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Sad to report it's another Saturday night that Sorawo didn't want to spend with me. Maybe I should have hinted more strongly that I was free this evening…you know, come to think of it, that's on me. She's bad at picking up on hints. She's a bit like Mom in that way. Maybe next week I'll just tell her I'm free and see what she does with that intel.
She's so frustrating sometimes. Sometimes I almost wish she were a less easy person to be around. It would make the loneliness easier. At least then she wouldn't keep getting my hopes up.
Then again, isn't that a really nasty thing to think about someone who likes you? I'm pretty sure she does like me. I can't believe anyone would throw themselves in harm's way repeatedly for someone like she has for me. And god, the staring. I've gotten less creepy stares from drunk office workers. But you know, Mom also did have a tendency to stare too. And Mama's whole job was putting herself in harm's way for the greater good…
I wonder how Sorawo really feels.
Is she The One? Or just a really close friend? I don't even know if she likes other girls in that way. Maybe I've been assuming too much? Maybe I'm reading romantic intent into her grand gestures where there is none? Is wanting the Otherside just for the two of us just because she finds me to be a reliable exploration partner?
Or does she feel love and not know how to express it? I know her experiences with that cult can't have been easy, and she seems like she's guarding herself because of it. After anyone gets hurt that deeply it seems like the obvious thing to do. I wonder what she would have been like had her family not bent her personality out of shape. I wish I could meet the unburdened Sorawo, the Sorawo who isn't constantly second-guessing herself, the Sorawo who doesn't seem terrified of other people.
My heart hurts thinking about it. I love her so much. I've never met anyone so caring, so determined, so curious. I see so many of those aspects of her come out on the Otherside. But sometimes it seems like she's more interested in that more than anything else. Sometimes I think about what Kozakura said about people getting addicted to the other world…and you know…don't people who have traumatic experiences like she has often find an addiction to make their pain stop?
Is she driven, or is she escaping? I wish I could find a better sense of where her mentality is. I know she would hate the comparison but she's like Satsuki in that way. I just don't want her to end up like Satsuki….
*bzzt bzzt*
It's Sorawo.
"Good evening Sorawo, what's up?"
"I haven't forgotten your birthday, you know. Would an izakaya be good with you?"
She sounds nervous…"Yes, that sounds good."
"Okay, 3pm on the 6th?"
"I'm free all day."
"Glad to hear it. I'll email you directions. See you then."
"See you, Sorawo! I lo-"
*dial tone*
Did I just imagine she cut me off before I could say any more, or was that Sorawo being bad at timing people over the phone? I know I have the same problem sometimes, but….
This is killing me. I need to know what she feels about us. I can't stand it anymore.