Work Text:
Lily:
Lily grew increasingly concerned after James didn’t come to dinner that night, nor did he ever go to bed. The next morning she tries to get into his study, trying desperately to get James to open the door. There was no noise coming from the inside of his office and he’d locked the door. Normally, if the door was locked to James’s study, he was either working, or just not in there at all, but you could always hear the faint hum of life coming from the room when James was in it. Not today though, although Lily knew James had entered the room and hadn’t returned afterwards, she couldn’t hear him– James was loud in general, always making his presence known, so the utter silence was startling. Alarm bells had begun to go off in Lily’s head as she continued to pound on the door and call James’s name.
They were not a couple, but James was her friend and after Lily and Mary had faced so much prejudice for being a lesbian couple who had a baby, he’d stood beside her, ready to put on a facade and give up a chance at a dating life so they wouldn’t have to explain Mary’s trans identity to everyone. Lily barely even lived here, only when Mary goes out of town for the order. In her newfound panic, she braced herself and cast the spell, “Alohomora,” rang out into the hallways, along with the sound of the lock clicking out of place.
She stepped into the room and found James laying in the fetal position on the floor, asleep. Curled around himself like a small child in distress. His breathing is soft, and steady. A gasp flew from Lily’s lips as she studied the way James’s normally warm and tinged pink cheeks were covered in tear tracks, his beautiful curls disheveled. She’d never seen James like this, to think of it, she doesn’t think she’s ever actually seen James upset, not genuinely. James was the happiest person she’d ever known, the most kind, the most loving.
Confusion bounced off the walls of her mind as she scoured for what could’ve caused this kind of meltdown from James, who was always a flurry of happiness and excitement. Lily stilled as a memory was brought to the forefront of her mind. "Regulus Black who has been missing for a month, has been presumed dead after an intense investigation," Lily’s heart dropped and she made a choked noise as she turned and left the room. Deciding it best if she didn’t wake James in her realizations. As she stepped out, she reinstated the locking charm and walked toward her bedroom. Harry was only an infant, and James had done up Harry a nursery for when they stayed over– Sirius building all of the furniture by hand. As she sat on the edge of the bed, she pressed her fingers to each temple.
The puzzle pieces clicked into place:
- James’s constant concern for the younger Black brother –click
- James’s bright eyes when he spoke of the other man –click
- The broken glass when the announcement came over the radio –click
- The tear tracks marking James’s face –click
Oh.
Oh God.
James and Regulus… A thousand memories flashed before Lily’s eyes, and suddenly she felt very ill. James hadn’t reacted in such a manner to say that his best friend lost a brother, but to say that James himself has lost his lover. Standing again, Lily walks back toward James’s study, looking for something specific. When a man like James Potter is to have a loud or violent reaction to something, it gets installed into the magic of a home. Casting then, Lily finds exactly what she’d hoped she wouldn’t. She is suddenly blasted with the sound of a distraught James Potter screaming for a man he believes dead. Calling out for his love, over and over. Endlessly unable to reach him.
With this revelation, Lily vowed to never tell James that she knew, he would talk about it when he was ready, if he was ever ready. Instead she walked to the fireplace and set up a firecall with Remus.
“Hey, Lils, are you okay?” Remus’s face appeared in the flames and his voice rang out, clearly hoarse and groggy, she breathed out before starting,
“Yeah, just wanted to check on you and Sirius, we heard the news last night,” Remus’s face crumbled, and his breath caught.
“Sirius isn’t taking it well, he won’t get out of bed, just keeps mumbling about how it’s all his fault, won’t even let me touch him,” Tears seem to have appeared in the man’s eyes as he looks through the fire,
“and you?” Lily looks up then, confusion muddled in her featured before she spoke again,
“James isn’t taking it well either, I didn’t know Regulus, but Remus, the scream that ripped through James was unlike one I’d ever heard from anyone, it sounded like he was in so much pain, he doesn’t know I know though Rem, you can’t tell him I said anything.”
From where Remus was sitting the whole world seemed to stop spinning on its axis, he’d completely forgotten about how James would react, too focused on Sirius to remember his long talks with James about how much James loved Regulus even when it seemed to be unrequited, he’d wanted so badly to tell James that it wasn’t but he couldn’t do that to them. He couldn’t tell James about the hours he’d spent listening to Regulus talk about him like he was the sun, like he was his whole reason for being, that wasn’t fair to them. They’d find their way to each other, and now James wouldn’t get that, because Regulus Black is dead.
James didn’t come out of his office that day.
Or the next.
Or the next.
James had made it easy for Lily to keep that vow of silence from him.
Lily barely heard the soft knock that came from the door that morning, if it weren’t for the fact that Dorcas and Marlene had taken Harry out for the day, leaving the house in a sort of eerie silence, Lily’s not sure she would’ve. It’d not been 5 seconds that the door was open and Lily stood there in shock before Regulus Black collapsed into her.
Quickly she drug his frail body into the wide hallway and started to call for James, she’d tried this everyday this week and without fail, James failed to appear from around the corner. The same was true for right now, Lily shuffled to close the door before turning to look at Regulus. The man was covered in deep scabbing gashes that so clearly resembled hands, coming in groups of 5. Ripping Regulus’s clothes and digging into his skin.
After James persisted in his ignorance to Regulus’s living presence in his home. Lily decided to use desperate measures. Not even quite sure if it would work, Lily called out, “Regulus!”. In movements so quick, Lily decided he’d apparated, a face she’d not seen in days appeared before her, James looked down at the injured boy in front of him, before mimicking Lily’s words and collapsing to the floor beside him, pulling Regulus’s head into his lap.
Regulus:
Regulus was in really bad shape, but they couldn’t take him to St. Mungos. The Ministry and Voldemort would be on him almost immediately. He knew when showing up on James Potter’s doorstep he’d in turn have to admit to himself that James was his safety net, and to do that was basically to open himself up to feeling, and that was terrifying, because by feeling anything for James, he's putting James in danger.
Regulus could feel a hand carding through his hair, the hand stopping and fingering with the tangled strands to gently remove knots every once and a while. Right as Regulus felt himself drifting back off into slumber, the thought that James couldn’t take him to St. Mungos smashed through his sleepiness and he was instantly awake, his breathing speeding up until he was hyperventilating, he could tell he wasn’t moving, which was good, and he knew he hadn’t moved since Lily had drug him inside, his eyes snapped open and he was met with the hazel gaze he was so sure he wouldn’t make it to, but here he was, his head in James Potter’s lap, with James carding his fingers through Regulus’s hair, and though it was clear that James was looking at him, Regulus could tell James wasn’t quite there, just simmering under the surface, retreated into himself. Regulus's breathing slowed merely at the sight of James.
Suddenly Regulus is remembering the first time he’d seen James do that, it scared him at first, because one second James had been there, the next he was gone. The only other time Regulus had seen that was when he’d seen Sirius slip away as a trauma response when their parents had come after him. Regulus had instantly been concerned that James had been in the same situation as he and Sirius. Instead once James returned to him and he had the opportunity to ask about it, James smiled at him and explained that he had a mental condition they didn’t quite have a name for, that there wasn’t anything wrong with him, he just was a little bit different than other people, he reacted differently, learned differently, and saw the world differently, and when he slips away, it can sometimes be an anxiety response, not trauma, James was okay, just a little different, and more beautiful than anyone Regulus had ever seen.
Reg determined that he didn’t think James was anxious, because he didn’t have that tell-tale shake to his hands like he did when he was. Instead they were steady, and so Regulus decided it was safe to bring James back to reality,
“James?” he spoke, his voice hoarse and shaky. James’s eyes suddenly came back into focus and he blinked harshly.
“Reggie?” James’s voice mirrored Regulus’s. Just as shaky and unstable.
“James, you can’t take me to St. Mungos, you know that right? You can’t,” James just smiled down at him as if he knew everything, and apparently he did, because when he spoke, he said, “Yeah love I know, Mum is coming.”
Because of course James had remembered that his mother was a medi-witch, even when Regulus had forgotten, even though Euphemia Potter had been the one to heal him when he had first fallen through the floo of Potter Manor, in a similar manner to how he’d turned up on James and Lily’s doorstep.
“Oh yes, love Effie, blessed woman she is,” Regulus’s voice caught as he fought to keep his eyes open now.
He coughed, hoarse and bloody and James’s breath hitched, “Yes love, I know you love my mum more than anyone in this world,” James’s smile widened when he caught sight of the slight smile playing on Regulus’s lips. Wiping away the small amount of blood that Reg had coughed up with his thumb.
Regulus heard the sound of an apparition into the room and instantly his smile widened, “Yes well, the woman did save my life when I was 15, and from the sound of it, she’s here to do it again,” James flinched and his smile fell. Clearly distressed at the idea of Regulus being dead.
"Oh shit, Jamie I'm sorry, I didn't mean- it's just-" Regulus was cut off by the soft voice he'd grown to associate with safety,
"Now Regulus Arcturus Black. What have you gotten yourself into now?" Effie smiled at him while scolding him with her motherly tone,
"James, darling, would you go get me a bowl of warm water please?" James nodded and stood, laying Reg's head on the floor, softening the hardwood with the flannel he’d been wearing.
"I'll be right back, love. I'm going straight to the kitchen, and I'll be back ok?" James pointed and Regulus just nodded, stunned, because of course James remembered that Regulus liked to be walked through where James was going in case something happened.
"Alright Regulus, I need you to be still so I can assess you, okay?" Effie kneeled down next to him,
"I remember. Thank you," Regulus shifted as much as he could and listened for James to come back. He closed his eyes and felt Effie's magic traveling the length of his body –she’d cast an analytical charm on him.
"There's no need to thank me dear, you're my boy, just as much as James and Sirius are, can you tell me what happened?" Regulus's heart stuttered, he didn't think he'd ever get used to the motherly love of Euphemia Potter.
He took in a stuttering breath and started, "I'm a spy for the order. Used to infiltrate the Dark Lord's ranks. I stole one of his horcruxes. Made off to destroy it. I took it to the cave so Riddle couldn't find me. I was so close, Effie, and then a hand grabbed me from the water," Reg heard Effie suck in a breath but he pushed on,
"They drug me under the water, scratching and clawing. It was as if they were trying to tear me apart," The idea of James finding out he was dead flashed before his eyes. And he pushed and pushed and pushed. He pushed until he was above the water again. Shoving himself out of the water and onto the ground, he doesn’t say, instead he says, "I don't know how, but I got out. The horcrux was destroyed too, I got rid of it after I got out of the water."
Regulus's eyes snapped open, turning towards the sound of a metal bowl hitting the ground and water sloshing, locking eyes with James.
"Regulus. Do you know how long you've been missing?" James's voice came out strangled, tears in his eyes.
"Jamie what's wrong?" Effie scurried towards James's feet, picking up the bowl of water that magically managed to stay almost full despite James dropping it and plucked the cloth from James’s hands.
Regulus watched as a tear rolled down James’s cheek as he whispered, "Thirty-three days, you’ve been gone one-thousand, one-hundred and twenty-eight days, missing thirty-three and dead for 4."
Now it was Regulus's turn to choke on his own saliva. "No."
"Reggie look down, you aren't bleeding, mum's cleaned most of your wounds, they're all scabbed over and healing," A tear escaped Regulus's eyes, because he was too late, and James did have to hear that he was dead, even though he wasn't, he doesn't know where he was. He looks down to his body, raising his hands to examine it, noting that the scars were in fact healing, meaning that they would stay scars. There forever as a reminder of what almost killed him.
"Jamie I'm so sorry," he whispered, turning back to look at James, who looked so helpless, tears slipping down his face freely, shaking so hard it looks as if he may collapse under the weight of his own body. "I- I need a minute. I'm gonna go to the study, it's right around the corner, ok love?" James didn't wait for a reply. But Regulus isn't sure he could've even produced one: it was clear that James was about to have a meltdown, but he still took the time to take care of Regulus. Regulus tried to sit up and reach for James, only getting inches above the ground before being pushed down by Effie.
"Regulus, honey, you are really weak right now, it seems you haven't consumed anything since before you left. You can't sit up sweetheart," Effie's voice was still soft and she began administering healing charms. Finishing the healing process for his scars. The gashes were still visible when she was done, just as he had predicted.
"But James, I need- he's gonna-"
"Regulus, I am well aware of what is going on within that study, I am his mother. But you can't help him if you can't even sit up. And I cannot help you if you won't let me heal you. You're extremely malnourished Regulus, here, drink this," Euphemia reached for a potion inside her bag, pulling out what seemed to be a nutritional potion. He was proven right when she lifted his head and helped him drink. He instantly felt a bit stronger, and nutrients flowed through him for the first time in a month, but this was counteracted quickly by the sounds of James throwing things and screaming, not just pure yells, Regulus quickly realized as he could hear his name being echoed over and over throughout the house.
James:
Regulus was alive, and yet, James was in his study having an absolute meltdown. Throwing and breaking things against the wall and telling himself about all the things he could’ve done to prevent what happened to Regulus, his Regulus, who had almost been torn apart while drowning. His Regulus, who was dead less than three hours ago.
James continues to rampage through the study, breaking figurines, smashing photo frames, sending files soaring through the air, there’s a small voice in the back of his head, telling him about how weak he was, because he couldn’t bare to hear Regulus’s account of what happened to him, Regulus, his Regulus, his beautiful boy that was never really his, was he? Because that’s just it, Regulus wasn’t his, so close yet never close enough. The voice urges his meltdown on, worsening it as it went on. This cycle continued until James finally slowed, easing into his shutdown, the numbness greeting him like an old friend, and his voice was gone, as he slumped against the wall and allowed his eyes to unfocus.
It’d started all too quickly, ever since Effie had pretty much been holding him down as he struggled to get to James, he could hear everything, every crash, every scream, everything.
“Regulus I know, I’m sorry. But we’ve barely got you sitting up, you can’t go to him right now,” Regulus was on the verge of tears himself, as he fought her. Trying so desperately to get to James.
“Effie, I need to, he needs me. Please, I’m fine, I can go. Please!” He was really trying to fight her now, but his body was failing him, only frustrating him further. Effie, taking note of this, decided it best if she didn’t mention it.
Instead she moved to cradle him as he released his tears. Holding him as he folded in on himself, so angry that his body had failed him when he was so desperate to get to James, They stayed like that until a sound came from the floo, indicating that Lily had gotten Sirius and Remus.
As Sirius stepped out of the fireplace Regulus looked up. Meeting eyes with his big brother for the first time in over a month. Sirius had known about Reggie spying for the order, unlike James. They’d decided together that it was best if James wasn’t aware, after hearing what had gone on in that study, Regulus wasn’t so sure of that.
Sirius:
“Petit frère,” were the only words that left Sirius’s mouth as he dashed for Regulus. Reg barely had time to stand with the help of Effie before Sirius was on him, a choked sound escaped them both as they collided.
“Sirius, James. Il- Il est dans le bureau, Effie ne me laisserait pas aller vers lui, s'il te plait,” Regulus spoke quietly, hushed by his brother’s shoulder. Sirius lifted his head, peering down at Regulus.
“D'accord, savez-vous à quel point ? Donc je sais si je dois y aller moi-même ou envoyer Remus,” Sirius’s tone had shifted taking on one of concern at the amount of hurt going on in a house full of the people he loved.
“Non! Je dois l'atteindre ! Maintenant! Soit vous m'aiderez à y arriver, soit je ramperai sur Sirius. Amenez-moi à James. Maintenant," Sirius could see in Regulus’s eyes that the man was not kidding, and he had no doubt that he was, Regulus would do anything to get to James in that moment, just as he always had when James was like this.
And so, they began to walk, taking it one step at a time, ignoring Effie’s protests with a small shout from Sirius resembling,
“Mum he may cut off my head if I don’t get him to James,” followed by a grumbled, “Je pourrais encore si tu ne bouges pas putain plus vite frère,” from Regulus. That really did make Sirius move faster.
They walked, taking a minute to unlock the door so Regulus could gain entrance,
“Tu n'iras pas plus loin Sirius, je dois le faire moi-même, j'ai provoqué ce grand frère, je dois l'aider.” Regulus still spoke in a hushed voice, peering around the door to get a feel for where James was, thankfully, against the wall only steps away,
“Okay Reg, but if you need me I’ll be right out here, do you want me to silence the door or do you still have your wand?” Regulus took his first step into the room, a sad smile on his face.
“Curieusement, j'ai toujours ma baguette, je vais faire taire la pièce, laissez-moi juste le rejoindre en premier." Reggie choked out a wet laugh, and then he stepped fully into the room, closing the door behind him, Sirius stood by the door listening to Regulus’s shuffled steps. Stopping just before Regulus speaks again.
“Jamie, hey mon amour, look at me.” Followed by the sound of Regulus presumably sliding himself down the wall beside James.
Then all was silent, and Sirius turned to meet the wet eyes of the three other people in the room. Slowly he walked back over to Remus, collapsing in his lover’s arms, tears springing into his eyes.
They slid to the floor as Sirius clung to him, whispering, “My baby brother is alive Rem, he’s alive.”
James:
James was still curled into himself when Regulus came in, only vaguely aware Reg was there. If it'd been anyone else, he thinks he wouldn't have known at all.
"James, are you ready to come back to me?" Regulus's tone wasn't expecting or unhappy, Reg was always like that, patient with James in moments like this. Regulus hadn't touched him yet, knowing better based on the level 10 meltdown zone surrounding them. James slowly let his eyes focus back in as he came back to himself, his breathing stuttering.
"Hey baby," Regulus looked up at him, a faint smile tugging at the corners of his lips. James just looked at him, and Reg put his hand out, hovering it over his cheek,
"Can I touch you?" James nodded, allowing himself to sink into the feeling of Regulus.
"No en parlant? Do you want to sign or just nod and shake your head?" James looked up again and let the question roll around in his mind a bit.
"No, no talking, I can sign though," he signed. Silently thanking Merlin that Regulus had thought up the idea in his 5th year so they could communicate in times like this. He’d also suggested just using legilimency, but James shut that down quickly, not wanting Regulus to see the thoughts he had about himself after meltdowns
Regulus just nodded at this, running his fingers across James's cheeks affectionately. Trying to memorize every inch of it with his hands again. James studied Regulus while he did this, before bringing his hands up to sign again.
"I'm sorry," Regulus took a second before replying.
"For what Jamie?" Tears flooded James's eyes suddenly as he gestured toward the room,
"James Potter, there is nothing for you to apologize for. You're not at fault here,"
James let out a sigh before signing his reply, “Regulus, I destroyed my study, if not me who is at fault,” Reg’s breath caught for a moment, ‘me’ he thought, before raising his wand and murmuring the incantation, suddenly, the room righted itself, glass mending, files putting themselves neatly back in perfect piles, and everything in the room was right, well almost.
“Come on Jamie, let’s get you into bed,” Regulus stood, using the wall for support, and offering his hands out toward James. James took them, pushing himself off the ground, trying not to fall.
“Reggie, you aren’t supposed to walk,” James’s signing was rapid now, concerned, even in his current state.
“That’s what you’re here for, no?” Reg’s small smile spread, leaning into James as he stumbled after trying to take a step, and so they guided each other out to James’s bedroom, walking right past everyone left in the parlor.
James completely missed the small, “He’s always been so much better with James afterwards,” that slipped from his mother’s lips
Opening the door to his bedroom, James let out a sigh, glad that it was clean.
“James,” Regulus noticed that he’d zoned out a bit, his eyes focused on the bed, James let out a full body shake as he looked over at Reggie.
“You’re staying with me right?” he signed, looking so small at this moment.
“Yes baby, I’m staying here, lie down,” James’s face split into a small smile for the first time, making Regulus’s heart stutter for a moment, before he laid down beside James, letting the man curl into him.
Remus:
Sirius looked up at Remus for a moment, studying him.
“Sirius, sweetheart, I can feel your eyes, what’s wrong?” Remus looked down to meet Sirius’s eyes.
The man smiled sadly, “Moony, I let my baby brother go into a cave to destroy a horcrux, he could’ve died, he almost did,” Sirius’s voice trailed off.
“Sweetheart you didn’t know how dangerous it was, neither did he, what happened to him was terrible, and we almost lost him, but we didn’t he’s here, he’s here, with the man he loves, and his big brother, The people who love him mo-,” Remus cut himself off as something registered in his mind.
“Remus? What happened? Are you ok?” Sirius kept his gaze on the tall man, as if trying to read his mind
Remus on the other hand was looking around rapidly, “We find out Regulus is alive and nobody thought to call his friends? Somebody get Barty on a firecall. Now!” Scrambling through the incantation.
It was clear Barty wasn’t doing well when his face appeared in the fire.
“What is it Jam- Remus? Wha- what’s going on?” Remus could’ve laughed if it weren’t for how terrible Barty looked, marks under his eyes, the size and color of used teabags. His normally slick hair tousled, his voice creaky, as if it’d be gone any second.
“Barty I need you to get ahold of Evan and Pandora, get them here, as soon as you can,” Remus really wanted to laugh as he watched Evan poke his head through the flames.
“I heard my name?” Evan had a similar look as Barty did, though thankfully he seemed a little more lively.
“Make that just Dora, get your asses, as well as Pandora’s to James’s house,” Remus pulled out of the call before they could ask any questions, hoping he got the message across without giving away anything.
It wasn’t long before the three of them –Lily had gone to fetch Marlene, Dorcas, and Harry– were popping their heads through the floo.
“Why are we here Lupin?” Barty had his arms crossed, looking so so tired, Evan was the same, but when Remus’s gaze flicked to Pandora, there was a glint in her eye, a knowing glint, she knew why she was here.
“Be patient Bartimus,” Her voice rang out, soft but clear as day, a soft smile playing on her lips.
As soon as Remus’s mouth was open, a voice blurted, “Reggie’s alive!” Remus looked behind him, seeing Sirius peering over his shoulder as much as he could.
Evan’s jaw went slack, “what?”
Tears sprung in Barty’s eyes, “Don’t lie to me Sirius.”
Pandora’s smile widened, “He’s with James?”
Remus nodded, “He’s alive, with James at the moment, I believe they went to bed, best to let them rest, you’re all welcome to stay here while we wait though, James had a bit of a… mishap,”
Barty scoffed, “Remus we know about his issues, don’t forget that he had to find us several times in order to find Regulus while we were still at Hogwarts.”
Remus nodded, “Right then, they’re asleep, and it’s getting late, Sirius, do you want to help me start dinner?”
Sirius lit up at the opportunity to cook, “Yes please,” he smiled brightly.
Regulus:
Regulus woke first, which he took note of because it was quite unusual for James not to be up with the sun. Regulus could feel the heat off of James, resonating deep in his bones.
As he felt himself begin to wake up, the events of the day before began to settle in his mind, he made a list:
- he’d almost died a month ago and has no recollection of the last month
- James thought he was dead, he’d shown up on James’s doorstep yesterday afternoon
- Effie had healed him
- James had a meltdown,
Standing, Regulus felt cold, being away from the warmth that James puts off, so still half asleep, he walks towards what he assumes is James’s closet.
Standing in front of it, Reggie can see that there is an empty section of James’s closet, clearly sectioned off as if there are clothes that belong there that aren’t. ‘That’s because there is,’ his mind reminds him. He looks back now, his eyes fluttering over James, who was now cuddling the pillow Regulus had been sleeping on. Tears sprung in his eyes as he recalled one of the last talks he’d had with James.
It’d been 3 years ago, the end of James’s 7th year and Regulus had just secretly joined the order. He’d been so careful to ensure that James didn’t know, that nobody knew, only Dumbledore and Sirius were aware. He didn’t attend normal order meetings, instead opting for private meetings with the headmaster and his brother. He wanted to keep James safe, and he thou- he thought that if he pushed the man away, pushed him towards Lily maybe, that James would be safe.
Of course James wouldn’t have that, talking instead to talk about a future, their future. A future where Regulus and James shared a closet, and there was a bookshelf filled with Regulus’s poetry books, –both ones he’d written and ones he’d bought– James spoke of a time where The Dark Lord had been defeated and Regulus got to move on into being a published poetry author like he’d always dreamed of but never thought he’d achieve.
The specific memory Regulus seems to recall, was about their closet. Regulus already had his own section of James’s cupboard in the dorm, and James couldn’t see why Regulus couldn’t have one in his closet at home.
“James, we're not together! You love Lily and I- I’m not her! You can’t make me be her!”
James had shut up rather abruptly after that, mumbling a quiet, “I never wanted you to be Lily, I spent months wishing she was you,” before standing and walking out. They’d not spoken since. Not until yesterday.
James’s words from that day rang in his ears as he continued to study him. Regulus never stopped asking about James.
Every time he saw his brother, the first word out of his mouth was always, “James?”
It was always quiet, pleading, although he wasn’t sure what he was pleading for, pleading for James to be rid of him? To have forgotten the love he’d had for Regulus and “realized” his love for Lily? Or was he pleading for the exact opposite? While Sirius indulged Regulus in an extensive retelling of the life James Potter was living without him, their life. Sirius would always finish with a tongue lashing about how Regulus should go to James, because it was evident that the distance did nothing to dissipate the love they’d shared.
Regulus turned away from James. Tilting his head up and blinking away the tears he’d refused to shed. He looked into the closet again, scanning for what he was- there, there it was. James’s quidditch jumper, the one James washed then wore for a day before Regulus would steal it, swapping it for another. Wrapping himself in the smell of James each night as he went to bed. Regulus peeled it off the hanger to slip it over his head. He turned and exited the closet and then the room, now on a mission to do something extremely stupid.
Regulus slipped into the foyer, scanning the mess of heads scattered about, noting quickly the 5 heads that weren’t there before he and James had gone to bed, they were all asleep. Scattered about the living space, all seemingly have fallen asleep rather late, if Sirius’s drooling on Remus’s chest was anything to go by. The one he was looking for wasn’t in the crowd though. So he walked through the hallway, passing the room he knew as James’s study and peering into the room with an open door, taking note that he’d found the loo. He continued on, stopping in front of another room.
The door was closed, but he’d heard the sound of an infant come from it. He paused for a moment, questioning himself a bit on what he was doing, before knocking on the door. He had to wait a second, but soon enough he heard a bit of shuffling, and he was quickly met by two sets of eyes, one larger than the other, yet equally as curious.
“Regulus? What is it? Is something wrong?” Lily’s tone suggested that she’d been up for quite some time, and it was clear that she was concerned, he shook his head in response,
Quickly beginning his verbal assault, “I want to hear James’s reaction,” he blurted, Lily’s eyes went wide and he continued.
“I mean- no, that isn’t what I mean. The walls of this place carry the sounds that I caused to spill from him. Please, can you take me to hear him?” his eyes flooded with tears again, and he noticed Lily’s too were brimmed with unshed tears, begging to be released.
“Follow me.”
Lily:
When they came to a stop in front of the study Lily’s heart clenched, she knew they needed to go inside to muffle the noise that was about to be unleashed because she didn’t want to subject the whole house to James’s screams.
“In here?” Regulus spoke softly, trying not to cry already and he hadn’t even heard the horror inside. Lily hummed and stepped inside, surprised to see that it was pristine as if James hadn’t…
Regulus must’ve seen her face since he quickly answered the question stirring in her mind, “I- I cleaned up before we left, didn’t want him seeing it longer than he had to, it helps,”
She looked over at him, having to tilt her head up ever so slightly to see his eyes properly, “oh,” and then she fell silent again, lifting her wand and placed a silencing charm on the room.
“I’m going to cast now, Regulus, are you sure?” he nodded, and so she did, as soon as James’s shouts and cries began to bounce off the walls of the room Regulus covered his mouth; he dropped to his knees, as if he’d been hit by a truck.
“Oh mon Dieu, Jamie, oh mon Dieu qu'est-ce que j'ai fait, Jamie, je suis vraiment désolé Jamie.”
The echoes of James’s despair ring in Regulus’s ears long after his screams come to a stop, Regulus has tears streaming down his face as he realizes that no matter how far he’d tried to get himself from James the love never went away. They’d never even properly been together, Regulus was so scared to hurt James, even then, now he’d gone and done exactly that. He’d never heard a sound like that come out of another human being, even after years of abuse from Walburga and Orion, even after watching Sirius howl and writhe in pain under the Cruiciatus curse, and never once had he heard something like that come out of James.
“Regulus, this, you know it’s not your fault right?”
Regulus just shook his head, “It is Lily, what happened in here, the pain he was in, it was caused by me,”
It was Lily’s turn to disagree, “No Regulus, it’s not. You didn’t know, none of us did. None of this is on you,” Regulus simply looked down at his hands, his tears still flowing freely, watching his hands tremble terribly.
“James,” is the only warning Lily gets before Regulus is bolting out of the room.
How Regulus could always sense that James was awake, he didn’t know, but right now all that was important was that James was in fact awake, and he wasn’t there. Reg was sprinting through the sleeping house, already hearing the fussy, confused sounds from James. The house wasn’t awfully large but he’d on the other side of it.
Regulus wasn’t expecting the small, “Reggie?” that he heard from James before he even reached the door. James never spoke this early after a breakdown, it always was a few days of signing before James began talking again.
It made Reg stop in his tracks, stunned, it wasn’t until a whimper escaped James that Regulus kicked into gear again.
He rounded the corner swiftly, trying to get to James as quickly as possible, “James? Hey, I’m here, I’m right here,” Regulus apparently was unaware of the tears still streaking across his cheeks as he reached James again. James reached out for Reg’s hands holding them and keeping his eyes trained on them; Regulus almost choked when James spoke again.
“I thought- I thought yesterday had all been a dream, I thought you were gone again. Why- Where-” James cut himself off after he looked up to meet Regulus’s eyes.
“Love you’re crying. Wh- why are you crying?” he reached his left hand up, releasing Regulus’s own to try and wipe away the tear gripping Regulus’s jaw.
Regulus really did choke this time, coughing a bit, but didn’t answer, instead he leaned into James’s touch. Reaching out to cup the back of James’s neck, pulling James in and nuzzled his face in the crook of his neck.
James:
“Je suis tellement désolé Jamie, je t'aime, je suis tellement désolé,” so quiet James almost didn’t hear it. He couldn’t understand, but he knew Reg was talking to him, and whatever he said referred to what made him so upset, Regulus’s mumbling continued, growing more muffled the more he pushed into James’s collar.
James let Regulus settle there for a little while, waiting for his breathing to ease into a steady rhythm. Before taking his face in both hands and pushing him back so James could see his face, listening to the fussy sound Regulus made as he made small grabby hands and James, trying to get back to his spot.
James chuckled slightly, “Look at me Reg,” his voice was surprisingly strong, and Regulus looked up, training his eyes to James’s, determined not to drift down to his lips. James however had no such qualms and allowed his gaze to float to Regulus’s own lips, the permanent peach stain to them always making him want to bite Regulus. His thumb shifted, sliding over so he could play with Regulus’s bottom lip.
Regulus was so frozen that it genuinely surprised James when he had surged forward, and caught James’s mouth with his own, his lips so soft and warm and familiar that it caused a whimper to fall out of James’s mouth and into Regulus’s, followed by a soft moan after Regulus bit his lip. A single tear fell down James’s cheek, it’d been so long, too long. He’d missed Regulus so much – with every fiber of his being it felt like – and here Regulus was, kissing him and holding him and crying too. Regulus had been gone so long and yet as he slotted back into his spot in the life they were meant to share, it was as if he’d never left, and James smiled into the kiss, pushing in to taste more of Regulus.
Regulus:
“J- James,” Regulus said, pulling back to look at him. James tried to rush forward to connect their lips again but Regulus pushed him back, smiling softly at the small whine that it derived from James.
“Jamie, no, we know better than this, not when you’re so sensitive,” James whined again.
“But Reg I’m fine, I can handle myself, see? I’m talking, I didn’t used to do that before, I- I’m okay, just, please.” Regulus rolled his eyes, looking up at him and running his hands over James’s cheeks.
“Absolutely not James.”
James continued to whine and beg while Reg sprawled out on the bed – trying to go back to sleep.
This came to a quick conclusion when James blurted, “Please?”
Regulus shot up like lightning, “Nope. Nope. Nope! Absolutely not, I’m going to take a shower mon soleil, go bother Sirius for a bit, or Lily’s awake, smother her!” Regulus fake seethed, basically sprinting to James’s bathroom, trying to get out of the room before he gave in to James's sad voice.
As soon as he turned on the water, he wished he’d just given into James’s pleas. The rushing water replicated and enforced by the flood of memories that swarmed his mind.
Telling Sirius
Regulus braced his hand on the counter – white knuckled and holding his head. Stealing the locket, his free hand flew to the marble cabinet as his knees buckled.
His last death eater meeting,
Tears are streaming cheeks, hot like fire across his face.
Being dragged into the water
he collapsed to the ground causing a loud crash as he hit the tiles
Fighting the infiri
He curled into himself, hearing James outside the door asking if everything was okay. Drowning, drowning, drowning…
He began to clutch at his throat.
Suddenly, through the overflow of recollection, one thing stuck out among the rest,
Peter Pettigrew stood before him. Holding his hand out and smirking, “James really should’ve shut his mouth,” Regulus could feel the sneer on his face and the nod to his head as he stuck his hand out to Peter. The rat had betrayed them, and Regulus made a mental note that he needed to say something to Sirius after he got back from destroying the horcrux he’d nabbed. His mind flitted to James, throughout the last 3 years, Regulus hadn’t for a second let himself miss James, or at least, he told himself that the gaping hole inside of him wasn’t James’s spot in his heart, the place where the man belonged, but here, standing in front of the rat that had given away where James and Lily were hiding, who’d decided that a blood-superiority loving serial killer was more important to him than the people he’d grown up with, who’d saved his stupid arse more times than anyone could count. Standing in front of Peter Pettigrew, Regulus let that hole of emptiness fill with rage, pure, boiling rage, and he decided right then, that he’d be the one to kill Pettigrew, and he’d do it with his bare hands, he wanted so desperately to feel the bones snap in Peter’s neck. Instead he nodded at Peter again, and wished him well, throwing in an extra, “That’s what the blood-traitor deserves,” onto the end of his sentence for good measure.
Regulus had the violent urge to vomit, just barely making it to the toilet before he did. James bursts in, panting, with a very concerned look on his face, reaching down to help Regulus, getting extremely close to doing so before Regulus manages to scramble back quickly on his hands.
James:
“Don’t touch me,” James feels his heart lodge in his throat. Because Regulus hasn’t done that since his 6th year at Hogwarts. Since he was sixteen years old, he’d not once rejected James’s touch, until now.
“James. I need Sirius, now please. James please! Sirius!” James kicked into gear, sprinting through the house, trying to get to Sirius as quickly as possible.
Sirius:
Sirius, who’d been in a deep type of sleep was suddenly completely awake after hearing the words “Regulus” and “panic attack” grouped together in one sentence, and then he was following James back through the house at a ridiculous speed, needing to get to his brother as quickly as possible, as he turned the corner into the loo he was met with the sight of his baby brother curled up in a small ball, rocking back and forth while shaking, repeating Sirius’s name in a hushed tone.
Quickly, Sirius slipped into his role of big brother, sitting beside Regulus and lifting him into his arms, looking up to send off James – he didn’t want James to see this and begin a downward spiral too – but he was already gone. Sirius looked back down to see that Regulus was already looking back at him.
Panicked still, he began grabbing at Sirius’s face, his French rushed and breathless in his haste.
“Sirius, Pettigrew, il- il va- Oh Merlin. Sirius, il va tous nous faire tuer. Ma mission depuis Voldemort, Peter en a une aussi. Seulement... Il a donné cet endroit. MERDE! Sirius, quel jour sommes-nous ? Oh Merlin, Sirius s'il te plaît, dis-moi que ce n'est pas... Dis-moi que j'ai réussi à temps. À quel point sommes-nous proches d'Halloween ?”
Sirius was searching Regulus’s face for any sign that all of this was a dream, when he found none of the tell-tale signs, he answered, “29 octobre. 3 jours, Reggie, je ne comprends pas,"
The sigh of relief that forced its way out of Regulus caused him to curl into himself even more, “Merci Merlin, Siri, nous devons sortir d'ici, nous devons tous les faire sortir d'ici. Avant que nous ne mourrions tous aux mains de Voldemort.,"
Regulus waited for Sirius’s response, he could feel the tenseness in his form, pressed against his own body. Slowly when no answer came, and Sirius began rocking him in a soothing manner he’d done since their childhood, the quiet crept in, and so did the drowsiness. Just before he slipped into unconsciousness, Regulus muttered something that could’ve brought the world to its knees.
“Siri s'il te plaît, ne les laisse pas tuer mon Jamie. S'il meurt, je meurs, peut-être pas physiquement, mais je ne serai plus qu'un cadavre. Prêt à tuer tout ce qui a causé le coucher du soleil pour la dernière fois, Siri ne les laisse pas le tuer. Je t'aime Siri, s'il te plaît," It wasn’t that Regulus had just told him that he’d go supernova if James died that startled Sirius, it was the “Je t’aime Siri,” that brought tears to his eyes. Of course Siri knew that his brother loved him, he showed it through his actions, but he hadn’t said those words to Sirius since his first day at Hogwarts.
In an effort to not wake his sleeping brother, Sirius stood up, trying desperately to push back his tears when Regulus’s grip on him tightened. Softly he padded back into James’s room, laying Regulus on the bed and exiting the room. As he shut the door behind him, he started off back towards the parlor, deciphering the information he’d received:
- Peter was a death eater
- Voldemort was coming
- James, Lily and Harry were his targets
- it’s all Peter’s fault
- Peter betrayed them
- Peter, who was the Potter Evans secret keeper, told Voldemort the very secrets he was supposed to be keeping
- Peter.
- Peter
- Peter.
Sirius came to an abrupt stop when he realized that Peter. Was in the room that he’d left, it’d have been completely normal, if not for the fact that now Sirius had all the information, so instead of returning to the parlor, Sirius made an abrupt stop at James’s study, opening the door and making his way the desk first to find a treat, then to Sol to give it to the owl. He sat down at the desk rifling through James’s desk, looking for a scrap of Parchment, after finding it, there is only one word that appears on the paper in Sirius’s elegant cursive, “Rat”.
He turned again, back to Sol, opening his cage, as well as the window as he’d not been able to go hunting the night before. Slipping the note into his palm he exited the room again, finally working his way into the living space, on his way to his shared loveseat with Remus, he passed Barty, before laying himself across his lover’s lap, the note previously in his hand gone.
He stared up into Remus’s face, completely aware of the fact that he was trying to make out any sense of distress across Sirius’s features.
“Okay?” Remus whispered, Sirius’s reply came soft but sure.
“Yeah, he’s okay. Sleeping now,” he raised his voice a little higher as he turned to James.
“Oi, Prongs, he’s asleep, best if we leave him be for a bit, he’ll find us when he wakes alright?” He earned a soft nod from James.
Sirius was careful not to look at Barty as he excused himself to the loo, nor did he look at Peter. Instead he kept his eyes glued to Remus, trying to convey the message that he’d tell him what had happened later.
It seemed to click to Remus, because he nodded and looked up to address everyone, “Breakfast?”
The groups nods came vigorously, and everyone stood to make there way to the kitchen, when Sirius sat up from Remus’s lap but stayed seated, Remus looked at him with a puzzled look on his face.
“You go ahead sweetheart, I’ll be there in a moment, just need to speak with Barty when he comes back from the bathroom, alright?” Remus nodded and planted a kiss on Sirius’s cheek, turning towards the kitchen to begin the making of breakfast.
It was a few minutes before Barty made his way back into the room, he looked around before his eyes landed on Sirius. Sirius signaled for Barty to come closer and sit beside him, lifting a finger to his lips while he wordlessly casted a silencing charm around them, as soon as his finger was lowered Barty started.
“Pettigrew. He’s plotting something bad. We only found out a few days ago, we had plans to warn them, but-”
Sirius cut him off, “I know, Regulus told me. I just needed to make sure that you knew, Rosier too?”
“Yes, Evan knows, Sirius there’s only a few days before-” he was cut off once again.
“All in due time Bartimeus. The rat will pay for this, don’t you worry. But all good things come to those who don’t try to do it all themselves when their friends are none the wiser, especially, James, Lily, and Harry who might I add, are all in the kitchen with the man plotting to have them killed.”
Barty’s eyes widened, and he spluttered, “Oh shit!” and they both stood, Sirius releasing the charm as they made their way into the kitchen.
James:
Throughout breakfast, James listened for the sounds of Regulus, whether it be his soft steps through the hallways, or the quiet breaths he takes, and when he finally heard the sound of the shower coming to life again, he let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding and had to quite literally sit on his hands to keep himself from standing to go sit in the bathroom floor just to be near him. It was a few minutes before anyone noticed.
“Potter he’ll be out in a minute, quit staring longingly at the corridor, I’m gonna vomit,” James turned to glare at the culprit, and was met with a sickeningly sweet smile from Barty.
“Oh fuck off Crouch you’d be the same way if you hadn’t seen Evan in over 3 years and then being told he was dead,” he wanted to snort as he watched Barty stiffen at the notion.
“He has you there Querido,” Evan elbowed him lightly. Stifling a small laugh.
“Shut it Evan,” Barty grumbled, before burying his face in Evan’s shoulder. In the time that it took for this interaction to go down, nobody had noticed the water cut off.
It wasn’t until James perked up again and mumbled a gleeful, “he’s coming!” that they realized.
Sure enough, Regulus came through the threshold not long after James’s announcement.
Evan whispered softly, “I still don’t know how he does that, I mean we shared a dorm with the man for 7 years and I still can’t differentiate your footsteps from his ,” Barty snorted slightly and buried his face deeper into the nape of Evan’s neck. Regulus strode over towards James, eyeing him wearily, it was clear that he wasn’t going to talk about what had happened, so everyone decided it best if they didn’t ask. Regulus sat on the bar stool beside James, pressing his knee against the other man’s without saying anything, silently, Sirius made him a cup of coffee, in which Regulus downed too quickly for him to even have tasted it.
There was so much that had gone on within this group of people in only 12 hours. The weight held heavy on Regulus’s heart, and as he analyzed the faces in the room and landed on Peter Pettigrew he nearly flinched at the smirk that had trailed it’s way up Peter’s face, only just throwing up the walls he’d built as a child to protect him from his mother. As if the whole puzzle clicked into place right then, Regulus was taken from his staring contest as his name was called.
Regulus:
“Regulus?” It was Remus who’d spoken, before slipping back into silence after Regulus turned to face him, he’d almost forgotten that Remus and Sirius had also learned sign language for James, but here Remus was, using it to communicate his questions under the radar.
“So, am I going to learn what is going on? Or am I to be left to make my own assumptions?” Sirius and James had clearly joined the conversation after noticing that they were using a nonverbal form of communication instead of just voicing his concerns.
“All in good time my love, he’s in the room, and he knows how to spell in BSL so he’d know that we know,” Sirius tried to sooth.
Regulus smirk formed then, “Yes Sirius, he may know how to spell but he doesn’t know anything else, so if I simply called him a rat then he wouldn’t know shit,” James and Remus’s eyes both grew ever so slightly, to convey their surprise but also to keep it under the radar, they didn’t allow it to grow too much.
“So I was correct, Regulus, what aren’t we aware of, what happened?” and so Regulus explained everything, only stopping after noticing that everyone, including Peter was staring,
“Tell them that I don’t have my voice back yet and this is the only way I can communicate, Lily will know you’re lying because I’ve spoken to her today but we’ll have to explain the happenings soon anyway,”
“She knows BSL, and has been paying attention to us this entire time without joining, she understands everything already,” James explained before he turned toward Remus to signal for him to go ahead while Reg turned to Lily, who nodded stiffly. Regulus turned back to his original group as to not give away that Lily was in on the conversation and continued to explain.
Several hours later found them all in front of the fireplace in the sitting room, with an additional Effie and Monty who’d joined them after lunch as well as Mary, who’d rushed home after receiving a distressed letter from Lily.
Throughout the day Regulus slowly began to speak in a hoarse voice to keep up their lie, only loud enough so James could hear him in order to convey what he was saying, which earned a raised eyebrow from Euphemia, but he signed a simple "later," in her direction and she dropped it.
Everyone was sprawled out about the large living space, Effie and Monty in the loveseat near the fireplace, next to them in an armchair sat Lily with baby Harry, while across from them were Evan, Barty, Dorcas, and Marlene all sat in their corners of the large sofa with their partners, Remus was sat in a rocking chair by the fire with Sirius in the floor between his legs, Mary was sitting in front of Lily while playing peekaboo with Harry, towards the middle of the room – where there was sight of every inch of the space – sat Regulus and James, in a similar position to Remus and Sirius, only it was James who was sitting in the floor, while Regulus braided meticulously, while having a conversation with Evan on whether or not his plants had been taken care of while he was gone, every so often leaning away to check on Pandora who was laying on the floor staring up at them. For so many people who’d been traumatized in so many ways, they were so happy and full of life, but from the mass, was the small group that knew of the monster who disincluded himself from the conversations, who now stood in the corner of the room watching them, not saying a word.
Finally he excused himself, saying that he needed to head home early due to work in the morning. Regulus waited a few minutes, using the time to tie off James’s french braids, before the checked the wards for Peter’s presence, as soon as he was sure he was gone, a new ward was put around the home, and a silencing charm fell among them, he looked down at James for a moment, who only nodded.
“Peter Pettigrew is going to try to kill us all,” he paused for a moment, letting it sink in with the previously unaware pupils in the room.
“October 31st, Sirius, you said that is in 3 days, correct?” Sirius confirmed and Regulus started divulging his information, watching each of them carefully, gauging reactions and thoughts all throughout his explanation. After he’d finished, Regulus was quiet, and silently, James stood, picked Reggie up as if he were a small toddler, and sat back down on the plush armchair, Regulus too tired of fighting to argue about the audience they had, and as the conversations began, Regulus dozed off into a dreamless sleep, allowing himself to completely relax into James’s arms and accept the fact that, while the war was not yet won, in this moment, he was safe, and home, in James’s arms.
James:
It wasn’t long before the group said their goodbyes to Effie and Monty, it was getting late.
“You know your father, he gets cranky when it’s past his bedtime,” which earned her a playful smack to the shoulder from Fleamont. After they were gone, and the tension settled, the group decided just to relax and talk a bit.
“James, clearly Sirius knows about you and Regulus, but you guys never told him, so how is he so cool with it,” Dorcas was looking at James and Reg with a slightly puzzled expression.
“That’s more of a Sirius question,” James’s face went soft again as he settled back and looked down at Reggie.
“Matter of fact, it is a question for me, I only really knew because I had to deal with two separate breakdowns because of Regulus breaking off... Whatever they were before he started working for the order,” Sirius trailed off for a moment looking over at the couple.
“They loved each other so much, even then. But yeah! I’d had an idea for a little while, Reggie had always looked at James like he held the universe in his hands, so when James started looking at Reg the same way, I picked up on it, I didn’t know for sure until that night though,” Sirius’s expression took on a dark tone.
Barty chuckled lightly, “If we’re going to focus on the topic of those two I want to tell the story of how Evan, Panda, and I found out,”
Evan groaned through a laugh, “Querido please don’t I’ve heard this story too many times, and I witnessed it!” Barty smacked against the side of Evan’s head.
“No, it’s funny, and I think Sirius would want to hear it!” Evan just leaned back against the couch was gestured for Barty to continue,
“We found them in Regulus’s bed, with James draped over Reg like a blanket; sleeping, Regulus was reading one of his,” Barty whispered his next words, “dumb poetry books,” before he reignited his voice to its previous volume, earning a snort from Remus, “his free hand, carding through James’s hair,“
Sirius took the pause in his sentence to interrupt, “Crouch I don’t get it, you said it was funny, so far this story is just sickeningly sweet,” Sirius was pouting a bit.
“Shut it Black, I’m getting there, the funny part of this story isn’t the fact that we found them like that, it was that when Reggie realized we were there he practically threw James into the floor when he jumped up, which sent James into a panic and he threw a stinging hex at me, shit hurt by the way,” Barty grumbled and threw a stinging hex at James to return the favor.
The group laughed but Remus looked solemn, he looked over towards Sirius, and mumbled something before moving over to James to mumble something in his ear, receiving a panicked look and a look down at a sleeping Regulus, after confirming that the other was asleep he gave Remus the green light to tell his story, and Remus moved back to sit against Sirius, waiting a moment to gather his thoughts.
“In the spirit of talking about their story a bit- James are you sure?” Remus cut himself off, looking over at James for one last look of confirmation.
“Yeah, although I’ll have to excuse myself, there is no way in white hot hell I’m taking the chance of Regulus hearing this story. Also, you guys know you each have rooms here right? There are name plates on the doors for you and everything, all you have to do is walk down the hall,” The combination of James’s two sentences were both worrying –rightfully so– and confusing.
“Sirius, before you abandon everybody for the night, please show everyone their rooms, I’m going to take Regulus to bed for his 3rd nap of the day,” with this James stood. Which caused Regulus to grip him tighter and nuzzle himself closer to James’s warmth, James gave one last nod to the group before leaving.
3rd-Person:
They waited until they heard the door to James’s room shut, and then for a few minutes more before all looking at Remus expectantly. Remus rubbed a hand over his face and looked up.
“I found out about them the night I talked James away from throwing himself off the astronomy tower,” and then the world fell silent.
Sirius sat there, completely unblinking, seemingly processing what he’d just been told. The rest of the room seemed similar but no one seemed more shocked and angry than Regulus, who was for some reason standing in the doorway of the parlor.
Regulus:
“What did you just say?” Regulus’s voice was deathly quiet, just barely over a whisper and broken.
“Wait, Reg-” Remus tried, but Regulus cut him off.
“No, I asked you a question, so please repeat your former sentence,” Regulus’s French accent was extremely prominent now, and while his voice was still just above silent, it was bone chilling. Remus, who’d always been known for never backing down from something or someone shrank into Sirius’s side a little more.
“I- You-” Remus started, only to be swiftly cut off by Regulus once again.
“Now Lupin!” Regulus’s voice had risen now, making Remus flinch.
“6th year, it was James’s third attempt as far as I’m aware. He'd been struggling for a while, which I’m sure you knew, and he was having more meltdowns than normal, he stopped eating entirely, stopped sleeping. I couldn’t figure out what to do, but he had you now and it wasn’t just me fighting this fight with him so I thought he’d be okay, but one night he left the map in the dorm which he never did when he was meeting up with you since you were keeping it a secret from Sirius. I got scared and checked it, and there he was, at the top of the astronomy tower, by the time I got there he had climbed into the window,” Remus paused, trying to hold back tears as he explained the story, with the complete knowledge that just because he wasn’t looking anywhere but Regulus didn’t mean they were the only ones in the room, he turned around to look at everyone, all teary eyed, even Barty who still struggled to show emotion was fighting back tears.
Remus turned back to Regulus, “He was on the very edge, looking down, just barely holding onto the pillar beside him, I just stood there in shock, I’d never caught him like this before, both his other attempts just didn’t work thank Merlin, but no one had ever… I just fucking stood there, I was frozen, I couldn’t move, couldn’t call out, I was stuck, and he hadn’t noticed my presence, it wasn’t until he stepped off the edge that I was able to move, I was too late to grab for him and I got lucky that my spell hit him before he hit the ground, I levitated him back up to the top of the tower. All while he started screaming, not out of fear. He wasn’t scared, he was angry, angry that I’d caught him in time, angry that he was alive. It was terrifying. He tried to run back off the second I let him out of the spell, I had to body bind him. It took two hours for him to stop struggling against it, and when I released him, he just started sobbing, he told me everything, everything going on his head, everything he’d been hiding from everyone, and he begged me not to tell you, saying that you’d get rid of him for being too broken, too unstable, too much for you to love. I’m sorry Reg-” Remus didn’t get to finish, because Regulus spun around quickly and left the room, completely silent.
The only thing that could be heard before Regulus made it out of the room was a choked, “Oh shit.”
Regulus stayed quiet as he walked into the space, silent tears running down his face, sitting on the edge of the bed he let all his thoughts and emotions rule him, he’d woken up when James’s warmth had suddenly diminished because he wanted to take a shower, confused he’d just wandered back out towards the parlor when he heard Remus. Now he could feel his heartbeat in his throat as he desperately fought back sobs. He sat there still and silent until the door to James’s bathroom opens, Regulus keeps his head down until James called his name, he looked up to see a brilliant smile plastered across his face, but it stayed there only a moment, only until he saw the sheer pain and horror across Regulus’s own.
“Reg?” James’s face morphed into one of concern.
“James how many times did you try to kill yourself and not tell me?”
James:
James stood frozen, completely still, silent with a terrified look plastered on his face. It stayed like this for a moment, before a lightbulb seemingly went off in his mind.
“Reg, I don’t know what you’re talking about, I never tried to- I never- I never tried to kill myself,” James barely got the last part out, and Regulus saw the moment that the mask slid over his face, as if a solar eclipse had occurred and his sun was being blocked from view,
Regulus felt bile creep up his throat, “No, you can’t just hide from me, James please,” James smiles and moves over towards the wardrobe to get dressed into his sleep clothes, seemingly unbothered by the idea of being naked in the same room at Regulus at the moment.
“Regulus, I’m not hiding from you, I really didn’t, I have no idea where you got that idea from,” James’s voice was stiff, and Regulus could hear the way his breath caught after he spoke, his shoulders growing rigid with every word.
“Jamie please look at me,” Regulus was practically begging. His accent thick, and his eyes welled up with tears. He didn’t think James would, but when he did, Regulus could see the cracks in his walls, small fractures in his facade, and Reg decided he’d try something. He stood, making his way over to James, Regulus cupped James’s cheek, the fissures grew larger and more noticeable.
“Amore please,” James’s voice grew thick,
“Don’t do this, please don’t hide from me,”
Regulus’s voice cracked, “Please don’t act like me,” he whispered.
James, who’s rigidness had started to ebb away, stiffened again, and when he spoke it was harsh.
“Well when you left me because I wasn’t enough for you anymore, I picked up a few tricks, was tired of being everyones fucking burden Regulus, you fucking left, and I had to figure out how to navigate everything by myself again,” James took a step back, trying desperately to reign it back in, to tuck all his hurt back into it’s little box, but he couldn’t. His voice was rising and he couldn’t control his thoughts.
“I became you, not the you that I loved though, I became 4th year you, the one that was cold and hateful, the version of you so unreadable it was as if I didn’t exist anymore. I tried to kill myself 11 goddamn times but you, Merlin, you were the one that finally sent that piece of shit packing.” James clamped his hand over his mouth then, because he’d said too much, he’d let too much escape, the person he’d been before was creeping in on the edges and he couldn’t push them away.
He released his hand, thinking he was done, instead he said, “But now you’re back, and it’s back, and the mask doesn’t fucking work on you because of course it doesn’t, I used to love feeling things, I loved making other people feel things, but now its so foreign and it hurts because its been gone as long as you have. But you’re back and you’re alive and I can’t breathe because I can’t believe that you’re alive, and that you’re here and I can’t help but wonder when you’re going to leave me again.”
James felt as if he’d had several shots of veritaserum, he could no longer control the things rolling out of him.
Regulus:
Regulus had been completely still throughout James’s rant, processing the words as they came and finally let himself feel the gaping hole in his chest that James had just torn the stitches to. He’d never been on the brunt side of James’s anger, and only seen it twice before. He knew in his head that he should be comforting James, telling him that he was here to stay, and that there was nothing that could take him away from James anymore. But his heart, oh his heart, was being ripped to pieces, because he couldn’t lie to James anymore, and he couldn’t take the anger being directed toward him. But how was he supposed to tell James that he was going to sacrifice himself to save James in two days? And how does he deal with the pain in his chest? Regulus can’t breath, can’t get the air to enter his lungs and he can’t stand anymore, his legs wobble like cracked twigs beneath him, just moments from snapping in half before they seemingly do, and Regulus collapses to the floor, the edges of his vision blurring and slowly going dark.
James:
James’s silence lingers in the room. The second that Regulus dropped, so did James, a muzzle dropping over his features. He sat there, cradling Regulus’s head in his hands and sobbed, letting every emotion he’d felt in the last 3 years take over him. The feeling of abandonment as Regulus left him with no explanation, being trapped in a loveless relationship in order to save his friend, grieving the man he’d loved for years, all of it came crashing down as he stared down at Regulus. He tucked himself into Regulus, taking solace in the slow, deep breaths the man was taking.
James didn’t let go until Regulus started to move against him again, uncomfortable wiggles as he tried to see who was against his skin. James rose his head, took Regulus’s face into his hands and joined their lips, and it felt like it always did. Like this was both their first and last kiss. Like the world was burning around them and all that mattered was each other. And this was true. It was almost 2 am on October 31st, and they had 22 hours to get everyone prepared for this battle against the darkest wizard of their age, one of which only knew where they were because of someone who he thought was his best friend. Fireworks seemed to burst above their heads as they kissed. Regulus’s mouth was so soft as he regained coherency and began to kiss back. Regulus reached up, taking James’s hair into his hands and pulling James down closer to him.
Regulus curled into James, making himself small before he whispered, “I don’t want to leave James, I never want to leave you again.”
James tried to stop the tears from forming in his eyes again before picking a half-asleep Regulus up and transferring them to the bed.
“I know love, I don’t want you to leave either,” problem with this statement is, James had already decided that it was Regulus’s turn to live, and it would be his sacrifice that would give Regulus that.
Regulus:
Regulus Black was a resolutely petty man. So when he rolled out of bed at 0530 with only having around 30 minutes of sleep, he mentally added it to the list of things that Tom Riddle would be paying for. He paced around James’s home, checking the wards in every crevice, repairing any damage done, stopping to check for tampering when he found cracks in the foundations of the spells. Slowly but surely, Regulus checked every corner of the house. Ending at the front door.
The sun had risen by now, and their friends were sure to be waking soon, so if Regulus wanted any hope of finishing before Sirius could scold him for doing it all himself, he had to finish. With one more deep breath, Regulus cast his final analysis spell. And he falls to his knees almost immediately. The wards were gone, replaced by a stationary cruciatus curse over anyone who tried to repair them. Grimacing, Regulus mumbled curse words before mentally laughing at the fact that he didn’t cry out.
“Maybe mother’s lessons did work.” Regulus grimaced again before he pushed himself up, allowing the pain to settle in his chest, no less excruciating, but more tolerable. He set to work on undoing the spell, which was easy. Leaving him slightly confused as he read the magical signature associated with it. Voldemort himself had placed this curse, and if only one of his horcruxes had been destroyed, it should’ve been close to impossible for a normal wizard to dismantle, less so for a wizard who’d trained in the dark arts since he could hold a wand, but still difficult.
As if on cue, an owl swooped through the open window in the kitchen, perching on the counter top with a letter, and a medium sized box attached neatly to its claw. Regulus’s breath caught in his throat as he recognized the owl, and again when he read the neat scrawl of his name across the envelope.
Dearest Regulus,
My dearest baby cousin, I pray this letter finds you, Apollo was given specific instructions to find you and then return with no indication of your whereabouts. Inside this box contains the remaining horcruxes needed to dispel the Dark Lord. All have already been dismantled. This means that Voldemort’s soul is his own, intact within his mortal flesh. Lucius and I have taken Draco –who is only 4 months old – and made off into the country. There will be no way to reach us after Apollo has returned until we receive Draco’s Hogwarts letter. We do so hope that our son will have the opportunity to attend the school that raised us. Save us all Regulus. You are a Black, and that name used to mean something. In this world, long ago, to be a Black, meant to be strong, to be loyal, to be a savior. Lead us away from toujours pur and back into the true meaning of the Black name. Voldemort’s ranks are hiding in Malfoy Manor, find them, end this, for all of our sake.Je t'aime ma petite étoile. Rends-nous fiers.
Always yours,
Narcissa Malfoy
Regulus practically tore open the package, inside were 5 items:
- The diary
- The diadem
- The Hufflepuff House Cup
- The Ring
- The eyeball of a large species of snake
“Nagini” Regulus whispered as he rolled the eye around in his hand.
Alongside the locket that Regulus had already destroyed, Regulus was now in possession of everything that was needed to destroy Voldemort.
“Reg?” Regulus felt as if he’d jumped 5 feet in the air as he heard Sirius’s voice sound from behind him. He heard his brother stifle a laugh as he turned quickly, the letter in one hand, Nagini’s eye still in the other.
“What’s this?” Sirius questioned, only for Regulus to thrust the letter into his hands. Sirius looked over the parchment, reading the elegant cursive that he’d also clearly recognized.
“Is this saying that Malfoy turned good, and Narcissa has helped us kill Tom Riddle? Regulus look me in the face and tell me that that’s what I’ve just read.” Instead of responding, Regulus just steps to the side, allowing Regulus full view of the items sitting on the counter. Tears spring in Sirius’s eyes.
“Reggie, we’ve won. This was the last thing, the only thing left that could’ve hurt us against him. We’ve won!” The excitement in Sirius’s voice was palpable, but Regulus couldn’t let himself believe that, not yet. And he told Sirius as much. Conjuring his own parchment, Regulus writes out a letter in response to Narcissa. Thanking her for everything, wishing her well, and silently praying that one day he’d get to see his cousin again, and thank her personally, before setting an untrackablility charm on the note. Fastening it to Apollo and releasing him to return to the Malfoys.
“It’s time to finish what he started,” Regulus said as he turned back to Sirius.
The rest of the day is spent adding wards, and traps throughout the home and property. Everyone put the work in to prepare, so as the sun went down, and darkness took over, they were ready.
As the clock struck 2200, a knock sounded at the door. And having known that Tom would have checked the home for more than three magical signatures, Regulus was careful to keep everyone else spaced out across the property. Luckily enough, Regulus also knew that Riddle was just cocky (sloppy) enough to not check exactly WHO was in the house. So when Lily answered the door and feigned shock, slamming the door in Riddle’s face, the predator fell right into a bigger predator’s trap.
Regulus smiled as Voldemort sent a spell flying at the front door. Only to be struck with a cruciatus curse as he attempted to step through the door.
“What the- what is this?” he growled in between screams of pain. Regulus stepped out from his hiding spot in the darkness of the corridor.
“What is it Tommy? Cat got your tongue?” Regulus giggled as he sent a tongue-tying curse at Tom. Sirius stood from his spot on the couch, releasing the crucio he’d been holding on the man, only to be replaced with a body bind immediately. Across Riddle’s features, Regulus watched horror and fear take the place of the previous cockiness. A shadow suddenly loomed over Riddle’s face and a bright smile took the place of a smirk on Regulus’s face as James stepped into view, informing them that Voldemort, in his presumptuousness had only brought one of his minions, who had already been disarmed and was bound on the front lawn “Pettigrew” James scoffed, before turning his face towards Voldemort, who’s terror was rising with every second. One at a time, James dropped each of the destroyed horcruxes right in front of Voldemort’s face, before beginning the end of Tom Riddle’s life.
“You recruit my friend. You convince him to sell us out. You try to kill the love of my life. You try to kill my friends. My family. My nephew. Me. You decided that your need for power was worth more than the lives of the wizarding world. You killed thousands, harmed hundreds more. Now you will feel their pain, you will feel their fear, you will die the same death they did. Face it Tom, you’ll always be a useless, stupid, halfblood.” Every sentence is punctuated with a diffendo, cutting into Riddle’s skin, and his last sentence is whispered, as James kneels over Tom’s face, before standing and casting.
“Avada Kedavra”
And just like that the war is over. The rest of the order has been sent to infiltrate Malfoy Manor the second Voldemort had left the premises. Dumbledore would be dealt with at a later date, but it was over. Tom Riddle was dead, defiled in his name by a group of misfits, half bloods, dark creatures, and queers, all was right with the world.
Years Later, while attending his nephew’s wedding, Regulus sees his cousin again, and during the reception, he approaches her. It's the summer after Harry and Draco have both graduated Hogwarts, and he’d been hearing Draco’s name from Harry’s mouth since his first.
“They love each other so much” Narcissa said, looking towards the dance floor where Harry and Draco danced slowly to the music together.
“They do,” Regulus smiled. Narcissa turned to Regulus, raising her hand to his face, tears in her eyes.
She smiled up at him, kissing her cousin on the cheek before saying, “Thank you Little Star. You saved us, you saved them,” she paused to point at the couple, “it's because of you that we are here, because you restored the soiled name of the Most Noble House of Black.”
“Us Cissy, its because of us, do not forget that you also come from the Black Family Tree,” Regulus laughed softly as he hugged her. Across the dance floor, James Potter smiled at the two as he plays with his wedding band. Basking in the starlight.