Work Text:
Tyler Joseph doesn’t pray, at least not in the traditional way. A good portion of it for him is screaming into the void, desperately wanting something to answer but never really expecting it to. That’s how he ended up with Josh.
Tyler scooches back on the bed banishing the thought of that night from his head. He’d asked Josh to leave him alone to think. He grasps his ukulele by the neck, lays it across his ribs, and starts strumming. Slow, soft and sad, and contemplative. It’s reflective of how he feels. Each note resonates within his chest so in a way it’s like he’s plucking at his own heart.
It vibrates against his fingertips, resonating in the core of the instrument. He stares up at the ceiling, takes in the shadows, and lets his mind go blank. This is the other way, he’ll play his heart and hope answers come.
-
“Somethings bothering you.”
Tyler looks up from his untouched meal to find Jenna’s ice-blue eyes penetrating into his. Shame grips him and his eyes drop to his clenched fists in front of him.
“Maybe,” he half admits but it confirms her suspicions regardless. His voice cracks on the word. He remembers his voice breaking halfway through the dumb pick-up line he’d used on her when they met and that making her laugh more than anything. She didn’t treat him like he was a famous singer or someone she needed to impress or possess. She treated him like a normal person and he admired that about her instantly.
Her hand closes around one of his, drawing him back to the present and thawing the ice closing in on him marginally.
-
Tyler hums, closing his eyes, still strumming. Before he knows it, it turns to a familiar tune. He sings;
“When the leader of the bad guy sang something soft and soaked with pain, I heard the echo from his secret hideaway. He must’ve forgot to close his door as he cranked out those dismal cords and his four walls declared him insane.”
-
He musters up his courage, looking up to meet her warm gaze despite the color. All he sees from her is love and concern. Before he can think about it too hard his mouth opens without his permission.
“I think I’m bisexual,” sharp surprise but still kindness. It doesn’t quite get to the meat of it, but it’s as good a way as any to open up this can of worms.
Her hand squeezes his reassuringly. He loves her so much. This will make the rest of the conversation hurt all the more.
“You think?” She prompts.
“I know,” he assures with certainty, “it doesn’t change how I feel about you.”
“There’s still something you’re not telling me.” She guesses, wary eyes on his face.
Tyler nods, and now he drops his gaze to their interlocked hands, both of them white-knuckled they’re holding on so tight. He doesn’t have the courage to look her in the eyes while he breaks her heart.
“I’ve been unfaithful.”
A heavy pause, her hand releases him, and he clings as she pulls away. He feels cold again.
“Is it Josh?” She guesses, her voice emotionless.
-
Downstairs he hears the semi-distant sound of Josh drumming. It’s the same song he’s been strumming.
“I know my souls freezing, hell’s hot for good reason, so please~ take me,”
Josh’s drumming sounds desperate and a little angry like he is. But he’s only angry at himself. Not Josh, not Brendon, and not Jenna. He alone carries the blame.
“I don’t know if this song is a surrender or a rebel, I don’t know if this one is about me or the devil.”
-
His head snaps up to look at her.
“How-“How did she guess?
“When we met you two seemed so close. I didn’t think I had a shot. Have you- this whole time?” Her voice turns up at the end, her voice wavering. Her voice reflected the hurt on her face.
Tyler’s eyes sting, he nods and the tears start to fall. This isn’t even the worst of it.
-
“I found my way, right time, wrong place as I plead my case. You’re the judge! Oh no, set me free~ You’re the judge! Oh no, set me free~”
-
“That’s not all. I slept with Brendon. Twice.” This is evidently too much for one conversation, the pain on her face increases tenfold alongside it is disbelief. “I’m so sorry Jenna.”
“Why?” She pleads eventually, they’re both crying now, “Aren’t I enough?”
It’s heartbreaking to see the confusion and desperation on her face. He can see her closing down now, crossing her arms over her chest defensively. Tyler doesn’t think he’s hated himself this much for a long time.
“God Jenna, you’re everything. It’s-“ he flounders, he doesn’t think anything he could say right now could make this right. There’s no explaining it. “I know this is my fault, I wish I could fix it-“ he’s desperate now, rambling. “Say something please.”
Jenna shakes her head and then stands a little clumsily backing away from him. She won’t look at him. “I can’t believe you’d do this-“ she’s interrupted by a sob, “I need to be alone,”
Tyler stands too, “What can I do?” He asks, desperate. “How can I fix this?”
Her face is hard when she says, “I don’t know Tyler, pray for forgiveness.”
-
Tyler is sobbing by now and eventually, he has to stop playing and focus on trying to breathe through the pain. He presses his palms to his eye sockets as if he could stem the tears at the source. It isn’t until he hears the bedroom door opening that he realizes the sounds of Josh’s drumming downstairs has gone quiet.
Tyler glances up at him, his face unreadable as he approaches climbing onto the bed. Tyler’s reaching out for him before he realizes what he’s doing. Josh’s thumb caresses under his eye, red and puffy, wet with tears. Tyler pulls him close and they lay back together, Josh takes the instrument out of his hands and places it aside carefully as if he was handling his heart. Then he feels his mouth on his cheek warm and wet, kissing and tasting the tears away.
Josh makes this soft sound somewhere between agonized and comforting. He feels his hands running through his hair. Tyler feels like it shouldn’t be, but it’s soothing. Tyler squeezes his eyes shut, clinging to the warm body pressed against his. It soothes the frozen ache in his chest.