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Everyone left eventually, it’s been this way all of Aubrey’s life. Even when she was younger she believed it, until she met Hero, Mari, Kel, Basil, and… Sunny. That was a mistake, to believe they’d never go away. Mari took herself away from this world, and the rest split apart. Aubrey has been mostly alone ever since, her absent mother being the only parental figure in her life.
Even now, I still miss them. I see Kel and Basil every day, yet it feels like they’re gone entirely.
She remained alone for a while. Aubrey’s days consisted of going to school, walking around town, and then visiting the church in the evening. She visited Mari a lot, but some days she just couldn’t bear it. Those days were the loneliest. She had noticed Kel had joined the sports team and made many new friends, yet he still didn’t speak to her. Basil sulked by his lonesome, and didn’t talk to her either. After Mari passed, especially after Mari passed, shouldn’t they be there for her? And Hero and Sunny were practically gone; Hero had graduated last year.
Aubrey remembered so vividly the day she attempted to socialize with Basil, it was their eighth year of middle school. He never spoke to anyone anymore, in fact, she never heard him speak. Pitying him, and also desperately wanting to feel his company once more, she approached him. She tried to chat with the poor boy all day, she really did, and even walked him home. He didn’t say much, even when they parted ways. When she found their precious photo album, and all the black markings scribbling out their faces, Aubrey collapsed.
The realization had finally settled in that he was gone. Kel was gone, too. She really, truly had no one.
So, she’d never let anyone enter her heart again.
She intimidated people with her bat. If people were scared of Aubrey, they wouldn’t try to enter her life, right? That was her logic. If she was mean to Basil and Kel, and said the worst things to those boys, she would stop caring for them, right? It was the only way to go. Being alone was the only way to prevent her heart being broken all over again. She would have no tears left to cry.
It was November 11th; Kel’s 16th birthday. Aubrey watched from across the classroom as his sports friends greeted him and passionately rubbed his head and gave him pats on the back and placed his gifts in front of him. His expression, it was so jovial, so bright…his eyes met with Aubrey’s, and his smile loosened slightly. They stared for a prolonged time when the bell finally rang, and Aubrey swiftly made her exit through the classroom door. She knew the direction she was headed as soon as she entered the flooded hallway; her special place, their special place, the lake.
Her pile of skipping pebbles was still there untouched on the edge of the dock. Aubrey seated herself at the edge, removing her dirtied sneakers for comfort, and lining them up evenly next to her, and stuffed her black socks inside. Her legs dangled over the edge into the cool water, it felt refreshing. She picked up a smooth pebble between her thumb and index finger, then tossed it across the lake. One…two…three…four. Then, it sank to the bottom. She tossed a few more.
“Aubrey?” A familiar voice had called out from behind. Aubrey jumped, startled, and flicked her head around to meet her blue eyes with Kel’s brown ones.
“Asshole. You scared me. What the hell are you doing here?”
Kel rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.
“I, uh…I just wanted to see how you were doing. So…how are you doing? Heh.”
That stupid awkward laugh he always did when things got serious. It annoyed Aubrey to her core. She scoffed, flipping her hot pink hair back.
“I’m fine. Why should you care?”
“I still care about you,” Kel smiled.
“Go away. I don’t wanna see you.”
Kel sighed, his expression bitter. He stood up straight, waving to Aubrey. “Bye, then. Sorry to bother you.”
She pursed her lips together. As he walked away toward the park, she spoke again.
“...Happy birthday, by the way.
“Thanks, Aubrey,” His voice sounded warm.
I don’t need you to see me like this. I don't want anyone to see me like this, at all.
Aubrey gazed wistfully across the lake.
Coming here is self destruction. It makes me miss you all more than anything. I don’t want to hate you, but it feels impossible to stop at this point. I’ve accepted now that I’ve been horrible, and there is no going back…I want to express how I truly feel, but I can’t. It’s awful to say, but being so mean to them makes me feel better. It makes me feel like I’m finally getting somewhere with moving on.
She sighed, her eyelids trembling.
But I know that isn’t the truth. It never has been. I still love you all, and I don’t think I can ever stop. It feels awful, because if I love them so much, why am I so mean to them? I don’t have the right to feel this way at all. I don’t have the right to treat people this way. I wasn’t Mari’s little brother, or her boyfriend. She was always like a sister to me, that’s how I viewed her…but she’ll never be. And she’ll forever be gone. I’m being so awful, when Sunny is locked up in his house with no one there. Why should I be the one being so nasty, when HE’S probably the one suffering the most? I don’t get it…
...I still love him. I hate him for leaving, but I still love Sunny. I want him back more than ever. Maybe if Sunny were here, Kel and Basil would come back, too. I’m too much of a coward to speak to them on my own without Sunny. They…probably hate me. People at school say I’m an awful, violent person. I even heard someone say I’m a sociopath once.
No one could ever know what it means to suffer as I have, and feel the things I feel. I want to punch anyone that says those things about me and say, “You don’t know anything about how I feel. Stop talking, you idiot!”...Actually, I’ve said that to Kel, haven’t I? When he was talking to his little jock friends. The worst part about it was that Kel knows exactly how I feel, yet I still push him away.
“Mari…why did you have to die?” Aubrey murmured to herself quietly, trying to not let the tears break out.
There’s someone out there, that if you could hear my thoughts, I want you to know I’m nothing how you think of me. I’m not the best person, but I’m not the worst. I hate you so much, yet I still love you and miss you every day. I know I need to be getting over it since you’re no longer present in my life, but it feels impossible. I just want you to hear me. I just want you to see me. I want you to know how I feel, and how I think, and why I’ve done what I’ve done. You couldn’t possibly understand from an outside view, and even after knowing me so deeply, you refuse to believe I still have love in my heart.
Aubrey parted her lips, looking up at the sky. The sun was setting, painting the once blue canvas beautiful oranges, reds, and purples. The clouds were pink. Her long hair billowed in the wind. She tucked it behind her ear for her vision to clear. A bird flew nearby, landing on the archaic statue in the middle of the lake.
She remembered this, what such an important and meaningful flower had been named after. A White Egret. Beautiful clean white feathers and a craning neck, it always looked so elegant. In some way, it reminded her of Mari; her elegance and beauty.
“I miss you. I want to be better. I promise I will.”