Work Text:
Lycoris radiata
Red spider lily.
I
THE lecture hall was even bigger in the Research Methods classes because no one ever showed up.
The semester was about to end and you could really tell that everybody had the same priorities, but attending yet another Research Methods class wasn’t remotely near anyone’s top 3. Everyone was worried about Mycology and Phytopathology because the professor had the worst powerpoints to have ever graced the earth, and whoever had the ability to comprehend it was a true miracle worker.
Don’t get this wrong — Baekhyun was also extremely worried about understanding the entirety of Mycology and Phytopathology before the exam season, which was rapidly approaching. In fact, while sitting in the back of the lecture hall, with a clear vision of four other students randomly distributed among the seats, the only thing he could think about was that. He wasn’t listening to a single word coming out of the professor’s mouth.
Actually, he didn’t know why he even attended those classes. No one bothers, why should he? But every time he thought about skipping Research Methods, the guilt trapped him once again, and he felt sorry for the professor more than he felt for himself. So there’s Baekhyun again, pretending to listen.
He shot a glance around the hall once again — no sight of Kyungsoo. He would have seen Kyungsoo if he was there; it was impossible to not notice the wide-eyed student that always took the same seat in the 4th row, adjusting his glasses every once in a while. And with that in mind — Kyungsoo, his eyes behind the glasses, his colored socks and weird t-shirts, his comforting presence —, Baekhyun’s thoughts went in a totally different direction.
IN September, when Baekhyun first saw Kyungsoo, he had an odd feeling. Not because he thought Kyungsoo was a bad person, but because he was strangely familiar.
“Hey, I know you”, was the very first thing Kyungsoo ever told Baekhyun; he would never forget that.
“You do?”, Baekhyun asked, looking around. For a moment, he thought Kyungsoo didn’t mean him, Byun Baekhyun, but there was no one behind him in the cafeteria line.
“Yes, I do.” The boy smiled. “We went to the same school in 9th grade, remember? I’m Kyungsoo.” Silence. “Sorry, maybe it’s the wrong person…”
“No, no; it’s probably not. I think I do know you”, Baekhyun said, trying to remember. He couldn’t. In a way, Kyungsoo was very familiar, but also someone completely new. “In 9th grade I wasn’t really the most assiduous student, you know?” He smiled awkwardly. “It was a weird year for me, so maybe I just don’t remember things well. But tell me, we were in the same class or something?”
“No, I don’t think so”, Kyungsoo explained, sounding a little embarrassed. “But you were friends with Chanyeol, right? I had Biology with him, we hung out sometimes. I remember seeing you around with him. I guess that’s it.”
“Oh.” Baekhyun swallowed nervously at the mention of Chanyeol, but tried to make it seem like it was nothing. “Yeah, yeah, I guess that’s it. I kind of… thought you were familiar, but I wouldn’t have remembered if you hadn’t come up to me.”
“Oh, right, right. So, are you in Botany as well?”
“Yup.”
They spent the day together then, chatting about numerous topics, but never really going in depth about their lives. Baekhyun didn’t tell Kyungsoo about Chanyeol, about 9th grade and the subsequent years. Similarly, Kyungsoo didn’t bring up his parents, or his friend Sehun, or anything that wasn’t simple.
That day, Baekhyun almost thought that he could be somehow normal while in his college years. He could have friends, he could talk to people. Maybe… maybe… he could even love somebody.
But what a foolish thing to think.
BACK to Research Methods, Baekhyun woke up from his thoughts when some guy entered the lecture hall fifteen minutes late. Not that it mattered, really, when the class was two hours long, but the fact that the person sat at the front — 4th row — was astonishing. Nobody sat that close to Professor Kim.
Nobody but Kyungsoo, who had a very strict seat code: the 4th row or nothing.
Baekhyun wanted to sneeze so badly, but he held back in order to not bring any attention to himself. Five — now six — students in a gigantic lecture hall: everyone would notice. Everyone would look.
Spring was ending, and so was Baekhyun’s allergy. He was allergic to Spring — the whole concept of it. As soon as March bleeds into April, Baekhyun’s life starts to sicken; not only does his nose start to clog, but his control falls apart. He dies a little bit more every Spring, not able to get himself out of bed, struck by the memory of a distant past that still lingers.
Distracted by some random detail of the professor’s explanation, Baekhyun ended up sneezing. He cursed himself, but no one looked in his direction. He let out a sigh. Thank God.
In the 4th row, Kyungsoo looked around, as if to check if anyone near him was the author of the sneeze, or if anyone else was looking at the person who sneezed. But no one cared, so he went back to paying attention to the class — or pretending to.
Kyungsoo wouldn’t look into Baekhyun's eyes. Not anymore. So, in a way, Baekhyun was grateful that he didn’t look all the way to the back of the lecture hall, because it would hurt too much to see him look away once he saw Baekhyun. It would be too much to handle.
AFTER a month of classes, the new Botany students were already struggling with the subjects. Baekhyun hated the many hours of work he had to put in just so he could understand things. He was never a good student, but never a bad one either. It was puzzling how badly he felt at classes, trying to fixate, trying to grasp things. Everything was there, but he felt like he couldn’t touch it.
“Don’t worry”, Kyungsoo had said to him on a Monday morning in October. “It really is simpler than that, the professor just likes to overcomplicate everything. I’ll send you Sooyoung’s notes, she explains it better.”
Baekhyun hid his face behind his hands, trying hard not to scream. “Thank you”, he managed to say.
Kyungsoo muttered a simple “no problem” and proceeded to send Baekhyun Sooyoung’s notes. She was so organized; Baekhyun wanted to be a little bit more like her.
Also, it was amazing that now Baekhyun had people to hang out with. He spent most of the time with Kyungsoo, getting coffee and tired of wandering almost every day, because they loved to chat while walking around the lake instead of studying. But, still, he could also sit with Sooyoung and Junmyeon; talk about the weather; ask them about their weekends; have a simple laugh with people that didn’t hate him.
It was nice having friends, or just people that would eventually become his friends. And it was nice having a crush on Kyungsoo without hating the fact that he had a crush on a guy. It was nice not feeling like somebody else entirely under his own skin. Feeling like himself, Baekhyun discovered, was amazing.
“So, are you going to the Halloween party?”, Kyungsoo suddenly asked. Baekhyun looked at him with confusion.
“Who’s party?”
“Everyone’s.” Kyungsoo laughed. “Our year is planning a huge party, didn’t you read the messages? In the groupchat?”
“Oh, no, I don’t actually read all that. People text too much.”
Kyungsoo smiled, then continued: “You should go. Really. I’d love to see you in a costume.”
Baekhyun got red in the cheeks, completely taken aback by Kyungsoo’s dreamy tone. Maybe he was hallucinating, or maybe he was just stupid, but it almost felt like Kyungsoo liked him. Or, at least, liked him — in a much simpler, much more common way; as a friend; a non-italicized word.
“Well, I don’t have any costumes.”
“We can find you one. We have time. What’s your favorite monster?”
ONLY five minutes had passed. Baekhyun was so fucking bored already.
He thought about going back to revising his Mycology and Phytopathology notes, but looking through his notebook with more attention, he realized they were almost non-existent. He sighed, wishing his past self could have been a bit more responsible with his academic duties, but it was too late to do that. He should have noticed it sooner.
Baekhyun glanced at the back of Kyungsoo’s head, who was focused on something — could be either his notebook or his cellphone —, completely unaware of Baekhyun’s presence. That’s when Baekhyun remembered the flower. As if he could ever forget it.
II
LYCORIS RADIATA.
These were the only two words that blossomed under his pencil and over the paper — and it was formatted the wrong way, by the way. According to the rules of binomial nomenclature, only the first letter should’ve been capitalized, and the name should’ve been highlighted in either italic, bold or a simple underline. Baekhyun wasn’t able to write in italic, nor did he have the patience to falsify a bold style, so what he should’ve written instead was Lycoris radiata. However, he didn’t care too much about that.
It was Spring, four years ago. His nose was runny, he wanted to sneeze all the time, and his heart was aching — as always, every Spring. But that was the first one in which he experienced all these symptoms at once.
Lycoris radiata is a beautiful, chinese flower — but it’s mostly associated with japanese culture — and it symbolizes death. Its red flowers are disposed in umbels, which is just a fun fact that Baekhyun liked to know because it showed that he knew what the fuck an umbel is. He was proud. He liked flowers, and that one was especially important for him, since it was the one that grew in his lungs everytime Chanyeol cast a glance in his direction.
Baekhyun never spat any petals, never had problems breathing, but everytime he looked at himself in the mirror — every time he remembered what it felt like to have his heart shattered —, he imagined the red, poisonous flower climbing up his lungs’ walls. It felt somehow better. He could pretend he was actually sick; that he had an actual case of hanahaki byou. It made him feel less bad about crying all night.
His nose itched in class, and he thought of the flower. His eyes reddened from the sneezes and the crying, and he thought of the flower. He remembered the humiliation, the way Chanyeol and the others had made fun of him, the way Chanyeol didn’t even know… and he thought of the flower. He hoped it killed him, but it never did.
Lycoris radiata, the red spider lily, is normally diploid, with 11 chromosomes, but it has a triploid version with 33. The triploid is sterile and can only reproduce asexually, through bulbs, which means that the japanese triploid red spider lillies are all genetically uniform. They grow, and live, and die, and yet they never change. They multiply, yet they stay the same.
The same way, generation after generation. Nothing to be proud of.
And also, to Baekhyun’s (lack of) surprise, Lycoris radiata’s flowers are perennial, which means that its leaves don’t fall once autumn arrives. They stay.
In fact, his own have stayed long enough. Actually, he thinks they might stay there forever.
BAEKHYUN USED to think that Chanyeol was a nice guy, and as much as he still thinks that he wasn’t necessarily at fault for what happened, he knew what he was doing. Chanyeol knew, Baekhyun knew he knew. That couldn’t be changed, no matter how many times Chanyeol tried to apologize.
Baekhyun liked Chanyeol. One day, he made the mistake of indirectly telling that to a friend. The next day, things hadn’t changed yet, but as the weeks went on, he could physically feel the shift. The way his friends eyed him, the way they smiled in a not so welcoming manner. The way Chanyeol avoided his gaze, his texts, him.
But it all suddenly vanished. And then it got worse.
On a random day in March, the people Baekhyun thought were his friends stood in his way after P.E. class and made his life hell. He wouldn’t mind being mocked that day — he would —, he wouldn’t care about the jokes — he would —, he wouldn’t even be bothered by the fact that Chanyeol was there too, silent — he definitely would —, if that had stopped there. But it never really stopped; the flower only grew bigger, and it never stopped; it never killed him, even though he always felt like he was dying.
As the days went by, Spring eventually faded into summer and Baekhyun’s allergies stopped bothering him, but Lycoris radiata never left. It was always there, waiting for the next Spring to resurrect its pointy petals, painting everything red. Baekhyun had his own inflorescence. His own ever-growing tragedy.
He couldn’t get rid of it, so he chose to embrace his flower.
“I DON’T have a favorite monster. What kind of question is that?!” Baekhyun raised an eyebrow at Kyungsoo, who had started laughing.
“What are you going to wear, then? I’m trying to help!”
“I’m not gonna wear anything.”
“So you’re going to the party naked, then?”
“I’m not going to the party, Kyungsoo, oh my God…”
Kyungsoo’s laughter faded into a shy smile and he continued to write down little observations about the article he was reading. They were in the cafeteria, once again, drowning in books and wishing for a miracle.
“Well, you don’t have to go to the party if you don’t want to…” Kyungsoo stated.
“I thought that was already established?”
“I mean, it was! Don’t get me wrong.” He paused for another smile. Baekhyun wished he didn’t, because now he was willing to do anything Kyungsoo asked him to. “We can hang out together instead. Fully dressed, though.”
“So no being naked?”
“I meant the costumes!”
Baekhyun thought for a second.
“I accept the invitation, but I decline the costume thing.”
And with a big smile, Kyungsoo answered: “We’ll do whatever you want.”
BAEKHYUN COULDN’T face Chanyeol anymore once it started.
Evidently, because he felt like shit and Chanyeol didn’t bother to help him, but also because Chanyeol wasn’t exactly aware that he was the one — the one everyone was talking about; the one who stole Baekhyun’s heart.
Baekhyun was lucky enough that the person who outed him to the whole school kept the name of his crush a secret. At least that he could save for himself, but what is the purpose of having such a thing if you’d never be able to confess your feelings to the person you like?
“So, who is it?” Baekhyun remembers Chanyeol asking one day, while the classroom was still a bit agitated from the Math assignment the teacher had prepared. With so much noise, nobody would pick up on the fact that Chanyeol was actively talking to his gay deskmate. Clever.
“That’s none of your business”, Baekhyun had retorted. Chanyeol went silent again, and never made that question again.
From that week on, Baekhyun started choosing the classes he would attend. He avoided P.E. as much as he could, and doing that actually helped make things a bit better. He figured that if he made himself disappear, people would forget about him and take a while to notice his presence again.
Nevertheless, even if the bullying attenuated sometimes, it never ceased. Baekhyun had to move schools to feel a little bit less dead, and he never had the courage to make friends again until college. A new thing. New people. New place. A new Baekhyun — a happier one.
ON OCTOBER 31st, Baekhyun did the craziest thing: he went on a date.
Okay, it wasn’t exactly a date; it was more like something he and Kyungsoo did because they were bored, and also because they liked each other. Sounds like a date, but Baekhyun never had the courage to ask and now it was too late.
They weren’t wearing a costume, but it seemed like everyone else was. They walked through the streets guessing which monster slash character slash celebrity slash concept people were dressed as, and they were not good at that game.
“This is better than the party, to be honest”, Kyungsoo said after they miraculously ended up in a desert arcade. Gosh, they were so predictable…
Baekhyun pursed his lips so he wouldn’t blush or say something stupid.
“Really?”, he then said, which was stupid, meaning that he failed. “Are you being serious? You’d rather see me than go to an actual party?”
Baekhyun had a hard time believing that because movies made him think that parties were the most important thing in a college student’s life — he was so wrong.
“Yeah?” Kyungsoo smiled as if it was obvious, but he knew it wasn’t. He blushed a little, but Baekhyun wasn’t able to see it in the arcade’s lighting. “I’m lucky to see you. I mean, I feel lucky… everytime I see you.” Silence. Kyungsoo let out an awkward chuckle. “Sorry, that was a dumb thing to say. Forget it.”
Baekhyun should have handled that better. He should have gone for it, he should have kissed Kyungsoo, but, oh!, he wasn’t planning that… He remembered thinking he wanted to wait, because he was unsure. He wanted to have a little space, and now he just wishes he had done it in a different way.
Oh, no, Baekhyun was so silly... He didn’t know his time with Kyungsoo was ending, even though it had also just started.
III
NOBODY’S REALLY PRETTY. Everyone’s ugly. The only people that are pretty are other people, people that aren’t ourselves. We are never pretty; others are always prettier — so Baekhyun thought, and as much as that wasn’t true for everybody, it was for him. It had always been, but the thought grew stronger each day. It lingered and solidified, stood still and expanded too, as if that wasn’t impossible. He got used to it over time, sure, but he hated it.
The lecture hall was unchanged. Kyungsoo was still in the 4th row, the four other students were also in the same place. No one had left yet. Baekhyun hadn’t written a single line. At least, time still passed — that was the only proof that life was still going on, that it hasn’t frozen out of nowhere. They were all still alive; at least the majority of them. The professor seemed more like a ghost everyone was ignoring.
Only one more hour and the class would end. The rest of the world would carry on, undoubtedly. The pain on Baekhyun’s chest would too, but at least he would be freed from the merciless claws of Research (and its boring) Methods.
THINGS WENT MARVELOUSLY well after October 31st, at least until March. Baekhyun and Kyungsoo started going out a bit more, they started talking a bit more, looking into each other’s eyes a bit more… Baekhyun felt silly for thinking that way, so focused on the little details, but he couldn’t help it.
The thing is — nitpicking is addictive. Baekhyun was so used to searching for the smallest of gestures that would tell him that people despised him that he actually started doing the same thing with Kyungsoo, but to know if he liked him. Baekhyun loved the way it worked.
If Kyungsoo didn’t like him, he wouldn’t hang out with him so much, everytime he could, from November to March. He wouldn’t hold his hand so much, wouldn’t choose Baekhyun instead of his other friends almost every single time, wouldn’t tell Baekhyun so much about himself and listen to everything Baekhyun had to say — he didn’t talk about the flower, though, but he was planning on doing that. He wanted Kyungsoo to know.
And on top of it all, if Kyungsoo did not like Baekhyun, he wouldn’t have kissed him under the moonlight on March 19th, when they were out on the roof of Sooyoung’s house after dinner, hiding from the others, or just looking for a place in which they could talk — or kiss — privately. He wouldn’t have smiled after it either. But he did, so that meant he liked him, right?
So why the fuck did he ghost him after that?
So why, after March 19th, did Kyungsoo and the others vanish from Baekhyun’s sight? Why did they start to ignore him? Why did Kyungsoo run away everytime he locked eyes with Baekhyun?
He was trying to comprehend, but it was hard. Baekhyun hadn't done anything bad, had he? Kyungsoo did not explain. No one ever did. Sooyoung pretended to not see him, Junmyeon didn’t even flinch when Baekhyun called his name, and Kyungsoo only talked to him once, just to tell him: “I don’t want to talk to you.”
Lycoris radiata thrived.
TWENTY MINUTES BEFORE two hours had passed, Professor Kim had the brilliant idea to end the class. It was a given for the six people that had the courage to willingly attend Research Methods.
Everyone stood up, a bit awkwardly, because no one sat next to anyone. Every single student came to the Research Methods class alone, each one for a different reason, and everybody ended up in the same silly little crowd that anxiously moved towards the exit door closest to the back, farthest from the professor.
Baekhyun looked up at Kyungsoo’s face, and he ignored him. It was normal at that point, so Baekhyun wasn’t surprised. Lycoris radiata beamed from inside his lungs, then stretched its petals a little more, getting bigger in size. Baekhyun coughed. The flower shone.
He struggled to pack his things, his pencils refusing to get into the pencil case, his patience slowly ceasing. Baekhyun inhaled deeply, which only gave more oxygen to the red spider lily. He cursed.
Baekhyun finally sprinted out of the lecture hall, looking around endlessly, trying to find the familiar shape of Kyungsoo’s lips; the image of his blue backpack; his deep eyes, even if they fought to stay away from Baekhyun; his sweet smell. His silly rainbow socks.
Baekhyun ran to the lake — nothing. He ran back to the lecture hall door, rushing through the other students as if he was invisible — nothing. He went into the cafeteria, but it was too packed for him to see anything. Finally, Baekhyun gave up, and that’s when he found Kyungsoo.
Sitting on the end of the stairs next to the bathrooms, a deserted place at that time of the day, he was eating an apple and watching something on his phone. Baekhyun gathered the determination he needed and approached Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo pretended to not see him at first, but Baekhyun could tell he saw him. His lips twitched just a little, but it was an obvious sign. When Kyungsoo finally looked up — and for the first time in weeks, looked into Baekhyun’s eyes —, Baekhyun thought he could be hopeful. Things weren’t so lost. He could make it; he could have friends again.
Kyungsoo seemed almost sad. He glanced in the direction of the bathroom doors, making sure no one was near. That destroyed Baekhyun. It made all of his bad memories resurface, all the way from being beaten up at the end of school in the 9th grade to Chanyeol not wanting to talk to him in public, right after everyone knew he was gay but before he started being heavily bullied. That movement alone brought so much life to the red spider lily, and it took so much out of Baekhyun.
But he didn’t know yet.
“Stop following me, Baekhyun. It’s not funny”, Kyungsoo whispered.
“I’m not following you.” That was not entirely true, but not false either. “I’m trying to talk to you.”
Kyungsoo closed his eyes for a second, as if trying to recompose himself before continuing. “Leave me alone”, he asked. “Please. Get out of here. Go away”.
“Why?” Baekhyun couldn’t comprehend. “Why are you doing this? Why do you hate me?” Silence. “Why are you ignoring me?”
Kyungsoo looked away again, this time trying to focus on his phone, muttering something under his breath in an attempt to keep himself sane.
But Baekhyun was still there, standing before him with teary eyes. Kyungsoo couldn’t make him go away, as hard as he tried. In a way, he didn’t want Baekhyun to be gone, but he knew best. Baekhyun still didn’t. So Kyungsoo had to do it.
He inhaled deeply. Then, sincerely, with all of the remains of his heart and power, he said:
“I don’t hate you, Baekhyun. I love you. But you’re dead. I’m just lucky to be able to see you.”
Baekhyun’s heart sank. He eyed himself: his hands, his clothes… he didn’t seem dead. He didn’t feel dead, but he figured it made sense. It wasn’t such an otherworldly claim for him, because it kind of explained things. He felt like he just remembered something.
Kyungsoo went back to his YouTube video, shedding a single tear, silently trying to piece his broken heart together, and the dead guy went back to the lecture hall in order to reflect on his already consummated mortality.
BAEKHYUN DIED IN the first day of Spring, accordingly.
That was everything he knew from memory: he had died on March 20th, the very same day in which the year welcomes the damned season. He recalled every hour of the 19th, but from the 20th on, he only had only a few memories and a strong feeling that something was off. None of his friends attended classes that week, and he thought that that was the strangest thing to ever happen. How stupid he was.
He didn’t remember the occasion of his death, but he could tell Kyungsoo wasn’t lying: Baekhyun really had died. It was like finally figuring out something he already knew. Yes, Baekhyun, you’re dead; how could you forget to notice that?
Thinking back, it really made sense — why everyone pretended to not see Baekhyun. Why Baekhyun’s notes never seemed to stay in his notebook, even if he had memory of writing them. Why, despite thinking he was living life just the way he always had, Baekhyun could not remember a single day, since March 20th, in which he was at home. He was always at the university, as if some kind of haunting spirit. He kind of was, he figured.
Baekhyun was so embarrassed.
He died, couldn’t remember how, didn’t even realize it, and while he was busy not noticing his own passing, he accidentally started haunting his best friend — well, not anymore. Dead people don’t have friends, do they?
I’m just lucky to be able to see you, Kyungsoo had said. Baekhyun still couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or just honest.
The lecture hall remained empty. Nobody prevented Baekhyun from getting there, sitting on a random chair, putting his feet up and looking at the ceiling.
A ghost.
Suddenly, Baekhyun smiled at a stupid thought — after all, he was the one ghosting, not the one being ghosted —, then he cried.
There was something about dying in Spring that was exceedingly horrible, but also quite appropriate. It almost felt right that the season that brought him such suffering was also the one that ended it all. It was recomforting, knowing the flower finally killed him — that’s what Baekhyun guessed; he must have died from Lycoris radiata —, but it was also disturbing. The flower gave up, it killed him, but why did it still hurt?
What the fuck was he supposed to do about that?
What do people do when they die?
IV
KYUNGSOO HAD ALWAYS FELT a strange disconnection to his body, as if he wasn’t real. Not that he disliked his body or that he wanted to change it, just that he could not conceive the fact that it was his. He was a living being and he had a body — weird. He could perceive people, the ones alive and the ones dead, but so did them: he was visible too.
That was the scarier part.
Not so much being able to communicate with the dead; he was used to it. But the dead being able to communicate with him — that terrified Kyungsoo. However, in a way, he was relieved to be able to talk to people only he could see. That way, he had the opportunity to say his last words to his loved ones if they ever went looking for him after their death. This had to be some kind of blessing.
And he did just that when his aunt died: waited until she came to him, and they pretty much always did, so he told her everything he wanted to say before she was completely gone. He also did that when his father died. And when his brother’s friend died, he read out loud the letter his brother had written to him.
It was always a strange moment — it’s not easy to talk to ghosts, even more when they don’t know they’re ghosts —, but it gave Kyungsoo some sense of closure. A feeling that he had no regrets, no desire to go back in time, what helped him gladly accept the burden of saying goodbye. And of living goodbye too, because the worst thing about death is, ironically, not death itself — the act of saying goodbye —, but the life that remains after that. Living goodbye, not just saying it.
But that — the acceptance, the getting over it — did not happen with Sehun.
Because he never showed up.
WHEN SEHUN DIED, HE simply disappeared.
Sure, he didn’t just dissipate, melt into the wind, merge into the earth like he was being absorbed; he actually died. His body stopped working, he stopped breathing. They had to bring him to the hospital, then to the cemetery, then to his grave. They had to write his epitaph.
He was so young when he died — run over by a car, as Sehun’s parents told Kyungsoo — that nobody had any idea of what words to put in his gravestone, so they asked Kyungsoo, Sehun’s (former) best friend. (Do dead people have best friends?)
Kyungsoo, or at least his 17-year-old self, thought of the best solution: he would wait until Sehun appeared to him and would ask what he wanted his epitaph to be.
Sehun would probably say something really stupid and Kyungsoo would have to adapt his idea so Sehun’s parents wouldn’t be mad at him, which was unlikely considering they adored Kyungsoo since he was a little kid. There was also the possibility that Sehun would not even care about an epitaph, but in a way or another, Kyungsoo still wanted to ask his friend’s opinion.
He waited patiently. Sehun’s parents gave him an one week deadline, because even though they knew it was a big responsibility and that it had to be carefully thought through, they also did not want to leave Sehun gravestoneless for too long. And so Kyungsoo waited the whole week.
Sehun never showed up.
Kyungsoo, then, went to his best friend’s grave and called his name. He went to his best friend’s room and called his name. He went to every possible corner of this earth in which he thought Sehun might be, called his name, and heard nothing in response every single time.
It’s not that Sehun never looked for Kyungsoo, it’s that he had left without talking to him. The difference, at least to Kyungsoo, was big enough for him to cry about it for the rest of his life.
He could not deliver the epitaph, so they left Sehun epitaphless.
Later on, Kyungsoo discovered that Sehun did not die in a car accident, like he was told. Sehun died of suicide at the age of seventeen, leaving nothing behind. No letter, no message, no pre or post-death conversation.
Kyungsoo would never get over that.
WHEN BAEKHYUN SAID YES the day Kyungsoo first asked him out, it was like a dream — Kyungsoo had had a crush on him for the longest time.
When they were in 9th grade and Kyungsoo sometimes saw Baekhyun hanging out with Chanyeol, before the incident, he was always a bit struck by his beauty, but never brave enough to tell him that. When he spotted Baekhyun in the same university as him, though, that was a different story: Kyungsoo was a different person. Not necessarily a braver one, just a more inconsequential one.
Hence, when they kissed on the roof of Sooyoung’s apartment, he was ecstatic.
On the other hand, when he found out Baekhyun had died the day after, he was absolutely devastated and completely terrified.
IT TOOK KYUNGSOO LONG enough to realize that Sehun did not owe him anything.
Sehun was not obligated to display his motives, to leave behind a letter, an explanation, or to come by to say goodbye.
But, at the same time, not being hurt by seeing his best friend go away without a single word was also something that Kyungsoo did not owe Sehun. He was allowed to feel hurt, because he was, and he would always be, even when the wound closed and the scar stopped aching.
And Kyungsoo would love his best friend forever. That would remain unchanged.
BAEKHYUN DIED CALMLY, LIKE he was not supposed to go to sleep so soon but got a little carried away as he lay on the couch to rest. Like he had just drift off after a long day of work a bit earlier than usual.
Kyungsoo woke up on the 20th day of March to a dozen missed calls from Sooyoung and Junmyeon, and when he finally called back, he wished he never did it.
It would’ve been better if he hadn’t.
He could’ve stayed under the cozy blanket of ignorance. He could’ve woken up and chosen to never touch his phone again, then lock himself up in his own house and start living completely detached from society, without the knowledge that Baekhyun hadn’t woken up that morning. That his roommate tried, but was unsuccessful in getting Baekhyun out of bed. That Baekhyun had a fragile heart. That no one could have ever predicted this ending because not even Baekhyun himself knew he had such a fragile heart. That Kyungsoo had seen him just hours before he died. That Kyungsoo couldn’t have done anything to keep him close.
Kyungsoo imagined if Baekhyun would ever come to him to talk about their kiss, or if he would just straight up follow the light without a second glance around, like Sehun did. But Baekhyun did come by, like nothing had happened, and Kyungsoo had to be the one to break the news for him.
And unlike what Baekhyun remembered, he did go to other places besides college after his death. Baekhyun appeared in Kyungsoo’s house at the dawn of the 21st day of March, asking why none of their friends had shown up to classes. Kyungsoo then asked if Baekhyun had attended classes.
“Yes, obviously”, Baekhyun answered naturally. Like he hadn’t just popped up in Kyungsoo's living room. “I’m responsible, unlike you guys.” He smiled. “But, really, why is everyone gone? Did I do something?”
“No”, Kyungsoo answered, doing his best to not tear up. Partial lie. Baekhyun had done something, but no one was mad at him for that.
“Then why didn’t I get the memo? It seemed to be something that you guys planned in advance.”
“We did not plan anything in advance. We were surprised by your death.”
As he said that, Kyungsoo slowly realized that he probably shouldn’t have put it that way, so casually. Baekhyun’s eyes widened, his jaw dropped, and his image flickered. Baekhyun didn’t know. He wasn’t messing around; he genuinely didn’t know.
Kyungsoo almost wished Baekhyun would forget that he had ever said that, which he now regrets.
“What?” Baekhyun looked around.
“You’re…”, Kyungsoo started, but never ended the sentence. “I’m sorry.”
BAEKHYUN WAS DEAD, BUT his mind was alive. Extremely crumbly, fickle and thin, but somehow alive.
He didn’t catch up to his own passing and kept living fractions of his life. He went to classes. He sat at the table with everyone. He even studied in the library, but Kyungsoo could tell he was uncomfortable on that chair. And confused.
Baekhyun kept trying to start a conversation with Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo kept trying to gather the courage to tell him that he was dead, but never really succeeded, so instead Kyungsoo would just tell Baekhyun that he didn’t want to talk to him at all.
Kyungsoo didn’t know if Baekhyun had just forgotten what he told him on March 21 or if he just did not believe that. All that Kyungsoo knew was the hurt of the loss, the act of pushing his dead best friend away and the simultaneous desire of keeping him as close as possible.
How selfish he was. And how miserable.
It hurt being able to see Baekhyun — Kyungsoo never thought he would say this, but here we are. Seeing Baekhyun was like being stabbed a million times, a never ending pain. It was sickening, knowing he wasn’t aware, but also not knowing if it was best this way; having no clue if telling him he was dead would make his suffering go away or if it would only intensify it.
Kyungsoo considered his options, even though he didn’t really think it was a matter of if, but when to tell Baekhyun. He couldn’t let him stay like that for eternity, but he also didn’t seem to find an appropriate time, or an appropriate state of mind, to break the news once again. How do you even do that?
How do you tell someone you love them, but, also, they died months ago? How does one cope with all that? And how could Kyungsoo permanently let go of Baekhyun, knowing that telling him would make him disappear?
It was like killing him again, he concluded.
V
THE LECTURE HALL HASN’T ALWAYS been this big, Baekhyun thought to himself. I must be getting smaller.
It was late at night, but he could still see. And wander. And wonder.
He caught himself appearing in random places not remembering how he got there. He was dead, yes, but he hadn’t developed the ability to teleport yet. Actually, he was surprised he could still think.
He thought back to the Research Methods class — how unnecessary it was for him to attend it if the professor couldn’t even see him. He had wasted a good amount of ghost time just by doing that.
Baekhyun was invisible, and that was a great thing, right? He could do whatever he wanted to. Right? It was one of his childhood dreams, like being mysteriously locked up in a supermarket, at the candy section, with no cameras and no repercussions at all if he just ate all of the candy. But that wasn’t how he felt; he felt more like being trapped in the supermarket, at the candy section, but all lights were off and he suddenly hated candy. Still no repercussions, but he had no motivation at all. He just wanted to go home again.
What do dead people do when they want to die? Alive people just die, Baekhyun believed, but the whole point of dead people is that they had already died. Was it possible to do it twice? No, no, that’s highly unlikely.
He was stuck in a role he had no previous experience in. He didn’t know what he was supposed — expected — to do, but again, his actions had no repercussions. He was invisible to everyone.
Everyone but Kyungsoo.
BAEKHYUN LANDED SMOOTHLY IN KYUNGSOO’S living room like he had done that before. It was easier than he thought. Maybe — just maybe — he was capable of teleporting. The perks of not having to breathe.
“Hi”, Baekhyun said just to announce his entrance, so he wouldn’t scare the owner of the house. Kyungsoo could never be startled by him, though, because he was kind of expecting Baekhyun.
“Hi”, Kyungsoo said back. “I’m sorry about it all. I should’ve told you sooner.”
“I’m not mad”, Baekhyun answered right away. “Honestly. I can’t blame you. I don’t think I would stand it if I was you. Like, seeing dead people.” He felt like he had twisted the subject a little; that wasn’t what he planned on telling Kyungsoo. So he cleared his throat, which was surprisingly possible for a dead man, and continued: “I love you. Thank you for being my friend and for being there for me. For listening to me. I’m lucky you saw me.”
Kyungsoo was oddly quiet, and Baekhyun could definitely tell why. His eyes were so red he probably wouldn’t be able to talk properly.
Baekhyun remembered every single time Kyungsoo had looked away when he tried to meet his eyes after March 20. Back then, he used to feel bad for himself, thinking that Kyungsoo hated him. Now, he feels bad for Kyungsoo, knowing that he was as confused as Baekhyun. As hurt, as powerless.
And he wanted it all to stop.
“I’m sorry I accidentally haunted you”, Baekhyun shrugged and Kyungsoo smiled, drying his tears with the back of his hands. “It was hard for me to understand, but I’m not really conscious all the time. You are, I suppose. So I figured you must’ve felt devastated.”
Silence. It hadn't ended yet.
“I will never forget you”, Baekhyun added. “And I wish you guys can carry on. I hope so. I hope you find happiness.”
At that moment, when they locked eyes, none of them looked away. Kyungsoo’s tears stopped flowing, but his face was still red, and Baekhyun’s smile was small, but kind. The flower had finally died.
Lycoris radiata served its purpose. It stretched its arms one last time and it died, peacefully, like all living things. And Baekhyun, who had already done that, faded into the air. Melted into the universe, welcomed into the land of the dead, ready to shut down completely. To vanish.
“I will never forget you either”, Kyungsoo whispered to the silence that followed. “Never.”