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It’s been four years..
Four years since I went to New York to pursue my dreams.
Four years that I’ve been wandering around the city streets, bustling with people going to work or with teenagers hanging out with their friends.
Four years since I’ve started to move on and go on with my life.
But it feels like I’m forever longing for that someone that I left behind.
----
Plane landing safely to New York, Donghae went to the luggage area to get his things, passing by the ticketing office of the airport. He was tempted to buy plane tickets back to Korea. He was tempted to leave everything behind just to have Kyuhyun back in his arms.
However, he knows that Kyuhyun wouldn’t like it if he would choose him over his dreams.
He understands Kyuhyun’s intention; he doesn’t like him to have regrets later on.
But he doesn’t fully understand why they have to go on their separate ways.
But if that’s what Kyuhyun wants, then so be it.
“I’ll focus with my studies, graduate with flying colours, and get a decent job.” Donghae thought to himself as he started to trek on his journey to success.
----
Feeling nostalgic, Donghae stood up from his table in a cafe and walked to his workplace. Because of his impressive grades and improvements, he became a dance teacher at his school after graduation. He’s very happy with his life right now.
That’s what he claims to be.
“Donghae!”
Donghae saw his bestfriend across the hallway, waving frantically at him. Donghae waved back and moved closer to the male.
“Hello to you, too, Hyukjae.” Donghae smiled.
“On your way to class?”
Donghae smacked his head. “It’s not like I’m the only teacher in that class.” He retorted sarcastically.
Hyukjae side hugged the male and smiled. “We’re on our way then. Let’s go!”
Donghae smiled at his best friend’s antics and let himself be dragged by the male.
---
Foreign country. Foreign school. New environment.
Donghae feels nervous. It’s his first day of classes and he’s afraid that he might do something out of ordinary. He may be able to speak English, but he only had a little English vocabulary stored in his mind.
He regrets not going to his English classes when he was still studying in Korea.
Donghae went to his classroom and sat at the far back of his class. While waiting for the class to start, he took out his phone and browsed some dance practises that he had recorded in Korea.
“Wow, nice moves there.” He heard someone comment next to him. Donghae looked up from his phone and saw a monkey-looking male.
“Thanks.” Donghae said. “Are you Korean?” He asked, his Seoul accent slipping on his tone.
The male laughed. “Yes, I am.” He said, switching to his Korean native tongue. “I’m Lee Hyukjae, by the way.” He draw out his hand for a handshake.
Donghae grasped Hyukjae’s hand. “Lee Donghae.”
Hyukjae took a seat next to him. “I’m relieved to know that I’m not the only foreigner in this class.”
Donghae smiled. Moving to New York might be nice after all. “Me too.”
---
“Earth to Donghae.” The latter snapped back to reality when he heard his monkey-looking best friend, waving his hand in front of his face. He then heard his students’ giggled at the sight.
“I guess your teacher’s well being is not with us today.” He heard Hyukjae speak with their students.
“Sorry guys. I was just asking myself why am I even friends with your teacher here.” Donghae said, pointing to his fellow teacher.
“Wow, I am impressed.” He heard Hyukjae move closer to him. “I am right here beside you and yet I am still running inside your little head.” Hyukjae whispered to his ear, but loud enough to be heard by his students.
He heard his students squeal. He knows his students and co-teachers love their skinships that he’s very much immune to it.
But he knows there’s nothing much more to that. Hyukjae knew this as well.
Donghae looked Hyukjae in his eyes. “I am impressed with myself as well.” He smiled. “But we have a class to teach, Mr. Lee Hyukjae”
“We don’t really mind, sir.” He heard one of his students, a male particularly, shout. His classmates giggled at his statement.
“Let’s just obey my beloved Lee Donghae.” Hyukjae turned to his students. Donghae snorted. “Okay, stand up and let’s warm up. We’ll be killing some muscles today, yet again.” Hyukjae then turned to Donghae.
“Let’s go?”
---
“Let’s go back to class.”
Hyukjae looked at Donghae in panic, grasping the latter’s hand. “Did you understand what I’ve just said?”
Donghae stared blankly at their hands. Hearing Hyukjae’s confession terrified him. He isn’t ready for a new relationship. And he doesn’t know why.
It’s been two years and a half since he moved here in New York. Two years and a half years since he and Hyukjae became friends, best friends even. And those years are enough to forget, move on and love someone again.
But something is holding him back.
“You knew my story, right Hyuk?” Donghae asked him shakily.
“Yes.” Hyukjae looked at him pleadingly. “I am willing to help you heal your broken heart, Hae. I am willing to help you forget him.”
Donghae looked down. “I am sorry Hyuk.” He retracted his hand. “I don’t know myself if my heart would still be fixed. I don’t want to give you false hopes nor hurt you Hyuk.” A tear escaped his eyes. “I don’t want to risk our friendship for something I can’t guarantee to give you back. I don’t want to forget him. I loved him, and I still love him. I’m not the one for you, Hyuk.” Donghae said.
“Let’s just go back to how it used to be.”
Hyukjae looked sadly at Donghae.
“Okay. Just don’t tell me to stop loving you, Hae. Because I don’t know if I would be able to stop myself.”
“Okay, but don’t chain yourself with your love for me.”
“I understand.”
---
“I’ll fly back to Seoul.”
Hyukjae and his boyfriend, Siwon, looked at him from across the cafeteria table. Donghae laughed.
“You should look for yourselves at the mirror. Your reactions are hilarious.”
Hyukjae swallowed whatever food it is on his mouth. “When?”
Donghae looked up from his food. “Next week.”
“Why made you decide to go back to Korea?” Siwon asked him.
Donghae smiled. “I think it’s time to go back and find myself. I thought that by coming back to the country where my heartaches began, I would be able to let go all the feelings that I’m still harbouring now and start moving on with my life.”
Hyukjae smiled, albeit proudly. “I hope that by coming back to Korea, not only for you to find yourself, but also your happiness too.”
Donghae felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, signalling for a message. Donghae opened the message and smiled.
“I hope so too, Hyuk.” Donghae looked at the couple in front of him. “I hope I’m doing the right thing.”
---
A week has passed. And later, he’ll be flying back to his home country.
After saying his farewell to his students and co-workers, Donghae went home to pack his things. He doesn’t know what to expect when he comes back. How much did Seoul change for the past four years? How much did his friends change after those four years?
But then, all he wants is to go back and let go all the heartaches that he’s been feeling for the last four years. He wants to breathe properly, to smile genuinely and live his life to its fullest. He’s letting go, by going back to the place where it all started.
Or is it the real reason why he’s coming back?
Donghae looked back at the message sent earlier.
“Do you want me to pick you up at the airport tomorrow?”
Donghae smiled. He only contacted this hyung only last week ever since he stepped foot to New York, and yet he doesn’t feel any ill feelings from this hyung. All he felt was that this hyung is happy that he’s coming back to Seoul again.
“No, Heechul hyung but thank you. I want to explore Seoul first by myself. I’ll meet you the day after tomorrow.”
---
Inhaling the crisp air of Seoul, Donghae grinned. He really felt good to be back at his own country. He enjoyed looking around and seeing people with the same nationality as him. So many things have changed ever since he left Korea. The technology became more modernized and the overall feel of the environment seemed fresh and friendly. It felt different, but it felt home at the same time.
After telling the cab driver his new apartment address, in which one of the reasons why he contacted Heechul the past week, he looked out of the window to watch the scenery being transpired. It almost has the same scenery with New York with tall buildings, people walking at the sidewalk going to their destinations, and children playing at the park.
But it feels right that he’s back to where he really belongs.
Arriving at his apartment’s block, Donghae thanked the cab driver, went to get his belongings and moved to get it up. Once he settled his belongings in his apartment, he took out his camera and went at the park near the complex. Photography is a hobby that he had developed for the last four years, making him appreciate the beautiful environment in every click of his camera. He began focusing on the places that captured his interest.
When he was satisfied with his shots, he sat down on a bench near him and reviewed his photos. At the corner of his eye, he saw a little boy chasing a butterfly. He then exited the gallery of his camera and focused it to the child and captured the moment when suddenly, the boy tripped. He suddenly ran to the child before the latter would cry because of the pain.
“Hey, are you okay?” Donghae asked him, worriedly, kneeling to the child so he could see the boy properly.
“Yes, I’m okay.” The boy replied, standing up from his position. He helped the boy to stand up when he saw his scratched arm. Donghae took out his handkerchief and wrapped it on the boy’s injured arm.
“Thank you, ahjussi.” The boy politely bowed and looked up to Donghae’s face. “You look familiar, ahjussi.”
Donghae looked at him in question. “Hmmm. Maybe because we kinda look alike?” He laughed, and surprisingly, he does look like the mini version of himself after all.
“LEE JENO!”
Donghae froze at the voice from behind him. He saw the boy in front of him look behind him and ran out of his hold while shouting “Umma!”
“I told you not to call me that in public! Ugh, I won’t let you play with Uncle Heechul and Uncle Sungmin anymore.”
Donghae is afraid to turn around now. Heaven knows how bad he missed that voice, how bad he wanted to see the cause of his joy and pain four years ago. But he doesn’t know when he would be ready to face him.
Hell, he must be hallucinating right at this moment.
He stood up but didn’t turn his back.
“Wait, what happened to your arm?” He heard the male from behind him ask worriedly.
“Please don’t be mad.” He heard the boy plead. “I tripped while I was chasing the butterfly.”
The child’s companion must’ve glared at him because the boy hastily explained. “But ahjussi helped me stand up and he even wrapped his handkerchief at my injury!”
Donghae took a deep breath. If not now, when?
He must’ve turned around hastily, because he heard Kyuhyun’s sharp intake of air.
Donghae forgot how to breathe. Kyuhyun is as beautiful as always, even after four years.
“Donghae..” Kyuhyun called out shakily. Donghae can see the latter’s hands trembling. He wanted to hold them and ease the younger’s nerves. But he held himself back.
“Hi, Kyuhyun.”
Donghae saw Jeno hold Kyuhyun’s hand, look at him, then to Kyuhyun. “Donghae? Umma, is he my appa?”
Donghae looked at Kyuhyun, confused. Appa? “Kyuhyun, what exactly happened four years ago?”
Kyuhyun wiped the tears on his cheeks and carried Jeno. “Let’s go home.”
Donghae strode quickly and held Kyuhyun’s arm. “I won’t let you go now, Kyuhyun. Not when you don’t explain what Jeno is talking about.”
Kyuhyun sighed. “Let me call Sungmin hyung to pick Jeno up and then we’ll talk.”
---
“Is this about me leaving?”
It turns out that that is not the reason why.
“Why didn’t you tell me about him?”
“I was afraid.”
“You were afraid?” Donghae ran his hand through his hair, astounded at Kyuhyun’s revelation. “I could’ve taken responsibility!”
“That’s what I’ve been afraid of!” Kyuhyun yelled, eyes brimming with tears. “I learned I was pregnant when you were happy about being accepted at the dance school in New York. How could’ve ruined that? I mean, imagine, how could a guy be pregnant?” Kyuhyun heaved. “I knew that once you know that I’m pregnant, you won’t think twice of leaving your aspiration behind to take care of me, of us.”
“I was afraid that when you wake up one day, you’ll regret not taking that scholarship. That you regret being with me, suffering instead of graduating in New York with flying colours.” Kyuhyun cried, looking through Donghae’s eyes with sadness.
Donghae wiped Kyuhyun’s tears with his thumb.
“Listen. If it’s you, I won’t even regret anything.” He felt Kyuhyun release more tears in his eyes, and hurriedly wiped it. “You knew that I won’t think twice leaving my ambition behind, but you clearly don’t know why I am willing to do that.” He fixed Kyuhyun’s fringe away from his eyes.
“Because I love you so much that I am more willing to suffer with you than to live in the luxury of my dreams without you in it.”
Donghae held Kyuhyun’s neck and pressed their foreheads together.
“When I first stepped on New York, my instinct told me to buy tickets back here and beg you to just accept me in your life again. But I knew you wouldn’t like that, so I was then determined to study hard, and get a decent job in order to help me forget about you.” Donghae sighed. “I did it exactly like that, but in my mind and in my heart, you are still here. So I came back, thinking that I would be able to let go once I came back to the country where it all began. But I was so wrong.”
Donghae closed his eyes and kissed Kyuhyun’s forehead.
“When I heard your voice calling Jeno, that’s when I realized that I don’t want to move on. When I saw you, I told myself that I’ve let you go once, I won’t let you go again.”
He looked at Kyuhyun straight in the eyes.
“I loved you yesterday, I love you today, and I’ll still love you tomorrow and forever.”
Kyuhyun hugged Donghae tightly and sobbed on his chest. The latter hugged him back.
“I’m sorry, Donghae. I just didn’t know what to do. I was so shocked that I acted on impulse and failed to ask for your decision.”
Donghae loosened his hold on the younger and conveyed his relief, apology, and happiness by kissing Kyuhyun. He missed the latter in his arms, and the feel of the younger’s lips on his.
“Let me make up the last four years that we’re separated.”
Kyuhyun looked up to him. “How?”
“I don’t know.” Donghae smirked. “Maybe by giving Jeno a little sister that he can take care of?”
Kyuhyun slapped Donghae’s chest. “I hate you.”
The latter grinned. “I love you too.”
If somebody gave Donghae the privilege to turn back time four years from now, he would. He would’ve knocked some sense into Kyuhyun that he doesn’t need to follow after his dreams. That he only needed the younger, and their child, by his side in order to be completely happy and satisfied with his life.
But if the breakup didn’t happen, he wouldn’t realize how really important Kyuhyun is in his life.
Even if he stayed by Kyuhyun’s side, he knows he wouldn’t be that strong and matured enough to face all the hardships a family like his might encounter.
If the breakup didn’t happen, they wouldn’t grow like the adults that they are now.
But if somebody would ask Donghae, would he regret it if he were to leave his ambitions behind for Kyuhyun?
He would’ve answered no.
For Kyuhyun, he is willing to leave his dreams and luxury behind.
Because Kyuhyun is the treasure that he can’t simply leave behind.