Chapter Text
The sun shines through Peters window as the birds chirp outside. Peter wakes up and yawns, stretching his arms to feel that Lois is not next to him. "LOIS!" he yells, "LOIS COME SCRATCH THE SPOT ON MY BACK I CAN'T REACH!" After no response he sighs and sits up, trying to scratch his back but he can't reach. He starts whining and tries to get out of bed, but falls on his face and cries like a baby.
He waddles away, tears flying off his face, and makes his way downstairs. He heads into the kitchen, where Lois turns around and sighs at the sight if him. "What the hell are you crying about now?" "You weft me and I couldn't scratch my back.." he sobs.
"Gahd, sometimes I don't know why I married you. Your such a baby, and you can't even take care of yourself!"
"Oh god here we go" stewie mutters. "Just don't say anything, pretend this is normal until you can afford therapy." Brian says not looking up from his newspaper. Brian and the children continue to eat their breakfast, not even glancing at the arguing couple.
"I'm not a baby! You're a baby!" Peter shouts followed by a really long shit sound. "Petah did you soil your diapah again." "Changies?" Peter reaches out his arms. Lois sighs and struggles to pick him up. She slowly drags her feet, grunting and carrying Peter upstairs.
-commercial break-
Peter and his friends sit at the table they usually sit at in the clam and drink their beers. "I don't know guys, sometimes lois just really gets on my nerves." "Peter, you say this every episode, just get a divorce already." Joe grunts. Peter sighs. "I don't know guys. It's not like I haven't thought of it before, but who else would want me? And what would happen to the kids?"
He lets out a loud laugh and chokes out "see what I did there? I made you guys actually think I care about the kids." After a while he calmed down and took a sip from his mug and burped. "But seriously, I don't wanna be single, it'll be high school all over again."
-cutaway to Peter as a teen, dressed like a girl walking down his high school hallways-
He passed two girls who blankly stared at him.
"Did you hear she's a virgin?" One of the girls whispered looking at peter.
"Oh please, I can tell just by looking at her." The other girl whispered and they both giggled. Peter ran into the nearest bathroom and started crying all his makeup off in front of the mirror. He stopped crying, added ten more layers of makeup, and went back to crying.
-cuts back from unfunny cutaway-
"Well you know Peter, being single's not all that bad. You get to bang anyone you want, without being devoted to just one person." Quagmire said.
"Maybe your right. It's time to start having fun again! I'm going to divorce Lois!" Peter smiled.
-commercial break-