Work Text:
An incomplete list of things that scare Jihyun:
Missing his stop on the subway.
Introducing himself to strangers.
Having no pen with him when he’s in class.
Forgetting to text his mom.
Waking up one day and no longer loving art.
Booking a doctor’s appointment.
Experiencing only a fraction of what Seoul has to offer.
Jaewon.
***
Jihyun’s heart has always been prone to running away. It tends to spook easily, starting up a wild rhythm. It thumps heavily against its cage, rattling Jihyun’s ribs with its force.
The fear isn’t easily contained, though; it spreads. His heart pumps it through his whole body, lightning-quick as it flows through his veins. It always reaches his lungs first, makes them contract painfully until he can barely breathe.
He used to get scared of himself. The situation that triggered his response faded into the background and the only thing left was his struggling body. Once he looked at himself in the mirror when his muscles were locking up tightly and his breath was going irregularly. It had to be obvious, he thought, but his reflection had only seemed slightly breathless. Maybe he was a bit paler than usual but that could have been the light.
So, at least there was that. Even if he felt like falling apart, no one would notice.
Jihyun sits in his bed in his new dorm, heart in his throat and looks at the sign-up page for the surf club. Pyo is loudly munching on chips. The rustling of the paper when he takes out another handful and the crunch of his teeth as he grinds the chips into dust is doubly grating on Jihyun’s frayed nerves.
“Hey, what do you think of going out tonight?” Pyo asks, mouth still half-full. He’s looking at Jihyun expectantly. Jihyun’s rib cage feels too small for his lungs, his blood has frozen over and he’s sure it must be obvious. His roommate only raises his eyebrows. “Come on, just once,” he needles, shooting him a big grin.
Stupid, Jihyun thinks. Of course, Pyo wouldn’t notice. That should calm him down, should slow down the speed of his heart. It doesn’t. The cursor is still hovering over the surf club's website.
If even his best friend since childhood can’t tell that he’s terrified it must be fine.
He signs up for the surf club.
***
Jaewon’s hands are always on him. Jihyun tries to keep track of them out of the corner of his eyes but then he gets distracted by something else – Jaewon smiling at him, Jaewon already looking at him when Jihyun meets his gaze, Jaewon teasing him about his country upbringing – and, suddenly, his hands are on Jihyun.
Jaewon is behind him, zipping up the wet suit and he’s not even touching his bare skin, respectfully keeping away from it, but there’s the faint pressure of his fingers at Jihyun’s back. It’s enough to send Jihyun’s heart into overdrive. For a second, he fears that Jaewon must be able to feel it even through the neoprene.
He swallows the feeling down. He isn’t even facing Jaewon, there is no way that Jaewon can tell. He stays put. He stays when Jaewon teaches him how to surf, lets his body be malleable and not flinch back whenever Jaewon touches him to show him another move. Halfway through he figures out that his body is learning, slowly, even as his heart is protesting and his lungs are a little tight, because he starts swaying towards Jaewon. Seeking out touch where before Jihyun swore the fear would have made him back away.
The waves crash over him. He can’t breathe for a moment because there is water all around him. He wonders whether this is what drowning feels like. It’s strangely quiet.
Then, he breaks through the surface, pushed upwards by the current and the thought of Jaewon waiting for him. Jaewon is already rushing towards him, a huge grin on his face.
“You okay?” he yells against the noise of the sea.
Jihyun nods, brushing his hair out of his face. His heartbeat is escalating again, a strange combination of fear and adrenaline. He doesn’t miss the quiet from underwater.
***
“Live life to the fullest”, his boss tells him and hands him a shot of Soju. Jihyun laughs and downs the alcohol. “Don’t let things scare you”, she adds. Jihyun just continues to smile at her. It’s easier than explaining that he’s already trying his best.
The thing about being scared so often is that he’s gotten very good at avoiding situations that make the fear flare up. For years, he’s been staying behind, hanging back where others threw themselves headfirst into adventure.
That’s not what he came to Seoul for. That’s not what he wants anymore.
When Jaewon looks at him, he holds his gaze.
***
Jaewon kisses him.
It's dark and there is no one around to witness it but the waves rumbling in the distance. The sand is hard underneath him, but soft when he curls a hand into it.
Jaewon kisses him.
Jihyun’s heart tries to flee, wanders up his throat even as Jaewon’s lips are still on his. They’re gentle against Jihyun’s, careful as he lets off a bit before moving in again. It’s barely more than his closed mouth brushing over Jihyun’s and still, Jihyun shivers, goosebumps littering his body as his heart is screaming at him.
Jaewon kisses him.
Jihyun swallows his heart.
***
Jihyun wants to draw Jaewon’s hands. If he can’t keep track of them, he can at least commit them to paper.
They come up when Jaewon ruffles his hair, good-naturedly laughing at something Jihyun said and Jihyun feels warm and happy.
They fix the straps of Jihyun’s backpack that he hadn’t even noticed were slipping down his shoulders. Too distracted by the way Jaewon’s eyes had turned all crinkly when Jihyun made a joke, when Jihyun could ignore his racing heart long enough to relax. See, this is fine, he tells his heart. This is good.
They appear to gently push him into the direction of a convenience store Jaewon wants to go to, solid against his shoulders as he leads from the back. It makes Jihyun laugh. They must look ridiculous. He finds that he likes it.
But, more importantly, one of Jaewon’s hands cups his cheek after Jihyun’s awful day at work, after having to run back and forth and pick up broken glass and be nice to his senior despite her treating him like she would love to erase his existence. Jaewon’s hand is a warm anchor drawing him back to the present, but Jihyun is tired. He is tired and he thought he was doing a good job of not showing it, of keeping the exhaustion off his face and his shoulders; the same way he usually keeps the fear from leaking outwards even as it coats his insides.
“I saw you working today,” Jaewon says. “I just thought I should be here for you tonight.”
Maybe Jaewon wouldn’t have noticed if he hadn’t witnessed Jihyun’s evening. Maybe he would have been none the wiser. But as it is, he noticed. And still, he keeps his hand on Jihyun’s cheek.
It makes Jihyun forget about his anxious heart. “Today was a hard day. But now that I’ve seen you … I feel better.”
Jaewon smiles, small and soft. Jihyun’s heartbeat is elevated but not unbearable.
No reason to be afraid, he assures his heart. At that, it spikes again, like it's startled out of a sudden reprieve and only now realises what it's really supposed to be doing.
Oh, Jihyun thinks. Maybe it’s not Jaewon that scares him.
***
An amended list of things that scare Jihyun:
Ruining his favourite pair of pants in the washing machine.
Finding out his favourite brand of cereal has been discontinued.
Being late to class.
Making no new friends at university.
His feelings for Jaewon.
***
Jihyun likes watching others. He doesn’t know whether that's the reason that makes him good at drawing or whether he watches others so that he can draw better. Either way, it’s a skill he’s perfected over the years. He’s used to blending into the background. People rarely take notice of him and sometimes that makes something inside of him ache, but most often he prefers it that way. He sits back and watches as the world continues to moves around him, not bothered by his refusal to take part in it.
Of course, Jaewon seems to be the exception to that, too. Whenever Jihyun wants to look at him longer, wants to dig deeper, Jaewon lifts his head and finds his eyes. He smiles or raises his eyebrows in a silent question – just interacts with Jihyun in some fashion that makes secretly studying him impossible.
It’s rare that Jihyun catches glimpses of Jaewon without being looked at in return. But whenever he does there seems to be something weighing Jaewon down.
It’s there when Jihyun introduces himself so that they can be proper friends. The street lamps barely illuminate Jaewon’s face, giving him more shadows than usual and he looks lost. But when he blinks rapidly and moves towards the light again, any notion of darkness is dispelled.
It’s there in the split second when he passes Jihyun’s and Pyo’s table at lunch, before Pyo stops him. For a moment, Jaewon’s eyes are empty, unseeing, and his mouth is pulled downward. Then, he seems to catch himself and his lips tug up into a smile, his face smoothing over into a polite but kind expression.
It’s there when Jihyun spots him in the library sitting opposite his ex-girlfriend. She is looking at her book and Jaewon has his head lowered as well. Jihyun can only make out the way Jaewon’s biting at his lip. One of his hands is clenched into a fist underneath the table. His body, which is usually all long strides and relaxed positions, is tense all over. He lifts his head and spots Jihyun. He’s coiled so tightly it must be uncomfortable.
Jihyun waves at him. He watches as Jaewon’s shoulders lose some of their tightness, easing down. It makes Jihyun wave more enthusiastically until there’s a hesitant grin on Jaewon’s face.
If Jihyun can’t figure Jaewon out in peace, he can at least try and lead him back from the dark place he sometimes seems to go to. The place where his eyes lose all their liveliness and his face becomes a stiff mask. And if Jaewon asked, well, Jihyun would also go with him if he needed company.
***
Just because he’s scared doesn’t mean that Jihyun doesn’t want. There’s a hunger thrumming beneath his skin, something greedy that wants to hook its fingers into Jaewon, pull him in close and not let go.
It’s that hunger that lets him teach Jaewon how to draw. That lets him fold his own hand over Jaewon’s and lead his pen strokes. He gets distracted by how well his hand fits over Jaewon’s, how his fingers wrap easily around Jaewon’s. The hunger feeds on it, makes him run hot despite the chilly night. Makes him want and want and want. Insatiable in a way that is new and all at once too much.
His heart screams. “I’ll go the convenience store,” Jihyun proposes and flees.
But later, as they’re walking back to the dorms, Jaewon’s so close and his hand keeps brushing against Jihyun’s, each fleeting touch like a match trying to light fire. Every time, sparks erupt before dying down again. Jihyun keeps his hand close, for once eager to play with fire.
Jaewon links their fingers together. Jihyun can’t quite swallow his smile, so he ducks his head instead. He thinks Jaewon wants to call him cute, can hear him make a sound as if he’s about to say it but then he remains silent and just squeezes Jihyun’s hand. Jihyun doesn’t let the nerves keep him from squeezing back.
He invites him up to the rooftop because the hunger is louder than his heart. He wants to be near Jaewon, wants to talk to him for longer, is willing to lose sleep over it and not care at all. His warmth is contagious, and he wants to bask in his light for longer.
When Jaewon asks him whether Jihyun has ever dated anyone, Jihyun’s heartbeat flares up again. He stumbles his way through an answer that is clearly a ‘no’ with how unsubtly he changes the topic. Still, Jaewon doesn’t seem put off. He just continues to look at Jihyun, faintly amused, but unperturbed.
He puts a hand on Jihyun’s thigh. Jihyun’s brain short-circuits.
His heart is beating so loudly that he can barely hear anything else. If he opens his mouth, it will surely fall out. Jaewon’s hand feels huge on his leg, so much more present than when Jihyun wrapped his fingers around it to guide a pen. That seems like it was ages ago. A different life time. Now, Jaewon’s hand rests on his leg and every single one of Jihyun’s nerve-endings seems to have moved there.
Jihyun tries to swallow. Jaewon’s gaze doesn’t waver.
Jihyun isn’t stupid. He might not have dated anyone before but there is nothing but careful intent in Jaewon’s eyes as he leans in slowly. He’s giving him an out, Jihyun thinks. Or maybe Jaewon’s scared himself. Whatever it is, it gives Jihyun time to gauge his own reaction.
He already can’t breathe properly, as if the air up on the rooftop were too thin to provide enough oxygen. He could stop this. He could move away, grab his beer and laugh it off, ramble about where else he wants to visit, anything that doesn’t have to do with couples.
But even as he’s terrified of what this would mean, where this could lead, he wants to kiss Jaewon.
That’s the other thing about being scared so often: Sometimes it’s enough to just sit out the fear. To acknowledge it, but trust that his heart won’t shatter his rib cage even when it’s trying so hard to flee. Sometimes it’s enough to simply hold still.
Jaewon moves closer, his eyes flitting to Jihyun’s lips. His hand grips Jihyun’s leg tighter. Time slows down and with it each one of Jihyun’s heartbeats, until they’re only distant thuds, overshadowed by Jaewon’s proximity, by the confident squeeze of his fingers on Jihyun’s thigh. Their faces are only inches apart. Jihyun thinks that if someone were to strike a match in the space between them, the air would catch fire immediately.
It doesn’t happen.
They get interrupted and Jihyun’s heart is shocked into action again, fluttering about, all nervous and jittery.
But Jihyun continues to feel Jaewon’s eyes on him, meets them as often as possible and thinks, Maybe not now, but this will happen. I will be close to you.
At that, his heart finally settles.
***
A new entry in the list of things that scare Jihyun:
Being apart from Jaewon.