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"Are you guys nervous?"
Luda was unable to process the question that was being asked by Hyunjung, who tried to engage in conversation. It was all background noise to her, and no matter what anyone tried to say, she couldn't formulate a response.
Hyunjung's question was followed with complete silence, and Luda knew, in that moment, that none of the members could either.
Even in the background now, Luda couldn't hear a thing. Just the sound of her heartbeat, and possibly, the sound of everyone else's.
One by one, starting in ten minutes, they were expected to do what they'd all dreaded the most since the day that they debuted.
Luda never thought that it would come so soon. Never thought that seven years could be so long and memorable while simultaneously passing in the blink of an eye. She wasn't ready to make a decision. She wasn't ready to sit in a room for hours, face to face with staff that would do everything to convince her to stay while striking down personal liberties as easily as a bowling ball would its pins.
She didn't know what the other girls would do, despite having talked about it so many times in the past months. Uncertainty was never acceptable for Luda, though, and with that reason came speculation. Her first target was Sojung.
Sojung had to stay, right? The leader of the group, the one with the most authority, the building block of WJSN. She'd have no other thought in her mind than re-signing and keeping the group together, wouldn't she?
But it wasn't that simple, Luda remembered, and she cursed herself internally for thinking it was even for a second. Sojung was with them when none of them were allowed phones. She was with them when they were scolded by the company for dieting reasons, or for slipping up about the fake birthdays, or for saying something that they shouldn't have. It was likely Sojung suffered even more than they did — likely she faced the repercussions for every wrongdoing that Starship could pick out in their careers.
Luda's eyes wandered over to their leader, who seemed to be more nervous than all of them. Sojung sat with her head turned down to the floor, eyes sealed shut as though she was trying to dream the situation away. Jiyeon held her hand, and Sojung held hers even tighter. Luda could tell by the way her knuckles turned white, and the way her hand shook from exerting all the force it did.
Hyunjung was with Soobin, as expected. Despite how close they'd always been, though, Luda had never seen them as close as they were now, wrapped in each other's embrace like their lives depended on it. Did they even know what they were going to do? Would they sign together and remain in the group to continue making music and performing? Or would they leave together, running away to do that elsewhere and be more free?
Luda had no clue.
Juyeon was crying, and so was Yeoreum, though the latter was more silent about it than the former was. Yeoreum's tears flowed with uncertainty, while Juyeon's poured like a rainstorm that acknowledged already just how bad the aftermath would be. They, too, held hands, though it was clear that comfort was too far in the distance for either of them to grasp it.
But did they cry because they wanted to leave? Or because they were scared that others would?
Again, Luda had no clue.
Dayoung and Yeonjung contrasted one another greatly. The blonde was wearing a smile, though her eyes didn't reflect it, and Yeonjung had a natural frown on her lips that couldn't be wiped away despite optimism in the form of a person standing right beside her. Their expressions, though clearly representing what they felt, were still unreadable.
Was Dayoung smiling because she was hopeful? Because she knew she'd re-sign the contract and that others would do the same? Or was she smiling because she didn't want anyone to worry? Smiling because she didn't want to worry?
And did Yeonjung, who'd cried so much at the concert, frown because it was her goodbye to WJSN? Or because she feared that it would be WJSN's goodbye to her?
Luda didn't know. She didn't know anything about any of the members for certain, and it haunted her. She was, without a doubt, terrified.
The door to their meeting room opened, and Luda's fear spiked at the thought of having to start the discussions so soon. There's no way she let ten minutes fly by so easily, was there? Her heart was racing out of her chest, and though she thought it would ease when she realized it was not their staff at the door, it did quite the opposite.
She was on her feet almost immediately.
"Dawonie..." her voice ruptured the silence. In that moment, all the girls seemed to break free from their thoughts to acknowledge Dawon's presence.
"Hey," Dawon spoke breathlessly, like she'd run all the way there. She didn't look like it, Luda thought, but with Dawon's athleticism, the lack of visible exhaustion after racing to the meeting didn't seem too far-fetched. "I'm sorry I'm late, are we starting soon?"
It was silent again.
Luda's eyes didn't stray away from Dawon for a second, even as the taller woman scanned the room, seeming to hope for a response. When she gathered everyone's condition, she came to realize she wouldn't get one, and Luda saw that when Dawon turned back to her with a tight-lipped smile.
"I wouldn't take it personally," Luda said, barely above a whisper. "I don't think anyone knows what to say right now."
"Right," Dawon nodded, clearing her throat, and putting her hands in her pockets awkwardly.
For somebody who was used to reading the room on most occasions, Dawon was failing miserably. She'd likely been decided about this day for a while, so it wasn't as unpredictable for her as it was for everyone else, but still, her sympathy prevailed over her rationale, and she winced upon hearing even the slightest sniffle in the room.
She did just as Luda had done before.
Her eyes went to Sojung first, who still hadn't looked up from the ground, and still hadn't let go of Jiyeon's hand. In fact, it seemed as though she held it even tighter now that it was all ten of them in the room, knowing that it likely wouldn't be ten of them when they left.
It was then that Dawon looked like she'd run as much as she did on the way in. It was then that her breathing was really uneven, to the point that made it noticeable, and her hands began to shake even if all she did was stand in place.
Dawon didn't become a mess after doing a workout, like running all the way to the meeting room. She was used to it. It was a routine, a daily task —something she'd grown accustomed to doing in her free time and could perform with little to no consequences. She was used to it.
But no matter how many times someone cried, especially someone she loved, Dawon would never be able to get used to that pain.
Luda knew doubt as she saw it surface on Dawon's face, and with that information, she finally moved from where she stood. She moved until she was outside of the room, taking Dawon with her as far as they could possibly go without straying away from the Starship building.
Anger overwhelmed Luda as she dragged Dawon, especially as she recalled the events leading to the day they'd finally reached. She knew it was unfair, but she couldn't help it. Ever since she'd asked Dawon to leave the group, she'd cried every night at the sole thought of losing her, and she didn't want those tears to go to waste. Not when they were for Dawon's happiness.
"You do not get to do this to yourself," Luda was livid, shoving Dawon with the knowledge that the taller one wouldn't move an inch — she didn't have the strength to do that. "You do not get to be doubtful today."
Her eyes burned into Dawon's, that looked back in shock at her reaction.
It was their first conversation since the night of the dinner, and needless to say, Dawon didn't expect to have it this way.
"I'm not being doubtful, Luda."
"You were suffocating in there!" Luda raised her voice, quickly dismissing Dawon's argument. "That's what you do. You feel bad and you change your mind every single time. Do you think I cried to you like a baby for you to choose everyone over yourself yet again?"
Dawon was rendered speechless — unable to form a response to Luda's claim — which they both knew held truth, to some degree. She was against the wall now, but she'd let herself get backed up into it, which only reflected her inability to stand up or make decisions for herself.
"I know you, remember?"
There were tears in Luda's eyes, but she didn't know if they stemmed from her anger, or the way her heart shattered in her chest thinking that Dawon felt as guilty as she did — so guilty, in fact, that she appeared to have genuinely doubted her decision, even just for a second.
But Dawon didn't budge, like Luda expected her to. She didn't admit anything, but instead, brought forth a question that Luda never considered.
"What about you, then?"
Luda paused and took a step back.
"What were you doing in that room before I got there, Luda?" Dawon challenged, taking a step forward to match the smaller girl. "Were you suffocating too? Doubting too?"
Dawon was towering over Luda now, though she was much kinder with her approach, her voice remaining calm all throughout.
"What are you doing with the contract? Have you made up your mind on your own accord?" Dawon pressed even further. "Because, with all due respect, the one who keeps choosing someone over herself is you."
From then on, it was silent.
Luda was often a quiet individual, in fact, she was known for that, but she and silence rarely met one another when it came to argumentation. She knew what to say regarding every matter, she was a natural at rebuttals, at piecing evidence together until she made a point that couldn't be disproven. She always won, and the people who knew her had taken it, at face value, as a fact.
But Luda couldn't argue with Dawon.
She never could, in reality, Dawon was the one thing, the one person she didn't dare argue with even when she had the facts. But this time she didn't have them. That, in itself, was a notable discovery Dawon made, and a discovery she imposed upon Luda by force.
Luda hadn't once sat down and thought about her future, or what she wanted regarding WJSN or Starship Entertainment. She had in the past, maybe, but those memories were so distant and foggy that she'd blurred them out somewhere down the line. She'd been so concerned with Dawon and her mistreatment to ever think — truly think — about her own.
"You asked me if I had any regrets that night," Dawon said, hand grazing Luda's. "But what about you? Do you?"
Dawon's eyes searched Luda's, looking for an answer that she knew hadn't yet been considered. Luda was an open book to Dawon, as much as she tried not to be, and at her hand, she had no choice but to crumble. No choice but to be honest, and to share her honesty like her feelings belonged to Dawon, and in some way, they did. It proved to be the reason Dawon understood them better than she ever could.
"Dawonie...I don't-"
"Luda unnie!"
Yeoreum's voice captured both Luda and Dawon's attention, shattering the capsule they'd found themselves in to isolate from the rest of the world.
"It's you now, it's your turn," her voice was shaking.
Initially, Luda would've leapt at the opportunity to ask if she knew what the other girls chose to do, but following her conversation with Dawon, she elected not to. Her heart was already threatening to escape her chest.
She nodded to Yeoreum, who held her arm, and looked at her with wide eyes.
"I'll be right there."
Her gaze then returned to Dawon, who gave her a supportive look, and rambled desperately.
"Think about yourself, Luda, okay? Really think about it: your happiness, your regrets, everything. Don't take any less than what you deserve..."
On a normal occasion, Luda would've shut Dawon up by saying that she was too kind, or that she was next, and also needed to worry about herself. But it wasn't a normal occasion, and they both knew that.
So Luda kissed her.
Seven years of love, want, pain, frustration, and everything between the lines — all squeezed into a single, short-lived kiss that she didn't even give Dawon time to fully reciprocate.
"I'll see you when it's all over."
She walked away from Dawon, who was rendered speechless, and unable to move.
Yeoreum didn't say a word, either.
;;
In front of Luda, there was a piece of paper and a pen.
The pen, in particular, caught her attention. It was clearly an old pen, it seemed even older than she was, and Luda wondered many things about it. Did it even work?
It had to. It was the same pen that Sojung, Hyunjung, Jiyeon, and Soobin used before her, wasn't it? Did they use it?
There were a lot of questions Luda sought the answer to, but none which she could genuinely solve. She'd been there for hours already, listening to changes in her contract, to offers that she wasn't sure outweighed all the bad that came with signing away years of her life.
The kiss she shared with Dawon lingered. She felt it on her lips, and all over her body. She felt it in her chest as much as she did in her head, and that alone solidified how much she loved Dawon — how much she was in love with Dawon.
Dawon's words lingered, too, and Luda hadn't let them go since she heard them.
Unlike Dawon, Luda concluded she did have regrets. She had too many, in fact, it was all she could think about as she reflected on her time in the company. Mistreatment never fell short for her, and it didn't for anyone else, either, and it was something she couldn't ignore. There were never any opportunities provided for her, nor were there defenses established when she needed them, and there weren't any present in her new contract, from what she understood.
She regretted Starship Entertainment.
She'd met her best friends there, of which included the love of her life, and yet, it was the biggest regret of her career. If it was up to her, she'd take the entire group with her and have them run elsewhere, but she knew it wasn't that easy, and it made her wonder, really wonder how it would be if she picked up the pen that sat in front of her.
Starship couldn't even give them a good pen?
She let a dry laugh escape her lips, shaking her head at the thought as she looked at the deteriorating tool. Maybe Sojung and Hyunjung didn’t give it much attention, but if this was the same pen provided for Jiyeon and Soobin, there's no way they let it slide, was there?
Luda began to think of the possibilities.
Jiyeon might've just asked for another pen, she thought, because even if it wasn't for music, Jiyeon had a future with the King Kong subsidiary of Starship. There's no way she'd give that up, realistically speaking, and Luda knew that Jiyeon's intelligence was her strong suit, so she wouldn't fail to see that. She re-signed.
Soobin was probably angry with the pen too, her mansion-like home likely had an abundance of beautiful pens of which she could've offered instead. As Luda remembered Soobin's home, though, the confirmation came to her in an instant. Soobin didn't need the career like the rest of them did, she never had. She joined due to her love for music, and didn't look beyond that, so, in reality, there was no reason for her to look past it now. Soobin re-signed too.
Sojung and Hyunjung didn't mind the pen. They were in Starship to be able to make music, and given their time in the industry, staying with Starship was probably their best bet to continue doing so. They hadn't thought of the pen at all, but rather their names that they signed on the paper.
With her deduction, Luda sat now with a piece of paper, a shitty pen, and the knowledge that everyone before her was staying. She couldn’t even consider the younger members that followed her and what they would do, as she was positive the additional speculation would kill her.
Her heart was threatening to beat out of her chest, and she'd become more uneasy at the thought of having to make a decision given everything she knew.
Before Luda talked to her, Dawon was willing to stay in the company for everyone else despite her own unhappiness. Luda loved Dawon, she did, but she deemed her an idiot, a wonderful idiot for being that way. For succumbing to a decision for the sake of everyone else.
Yet, Luda now sat in the room, considering the same option.
If everyone else re-signed, and she didn't, who would that make her? Would the girls, even if not capable of admitting it, secretly resent her? She couldn't live with the thought of it.
But what if she stayed? She'd just have to suffer all over again for willingly making the same mistake?
Luda was different to Sojung and Hyunjung. She did mind the pen. She was different to Soobin too, in that she did need a career, she wasn't just there for her friends, nor for the music. She was different to Jiyeon. Her best bet wasn't Starship, and she had no reason to have to ask for a new pen. She didn't want to.
Luda was also similar to Sojung and Hyunjung, though. She loved making music and performing with the girls, she always had. She was similar to Soobin, in that she often times had so much fun in her career that she didn't feel the need to look past that. She was similar to Jiyeon. She didn't fail to see the reality of her situation. She was intelligent.
It was the one thing, above the rest, in which Luda excelled.
So Luda chose with it. She chose with her head.
She chose, and she walked out of the room without looking back, even as she was called for — both by the company staff, and by the girls who watched her leave. She hadn't realized it, but she was rushing down the hallway where she and Dawon talked, and it was only when she made it outside that she let out a sob that she'd been holding in for what felt like forever.
She sobbed like a child, though she couldn't pinpoint it on one feeling. It was all of them, at once, consuming every fiber of her being until there was nothing left of her but emotion.
It was nighttime now, and with that, Luda came to the conclusion that the day she dreaded most was over.
She'd made her choice, and from then on, she'd move forward, whether she was by herself or not.
Thankfully for Luda, though, Dawon was different than she was.
Dawon chose with her heart.
"Luda!" Dawon was breathless, and this time, she looked it, especially with the tears that surfaced in her eyes. "Luda, are you okay? How'd it go?"
Luda felt the concern oozing from Dawon's voice, the taller one's hand reaching out to cup her tear-stained cheek.
"They couldn't even give us a good pen at the end of it all..."
Dawon's features were soft as Luda mumbled the complaint about Starship, a loving smile making its way onto her face.
"What else do you expect from this shitty company?"
Luda pouted, but she agreed wholeheartedly, so she made no effort to answer Dawon's question. Instead, she wrapped her arms around the taller one's torso, hiding away in the comfort of her neck.
"I didn't re-sign," Dawon admitted, her voice barely above a whisper.
"I know," Luda said, softly. "Thank you...for choosing yourself. I know that's hard for you, Dawonie..."
"You made it easier," Dawon spoke into Luda's hair. "I owe you all my thanks."
Luda took a deep breath, separating enough from her embrace with Dawon to look into her eyes.
"You liked being my roommate, didn't you?"
Dawon wasn't sure what to think of the question — confusion and sympathy etched into her features as though to consider either outcome on Luda's part. Still, regardless of her emotion, her answer was the same. She held Luda's face again, and her voice was gentle with every word she spoke.
"Of course I did, baby."
Luda hated feeling weak, but given the circumstances, the way she'd made such a difficult decision, the way Dawon called her baby — she had no choice but to let tears surface in her eyes once more.
"Would you sign up for the position again?" Luda's voice broke, but she didn't seem to care about being emotional with Dawon, not anymore. It was natural, and only a confirmation that her feelings were also Dawon's, which they'd both accepted without complaints.
"Just roommates?" Dawon's lips curled into a charming, yet tender smile.
Luda rolled her eyes at the light teasing, but she expected nothing less from Dawon. She knew what the answer meant anyway, and it was the answer she needed, above all, to confirm that she could continue what she'd done earlier.
She captured Dawon's lips with her own, but this time, she had no plans to walk away. Her arms wrapped around Dawon's neck, while the woman's hands found home in the small of Luda's back, pulling her closer, like she wasn't willing to let her go.
They kissed as long as their breath allowed them to, and even beyond that. They kissed through tears, pain, happiness, love. Through everything. They'd gone through it with each other anyway, and they figured they owed themselves the luxury of really giving their all to one another, of catching up after seven years.
Luda and Dawon escaped together.
That's the way it was presented, at least, the two of them holding hands as they left Starship Entertainment, running away to be better — both for themselves and their lives and for each other.
Dawon even joked about eloping only a week after they'd found themselves together in her apartment, and after sleeping with Dawon for the first time, Luda considered saying yes on the spot. Her lover never formally asked, though, they still had quite some time to go, and she accepted that fact begrudgingly.
The girls weren't mad at them, either. In fact, they seemed to expect Luda's exit as much as they expected Dawon's, with most of the prediction coming from Jiyeon, who claimed to be similar enough to Luda to know. They discussed it together at the dinner they'd planned, just like they discussed their future and all of the possibilities in store.
Luda and Dawon sat together, hand in hand as they laughed and conversed with the girls, and with the experience, they all came to realize that nothing had changed. It could never change.
In the end, there were only eight of them in Starship Entertainment.
But for what was left of their story, as they posed for a picture in front of the mirror, laughing like idiots...
All ten of them stood.