Work Text:
I started drinking coffee, so my teeth aren't perfectly white
'Cause you used to say that you liked white teeth, right?
And a smile, it's the first thing you'd notice about a girl you'd adore
Well, I think it's good you won't notice me first anymore
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Arisu didn’t know when his infatuation had started. No official document informed him about the situation, nor were there any signs to warn him from catching feelings. He wished he had known sooner so he could prevent it and avoided getting hurt. No one told him that being enamored with someone could feel this nauseating but then again, how could anyone be aware of what was about to happen?
Arisu was a fool.
A fool with a weak heart.
A heart that loved intensely.
And that intensity devoured him whole.
Most of the time, Arisu felt like a shell of the person he once was, putting on a brave face and powering through his day. His happiness was a farce, beautifully disguised but so easy to see through when someone looked close enough. His mask was as fragile as his heart, ready to break at any given moment if the momentum was sufficiently precise. He was afraid he would crumble in front of his friends, showing them how pathetic and unstable he truly was.
Would they call him crazy?
Would they tell him he’s overthinking it?
Would they laugh at how weird he was being?
He suspected Karube had an inkling of what was going on. Sometimes, when Arisu was being too touchy or friendly, his friend would tense up and avoid him for a few minutes or a few days; it varied and he never knew what was about to come. Arisu didn’t understand the sudden coldness at first, but it became clear over time. He decided to put some distance between them so his friend wouldn’t feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable with his presence. Karube never asked him about the sudden change, nor he tried to close the gap between them; if anything, he seemed relieved and Arisu could feel his heart rot with the loathsome affection.
He only showed up at their friend group’s meetings when he was sure Karube wouldn’t be there. No one questioned his behavior or connected the dots, concluding Arisu was busy with his university life. He almost wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the assumption, given how he had attended every meeting before the realization of his feelings hit him. No one thought it was weird of him to stop participating in their group chat, occasionally reacting with an emoji to someone’s message.
There was this girl in their friend group. She was an absolute sweetheart and a kind person, on top of that gorgeous and intelligent. She and Karube got along incredibly well. They were always vibing even when alone and having interesting conversations when no one was there to listen or interrupt them. They seemed to understand each other and even when Karube seemed grumpy, he was attentive and kind to her. He couldn’t see Arisu’s eyes which betrayed his true feelings because he was focused only on the girl, no one else.
He wanted to blame the girl or be angry at her, but it wasn’t her fault. Arisu actually enjoyed her company and realized she would be good for Karube, supporting him every step of the way. Sometimes, he would stop participating in the conversation so they could spend some time together; she often asked him to stay but Karube said nothing, just raising his brow in confusion. Arisu would smile and make up an excuse, leaving them be.
Their chemistry was significant, they flirted constantly and Karube was having fun when she was in the room. Arisu could never be that for him, at least not after his friend had his suspicions about his feelings.
It was fine. It would pass.
...
It didn’t pass.
The pain was excruciating.
He wanted to rip his heart out and drown it in poison so he could never feel again; stab his lungs so they would be reminded not to make him breathless every time Karube talked directly to him; to make his brain stop it all.
When he was drowning, people saved him by reaching out their hand, sometimes they didn’t do anything letting him go under, and sometimes they would hand him a knife to hold on to. He started to categorize relationships accordingly - healthy, neutral or beneficial, toxic.
Karube always saved him, but these days he would hand him a knife and watch Arisu bleed while drowning in his own misery. He wanted to swim but his legs betrayed him a long time ago, leaving him to die alone. He was used to it, after all. He could never be loved.
So one day, Arisu made a decision to continue studying abroad which his father greatly supported. Before he knew it, everything was being put in place and organized so he could move out as fast as it was possible.
He called Karube.
No answer.
He called the second time.
No answer.
After the 15th call, Arisu gave up.
After a few hours, his phone started vibrating and the screen showed the caller’s ID.
It was Karube.
Arisu felt hopeful for the first time in a long time since his infatuation had started. With shaky hands, he answered the call but it turned out to be horribly awkward. He asked if they could meet up but Karube told him he was busy. He understood and said goodbye, his friend ending the call before Arisu could add anything else.
He told his father not to tell anyone where he was or what he was doing, nor give out his contact information. The man nodded in understanding, visibly confused but fortunately not asking any questions.
Arisu was gone the next day.
And Karube never tried to contact him after his departure.
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I stopped asking questions 'cause I never thought I heard the truth
Turns out the truth hurts less than the lies and I don't wanna choose
If it's you or me for a change of pace, I'll choose me every time
Baby, I want my requited love without you, I'll be just fine
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"Coffee Stained Smile" by Delaney Bailey