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It was hard to keep his heart from racing every rehearsal.
The thing was… it had been going on for years.
Tamamori knew things weren’t going to end well for him and his heart when it was announced that he and Miyata were doing a unit song together for their album.
Sure, they had done a few songs together, but with other members. This was the first time that it would just be the two of them. After the meeting, Tamamori internally shrugged, praying that his heart wouldn’t explode in his chest, both from shock and whatever the feeling was whenever he was close to Miyata. At that moment, the man himself approached him with his usual big smile on his face.
"Tama, let's work hard!"
"Looking forward to working with you," he replied, his brain still buffering from what was going on around him.
“Are you okay?” Miyata asked. “You don’t look well.”
“It’s nothing,” Tamamori lied. He put on a big act of taking a big gulp of water, which he choked on.
“Sorry,” he wheezed. “Went down the wrong pipe.” He coughed violently and Miyata hit his back gently to get it to stop.
“Thanks,” Tamamori said. Miyata laughed, his voice echoing around the now-empty room.
On the way home, Tamamori trudged through the crowd, walking back to his place. It felt as if he were dragging his bag with him, head empty, just his thoughts revolving about what had happened earlier. Was this some kind of joke? He clutched his chest as he stumbled on the way home. Why was Miyata occupying all of his thoughts? Why was his heart beating faster? He unlocked his door and went in, dropping his bag on the couch. It was time for a bath to relax a little.
Rehearsals were not going the way Tamamori thought they would. It meant spending a lot of time with Miyata as they learned the song and practiced the choreography that they would be doing for their tours. Every time he glanced at his partner, he wanted to wipe the smile off his face with a kiss. He shook his head at the thought, knowing that it would cause him to frown always, which was not like him, or smile even more. Tamamori always hoped for the latter one but never really wished for it.
"Come on, it’s just a stage,” he told himself repeatedly. “It’s just a performance. After this, you can go back to your daily, normal life.”
“Tamamori, please focus!” The choreographer said in front of him.
“I’m sorry!” He felt like he was snapped back into reality… reality that Miyata and he were going to get married on stage, then sing a love song together during their concert.
The weeks flew by and it was time for the dress rehearsals in the actual venues they were performing at. In the dressing room, the other members were doing their own things while Tamamori sat quietly alone. He ran his hands repeatedly through his hair before ruffling it to a mess. He knew he’d have to fix that hair soon, they could’ve been called any moment then. He picked up a comb and the flat iron and began to fix his hair. He worked in silence, ignoring his group mates’ bantering around him. He felt as if his nervousness was going to eat him up from the inside. His thoughts seemed as if they were running around his head, literally.
“Tama, are you okay?” He felt a pair of arms slide down from his shoulders and link across his chest.
“Hm?” He turned his head and found himself staring at Miyata’s face at such a close distance.
“Are you okay?” Miyata asked again. “I know you usually space out but I know that you have a lot on your head too.”
“Ah.” He really did see right through him. “I was just thinking of what to eat after the concert.”
“Hmm… you are right,” Miyata replied. “We’d be hungry after the concert. Do you want to go get food with me then?”
“No, it’s okay.” Tamamori said as he began to apply wax to his hair. “Shouldn’t we go and prepare for the concert? It’s starting in a while.”
Miyata nodded. “Okay then! I’ll just go to the toilet quickly.”
It was time for their performance and the moment Miyata knelt down to say the words that he had said a hundred times during their rehearsals, Tamamori felt butterflies in his stomach. He couldn't contain his smile when he nodded his head.
A part of the song contained the words he had been wanting to tell Miyata for the longest time but he couldn’t. When it came up, Tamamori mentally prepared himself to say them.
“Dai suki dayo.” He said with his entire being. It seemed, to Miyata, that it was just a lyric in their song together. But to Tamamori, every emotion, every fiber of his being were put in them the moment the words left his mouth.
He knew that there would be a few more times when he’d be in a unit with Miyata together again and that he’d have to endure this emotional strain on his heart.
He wasn’t wrong.
Nothing ever felt the same for him after that tour. It wasn’t until a few years later that they had another unit song together. The “story” left off from where they were in the previous song… except Tamamori was dead.
The man himself wasn’t dead, though. During the meeting, Miyata seemed genuinely sad when the staff announced the theme of their unit song.
“He’s what?” He asked as disbelief, shock, and sadness washed over his face all at once.
“I’m not dead dead, Miyacchi.” He scoffed, twirling a pen in his hand.
“But… but…”
“Shh,” Tamamori whispered. Underneath the table, he grabbed Miyata’s hand and squeezed it. Miyata looked at him but pretended as if he didn’t notice. A small smile formed around the edges of Tamamori’s eyes.
Moments like these weren’t rare but it was enough for Miyata to jump in his seat a little and for Tamamori’s heart to race just like the first time. It was more common for Miyata to make a move, wrapping his arms around Tamamori’s waist if he seemed a little upset, endlessly teasing him both on and off the camera, even attempting to kiss him several times. Secretly, Tamamori enjoyed it but still kept his tsundere facade on, especially if there were others around. There were times he wanted to move things but didn’t want to break out of his character as well. He secretly enjoyed every moment he was with Miyata and wanted to always be in his arms, wanted to feel his touch, even wanted to kiss him seriously, not like in the joking way the other did.
He would “always” be in his arms, especially after their tour kicked off. Their performance ended with Miyata hugging Tamamori but Tamamori always “disappeared” after the lights dimmed.
Tamamori seriously wished it wasn’t like that. Every time he ran out to the back of the stage, he had to sit for a few seconds to let himself calm down before heading to change for the next songs. In those moments, a part of him wanted to run back onstage and hug him again, tell him how he would never disappear ever again, just like the other kind of him, and that he would always be right next to him. But it was too late. The lights had turned on again.
During those years, Tamamori still felt the same way towards Miyata, except that he would subconsciously hint at his attraction to him. He longed for the older boy to love him back the same way he did. He wanted to spend a lot of time with him, just the both of them. If you told the then-15-year-old Tamamori that he’d be falling for Miyata, he would’ve hit them. But now, in his twenties, he would’ve shrugged it off and added the most random words to pair with it.
Tamamori’s train of thought broke when he felt something cold pressed against his cheek. Miyata was offering a bottle of water to him.
“Thank you.” He took the bottle and Miyata settled on the seat next to him.
"No problem," the other person replied with his unerasable smile on his face.
Tamamori chugged the bottle in one go, leaving his companion a little surprised. He let out a deep sigh as he closed the bottle and placed it on the table. He turned to Miyata.
"Thank you, Miyacchi," he said. "That really helped a lot."
"Don't mention it," Miyata whispered gently. It made his cheeks heat up a little.
The next year went by a little uneventfully, with regard to Miyata. Tamamori distracted himself from his feelings with his drama filming while Miyata was busy with his stage plays. Tamamori thought the story would stop with his death, but he was wrong.
"You'll be a vampire."
"What?"
"That's kind of the approach we were going for," the staff member explained. Tamamori rubbed his temples as he tried his best to listen to the staff about the new concept of their new unit song. He didn't know what to say anymore and just pretended to nod in understanding.
After what seemed like forever, the meeting finally ended. Tamamori remained in his chair, head in hands, as many thoughts and emotions rushed over him.
"Tama?" A voice from behind asked and he looked up. Miyata had a concerned look on his face, which was replaced by shock the moment Tamamori stood up and buried his face in the older boy's shoulder.
"What's wrong?" Miyata asked as the younger boy wrapped his arms tightly around his body.
"Nffng," his muffled voice came out. He continued to hug him tighter, even more the moment Miyata hugged back.
"Ff," Tamamori said.
"Hm? What do you mean, Tama?" Miyata asked as he stroked Tamamori's hair.
"Nothing," he mumbled as he lifted his head. He settled his head on Miyata's shoulder for a little longer. His heart was going a hundred a minute, he hoped the other person wouldn’t hear or feel it.
"I'll get going now, I still have other jobs,” Tamamori said as he stepped back. "Thank you, Miyacchi."
"If you need anything, I'm always here." Tamamori nodded, not knowing what to reply to that.
Rehearsals had begun as Tamamori tried to ignore the hammering inside his chest that happened in every rehearsal, not just with the both of them but with the rest of the group too. Miyata seemed more affectionate and touchy than before. It didn't make Tamamori uncomfortable but something about it made him want it a little more than when he had first fallen. He would end up seeking opportunities where he'd be able to be as close to Miyata as he could, physically. This was like randomly hugging him, putting his head on his shoulders or standing so close to him that their shoulders touched. During breaks, they would lie down on each other on the floor or couch and close their eyes for a bit.
When it was time to practice their unit song, there was a part where Tamamori had to bite Miyata's neck. It was embarrassing for him but it was all part of the performance. The first time they tried it during the rehearsal, Miyata slid out of Tamamori's arms, giggling.
"Your breath tickles," Miyata laughed as he got up from the floor.
"Sorry," Tamamori mumbled.
"It's fine," Miyata replied. "Should we try again?"
This time, the concert was a live stream. There was going to be no audience, no cheering, no uchiwas. The staff did set up lightpens in every seat which changed color automatically when needed.
"Doing a last-minute check on the costumes?" Miyata had entered the room with food in it to grab a quick snack and drink before the live stream began.
"Yup," Tamamori nodded.
"Ganbare," Miyata smiled as he hugged him with his free arm and left the room, most likely to catch up on some anime while snacking.
It was the last day of the live-streamed performances and Tamamori felt a little more anxious than the previous day. Everything was going well but he was sick and tired of masking his feelings for the past god knows how many years. He thought he would be saying it all before the day was over.
It was their time to perform together and towards the end of their exchange during the song, Tamamori had to bring Miyata inside the coffin where they would be together forever. It wasn't just normal walking though, Miyata's arm was swung around the taller boy, who then pulled his unconscious partner into the coffin. This wasn't the first time it had happened, they had done it for a drama before after all. But this was the first time onstage.
They did all that as they sang and danced. Once inside the coffin, Tamamori grabbed Miyata's chin and stared at his lips. He leaned a little closer as the song ended, his heart beating a million times per second.
"It's just a stage, Yuta," he repeated in his head. "It's just a stage."
He leaned just a little closer and brushed his lips onto Miyata’s skin, next to his lips. The lights dimmed, Miyata turned his head and connected their lips. Tamamori's eyes widened at first, then closed. He exhaled in their kiss, letting out a sigh of relief as he placed his hand on Miyata's cheek. His mind felt empty, as if the kiss had cleared all of his doubts that he had been holding in. His chest felt swelled with whatever emotion he was feeling. He felt warm and fuzzy inside, unable to explain in words.
The coffin was lowered and Tamamori rushed out right away, needing to change for his next unit song. Miyata stayed behind, slowly lifting his fingers to his lips as he walked to the changing area. There was no time to talk about it now in the middle of the concert but maybe when they had time afterward.
"Miyacchi," Tamamori called for his attention before they went up for the encore.
"Hm, what?" He looked up from putting on his shoes.
"Let's talk after the concert," he lowered his voice so that the other members would not overhear.
"Okay," Miyata figured it had something to do with the kiss from earlier. He sighed and continued to put his shoes on.
The concert was over and the members had already left the venue. Only Miyata and Tamamori remained. They were waiting for each other to finish packing as the staff members cleaned up and put down the equipment they had used.
"Let's go?" Miyata asked as he swung his bag over his shoulder. Tamamori nodded and they asked to be brought to a small restaurant in a more private area in Tokyo. They got off the van, thanking the driver staff and it sped off into the distance.
They got settled in their seats opposite each other and a slightly awkward silence engulfed them. None of them wanted to speak first.
"Miyacchi—"
"Tama—" They spoke up at the same time.
"You go first," Tamamori said.
"No, you." Miyata insisted. Tamamori shook his head, there was no refusing Miyata.
"So... what now?" He looked up from fiddling with a button on his jacket.
"What do you mean?"
"Don't act clueless, Miyata." He emphasized his name. "You were the one that kissed me earlier, during the concert. What now that you kissed me? Are you going to be playing it off as some joke, some 'inside' joke we'll be having for years?"
"Tama—"
"Was it just because my face was so close to yours that way that you decided to just randomly do it? What now?” Tamamori didn't know what words were coming out of his mouth. They didn't make sense to him anymore.
"Tama, listen." Miyata pleaded. Tamamori looked at him, his eyes filled with a mix of anger, curiosity, and anxiety, with tears brimming them.
"Calm down, please." Miyata's words became softer. "Listen to me, please, Yuta." He took a deep breath and calmly tried to collect himself.
"You said 'Was it just because my face was so close to yours that way that you decided to just randomly do it?', right? My answer is both yes and no. Not really because in the heat of the moment. I've been wanting to kiss you like that for so long, it felt just right. For 'what now', that's up to you to decide."
"So you like me?" Tamamori asked.
"Maybe," There was a hint of playfulness in Miyata's eyes. "What about you?"
"Me...?" Tamamori slumped in his seat. "I... I've been feeling this way for the longest time. Every time we spend time together like this, my heart beats so quickly yet I feel so warm inside with your presence. Every time you hugged me or tickled me or whatever, I didn't want to let go. I wanted to kiss you so bad too," he paused, trying to think of what else, how else to explain how he felt. "I'm trying to find the right words to sa—"
"It's okay," Miyata replied. "I know what you're trying to tell me. I could notice."
"What?"
"I could notice how much you wanted to be with me. I was just waiting for how long you would wait until you told me, how long it would take."
"I'm sorry it took so long." Tamamori hung his head.
"Don't say sorry," Miyata smiled. "I'm glad you were able to tell me. So, what are we now?"
"Us?"
"Yeah... what kind of relationship do we have now?" Tamamori stood up and sat next to Miyata. He grabbed his hand under the table and laced his fingers.
"Maybe something like that?" He asked, referring to their linked hands.
"What do you mean?" The older asked with a mischievous smile on his lips.
"Do you really want me to ask?" he grumbled. "Fine. Miyata Toshiya, please go out with me."
"Yes." Miyata's eyes lit up as he wrapped Tamamori in his arms. Tamamori hugged back and soon their food arrived.
The pair walked down the street, hand in hand, from the train station to Tamamori's house.
"Was it tiring?" Miyata asked offhandedly.
"Tiring what?" Tamamori asked. "The concert?"
"For you to keep liking me without saying it... or maybe the concert too."
"Yes, definitely." He nodded. "But it was all worth it."
"It was tiring for me too, I'm glad you feel the same."
"What if during rehearsals and my heart won't stop racing?"
"I don't mind, don't avoid it, don't stop it."
Tamamori started up the bath as he waited for Miyata to remove his shoes at the entrance. A few splashes of water later and the sound of towels ruffling finally gone, Tamamori turned off the light on his bedside table, only moonlight pouring through the window.
"Tama, I am so in love with you," Miyata confessed shyly as they were curled up in Tamamori's bed.
"Gross," Tamamori joked. "I'm just kidding. I'm so in love with you too." He gently pressed a kiss on his cheek and pulled the blanket over their bodies, their cheeks warming quickly and smiles forming on their lips.
“Good night, Yuta."
"Good night, Toshiya." Miyata hugged the other boy tightly, to keep him close, and drifted off to sleep.