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It was a warm summers day when Gray made it home. He had long since moved out of the dormitories allocated to the male children, and now owned an apartment in central Magnolia. He tried to keep his address as private as possible, to avoid any unwanted visits from both guildmates and enemies alike. Of course his team knew where he lived, and he assumed Juvia would know, as well. Gray shuddered at the thought, closing his eyes and flopping backwards onto his unmade bed.
A sound cut through his homely silence, something between tearing paper and standing on leaves in the middle of Autumn. It was a sharp, crisp sound, and Gray crinkled his nose up in confusion. Lifting his thighs from the bed, Gray reached around and pulled a sealed envelope from under him. There was a an ‘N’ sitting in the center of a red wax seal, and Gray’s bewilderment grew.
“Natsu…?” He said to himself, before ripping the envelope open and folding out its contents. There were two pages of poorly written scrawl, and Gray sighed when he realised he would have to try and decipher the messy handwriting. Lying back on his bed, Gray got himself comfortable and started reading.
Gray,
I want to start off by saying that I’m sorry, I’m sure this letter is long overdue. I’ve started it so many times that my pen is weary with everything I want to say to you. It and me both. I never sent anything before now because the wording wasn’t right, or the timing felt off. Sometimes it was because of my own nerves, and other times it was down to you. Standing there with a cocky grin, shirt off and ready for action. Dammit, I hate you so much! You’re a stupid, perverted ice bastard! I always let you under my skin, and now… now you're inside my heart as well.
I hear Erza and Lucy complaining at you all of the time, telling you to quit smoking and giving you a list of reasons why cigarettes are damaging your health. And I agree with them Gray, I really do! But then again, what about me? Why are they not showing concern about my health, and my heart?
Your lungs will fill with tar and lead and poison, but at least they are full of /something/. My lungs are always empty, because you’ve already stolen my breath. Your fingers have been dyed yellow with nicotine, but mine are stained with longing. I hear murmured concerns about your heart giving out, which I’ve always found unnecessary. Even if your heart does fail, you can use mine as a spare. It has belonged to you, Gray, for longer than I care to count. You can use it, break it, tear it, and it will still beat. As long as it’s near you anyway, because you give it strength. You make me strong.
I’m saying all of this now because Mira and Erza were discussing how much time you’ve been spending over at Lamia Scale recently, with that bastard Lyon. Erza thinks it might be romantic. Mirajane agrees. And if they’re right, then I’m happy for you, Gray, truly I am. That’s the thing about love, it’s as selfish as it is selfless. Because I want you to be as happy as you can be, whether it’s with me or Lyon or even Juvia. But I equally want all of that happiness to come from me. I want to hoard you and claim you and mark you- both physically and emotionally- and it terrifies me, Gray. Who you are and what I feel for you… it makes me feel sick with fear. But I’ve battled demons (some of them yours, others my own), and I’ve fought heroes and villains, good and evil, all with you at my side. So no matter how great my anxiety might be, it’s nothing compared to the thought of losing you. I can withstand any measure of pain, live with all types of fear, if it ensures your safety. I can’t tell you how deeply I mean that, but one day I’d like to show you. I hope you want that, as well.
I realise now that I have been skirting around what I actually wanted to say. The truth is, I’m in love with you, Gray. Not in a brotherly way or a friendly way (although our time together spent as comrades are some of the happiest memories I have), but in an actual, serious kind of way. You know that one time we caught Erza and Jellal together after Tartaros, and she kicked our asses for an entire month afterwards? You kept on saying that you ‘didn’t understand how he could look at her all sappy like that’ because of how scary she is, but I understood perfectly. I recognised that stare, full of adoration and memories and hope, because that’s how I’ve been looking at you. How could you see it with Erza, but not with me? Why have you never noticed before that every moment I’m with you, I catch my breath?
I want to be with you, as well. I’ve heard of people who, despite their love being reciprocated, never want a relationship. I want that though, I want to hold you at ungodly hours of the morning when night is our blanket and day is just an idea. I want promises to be exchanged through bittersweet whispers, and our lips to meet under the sheets first thing in the morning. I want you, Gray. I want your messy hair and your bad habits and your stupid droopy eyes. I want to claim and be claimed, love and be loved. If you want to remain as friends after this, then that’s okay. It will hurt, and I’ll need some time, but it’s okay. I just want to make you aware that I want the stupid romantic crap, because it’s not as stupid if it’s with you.
I heard Gramps say that it’s not what you do in life that you regret, it’s what you don’t do. I don’t want to regret not telling you how I feel now, years later when you’ve moved on and I’m stuck, weighed down by love and trapped by hope. Even if you reject me. Even if you distance yourself in disgust. I have to tell you, Gray. You have to know the truth that has been burning me up for so long. More than anything I don’t want you to feel obliged to give me a chance, or any crap like that. If you are in a relationship with whoever, then be happy! Be free and limitless while it lasts, because that’s what I want for you. Don’t be with me out of pity or integrity; I don’t want you to feel remorseful or ashamed years down the line because I’m not the person you really want to be with.
I no longer regret my choices, Gray, so please don’t regret yours.
Love for now and for years to come,
Flame Brain Natsu