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She joined the war council for the final meeting, but there wasn’t much left to talk about. “We go to war with Hogwarts tomorrow.” Cephy thought to herself, with grim determination.
The so-called magical beasts of the Hogwarts grounds, lake and forest had put up with a lot over the years. But when sewage from the school turned pink, had the consistency of toffee, and stank like vomit, well, they’d had enough. The sewage treatment plant they had built years ago had become plugged up and raw sewage was spilling out into the lake.
So they were going to kick the humans out.
Before dawn, Cephy, her children, and the grindylows blocked all the sewage pipes coming out of the castle. Meanwhile, the Bundimum infestation they set loose a few weeks ago had destroyed the water pipes with their acidic ooze.
“Let the chaos begin!” Said Cephy triumphantly to the leader of the centaurs.
”Remember” Magorigan said, “you will rule over the waterways and I’ll rule over the forest.”
“Yes, yes” she replied, “urf... I can’t stand to be in this get-up for long anyways.” Since Cephy was a Giant Squid she had taken lungwort to breathe air and wore a corset to hold up her body. She’d chosen a pink one to match her tentacles.
People began to wake up and go about their business.
~~~~~~~~~~
Ron and Harry impatiently waited for Hermione in the common room. “Oy! Let’s get a move on Hermione!” Ron ejaculated.
She appeared at the top of the stairs looking rattled with her hair pulled back in a bun. “How did you boys shower and brush your teeth?” She asked “There wasn't enough water in the girls bathroom.”
Ron and Harry just looked at each other and shrugged. Of course, they’d done neither.
On the way down to breakfast Hermione stopped in every bathroom, but just shook her head when the boys looked at her.
As the morning went on, more and more people were cringing, holding their gut and running off to bathrooms overflowing with pink sewage. Or worse, taking shits behind armor or tapestries.
That’s when the doxies, blast-ended skrewts, gnomes and pigmy puffs all descended from the unused areas of the castle to harass the residents. Bites, burns, and aerial bombardment had even Harry, Ron, and Hermione retreating to the entrance hall. But, when they opened the doors to the school they stopped in shock. The opening was covered by silvery webs.
Harry started to say “Incen…” but was pushed from behind by all the students trying to get out. “Oof” was what he ended up saying as an acromantula wrapped him up tight except his nose and eyes. He saw Ron, Hermione and others beside him before a stinger poked his side and he went unconscious.
By the time Professors Dumbledore and Umbridge made it to the front stairs, vanishing shit along the way, the warring coalition had a large set of hostages and an even larger audience.
Cephy stood between the teachers and the hostages, clearly allied with the centaurs, all the magical creatures from inside Hogwarts except the elves, the spiders of course, and many aquatic creatures looking on from the lake.
“Professor Dumbledore and the entire population of Hogwarts,” she began, “on behalf of the coalition of creatures on these grounds, forests and lake, we demand you leave! Um, you have fouled our homes and restricted our rights for the last time! You’ve turned the lake to sludge for heaven’s sake!” She said in exasperation.
Dumbledore drew himself up to speak. “Hem, hem” they heard. Startled, Dumbledore turned and offered Professor Umbridge the floor. “Magical creatures are not allowed outside of their Ministry-designated habitats.” She said in her most condescending voice. “Furthermore, harming these students and disrupting the operation of Hogwarts will result in harsh penalties. Release those people and leave at once!” She ordered.
“Phase 2” called Cephy loudly. Some of the creatures picked up the hostages and ran to the lake, handing them off to the mer-people. By the time Umbridge and others started attacking the coalition it was too late for the hostages.
Then the creatures disappeared into the forest, lake and castle like it had all been a mirage.
Professor McGonagall said loudly, “Do not panic! Let’s all gather in the great hall.”
In the great hall. McGonagall was trying to teach everyone evanesco to vanish poop and aguamenti for drinking water as these were now critical life skills. Of course, most people weren’t paying any attention, speculating wildly on what would happen. Umbridge and Filch were running around the castle cleaning things up. Water was still a problem.
Dumbledore and Sprout found Dobby and asked him what was wrong with the water supply. “Show us Dobby” said Dumbledore, “and quickly before Umbridge gets back.” Dobby took them into the pipes the basilisk had used to get around the castle. Well, he tried to. Except the edges were ragged, like something had been chewing away on it, and where there should have been metal fittings there were just holes, the edges dripping with green ooze. “Bundimums sir, madam”, Dobby squeaked. “Dobby has never seen such an infestation!” They tried every spell they could think of but the ooze rebuffed them all. “hmmmm, I’ll have to write to Newt,” Dumbledore muttered to himself.
As they returned to the great hall and were telling Umbridge the bad news, another house elf ran up to Dumbledore, bowing, and scraping, and shaking with nerves. Umbridge shrieked “get away! Don’t you see your betters are talking here?” She started to flick her wand but Dumbledore stopped her with a cold look. He started to bend down toward the elf when Umbridge stopped him. “Don’t insult me or the Ministry will hear about it!”
“Don’t worry, I expect the Minister will be here any minute and you can tell him all about it.” He replied. Umbridge paled as she looked around at the chaos on her watch.
McGonagall walked over and took the house elf’s hand gently. “Um, thank you ma'am. They’ve gone and ruined all the food ma’am”, she squeaked. She showed McGonagall the pantry. Usually a place of wonder, an impossibly vast space full of any kind of food you could want. But now it was overrun with insects and snakes.
“Evanesco would just vanish the food too,” thought McGonagall. “Avis maxima ” McGonagall exclaimed, and the pantry was full of birds. They squawked and flew around, spotting the insect and snake buffet before them. Minerva hoped they didn’t eat too much of the human food in the meantime.
With lost kids, food, water and sewer in trouble, the Board of Governors had no choice but to evacuate. Since Umbridge was in charge during this breakdown in relations with the magical creatures, she was, of course, sacked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harry opened his eyes and tried to remember where he was. Everything looked fuzzy, but his glasses were on. “Oh right,” he thought to himself, “this is what it looks like under the lake, fuzzy and green, mostly.” He tried to move. Although still bound, he could move enough to see Ron, Hermione, Colin and some other students wriggling about trying to get free.
Suddenly a mer-person swam into view. “Harry Potter” they said in a weird nasal accent. “We remember your honorable actions from the tournament. We don’t want to hold such as you here as a hostage. We will let you and 3 equally honorable comrades go if you promise to hide and not tell the human adults you are free.” Harry nodded his agreement. Once they released him he pointed to Ron, Hermione and Colin to go with him. At dusk, the mer-people took them to the far end of the lake and pointed towards Hogsmeade.
“Lumos rubrum” Hermione said. When the others looked at her quizzically, she said “well the red light won’t wreck our night vision, will it? And hopefully it will make it less noticeable to the creatures we’re at war with.” The others looked at each other, impressed. They made their way to the Shrieking Shack as it was the only hide out that they knew about. They plotted how to get their friends out of the lake and take back the castle.
“Hmmm, I wish I knew how Fred and George are always popping off to Hogsmeade”, pondered Ron.
“Does anyone know any attacking spells?” Asked Harry. Everyone shook their heads.
“I don’t think we’re supposed to start learning those until next year.” Said Hermione.
But then Colin started jumping up and down with excitement, shouting “ WELL! NOT A SPELL EXACTLY HARRY!!! BUT I CAN TEACH YOU THE KATANA!”
“Calm down, calm down, Colin. What do you mean by katana?” Said Harry
Colin tried to keep his excitement under wraps enough to explain. “Well, you know how I was away last semester? Erm, I’m sure you heard I was in Japan for a study-abroad term. All students there have to learn a martial art or painting and I learned the katana AND painting” He pulled out his wand, made a katana appear and started doing various forms. Everyone else jumped back and Ron broke through a loose floorboard and twisted his ankle.
“That’s why it was so quiet last term..” thought Harry
“OK, we have a plan” said Harry after Ron had been extracted from the floor. The four of them started training and practicing, first with sticks from the forest but soon with real swords. They thought they’d need a few others to storm the castle so they snuck into Hogsmeade and sent owls to their student friends. They even got pretty good at painting training videos to send around to the other students. Well, not Slytherins.
As winter came on, the Shack was cold, damp and miserable. They had Hermione's little blue flames but that was about it. Ron complained constantly. Even Harry thought “If this is what camping is like, I’m not interested.”
After six weeks they decided they were ready and couldn’t stand living in the Shack anymore. It was time to storm the Castle. They contacted their friends, met in Hogsmeade, and armed with katanas and wands they walked to Hogwarts, be what may.
The kids were shocked! Dumbledore was standing by the lake talking to Cephy, the giant squid. As they approached the lake, bristling with swords, Cephy swam away in alarm.
“It’s all right,” Dumbledore told them. “Believe it or not, er, we adults can usually settle things in negotiations instead of resorting to swords! We reached a solution some weeks ago and the Castle and grounds can be shared by all manner of creatures. Please put your swords away.”
“Thank goodness” someone said. Harry and the others vanished their swords in relief. Six weeks really isn’t enough time to become competent.
When Cephy saw the swords go and the general hostility ramp down she swam back. “Welcome to my home” she said. “I am Cephy Lopod” leader of the lake brethren. We understand many of our troubles came from the eating of items from Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes. They fouled our home with nasty, terrible pollution we couldn’t fix, so we felt we had to banish you. Have any of you eaten these items?”
They all shook their heads while not making eye contact. “Well please do not do so in the future. Together with the teachers' help the lake has been restored, but it will not stay that way without the stewardship of all.” To herself she thought, “and I hope to never wear another corset!” Then she swam out into the lake and disappeared.The lake had never looked so clean!
As they trooped back to the castle Harry turned to Dumbledore and asked “Is Professor Umbridge still in charge?” “Oh no, I don’t think we’ll see her again,” and he looked at Harry and winked with those twinkling, scheming eyes.