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In the evening after the U-20 match, Itoshi Sae rides home alone in a blacked out rental SUV. It’s large and spacious inside and the leather seats feel cool against his skin, still hot from the game. Street lights passing overhead are the only illumination with the vehicle, bathing Sae in a warm, fleeting glow. It’s completely silent, without even the soft lull of the radio to drown out Sae’s thoughts. In his pocket, he can feel his phone vibrating relentlessly. Without even checking, he already knows who’s texting. He lets it vibrate, unable to bring himself to look. He closes his eyes, resting his forehead against the window.
Sae’s default setting is loneliness. It is something he doesn’t even have to think about, something that lives in his bones and nestles itself beneath his skin. It is ingrained into his very being, a defining characteristic of his identity. From experience, he knows that it is far better to be alone without anyone to disappoint. These were things he had never questioned until recently.
Sae can vividly recall the first time he saw Shidou Ryusei. His playstyle was aggressive and merciless, and just watching him through a screen was enough to light a fire in Sae. Shidou was as talented as he was unapologetically violent, going beyond the boundaries that would restrain a player of a lesser caliber. Watching Shidou was absolutely intoxicating , and before he knew it, Sae found himself pouring over hours and hours of game film. He was enraptured not only by Shidou’s play style, but by his fierce eyes and sharp grin. Shidou has an intense aura about him that seemed to draw chaos to himself like a black hole, swallowing everything in its path. Sae found himself unable to look away for even a moment, watching game film until the early hours of the morning. This player seemed to be everything that Sae wasn’t, his polar opposite in every way. Sae felt a deep desire building within himself to polish that sort of raw talent to make it shine. Given the opportunity, Sae could appreciate all of Shidou’s skills that the rest of the world would suppress and reject. Shidou was a loaded gun in the hands of people with no idea how to aim, his full potential being wasted on lukewarm players.
He can vividly remember the pity he felt at seeing Shidou fully restrained, being punished for all the talents that Sae planned to make bloom. At first, Shidou had reacted negatively. Sae had expected as much.
“I want your ego,” Sae had said, staring directly into Shidou’s electric pink eyes. “Go wild for my sake.”
And Shidou thoroughly surpassed even Sae’s own expectations. He delivered an electrifying performance, solidifying his position as one of the most talented strikers in the Blue Lock program and securing Sae’s number in the process.
Sae could still feel his pulsating phone in his pocket, his chest aching at the idea of Shidou being so eager to talk to him. He wanted to look so badly, but if he glanced at the screen, it would all become real. He decided to leave this problem for the Sae of tomorrow to deal with as the SUV pulled up to the curb outside his apartment.
After briefly thanking his driver, Sae stepped out into the brisk night air. A cool breeze whipped about his face, mussing his hair and raising goosebumps on his exposed skin. He fishes through the flap of his black duffel bag for his keys and scans into his building, flinging open the glass double doors against the resistance of the wind. The lobby is dead silent save for the soft hum of the harsh overhead fluorescent lights. His athletic shoes squeak against the pristine white tile as he saunters into the elevator, pressing the button for the top floor. The elevator doors close with a metallic thud as the lift springs to life. Sae leans against the back wall of the elevator, waiting patiently with each ding signaling the passing of a new floor. This has been his routine for as long as he can remember for the off season. The apartment he returns to each night is the place he lives, but it is not a home. He keeps his fridge sparsely stocked and the apartment itself looks more like a showroom than a place of residence due to lack of personal effects noticeable in the space. He never cooks and all of his clothes remain neatly stowed away in their assigned spaces.
Sae has never allowed himself the luxury of comfort; not since he was a teenager playing soccer in the backyard with his brother. He lives only for the sport these days, existing outside of the natural world and in a domain inhabited by only himself. There is a glass barrier that separates Itoshi Sae from everyone and everything, making him feel as though he’s only watching from the other side rather than interacting with it directly.
Within and without, he thinks, slotting his key into the door knob.
Flicking on the lights, he slips his shoes off and leaves them neatly on the rack by the door. He drops his duffel nearby, promising to unpack in later, too riddled with exhaustion to care. His phone buzzes once more in his pocket; he still doesn’t look. Trodding over to the kitchen, he pulls a cup of instant ramen from the top shelf of the cupboard. He knows it’s not the healthiest option, but it’s better than nothing.
After making his ramen, Sae plops himself on the couch in front of the TV. He turns on some random recorded soccer match as he mindlessly eats his noodles. His phone rests face up on the coffee table, buzzing once again with a number he doesn’t recognize. It triggers the vivid memory of Shidou whining at him to make good on his promise from across the room while Sae was showering.
Sae-chaaaaaaan , Shidou had said, why can’t you just give me your number now? Hurry up before I die of boredom from waiting.
Sae had pretended not to hear him as he let the water run over his body, prompting Shidou to bang on the wall of the shower stall next to him. The sound had startled Sae so badly he dropped his body wash on the shower floor, making Shidou howl with laughter.
Sae feels the corner of his mouth tug up at the memory, ever amused by Shidou’s antics, even at his expense. He feels a budding warmth in his chest any time he thinks of Shidou and his mischievous smile, his overwhelming confidence, and his shameless flirting. Shidou breathes new life into Sae, who feels as though he’s been living half-dead for so long now. He is the embodiment of the happiness and the vibrancy Sae has spent so long rejecting and avoiding. Terrifying and unpredictable, Shidou has unintentionally thrown Sae’s world off its axis and set it into a spin. His mere existence is enough to make Sae question himself and the things he truly longs for in life, and the sort of joy he would want for himself.
Which is exactly why he can’t bring himself to look at his phone.
If Shidou was serious about pursuing Sae, what would he do? Would Sae let him? Run away, like usual? The latter is much more likely. Sae has spent so long running from himself and his own life, throwing himself into a sport and making it his entire existence. Itoshi Sae has thrown away everything that he once was, becoming more akin to an automaton with only one purpose and no human desires. He’s not sure he even knows how to be human anymore, and Shidou deserves someone flesh and blood and entirely human, rather than cold steel. If Shidou knew who Sae really was inside, that he is just an empty husk composed of numbers and statistics, Sae could almost guarantee he would lose interest.
After he finishes eating, Sae proceeds with his usual skin care routine and dresses for bed. Only once he is wedged between his pristine white sheets alone in the dark does he finally unlock his phone screen and check his messages.
heyyyyyy guess who x
saeeeee-chan i know u hear me ヽ(≧Д≦)ノ
don’t ignore meeeeeee
i miss you so much
c’mon ur so hot and i’m so lonelyyyyy and boreddddddd (〜￣△￣)〜
Sae scrolls through all twenty-five messages detailing Shidou’s evening and inappropriate comments about Sae’s athletic build until he finally reaches the bottom, seeing a text that makes his blood run cold.
mmmmmm i guess ur sleeping now buuuut whenever u see this lmk a good time for our first date ☆～（ゝ。∂）
A beat passes.
Another.
Sae stares at his screen, unblinking, heart beating out of his chest for no less than five whole minutes.
He locks the screen, deposits the phone on the nightstand, and rolls over to sleep.
__________________
For as long as he can remember, Sae has been a late riser. The following day, he rolls out of bed at 12pm and begins his usual routine. He dresses, goes to the gym, eats a light breakfast, showers and brushes his teeth, all the while his mind racing with thoughts of Shidou. Even in his determination to avoid idle hands, the pink-haired striker fills his brain, specifically the prospect of a date .
It’s not that Sae is opposed, really.
He wants to accept, which is much scarier.
So instead of making a decision, he pretends it doesn’t exist and opts to go for a walk instead. Before getting dressed, he takes a glance at the weather on his phone, only to find it had snowed overnight. Sae dons his boots, scarf and coat before stepping out into the empty hallway, locking the door behind him on the way out. It’s slightly more lively at this time of day than it had been last night, with sounds of life coming from behind every door. He can hear the faint sounds of arguments, rather loud sex, televisions playing cartoonish sound effects, and of course, crying children. Lost in thought, he wonders what people think as they pass his apartment, which is always dead silent and has no welcome mat or signs of life visible around the entryway to his home. Perhaps they think it’s uninhabited, or maybe some kind of recluse. If Sae had the luxury of giving in to his introvert desires he most definitely would be a recluse, so the second thing isn’t too far off the mark. He never has guests, since he doesn’t really have friends and he’s on weird terms with his family. This was never the life he had imagined for himself as a child. Sae had never imagined himself throwing away his dream of becoming a striker and shattering his own identity, making himself something foreign to everyone around him. The Itoshi Sae of today is not the Itoshi Sae that grew up with Itoshi Rin playing soccer in the backyard. The Itoshi Sae of today exists unto himself as an island, whether he likes it or not. He had once dreamed of a life for himself completely different from this, but Sae didn’t have the strength to build it for himself, and in turn the pieces fell apart and scattered around him like confetti. Sae feels he can’t even blame the unfair and unpredictable nature of this world for his circumstances because maybe if he had only been better things would be different. Instead, he lives in a sort of purgatory where he is a disappointment to acquaintances and strangers alike. As a child, you are taught that you can be anything as long as you work hard, and Sae had believed that wholeheartedly; but, if that’s true, did Sae just not work hard enough? Did he not want it badly enough?
Sae’s thoughts are interrupted by the sound of footsteps rapidly approaching from behind, crunching the snow in their wake.
“HEY! ITOSHI SAEEEEE!”
Sae already knows who it is without turning around. Before he gets the chance, two strong arms embrace him from behind, and he’s overwhelmed by the scent of mint and cheap cologne.
“Little demon,” Sae says flatly. “What a coincidence.”
Shidou tightens his grip excitedly at the acknowledgement, squeezing the air out of Sae. “Aren’t you happy to see me? I’m really happy to see you, gorgeous.”
“What brings you out today?”
“I wanted to enjoy the weather and maybe do some shopping, but now I’m only interested in what you’re doing,” Shidou says, burrowing his face in Sae’s neck.
Sae tries not to react to the touch, but feels goosebumps rising on his skin. “Then you’ll be disappointed. I’m only out for a walk, nothing more.”
Shidou releases his grip on Sae’s back and hooks their arms together instead, pulling Sae close to his side. “If you don’t have any plans, just come along with me instead. I’ll be on my best behavior, pinky promise.”
“Somehow, I sincerely doubt that,” Sae says with a sigh. He knows resisting against Shidou is useless once he sets his mind to something (not that he really wants to resist, but that’s going to be his little secret.) “Fine. Lead the way, my little demon.”
“I have a name, you know.”
“I’m sure you do,” Sae says unapologetically.
“Just try saying it once. You could even try Ryu-chan, if you’d like,” Shidou says, with what could only be described as a true shit-eating grin stretching across his handsome features.
“As tempting as that sounds, I’ll have to decline.”
Shidou pouts. “At least think about it before saying no.”
As the snow continues to fall around them, they make their way to the downtown shopping center. Snow is piled all around the sidewalks and streets from where it had been scraped away and the sun has just begun to set, casting the city in an orange glow. The street lights are starting to turn on, and they illuminate Shidou’s profile in Sae’s peripheral. Shidou’s arm is warm and strong, and listening to him talk about everything and nothing is comforting to Sae. Shidou is comfortable to Sae. His deep voice and his sharp grin and his enthusiasm are intoxicating to Sae, who is all too familiar with solitude. When is the last time someone touched Sae as casually as this; or even just done anything with him that’s not soccer related that was also voluntary?
“Sae-chaaaaaan? Earth to Sae-chan, come in Sae-chan,” Shidou says, coming to a halt and waving a hand in front of Sae’s face.
“Ah!” Sae jumps, genuinely startled.
“Did you not hear me? Have you seriously not been listening at all this whole time?”
Sae decides to just be honest. “No, I’m sorry. I was lost in my thoughts.”
“Well that’s a little rude, but your surprised face was so cute I’ll allow it,” Shidou says, sighing dreamily. “As I was saying , have you eaten yet? Should we stop somewhere?”
“Are you really fussing over me, little demon?”
Shidou elbows him in the side, not gently. “Just answer the question you ass.”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Here, come with me. I know a spot.”
Shidou drags Sae over to a small outdoor sitting area with fairy lights hanging overhead from the trees. Pulling a chair out from the table, Shidou gestures dramatically for Sae to take a seat. Something about the scene makes Sae’s heart clench.
“Wait here, I’ll be back in a sec. Try not to get kidnapped while I’m gone.”
“I’ll do my best,” Sae calls to Shidou’s retreating back.
Watching Shidou run off in the direction of a food stall, Sae wondered if this would be what it’s like to go on a date with him. Wait, is this a date? Sae’s heart began to beat uncomfortably out of his chest at the thought, causing him to grip the front of his coat. A date, his mind repeated unhelpfully. If this is what dating was like, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.
Shidou returns a moment later with two dishes of takoyaki. His smile is bright as he drops one in front of Sae. “Ta-daaaa! This place is the best, so just trust me, kay?”
Sae feels the corners of his mouth tug up into a half smile. “Thank you.”
“Anything for you,” Shidou says with a wink. “I could also feed you too, while I’m at it.”
“Worry about feeding yourself,” Sae responds, picking up one of the squishy, fried pieces and popping it into his mouth.
Shidou licks his lips before digging in, scarfing the pieces down so quickly it’s mildly disturbing. Sae takes advantage of Shidou’s distraction to look him over. Shidou has a black scarf layered over a bright pink puffer coat, paired with black ripped jeans and boots. His pink irises are bright and alive and at this distance Sae can see the faint freckles dusting his cheeks, which are flushed pink from the cold. The wind ruffles Shidou’s spiky hair, causing him to look up and find Sae’s eyes trained on him.
“See something you like?”
“Maybe,” Sae answers honestly, causing Shidou to flush an even deeper shade of pink.
“No fair, Sae-chan. You can’t just be that cute out of nowhere.”
“Apologies. I’ll try to be less cute in the future,” Sae remarks dryly, turning his attention back to the takoyaki.
They finish their meal and afterwards Shidou pops up to discard their trash, saying something about it being the gentlemanly thing to do.
When he returns, Sae stops him in his tracks. “Hold still.”
Shidou opens his mouth to respond, but before he can get any words out, Sae reaches up to swipe at the corner of his lips with his thumb.
“You had a little food on your mouth.”
“A-ah…” Shidou stammers, avoiding eye contact with Sae. “Thank you.”
Sae inexplicably finds himself blushing as well. “Don’t mention it.”
“It’s getting kind of late,” Shidou remarks, running a hand through his hair. “We should probably head back.”
“Mm,” Sae nods in agreement, shivering at the sudden icy gust of wind.
“Are you cold?”
“No.”
“Liar,” Shidou says, unwrapping his scarf from around his neck. He steps closer to Sae and wraps it around his neck a few times. “Let’s get you home.”
Without hesitation, Shidou grabs Sae’s hand, pulling it into his coat pocket and holding it there.
A date , Sae thinks once more. Huh.
After thirty minutes of idle chit chat and occasional icy gusts nearly blowing them both over, they arrive at Sae’s apartment building.
“Thank you for walking me home,” Sae says, lifting his hands to unwrap Shidou’s scarf.
Shidou catches Sae’s hands in his own. “Keep it. You can give it back to me when we meet for our next date.”
Sae feels his heart rate pick up once more. “How can you be sure there will be a next one?”
Shidou shrugs. “Call it wishful thinking, but I like to think you enjoy being with me too.”
I do, Sae doesn’t say.
“I’m gonna head back now, unless you’d like to invite me in.”
Sae doesn’t dignify that with a response.
“I thought so. Goodnight Sae, make sure you only dream of me.” Shidou blows a kiss before disappearing back into the snowy night.
Sae watches his back until he’s out of sight.
_________________
good morning sunshine ヽ(*・ω・)ﾉ
i can’t believe u still won’t text me back
even after i fed and dressed u
smh
it’s ok tho if u text back like now i’ll forgive u
pspspsps
itoshi saeeeeeeee
let me love u fuckhead ( ○｀3´○)
play hard to get all u want but u can’t run from me forever
Sae stares blankly at his phone screen, fully aware his read receipts are on and Shidou can see him reading the messages. The three dots signifying Shidou typing appear at the bottom for a moment before disappearing, and Sae feels his heart sink a little. He feels silly for being disappointed, especially since he hasn’t responded even once.
Wiping his face with the towel hanging loosely around his neck, Sae tosses his phone onto the bed, turning his attention to pulling out clean clothes from his dresser. Fresh out of the shower with nowhere to be, Sae plans to have a relaxing Shidou-free night at home with a movie and popcorn.
It has been over a week since Sae last saw Shidou, and the texts have gradually calmed down to an average 7-8 per day. Sae finds himself unable to stop thinking about Shidou’s rosy cheeks in the cold, their hands threaded together in his pocket, and the gentleness with which he wrapped the scarf around Sae. One thing Sae had never expected was that Shidou was capable of being so thoughtful and selfless towards the people he cares about, and the idea of him caring that way about Sae makes his chest feel tight.
Sae is a person who has always been fiercely independent, more out of necessity than actual desire. He has lived most of his life with the world on his shoulders with no one to help ease the weight, and he often wonders what it would feel like to be supported in such a way. Shidou’s tender hands and warm eyes fill Sae with a dangerous sort of hope, like a hand reaching out to Sae just as he’s sinking under the waves, preventing his inevitable drowning. Maybe that would be too much to ask. Maybe Sae’s fate is his own to bear.
What Sae wants more than anything is for someone to tell him it’s going to be okay and that he’s doing enough, and that childish desire fills him with disgust for himself. He feels envy when he sees his teammates having tender, familial moments or sharing intimate moments with friends or lovers and he feels that sharp, stabbing ache again for all that his life is missing. Sae wonders if Shidou could love his ugliest, coldest, most selfish parts if he let them show, and suddenly realizes that maybe he doesn’t want to know the answer.
It’s just after 11pm when Sae’s phone buzzing again, while he’s sitting on the couch in his pajamas watching some documentary about jellyfish migration on Netflix. Of course, it’s from the only person this desperate to talk to Sae. Naturally, the number he’s become so familiar with flashes at the top of the screen.
ssaechab im. ddyijg pleas hrlp i csnt ddie rn ur spooo fine haha
Sae’s first instinct is to ignore it. Shidou is probably just out drunk and misbehaving, looking to annoy him once more. Just as he is about to lock his phone and turn his attention back to the documentary, a thought occurs to him: what if Shidou really is in trouble? Shidou is an adult man significantly taller and bulkier than himself, and rationally he knows he can take care of himself, but once the fear takes hold he finds it unshakable. It nags at him until he finds himself in his closet throwing on sweats at an embarrassingly quick pace. Along with Shidou’s text was his location, because of course it was. Cheeky fuck , Sae thinks as he darts out into the night. The pinned location is no more than a 15 minute walk, which was too close to justify a taxi. It became abundantly clear however, once he actually started making the trip, that he was not dressed for the weather. His thin hoodie was not enough to protect him from the elements, and not long after he had left home did it once again begin to snow. He could feel the snow soaking his clothes, and silently vowed that if Shidou was in one piece when Sae found him, he wouldn’t be when he left.
It isn’t long before Sae finds himself in front of a large apartment building, and it dawns on him suddenly that he has been here a few times. It is someone in the Blue Lock program’s apartment, and though he can’t remember exactly who, what he does remember is that there are frequent house parties crawling with athletes at this residence. Sae feels confident that he knows exactly where Shidou is, standing in front of the call box where a resident must buzz you in. Taking a deep breath to steady himself, Sae presses in the apartment number that he’s about 65% sure is correct. He’s greeted by Bachira’s chipper voice.
“Who is ittttt?” Bachira says in a sing-song voice.
I could just go home. I could leave right now, Sae thinks to himself; instead, he says “Itoshi Sae.”
“OOOOOOOH,” Bachira drawls from the call box, “you must be here for Ryu-chan. We’ll buzz you in now.”
Sae here’s a long beep followed by a click and yanks the door open with one hand, attempting to keep the other one in his pocket to retain any warmth he has left. As soon as the cold air from inside the lobby hits him, he begins to shiver in his now soaked clothing. Stepping into the elevator, he punches the button for floor 5 and waits patiently as the elevator jumps to life. When he steps off the elevator, he can immediately hear the sound of a party at the end of the hall. It is a wonder that no one has called property management yet if they’ve been this loud all evening.
Feeling the rush of social anxiety wash over himself, he forces himself to take a deep breath before making for apartment number 542. Once he feels he has properly steeled himself, he knocks three times, and is greeted by Bachira throwing open the door.
“Sae-chan! I didn’t know you were coming tonight.”
“I wasn’t planning on it,” Sae says, trying to keep his expression neutral. “Is my little demon here?”
“Ryu-chan?” Bachira says, tilting his head inquisitively. “Yeah he is, and he’s getting his ass kicked at beer pong.”
Despite himself, Sae immediately face palms himself, feeling absolutely ridiculous for rushing over. It was just a silly drunk text.
“BACHI-KUNNNN! GET YOUR ASS BACK TO TABLE!” A voice shouts from Bachira, just before two strong, tan arms wrap around his shoulders.
“Ryu-chan! Look who’s here!”
“Hm?” Shidou hums, lifting his heavy-lidded pink eyes to look at Sae. “SAE-CHAN!”
“If you’re going to yell, don’t do it in my ear,” Bachira complains, shoving Shidou off his back.
Shidou stumbles back momentarily in his drunken state before lunging forward to yank Sae in the apartment by his arms, slamming the door shut behind him and effectively sealing his escape. Pulling Sae to his chest, Shidou buries his face in his hair, squeezing so tightly that Sae feels he can’t breathe. He smells of cheap tequila, the cologne from the other night, and sweat, and as much as Sae hates to admit it, the smell makes something like desire pool in the pit of his stomach.
“Oh, Sae-chan,” Shidou slurs, “why are you wet?”
“Snow,” Sae snaps.
Shidou pulls back to look him over, his expression mired with concern. “You’re going to catch a cold.”
“And it will be your fault.”
“Sae-chan, you know I can’t come to your home and dress you every day. Aren’t you supposed to be the older one? How irresponsible.” Shidou tuts in disapproval.
Sae can feel his face getting hot with rage. “If you’re fine, then I’m leaving now.”
Shidou pulls him close again and strokes his hair, further inciting Sae’s fury. “Nope, you’re all mine now. Just consider yourself my prisoner for the evening, gorgeous.”
“Is this your apartment?” Sae asks, pretending Shidou hadn’t just said that.
“Nope.”
“Then whose is it?”
Shidou glances around the room briefly before shrugging his shoulders. “Dunno.”
“And you’re okay with getting plastered in a stranger’s apartment?”
“It’s not a stranger’s apartment,” Shidou corrects. “I know everyone here.”
Sae rolls his eyes. He pulls backs, running his eyes over Shidou to fully take in his appearance. He’s dressed in a jean jacket layered over a crop top with a portrait of some american pop star whose name Sae can’t remember printed over the front, leaving his muscular torso bare. On his lower half, he wears ripped, faded blue jeans over chunky, heeled black boots. His hair is slightly messy, his eyeliner smudged, his eyes hazy and his lips glossy and swollen. The sight of him makes Sae’s mouth feel dry.
Shidou smiles at the feeling of Sae’s eyes tracing every curve of his body, clearly pleased with the attention. All around them are the sounds of glasses clinking and shouting, but it fades to white noise when all his senses are full of Shidou. He can’t be bothered with the world outside of this bright, vulgar, kind, violent, beautiful boy. Sae is drowning again, but in a completely new feeling that overtakes all of his senses, and Shidou’s smile becomes the center of Sae’s world. He feels now as though he has truly seen the full picture, not only of Shidou, but of his own heart.
“Since you’re here now,” Shidou begins, taking Sae’s hands in his own, “can I get you a drink?”
Sae only hesitates for a moment before nodding his head yes.
An hour and a half later, a comfortable buzz has settled over Sae’s body. He’s never been much of a drinker, but the warmth and relaxation he feels in this moment is unparalleled. It also may have something to do with the way he’s nestled into Shidou’s side, with one of his strong arms thrown over Sae’s shoulders. Shidou is still sufficiently drunk and Sae knows they should leave, but he can’t bring himself to open his eyes and peel himself off of his precious demon, who is gently running a hand through Sae’s hair in a slow rhythm.
“Are you ready to leave?” Shidou mumbles from somewhere above Sae, seemingly reading his mind.
Sae nods his head and gets up first, pulling Shidou up behind him. Shidou stumbles to his feet, placing a hand on Sae’s shoulder to steady himself. They say their goodbyes to everyone before heading out, with Shidou draping himself over Sae from the back as they walk. His clothes have finally begun to dry, and Shidou’s natural body heat serves to keep Sae warm as they go back into the snow.
“I’m coming home with you,” Shidou slurs, and it’s very obviously not a question but a statement.
“Okay,” Sae replies, shockingly not repulsed by the idea of Shidou in his home.
They only make it a few more steps before Shidou comes to a halt, yanking Sae back against him. “Sae-chan,” he says, his voice quiet and deathly serious.
Sae doesn’t respond, too flustered but the feeling of Shidou’s thundering heart against his back.
“Did you come tonight because you were worried about me?”
“I…” He did, but suddenly Sae’s mouth refuses to form itself around the words. He can’t lie, but he can’t tell the truth.
“It’s okay,” Shidou mumbles into his ear. “I already know the answer, I think. And I’m glad.”
“You’re glad?”
“I am. I want you to worry about me the same way I worry about you. Isn’t that selfish?” Shidou says, chuckling softly. He gently traces his fingers down Sae’s arm until he reaches his hand, bringing it to his lips for a kiss. In this moment, Sae is endlessly grateful that Shidou can’t see his face.
“I don’t think so,” Sae murmurs, unable to say anything more.
Thankfully, Shidou doesn’t say anything else before he starts walking again, pushing Sae forward. Around them, snow falls and there are no cars on the street. It feels as though again the world exists for only them and them alone.
When they arrive at Sae’s apartment, Sae immediately heads to his linen closet to search for spare bedding.
Shidou saunters up behind him after depositing his boots at the door. “What are you doing?”
“I assume you’ll need blankets to sleep.”
“Why would I when I’ll be sleeping with you?”
Sae freezes with his hand hovering over a gray fitted sheet. He doesn’t even have time to turn around before he hears Shidou’s heavy, clumsy footsteps heading towards the bedroom. Sae is grateful his apartment looks like a showroom right now, as the only possible mess in his room is from him throwing off his clothes at the speed of light earlier.
Sae finds Shidou laid back on his bed, eyes closed with his hands folded behind his head.
“You still have your makeup on,” Sae says, walking up to flick Shidou on his forehead.
“So?”
“You can’t sleep like that.”
Shidou smiles smugly, not opening his eyes. “Are you going to wash it off me?”
Shidou clearly hadn’t expected Sae to actually return a moment later with a face wipe. Shidou jumps at the unexpected contact of the wipe with his skin and Sae jerks his hand back, prompting Shidou’s eyes to fly open and his hand to shoot out to catch Sae’s wrist.
“Don’t stop.”
Sae nods, gently wiping the back liner from around Shidou’s eyes. Shidou sighs contentedly, clearly pleased with being pampered. As Sae moves to push off the arm he’s using to hold his weight over Shidou, somehow his hand slips, causing him to collapse with his face only an inch from Shidou’s. Shidou’s eyes widen with surprise, and for a moment no one moves, leaving them deadlocked in a staring contest. Sae can’t pull his eyes away, and he sees something deep and unfathomable in Shidou’s shocking pink eyes.
In a flash, Shidou grabs the back of Sae’s hair, pulling him into a searing kiss. His lips are slightly chapped from the cold, and he tastes like Tequila when he slides his tongue into Sae’s mouth. Sae can feel his heart hammering against his ribs and he feels desperate to get closer, which Shidou seems to reciprocate. Their bodies clumsily grind against each other and their kisses are sloppy, and Sae can’t tell whether the kiss is good or bad because he’s never been kissed before.
Who knew Sae’s first kiss would be with a drunken demon, greedily tugging at his clothing after a house party?
Suddenly, Shidou flips them over so that he’s hovering above Sae, and the kiss is broken all too soon. He brushes Sae’s messy bangs away from his face, looking down at him with overwhelming affection. He sighs, the corners of his mouth tugging up into a soft smile. “You’re so beautiful, Sae-chan. You make me feel crazy.”
“The feeling is mutual. I hope the psych ward has room for two.”
Shidou laughs before dropping his full body weight on top of Sae, trapping him underneath and burrowing his face into Sae’s neck. “Good night Sae-chan.”
“All of the lights are still on,” Sae protests.
“Too bad. Sweet dreams. Love you.”
Sae is completely stunned into silence, no longer pushing to free himself from underneath Shidou’s body weight. He doesn’t move again until morning.
_______________
When the first rays of morning light stream through the window, Sae awakens to a snoring and drooling Shidou, who has dampened the neck of his shirt. His body is wracked with chills, his clothes soaked with sweat, and everything hurts.
Hangover? No, it couldn’t be. Sae only had two drinks the night before.
Sick? It can’t be. Itoshi Sae does not get sick. The last time he was sick would’ve been when he was still in early grade school.
As he desperately tries to take inventory of his current state, Sae sneezes so hard his entire body jerks with it, jostling the slumbering Shidou on his chest.
Shidou blearily opens his eyes, staring up at him without moving his body off of Sae. “You look like shit,” he remarks, his voice thick with sleep.
“Good morning to you too,” Sae tries to say, but his voice comes out raspy and choked, and he becomes aware of the painful swelling of his throat.
“You dumbass. You’re sick.”
“Am not,” Sae argues, though both of them know it’s a lie.
Shidou peels himself off of Sae, stretching his arms high over his head with a yawn. “Do you keep medicine around the house?”
Sae shakes his head no.
“Mmkay,” Shidou says, heading into Sae’s closet.
“What are you doing?”
“Borrowing a hoodie to go to the store.”
“No. Get out.”
Shidou stops in his tracks. “Excuse me?”
“I said get out,” Sae repeats, sitting up to look him dead-on.
“Technically, I am getting out. And then I’m coming back to play naughty nurse so you don’t spend the next week wasting away in bed like a Victorian orphan.”
“Don’t you know when to fucking quit?” Sae rasps, tone laden with as much venom as he can muster. “I don’t need you to do anything. Just fucking leave.”
Shidou storms back over to where Sae sits on the bed and easily pushes him down with one hand on his chest. In Sae’s weakened state, Shidou is able to hold him down with not even a fraction of his strength. “Are you fucking dumb? I’m doing this because I want to, and you’re too weak to do anything so you’re in no position to refuse. Just lay down, shut the fuck up and behave. And don’t try to yell anymore, you’ll only strain your throat more you jackass,” Shidou reprimands, withdrawing his hand.
Sae only glares up at him defiantly, unable to argue because he knows Shidou is right.
Suddenly, Shidou smiles. “Good boy,” he says before turning his attention back to hoodie hunting.
Sae wants to get up and punch him in the throat, but unfortunately he has not one ounce of strength in his body, and his consciousness is quickly fading. He feels disgusting and delirious and he just wants to sleep.
Before leaving for the store, Shidou stops by Sae to gently brush his sweaty bangs away from his forehead. “Rest. I’ll be back soon.”
Shidou’s gentle expression is the last thing he sees before his heavy eyelids close for the last time.
When Sae awakens, he somehow feels even more gross than he had before he fell asleep. The sound of soft singing is drifting down the hall, and Sae is momentarily frightened before he remembers Shidou is holding him hostage. On his nightstand, Sae spots two small pills and a small glass of water. He tries to sit up, but feels too weak and ultimately resigns himself to his fate, pulling the covers back over his head.
“Sae-chan,” Shidou whispers from above him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. Sae hadn’t heard him enter. “You need to take your medicine. Wakey wakey.”
“Go away,” Sae whines, his voice muffled by the comforter over his head.
“No can do. You won’t get better unless you take your meds. Come on,” Shidou urges, pulling the covers out of Sae’s hands.
Sae groans as the light hits his eyes. “I hate you.”
“Hate me all you want, but it won’t make you any less sick.” Shidou gently eases Sae to an upright position and puts the pills in his hand, passing him the water after. “Whenever you start to get an appetite, I made soup.”
“What a good little housewife you are, my dear demon. Unfortunately, I just want to rest.”
“I figured as much. I’ll reheat it for you later.”
Sae lays back down and surprisingly, Shidou flops down beside him. He lays on top of the comforter on his side, running a hand through Sae’s sweaty hair.
“Stop it. I’m gross,” Sae complains.
“I’d still hit.”
“Thanks. That makes me feel much better.” Sae means to let the conversation die there, but his fever-addled brain keeps turning the same words over and over again. His self control is weak at best, and the words begin to slip out, unbidden. “Little demon.”
“What?”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Because you’re sick,” Shidou says, like it’s obvious.
“That’s not what I mean.”
“Oooohhh,” Shidou drags out, thinking carefully before he speaks again. “I told you before, I care about you.”
“But is that enough of a reason to do all of this?”
Shidou nods once. “More than enough. There’s nowhere I’d rather be than with you, anyways.”
Sae doesn’t trust himself to speak. What could he even say to such an earnest declaration? Instead of words, he decides to use his actions, inching closer to Shidou and burying his face in his t-shirt. Shidou huffs a short laugh and throws his arm around Sae, pulling him even closer. Enveloped in his warmth and his scent, Sae can feel sleep washing over him once more.
Before he drifts off, he whispers to Shidou once more, not daring to open his eyes. “Thank you, Ryusei.”
It’s late in the evening when Sae wakes up, with only darkness visible through the window. After listening to Sae’s whining about the grime he feels coating his body, Shidou leaves the room and moments later the sound of running water can be heard from the bathroom.
“C’mon pretty boy,” Shidou says as he comes back into the room.
“What are you doing?”
“You keep complaining about being dirty,” he begins, easing Sae up from the bed, “so it’s bath time.”
“Pervert,” Sae mumbles.
“Not this time. You just smell like shit and I plan to spend the rest of my night holding you.”
If Sae had more energy, he would elbow Shidou in his ribs. “Has anyone ever told you you’re a real charmer?”
“You just did.”
They come to a halt as they cross over the threshold of the bathroom and the tiles are cold under his feet. He catches sight of himself in the bathroom mirror from the corner of his eye, and somehow he looks even worse than he expected. Sae’s hair is somehow both matted and sticking up in some places, his cheeks ruddy, and his eyes coated in a glassy sheen.
“God, you’re burning up. Will you be okay by yourself?” Shidou looks at him with a rare spark of genuine concern behind his eyes.
“Maybe not,” Sae answers honestly. “Stay in here, but turn around.”
“Ten-four,” Shidou says obediently, turning his back to Sae.
Sae begins to strip his disgusting pajamas layer by layer, stopping every so often to take a peak at Shidou over his shoulder. Staying true to his word, Shidou remains facing away, humming a song that is vaguely familiar to Sae. Once he’s completely nude, he eases himself into the hot water, sinking down to his neck. Shidou sits cross-legged with his back leaned against the side of the tub, and Sae briefly considers splashing him with water. The heat serves to ease Sae’s aching joints and he closes his eyes, allowing himself to fully relax.
“Did you drown yet?”
Spoke too soon . “Not yet.”
“Just know I am ready and willing to give mouth to mouth any time.”
Sae ignores his comment, instead focusing on scrubbing off the grime from his skin. It is a slow and tedious process since Sae feels dizzy and disoriented, but the scent of his own lavender body wash is comforting; he feels unhurried, despite Shidou’s presence. It’s only once he gets to his hair that he realizes he has a problem.
“Little demon.”
Shidou perks up immediately. “Lonely already?”
“I need a favor.”
“For you? Anything.”
“Can you…” Sae hesitates. “Can you wash my hair? Please.”
“I’ll have to turn around to do that. Is that okay?”
“Just don’t stare,” Sae says, almost shyly.
“I’ll be right back, just wait one sec.”
Shidou returns a moment later with a cup from the kitchen in his hand. Sae looks at him in confusion but is too tired to bother, deciding to let him have his way. Shidou dips the cup into the bath water before carefully pouring it over Sae’s hair, being careful to pour so that it doesn’t get on Sae’s face. After sitting the cup beside him on the floor, Shidou takes two pumps of shampoo into his hand. Carefully, he begins to massage the product into Sae’s scalp. His hands are slow and gentle, and the dissonance between Shidou’s personality on and off the field once again shines through. Sae finds himself grateful suddenly to know this side of Shidou. As Shidou works his hands through Sae’s hair, he attempts to gently detangle the knots with his fingers.
“Sae-chan,” Shidou says in a sing-song voice, as he reaches for the conditioner.
“What?”
A sly grin spreads across Shidou’s face. “You look even better naked than I ever imagined.”
“And you look even better when you’re not talking.”
Shidou’s warm laughter reverberates off the tiles, filling the space and rattling Sae to his core.
After rinsing Sae’s hair, Shidou leaves him to soak a moment longer while he goes to put fresh sheets on the bed. When he returns, he helps Sae out of the bath and wraps him in a towel, drying him off in the process. Once in the bedroom, he sits Sae on the bed while he goes to fetch him some pajamas. Sae’s head is pounding and he flops backwards onto the bed while he waits for Shidou. It occurs to Sae as he’s laying on the bed that everything Shidou has done for him in the last 24 hours, he has done without complaint. His warmth and humor have made being sick like this much more tolerable, and if he’s being honest, Sae might not have moved from the bed all day without his help.
Part of Sae wishes the Shidou would just stop. The idea of love terrifies him, and last night before falling asleep, Shidou said love you . He loves Sae. He kissed him and held him and washed his hair and told him he loves him and Sae is spiraling. Everything he thought he knew, all of his perceptions of himself and the world have crumbled and lay scattered around him in the bed he shares with Shidou, while Shidou rubs slow circles between Sae’s shoulder blades and an old episode of The Twilight Zone is playing softly on the tv mounted on the wall and everything is different now. It suddenly occurs to Sae that maybe it’s time to surrender, to rest his head on Shidou’s chest without worrying whether he will ever experience this again.
If there was ever someone worth trusting for Sae, it is Shidou Ryusei. Shidou, the constant steady presence in his life since they met, who gives of himself selflessly and without hesitation. Shidou does not doing anything by halves, throwing himself completely into everything he does. He is passion and fire and his touch burns and Sae realizes he can’t get enough. He’s completely addicted, and he sees now he couldn’t stop if he wanted to. Sae can’t let Shidou go; he’s ready to accept that. He wraps his arms tighter around Shidou’s muscular abdomen, and Shidou hums happily in response, rubbing his face against Sae’s hair like a cat.
“Ryusei.”
Shidou startles at the use of his given name. “Yeah?”
“Will you stay with me?” Sae doesn’t clarify whether he means tonight or forever.
“Of course. I won’t go anywhere, as long as it’s what you want.”
“I do want that,” Sae confesses, his voice soft as a whisper. “I want you to stay.”
“Is the fever still making you delirious? I thought it finally broke earlier,” Shidou says, bringing a hand up to feel Sae’s forehead.
Sae swats his hand away. “I’m serious. Say you will.”
Shidou laughs softly, using the same hand to brush Sae’s hair away from his face. His hair is down, with the blonde and pink strands just brushing the tops of his shoulders. He’s undeniably beautiful like this, and Sae drinks in his appearance, memorizing every curve of his face, including the way the dimples materialize on his cheeks when he really smiles.
“Itoshi Sae, I solemnly swear to stay with you. Till death do us part.”
________________
Dinner tonight at 7. Send me your address.
Sae reads over the text once more and presses send before he can second guess himself. Ryusei texts back almost instantly, confirming their plans and Sae checks the current time on his phone. He has two hours until he needs to leave to go meet Ryusei. His heart is beating out of his chest and he silently curses himself for it, feeling ridiculous for being nervous after everything that has already happened. A few days ago he had Ryusei’s tongue in his mouth, so he can’t imagine what there could possibly be left to be nervous about.
That’s not entirely true, though. In all his 19 years of life, this is Sae’s first real date. Sure, he’s had confessions and love notes and such given to him, but he had been content to spend the rest of his life turning them down. He was content with being alone, or so he thought. Now, loneliness is the last thing he desires. It was easier before he knew what he was missing, but things are different now.
Sae craves Ryusei, and craves him desperately, in his entirety. For all that he is, for all that he’s not, Sae wants him desperately. The heat of Ryusei’s body on his has burned and marked his skin in ways that Sae knows will be with him always, regardless of what the future holds for them.
Sae had once thought himself incapable of such romantic feelings, but now they flood his veins, making him feel as though he’s been flooded with light. There is peace in allowing others to care for you; this is a truth Sae can no longer deny.
After showering and dressing himself, Sae looks himself over in the mirror once more. He wears a dark navy turtleneck with jeans, with a tan coat layered over the top. Before he leaves, he grabs Ryusei’s scarf from off the top of the dresser, wrapping it around his neck. In the mirror, he can see his cheeks take on a light pink tint. Sae slips on his shoes before stepping out into the hall, feeling as though he crosses the distance to the elevator in just three long strides. He can’t tell if it’s nervousness or excitement that propels him forward, but he feels his stomach turning somersaults.
When he makes it out onto the sidewalk, the sun is just beginning to set, painting the sky different shades of orange and pink blended like a watercolor canvas. The snow has begun to melt, and the slush coats the streets in dirty piles pushed off to the side. It feels warmer than it has been in weeks, and Sae is pleased that it’s only a pleasant chill, rather than a full blown blizzard. His phone buzzes in his pocket, and he opens it to a text from Ryusei with some kind of silly meme telling him to hurry up, and it makes Sae smile to himself in a way he would have once deemed uncharacteristic of him.
It’s thirty minutes to 7 when Sae finally knocks on Ryusei’s door. Ryusei opens it almost immediately, with a smile so wide Sae thinks it must be painful.
“Took you long enough, Sae-chan.”