Chapter Text
Normally, Twilight avoided cell phones. Sure they were useful, encrypted messages, decent cameras, an easy-to-plant listening device and GPS tracker, but there were too many downsides for a spy. Cell phones could be traced, hacked, or just lost. A few cheap, burner phones bought with cash were good to have on hand, but Twilight typically avoided smartphones.
Loid Forger, of course, owned a smartphone. In an age where even children as young as Anya had one, Loid Forger, busy psychiatrist, father, and husband needed a smartphone.
Naturally, he got one for Anya, so she would blend in at school, and Yor, replacing her old Nokia that Loid was genuinely surprised still worked. And of course, Loid put all three of them on an unlimited plan. Just another crucial detail to selling the Forgers as a normal family.
However.
On a rare day when Loid left the hospital early, he texted Yor to let her know he could pick up groceries on the way home instead of her having to do so. Yor smiled at her phone. Loid was always so considerate and sweet, taking on extra tasks just to lighten her load. She had to let him know she cared too!
Her response: KYS❤️
Loid spent the entire grocery run wondering what he had done to anger her so. Did she really want to go shopping that badly? Did she think he thought she was too incompetent to buy groceries? Was she mad that he asked her go shopping that morning and had changed plans so suddenly? Those three letters haunted him all afternoon. And what about the heart? Was she sick of him? Did she really want him out of her life so badly?
He was on edge when he heard Yor come through the front door. He braced for anything only to be met with her usual cheerful smile and warm greeting.
As she entered the kitchen to help him start supper, he said lightly, “I was a little confused about that text you sent me.”
Yor cocked her head. “My text?” She thought back to their brief exchange about groceries. “Oh! I just said ‘Keep yourself safe’!”
Oh.
Loid heaved a heavy sigh, letting the tension drain out of him. She didn’t hate him, she just didn’t realize what ‘kys’ stood for in text speak.
“Ah, yes that makes more sense.”
“Is…that not what it stands for?” Yor’s confusion morphed to apprehension.
“Well, no. ‘Kys’ stands for ‘Kill yourself.”
Yor dropped the potato she was dicing and spun to face Loid. “Oh my gosh! No! No no no, Loid I would never say that to you! I’m so sorry! I didn’t know! I promise I would never tell you something like that!”
“It’s okay! I’m just glad it was a misunderstanding!” Loid patted the air between them gently to try to soothe Yor as tears poured down her face. “Really, I know you would never say such a thing, that’s why I was so taken aback. But everything’s okay.”
Yor sniffed, but she nodded. “I am very sorry for worrying you.”
“It’s okay,” Loid said.
He spread his arms a bit to make room for her but didn’t move any further. Yor took the silent invitation and buried her wet face in his t-shirt, wrapping her arms around him tightly. To think she said something so awful to him made her stomach drop, but Loid was stroking her back and chuckling a bit, so it probably was okay. Just a misunderstanding. She promised herself she would be more careful in the future.
However.
During an early shift, Yor got a text from Loid. Anya had slept in and missed the bus, causing Loid to scramble to drive her to school. They made it on time, but the possibility of another Tonitrus Bolt obviously stressed Loid out.
Yor sympathized. She knew how important Eden was to Loid as well as knew Anya could be a bit carefree. She was still young, she would understand responsibility as she grew. She was about to text something to that effect when her supervisor appeared over her cubicle.
“Forger! No phones!”
“Ah, sorry boss!”
She immediately tossed the phone in her purse, but the moment he looked away, she whipped it back out. She at least had to send Loid some love to comfort him.
At Berlint General Hospital, Loid picked up his buzzing phone, opening the newest text from Yor. His frustration had gotten the better of him and he vented a little to Yor, though he managed to pull back, knowing that seeing his loving wife would make him feel better. It was a strangely vulnerable moment for him confiding his frustrations and admitting to how besotted he was with her over something so minor and via text.
Her response: LOL❤️
The phone fell from Loid’s hand with a thump.
That evening, Yor was greeted by a depressed Loid and harried-looking Anya informing her that she had broken Papa’s heart. Remembering her last texting misadventure, Yor ran over to Loid moping in his chair.
“Loid!”
“Is my pain amusing? But…” She could barely understand him but didn’t need to to know he was spiraling.
“I said ‘Lots of love!’ Lots of love!!”
“That’s not what ‘lol’ means, Mama.”
Yor whipped back around to Anya. “What does it mean?”
“‘Laugh out loud.’ He thought you were laughing at him.”
“No! No no, Loid I wasn’t laughing at you, I swear!”
Loid looked up at her, though his eyes were too dim for her taste.
Yor flinched but forced her voice to be soothing. “Do you still want to go on a date tonight?”
Loid’s eyes fell to the floor. “Do you?”
His voice was so small, it broke Yor’s heart. “Of course I do! Let’s go get ready and have Frankie come a little early!”
Loid nodded, stood, and slumped towards his room. As he went, Anya grabbed Yor’s skirt and beckoned for her to lean down.
“Mama should prove she cares to Papa.”
Yor nodded at this wisdom. “Any ideas?”
Anya thought for a moment, face scrunched up like when she was working on a difficult math problem. “A bunch of kisses!”
Yor snapped back to her full height, face red. It was still embarrassing to hear out loud, but Anya was right. Loid deserved affection through more than lines of text on a screen. The two Forger women nodded in agreement before Yor pulled out her phone to call Frankie.
She did follow Anya’s suggestion and made sure to dote on Loid all night.
However.
Loid was watching Spy Wars with Anya when Yor texted him that she was almost out of work. He sent back a quick acknowledgement and went into the kitchen to begin supper. Tonight they were having eggplant stir-fry, a favorite of Yor’s. He was just about to start slicing up the eggplant when his phone buzzed again.
Her response: I can’t wait to get home and eat your 🍆👅💦
Loid’s hand shook. His face flushed red from his cheeks to the roots of his hair.
Yeah…she’s banned from texting.
Naturally, this was the exact moment Anya appeared in the kitchen. “What did Mama do now?”
Loid leapt, phone flying out of his grasp. He managed to catch it, but his heart was pounding, his face felt feverish, and worst of all, he had an impossibly perceptive child and her dog staring at him the whole time.
“Mama texted wrong again?”
“Yes…she um, misused an emoji.”
“Which one?” Anya stepped forward, standing on her tiptoes to reach for Loid’s phone.
He jerked his arm up, far above her reach. “She just…used an image literally instead of the way people usually mean it.”
Anya stared at him, really scrutinized him, noting how red his face still was along with his jumpy behavior. The smuggest, most shit-eating grin he’d ever seen formed on Anya’s face and for a moment, Loid knew an existential fear he hadn’t experienced since he himself was a child.
“Mama and Papa are flirting.”
Loid breathed in, held it, then let it out. “Go do your homework before supper is ready.”
Her face fell, and she slumped out of the kitchen towards her room. Bond watched her go before flopping onto his side in the hallway. Loid let his head fall forward and bonk the cabinet.
Of COURSE that’s not what Yor meant. She just didn’t understand text speak. That much was abundantly clear.
Straightening up, Loid slid his phone back into his pocket, picked up the knife, and grabbed the eggplant.
If it took him another five minutes to slice into the vegetable and his face to resume its normal color, that was between him and Bond.
Cell phones really were deadly to spies.