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panic. it was the only thing you could feel, washing over like a tide, but you kept running down the dark alleyways, the frantic steps echoing off the walls of Ketterdam. as you fled, the feeling that someone was still following you persisted and you couldn’t help but look over your shoulder, terrified that you’d see him. this was impossible considering his dead body was currently laying on the floor of a random alley. continuing the path back to the slat, you ignored the burning in your lungs and the aching muscles in your legs, not daring to stop until you were within those walls, with kaz.
after what felt like an eternity you finally arrived to the slat, slamming the doors open and letting them strike harshly behind you, not caring for the people who were likely asleep. once inside you allowed yourself to breathe properly, finally feeling a little bit safer knowing your people were near you, but it wasn’t enough. after taking a minute to let your body rest, you made your way up to kaz’s room, deliberately skipping the part that creaked. as soon as his door was in sight, you pushed the door open and closed it behind you, leaning your head back against the cool surface.
kaz, clearly, had not been expecting the sudden intrusion, and was ready to yell at whoever had decided to interrupt him. when he looked up, however, the words that were on the tip of his tongue died--there you stood, the front of your clothes completely covered in blood and your entire body trembling. he stood up immediately, walking over until he was standing mere inches away from you. all kaz could do was stare at the petrified girl in front of him, his hands twitching at his sides with the desire to reach out and wipe the tears away, or comfort you in any way possible; just as he was reaching for your hand, images of jordie and his bloated, cold body flashed through his mind, along with the dreadful feeling of freezing water trying to drag him down, drown him.
the boy let his hand fall back to his side, clenching his fist and internally chastising himself for not being able to get past his trauma to comfort the one woman who meant the world to him. you stared back at him through teary eyes, the silence in the room suffocating. your own hands were trembling, the blood on them having dried long ago but every time it cracked with the flex of your hands, it brought back the events of the alleyway and the demons that haunt you in dreams. having grown anxious in the silence, kaz is the first to break it.
“what happened, my darling?”
he asked it with such a soft voice, it was enough for the dam to finally break. dropping to the floor almost painfully, sobs racked your body as the weight of the nights events came crashing down, physically pulling you down. kaz was never one to be left speechless or shocked, but this managed to do so. normally, you are amongst the strongest in the crows mentally and emotionally, having only cried in front of them twice; once when you got shot on a heist and thought you were going to die, and once when you came to his office in the middle of the night after a nightmare. yet here you were, completely broken in front of him, and he can’t even comfort you because of his own trauma.
you hadn’t been paying attention to the internal battle your lover was going through, trying to calm your breathing so you didn’t pass out. taking a few deep breaths in, you dug your nails into the palms of your hands, nearly breaking the skin but oddly enough it seemed to be one of the only things that was managing to calm you down. you knew that kaz would never be able to provide the physical comfort you wanted and you had come to be okay with that. all that was needed was his mere presence, the knowledge that he was in the room and that was enough to immediately make you feel safer. so when you felt cold, shaky hands wiping the tears away from your face, it startled you and had you snapping out of your zoned out state, the sight in front of you making your heart swell and tears spring to your eyes once again.
kaz was sitting on the floor in front of you, his entire body tense. his eyes were piercing into yours, trying to focus on them instead of the water that threatened to pull him under. you found herself leaning into his touch, and just when kaz thought the water was going to drown him, it receded along with the haunting sight of jordie's pale face and dead, pale eyes staring at him; instead, all he could see was your face, eyes closed and seemingly at peace with the feeling of his hand on your soft, warm cheek. realizing that the waves were merely lapping at his feet and not rising, he moved his other hand and intertwined his fingers with your own, his thumb slowly drawing circles on the skin. after a few more minutes of silence, you finally spoke up, voice still shaky and coated in fear.
"he attacked me out of nowhere and he wouldn't let me go. i didn't know what to do, kaz."
you had barely managed to finish your sentence before the anxiety and panic washed over you again, flashes of his face twisted in anger and disgust passing through her mind, seemingly taunting you.
kaz didn't need to ask who you were talking about, thinking back on the story you had told him months ago about your tortured past; before you found yourself joining the crows, you had been forced to work in the menagerie alongside inej. after a year of being trapped there, you had long since grown accustomed to the mistreatment of your clients, the bruises and scars no longer bothering you. however, an unknown man had strolled in one day, seating himself at the bar and raking his eyes over each girl until they landed on you. something about this man felt different, more dangerous than the usual scum of Ketterdam. as soon as he had you locked away in a private room, the nightmare began; every time he came in, the beatings would be like nothing you had ever experienced before, and he had even gone so far as to carve his initials into the skin of your inner thigh in one instance when he came in furious. this went on for 8 months until one day, he stopped coming in and you were informed he went out for business in east ravka and likely wouldn't return, and he hadn't--until tonight.
with this knowledge in mind, kaz automatically knew you meant that retched man, and he felt his blood begin to boil and he was ready to storm out of the slat, wanting nothing more than to beat him bloody with his bare hands. he would have done so in that instant if it weren't for what you said next.
"i killed him. if i didn't, he would have finally killed me. so i took the dagger inej gave me and i stabbed him in the neck, and i watched him bleed out before i ran."
as soon as the words left your mouth, you felt a weight lifting from your chest and the realization that you were finally free of him made a small, relieved laugh leave your mouth.
upon seeing that you were finally calm, kaz stood up and held his hand out to you and you gladly took it, tugging yourself back up to your feet. you looked down at your hands and grimaced, the dried blood making you feel uncomfortable. kaz noticed you staring at your hands and squeezed it, gaining your attention.
"right love, let's get you cleaned up" he murmured, already tugging you towards the bathroom. he lightly pushed you inside, letting go of your hand and going back out to the room to grab you a clean change of clothes. he was only gone a few minutes but in that time, you had already stripped off your clothes and climbed into the bath, washing off the blood from your arms and face, no longer being able to stand the way it made your skin feel.
kaz simply watched you, moving to hand you the towel once he was certain you were finished. climbing out of the bath, you turned to look at the man behind you who seemed more nervous than you’d ever seen him.
you smiled at him, the mischievous glint in your eyes that kaz had come to adore finally returning.
“can you turn around please? i need to get dressed, unless you’d like to watch that too” you teased, your smile growing at the sight of kaz actually blushing, something he only ever did with you.
he quickly turned around, clumsily hitting his hip on the doorknob, pulling a soft laugh out of you.
you changed quickly, wanting to lay down and sleep to hopefully forget about tonight’s events.
“i’m done, darling. you can turn around now, or you can continue staring at the door if you’d like” the joking tone in your voice was enough to dissolve the remaining tension in kaz’s body, finally turning back around to look at you. when he did so, he felt the breath get caught in his throat at the sight of you wearing an old dress shirt of his. sure, you had done it a few times before but it never ceases to amaze him at the effect it has on him, and he’d always find himself fighting back the urge to hold you, terrified that the physical touch would suffocate him.
tonight, though, he felt something change in him; jordie came to mind once again, but this time it wasn’t of his slimy, rubbery skin. instead, it was jordie telling kaz to not be afraid, to allow himself to properly love the woman in front of him, and kaz couldn’t find it in him to disagree this time.
taking note of the way he was staring at you, you felt your face heat up and what felt like butterflies to erupt in your belly, causing you to lower your head slightly.
glancing at him through your lashes, you couldn’t help but babble out, “why are you staring at me like that?”
this seemed to snap him out of his head, his lips curling up into a smile. before you could ask him what was going on, he was in front of you, his hand caressing your cheek once again, the words dying in your throat.
“can i kiss you?” he blurted out, causing your eyes to widen. you were shocked because in all the time you had been together, not once had kaz been so open with physical contact like tonight, much less had he asked to kiss you. he noticed your silence and it worried him, causing him to start pulling away. before he could, though, you had placed your hand on top of his, ceasing his movements.
peering up at him, your eyes were flickering between his lips and his eyes, before you finally stammered out a response.
“please kiss me.”
for the first time, he didn’t hesitate and placed his lips on yours, his thumb rubbing your cheek softly as your lips moved together, his being surprisingly soft. you pulled away after a minute, not wanting to overwhelm him too much and also needing to take a moment to breathe. he leaned his forehead on yours, his breathing having gotten slightly heavier.
"are you okay, love?" you asked, wanting to make sure all of the touching was okay with him.
all he could do was let out a pleasant hum, taking another moment to bask in the feeling of you. a few minutes later, he lifted his head and placed one more kiss to your lips before pulling away, the small smile on his face still present.
"i love you, my little crow. nobody will ever hurt you again" he declared, the absolute certainty in his voice making your heart flutter.
"i love you, kaz brekker. nothing will ever change that." you admired, your voice airy but determined.
that night, you both recognized the underlying meaning of your words--if someone ever dared to hurt one of you, the other would burn the city to the ground, so long as vengeance was exacted.