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Your eyes flutter open at the feeling of warmth seeping away from your body. Your boyfriend’s warm embrace is no longer engulfing you, it feels utterly uncomfortable. You begin stretching and yawning while looking at him getting dressed across the room. He only spares you a glance before returning to fixing up his outfit. Annoyed, you huff and puff on the bed demanding attention before the balladeer turns to face you with a sigh
Pierro called for a meeting again, I have to go.
But that’s not fair… you said you will spend the day with me!
You sit up abruptly and scream at the balladeer. He can’t be serious, you have waited for this day for so long, lived on empty promises and unfulfilled plans. Something always happens at the last minute and melts all your hopes. Today was meant to be different, Scaramouche has been doing this big mission for a while now, and you haven’t had any chance to see him for two months. Yesterday night, he showed up at your door, after a long separation, eager to see you hold you, and kiss you. You cried in his arms and hugged him tight as he promised you he would spend more time with you, his schedule will slow down and things would be different. But here he is now, breaking his promise once again.
I can’t control it, you know that.
I don’t care, you promised me. I just want us to…
The words choke your throat as Scaramouche’s cold gaze pierces through your heart. He looks…angry. Why is he angry? Aren’t you the one getting let down? How dare he feel angry at you when he has done nothing but disappoint you?
Stop with this nonsense. You knew the kind of job I have and the kind of life I lead. If you don’t like it you can simply leave.
Your eyes followed him as he got out of the room, the voice of the front door shutting akin to a slap in the face. you didn’t think he would really just up and leave. The balladeer feels worlds different from the man who held you yesterday as if you were the most fragile thing in the world. And now, he shatters you in mere seconds.
It is not out of character for your boyfriend to have mood swings and trouble expressing emotions. But you still expect him to comfort you when sad and to pacify you when his job takes away your precious time together. The man you just saw seemed utterly uninterested in you.
You shake away these bad thoughts and get up from your bed. Maybe a warm shower will wash away the tension from your body and hide the tears in your eyes. And so you drag yourself to soak under the water. Your heart feels empty, and you crave Scaramouche’s touch. You place your forehead on the shower’s wall and surround your body with your arms. Quiet sobs escape your mouth as you try hard to mimic the warmth he gave you earlier when the both of you cuddled on the bed in serene peace.
Maybe he didn’t truly mean what he said. He can’t be so indifferent about you leaving him. With all the secrets surrounding his job, communication has been difficult in your relationship. He can’t share with you the reasons why he spends so much time away, or why people talk to you with so much fear in their eyes from the day you started associating with him. You have sacrificed your social life and traveled far away from your loved ones just to be with him, and this is all he has to say… “if you don’t like it, you can simply leave”.
You wipe yourself dry and snuggle into your bathrobe, you know you have to get up and start your day, but you seem to be glued to this couch, all you want to do is watch tv. Your body shudders as you break into a new wave of sobs, the noise from the Tv appeasing your loneliness. You wonder why, even though you are in a relationship, you always feel so lonely. Would it hurt the same if you were to be single? Maybe then you wouldn’t be plagued with expectations, maybe then you could just have a simple life. Like the one, you had back in Monstad.
The windmills, and the taverns, you miss all of it very often. You even miss the time you spent in Sumeru, although all you can remember of it is running around trying to finish your research and pass your exams. You were on your own and you decided to give all of that up for the sake of love. And at this moment, you struggle to see if it was all worth it.
Hours felt like seconds as you succumbed to a peaceful slumber, far away from all the negative thoughts crowding your head, Only to wake up to the cold hand of your lover slowly caressing your face.
I am sorry
This was the only thing you heard upon opening your eyes, a tired Scaramouche looking back at you. Hair disheveled and face so sulky, for a second you wonder if he felt the same pain as you.
You’re back…
You slowly pulled yourself away from the couch yawning and stretching. You did hear his apology and his current state aches you, but you still chose to minimize eye contact and give half-hearted smiles. Not yet…not so easily.
You get up and yawn saying something about how you need to go to the bathroom. You walk in upfront and don’t look back. You need to separate yourself from the situation, or else you will cave right into his trap. You open the door only for it to be closed again, the balladeer’s body pinning you to it, and his arms trapping you in your place. You stayed there for a second catching your breath, you kept your eyes glued to the floor, staring at an imaginary point, trying your hardest to ignore his burning gaze. Seconds, more like ages passed and he didn’t do so little as to blink, refusing to give you any form of a break.
So you cave, you raise your head, and open your eyes wide, if he is so adamant about frightening you then you can stare at him back. You lock your eyes with his and open wide, not because you want to appear brave, but because you are genuinely worried about him. His eyes are watery and bloodshot, and his under-eyes are as dark as they can get.
Scara…
I am sorry
He keeps repeating how sorry he is as he nuzzles his face into your neck and he sobs silently into your skin.
I… am sorry…
Scara… you don’t have to be sorry… it’s okay.. It’s okay
Don’t leave me
You circled his body with your arms and pulled him into a tight embrace. Scaramouche is begging you to not leave him, and you don’t know why. You thought he was the one willing to leave you and you wonder what is going through his head. But for now you choose to hug him tight and ask about it later.
So you go back to the couch and cuddle to sleep