Chapter Text
The ship sits cold and quiet around him, like a coffin. The Commander's cabin is dark but for the otherworldly glow of the fish tank, where the microcosm lives on as it always has. Kaidan sits on the edge of the bed, his elbows resting on his knees, his head hung, his hands clasped together.
The engines are silent, but the forest outside hums and throbs with the call of birds and insects, the rustle of leaves and the howl of the wind, could he dare to step out into it. They'd quickly learned that nights are rife with stinging bugs and the occasional hulking shadow of predators best avoided, so they huddle inside the dead Normandy like prehistoric man from a thunderstorm, at the mercy of unfathomable nature.
If only he could hide forever.
There is no time for shock, but they're all trapped, stuttered to a halt, inside it. EDI is offline. Joker is uncharacteristically flat. His quips remain, but the gleam in his eyes is gone.
Kaidan hasn't been able to meet his own in the mirror.
They need him to be Major Alenko, but he doesn't know how to be anything at the moment. Loss follows him around, as it had followed Shepard, but they'd chosen this life, where war defines them. It seems laughable, now, that they'd shouldered these burdens willingly, but when he tries to laugh, a sob tears free instead; he knew it was his job to sacrifice, but he never suspected he'd have to sacrifice everything.
"Major?" Traynor's voice comes over the comm.
"Yeah?" He asks quietly as he rubs his face, his voice too loud in the empty cabin.
"No response from the colony, but we've made contact with the fleet, Hackett's waiting on vidcom."
As Kaidan gets to his feet, the lump in his throat tightens and he swallows down a retch. "On my way."
Admiral Hackett looks none the worse for wear, except for the vague purple of a bruise on his temple. Kaidan's jaw clenches.
"Major Alenko," Hackett greets. "I'm so relieved to hear from the Normandy. How are you holding up?"
"In one piece," Kaidan answers, his fingers brushing the rim of the console. "But our VI is down and propulsion systems are offline. Everyone is doing their best to get us in the air again."
"Let us know if there is any assistance we can render. The fleet is not far from your present position and preparing to head back to Earth."
"Any..." Kaidan takes a breath. "Any news?"
"The Reapers have fallen, the shockwave from the Crucible crippled them completely," Hackett says. "The Charon relay is damaged, we're awaiting reports, but I have heard from the Citadel."
Kaidan feels his breath catch in his throat.
"C-Sec has secured the station and recovered Admiral Anderson's body," Hackett pauses, "Commander Shepard is MIA."
The confirmation twists that knot above his stomach tighter, but Kaidan nods. "Yes, sir. We could use any help you have to spare."
Hackett nods. "I'll send assistance once we've assessed our damages. Hackett out."
Kaidan stares into the empty space where Hackett had stood and blinks at the bulkhead.
Ten minutes later, Liara finds him still standing there and gently guides him to her quarters. He slumps into a chair and stares at the floor.
"He's MIA, Liara," Kaidan sighs, after several moments of nothing, "but we all know he isn't coming back. We knew from the beginning."
"I didn't," she protests, immediately, and gets to her feet, pacing across the small space. "Shepard always gave the best of himself, always, but we made sure there was enough left afterwards. He deserved to see the fruits of... this peace, perhaps. For however long it lasts."
"What we deserve and what we get are often very different things."
"Sometimes they're not." Liara shakes her head, sparing a glance for him before resuming her pacing. "But if he's missing, there's hope."
"Hope is worse right now, Liara," Kaidan murmurs bitterly, his words stressed by the clench of his jaw. "I'd prefer a body."
"You don't mean that, Kaidan." Liara's voice remains soft, but he turns away, resting his elbows on his knees as he leans forward and rubs the back of his knuckles across his forehead.
"No, I do." His jaw sets harder. "Hope is a weakness I can't afford right now. We need to stay focused, there's so much to do now, our work isn't over just because the Reapers are gone."
"Speaking of," Liara says. "We should update the crew. Would you like me to take care of that?"
"Yes, please, Liara." Kaidan rubs his face. "The Admiral is sending whatever engineers he can spare to help us get flying again, then we're heading back to Earth."
"And then what?"
"And then we bury him." Kaidan pushes himself to his feet, and Liara stands in silence as he leaves.