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The only thing you felt as you looked at the two little lines was panic.
You hated it; you wanted to be able to celebrate, to be happy that a new little Kiszka was coming into the world. You remembered the first time you’d seen these lines, a little over three years ago now — you and Josh had been over the moon. Your little boy was a blessing, and his existence had brought nothing but joy and wonder since the moment you found out he was on his way. It should be the same for this baby.
You set the test on the counter and sat on the edge of the bathtub with your eyes squeezed shut, hoping for a few seconds of peace as you pretended it didn’t exist. It made you feel worse, actually, and you swallowed around the tightness of tears in your throat.
“Mama!”
You straightened, wiping the few stray tears from your face. “I’m coming, buddy.”
You came out of the ensuite to see JD grinning at you from your bed, holding up the shape he’d constructed out of giant Lego blocks.
“Issa sword,” he told you.
You tried for a smile. “I see, honey.” You didn’t, really, but sometimes the only true interpreter of the art was the artist.
You climbed up with him in bed, taking his sword when he handed it to you.
“Fight, mama.” He held another oddly-shaped sword aloft, and you gently tapped yours against it a few times. He gave yours an enthusiastic whack and giggled when the Legos came apart.
“Oh no, poor little sword,” he said in his sweet voice. You’d started to hear hints of Josh’s unique accent appearing in his son’s, and you loved everything that made them alike. You couldn’t help but wonder how your new baby would take after your husband, and you tried to keep from crying as you brushed a hand through JD’s dark curls.
There was a knock on the front door a few minutes later, and JD looked up from his toys with a delighted gasp.
“Uncle Jake!” he whispered, his eyes wide.
You gave a soft laugh. “I think so. Let’s go see.”
JD had abandoned his Legos and was speeding down the hall before you’d even gotten out of bed. You knew he wouldn’t open the door without you, but you weren’t surprised to see him with his face pressed to the sidelight window, fairly jumping up and down for joy.
“Uncle Jake!” he all but yelled. “And Sa-row!”
Jake was ready when you opened the door, scooping up his little nephew as soon as he came running towards him.
“Hello!” JD cried with a beaming smile.
Jake grinned. “Hi, buddy. I’m so happy to see you.”
“I love you!” JD agreed, wrapping his arms around Jake’s neck. Jake gave him a few kisses on his baby-soft cheeks and let him down to run over to Sparrow when JD reached for his aunt.
“Oh, Sa-row!” JD said, hugging Sparrow's leg. “Hi!”
“Hi, sweetheart,” Sparrow cooed. “How are you?”
“Good!” JD said eagerly. He reached a tentative hand up. “I say hi to baby?”
Sparrow smiled. “Of course. Thank you for asking.”
You felt your chest tighten as JD put a gentle hand on Sparrow’s round belly.
“Baby,” he said appreciatively. He stood on tiptoes to give Sparrow’s belly a kiss. “Hi, baby.”
Your hand fluttered up to your mouth; you had the impulse to muffle a sob before it came out, but you managed to find some self control before you made a fool of yourself.
“Come see my sword,” JD said, taking Sparrow’s hand. You stepped aside to let your sister-in-law come in with your little boy, both of them chattering away like songbirds as they headed for your bedroom. Jake lingered at the door with you, pushing his sunglasses into his hair as he came inside.
“Hiya, kiddo,” he said, giving your cheek a kiss. “How’s things?”
“Good, yeah.” Your voice was tight, and you cleared your throat. “I’ll just go get JD’s bag for you.”
You turned to go, trying to escape to the kitchen for a moment to collect yourself, but Jake put a hand to your arm before you could.
“Hey,” he said, searching your face with a worried, loving gaze. “You okay?”
You nodded, all of a sudden trying desperately not to burst into tears. You wanted to tell him; you knew Jake would listen and try to help, and you knew he would be happy for you when you couldn’t seem to be happy for yourself. But Josh didn’t even know yet, and as much as you dreaded the thought of telling him, you knew your husband should be the first to know.
“I’m fine,” you said after a moment. You managed a smile to try and ease his worry. “Just tired. Josh and I have been...”
You trailed off before you said any more. Talking to Jake was a dangerous game, one you had plenty of experience with; there was just something about him that made it easy to be honest with him, even when you maybe didn’t want to be.
He raised a brow, a hint of teasing in his expression.
“You and Josh have been what?” he asked. “Gettin’ it on all night?”
You breathed a mirthless laugh. “Yeah, something like that.” Really, it had been weeks since you and Josh had done anything in bed other than sleep. He’d been so busy with getting the album finished, doing promo shoots and interviews and last-minute fixes to the recordings; he left home early and came home late, and his patience was shorter than you’d ever remembered it being. He hadn’t tried to be close to you, sometimes actively avoiding you, and you’d taken the hint.
The reminder of the current state of your marriage was a painful one, and you tried to get out from under Jake’s observant gaze before he knew you weren’t telling him the truth.
“Well, take a nap or something before you come over,” he said, thankfully not pressing any further. “Sam and Danny are coming around six, and I’ll probably start grilling whenever they show up. You got time.”
“Maybe I will,” you said. Jake and Sparrow were hosting a dinner party to celebrate the last day of recording, and you’d been looking forward to it, not least because you hoped it would bring your sweet Josh back from wherever he’d gone the past few weeks.
“Did Josh say when he was coming home?” you asked.
Jake’s brow knit. “He’s not here? He left the studio over an hour ago.”
You rushed to mask the surprise and hurt you felt at that news.
“Oh, right, of course,” you said quickly. “I forgot I asked him to pick up something I needed to make dessert. He’s probably just taking forever at the store.”
It was a good lie, since Josh was notorious for getting sidetracked in the grocery store, and you were relieved when Jake seemed willing to buy it.
“What are you making?” he asked, still a little hesitant to believe you.
“Apple crumble,” you said, saying the first thing you thought of. To be honest, you hadn’t decided what you were making, but you guessed you’d made your decision now.
Sparrow and JD came back from your bedroom, Lego swords in hand, and you took the opportunity to get Jake out of your house before you got any closer to a tearful therapy session.
“Let me get his bag,” you said. “Do you want me to move his car seat to your car?”
“Nah,” Jake said. “I got it. Sparrow’s got me practicing for the big day.”
He shared a tender smile with his wife, and you felt like your heart was being torn in two. You pressed a nervous hand to your collarbone to self-soothe as you went to get JD’s bag from the kitchen counter where you’d packed it earlier.
You heard Jake say something to Sparrow; then, to your dismay, he followed you into the kitchen.
“Thanks for letting us take JD,” he said.
You couldn’t help a breath of a laugh. “You’re doing me a favor, Jake.” You’d been meaning to catch up on a few chores this afternoon, and not having a three-year-old underfoot would make it that much easier.
Jake smiled. “Maybe, but I still really appreciate it. Sparrow’s in a kind of ‘nervous-nesting’ mode now, and she keeps freaking out about not having any practice with kids. She’s been begging me to get JD over so she can make sure she sort of knows what she’s doing.”
“She doesn’t need practice,” you said, looking through the open front door to see Sparrow leading your little boy outside with a gentle hand. “She knows what to do.”
“I know,” Jake said, and his voice was affectionate. “I keep trying to tell her. But she didn’t grow up in a big family, you know, and she gets more nervous every day we get closer to her due date.”
You thought almost detachedly of when your due date was. You felt an odd sort of panic; part of you felt like it was written on your forehead, that Jake would figure out you were pregnant any second now just by looking at you. The other part of you, the one you leaned into, distanced yourself from it until it felt entirely unreal.
You handed Jake the little backpack with a cartoon dinosaur on it.
“Sparrow is going to be the perfect mom, and you’re going to be the perfect dad,” you said, meaning it, teasing a little so Jake wouldn’t get emotional. “That’s why I won’t even remind you to make sure my three-year-old doesn’t get a hold of any kitchen knives or chew on any batteries.”
Jake laughed. “Scout’s honor, honey. No knives or batteries.”
You walked him out, leaning against the doorframe as Jake buckled the car seat in with plenty of hovering from his wife. JD gave you a happy wave and a sweet “bye, mama!” as they drove off, and you stood in the doorway for a long moment after they’d gone.
You didn’t bother to text Josh as you went inside. If he hadn’t felt the need to let you know he was going to be late coming home, you weren’t sure why you should bother. You felt numb as you went through the motions of starting the recipe, setting the caramel sauce to simmer on the stove. Maybe you’d decide not to go to dinner at all.
You leaned against the counter and looked through the french doors to the back yard. The trees were bright and colorful with springtime, birds flitting to and fro in their branches, sunlight dappled through the leaves. You and Josh had loved this house for lots of reasons, but the back yard was the big selling point; Josh loved to take JD outside and play, tramping through the woods that bordered your yard, pushing him on the swing Josh had put in one of the trees, lying on their backs in the grass and watching clouds go by.
You imagined Josh with another baby in his arms, one with a tiny fist wrapped around Josh’s pinkie, one who got plenty of whiskery kisses from him. You wanted to believe that Josh would be happy when you told him, but you weren’t sure of anything right now; his distance, his short temper, his apathy towards anything that didn’t have to do with work was a heavy weight on you. Would he be pleased with a baby neither of you had planned on? Or would he secretly resent that it hadn’t happened at a better time?
Those kinds of thoughts circled around and around, spinning like wheels stuck in a ditch. You looked blankly outside and barely registered the sound of the front door opening.
“Uh, holy shit?”
You startled at the sound of Josh’s panicked voice. You turned to see him rushing into the kitchen, grabbing the saucepan of scorched and smoking caramel.
Your eyes widened. “Oh, Josh, I — ”
He tossed the saucepan in the sink, making you flinch with the loud noise.
“What are you doing, baby?” he asked, frustrated and alarmed. “Trying to set the house on fire, or what?”
Your eyes flooded with tears at his tone, but you didn’t let them fall.
“No, I — I just — ”
“Where’s JD?” he asked, a little frantic as he looked around for your son.
You felt like you’d been punched low and hard at the thought that Josh didn’t trust you to make sure your little boy was safe.
“He’s with Jake and Sparrow,” you said. “He’s not even here.”
Josh relaxed a little, though he was still obviously irritated as he ran a hand over his face and turned the stove off.
“I’m sorry about the pan, Josh,” you said, your voice tight and small. “I wasn’t paying attention.”
“You weren’t paying attention. Okay.” He brushed past you to open the french doors, trying to clear the smoke from the burnt caramel.
“That’s great, baby,” he muttered. “Leaves me with a lot of confidence.”
“I said I was sorry,” you said quietly. You couldn’t believe you’d done something as stupid and dangerous as completely checking out while you were cooking, but Josh wasn’t helping.
He sighed. “Yeah, it’s... I mean, whatever. The first thing I saw when I got home was you off in la-la-land and a house fire waiting to happen two feet away, but it’s fine.”
“Maybe if you had been home it wouldn’t have happened,” you snapped, unable to keep a handle on your anger and embarrassment.
He raised a brow. “I have to be home to make sure you pay attention when you’re cooking something?”
You flushed. “No, and I’m sorry I forgot you’ve never made a mistake in your entire life. Forgive me for not realizing I was married to the perfect Joshua Michael Kiszka.”
He rolled his eyes, knowing from your use of his full name that you were good and angry with him.
“Alright, baby. I’m not in the mood to fight.” He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I snapped at you about the pan, okay? Can we move on?”
“Where were you, anyway?” you asked, purposefully ignoring him. “Jake said you left the studio before everybody else. Why didn’t you come home?”
“I met Joe for a drink,” he said, unconcerned but exasperated at your determination to have it out. “Why? Did I have to be home for something?”
“No,” you admitted. “But I...” But what? You just wanted him home to be with you? Why? So you could keep walking on eggshells around each other until one of you finally snapped and started an argument?
You shook your head. “Never mind. You didn’t have to be home, so it’s not a big deal.”
You crossed to the sink and ran cool water over the pan so you could clean it, glad for a few moments with your back to Josh.
“You’re acting like it’s a big deal,” he said.
You scrubbed the pan with a little more force than necessary. “I said it wasn’t, so it isn’t.”
He sighed. You’d heard that tired, defeated, slightly annoyed sigh of his so much these past few weeks you’d started to think it was the only sound he made when he saw you any more. You bit the inside of your cheek and kept scrubbing that stupid pan.
“Can I help you with anything now that I’m home?” he asked. “Do you want me to help you make... whatever you were making?”
You could tell he was trying to smooth things over, but you were still too frayed to let him. The cycle would only start again the next time you crossed paths, just like it had done for weeks.
“No,” you said. The unspoken request was crystal clear — leave me alone.
He sighed again, and you felt your whole body tense at the sound of it.
“Fine,” he said. “I’m going to get a shower before we leave for Jake’s.”
“Fine,” you agreed. “I don’t think I’ll go, but you can go and bring JD home later.”
“Wait, you’re not going?” he asked, and you were surprised to hear a touch of hurt in his voice. “Why not?”
You gave up on the pan and set it to soak, moving on to the other few dishes in the sink. “I just don’t want to go,” you said. “I’m... tired. I don’t know.” You wanted to ask if he even wanted you there, but you bit your tongue before you did.
“Jake’s been planning this forever,” he protested. “He’s been talking about it all week. If you’re not gonna go for me, at least go for him.”
You felt the sting of tears again, the dishes and sponge blurring in front of you as you thought of how easily Jake had read that there was something off with you, how quick he’d been to try and comfort you before he even knew what was wrong.
“Fine, okay,” you said, just wanting to get Josh out of the kitchen before you started crying. “But I need to get a shower after you, so go ahead and go.”
Josh didn’t say anything else as he left, but you could feel his frustration and exasperation like a weight on your chest. You took a shaky breath and kept washing dishes, unable to think about doing anything else for the moment.
“Baby.”
You sighed. “Yes, Josh?” Why couldn’t he just leave you be?
You heard him shift nervously, that one creaky board giving a tell-tale squeak underfoot.
“Is this, uh...” He sounded anxious, unsure. “I’m not trying to pry, but... is this yours?”
You took a deep breath, trying to control the urge to snap at him to leave you alone. “Is what mine?”
You looked over your shoulder and saw him holding the pregnancy test.
“Um... this.”
You couldn’t have bit back the sob that escaped you if you’d wanted to. The tears that you’d held at bay since you’d seen those two little lines suddenly would not be stopped, and your expression crumpled as tears streaked down your face.
“Baby,” Josh said, heartbroken. He left the test on the counter and came over to you.
“I d-didn’t mean for you to see it,” you sobbed, overwhelmed and panicked that he knew. “I’m s-sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?” he asked, completely at a loss. “Sweetheart, there’s nothing to be sorry for.”
He tried to turn you around to face him, to take you in his arms, and you pulled back from his touch.
“Your shirt,” you said brokenly. “My h-hands are soapy.”
“I don’t care about my shirt, baby,” he said softly. “Come here.”
You let him hold you then, soapy hands crumpling the fabric of his shirt, so desperate to be near him that you felt your heart would break with the pain of it. You had missed him so terribly, had needed him so badly; now that you had him close, you buried your face in the crook of his neck and cried.
“It’s okay, baby,” he said. He hugged you tighter. “It’s gonna be okay.”
“I just took the test today,” you said, your voice wrecked with tears and muffled against his shoulder. “I was going to tell you, but I — ”
“I came home and yelled at you,” he said, guilty and apologetic. “I know. I’m sorry, baby.”
You sucked in a hitching breath. “It wasn’t just that. I — I was afraid to tell you,” you admitted in a small voice. “I didn’t know if you would be happy.”
He pulled back from you then. You cried harder at the hurt and sorrow in his expression.
“What do you mean you didn’t know?” he asked. His eyes were glassy with tears. “Did you... did you really think I wouldn’t be?”
“Well, you haven’t...” Your voice was wobbly, pitiful. “I mean, we haven’t been...” You raised a trembling hand to try and brush away the tears that wouldn’t stop coming.
“You’ve just been so unhappy,” you said miserably. “You’re never home any more, and you’re so overwhelmed at work, and you don’t want to be with me. Maybe you don’t...” Your voice broke. “Maybe you don’t want another baby with me.”
He took a step back from you and leaned against the island, looking dazed and heartbroken.
“Josh, honey,” you said, feeling guilt well up to mix with all the other emotions raging inside you. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry. I know it's not true.”
He shook his head. “It’s okay.” He tried to blink back tears, but he had to swipe a hand over the few that fell; he was silent for a moment as he thought of what to say.
“I know I’ve been distant,” he said eventually. “I’ve been so wrapped up with work, and I let it affect things between us. It’s not an excuse, but I want you to know I haven’t been keeping my distance because I don’t want to be with you. The only thing I want is to be with you. I’ve just been trying not to bring all that stress home, and the only way I could figure out how to do it was to just... not bring myself home, really. It's stupid, and I know it's done more harm than good.”
He met your eyes, completely vulnerable with you.
“I’m so sorry I hurt you, baby,” he said sincerely. “The thought that I wouldn't want more kids with you — nothing could be further from the truth. I hate that I made myself distant when you needed me, and I'm sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t share something with me because you were afraid of how I’d react. Especially something like this.”
You took a shaky breath. “So you are happy?”
He gave a watery laugh and brushed more tears away, his cheeks flushed and tear-streaked. “Yes, I’m happy,” he said. “Of course I’m happy. We’re having another baby.”
You could do nothing else but hug him then, wrapping your arms around his neck as you held each other tight. He buried his face in your neck and squeezed you to him.
“Oh, my god,” you said quietly, all of a sudden hit with the reality of it. “We’re really having another baby.”
He breathed a laugh. “We're really having another baby,” he said agreed. “Are you happy?”
“Yes,” you said, and for the first time, you knew it was true. Your panic had come from not knowing what Josh’s reaction would be, not from the idea of having another baby; now that you knew Josh was pleased with your news, you could let yourself be excited too.
You hugged him tighter. “I love you, Josh.”
“I love you too,” he said. He kissed your cheek, then the bridge of your nose, then the corner of your mouth. “I’m so happy and so proud of you, little mama.”
You looked up at him with a wobbly smile. “I missed you calling me that.” He’d called you that all through your first pregnancy, and you hadn’t even thought about him doing it again with this one.
He chuckled. “You don’t have to miss it any more.” He kissed you. “I love you so much, little mama. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have you.”
You framed his beloved face with your hands and kissed him for a long while.
“I missed you,” you said when you broke apart.
He rested his head against yours. “I missed you too, baby. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”
“Of course I forgive you. I love you.” You ran your fingers through his curls. “Just promise to bring every part of you home from now on, okay? Even if you're stressed and frustrated. I want all of you, Josh. I need all of you.”
He kissed you. “I will, baby. You have all of me, I promise.”
Later, in the warm evening haze of good music, good food, and good friends in Jake and Sparrow’s back yard, you let Josh tell your family the news.
“Couldn’t let Jake outdo you, huh?” Sam teased, clapping Josh’s shoulder. “Congratulations, man.”
Josh beamed. “Thanks, Sam. I know you and Danny like to get in all the practice you can at being the cool uncles.”
“Oh, we've already got that down,” Sam scoffed. “Right, Dan?”
“Sure thing, love,” Danny said distractedly, too absorbed in playing cars with JD to really answer. He drove the tiny race car around on the patio table, making your little boy giggle every time he “crashed”.
“Are you excited for the new baby?” Danny asked JD.
“Baby!” JD said excitedly. He put his little hands over Danny’s. “Crash the car, Uncle Danny!”
Danny chuckled and bumped the car into an empty beer bottle with an exaggerated crashing noise, making JD dissolve in giggles. You watched them with a fond smile, thankful that your new baby would grow up just as loved as JD was.
Jake opened two more beers and handed one to Josh, clinking his bottle against his twin’s.
“I knew there was something going on with you,” Jake said, pointing a stern finger at you, but he couldn’t hide his smile. He looked to Sparrow. “Didn’t I say there was something going on with her?”
She laughed. “Yes, honey. You’re a genius.”
You met Josh’s eyes; you saw a flash of guilt in his expression at the knowledge that Jake had known before he did that something had been off with you. You gave him a reassuring smile, and his returning one was thankful and apologetic.
Sparrow put her hand over yours, drawing your attention from Josh.
“I’m so happy for you two,” she said. She touched a hand to her baby bump. “I’m glad our little girl will have a cousin so close in age.”
You gasped. “A girl?” Your question was echoed by all three of Jake’s brothers.
Jake grinned. “Yeah, didn’t we tell you?”
“Oh, Jake,” Sparrow chided, but her sweet smile gave her away. She looked back to you. “We just found out this morning. I wanted to call and tell you as soon as we knew, but Jake said to wait until tonight.”
You squeezed her hand. “That’s wonderful news, Sparrow. I’m so happy for you guys.” You could only imagine how devoted little Miss Kiszka’s uncles would be to her, and knew the only person more wrapped around her little finger than Josh, Danny, and Sam would be Jake.
The guys insisted that the mamas sit back and relax while they cleared the table and tidied the kitchen, and you and Sparrow were happy to oblige. You watched Sam and JD play with Sam’s new puppy; Sam told his nephew to give the puppy “nice pets”, and both of them laughed when the puppy gave JD’s hand an enthusiastic kiss.
“I would absolutely kick your ass in rummy,” Danny said to Jake as they came through the back door. “Get me a deck of cards and I’ll do it right now.”
“You’re on,” Jake said with a grin. He looked to his wife. “Do you know where the playing cards are?”
“Look in the cabinet by the record player,” she advised.
He shook his head. “Already looked there.”
She got out of her chair with some difficulty, and Jake hurried to help her.
“I didn’t mean for you to get up, honey,” he chided. “Sit back down. I’ll find them.”
She smiled and patted his cheek. “You’d be in there for seven years trying to find them, Jacob.”
He huffed a laugh and offered his arm to her as they went inside. “You’re probably right.”
Danny went to join Sam and JD with the puppy, and you were alone for a moment until Josh came back out with a glass of water in his hand.
“Drink up, little mama,” he said, handing it to you. “We gotta start making sure you’re hydrating and resting more.”
You gave a dramatic sigh. “No more ragers and bar crawls, then?”
He laughed. “Sorry, baby. Both of those are out.”
“What will I ever do for fun now?” you asked, looking up at him.
He raised a brow when a John Denver song came on Jake’s playlist. “There’s always dancing.”
You grinned and took his hand when he offered it, letting him lead you a few paces away from the table into the soft grass.
“I’m bringing me home to you,” Josh sang, his voice a perfect compliment to the musician you’d both adopted as yours. He dipped you and brought you back up to kiss you, smiling at the shower of giggles that escaped you.
“It’s all I have to give,” he continued. “My life, my love, my everything — it’s you I choose to be with.”
You smiled up at him, showing him every bit of love and relief and joy you felt at being close to him in this beautiful warm night.
“I love you,” he said softly. “Thank you for choosing me, baby.”
You kissed him, all soft and tender touches, resting in him. “I love you, Josh. Thank you for choosing me too.”