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Callum’s leather boots made a soft thud as he stomped in anger across the plush carpet of the castle corridors. He replayed the conversation he’d just had with Ezran in his mind as he made his way to the sleeping quarters. You should really go talk to Rayla, Callum, his younger brother had said. I think she’s starting to give up on trying to reconnect with you. I heard her asking Amaya for a place to stay. I know you’re upset, but you have got to find a way to work through this with her, or else you might lose her for good.”
Ezran knew that would strike a chord; Callum could pretend he was angry and didn’t want to be around Rayla all he wanted, but Ez knew that deep down his brother still had feelings for her. Callum might be hurting, but he wouldn’t be acting out so much if he truly didn’t care. He just needed a little push in the right direction.
Of course, anger was the easiest emotion to deal with, so that was the one Callum chose to hang on to as he made his way across the castle to find Rayla. He seethed as he thought of the audacity she had to be turning tail again, just because things got hard. Of course, he had been less than welcoming since she returned over a week ago…admittedly, Callum went out of his way to avoid her during their time in the Drakewood, and dropped the more-than-occasional passive aggressive comment in her direction…they had a moment, though brief, after Umber Tor collapsed and he thought she had died, but things went back to their new normal quickly after their return to Katolis.
But still - she deserved it, right? Rayla was the one who chose to leave and stay away. She was the cause of all the pain and suffering he had endured for the past two years. So what if he was being a little cold towards her; it was justified…wasn’t it?
In his distracted state, Callum marched right past the corridor he was supposed to turn down, and had to turn on his heel and backtrack a few steps irritably. He grumbled something off-color under his breath as he searched for her room. Seeing the door was cracked, he pushed it open with more force than necessary.
Rayla was inside, gathering what few belongings and clothes she had on the bed next to an open, empty knapsack. She was in the middle of folding an undershirt when Callum barged in, and she jumped a little at the unexpected intrusion.
Callum remained in the doorway, surveying the scene before him.
“So, what, you’re running away again?” His voice was low and accusatory, with a sharp edge of bitterness to it.
Rayla blinked away the look of surprise, composing herself. Her face betrayed no emotion as she replied calmly. “No. I’m not running away.”
He looked pointedly from the knapsack back to her. “But you’re leaving?”
“Yes.” Her voice was level, almost resigned; a few days ago this situation might have led to a yelling match, but now she was tired. In contrast, Callum’s eyes were nearly bulging out of his head in exasperation.
“How is that any different?!”
“Because,” Rayla said, trying her best not to sound patronizing, “you and Ezran will know exactly where I’ll be, and how to reach me. If we make any progress on how to find Aaravos, I can be back in a flash.” She took a step away from the bed to grab a small slip of paper from a side table and handed it to Callum. He looked down to see an address in neat handwriting he had become all too familiar with. “Bunker 12, second floor, room 213. Just over the moat. I’m not leaving Katolis, I’m just leaving the castle.”
Callum blinked, still looking down at the paper. “But…but why?”
Rayla shot him an incredulous look. “Why, Callum? Because me staying here is making us both miserable,” she said matter-of-factly. Callum finally looked up from the slip of paper but didn’t seem able to meet her eyes. He looked all around the room, eventually settling for picking at a sliver of wood in the door frame so he didn’t have to look at her. When it was clear he wasn’t going to say anything, Rayla continued.
“Think about it, Callum,” she said in a quieter voice now. “You can’t stand to be around me. I can feel it in every interaction we have, hear it in your voice when you talk to me. You can’t bear to look at me, even now.” Callum stopped picking at the wood for a moment but still didn't meet her gaze. “Ever since I came back, you’ve avoided me like the plague, and you’ve rejected every attempt I’ve made to have a proper conversation about what happened. I’m not blaming you for acting that way, that’s not…that’s not what I’m trying to say…” She scrunched her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose as though the conversation was giving her a headache. In truth, she could hear that her words weren’t coming out as she intended and was getting frustrated with herself.
“Look,” she said, continuing. “I fucked up when I left. I know that. My intentions were good…gods, I hope you know that. I convinced myself at the time it was the right thing to do…but I was so desperate to put an end to Viren that I blinded myself to the consequences of my actions. Good intentions or not, I know I hurt you. Badly. And you have every right to be furious with me, or to hate me, or to never want to forgive me.” Rayla took a deep breath. “But Callum…I can’t turn back time. I can’t undo what I’ve done. All I can do, the only thing I can do, is tell you how sorry I am. How much I regret leaving, and even more how much I regret not writing to you while I was gone. I wish with every fiber of my being that I could go back and change things, do things differently. To take back the hurt that I’ve caused you. But I can’t do that. And…I don’t know what else to do.”
Her voice got very small and she felt the sting of tears in her eyes, but she tried to fight them back. Callum continued to stare intently at the door frame, seemingly listening and mulling over her words. Rayla took her opportunity to keep talking; this was progress over her previous failed attempts to apologize where he wouldn’t engage with her at all.
“Callum, to be honest, the thought that you may never forgive me is…devastating. I knew coming back would be hard, and I knew it would take time for things to go back to how they were before, if that was even possible. Hell, I knew there was a larger than not chance that you wouldn’t be able to forgive me at all. I thought I was prepared to accept that fate but…being this close to you but not being with you, not even being friends with you or talking to you at all…it’s absolutely killing me. It hurts almost as bad as being away from you, because even though I’m here physically, it still feels like we’re miles apart…” She let her voice trail off a bit and noticed that Callum’s eyes had traveled to the floor, looking as sad as she felt. “Maybe I deserve this. I know this is all my own fault, maybe it’s only fair that I feel this hurt to help make up for how I hurt you, but…I don’t know how much longer I can stand it.” Her voice was nearly a whisper by the end, and tears were dangerously close to falling down her cheeks.
“Fair?” Callum said, finally turning towards her and gesturing wildly around the room. “None of this is fair!” He took a few steps forward and sat down heavily on the edge of the bed before continuing, resting his elbows on his thighs and his head in his hands. He spoke towards the floor, but at least he was talking to her now. “None of this is fair,” he repeated in a quieter voice. “Not both of us losing our parents at such a young age. Not the weight of saving the world being on our shoulders more than once. Not having to make impossible decisions at every turn, or the amount of times we’ve been in life or death situations…none of it.” He took a deep breath. “You had to go after Viren because of all the things he had taken from you. I get that. I do. But you leaving the way that you did, breaking your promise and then never bothering to write so we knew you were alive…that was a choice. After all the unfair shit we’ve both had to deal with in our lives, you chose to do that. I just…I just can’t understand how you could it.”
The room was quiet for a moment. Rayla slowly turned and sat on the foot of the bed, leaving a respectable distance between her and Callum. “I know. I wish I hadn’t,” she said in a small voice. “And then…I thought I could fix things by coming back. After that first night, I was sure that we just needed more time, that things would get better every day and before long we’d be right back to where we were before…” She sighed and wrung her hands in her lap as she spoke. “That’s why I volunteered to come to the Drakewood, and why I’ve been trying nonstop to get you alone or to talk to me. I just thought being around each other more would speed the process along. But…I’m finally realizing it doesn’t work that way. I know how hard it was for you while I was gone, but it seems like it’s even worse now that I’m back. It just…it seems like it would be easier if I wasn’t always around. At least not in such close quarters. That’s why I’m leaving the castle.”
There was another pause before Callum spoke again, and when he did his voice was barely above a whisper. “It’s not worse,” he said simply. Rayla turned her head slightly towards him and saw him lift his head out from his hands, sighing as he leaned back and stared now up at the ceiling. She was surprised by his words, but didn’t dare interrupt his train of thought.
“I felt…nothing while you were gone, Rayla. I made myself numb. I had to. I shoved every ounce of anger and hurt and resentment as deep down as I could, because I knew those feelings wouldn’t matter if you were dead. The other feelings…the sadness, the fear, the anxiety…I drowned in those. They overwhelmed me so much at first that I couldn’t function. Those first few weeks after you left, I was a shell of a person. I don’t even remember most of that time; I was like I was barely alive. So, eventually, I forced myself to occupy my thoughts with anything and everything else. Learning magic. Helping Ezran rebuild Katolis. Learning about tactical strategy from Amaya. Sword practice with Soren. The only way I could deal with the loss of you was to not let myself feel anything at all.
“Now you’re back. Now, I know you’re alive, and I know that you’re okay. It’s like the most massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and it feels like I’m breathing for the first time in two years. But it’s like a breath of cold air; one that brings relief, but also hurts to take in. All the feelings I’ve been bottling up and forcing myself to ignore are coming back up to the surface. And worse, they’re battling with all the new feelings I’ve had since you returned. The happiness of seeing you again fighting with the anger of you leaving in the first place. The relief that you’re alive, against the hurt that you didn’t stay in touch. Wanting to wrap you in my arms, but feeling like it’s a disservice to the hundreds of sleepless nights I spent in your absence…” His voice trailed off and he lost himself in thought for a few moments.
“I know…I haven’t been handling things very well,” he said when he was ready to continue. “To say my feelings have been overwhelming is an understatement. But being overwhelmed, feeling all these emotions - even the bad ones - is far better than feeling nothing. I can promise you that.” He finally turned towards her, looking at her properly for the first time since he entered the room. “I won’t apologize for having those feelings, but I am sorry for how I’ve treated you since you’ve come back. I know…I know you’re hurting, too. And to some extent, I do understand some of the choices you made. You’ve been through so much, and I know your intentions are always good. That counts for something.”
Rayla wiped tears from her cheeks, not having realized they had fallen until now.
“Thank you, Callum. I wish…I wish there was more I could say other than ‘I’m sorry’. But I’ll do everything I can to hopefully earn your trust back one day.”
He gave her a pensive look, not quite able to manage a smile but still looking appreciative of her words. Callum stood then and made his way to the door, pausing and looking back at her before leaving. “For what it’s worth, I don’t want you to leave. I’m not asking you to stay; I know this is painful for you, too, and I understand if you still want to go. Just…think about it. Don’t leave only because you think I don’t want you around, I guess is all I’m saying.”
“Okay…I’ll think about it.”
Callum nodded. “Okay, then. I…should get to bed.” With that, he disappeared down the corridor in the direction of his suite.
________
Rayla didn’t move for quite some time after Callum left her room. It was impossible to say just how long it had been; she was completely lost in thought, thinking about everything that had been said between the two of them. She thought after having this talk she would have felt better, and in some ways she did…she was able to get the things off her chest that she had been wanting to say since the moment she returned, and yet...something was off. She should be calling it a win, finally able to convince Callum to hear her out. She should be curling up in bed, sleeping well knowing they made a step in the right direction.
But she couldn’t move from her spot. Something was missing, something was wrong in the way they ended their conversation. It was like an itch she couldn’t scratch, and even though she wanted to leave things be, she couldn’t. Rayla finally got off the bed and made her way to the door. She had no idea what it was exactly she wanted; she only knew her heart was leading her back to Callum, and her feet were guiding her to his room as if on their own accord.
Her pace increased as she stepped out into the hallway, and continued picking up with every step until eventually she was running at full speed down the corridors. It was late; everyone was in bed for the night by now, and she didn’t even come across any guards as she made her way across the castle to where the prince’s quarters were. Rayla’s mind raced trying to think about what she was going to do or say when she got to his door, hoping that by the time she got there she would know what to do.
As she rounded one of the last corners, she saw a figure running towards her at the end of the hall. Rayla slid to a stop, her socks gliding over the carpet, and the figure did the same. As they came to a halt, light from a wall sconce danced over their face; it was Callum.
The two simply stared at one another for a few moments, not saying anything; or rather, being able to say everything without words. It was clear they had both been drawn to one another for the same nameless reason. They stayed that way for a moment, both catching their breaths, then in unison they started walking towards one another once again. Just like when Rayla left her room initially, they found they couldn’t stop themselves from speeding up to close the gap between them as fast as possible. They met in the middle of the hallway, slowing just enough to avoid a full on collision as their hands reached for each other. Rayla’s right hand found Callum’s cheek, while his landed on her waist, each pulling the other close until their lips met.
They held their embrace for several moments, swaying a little where they stood. Callum wrapped his other arm around her, cradling the back of her head in his hand. Rayla held on tightly to the back of his shirt as though he may float away if she wasn’t careful. There was emotion behind the kiss; a desperation to make up for lost time, a need to convey feelings that weren’t easily put into words.
Time seemed to stand still. When they finally pulled apart, Callum rested his forehead against hers, having to lean forward more now that he was a full head taller than her.
“Please stay,” he said in a quiet, husky voice. “I changed my mind. I am asking you to stay. I’ll try to handle my emotions better, and to work through all of this with you. But I can’t stand the thought of another night without you near me. Please. Stay with me.”
Tears - happy this time - streamed down Rayla’s cheeks as she whispered back, “I’ll stay. Of course I’ll stay.”