Chapter Text
It was an average Saturday in the UA dormitories. Students lounging around, watching movies, eating snacks, and putting off their weekend assignments. It was a good day outside too, the sky was blue and clear, and a soft breeze rustled the assorted foliage scattering the campus.
It was a completely normal, mundane Saturday.
Until it wasn’t.
It started off tame enough, someone was flipping through the TV channels, looking for something worthwhile to watch. The news channel came up, and soon enough all 20 pairs of eyes were locked onto the screen.
Reporting live from the scene where a middle school student has presumably committed suicide by jumping off this apartment building roof, according to local authorities. Emergency responders were called to the scene, where the 14-year-old girl was then pronounced dead on impact. The student has been transported to Musutafu General Hospital in hopes of revival, and their condition is currently unknown.
"It’s not surprising you know, she was a quirkless girl, I do feel bad for her poor mother though-,
Everything was static, Izuku felt like his head was submerged underwater, he was drowning, the air wouldn’t fill his lungs. He had to leave, he had to escape, he was going to die.
(He should’ve died.)
Izuku ran as fast as his legs allowed, leaving behind a trail of green lightning, and the shocked looks of his classmates as they watched him sprint away. He needed to leave. He couldn't breathe. Everything was too loud and too quiet, too bright and too dull. He was dying, he was dying, he was dying.
He barrelled into his room, nearly throwing himself into the wall. His door closed with a slam behind him, his quiet room now filled with the sound of his hurried breaths, and the dam broke. Izuku’s legs gave out from underneath him, and his knees hit the floor with a painful thud. It didn’t matter though, nothing mattered, he was dying, he was going to die, he was already dead .
He gasped and shook on the floor, collapsing into himself as he sobbed. The tears just wouldn’t stop pouring and pouring out of him. Almost as if there was a faucet in his eyes, and the handles were set to max. He couldn’t stop the thoughts racing through his mind, just like he couldn’t stop himself from bawling over a girl he didn't even know.
But he did know her didn’t he? She was him. He was her. In another universe, that was him jumping off that building. That was him being disregarded on public news. That should’ve been him.
Quirkless people don’t get happy endings, how could he be so naive to think he was the exception?
Three knocks on his door.
Katsuki
“Hey De- Izuku. Can I come in.. please.”, Katsuki sounded concerned, god of course he would be concerned. His quirkless boyfriend just sprinted away after hearing about a quirkless suicide.
He just couldn’t stop fucking up could he. He was constantly worrying people, hurting them, burdening them. That should’ve been him on that roof. He should’ve ended it a long time ago, should’ve saved everyone from the pain of his existence.
(Take a swan dive off the roof of the building.)
He could, couldn't he. He could just end it now, sure he waited a little too long, but he wouldn’t wait any longer. He had to get rid of himself, for everyone else’s sake. It was the heroic thing to do after all.
“-ku, Izuku, can you hear me?”
Katsuki, how did he-? Izuku’s eyes trail to his now open door, the front face covered in scorch marks.
Oh.
“Look at me, hey it’s okay, shh it’ll be okay,”
Emerald eyes meet ruby ones. The concern was evident on Katsuki’s face, and Izuku felt even worse.
“H-hi I’m,” he took a shaky breath, and brought up his fingers to wipe his face. The other boy gently pushed them away, and ran the pad of his thumb across his cheeks, wiping away the tears there.
“It’s okay baby, you don’t have to explain. Just breathe with me ‘kay?” Katsuki softly grasped the other boy’s wrist, and placed his palm on the center of his chest. Izuku obliged, and the pair sat together, breathing in and out, in and out.
Izuku’s breathing eventually returned to normal, and he dropped his palm to bring both hands into his lap. He stared at them intently, anxiously picking at the skin around his nails, and running his fingers over the smooth skin of his scars.
(He deserved more, he needed more.)
“You don’t have to explain anything Izu, but can I know what’s going on in that beautiful brain of yours?”
Izuku looked up to see his childhood best friend, his lover, (his biggest bully, his main abuser). The boy had the deepest look of concern and affection on his face, those red eyes swirling with love and care, and Izuku just couldn’t bear to ruin that. He couldn’t let that affection leave just because he’s stupid and selfish and stuck in the past. For god’s sake they weren’t kids anymore, he’s had a quirk for nearly two years, this stuff shouldn't have him sobbing and shaking on his bedroom floor like a child.
(But it did, because he was still that quirkless kid, at his core he was still nothing, he had nothing. This quirk is borrowed, it’s not his.)
He took a deep breath, and plastered a reassuring smile onto his face.
“I’m okay, hearing about that just shook me up a bit I guess, but I’m okay now!” He hoped that was convincing enough, but he knew it wasn’t, Katsuki knew him better than anyone. Which means he also knows that Izuku didn’t want to talk right now, and just wants to be alone.
Izuku watches Katsuki have an internal battle with himself, his brain and heart clashing. His want to respect Izuku, and let him have his space, against his urge to protect and care. He breathes out a deep sigh.
“Ok, okay Izu, but come to me if you need anything, anything at all. ”
Izuku gives a tight smile, and a small nod of acknowledgment.
Katsuki gets up, and reaches his hand down to Izuku’s. The other gladly accepts it, and is pulled up so that the two are now standing chest to chest. Izuku looks up at the same time that Katuski leans down, cups his palm around his cheek, and plants a small peck onto the boy’s lips. When they separate, Katsuki runs his palm up into Izuku’s unruly curls, and gives them a small shake.
The blond quietly makes his way out, throwing a glance back to Izuku, before closing the singed door behind him as he exits.
A hollow feeling enters his chest, negative thoughts overtaking his mind once again. Izuku wants to hurt, he needs to hurt. He wants to quiet the war in his mind, and rid the numbness from his heart. He wants to feel everything and nothing.
Izuku doesn’t even take a second to think this through before heading towards his bed, lifting up the mattress, and retrieving the tin box of razor blades hidden underneath it. He’s been clean since his mother’s death at the beginning of second year, not wanting to disappoint her any further if she’s watching him from above.
(Why would she be, he already caused her enough problems. Why would she spend time watching over someone as worthless as him?)
Before he even realized what he was doing, his left sleeve had been rolled all the way up to his shoulder, exposing the plethora of scars, all ending before his elbow. Without hesitating, Izuku brought the blade to his arm and swiped it across in a fast motion. The cut was white for a second, before filling up with crimson blood. His thoughts quieted, but they were still there.
He brought the blade to his arm again, shut up , and again, shut up shut up, and over and over again until all he could hear was, silence . Izuku almost let out a tear of joy before looking back down at his arm.
Holy shit fuck, what the fuck did he do.
His entire forearm was covered with cuts, from his shoulder to his elbow all Izuku saw was red .
(The red eyes that looked at him with disgust, the red eyes that see him as the “problem child”, and the red lights of the police cars coming to his house, he hates red.)
He should have a first aid kit somewhere around here right? With how much he hurts himself he’s pretty sure there’s one in his room. His eyes flitter around before spotting the red box tucked away in his bookshelf. Izuku stands to retrieve it, stumbling in the process.
When was the last time cutting made him this light headed?
He grabs hold of the first aid kit and takes out the bandages, tightly wrapping it around his arm, trying his best to not let blood drip onto his floor. He winces slightly at the feeling of something rubbing against his fresh cuts. Finally he was no longer bleeding out everywhere. There was a trail of blood on the floor and a small puddle next to his bed, but Izuku was drained from his panic attack and blood loss. He decided to take care of the mess in the morning. He dragged himself across the room, probably smearing blood in the process, and into bed.
Within a second, all he saw was black.