Chapter Text
In a small town, on a mountain area quite far from Bangkok, Pran spent his days. He got sent away by his mother since he was in high school and he lived with his uncle, playing his music, trying to find little happiness.
All of his music, all of his songs, were Pat-related. For years. He played regularly in a small coffee shop every night, and every day he helped his uncle run an eco-friendly mountain resort. He never went back to Bangkok. He didn't go to college. Being an architect was not on the table anymore.
He lived with his guitar and his dream. What was his dream? It was for Pat to magically found him through his songs. Bangkok was too hard, too dark for him, even Pat couldn't change his mind to go back there. So he needed Pat to find him. One day, Pat would find him, he believed that. He chose to believe that. One day.
Until that day. A regular recorded him singing, and tears fell on his face. Pran was so emotional since it was Pat's 27th birthday. It had been more than ten years. He sang along the lines of "Find me, find me, for I crave for your gaze for so long, oh please find me". He was hoping that Pat would hear him.
No, the video didn't go viral.
That regular turned out to be one of Pat's clients. One day, Pat met with this client, Jake, and they got along quite well.
Jake was impressed with Pat's work. He texted Pat quite often, to talk about their projects and Pat was being Pat, always making sure that everyone is happy.
They talked about a lot of things. About their work, their family, and their favorite things. And Pat mentioned that he always loved acoustic performances. Guitars. Sweet voice. Powerful lyrics. Slender fingers. Sparkling eyes. Pran. It was always Pran in his mind.
"Pat, you know what? I know a singer exactly like that. Oh, I am sure you will love him!" Jake said.
Jake rummaged through his bag to find his phone and he said, “He is exactly like your description. It is so weird, I am sure you don’t know him at all, he is the only singer in our little town! You will love him!”
He took out his phone and showed Pat a video.
Pat wanted to cry because Jake was wrong. He already loved him. And missed him so terribly.
"I've found you, My Pran."
Like a mantra. Like it could magically bring them back together. Like it could make Pat's hand placed on Pran's cheek, wiping away those tears.
"Pat? What's wrong?" he said.
Jake stopped the video and looked at Pat. He was confused.
“Do you know him?”
Pat shook his head. "He's just..." Pat stopped. There's a pang in his heart.
Jake touched Pat's hand, and Pat got back to reality. "I'm sorry," Pat said, smiling weakly.
"It's okay, I know."
But no, Jake didn’t know anything, one thing for sure, though, Pat looked so sad because of this video. Was it because of the singer? Or the song? Or the whole vibe got him choked up?
"I've been looking for him for years."
"He's been playing with the same longing eyes for years," Jake replied.
"Do you know him, Pat?" Jake asked again.
"So well. We're like.." Pat paused. How should he describe it?
"...lovers?" Jake asked.
"No," he answered so fast.
"It's complicated," he added, finally, still couldn't find the best way to name their relationship.
Okay, Pran was Pat's first in almost everything. He was Pat's first friend. Pat's first comrade. The one that taught Pat how to ride the bike and fry the perfect egg. He was... the first guy who made Pat's heart beat so fast Pat thought he was going to die and made Pran panic.
He remembered that day.
They were in the library, working on History homework together (but not really together, they had to pretend that they were not friends - some kind of rivals you might say - so they sat at opposite tables). Pat hated Pran's serious face because he couldn't concentrate at all and Pran should, too!
No, it was not because he hated History. And it was certainly not because some stupid sunlight from that stupid window shone stupidly soft on Pran's stupid face and that made his stupid heart do some stupid irregular beatings. No.
So Pat threw some paper planes at Pran, to distract him (and to distract Pat's own stupid heart, of course).
After the third paper plane, finally Pran looked at him. Lips pouted, certainly, he was annoyed.
'What?' He asked with his eyes. Pat smiled. Finally, he got Pran's attention.
He looked around, it was almost 4 PM, and there was nobody in the library except them (and of course the lovely librarian who reminded them that the library was about to close).
So Pat packed his bag and moved closer to Pran, to sit beside him.
Pran just looked at Pat with so much confusion. "What are you doing?" He whispered. Pat grinned and answered, "Nothing. Have you finished doing your homework? The library is about to close."
Pran glanced at his watch. Three minutes to 4 PM. He put some books on the cart and took his bag, leaving Pat alone at their table.
"Pran, wait!" Pat walked fast to catch Pran.
"So?" He asked again after they both were out of the library.
"So?"
"So, have you finished it?"
"Yes, of course. I bet you haven't finished yours."
"You're right. I couldn't concentrate at all when we were in the library.."
"Why?" For Pran, the library was the best place to study. It was quiet and the nice smell of old books somehow soothed him.
"Too hot," said Pat without thinking.
They were walking home together, but again, not really together, since they had to separate ways five minutes before they reached their houses to avoid getting caught by their parents.
Their parents and their stupid rivalry. Apparently being neighbors fueled their lifelong rivalry and hatred towards each other for unknown reasons so inherently Pat and Pran should be rivals too (but they secretly refused it so they had that weird complicated friends-not-friends relationship).
"Pran, do you want to get some ice cream? It's so hot today," Pat whined.
"I can't. I have to be home in 10 minutes. My parents are going out tonight to my aunt's. I have to home-sit."
"Can we go after your parents leave the house, then?" Pat was so determined to have some extra time with Pran. It was not a new thing, but lately, with Bangkok's summer scene and Pran's extra glow under the sun, he became more persistent to get more of Pran. The reason? Pat really didn't know.
Maybe it was just because Pat loved appreciating beautiful things and what could he say, Pran fell in that category.
"You have to finish your homework, Pat. It's due tomorrow."
"Can I do it in your room tonight? So you can help me?"
Pran stopped walking and turned to Pat.
"What is exactly happening today, Pat? You're asking for help? Asking for my help? The mighty Pat, asking for my help?"
"You know History is not my strength," he shrugged his shoulders, acting nonchalantly albeit the panic in his head. It's true, though, History was not his forte. He's more of a science guy.
"I'll let you know later. Okay?"
"Okay. Thanks, Pran." He felt that he had to wink, so Pat tried to wink, it ended badly, and Pran pretended to gag and run to his house.
"I should work on my winks," he muttered to himself.
Later that night, Pran opened his window, it was his sign for Pat, to let him know that he could come.
Within seconds, Pat already climbed Pran's window. Yeah, he was waiting for Pran.
"You're so fast, Pat."
"Asshole, I was waiting for you to open your window for one hour. What did you do? What took you so long?"
"I was taking my time to eat and read my comic books and shower? Why are you so mad?"
Pat didn't answer Pran's question and he chose to sit on the floor.
"We only have around three hours until your parents come home."
Pran sat beside Pat, so close since it was not a huge space. Their knees were touching and Pat could clearly smell Pran's after-shower sweet scent.
Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Pat's heart did the irregular beating again. It was always like this lately when he was close to Pran, especially when he could take a whiff of his scent.
Pat tried to ignore it at first, but again, Pran's serious face when he explained things to Pat, when he excitedly recited some historical events with his hand gestures, even when he scrubbed his eyes because he said that it was itchy? Everything was making Pat's heart go ba-bump ba-bump so hard it scared him.
"Pat, are you okay? You seem…lost and quiet. Are you tired?"
Pran softly touched Pat's knee, and he looked at Pat, in his eyes Pat could see that Pran was genuinely worried, and that was it for him, his heart felt like jumping up and down, like a galloping horse. His stomach felt funny and he put his right hand on his chest, the beat was crazy.
"Shit, Pran, my heart beats so fast. What the hell is this?"
Pran answered, "You're still fifteen, although it is possible to have a heart attack at fifteen, the chance is quite low. Do you want me to call an ambulance? Do you want me to take you home? Or drink some water while I call 911?"
Pran was panicked, he tried to find his phone but he couldn't find it.
Pat still put his hand on his chest and Pran's hand joined his hand, and the warmth was making Pat sweat.
So he hugged Pat to calm him down.
But no, it was a wrong move.
"Pran, it's getting crazier! I think I'll go home and ask my parents to take me to the hospital!"
Pat was practically flying off to his own house, climbing the window recklessly, leaving Pran alone and confused.
"Pat, wait! Text me if you're back from the hospital, okay?"
Weirdly, Pat felt okay at home. Weirdly, he felt calm instantly. No more throbbing heart when he didn't have Pran in such proximity.
Really? This fast? And instead of aching, he felt so happy?
Oh shit, it seemed like Pat was in love.
"How is Pran doing?" Pat finally asked.
Years passed and Pran was still mesmerizing as ever.
"He's fine. People love him. He has great songs, I think he's too good for our little town," Jake chuckled.
Yes, that's my Pran.
The first few years without Pran were the worst. Pat literally begged Pran's mom to tell him where Pran was. Pat befriended all the teachers and school staff, hoping that they would give him Pran's new school address. But, no. They couldn't give it to him.
Pat went to university with so much bitterness in his heart. He fought with a lot of people, he never dated, and his only sister was so sad because Pat only went home once a year.
But Pat was also smart. It was like he was still trying to be better than someone. He was trying to outdo this invisible being. His GPA was almost perfect in every single semester. Pat graduated and worked at his father’s construction company.
It was like he had some kind of revelation amid his lonely days. He learned to be a better person. He finally grew up, even with the same hole in his heart.
Ten years. Ten years without Pran and here he was, finally he found his Pran again. His lifeless self finally touched the fire that was Pran. Even if it was just on a tiny screen.
"I can take you to Pran. Do you want to meet him?"
A few days later, Pat and Jake drove to the small town, hoping to meet Pran.
Pat's head was full of a lot of 'what if's.
What if Pran was different?
What if they were different?
What if things were changing?
Or worse, what if things were still exactly the same and they were stuck where they left off?
Five hours of driving and there they were. Up on a mountain. Somewhere between seas of tea plantations and coffee farms. It was pretty. Pat imagined Pran's life there, yeah, that would make sense.
His Pran loved tranquility.
Pat smiled. He was getting closer to Pran. Those what-ifs were forgotten for a while.
It was 8 PM and Pat and Jake sat in a corner booth, pretty far from the stage. A little closer to the stage and he was sure Pran could hear his heartbeat before he could see Pat’s face.
Everything was so little here. Little town, little coffee shop, little stage.
The Pran in his memory was huge. His presence was huge, and yet subtle at the same time.
He knew what he wanted, he was so stubborn sometimes Pat needed to drag himself to meet Pran in the middle. Pat didn't mind, at all. He always trusted Pran.
And, there Pran was. With a guitar in his hand, he sat comfortably in his little chair. On the little stage.
Pat froze.
Ten fucking years and Pran still had the same little smile. Just like the last smile that he saw from Pran. The sad smile and tears and the hundreds of I'm sorry Pat and Pat also cried and felt empty -and guilty. Even now.
Ten fucking years and Pat's heart still had the same unique beating, which only occurred when he thought about Pran. A testament that his heart only belonged to Pran.
"Good evening, I'm Pran. Let's get this night started and I hope you guys have a lovely evening!"
Pat really wanted to sob and wail. Ten years, and there Pran was in all his glory. He's getting taller, and Pat could see more mature facial features on Pran now.
Ten years and Pran still sounded the same and even better. He plucked his guitar with some confidence and skill. Pat was beaming with pride.
"Hey, Pran, I bet you can't master this song in one week!" Said a sixteen-year-old Pat one day. It was a classic old song. Always by Bon Jovi.
"What if I can?" Pran asked. It was his third day of having a guitar, finally, after months of saving and living frugally.
Pat closed the music room's door and walked around, thinking.
"If you can, I'll buy you some ice cream!"
"Only ice cream?"
"Ai, Pran... I can't treat you with anything more than 100 baht. You know that!"
"No, I want something else."
"What do you want, Pran?"
"Ice cream and..."
Pran was thinking so hard.
"And?"
"You have to call me King Parakul for a month."
Pat laughed so hard, tears and hiccups and all.
"King Parakul..." Pat whispered.
Now it was Pran's turn to laugh.
"No, I can't. Don't call me King Parakul. Oh no, I can't hear that. It was so weird! I changed my mind! Ice cream is good! Just give me ice cream!"
Pat teased him all day, of course.
"Pran, what if I win? What if you can't play the song in a week?"
It was three days into their bet and they were laying on the grass in their secret pond together after school.
"You're underestimating my skill?"
Pran turned his head to Pat, who was still staring at the sky.
"No, but we have to be prepared for all possibilities, right?" Pat grinned and turned all of his body to Pran. His heart went ba-bump ba-bump when he saw Pran's eyes.
Pat was getting used to it. The funny and crazy heartbeat when he was with Pran, and Pran gave his whole attention to Pat and Pat only. The funny heartbeat was his best friend.
"Okay. What do you want when you win, Pat?"
"I.."
"No, anything except calling me King Parakul!"
"I haven't said anything yet!"
"So, what do you want, Pat?"
"Please write me a song."
Pat won the bet.
The sound of clapping took Pat back into the present. "Thank you! If you guys want to request some songs, as usual, you can write them down and put them in the jar!"
"Do you want to request some songs?" Jake asked.
"No, I want to be here for a moment. I just want to listen to him now. I don't know, I'm kind of scared to meet him now. What if I'm too late, Jake?"
"Too late?"
"Too late to find him."
Jake sighed. This version of Pat clearly had so many differences from the usual Pat that he knew these several months. The loud and confident Pat. This Pat looked small and vulnerable.
"Pat, may I know what was exactly happening between you two? Because if he broke your heart or he cheated on you I can talk some sense into him, we were high school mates, you know?"
"Really? What was he like when he was in high school?"
"He moved to our school in the last year of high school. He was so quiet I didn't think he had a best friend at that time. But we're pretty good friends, though. He lived with his uncle who ran this coffee shop and an eco-friendly resort here. He was so smart, his grades were way beyond us. He got almost 100% on all of the tests.
I heard he moved from Bangkok, but we rarely saw his parents. And he didn't go to college although his grades were almost perfect, and he never goes back to Bangkok, too. I asked him one day and he just said that everything was too big and harsh there."
Pat smiled weakly. "I know."
"So, what is it? Are you the reason for his sad love songs and longing eyes?"
Pran still sang on the stage, it seemed like he still didn't know that Pat sat at the corner booth, his sweet voice engulfed Pat with comfort.
"You really want to know the story?"
Pran was getting better at his guitar skill. Four months with his own guitar and he already played some complicated chords perfectly. He was starting to sing better, too. Pat encouraged him when he found out that Pran's voice could light up the world, especially, his world.
So Pran sang, proudly, with his trusted guitar. In the classroom, with their friends. Freely. Or inside the comfort of the music room, when there were only Pat and him.
His mom warned him, though. If Pran's grades went down, she would definitely get rid of Pran's guitar. Study first, music later.
So Pran always left his guitar in the music room in his school. He practiced guitar after school, and Pat was always with him. Drumming, studying, or sometimes sleeping when Pran sang those slow pop songs. Pran didn't mind having Pat there with him. He loved his company.
It was their usual Thursday when Pat ran through the music room and held a poster.
"Pran, look! A music contest! You should join this!"
Pran grabbed the poster in Pat's hand and read it. Next month, and the prize was good. The winner got ten thousand baht.
And it was a quite prestigious contest, too. A lot of talented musicians would be there and some of them were judging. The other musicians were going to give classes about how to elevate their musical skills! For free!
"Do you think I should go? The contest is on a school day, Pat. My mom will not let me go."
"So what? We'll ditch school for a day. We're still sixteen, Pran! Don't you think we deserve to live rebelliously for just one day?"
"We?"
"I'll go with you, of course! You need your lucky charm, right?"
Pran chuckled and it made Pat smile.
"You? My lucky charm? Bullshit. You just want to be there when I win and become famous!"
"If you're famous, then I am, too! I will be the best drummer in the world to compete with your fame!"
"Nonsense, Pat!" Pran laughed so freely that it warmed Pat's heart.
"I only have one month to find the perfect song and master it, though," he added.
"You're The Parakul Siridechawat. You're going to ace it once you put your mind to it. I am sure of it."
Pran couldn't help it. He playfully kicked Pat's shin and mumbled some thank you.
"So?" Pat asked while rubbing his hurting shin.
"Okay, I'm in!"
"That's my Pran!"
Yes, Pran was so endeared with the way Pat called him "my Pran" and yes, Pat knew and of course, along with King Parakul, it was Pat's favorite way to call Pran. Depending on the mood. Pran didn't mind, though.
One month later, Pat and Pran were on a bus, they were on their way to the contest. Pran was very nervous for three reasons. One, they ditched school for a music contest. Two, what if he played badly and lost, and worse, made Pat disappointed in him? And three, Pat was with him. Sat beside him and it made him too happy he was afraid that doom awaited them.
He couldn't sleep last night and he forgot to take his breakfast with him. And although he planned everything so perfectly, he still sat uncomfortably, his mind was racing with forty bad scenarios.
"Pran, are you okay?"
A tap on the shoulder and Pran turned his head to Pat.
"Mm-hmm."
"Because if you don't feel well, we can go back to school. We'll be late but you can say that you were helping me with something so we're late? It's okay, really."
Pran shook his head, gave his cheeks some tiny slaps, and bravely intertwined his fingers in Pat's.
"Nope. Let's do this, Pat. Que sera, sera, right?"
Pat squeezed their hands softly.
"You will do great, My Pran."
That day, Pran ended up in the top 10 finalists. He lost to some skilled musical school students and although he was quite disappointed in himself, Pat was there to cheer him up.
"I am still proud of you. It's your first contest and you're already in the top 10 finalists? That's so cool, you know!"
Pat ruffled his head and hugged him.
Okay, being lost was not that bad when he had Pat with him.
The contest ended quite late since there were a lot of people joining. And there they were, Pran with his guitar on his back, and Pat with his already messy uniform, in front of their respective houses at nine PM. Pran was planning to tell his parents that some kids at their school asked Pran to teach them to play guitar for school events and Pat was also there because the teacher asked him, too.
"Good luck, King Parakul," Pat whispered.
Pran opened the door and his parents waited for him in the living room. His mom's face was red with anger.
"Where were you, Pran?" His mom asked, her voice was quite loud it startled Pran.
Okay, Pran, you got this. You have planned this. "School, Mom. My friends asked me.."
"Don't you dare lie to your own mother, Pran! I know you didn't go to school today. I know you went out with that kid to join some absurd musical contest!"
"What?"
"Yeah, someone saw you two there and reported it to school, and your teacher called me. I was very embarrassed, Pran!"
"But, Mom.."
"Pran, lying and ditching school? Why are you doing this to your own parents?"
Now his dad spoke. Softly, but still, Pran could feel some coldness in his words.
"Dad, I'm sorry, but I really feel.."
"Go to your room! Now! That's it, you're moving school tomorrow. We're transferring your school. Pack your clothes and your books. We'll take care of it."
"What? It's not fair, Mom!"
"Too late, Pran. Too late. You know that kid only brings out the worst in you and still, you decided to go with him. You know this."
Pran went to his room, locked it, and cried. He opened his window, hoping Pat would get the sign.
And Pat did. He climbed to Pran's window with a red cheek.
"Hey," he said.
"Oh god, Pat? Are you okay?" Pran whispered.
"Yeah, it still stings a little. My dad slapped me."
"What?"
"Yeah, I told him the truth. I'm okay now, I can see you."
Pran put his hand on Pat's red cheek and caressed it so gently.
"I'm sorry, Pat.."
"No, it's not your fault, Pran. You know that. I'm the one that insisted on going with you. It's my own fault, you know?"
"The thing is, Pat.."
Pran told Pat everything that his parents said. Everything. Until he reached the transferring school part...
"No, Pran. They can't do that. No!"
"Shh!" Pran shushed him, he panicked.
"I'm sorry, Pat. I couldn't do anything about it."
"But what about our school? Our friends? Us?" Pat looked at him, pleading, begging, but Pran really couldn't do anything.
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, Pat.."
Pran cried and Pat hugged him, so tightly there was no space between them. He kissed Pran's head while Pran whispered hundreds of I'm sorry.
"Pran, I like.."
"No, don't say that, Pat. Please."
Pran forced himself to look at Pat. Pat was tearing up, too.
"Why?"
"We can't, Pat. You know that."
"You're being irrational, Pran!"
"No, you're the irrational one! How would we survive a relationship, a long-distance one, with our parents hating each other like this, with my parents sending me away to god knows where?"
"We can try, Pran! Don't you want to try? We'll be good together, you know that!"
"I never dare to dream that far, Pat."
"You and me. It is enough. Right, Pran? Please. I don't want to lose you."
"Pat... I'm really sorry."
"My Pran…"
So Pran kissed him. His first kiss was wet and salty, and sad. His first kiss tasted like goodbye.
"You should go back to your room, Pat. I don't want our parents to find out about us like this."
"Promise me you will go back here. Promise me you will meet me again." Pat begged.
"I know you will find me. One day."
So they kissed again, and Pat left.
Pran closed his window.
“Shit, Pat. That was… heavy.”
Pat took a deep breath, and said, “Yeah, I know.”
“And for ten years, you guys never meet each other?”
“Yeah. He changed his phone number, I asked around, but nobody had his new number. I didn’t know where he lived, or where his new school was. He was gone without a trace. It was so scary at first. Of not knowing where the hell Pran was.”
“And he didn’t contact you first, text you, or maybe send you any letters?”
“No, he was dead set on us not becoming a thing. And after years of searching, I have made my peace. We will meet when the time is right.”
“And how about now? Do you think now is the right time for you both to start something? What’s your plan?”
“I’m still scared. I have a lot of questions for him. I kind of feel we have to restart everything, you know, ten years is a pretty long time, don’t you think?”
“So? What are you waiting for? Go, talk to him. You deserve a movie-like reunion!”
Pat laughed. He used to imagine that his reunion with Pran would be some kind of dramatic event. They would hug and cry. They would kiss, oh, they would definitely kiss again. A proper one.
After the fifth year, honestly, Pat gave up on that dramatic reunion scene. A glimpse of Pran would be enough, they didn’t have to hug and all. A glimpse of Pran and Pat would be satisfied. A word from Pran, and he would be alright. He was so tired of trying and hoping.
But now, Pran was sitting on the stage, he was singing and he looked so real. Pat felt like he had to touch him. He had to. To make sure that Pran was real.
The audience clapped again, it seemed like Pran had finished his song.
“Okay, for the next song..”
Pran stopped talking when he saw someone at the corner booth who smiled at him so gently. Pat.
Pat’s heart did that stupid irregular beat again when their eyes met. Finally, after years without Pran, his heart finally had the chance to act up again, to live again.
“I’m sorry, I have to take a break, I’ll be back in ten minutes. In the meantime, please enjoy your drinks, guys!”
Pran put his guitar down and he walked so fast he was almost running towards Pat. His eyes were on Pat, and tears almost fell.
Pat stood up and Pran ambushed him with a bone-crushing hug, Pat fell onto his chair with Pran on his lap. Oh, it was dramatic alright.
“What took you so fucking long, you asshole?”
“My Pran, I finally found you.”