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“I know this is a silly question, but Oka does require me to ask this, so…do you believe in the occult?”
Chojo frowns as he looks up at the vice-president of the Occult Club, Shin.
“What?”
He wasn’t sure if he heard him correctly. He just had to hear it again.
“Do you believe in the occult?”
Chojo blinks.
“Why else would I ask to join the club, dipshit?”
Shin blinks back, unfazed by the insult.
“People are cruel. Maybe you want to make fun of our fellow members.”
“When I look like this?” Chojo motions towards himself, as if to show just how much of a loser he is. He gestures towards his slicked, grey hair, to his eyeliner and eyeshadow, to his eyebags, to his imperfect and impure self—and he scoffs. “Please. You think I could be a bully? The world was faster than me at that. Even if I wanted to make fun of you guys,” he grins, “I wouldn’t be brave enough to do it in your face. So, trust me, you’re good, Higaonna.”
Shin clicks his pen.
“You didn’t answer my question.”
Chojo groans.
“Because it’s a stupid fucking question.”
Shin raises an eyebrow.
“You don’t, do you?”
Chojo avoids his gaze.
“No. Why would I believe in ghosts?”
“It’s much more than that.”
“I beg to differ. Demon, ghost, vampire, werewolf, all can fuck your life hard enough if they try.”
“Why?”
Chojo looks at him.
“Why what?”
Shin taps his pen on the clipboard he’s holding.
“Why would you join the Occult Club if you don’t believe in the occult?”
Chojo sighs.
“Must I answer that?”
“Do you just want to join any club?”
“Well—”
“Why don’t you join Martial Arts instead? Budo’s a nice guy, and Sho is in your class, isn’t he? You would fit in.”
Chojo deadpans, “I wouldn’t.”
Shin hums, unfazed. “The Gaming Club? I know Gema personally. He’s nicer than people give him credit for.”
“That horny gamer freak? Hard pass, my man.”
“Those are really just rumours…”
“He’s a fucking creep anyways.”
“Hm. How about the Science Club? You almost pass for someone in it, anyways,” Shin points at Chojo’s almost-white hair with his pen.
Chojo barks out a laugh. “No, thanks.”
He wonders how much more the vice-president is planning on trying to get him away from the Occult Club. How many other clubs he’ll try to pursue him to join. How much he must dislike him to want him away from his stupid club—a club that barely has enough members, anyways.
Truth be told, the Occult Club is Chojo’s only option. Not only have the other clubs failed him, but they might know more about himself than he does, and that will be useful. And if Shin won’t let him in, then he’ll go to Oka whenever she comes back. And if she doesn’t allow him in, either, then he’ll try to sweet talk his way in by getting closer to those losers Daku, Kokuma or…whatever the name is of that girl that’s related to Zametora.
The Occult Club is his last, pathetic resort.
But Shin doesn’t see that, because Shin has the audacity to ask:
“What about the Drama Club?”
It’s impossible for him to know, that’s fair. At least, that’s what Chojo hopes. They’ve been schoolmates for three years now, but he hasn’t told him a lot about himself. He hasn’t told anyone much except for Hojiro and Unagi, which is so fucking pathetic - that he’d go to cry like a little bitch about how not masculine he feels to the most masculine guys he knows - he just wants to gouge his own eyes out.
But maybe he’s still managed to find out something, and that’s why he’s asking him about joining that club. Maybe he’s psychic. He is in the Occult Club, after all, isn’t he? Maybe he’s reading his mind at this very moment.
“Tsuruzo Yamazaki leads it.” Shin isn’t looking at him as he speaks, instead doodling on his clipboard. “He’s incredibly kind, and quite charming as well. Zametora knows him, and Kaga Kusha.” He shakes his head. “An inseparable trio, those ones… Perhaps you’d fit in.”
He doesn’t know. That’s what Chojo wants to believe.
But maybe he does. Maybe he’s mocking him. Maybe he’s just another one of those people that knows, tries to act like they don’t, and wait for an opportunity to laugh at him—just like Rokuda, like Mizudori and like all of their other stupid friends.
Maybe the Occult Club wouldn’t welcome him, either.
Maybe he shouldn’t even be trying.
There will always be something wrong with him, anyways.
“Well, thank you,” Chojo says through gritted teeth, which attracts the curious glance of Shin back on him, “but I’m not a fucking faggot, so I’d rather stay away from them.”
Shin raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t give him more of a reaction than that. “If you aren’t, then you can’t really use that word, so please refrain from doing that if you truly want to leave a good impression on me and join my club.” With that sentence, he goes back to doodling on his clipboard. “Besides, joining a club led by a gay person doesn’t make you gay.”
“It totally does,” Chojo scoffs, crossing his arms. “Look at all the other clubs led by those freaks like…like Shibakoya and Tsuburaya and such.”
“Well, as far as I’m concerned,” Shin chuckles, “they were queer before joining those clubs. Though, you could look into that, if you want. See? You’d be a perfect fit for the Science Club. You could conduct a research named ‘The queers of Akademi’ and they’d instantly let you in.”
Unamused by his stupid joke, Chojo groans, “I don’t want to join the stupid Science Club! I want to join your club, for fuck’s sake!”
“Why?”
“Because!”
“Because we aren’t gay? You’ll be severely disappointed if that’s the case.”
“You don’t get it.”
“Then tell me.”
Shin looks at him, and it’s as if he can pierce through his soul and actually enter his mind to read his thoughts. His eyes are so intense, and they’re barely even open - how can he look so exhausted yet so attentive?
Chojo looks away.
It’s too much. This is too much.
This was a mistake.
He can’t trust Shin.
He sighs deeply.
“I can’t.”
Shin hums, tapping his pen on the clipboard. It annoys Chojo greatly.
“If you don’t have a reason, then I can’t let you join the club. Especially because you don’t even believe in what we do.”
“Well—I mean, I do.” Chojo looks up at him. “Kind of. I guess. I just…I want to join because…”
Shin’s eyes are fixated on him, and it’s making him so fucking nervous he just wants to sucker punch the guy right in his face. Which would be a bold move, given that he’s heard rumours about him and that gang leader Umeji, as well as Budo Masuyama himself, being on good terms.
So, while he can still think rationally and decide against hurting his possible future club president, Chojo takes a deep breath and confesses, “I want to join your club because you might figure out how to make me be normal.”
Shin doesn’t raise an eyebrow. He doesn’t make a sarcastic expression at all. In fact, he can’t even react at that. He just stares at him and asks, confused, “Normal?”
“Well—I mean—I figured that…”
It sounds stupid now that he’s saying it out loud, but he started it, so he might as well finish it. Looking at the floor, Chojo speaks rapidly, blurring words together and pronouncing others softer.
“You guys have demons and shit, right? So…so, like, you work with demons. You know how to spot this paranormal shit. And you can…like…I mean, I’m pretty sure religion’s failed me, so I might as well come to the dark side, right? Like—you guys can—I don’t know—”
“Are you implying what I think you’re implying?” Shin raises a confused eyebrow, and Chojo has to stop rambling to look up at him. “That—that we should…perform a ritual…on you?”
Now that the guy’s saying it out loud, it does sound stupid. It sounds stupider than Chojo ever thought it could sound. But he still nods—because it’s true. Because that’s the only reason he wants to join.
Because they’re his last resort.
Shin is still baffled.
“Why? Why would you want to do that? Our rituals don’t even work. We don’t even know what could happen to you if we go through with such a dangerous idea.”
Chojo looks down. “I don’t know. I thought you could…”
“We could what?”
“Take the demons out of me or some shit. Make me normal.”
Shin blinks.
“Are you gay?”
Chojo looks up at Shin in a panic.
“What?”
“Is that what you mean by ‘make me normal’? That we could—that we could ‘take the demons out’ and somehow make you…” He doesn’t finish his sentence. Chojo looks down again.
“No, you…you don’t get it.”
Shin smiles softly. He actually smiles.
“No, I do.” He clicks his pen. “I get it more than anyone.”
“Wh…what do you—listen, I’m not—I’m not gay.”
Shin simply stares at him. Chojo can feel himself reddening. How did he fuck this up so badly in such a short amount of time?
“I have a girlfriend, you know.”
“Yes, I’m aware of your ex,” Shin nods, back to his clipboard, and Chojo blushes even more at the embarrassing fact that he knows he’s lying and still couldn’t care less. “But that doesn’t mean anything. I’ve dated plenty of women in the past and I’m still not into them.”
Chojo’s eyes shoot open, wider than before. “Y…y-you mean you’re—”
“I think you’ll make a great addition to the club, Chojo,” Shin looks up at him with a smile. “Club activities are obviously done for the day, but you should stop by tomorrow. I’ll get you introduced to everyone.”
But it’s still bothering him, so he repeats, “I’m not gay.”
Shin nods. “Okay. And you’ll make a great addition to the club.”
“I don’t think you’re listening to me.”
“I am.” He looks at him and simply says, “I know many people, myself included, that have or are struggling with internalized homophobia. You are not the first to come to me with these exact same words, Chojo.” Then he smiles again, that cheeky fucker. “And for that, you’ll make a great addition to the club.”
Chojo wants to say it again, but even he doesn’t believe it anymore, so he keeps his mouth shut. After a moment, he asks, “So, you’re taking pity on me? Playing a sick joke on me by making me join a club full of queers? What, is this, like, conversion therapy?”
“No, that’s illegal, I’m pretty sure.” Shin shakes his head as he puts his clipboard down. “I just think you and the rest of the club, and especially me, will get along.” He smiles. “You’ll like Supana. She’ll make you feel at home. And I think you’re already familiar with Zametora. You know she’s related to him, correct? I’ve heard you talking about it with Hojiro.”
Chojo’s heart skips a beat at the mention of the boy, but he refuses to say anything that could humor Shin. The vice-president of the club clicks his pen again.
“Completely opposite personalities, those two. I never see Supana’s chaotic ways in Zametora at club leader meetings, but I suppose they don’t have to be clones of each other…”
He clicks his pen. Again.
But it’s not annoying anymore.
Somehow, it’s almost comforting.
“We should go. It’s getting late. We might get kicked out if we stick around for longer…”
Chojo hesitates. Is the conversation over just like that? The secret’s out, and Shin doesn’t even care? Hell, he figured it out by himself and he seems pretty damn unfazed.
A part of him had wanted him to react negatively. To spit in his face and tell him he’s disgusting or something. To show him his fear of rejection and disapproval makes sense. But of course Shin had to be a nice guy and ruin everything with his kindness. Chojo isn’t sure whether to laugh or cry or…or if he should even react somehow.
He looks down. Shin curiously cocks his head to the side.
“Is something wrong?”
And he wants to give him a spitting remark, but he just can’t. He can’t make up something and, even if he could, he couldn’t say anything mean to him anymore.
So, instead, he just says, “Thanks.”
Shin, rightfully so, is surprised. “What for?”
Chojo hesitates.
Thanks for what? For showing me I have nothing to be scared of? For showing me I shouldn’t be ashamed of myself? I just got to know you properly since the three years we’ve been schoolmates for and I’m already ready to bow down to you for something so stupid.
Thank you for…existing? For being so proud of yourself it almost makes me want to be proud of myself?
No, he can’t say that. He can’t say any of that. This is the first proper talk he’s having with the guy, he can’t just start worshiping him like a God and throwing himself at his feet.
So, he simply says, “I’m…actually not sure. Just…thanks, I guess.”
Shin smiles, then chuckles.
“You’re welcome, I guess,” he replies, imitating him.
And for some reason, it doesn’t annoy Chojo—it actually makes him give him back a weak smile.
Maybe Shin is right.
Maybe it was okay that he tried.
Maybe the Occult Club is fit for him after all.
Maybe he can trust Shin; at least, that’s what his warm glance tells him as they leave the school together, as club members and, surprisingly for Chojo, friends.
He doesn’t have to deal with those thoughts for now.
For now, he has tomorrow to look forward to.
Maybe he’ll actually enjoy his time in this stupid wannabe cult of a club.
Maybe they’ll find out something about him that he doesn’t know.
Or maybe there just isn’t something wrong with him in the first place.
Maybe…
Maybe he can be okay.
Just for today…
…maybe he can think that.