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“He’s what?”
“He’s abusing you.”
Achillean stared at Thalleous, mouth slightly open. Abuse. It was something he’d known in his heart for a while, but he’d refused to acknowledge it because he loved Ingressus so much.
“I…” He swallowed, his throat suddenly dry.
“I know that’s a lot to take in.” His friend said quietly.
Achillean’s tail curled up on the bed, and he glanced down at his hands. “A little.”
Thalleous had come to his den to check on him after the fifth day he’d failed to appear at training, or anywhere for that matter. They’d chatted for a while on his bed, until finally he’d asked what had kept him inside for so long.
That was another long story.
After great reluctance, Achillean decided it was best to just tell the truth. He hadn’t exactly wanted to come to this revelation, but it was there anyhow—the truth staring him right in the face. His best friend was being abusive.
It was odd, after spending so much time picking himself apart for Ingressus. He was annoyingly self aware, so the moment he was able, he’d reflected on himself. He’d tried to find everything that he’d done wrong, he’d tried so hard to be the monster. Because if he was in the wrong, then surely he could fix it, right? He could fix whatever was wrong with him. He could be better.
But, he quickly realized that if he was working this hard and turning up empty—it wasn’t him that was the problem. He was so, so tired of trying to make himself a bad person, when it’d been Ingressus all along. Him and his toxic, pathetic communication skills. Or rather, lack thereof. Ingressus would sooner see him rot then simply talk. Achillean had made far too many excuses for him, he’d clung to words that no longer held true to their meaning, and above all he’d continuously tried to understand why Ingressus was treating him this way. He'd loved him so much that he wanted to understand him even while he was actively hurting him.
“He told me I was being passive aggressive, and guilt tripping him for not wanting to talk. But I’d given him space. It’d been weeks. He just kept avoiding me. I don’t know what I was supposed to do.” Achillean groaned, burying his face in his hands.
“Guilt tripping how?”
“I was angry, and he kept ignoring me… The only way I could get him to even look at me was by making angry comments about the way he was ignoring me.”
Reminders of all the times he’d been so blatantly disregarded came rushing back and it made his blood sizzle. How could someone be so cruel?
“After you kept trying to approach him about the pain it caused you in a calm and mature manner?”
“Yea.”
“And let me recap—He still stonewalled you, even after you repeatedly tried to talk with him and be civil about it?”
“Yes!” Achillean folded his arms, ears flattening in rejuvenated anger. “I did everything right, I made sure I did! I tried so hard to communicate properly… But he still didn’t say a word. Eventually I had to pick at him just to be acknowledged.”
“I don’t think that’s guilt tripping, Chi. You were an active reminder of what he was doing to you, and you rightfully didn’t let him forget that. He wasn’t strong enough to face someone’s anger. Getting rid of you was easier than taking accountability for his actions. So if he feels guilty for the nasty things he did himself… that’s on him. He shouldn’t have been an asshole in the first place, so why is he trying to blame you?” Thalleous raised an eyebrow.
Oh. That makes more sense. Achillean thought. I’m not to blame. But still…
“But maybe I shouldn’t have been angry about it…” He leaned against the wall, ears drooping tiredly.
“That’s a reaction, Achillean.” Thalleous sighed. “That’s a normal reaction anyone would have when they’re continuously mistreated. Did he expect you to just lie down and take it? What are you, his bitch? Come on.” He rolled his eyes. “Weeks of silence, over and over. Of course you became angry and bitter, you had every right to be, and you certainly didn’t need to hide it either.”
Achillean could already feel the tears pop up again, glistening in his golden eyes. “I was gentle about it before. I was careful, I was patient, I was loving, and he took advantage of it. I wanted him to know I cherished him, even when there were issues between us, but it still wasn’t enough. I was addressing the conflict as an act of love and reconciliation, but he just kept taking it as an attack—“
“And then he tried to gaslight you into thinking your needs were ‘too much’ because you had a not-so-quiet reaction to his emotional abuse. That’s rich.”
Achillean nodded, letting the tears spill over and drip down his cheeks. He’d never get used to hearing that word, not when it meant one of the people he loved most in this world had done it.
“Hey,” Thalleous smiled, reaching out to intertwine their fingers. “It’s good you didn’t shut up about it. A lot of people would have, just to keep someone else comfortable, even if they still suffered. But you didn’t. You knew you deserved to have your needs fulfilled, and that how he was treating you was wrong, so you didn’t quit. You’re strong, Achillean, you’re strong and you refuse to let anyone silence you. I admire that about you.”
Achillean’s ears pricked a little and he laughed lightly, wiping his eyes on his arm. “I really don’t shut up, huh.”
“You don’t, and I love that. Anyone who values you will love that about you as well.” Thalleous squeezed his hand, rubbing one of Achillean’s claws absentmindedly. “I’m still sorry that you had to keep trying to get him to talk, though. I know how much you love him. He should’ve listened the first time. But you had to… scream just to gain his attention. No one deserves that, and especially not from someone who’s supposed to love you.”
“I still don’t understand how he could do that to me.” The Nestoris mumbled. “We were best friends. And then… he treated me like I was worthless. We’d go days without talking, and I missed him so much when that happened. I knew he was talking to other people while he was just putting up a wall for me. It was like I was invisible. I felt like I was going insane, with him ignoring me all the time, and even now, I still don’t really understand why he was doing it.”
“There doesn’t need to be a why. It’s not your job to understand him anymore. If he had grievances, he should’ve brought them up. You don’t need to coddle his emotional immaturity. It doesn’t matter what his tragic past is—It was his job to heal his toxicity and he never did. You ended up being the one he bled on.”
That’s right. He realized. I don’t have to understand him. There was relief in that. He didn’t have to try so hard to look at things from the other’s perspective anymore. He’d gone out of his way to understand Ingressus’ pain, but Ingressus had never bothered to do the same. He hadn’t even apologized. Now, Achillean could simply look at the situation himself and acknowledge his own suffering. The suffering Ingressus had caused. The suffering that never should’ve happened.
“I told him how much it hurt. Many times. And he kept doing it. He kept giving me the silent treatment for weeks… it’s like he was trying to punish me.” He breathed, bringing his knees to his chest. “He told me I was important, that he loved me, and cared about me. Was I a fool to believe that, to have faith in him?”
“No. Not in the slightest. You two were close for a long while, you’re not crazy at all.”
He didn’t like hearing that. Were. It meant that it really was over, and that he had to let go.
“Sometimes it feels like it.”
“That’s exactly how this kind of abuse works. He uses it to control and manipulate you, make you think that you’re irrational and hysterical and selfish. But unfortunately for him I think it backfired a little. There’s only so long you can contain a fire.”
“I’m a fire, huh?” He chuckled. He liked the sound of that.
“Of course you are. In a good way.” The Sendaris winked. “You’re unrelenting.”
He smiled and Thalleous gently knocked their horns together, trilling quietly.
Achillean returned the nudge, absently tracing the lines of the Sendaris’ roughened palm. “I should have believed him when he told me he was selfish. He really is a selfish, childish coward. But he didn’t always used to be like that. I don’t know when I became disposable to him. I just feel so…used. I would’ve given him the world if I could.”
“I’m sorry, Achillean. You’re not disposable in the slightest. He’s just an abusive prick.”
Achillean smiled and sniffed slightly, looking up at the ceiling. “Thanks, Thalleous.”
He could go on about this for hours, about all the anger and hurt and resentment he felt, but there'd be no point. At some point he would start rambling about other things, things that weren’t important anymore. Things like how much of a joy Ingressus was, how only he could make him laugh in the way that made his stomach curl and his entire torso shake, how Ingressus dragged him into every one of his interests and how much Achillean enjoyed it, or how he made him smile just by existing.
Achillean had never been able to describe any type of love properly until he met Ingressus. Somehow he’d single-handedly opened that door, and things that had been so confusing or pointless started to make sense. It’d made him feel things that he thought didn’t even exist. He still couldn’t describe love very well, but now he knew he didn’t need to, because he understood it, and that was all he really needed.
Ingressus had been the light of his life. The world was so much more colorful with him in it. Making him happy was one of his favorite things to do. And for a long time, Ingressus had made him unbelievably happy too. He’d felt safe. Ingressus had given him a sense of security he hadn’t felt in a long time—all of these things, up until recently. How could someone change so suddenly? He knew how much Ingressus struggled to talk about things but he didn’t think it would’ve come to this, to the point of being abusive.
He didn’t think he’d be crying or rocking back and forth on the floor, so confused and upset that the pained screams he couldn’t let out echoed through his skull.
Pay attention to me, please, can’t you see you’re hurting me? Look at me, don’t keep doing this, it hurts so much. I don’t understand, I don’t know what I did. I thought you loved me, why are you treating me like this?
It was like he was a child again, begging his mother to tell him what he’d done wrong, what he’d done to deserve her cold, icy silence. The distress of it was overwhelming. It’d been like that for weeks, with his mind running the same thoughts over and over every time he had a moment to himself. Wondering why, begging to be heard. He’d humiliated himself trying to convince someone to not mistreat him, and that thought made him sick. He’d tried so hard to stay vulnerable, and this is where it got him.
“Hey, do me a favor and promise me you won’t let what he did get to you.”
Thalleous’ smooth voice snapped Achillean out of his thoughts and he turned to him, blinking sleepily.
“It’s a little late for that.” Achillean’s mouth twitched into a broken smile, laughing in spite of himself.
Thalleous huffed with him, shrugging as if in defeat. “Okay, true, true. But you know what I mean. Don’t let him ruin who you are. You’re an amazing person, Achillean. I’d hate to see you stay broken because of him… Ardonia needs more people with your kind of love, vivacity, and openness.”
Oh, to hear someone who verbally appreciated him.
“I’ll try.” Achillean sighed. “But right now I just…”
“Need to grieve?”
“Yea.”
“That makes sense. Do you want me to stay with you?”
Achillean didn’t want to be alone with all the pained, angry thoughts swirling inside his head. And it felt nice to finally be taken care of, to be listened to, properly. Thalleous didn’t find his pain a nuisance. He didn’t want that warm, cozy feeling to go just yet.
“If you could stay, that’d be nice.”
“It’s no problem.”
Achillean let his head rest against Thalleous’ shoulder, closing his eyes. Ingressus’ words still rang through his mind, the ones that had finally severed any trace of the relationship they’d had. It was still agonizingly fresh.
“You can’t be the highlight of my life anymore, Achillean. I care, but I can’t keep up with you. You keep badgering me for something I’ve made clear enough. Leave me alone.”
The funny thing was—Achillean actually didn’t know what was supposed to be ‘clear enough.’ But either way, he finally realized that Ingressus would only ever see his pain as an annoyance, and there was nothing he could do to change that. He didn’t care anymore, and he couldn’t force him to.
Achillean let out a heavy breath, several fat tears sliding down his cheeks. It’d been years since he’d let someone see him cry. But now was as good a time as any, he supposed.
Thalleous squeezed his shoulder, gently rubbing his arm. The Nestoris just made a weak purr in response, his eyes cracking open. It was a little odd—Thalleous didn’t strike him as overtly affectionate or empathetic, but maybe this was a side of him few got to see. Either way, Achillean was certainly grateful for it.
“Hey, when was the last time you ate somethin’?” The Sendaris asked.
Ah. That was a good question. “Uh…”
“That’s one ‘uh’ too long. Let me make you something.” Thalleous grinned, hopping off the bed.
“Ha, okay.” He laid on his stomach, his finned tail flaring out as he stretched.
I haven’t seen Thalleous in ages and yet he’s here right when I asked for him. Why was it so hard for Ingressus to be there, acknowledge my pain, or even say sorry? His ears drooped again as he watched Thalleous fiddle with the fire pit, or rummage through his food for ingredients. I never wanted much.
“Mushroom stew?” Thalleous offered.
“That sounds amazing.” He smiled, watching Thalleous prepare it. He was obviously no chef, but he was trying his best for him, because he cared.
“Do you know if you’ll still go to the Tournament or not?” Thalleous asked tentatively, briefly meeting his eyes.
Achillean’s brows furrowed and his tail flicked behind him, his mouth going slack again. Ingressus going to the Tournament was the idea he’d suggested in the first place, and he’d helped him train for it for months. He’d promised he’d go with him to watch him compete. After all, the competition was one of dire circumstances. It was important to Ingressus… and well, he only wanted to see his best friend happy.
But now, everything had changed.
“I don’t know. I don’t think there’s any point anymore. I’ll hear who the next Champion is from Aegus, and that’s all I need to know.” He mumbled.
Though he wondered now what Ingressus would do if he got his hands on the Primes. Someone that had wounded him so badly and so recklessly—Could he really be trusted with them? Could an abusive person be trusted with them?
Gods, he hated that word. He just wanted the old Ingressus back. Sometimes he dreamt things were back to the way they were, when everything was perfect. He was always rattled back to reality when he woke from those. Other times he even dreamed that Ingressus was there, apologizing to him, genuinely—admitting that he’d been a jerk but that he still loved him dearly and wanted him back in his life. In those dreams, he’d called him important again, he promised to change and be better.
Achillean always recognized those as dreams first. After all, the very premise was fantastical. Ingressus would never lower himself to admit he was in the wrong, let alone be vulnerable. Achillean just looked away even as the apparition spoke, pinching and twisting his skin until he woke up.
He wished he’d never met Ingressus. Sure, the years they’d shared together were fun, some of the best he’d ever had. He’d shown him things he knew he wouldn’t find with anyone else. But if he’d known that he’d screw him up this bad, he never would have glanced his way. None of the fun times they’d had were worth the ache in his chest he felt now. He’d barely been able to move for days.
Ingressus had woven himself into the very fabric of Achillean’s heart, and now he was forced to rip out each and every single thread. Things like this were supposed to have permanence. They were bound neither by blood nor desire but his was the hand Achillean would have held til death. That was how much he loved him. He hated that he still did, even while part of him boiled with rage. The loving part would always trump the hatred, and there was nothing he could do about it. It made him afraid that Ingressus would take advantage of that weakness again.
Thalleous eyed Achillean’s melancholy face from the pit, already having set up the cauldron and gotten out all the ingredients. His tail swished behind him and he chirped softly, gesturing Achillean to him.
“On second thought, c’mere.”
“Hm?” Achillean’s head tilted slightly. Thalleous patted the spot beside him, gesturing to the cutting board.
“Get over here and make yourself useful.” The Sendaris said with a teasing grin. “You can at least cut the carrots, right?”
“Alright, yea, I can.” He chuckled, sliding off the bed and padding over. Once he sat down the board was set firmly in his lap, and Thalleous handed him a rather crude looking knife.
“As long as I’m here, there’ll be no spiraling. You’ve been on that bed for days. Let’s distract you for a bit.”
That was actually just what he needed.
“Sounds good.” Achillean smiled, picking up the first carrot.
“Great. Now tell me about that book you’re reading…”