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Jason was MIA.
Well, not really. He went silent while running his part of the operation on the other side of the facility. And anyone else would agree it was normal. Jason hated being told what to do, hated feeling as if someone tried to control him. On the rare occasions he teamed up with people outside of his own team, he tended to switch his coms off. It was a real miracle to convince him to just stick to a private channel with Oracle.
Except Dick wasn’t someone else. And this wasn’t just some Bat-team up.
He and Jason worked together regularly, in the past year, to the point Jason actually has a safe house in Bludhaven. And Jason never turns his comms off when he was with Dick. Not after that time when Dick had a panic attack on a rooftop because Jason wanted half an hour of peace in the middle of a shared patrol. It had to be a form of proof to Jay that Dick actually gives a shit about his well-being (duh) because he followed the promise with obsessive dedication.
(The first time Babs connected him to the Oracle-Hood private chat Dick almost cried.)
So, yeah. Jason’s comm going down in the middle of the operation was weird. And worrying.
And because of that, Dick can be excused for the speed with which he ran to Jason’s last known location after he was properly done. And if he spends the whole mission being more brutal and aggressive than he used to be, well, this is no one’s business to know but Dick's. If he broke more limbs and was looser with his taser - well, it’s not like anyone was going to die from it. And if Dick tried to hide how his heart started to beat faster the second he thought about Jason being in danger, if he pretended the chill didn’t go through his body at the idea… well, Dick was good at lying to people. Even to himself.
Dick probably never cleaned a warehouse out of goons so fast.
But there was no time to play.
He felt as if it took him minutes, yet an eternity to find the room they were keeping Jason in.
And then, he finally found Jason, and everything stopped for a second.
Jason's helmet was half-cracked, one teal eye visible together with his black and white hair. He was still in full armour - thank fuck - even if his weapons were nowhere to be found. They didn't even bind Jason properly to the chair he was sitting on, and yet he seemed to be more likely to fall over than get up.
They had to have drugged him.
As soon as the realization came to his mind, Dick felt the chills go through his body and his fingers stiffen. Something entirely unpleasant turned in his stomach, and an invisible rope tightened around his throat. His hands were shaking from the fight, the tinnitus ringing in his ears. Cold heat bubbles in his chest, anger and worry mixing with each other. His emotions were dancing in his head and he felt completely out of control.
And so he pushed it all away, focusing on a simple task at hand. Jason. Help Jason. Save Jason. Make sure Jason's okay.
He ran to his Little Wing's side and tried to carefully take off his bonds.
He was gasping, his breath becoming more uneven with every second. As soon as the rope was gone, Jason slid straight into Dick's arms.
"Shhh. Hood, you are okay. You are safe. I've got you" he murmured, falling with exhaustion. Jason was now half-lying in his lap.
"Di'ke?" was soft, way softer than he expected, partially because of the voice modulator.
"Hey Little Wing" he tried to smile at the younger man. "You mind if I take it off?" he asked, pointing at the cracked helmet. Jason wasn't really in a place to protest, but he would prefer to have his agreement. Based on a muffed sound of 'Y-e' and Jason moving his head in a not-quite nod, he assumed he had permission.
A second later, his fingers followed a familiar pattern to disarm and take off Jason’s helmet. He was glad for his muscle memory since he was afraid his trembling fingers would mess the whole process up otherwise. And now he had a shattered helmed in his head.
"There you go."
As soon as Jason's head was free, he leaned into Dick's touch. His lap, his hands, no matter how small or insignificant, Jason reacted to it as if it was a drug.
"Shsh. You are safe, Little Wing. They won't hurt you, I promise" he said, stroking Jason's hair. He knew he might not get another chance to touch Jason's hair like this, not with the way the younger man insisted on keeping his distance. Part of him regretted that he had his gloves on.
But what Dick wanted was only part, a small, insignificant part of it.
The other, the way more important part, was Jason.
In any other circumstances, what was happening would melt Dick's heart. He would love to have this effect on Jason when they were in bed or at least in an apartment. It would mean the world to Dick, if it was a show of trust, of his Little Wing finally being comfortable enough to let all his walls down and show Dick what's behind them. He would rejoice in the situation if it was Jason's choice.
But it wasn't. Jason was tortured, probably drugged. They were the furthest thing from safe. There was a huge chance it wasn't even really Jason, just the effect of whatever they drugged him with.
The thought twisted Dick's guts with disgust and destroyed any pleasure he could feel when hearing Jay's sweet moans. The guilt of taking any joy in the situation momentarily overtook him. Dick took his hand away as if it was on fire.
He didn't want to take advantage of Jason when he was in this state! He didn't! He never... he never wanted to. Something inside him screamed.
"I'm sorry Little Wing" he whispered, as he moved.
But Jason moaned again. And this time it sounded more pleading and sad than happy and content. Dick wanted to do the right thing, but the sounds Jason made were more like a protest, and the words that left Jay's mouth only confirmed it.
“No, Dickie’ don’t leave me.”
It felt like a knife to Dick’s heart. Yet, they also left him confused.
Because he won’t leave Jason, not ever. They are adults, and their lives are complicated, but one word from his Little Wing and Dick would move heaven and earth to make sure they won’t have to be apart. He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to be alone and he would never force Jason if he just knew-
But it was always Jason who left. Jason, who doesn’t want to stay in one place, who wants space, and refuses to tie himself down or just stay with him. The countless times when he woke up alone in bed, colder than ever, despite the fact he slept better than in weeks. Every time Jason ran away from his safe house as soon as they were done with sex as if the mere sight of Dick was a fire.
It was Jason who kept leaving, and Dick who had to live with the void he knew he will never patch up.
“I won’t, Jay. As long as you want me to, I will stay” he assured.
“Don’t leave me, please, Bluebird, please, don’t leave me alone, I don’t wanna be alone, please, Wing-” and he was crying and Dick’s heart broke. And yet, the pang wasn’t all selfless because he felt bad for Jason. Because as much as he hated seeing his Little Wing hurt, in pain, and desperate, he was also angry.
Because it was Jason who kept leaving Dick alone, who chose to be alone, time and time again. It was Dick who had to cry at night, who was kept awake for hours, who was slowly falling apart from the loneliness he didn’t choose, a loneliness he was forced into.
And he could be okay with it if it was what Jason wanted. Dick was used to being lonely. He was. But not… not like that. Not when he had another option, not when Jason was lonely too, and when Jason wanted Dick to be there, to help with the loneliness.
“You are the one who left” and Dick even felt a little bad about how accusingly he sounded. A little. “You keep leaving me.”
“Yea. Cause it hurts less… Everyone always leaves me. No one wants me. No one sticks around. If I leave first, it’s easier. Can pretend it’s my choice” Jay hid his head in Dick’s neck.
Dick wanted to argue. He wanted to yell, to explain. Because it wasn’t true. And Dick was sick at the thought Jason might go forever believing this.
But no reassurance will be enough, right? Not with how deeply Jason has to believe in that.
And it made so much sense, now. Why Jason thought Bruce’s anger meant he was going to be thrown away. Why Jason thought he could lose his place at Wayne Manor. Why he assumed Dick’s rare visit was a rejection and not a result of piled-up work between the day job, college and Titans. Why he keeps rejecting people and acting out when they come closer.
Why he kept expecting rejection whenever he went.
“I won’t leave you, Little Wing. Not ever. How about we go to my apartment? This way, I can’t disappear in the morning” He felt more than he saw, as Jason nodded. One step forward, he's going to prove himself to Jason. And none of them will have to be lonely ever again.
Waking up was one of the weirdest sensations Jason could remember. His head was throbbing, and his eyes and throat were burning. Lights in indescribable color were dancing, breaking through his closed eyelids. The whole world, room, floor, furniture - everything was swirling around him. Something was bubbling, twisting in his stomach.
But he was laying on something soft, the nice smell of lavender and honey filling the room. There was something familiar in the fluff he felt under his fingers when he touched what he assumed was the sheets. Actually, the more he thought about it, he realised the smell he felt was familiar, too.
It was hard to open his eyes, which was the only reason why he didn’t jump awake as soon as something clicked in his mind. But when he finally managed to spread his eyelids, he saw familiar, beige walls and dark doors. A stash of boxes, still unpacked, except for the posters and framed pictures covering every side of the room. Morning light flooded the whole space through the uncovered window.
He was on Dick’s bed. In Dick’s bedroom.
Suddenly he was hot, way more than he ever expected. He could feel how he was sweating, his mind fogged. He was sure he was blushing and he decided to blame it fully on fever.
He didn’t remember almost anything, no matter how much he tried, wanted to remember. All of the previous night was blurry. He remembers the stakeout, the case he had with Dick, but nothing more. The whole warehouse was just snapshots, a bunch of mismatched images.
Jason had no idea what happened to him. How he ended up in Dick’s bed. And he didn’t know which one of these was more terrifying. Especially when he managed to look to the side, only to find the bed empty.
Something painful twisted and stabbed his heart like a crowbar hitting his ribcage.
Jason tried to tell himself it didn’t mean anything. He didn’t even know what happened, so how could he know what it means?
Yet Jason felt as if all of his dreams came crashing down, all his fear confirmed. It didn’t make sense, it was Dick’s home, not a safe house.
But he was terrified of this exact scenario for so long, logic didn’t really matter anymore.
It was only when he managed to drag himself out of the bed, his legs and hands reminding him more of cotton than flesh. He had a lot of trouble keeping his balance for the first couple of minutes. He almost fell, barely managing to catch himself onto the wall, without messing up the position of photos and boxes, trying not to touch them.
Walking was hard, it took him way longer than usual, longer than he would have liked. But he finally stood at the door, a clear look at Dick’s living room.
And he didn’t stop halfway just because his fucking body decided it was tired or sick.
No, he stopped when he saw Dick, shirtless on his own couch.
He couldn’t stop himself from looking at the older man’s bare chest, cursing internally that part of the view was covered by Dick’s arms and a half-empty plate of pancakes.
But then Dick looked up, his sapphire blue eyes meeting Jason’s teal irises. And Jason hated how his heart stopped for a moment when Dick’s worried gaze passed over his body. He’s not some high school sweetheart. He and Dick fucked more times than he can count, for fuck sake!
“Jay, you’re up” Dick’s voice was neutral, and he was putting his plate down and standing up. Which was definitely wrong and not what Dick should be doing. Dick should finish his meal in peace and not bother with Jason at all.
Jason could stand on his own - even if barely - and thus he could join Dick on the couch and ask him about last night.
But then Dick was already by his side, supporting him, touching him.
(It was only then that he realized he was fully dressed… in Dick’s t-shirt and dress. He hoped he didn’t look as embarrassed as he felt. If his cheeks were red he would beg ground to swallow him right now.)
“You still don’t look your best. Do you want to go back to bed?”
“Your bed, you mean?” Jason huffed. “I can get to the couch-”
“You're barely standing. I could get your breakfast to bed. You could relax, get back all of your strength-”
“Just because I got hurt on your watch doesn’t mean you are responsible for my fragile health-”
“I just want to fucking talk to you in peace, but you can’t let me have even that, can you?!”
Dick didn’t move away as he yelled. His face actually seemed to be closer to Jason’s, now.
There was a knot in Jason’s throat as he looked into Dick’s magnificent eyes. Yet the warmth was still spread throughout his body, there was a ball of something nice and fluffy in his stomach, making him feel a little weaker.
And then he blinked, and as if the spell was lifted, Dick moved away, even if he didn’t stop supporting Jason even for a moment.
“I’m sorry. That was… uncalled for” Dick murmured, refusing to look back at Jason’s face.
“What?”
“Jay, you’re still recovering, I shouldn’t be yelling at you and letting my emotion take control-”
“The fuck Dick?” Jason really hoped he heard wrong. “You think I, out of all people, am going to judge you for letting your own fucking feelings get the better of you?” Jason snorted. “It’s not even a top ten angry speech I heard from you. It’s not even in the top one hundred of the angry speeches I've heard in my life. So why the fuck are you sorry?”
“Because I promised myself I’m going to deal with it like a proper adult. Apparently, I forgot how annoying you can be” Dick chucked, but it was a little bit too fake, a little bit too forced.
Jason pretended he didn’t notice. Even if he preferred when Dick wasn’t guilt-driven. Or fake. He had no right to lecture Dick about his unhealthy coping mechanisms.
“Then help me get to that fucking couch and let's talk, okay, Dickie? Because fuck if I don’t want to know what happened to me yesterday.”
“Thanks” Jason murmured, taking the plate from Dick. Dick’s own portion was long cold, but the older man didn’t seem to care about that.
Dick just send a small, clearly fake, smail his way, as he sat on the couch, next to Jason. Seeing this false expression reminded Jason of reality, of the situation they were in right now.
“So. Last night. What happened?”
For a long moment Dick didn’t say anything, only looking at his plate. It started to make something uncomfortable twist in Jason’s stomach. How bad could it be? Besides being weak as fuck and the memory loss, Jason didn’t even feel that ill.
“How much do you remember?”
“Not much. Everything after getting to the warehouse is a blur. And even this is very little. It’s mostly just a blank space.”
“Oh. Um… I don’t have much more for the beginning. You just… went dark. Stopped responding” Jason could see a dark shadow in Dick’s eyes.
He remembered the fear he saw in Dick the last time he cut off contact during a joint patrol. The sound of Dick’s too-fast breathing, the panic in his eyes, the way he clung to Jason for the next few hours.
He couldn’t imagine how it must feel for Dick. At least Jason has the comfort of not remembering what happened.
“I dealt with my part and… went to look for you.”
“Ah, my knight in shining armour. I would love to see it.”
“I might go a little bit overboard,” Dick admitted, and now Jason would really love to see that. He knew Nightwing could get terrifying when he was getting proactive and it was hot as hell.
“I found you and brought you here. You were in your gear… mostly… Your helmet was shattered. I did ask you if I could take it off, but I knew I would have to do it no matter what… It was in pieces, there was a risk of your eye getting hurt… and… they drugged you… ”
The last part was barely a whisper as if Dick was scared of voicing it. Dick was also biting his bottom lip, visibly nervous and Jason knew he wouldn't continue speaking.
Which, as much as it pissed Jason off, was probably a good thing. Because Jason had a storm in his head and needed to sort it all out.
Which was fucking hard, when the only thing in Jason’s mind was that Dick was probably the one to change him. Jason could feel the faint blush creeping on his cheeks at the thought, as the warmth spread through his body.
No matter how much they fuck each other, it was the thought of sharing domesticity, typical for the day-to-day moments with Dick, that make Jason’s heart beat faster. It was the thought of a cheek kiss, cooking together or tending to each other's wounds that made Jason blush like a schoolgirl with a stupid crush on upperclassmen.
But there was more to it, than just Jason’s bleeding heart, yearning for any acknowledgment from the older man.
No, it was the way Dick spoke, the carefully chosen words. Dick was dancing around the topic, his detail as clinical and as lacking as possible. Something was going on, something Dick wanted to keep a secret or at least didn’t want to mention to Jason.
And Jason couldn’t even imagine what it was. Not after the hesitant way he admitted that Jason was put on drugs.
(Jason tried to ignore that nice detail, pushing it to the back of his mind. He couldn’t deal with that part right now, couldn’t think about it. It was too much. But it make sense, why he felt so fucked up, even if he wasn’t injured, why his memories were so spotty, why, why, why-)
Dick averted his eyes, suddenly interested in his cold pancakes. It only made Jason more certain that Dick didn’t tell him everything, that he was hiding something else, something important.
Jason wanted, needed, to know what, as much as he dreaded the answer.
“What else?” he asked, feeling how his voice was shaking. “Dick, I know you’re hiding something from me. I can fucking see it. And I want to know what the hell that is” he tried very hard to not sound as frustrated and desperate as he felt. Because what if one wrong word drove Dick away, pushed him out of Jason’s reach? What if Dick left, taking away the little Jason could have? Even when Jason know fucking will never be enough, he accepted that their tentative friendship will be the most he could get, and he refused to lose even that.
“I… yeah. You are right. You deserve to know and… I wanted to talk to you about this, too…” fuck, the way Dick frowned and bit his lips when he was nervous did things to Jason. Damn it. “I just didn’t know how… and… It’s hard. Kind of. I think I’m afraid. About what will happen, how will you react…”
Something like a broken laugh escaped from Dick’s throat. Jason could feel the panic in it.
“I had a whole plan, you know? How to, ha, how to bring that up. And I can’t. I’m scared as hell. The whole plan is out of the window now and I don’t know what I’m doing. It’s so stupid, I’m so stupid-”
“Yeah, no” Jason stopped him, putting one hand over Dick’s mouth and the other on his shoulder. “Whatever the fuck happened, it’s not your fault. Why the hell would I hold it against you? If you just get it over with, it would be easier.”
Dick chucked, still scared.
“You’re saying that now…”
But he did take a deep breath and reached into his pocket, only to take out a vile. Inside was a thick, semi-transparent liquid with subtle, white coloration.
And as he did, his posture and face changed. Dick became stiff and his face changed into a stone mask.
“They dosed you with truth serum” Dick blurted out, his voice firm, without a quiver. Jason blinked, trying to get himself back together.
Because that was bad.
“You had no filter. You told me things I know you wouldn’t want me to know otherwise. You were incapable of masking your feelings or controlling your actions at all.”
It was the worst-case scenario. No wonder Dick was so fucking worried.
Fuck. Fuck.
Dick knows. Jason didn’t even know how much Dick knew, but just by the way he hesitated and was scared Jason knew it wasn’t anything good. Which of course meant Jason spilled some of his biggest secrets. Probably related to Dick.
Not to speak about what he must have done. Truth serum was bad enough, but mixed with drugs? It was hell. Jason could dig his grave and crawl back to it. It’s the only place he should stay right now.
“It’s hard to say how much of the effects were due to serum and what was because of the mix with drugs.”
Jason’s done. Dick… He wanted Dick to stop putting on this mask as if it didn’t affect him. Jason wanted to be able to read Dick, to know how bad it was, how Dick felt about it.
He wanted… He wants to see the real Dick. The Dick who made stupid puns and bit his bottom lip when he was nervous. Dick who could break down and wasn’t afraid to talk to him. Dick who showed Jason both support and his own vulnerability.
“I took a couple of vials for testing as we were leaving the property and gave them to Oracle. I… kept two. She sent me the first result.”
“You don’t want to talk about Barbie, now. Just go to the point. What the fuck I did do?” Jason couldn’t stop the desperation from his voice. And he saw Dick’s facade for a moment slipping, as the older man flinched.
Dick’s eyes come back to the vial on the table.
“You won’t believe me. You didn’t yesterday” Dick muttered.
Jason was sure he was talking to himself, just by the fact it would be the stupidest excuse Jason ever heard.
And then Dick threw one last look at the vile, as if making his final decision, before taking it again into his hands and opening.
“I need you to know that I fully mean everything I’m going to say, Jason. Babs confirmed I don’t need to drink all of it to take effect and that the majority of negative effects you have shouldn't be a problem without other drugs. So, if you don’t trust my word, you can drink it too.”
Jason blinked, surprised. It was hard to take in what Dick just said as if his words made no sense. He decided to blame it on the remainder of the drugs in his system.
“Dick, what the fuck? Did you seriously just propose to drug yourself for no real reason?
“I feel like it will be a little fairer, won’t it? You were forced to be honest with me yesterday, so I think I should guarantee you the same” Dick answered, with a soft smile, that was way too real. It took Jason’s breath away, and he couldn’t bring himself to protest.
(But then again, he was always weak to Dick’s smile. There was a reason why he left before the older man woke up, time and time again.)
This also meant that Jason was forced to watch as Dick drank part of the liquid, feeling unable to even speak.
“Ugh, this tastes like shit” was what Dick said, but it didn’t show on his annoyingly perfect face.
“I didn’t ask you to do this shit. I only wanted to know what the fuck I pulled off when I was fucking drugged” Jason hissed, but Dick was still smiling.
“Oh, I know. But the second I would tell you that, you would run away. And I’m not letting you go this time, Jaybird” there was a spark of something in Dick’s eyes, something Jason didn’t want to think about. It disappeared way too fast, as a hint of panic and surprise showed up on the older man’s face. “Fuck. This shit works fast, doesn’t it?”
“Nothing can start working in a minute, Dickie. It’s fucking not possible” Jason reminded him. Dick was a better actor than this, he wouldn’t just say shit like this if he didn’t mean it. So the fucking serum probably was working. (Or it was a weird kind of con but Jason didn’t want to think about it. He trusted Dick. He knew he can. He’s not going to start to doubt him now.)
“Unless it’s magic. Which would also explain why Babs had trouble analysing it. And if they have access to magic, then it would make sense how they took you down easier than expected. But that’s opening another problem: how didn’t we know about it before? We were on this case for weeks, how did both of us miss something so big? Access to magic is not so common that it could just happen …”
“Which means they are better than we thought” Jason summarised.
“Oh, yeah. And that Babs should call Zatana or Lilith to check it out, too. It might be a good lead. Better than anything we had before, considering I was sure we finished them off already…” Dick bit his bottom lip, worry visible in his eyes.
And Jason could understand it. It was frustrating as hell. They thought they were done with the case and now they found out they barely scratched the surface. And their best lead might be gone because they didn’t check their data well enough.
But it was a problem for later.
Dick needed a distraction, to not get back into his spiral of guilt-tripping.
And Jason still needed answers.
“We are going to take care of it later. I think we were supposed to talk about something else, right?”
Dick barely flinched.
“Oh, right. I promised you, didn’t I?” he chucked, without any real humour.
“Dick-”
But when Dick looked at him, there was something broken in his expression. Just from the pain in his eyes Jason knew whatever was going to be talked about now, was already hurting Dick.
“You begged me not to leave you” oh, fuck. “You asked me to stay. You initiated so much contact under the drugs, you wanted me to touch you, to hold you and… Fuck…”
Dick needed to take a couple of deep breaths, which was a blessing for Jason. His brain need time to process what Dick was telling him, what he heard.
“You wanted me close. You didn’t want sex at all, you just wanted a hug, for me to play with your hair.”
Jason could imagine it, for every time he fantasised about it. Lying on Dick’s couch, his head in Dick’s lap, Dick’s bare hands in his hair, playing with his locks, twisting them on his long fingers…
He imagined it when he was lonely and cold. When he was high on cuddle pollen and needed another person’s warmth but the only thing he had was a poor imitation.
He thought about how it would be to hold Dick’s hand, their fingers laced together. About Dick putting his head on Jason’s shoulder when they watched the movie.
He dreamed about falling asleep with Dick in his arms and waking up to his face. Except, in these dreams he could watch how Dick slowly opened his eyes, smiling at him with soft light in his eyes.
In these dreams, Dick always said I love you, and Jason could taste his sweet lips whenever he wanted.
But dreams weren’t for Jason. Dreams never were for people like him. Jason was too broken to be loved.
“And all this time, I had to listen to your sweet moans. You loved this touch so much, Little Wing. And I had to keep wondering, why don’t you ever let me do it?”
The answer was simple. Because Jason was smart. Because he already knew he would want more, that if they do it once, he will never be able to let go.
“And I couldn’t listen to it. Because you keep crying, begging. You kept asking me for touches you wouldn’t normally want, you keep asking me to stay.”
And part of Jason regretted so much that he couldn’t remember it, couldn’t remember how it was to have Dick’s fingers in his hair, touching him softly without the roughness of sex or aggression of the sparring.
“And you know what was the fucking worse? That you have no fucking right to ask me that. It’s the only thing that keeps being stuck in my head, no matter how much I try to push it away. I did not want you to ever know that I ever thought that. But I just keep thinking about it. You had no right to ask that. I hated that you asked that.”
Jason knew. He knew he had no right to ask Dick for anything.
Dick was like a sun, worshiped by everyone, shining on the earth and pushing things to grow. Dick was so good, The best among them, the only good thing that came from Bruce, from his endless crusade.
Dick was daring of the hero community and Jason was just a mistake of the universe.
“You know how many times I woke up to an empty bed? How many times I touched the sheets and pillow to find them fucking cold? How many times have I looked at the pillow after we had sex to see nothing?!”
Dick was yelling, and this sounded like an accusation, but it wasn’t what Jason was expecting, and he didn’t know what to do with it.
“Do you know? Every time you come by, every time we ended up on a stakeout or eating together or fucking, I keep hoping that maybe this time, I will at least wake up with you. That I won’t be alone, that I will see your face, in the morning light, and maybe we would be able to get coffee or breakfast at the bakery two blocks from here. I… I wanted you there. I didn’t want to be alone. But you kept leaving…”
Jason realises Dick is holding back tears, but it doesn’t make sense, because it sounds as if Dick wanted him and it can’t be right. Because why would Dick Grayson ever want someone like Jason Todd?
“You know how fucking hard it was? To teach myself to be okay with you leaving? And then you were in my arms, asking for everything I ever wanted to give you, after leaving me alone, time and time again. And I hated it. I couldn’t understand it. Why do you keep leaving, if you wanted me there as much as I wanted you? Why do we have to be alone, if we both wanted the same thing?”
“... Because you can’t give me what I want. You can’t stay forever. And it hurts less if…”
“... If it feels as if it was your choice, at least in some way” Dick finished. “That’s what you told me yesterday… “ Dick looked down. “You are right. I can’t promise you to stay forever. You never know how long a relationship is going to last. When I was nineteen, I thought I was going to stay forever with Kori, but we broke up before I was even legally able to drink. Then I thought I will be forever with Babs, but we just ended up dancing around each other for years, on again, off again. And I don’t know how long it will be if we try. I hope it will be forever. I want it to be forever. But it’s not something we’re going to know unless we try.”
“I don’t want to lose you” Jason heard himself whispering.
“You won't,” Dick hesitated before he grabbed Jason’s hands. Jason’s heart started to beat faster at the contact and he was sure his checks were now fully pink. “I can promise you, as long as we are both breathing you won’t lose me. We will always be friends, and family, even if… Even if being together won’t work out. It might take time before we will come back to the level of comfort we had before, but you know I’m still friends with Babs in Kori. I can promise you, if it won’t work out, we will come back, too.”
“You are really hung up on this not working” Jason tried to joke, but it didn’t work out as he planned. Dick let go of his hands, and Jason mourned the loss of the warmth of Dick’s skin.
“Because it’s the only thing you think about. I needed to be prepared for it” he put a small smile on his face, even if Jason knew it was as much sad as it was fake. “You never let yourself think about the best, Little Wing.”
“Because life never lets me have anything good” Jason pointed out.
“We can change that. Or we can do our best to try. If you convince yourself you can’t have happiness, you are going to miss it when it will be right in front of you.”
Jason gulped.
“And what if I tell you no?”
“I will back off. We keep doing what we are doing, pretending it didn’t happen until one of us will move on.”
“So you will keep hurting yourself” Jason slowly realized.
“Less than if we treated it as a break-up” Dick laughed.
“Fuck you. You think you can just martyr yourself? You told me you are hurt by how I treat you and that you will let it continue if I just say so? Why the fuck would you do that?!”
“Because I fucking love you! I love you and I will take being with you in any way I can get! I want you to be fucking happy, but you don’t let yourself, so I can get the next best option!” Dick yelled, before doing his best to calm himself down. “I know how hard dealing with trauma can be. I know it won’t just get away. But I needed you to know the option was on the table. That I… I’m willing to wait and work for… for us. However long you will need. Just tell me. Should I fuck off? Do you even want me to wait?..”
Dick was silent, finally done with his piece. And Jason was left thinking.
It felt like too much.
It felt like not enough.
The words, the I love you that fell from Dick’s mouth were overwhelming. It was more than Jason dreamed of, it was everything he ever wanted.
(He wondered, briefly, if he was able to say the same to Dick, while under the truth serum. If Dick knew how he felt. Because Dick deserved to know and Jason was sure he won’t find it in himself to say the words back at Dick any time soon.)
And Jason wanted to hear it again. Jason wanted to hear it forever. Jason wanted to close the space between him and Dick and kiss the older man’s dreamy lips, the way he always did in his dreams.
But it wasn’t everything there could be. It wasn’t everything there was.
Sometimes, honesty could be the greatest weapon.
Jason knew Dick didn’t want to force him to make a choice, didn’t want him to feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. But it was exactly how he felt now.
Either he will force himself to deal with his problems, move on, try to stay and build a relationship he’s so afraid of or he will lose Dick. Or worse, he will keep hurting him.
It was the hardest choice Jason was ever forced to make.
It was the easiest thing to do.
“I want you” he finally whispered. “I want… I want to take it slow. Get from where we are… to actually… dating, but slowly. But I want to. I want to build something with you, Dickie. Even if I can’t promise you it will be easy…”
But in that one moment, he knew just the beaming look on Dick’s face was worth it.
“Of course. We will go as slow as you need.”
“Good… That’s… Can I kiss you?” he whispered.
“Yes, fuck, please.”
And so he did.
And, in the end, part of Jason started to hope it’ll be okay.