Work Text:
Scene XV: FILING ROOM
(A version of Heaven's head office that predates time. There is a photocopier in one corner that prints clay tablets.
Two figures burst in, both in the angelic robes of lower ranks. One, CROWLEY, starts pulling multiple manuals out in agitation. The other, AZIRAPHALE, trails behind, sealing the entrance behind them with a gesture.)
AZIRAPHALE:
What was that? A Town Hall to reveal the final design, and you start querying why it's even an orb?
CROWLEY:
Why do the planet things have to be orb shaped anyway? What's wrong with a rhombus?
AZIRAPHALE:
Why couldn't you have stayed quiet for once, instead of joining in a scandal?
I hope you're happy
I hope you're happy now!
I hope you're happy how you've been marked forever
With that lot that thinks they're clever!
CROWLEY:
I hope you're happy
I hope you're happy too!
I hope you're proud you would grovel with contrition
And plead for intermission
BOTH:
So though I can't imagine how
I hope you're happy
Right now
AZIRAPHALE:
(Softly)
Good fellow, just say you're sorry, it's not too late.
I'm sure She will deliver
Your concerns won't be ignored
If you could only wait until you were prompted...
CROWLEY:
I could do
Still could do
But that's a bore
Tired of weird decrees
That fish are not the same
And why should they treat us like
We're part of some big cosmic game?
Too many unanswered questions
Like what makes birds go cheep
And while we're on it
Why don't they let us try this new thing
Called sleep
It's time to try defining gravity
I think I'll try defining gravity
And you can't slow me down
AZIRAPHALE:
Can't I make you understand
The Almighty won't like this level of candour
CROWLEY:
I'm through with accepting statements
That say She says it's so
Is there a reason llamas look so strange?
Unless we ask we'll never know!
Too long it's been pitched as
Trust Her love or faith is lost
But if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost
I'd rather they just try defining gravity
Why can't someone define gravity?
How does it hold stuff down?
(Voices of angels outside grow until they are banging on the door)
CROWLEY:
Come with me. Think of what we could find together.
Unlimited, together the fun would be unlimited.
Together, we'll be the greatest annoyance there's ever been, angel
Nights the way we planned em
BOTH:
If we talked in tandem
No stopping once we discover gin
Just you and I defining gravity
With you and I defining gravity
CROWLEY:
They couldn't shut us down.
Well, you coming?
AZIRAPHALE:
I hope you're happy
Now that you're chosing this
CROWLEY:
You too.
I hope you catch that bliss
BOTH:
I really hope you get it
And you don't live to regret it!
I hope you're happy in the end
I hope you're happy
My friend...
(Archangels break down the door)
CROWLEY:
Oy! You lot! Did you get my memo about kidney stones?
So if you care to answer me
Or dare ask why
The roster has sucked lately
You can catch me on the fly
(Takes to the air, obviously)
I'm hardly flying solo
Don't care if they disagree
To those who ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them to try defining gravity
It makes no sense, defining gravity
Maybe they ought to tie stuff down
And no angel
Who says 'because'
Is ever going to bring
Me down
ANGELS (minus AZIRAPHALE):
Look, he's questioning God, get him!
CROWLEY:
Bring me down?
ANGELS:
Another one of the uprising! Get them! We're got to bring him..
CROWLEY: (falls)
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
ANGELS:
Down!
(foom)