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Kaeya hated April even more with each passing year. Particularly the last day, the day that he lost everything he held most dear. Everything that a traitorous monster like me never deserved, he reminds himself constantly.
At the end of April, he’d take a few days leave from his captain duties and hide away in his apartment during the daylight hours. Not speaking to anyone, not answering the door, not even opening the curtains. He’d sit on his couch, staring at the red and gold vision clutched tightly in his hands.
He’d always watch his brother’s deserted pyro vision very closely, every single day of the year. Sometimes it glowed bright and sometimes he watched, forgetting to breathe, while the glow sputtered, losing almost all light. It had even gone nearly completely dim a couple of times for longer periods.
The last day of April, though, was his brother’s birthday, the day they lost their father and the day Kaeya himself finished breaking their family apart by telling Diluc the truth about his past, leading to being abandoned again. Kaeya knew in his heart that he deserved this punishment, but knowing that didn’t make it any easier.
So, he’d sit on his couch until just past midnight, when he could go to the graveyard behind the cathedral without being seen and without people wanting to stop and talk to him, and sit in front of Crepus’ grave and tell him about how he thought Diluc was doing. He’d sit there for hours like this.
Now, for the third year, on the morning of his brother’s birthday, that’s what he was doing. He’d been happy to tell Crepus that Diluc’s vision was glowing bright. He didn’t mention that a month ago it had nearly gone out entirely and stayed that way for weeks.
As he continued on about more random things, the hairs on the back of his neck stood up and he had the sudden feeling of being watched. He spun around to a kneeling position and peered carefully into the darkness. There was nothing and he returned to talking, chalking it up to being in a graveyard. He didn’t really care either, as long as everyone left him alone.
Before daylight he made his way home and shut himself into the darkness.
Monsters can grieve too.
_________________________________________________________________________
Two weeks later
This year it was taking him longer to put the mask back on, the face he showed everyone but his own reflection. Just like every morning, he smiled and greeted everyone all the way from his apartment to his office, but the second he closed the door he flopped behind his desk and closed his eyes. He felt exhausted, completely drained and overwhelmed. Maybe people wouldn’t need much from him today, he’d hoped.
Like a cruel joke, there was instantly a knock at the door. He wanted to groan, but he kept it in and instead plastered that smile on his face and called them in.
“Kaeya,” Jean said, closing the door behind her and ruffling through some papers she was holding, “We’ve had several reports of abyss activity close to Dragonspine over the past few days. Were you planning on heading that direction for…” She trailed off as she finally looked up.
She was looking Kaeya over closely, taking in the dark circles under his eye and general weariness. Too observant. He quickly got up and took the papers from her, “Yes, I was going to patrol that way. I’ll head out right after lunch.” He smiled and nodded, but Jean wasn’t leaving. In fact she was still staring at him. He turned away, “Anything else?”
“Kaeya, “ She said quietly, “You should go home and get some rest. I’ll assign someone else-”
No, he needed to be out of the city for a while. “It’s no problem, Jean. I’m perfectly rested, I’ll report this evening.”
“Kaeya-” She tried again, but he cut her off.
“Really, I’m fine.” Spinning to face her again, he assured her with hollow words, his fake smile never leaving his lips.
She didn’t look convinced, but nodded and left. He’d hoped she wouldn’t push the issue, being someone who never takes a rest herself. He took his time as he looked over the reports, it all seemed minor. A few abyss mages, nothing more. He’d take care of that in a few hours, first he needed to take care of a couple things around town and stop by the Angel’s Share.
~
People loved to stop and talk. He’d always been friendly to the people of Mondstadt and it was important to him to listen to them, to know them. He truly cared about them, without question the whole city had accepted him as a child, after all.
Today, though, Kaeya wasn’t up for the conversation. It made his tasks in the city take so much longer and all he wanted to do was get to Angel’s Share and now it was past noon as he stood, just staring at the door. Even though he visited every day it always took a moment for him to breathe and steel himself for whatever the barkeep, Charles, had to say. He took a deep breath and entered the tavern.
Before his eye even met the bar he was greeted, but the voice did not belong to Charles. His own greeting died in his throat as he stared wide eyed at the figure standing before him. The person was facing away, but the bright red hair was unmistakable. Diluc.
Because Kaeya hadn’t greeted him back the redhead had turned to see who was there. Kaeya didn’t know what he was feeling. Sad? Happy? Diluc, however, had glared at him as soon as he saw him and by reflex Kaeya’s fake smile plastered itself on his face.
He registered that Diluc was saying something, but he didn’t know what was being said and felt like he couldn’t breathe, instead just standing there with his fake smile. However, as soon as Diluc started to come from behind the counter Kaeya took a couple of steps backwards before running from the building. He ran down the stairs and out the side gate and to the left, until he was at the spot along the wall he’d sometimes hide just to breathe.
He slid down the wall, brought his knees to his chest, wrapped his shaking arms around them and buried his face there.
_________________________________________________________________________
Diluc had returned to the winery some time ago, but had only started coming back into the city a couple of weeks ago. He’d needed time to recover from serious injuries and didn’t want people to know, especially his brother and Jean. At first he only came back while it was dark.
On the third night he’d snuck in, he’d planned on visiting his father’s grave. He was shocked to find his brother already there, talking to their father’s stone. He’d found it weird that someone would visit a grave in the middle of the night, until he realized that’s exactly what he was doing.
When he first returned he’d been avoiding Kaeya, still having his own internal battle with his feelings about his brother’s past. Now, anger flared in his chest and he nearly went to confront Kaeya right then and there, but his brother’s words were carried to him on the wind. He was telling their father that Diluc’s vision was burning bright and he thought that Diluc was doing well… and that he hoped he’d return soon. He continued to tell the grave stone about everything going on in the city, who got married, who had become parents and grandparents and how all of their father’s friends were faring.
When Kaeya had suddenly spun around, Diluc ducked behind the pillar he was next to. After a few moments he heard Kaeya shuffle back to sitting and start talking again. Diluc could hear him fine from where he was, so he quietly sat where he could just peek around the pillar and watch him and stayed there until Kaeya left just before the sun came up.
Diluc had expected to see him in the following days, but it wasn’t until two weeks later he’d seen more than a glimpse of his brother, and that was because he was standing right in front of him at the tavern.
Diluc had asked his brother why he was there and watched as several emotions crossed Kaeya’s face before the bluenette put on an obviously fake smile, which flared anger in Diluc, while looking like he was about to pass out and wasn’t responding. Diluc had moved from behind the counter, only to have Kaeya back against the wall and run from the building. Diluc had followed him, but his little brother had always been much quicker on his feet and he was gone by the time Diluc had made it out the gate.
As he made the very short trek back to the tavern Diluc berated himself. He’d thought, after hearing Kaeya at the graveyard, that his brother might be happy to see him. Now he was realizing what the younger man had been saying must have been for their father’s sake. Keaya had looked terrified when he had come closer to him, why wouldn’t he? The last time they were together Diluc had almost killed him.
When he returned to the Angel’s Share Charles had asked him if he was ok, Having received only a nod, his barkeep went back to wiping down the glasses. Diluc was distracted and sat on one of the stools in front of the bar and Charles kept glancing at him.
“If you don’t mind me asking,” said Charles, “well, you look quite upset… Has something happened?”
Diluc snapped out of his thoughts. “Uh no. Kaeya was just here, but he left without a word.” He moved to get back to work. “Probably for the best anyway.”
As he resumed his work Charles still kept looking in his direction as he went to wipe down tables and chairs. Diluc wasn’t blind, the man wanted to say something to him.
“Is there something I should know?” Diluc finally asked the barkeep, but didn’t give him time to answer before he blurted, “Was he here to drink? In the middle of the day?!” It had come out angrier than he meant. Maybe it wasn’t really his business, but he was worried. Had his brother taken to being a drunk because of their falling out?
Charles put his hands up, “No, nothing like that! It’s because…” He sighed, trying to find the words. “He comes in every day, just after lunch. It’s just to ask if I’d heard anything from you. It’s always difficult when I have to tell him no, because no matter how much he tries to hide it behind that smile of his, I can tell, he’s heartbroken.” He finished quietly.
Not words he’d expected to hear describing his brother. “Well why did he run then? I’m right here. “ Diluc huffed.
“Um, well… any time anyone has mentioned Kaeya you glare.” Shrugged Charles.
“I wasn’t glaring!” Diluc might have been glaring.
“Well,” Charles said suddenly, “Lots to do before the later rush.” With that he quickly disappeared into the back room.
Part of the reason he had stayed away after their fight was because he was trying to protect Kaeya. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing anyone else he cared about to the Fatui and their twisted ideology, so he rampaged through the Fatui’s ranks for years. He wanted to make sure no one else he loved fell to something so terrible. So while he was still angry with his brother, he really hadn’t meant to scare him off.
It was still a while before the evening crowd would be shuffling in. He called to Charles that he’d be back in a while and headed for the Knights of Favonius building. It was probably the last place he wanted to go, but with Kaeya being a Knight, if he was going to find him, it was where to start.
_________________________________________________________________________
When Diluc saw Jean his heart skipped a beat and he could feel his cheeks becoming warm, like always. Thinking about her often helped him make it through his toughest days. He hoped that some day he’d be able to come back to her, but for now, he knew he had too much baggage and he wasn’t willing to put that on her. She didn’t need it and she didn’t deserve it and he loved her too much to drag her down into his drowning depths.
When he asked about Kaeya, Jean said she hadn’t seen him since that morning, but that he was likely out on duty. When he mentioned to her that Kaeya had run from the bar, she reluctantly told him some of what had happened while he was gone and he couldn’t miss the sadness in her eyes.
She told him about how Kaeya had started to make sure that his patrols often took him by Dawn Winery and still asked nearly every day if she’d heard any news or reports that might indicate where Diluc had gone. She told him how after she’d been able to give him nothing day after day, Kaeya had begun to plaster on a fake smile to hide his sadness. The fake smile that he’d just seen himself and had made him angry.
That thought made Diluc queasy.
Diluc knew he didn’t handle emotions well. He had spent so much of the last several years being angry at nearly everyone, himself and his brother included. He had also spent the last four years grieving his losses, Kaeya was included there, too. The anger and sorrow were always together, always a constant and he’d only recently been able to start separating the two. Most of the time he was a walking ball of anxiety, despite his outward appearance. Keeping a carefully placed mask in place could be exhausting, but he was a completely different person than he had been before his father’s death. He was starting to realize he wasn’t the only one.
And now, between Jean and Charles, Diluc had learned that Kaeya was keeping an eye out for him every day, only to have Diluc apparently glare at him. Angry as he may be, he hadn’t meant to glare.
He sighed, turned down a side street and stopped. “I know you’ve been following me since the Knights. What do you want?” He growled.
Sister Rosaria stepped out of the shadows. She looked angry. He had barely known her before he left, but she hadn’t seemed to change much.
“I saw Kaeya run from your bar earlier. Did you hurt him?”
Diluc narrowed his eyes. “Not that it’s any of your business, but no.”
She continued to stare him down. “Do you really not have any idea what you did to him? I found him that night, after you left. He was wandering around outside of Mondstadt in the rain, with your vision and his, hurt and nearly inconsolable. It was nearly impossible to get him back to the city. When I finally got him to the Cathedral, he wouldn’t say what had happened and when we tried to move your vision to patch up his sliced hands he ran.” Her fists were clenched at her sides, but just like with the others there was sadness. “He was so broken. He still is.”
She visibly worked to calm herself. “Maybe you should just leave him alone.” And with that she was gone.
Diluc leaned against the closest wall, bent forward and put his hands on his knees. He closed his eyes to the dizzying swirl of emotions and took a deep breath. His mask was falling apart and he needed to rein it in. Why had he thought he could handle being back in the city?
He made it back to the tavern. The place was already becoming busy and he’d told Charles he’d help. Maybe it would take his mind off of things.
It didn’t.
_________________________________________________________________________
Kaeya had fallen asleep curled up outside the walls of Mondstadt. Now that the sun was down the chilly breeze picking up gently coaxed him awake. Something else prickled at his senses, music. He stayed as he was for a minute while he listened. It was such a beautiful and peaceful sound, strings being lightly plucked and soft humming. He felt like he could get lost in it, but he had things to do.
He’d have to report back to Jean that he’d not done his patrol that day. Normally, he’d likely just go ahead and take care of them regardless of the time of day, he never slept much anyway. Tonight, even though he’d been asleep for hours, he was still bone tired. Overrun with emotions and craving the privacy of his own home.
He stood and stretched before looking out from his spot. There was someone sitting on the edge of the cliff playing a lyre. As Kaeya moved from his spot the person turned to look at him while still strumming the instrument with ease. His muddled mind hadn’t let him realize at first that it was the bard he’d been seeing around. They nodded to each other as Kaeya passed.
It was late enough that not so many people were roaming the streets. He entered the Knights building and paused at Jean’s office door to take a breath and smooth down his wrinkled clothing before knocking and entering upon the “Come in.” from the other side. Jean was looking out the window behind her desk. She didn’t often step away from her work, it was actually nice to see.
She turned to greet him, taking in his rumpled appearance “Captain, how was your patrol?”
The fake smile came to his lips. “I’m afraid I got side-tracked today. I’d like to go out first thing in the morning, if that’s ok with you.”
He couldn’t read the look she gave him. She didn’t look happy, but didn’t look disappointed by his failure to complete his duties, nor upset. He was good at reading people, but he couldn’t read this.
“Kaeya-” She began, but he cut her off.
“Diluc is back.” He said simply.
“I know. I saw him today.”
That was a good thing. He knew Jean and Diluc cared for each other very much.
His mind was both blank and too full right now, he couldn’t think. It was too much.
“I’m turning in for the night, I’ll be getting an early start on my patrol in the morning.” He said and was already exiting the door. “Goodnight, Jean.”
“Kaeya, wait!”
He was already out the door and headed home.
_________________________________________________________________________
Kaeya watched as the sun rose. Regardless of being exhausted, he hadn’t slept much. Instead he sat on the couch and stared at the fire vision, much like he had two weeks ago. He had been surprised that it had stayed so bright for such a long time, it was unusual. Now he knew why and the relief was overwhelming, but the look Diluc gave him yesterday hurt.
He hadn’t expected his brother to forgive him, but he had let himself hope. That voice in the back of his mind telling him how ridiculous it was that he thought a monster could be forgiven so easily.
He set the vision on the end stand and stood. He’d told Jean he’d take care of his patrol and he wanted to leave the city before he had to see many people.
He quickly got ready and left a message with the guards at the Knights that he was going out on patrol and made his escape through the gate before the hustle and bustle of the day had begun.
When he arrived at the reported area, there were no abyss mages in sight, but there were certainly plenty of Fatui. Not so many I can’t take them, he thought.
He carefully moved around the edge of the camp until he was behind the electrohammer vanguard, taking him by surprise. He was able to take him out quickly, but not before the rest of the camp was alerted. He aimed for the skirmisher next, he couldn’t let that shield come up. Even tired, Kaeya was quick on his feet, giving him an advantage.
The skirmisher was down before the hydro gunner had waddled close enough. Almost done, he thought as he flash froze the Fatui agent. The sound of a musket was left ringing in his ears before he’d registered the pain in his right shoulder. He hadn’t noticed the musket user before. Before the Fatui could fire another shot he put the hydro gunner between them and keeping him frozen quickly finished him off. Before the large man fell Kaeya rolled to his right, grunting as his shoulder hit the ground.
The musketeer had wasted his shot, expecting Kaeya to have been in the spot he was a moment ago. While he was reloading his gun Kaeya charged him and knocked the Fatui’s weapon aside when he had brought it up to fend off the speedy bluenette. Kaeya immediately blasted the gunner with ice directly at his chest, sending him skidding back. By the time the Fatui agent had recovered his stance Kaeya was already upon him again, two slices across the gunner's chest and a jab and the man fell.
Kaeya quickly scanned his surroundings, making sure he hadn’t missed anyone this time. As he moved to dismiss his sword he grimaced. Now that the adrenaline was wearing off a deep ache was setting into his shoulder.
He wanted to move away from the camp and somewhere safer before having a look at it, so he set off back towards Mondstadt. It didn’t take long before he was feeling winded and a bit dizzy. “I guess this’ll have to do.” He mumbled and sat on a nearby rock. It was fairly safe here, anyway.
He took a moment to breathe before he started to dig through his bag for a bandage, or a handkerchief. Or… anything at all, really.
“Seriously, who packed this thing?!” He groaned.
“Having a nice rest?” A voice from behind him said.
He jumped up and whirled around, immediately regretting it. He grabbed his shoulder and tried to breathe through the pain. “Archons Diluc, what are you doing out here?” He ground out through gritted teeth.
Diluc didn’t look at him, but instead at the red that was showing from under the edge of his cloak. The redhead started forward, and Kaeya put out his left hand while backing up a step and tripped over the rock he had been sitting on moments before. Diluc caught him and helped him sit instead.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.” He said quietly. “What happened?”
“Fatui musketeer. It’s fine.” Kaeya said, watching his brother’s face turn into a scowl. “Really, you should see the other guy…”
Kaeya tensed as Diluc unclasped his cloak and pulled it away before pulling his shirt aside. The wound looked angry and hadn’t stopped bleeding yet. “Do you have any bandages?” His brother asked him.
He was surprised by his brother’s help and just looked at him.
Diluc sighed at his brother’s lack of an answer. “Kaeya, you look pale. We need to get you back to Mondstadt, but we should bandage this. Do you have any?”
“What? Uh… no.” He answered, snapping out of his trance and started to pull away. “Why are you helping me?”
Diluc tilted his head to the side. “Because you’re hurt? What are you doing, stop moving!”
Kaeya went still while Diluc used a knife to cut a strip of material from his own shirt and tucked it between Kaeya’s shirt and chest. Diluc then removed his belt and put it across Kaeya’s shoulder and chest to be used as a sling and gently slid his arm into it.
“Come on, let's go.” He said, standing and offering a hand to Kaeya.
As soon as Kaeya was on his feet he swayed slightly and his brother steadied him. He should have assigned the patrol to someone else, coming out while being so tired was stupid. He supposed if he wanted out of the city so badly he should have just taken a vacation instead. He snorted at his own hindsight, earning a strange look from Diluc.
“I don’t think this is funny.” His brother huffed, not letting go of his arm and coaxing him to start walking.
They walked in silence, but he really needed to know, “Diluc, why are you here?”
“I live in Mondstadt.” He answered simply.
Kaeya rolled his eyes. It immediately made him dizzy again and if Diluc hadn’t been hovering he’d have face planted right into the dirt. “Ha ha. I mean here.”
His brother let out a heavy sigh. “I was looking for you and asked one of the Knights where you were, but it was that bard who said he’d seen you out here.”
“Why were you looking for me?”
“To apologize for yesterday. I… didn’t actually mean to startle you then either.” He stopped and looked at the ground. “I've been told I have something of a glaring problem, when it comes to you. I’m sorry.”
Kaeya didn’t know what to say, and Diluc continued.
“I’m still angry. At everything that happened. I’m still angry at you, but I’m… I’m trying. It’s going to take time, but I’m trying.” He finished, never looking at Kaeya.
Kaeya was struggling to fight back the tears that threatened to fall at the possibility of repairing their relationship. This was more than he’d ever expected. “Thank you.” He whispered.
Diluc finally looked at him and grimaced. “Come on, you really look terrible.” He said, gently pulling at Kaeya’s arm to get him moving again.
Yep. He felt it too, but right now he couldn’t care less.