Work Text:
My Lords, Kings, Wardens, Regents and, er, Khalis…Cally…er, Lady, everyone knows you can’t win a war without strategy. And you can’t plan your battle strategies without a huge map and markers to represent your brave, loyal forces who will die and bleed for your rightful place on the Iron Throne!
Plus, you need markers to show you where the treacherous, cowardly, filthy, blood-magic-using…
Er, right, yes, you’re absolutely right, Your High..Grace...Liege... I meant fire-magic...
No, actually, great, fierce beasts of the wild and dragon…
Oh, that was a slip, I assure you, I meant...different...we have lovely dragons, actually. Please allow me to present you with one in gold, later.
As I was saying, the enemy. Those filthy, greedy, usurping enemy forces. Or, as we call them, The Bad Guys.
They need to be represented on your map! But if you’re still stuck in the age of the Conqueror…
And a GOLDEN age it was, Your Stormbornishness, truly golden, but perhaps a bit behind in modern technology? Back in those, er, halcyon years, battle commanders were forced to use rocks, sticks and occasionally daggers, thrust with great force through their own maps! Which didn’t do the maps any good at all, as you might imagine.
Then there was that Dornishman who accidentally stabbed his own…well, I digress.
In these modern times, it’s hard to tell who will be your enemy one day and your greatest ally the next. So, a cunning battle commander must have a way to differentiate between forces on their map.
A simple block for any enemy doesn’t take into account the bribes one may offer a mercenary troop, or a wedding that changes the tide of alliances… What was that? Ah. Yes. We were so …er…shocked, actually.
Very well, perhaps a naming day party or some other such celebration since weddings seem to be a trifle…er…controversial among you Westerosi…
HOWEVER you change alliances, you must needs then have different sigils represented upon your grand strategy table, and this is what I have brought before you today. Made of the finest ironwood and oak, these painted symbols cleverly represent each of your royal…er, noble …houses!
Gaze upon the snarling dire wolf, the proud stags, the fierce lions, the delicate roses! Just look, my, er, Noble Ones, at the details upon each little flayed man!
Why certainly, young man, you may take one. Oh, and the wolf…why yes…and the kracken…why not take one of each, while we pass them around?
Some of you already use our fine products - they have been seen in the tents of King Stannis…
Rightful…well, yes, one may argue... Usurper Oh Dragon Lady...er, Mother?…but one wishes not to offend…
On the tables of Chosen of The Lord of Light, Stannis Baratheon, well known to be one of the finest commanders in the field, shall we say?
Regardless.
Another happy purchaser is Lord…Warden, yes, Warden of the North, Roose Bolton, whose handsome son is, er…actually, they are not made to bend like…one must be careful…
Well, you see how durable they are! Takes a strong and, er, vigorous man to break one!
Order them in quantity to help envision your vast resources, or plan your cunning counter-attacks. Special editions can be made to gild your own forces with your house colors, or create a custom one using your castle or holding, your ancestral blade, or even your very visage!
Carved by luscious slave children in…
I meant by young, independent artisans, Your Unburntness. In lovely, sunlit studios, in between schooling and feasting upon healthful snacks.
And! If you place your order today, we will throw in an entire navy!
Yes, Lord…er…sire…Great Baratheon…a navy! Gaze upon the different ships we will include, sails and oars delicately…quite delicate, actually…
We can reinforce those. And besides, it can still row with less oars, am I right?
Fewer, certainly.
How many shall I put you down for? We’re having a two-for-one sale on Wildlings and Unsullied, and are discounting the Anonymous Unwashed Horde set, which can easily be re-colored for your lovely new religious zealots. Financing can be arranged for anyone inhabiting a fixed address.