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Peter tucked the cord phone under his arm. He took a deep breath, mapping out the path ahead. It wouldn’t be easy. But he sure as hell had to try. He kicked off, his socks slipped against the linoleum floor. He dove through the little gap between the first and second bunk of the bunk beds and turned halfway in the air to avoid hitting his roommate’s lamp. The plastic phone began to slip out from under his arm, he gripped it tighter and curled around it right as his body made impact with the mattress.
The bed springs let out of concerning moan under his weight.
The phone cord snapped tight.
The side of his face slapped against the pillow. It stung like hell.
Peter uncurled from the phone, staring in amazement at his limbs. All of his fingers and toes were still there, and he could even move them! He had been also certain he would have broken something trying that. For the first time in a long time Peter almost smiled. Nathan would have yelled at him if he were here, he’d have said it was too stupid and dangerous--
The smile fell.
Peter sat up in the bottom bunk, his head barely fit under the slats of the top bunk. He stared down at the phone in his lap. He closed his eyes and tried to relax. The tension remained coiled deep in his chest.
He had waited for the perfect moment for this. He’d even timed it so his roommate wouldn’t be in the room, which was impressive considering his roommate had a fancy new gaming system and didn’t even leave for class. It was now or never.
“Come on Peter, you can do this,” he whispered to himself.
He punched the numbers slowly, even though he knew them by heart and had dialed them a million times. His fingers shook over each key and with each press he hoped that maybe the world would end before he finished dialing.
It didn’t.
Peter put the phone to his ear. The dial tone was a cold dead drone. It was only on the third tone when he realized he didn’t know if the dorm had long distance. For half a second he wavered. This was his last chance to escape. He could put the phone down and pretend that this insane idea never crossed his mind.
Before he could hang up the phone the dial tone stopped. He heard shuffling on the other end. Peter’s heart froze. I waited for three long excruciating seconds. Who had picked up? His ma or is dad? And which would be worse? He wasn’t sure. Ma would try to pat him on the shoulder, long distance of course, but make it clear she was disappointed. Dad was always….much more direct. Peter normally hated that, but it might be exactly what he needed right now.
“Hello?”
Peter let out is relieved breath, “Nathan?” His voice came out as a laugh.
“Petey?”
“Yeah, who else?” Peter said, a smile bubbled up from some place deep inside of him he hadn’t felt in a long time. “Why’re you home, I thought you had important adult things to do.”
“I’m house sitting for ma.”
“Since when does ma need a house sitter?”
The silence on the other end probably meant a shrug and after a moment too long of silence Nathan finally spoke up. “So how’s college, Petey?”
“Okay.”
“That can’t be good.”
“No,” Peter insisted as he shuffled the phone from ear to ear. His voice threatened to crack. “No, everything is fine.”
“If everything was fine you wouldn’t be calling me, would you.” It wasn’t a question. It never was with Nathan.
I miss you.
Peter almost blurted it out into the phone. He stopped himself at the last minute. He held back his words behind a gate of clenched teeth. College was a time for exploration, everyone said it. His roommate, his councilors, even his parents. College was a time to delve deep into the amazing person of who you are. But all Peter felt was alone. College was like walking through a forest with only a flashlight that was low on batteries and trying to find your way out.
But he was supposed to be alone, that’s what college is, isn’t it?
I miss you so much.
“I guess it isn’t, fine, I mean.” Peter let out a deep sigh and slumped so he stared at his gray sweat pants. “I just...don’t know what I’m doing here.”
“Do you mean in the philosophical way, or in the college way?”
Peter tried to imagine Nathan leaning against the door frame five feet away, saying that. But he couldn’t. Nathan was something, an idea almost, that didn’t exist at school. The neat pressed suits he liked to wear clashed with the blaring fluorescent lights and green metal furniture of the dorm. The two things just couldn’t exist in the same place--
“You there Petey?”
Peter shook himself out the daze. “What’d you say?”
Nathan sighed “Are you having a ‘meaning of life’ crisis or the college kind of crisis.”
“Both, I think?”
The phone shifted on the other end. “Oh boy, this is going to take a while, isn’t it?”
“I hope not.” Peter said, checking his watch, “My roommate comes back from the dining hall in fifteen minutes.”
“You timed when he eats? Wow you’re in deep Petey.”
“It’s the only time he ever leaves.” Peter complained.
“Fair enough. So I have fifteen minutes to solve all of your emotional problems.”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
“You’re lucky you got me instead of ma or dad.”
“I know.” Peter admitted. It was why he’d put off this call for so long.
“Okay. Let’s start then. Just get straight to the point.”
Peter took a deep breath in. When he closed his eyes this time he could imagine Nathan sitting on the bottom steps of the stairs at home, the new cordless phone pressed between his shoulder and ear while he twirled his navy ring. The scent of a slightly burnt microwave dinner hung in the air. It felt more real than the weed smoke the seeped under Peter’s door.
“I don’t want to be a lawyer.” He said, barely above a whisper.
Peter couldn’t help but feel a twinge of betrayal when he heard Nathan laugh on the other end of the line. It wasn’t a soft polite, dismissive laugh. It was deep and real, like someone just told a joke.
“I’m not kidding, Nathan!” Peter yelled into the phone.
Nathan tried to calm himself down, although he didn’t seem to be trying too hard because sometimes he’d laugh between words. “Petey, I knew that you’d never be a lawyer. Ma knew that you’d never be a lawyer. Only dad was out of touch enough to think you’d really go through with it.”
“H-how’d you know?”
“You’re the nicest person I know.”
“I can be mean.”
“Sure you can.” Nathan replied with the dismissiveness of a parent talking to a child. “but you can’t control it. You want vengeance, Peter. You’ve never wanted justice.”
Peter gripped the plastic phone tighter. Maybe he shouldn’t have called at all. Why did he ever think anyone in his family would be any help? “Aren’t they the same thing?”
“No.” Nathan said simply. “You don’t have the stomach for justice, Petey. Vengeance is about what is right, morally. Vengeance is easy. Justice is much harder.”
“Did you learn that in one of your lawyer classes?”
“I did, actually.” Nathan snapped. “Look, I wanted to lay this on you gently but you gave me a 15 minute time limit and we’ve used most of that time already. It’s not like you ever really wanted to be a lawyer anyway.”
The words slammed into Peter. Even though they were exactly what he needed. He didn’t want to be a lawyer. He never wanted to be a lawyer. And that was okay. He let out a long sigh of relief. “You’re right, Nathan.”
“That’s something I don’t hear often enough from this family.” Peter could picture Nathan smiling on the other end of the line. “So what great things does my little brother want to do with his non-lawyer life?”
Peter hesitated, twirling the phone cord between his index finger and thumb. “I was thinking, maybe a nurse.”
Nathan bursted into laughter on the other end.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing. Nothing’s funny. It’s just too perfect I can’t believe that I didn’t think of it.”
A smile crossed Peter’s face. “You really think so?”
“Yeah, sure. You’re the nicest person I know, Petey. Plus you were always that kid with bandaids in your pocket on the playground. That has to count for something, right?”
Peter laughed “I don’t think that counts, but thanks Nathan.”
“So, how’re you planning on telling dad?”
The laughter stopped as soon as it started. Dread settled back into Peter’s chest, weighing down into his stomach. “I don’t know.” He whispered into the phone.
“I’ll take care of it.” Nathan said quickly.
“You don’t have to--”
“I’m your older brother. It’s what I do. Don’t worry about it Petey.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
Tears welled up in Peter’s eyes, his voice shook. The lock began to rattle. His roommate was back. “Thanks, Nathan.” He hissed into the phone. “I have to go. I miss you, a lot.”
“I miss you too, Petey.”
Peter hung up the phone.