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“Show me,” Fyodor hissed.
He was exhausted. It was 4:03 AM, and he’d just finished chasing his boyfriend around the house, and was now stood in front of him, as the other pressed their back against the wall, watching Fyodor with wide eyes.
It’d been a long night, to say the very least. Fyodor had known that something was wrong. Nikolai had gotten back from a mission that he knew was going to be rather grueling, but he’d been surprised by just how off Nikolai had been acting. Fyodor tried to question him about it, but Nikolai just had an exhausted look in his eyes, and silently shook his head. Fyodor wanted to push further, but Nikolai ended up deciding that he’d go to sleep early. Shortly after Nikolai had gone to lay down, Fyodor had heard muffled sobbing from their shared bedroom. He didn’t know what to do. He ended up just preparing some of Nikolai’s favorite desserts, placing them in the fridge for the other to enjoy the next day.
Fyodor eventually went to sleep himself. He slept uncomfortably, he knew that something was wrong, but he didn’t want to stress Nikolai out by forcing him to talk. And so he slept.
Around 3:45 AM, Fyodor had woken up from a forgotten nightmare, and noticed that Nikolai was no longer beside him. He silently rose from the bed, and cautiously walked down the hallway. Standing in the kitchen, under only the light of the moon, stood Nikolai, quietly sobbing and shaking. Fyodor was surprised and worried, and then he saw it, the slight glint of a blade as the knife was turned.
“What the hell,” Fyodor had suddenly rasped, freezing in place.
Nikolai set the knife down on the counter, staring at Fyodor like a deer in headlights. There was the unmistakable glistening of blood on his arm before his sleeve had fallen back down.
“It’s- I’m sorry,” Nikolai suddenly rasped, taking a few steps back.
“Kolya,” Fyodor’s voice reflected his horror, “what did you do?”
“I’m sorry,” the other repeated, “I’m sorry.”
Fyodor took a slow step forwards, and Nikolai stepped back, like a wounded animal. Another step, and the other suddenly bolted.
“Nikolai!” Fyodor called out in surprise, standing there in shock for a moment, before darting after his lover, “Nikolai, please!”
“Leave me alone!” Nikolai had shouted back.
“Nikolai,” Fyodor repeated slowly, “Kolya,” he’d entered the living room, but Nikolai had seemingly vanished. The only thing that clued Fyodor in was the unmistakable sobbing, and then the sudden sound of someone running downstairs. Fyodor hesitated for a moment, he didn’t want to stress the other out by chasing him, but what choice did he have? His Kolya was hurt. He couldn’t allow himself to standby, and so, he followed Nikolai down the stairs, his steps slow and careful.
“Kolya,” Fyodor said in a soft tone.
“Leave me alone,” Nikolai whimpered.
“I- I want to help you,” his voice sounded strained.
“I’m sorry,” the other sounded breathless.
“You- you have nothing to apologize for,” Fyodor’s tone was odd, as though he were trying to mask his fear.” Can I see? I- I want to know how bad it is,” his breath kept hitching as he tried to coax Nikolai into showing him.
Nikolai gave a small shake of his head, which only nursed Fyodor’s fear.
“Kolya,” he said somewhat sternly, using authority to hide his terror.
“I’m sorry,” Nikolai’s voice was absolutely pitiful.
“Please show me,” Fyodor requested, and Nikolai shook his head once more.
“Nikolai,” his voice came out harsher than he’d meant, and Nikolai seemed almost afraid, “show me,” he’d finally said, his strained voice accidentally coming out as a harsh hiss.
And that was how they’d gotten to their current point. A sobbing Nikolai with his back against the wall, and a worried Fyodor who was partially masking his fear.
“Leave me alone,” Nikolai’s voice was hoarse.
“Leave you alone?” Fyodor echoed, “show me what you did, Nikolai.”
“Please-” he rasped, “please leave me alone.”
Fyodor didn’t know what to do. He desperately wanted to help, in any way that he could. But if Nikolai wouldn’t let him, then there was nothing he could do. It was frustrating him, and before he knew it, he’d reached out, and grabbed Nikolai’s wrist, slightly pulling him forwards. Nikolai flinched, freezing in place as Fyodor held his arm.
“Let me help you,” Fyodor said in an almost pleading voice, “Kolya, please…”
Nikolai was quiet, he seemed lost in thought. Fyodor gave him a moment to process what was going on.
“May I roll up your sleeves?” Fyodor asked in a more gentle tone, “or would you rather do it yourself?”
Fyodor slowly let go of Nikolai’s arm, and watched as the other slipped his hand beneath the sleeve, rubbing at where Fyodor had been holding. He frowned.
“Kolya?” Fyodor asked after a second, wanting to make sure he was okay.
“I love you,” Nikolai said quietly.
Fyodor tilted his head, “I love you too,” his voice was soft.
“Please don’t be mad at me.”
“Mad? Kolya, I’m not-” he paused for a moment, realizing that he could’ve absolutely been coming off as angry earlier, “I’m sorry. I’m not mad, I’m just worried about you.”
Nikolai was near silent, quietly sobbing where he was stood. Fyodor desperately wanted to wrap him into a hug, but he didn’t want to come off as being forceful.
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Fyodor’s voice was barely a whisper, “I’m sorry, I just want to help you…” A tear slid down his cheek.
Nikolai gave a small shake of his head, before slowly rolling up his sleeve. Fyodor’s breath hitched as he saw what was beneath. Rows of messy cuts lined Nikolai’s arms, many of them leaving significant divots into his flesh. The insides of the sleeves were practically soaked with blood, and his skin was smeared with it.
“Kolya,” Fyodor’s voice was strained, he didn’t know what to say.
“I’m sorry,” Nikolai whimpered.
Fyodor couldn’t take it. He couldn’t stop himself from taking another step forwards, and wrapping his arms around Nikolai, squeezing the other into a tight hug.
“Kolya,” he repeated, “Kolya, Kolya…”
Nikolai had been taken off guard at first, but ended up desperately hugging Fyodor back, as if his arms were his only safe place. He sobbed into Fyodor’s shoulder, his body shaking as he desperately held onto his lover. Fyodor tenderly stroked Nikolai’s back, wanting to do nothing more than comfort the other.
“Has this happened before?” Fyodor said softly as he continued to embrace Nikolai.
Nikolai gave a small nod, and Fyodor held him closer.
“I’m sorry,” Fyodor couldn’t hold back the apology; he felt awful.
To know that the person he cared for most had been secretly hurting himself behind closed doors was a terrifying thought. He wasn’t at all mad at Nikolai, he was more frustrated with himself for having not noticed. Nikolai continued to sob.
“Can I help you clean up? Please?”
The clown nodded, before shakily separating his body from Fyodor’s, “thank you,” he rasped.
“Of course,” Fyodor said softly, before leading him back up the stairs and to the bathroom.
Fyodor had Nikolai begin rinsing the blood off his arm, and quickly left to grab a roll of bandages, a soft towel, and some ointment. He returned and gently dabbed the cuts dry.
“How are you feeling?” Fyodor asked quietly, breaking their momentary silence.
Nikolai shrugged, still quiet as though he were in a state of shock. Fyodor pursed his lips, and continued to dry the cuts, before gently applying a bit of ointment on the shallower cuts, and on bits of torn skin. Neither of them spoke as Fyodor began to tightly wrap his arm with the bandage, making Nikolai slightly wince.
“Sorry, sorry,” Fyodor quietly apologized as he worked.
Nikolai was silent, just giving a small nod to acknowledge his words.
“Is there anywhere else?” Fyodor asked after a moment.
“That’s all,” Nikolai’s voice was quiet and hoarse from his crying.
Fyodor tied off the bandage, before wrapping Nikolai into another hug, “I love you,” he whispered.
“I love you too,” his voice sounded absolutely helpless.
“What happened?” Fyodor said slowly, trying to figure out what had gone wrong, “is there anything I could’ve done? What happened on that mission, Kolya?”
Nikolai continued to lean against Fyodor, squeezing his eyes shut. “It’s not your fault,” he mumbled.
“Then what happened?” Fyodor pushed, while gently rubbing circles into Nikolai’s back.
“It had just been building up,” Nikolai muttered. “I wanted to-”
“You wanted to?” Fyodor suddenly cut him off, his eyes wide, “why?”
Nikolai tensed for a moment, he seemed ashamed, “it helps.” He didn’t seem to believe the words coming out of his mouth.
Fyodor held him closer, “you could’ve talked to me.”
“What could you have done?” Nikolai said in a suddenly despairing voice.
“I don’t know,” the other replied honestly, “but I might’ve been able to figure out something better than this. At the very least, you could’ve tried to help yourself…”
Fyodor trailed off, as he realized that he was starting to blame Nikolai.
“Sorry,” he mumbled, his hold on Nikolai slightly loosening.
Nikolai was quiet for a moment, “it’s fine.”
They both fell silent, lost in their own thoughts. Fyodor’s were of frustration over how he hadn’t been able to help his lover, and guilt for snapping at him earlier. Nikolai’s mind, on the other hand, was blank. He simply felt numb. He’d been with Fyodor for about two years at that point, and he’d managed to keep his little secret up until that night. It felt like he’d made a mistake in allowing himself to be caught.
“C’mon,” Fyodor’s tired voice suddenly broke the silence, “we’ll talk about it more in the morning, alright?”
Nikolai nodded, seeming dazed. Fyodor looked at him with concerned eyes.
“I… I love you, Kolya,” he said after a moment.
“Love you, too.”