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"Care to have a drink?" Mina looked back at her while opening the kitchen cupboards, looking for a mug to prepare her favorite jasmine and chamomile tea.
She shook her head and smiled. Mina might need an entire gallon of tea to keep herself calm, for all she cares. But Chaeyoung? She does not need even a drop of alcohol in her blood to calm her nerves nor to get her to talk. Oh she will definitely talk, all to her heart's content. "You have coffee, right? An iced americano would be fine." She recalled that coffee was supposed to make people more nervous, but that was exactly what she needed at that very moment. She needed to at least feel a bit of tinge nervousness to keep her head focused on the task at hand.
From the minute they entered Mina's apartment, the atmosphere was not exactly cold, nor was it pensive. It was... awkward. From the many times she has been in the very same place, from the many nights she spent in its cozy bed with its owner, this was the first time she felt that she was not supposed to be there. She considered just walking out of the apartment -- and maybe even out of Mina's life -- but she knew she needed to be an adult, have a mature enough mindset, and do things properly instead of being callow.
Dinner earlier at the restaurant went as usual, with Mina clinging to her arm and leaning on her shoulder, even giving her a light peck or two despite the amount of people who were there that night. There were still Mina's signature antics of running her hands against her thighs, teasing her, whispering sweet nothings to her ear.
And then she just had to ruin everything by asking, "Mina, what exactly are we?"
Say hello to the giant elephant in the room that finally needed to be addressed.
Because that exact same elephant has long been trudging on the vulnerable and naive chest of the tiger cub that was Chaeyoung.
Mina immediately asked for the check and led her out of the restaurant in silence. The girl did not even look at her during the whole cab ride. When she tried to hold Mina's hand, the girl permitted it but Chaeyoung did not feel the warmth she was now long accustomed to.
She watched as Mina handed her a tall glass of iced americano, taking the seat beside her on the couch. She half-expected Mina to cuddle right next to her like she always does, but this time the girl turned to her side and leaned on the armrest. Mina sipped on her tea then draped her legs on Chaeyoung's lap, her long smooth creamy skin exposed, free for Chaeyoung to touch. Mina looked at her with a smirk, perhaps waiting for her to make a move and forget about whatever conversation they were supposed to have.
If it was any other night, Chaeyoung would not even waste time and immediately pounce on Mina like a tiger hungry for its prey. One thing would lead to another -- the bedroom, the shower, the kitchen, or wherever Mina wants to do it -- and she would wake up in the morning exhausted, hungry, and naked, but nevertheless, happy and contented to simply wake up beside the girl she has always loved.
But tonight was not the night for that.
A part of her wanted to smack herself for being so careless. Why did she even have to ask that? They were happy, weren't they? Wasn't that supposed to be enough?
Regret does come late.
"Chaengie?" Mina's voice was still soft and sweet. There was a concerned look on her face, but Chaeyoung cannot decipher which kind of concern it was pertaining to. A hand reached out to touch her face but Chaeyoung leaned away and bowed her head. Mina then playfully shook her legs on Chaeyoung's lap, smiling like a child while doing so. She feigned a smile back at the girl, but it was not the same dimpled smile that she thought would always be for Mina alone.
"How were you with your first girlfriend?" No, it was not the elephant in the room. It was more of... a hippopotamus, if she can say so herself. But Chaeyoung knew she had to start somewhere.
Mina's expression changed to that of confusion. She tilted her head. "You mean Sana?"
"Yeah, you never really talk about her."
Mina's brows furrowed. "I just don't think I'm supposed to. It's not like I'm comparing or anything." She sat up and crossed her legs infront of her.
Chaeyoung sighed. "You know what I mean." She looked at Mina, waiting for an answer, but the girl again looked confused. "Sana's your first love, right?" She realized she hated saying it as much as knowing that it's a fact. She felt a pang on her chest -- more of a bang, actually, like she was getting drilled by a sledgehammer the moment the words came out of her mouth.
"Does it bother you?"
"No," Chaeyoung declared. "But I just want to know how you were with her."
It was now Mina's turn to bow her head, not looking at Chaeyoung. "She was my first girlfriend that's why I always say she's my first love." She reached out to hold Chaeyoung's hand but the other moved her hand away and only nodded for Mina to continue. "She was my... first everything. Everything I thought about how love and relationships should be, I got it all from the time I was with Sana."
Chaeyoung bit her lip and chewed on her tongue. She kept silent.
Mina continued. "Sana had me wrapped around her finger. I was young and naïve. You can say I was the textbook definition of a lovestruck teen." Mina let out a light chuckle. "Sana was really sweet, clingy, touchy. She was quite affectionate. I tried my best to give back that same amount of display of affection that I kept getting from her. I did many things for her. Like any other kid, I thought we were going to be together forever."
"Why did you break up?"
"She broke up with me." Mina shrugged, frowning. "Funny thing, she broke up with me because she said I was smothering her, when I was only doing exactly what she was doing to me too."
"How long were you together?" Chaeyoung dug her nails into her palm, her hand --- and her blood --- curling.
There was a pause from Mina, looked like she was counting. "More than a year, I guess. I was too in love to pay attention to the exact month we broke up. But I'm sure we celebrated our anniversary."
That much Chaeyoung knew. Sana was Mina's first love and they were together for a year. When they broke up, Mina was so heartbroken that she stayed single for years, afraid to be in another relationship. There was even a time when Mina stalked Sana across all social media platforms by creating dummy accounts and tried befriending her ex in the hopes of making her fall for her again and Mina would have succeeded if she was smart enough not to accept that one video call from Sana, thus exposing her true identity. By the time Chaeyoung met her, she still was not fully recovered. Their mutual friends told her that Mina was a complete mess for some time after the break-up, so Chaeyoung knew that Mina was absolutely smitten with Sana.
So Chaeyoung waited. She patiently waited for Mina to be ready to fall in love again. She patiently waited for Mina to be ready to be loved again. Chaeyoung patiently waited because she knew she wanted to be the person who will never again break Mina's heart, the person who will pick up the broken pieces of Mina's heart and love each broken piece as much she loves the one who those pieces belong to.
"Then what exactly are we?" she asked for the second time that evening.
They have been seeing each other for more than a year now, almost spending every day together. Chaeyoung has pretty much moved in to Mina's apartment, her clothes and toothbrush already have space in the bedroom, and not a corner of the apartment has been spared of a reminder of Chaeyoung's presence with her artworks hanging on display on the walls.
Mina closed her eyes shut, fighting back tears. Unable to, she buried her face on her hands. Chaeyoung wanted to pull her and envelope her in her embrace, but she held back. She looked on in pain, watching the girl she promised to never hurt break and crack infront of her.
"We're friends, Chaeyoung."
Chaeyoung felt the elephant step on her chest with its full weight it might as well break her sternum and stomp on her heart into mush.
"Then what are we doing, Mina?"
Mina looked at her, tears streaming down her face. "What more do you want, Chaeng?" Mina moved to the floor and knelt infront of Chaeyoung, gripping the latter's hands as tightly as she could. "You have me, don't you?"
"But you're not mine." Chaeyoung felt her own tears fall. She leaned and kissed the top of Mina's head, stroking her hair.
That one truth had always lingered in between every kiss, every touch. It was screaming so much inside Chaeyoung's head that not even Mina's sweet loving whispers could silence it.
"I can't leave Momo."
Momo, Mina's girlfriend for the past year. The girl who stole Mina's heart after spending countless hours dancing together in studios and stages across the country. The girl who was able to swoop and take Mina away from Chaeyoung when Chaeyoung was too busy patiently waiting.
But that would be too much to accuse Momo of, because Mina never belonged to Chaeyoung to begin with.
"I thought you wanted to leave her for me?" Chaeyoung tried to keep herself composed, but she was unable to control the frustration that laced her tone.
"I almost did, Chaeng. I really almost did!" Mina pulled Chaeyoung into an embrace, burying her face on Chaeyoung's chest. "I almost broke up with her."
"Then why didn't you?"
"Because I don't want to hurt her like I've been hurt before."
Chaeyoung pushed Mina away and stood up. "That's bullshit." She moved and sat on the kitchen counter, a billion thoughts swirling inside her head. Does Mina think Momo loves her more than Chaeyoung does? But this was not supposed to be a comparison anyway. Love is not a product that needed to be compared whichever is better.
She felt Mina hug her from behind. "We're happy with just this, aren't we?"
It was not a fight, but it sure felt like a war.
And she completely lost.
"And this is all I'm going to get?" Chaeyoung turned around to face Mina. The girl had already wiped her tears and was forcing a smile.
Almost a relationship?
It was never almost.
It was always never.