Archive of Our Own ^beta

For the first time after a while, Jaemin sees Jeno at a spring break party.

It's weird. For many reasons. One, it’s Jeno. Two, there’s no way Jeno could hide from him for an entire year. And the third that Jaemin knew for 100% that Jeno did not attend the same university as him.

Jeno didn't enter anything at all. He knew who he would be from the age of 16, and this was probably what attracted Jaemin the most in him: purposefulness, endurance, and hard work persona. All three points were the reason why their relationship did not succeed, too. However, Jaemin would be the most scandalous liar in the world if he wouldn't admit that there wasn't a month in all the years – when he hadn't seen Jeno – without thinking of him.

Where is he? How is he? Who is he with?

Whatever, he is here now, right? Looks relaxed and having fun. And he's with Jisung, so at least he can be trusted.

The very first time Jeno laid his eyes on Jaemin was when Jaemin had short and dark hair. Right now he has long white strands, but everything else remains the same. As well as his feelings. Luckily, no one knows about that.

“Where are you looking at?” Mark returns to him with two cans of beer and tries to follow Jaemin's watchful gaze. Therefore, there is nothing to hide, but Jaemin still blinks quickly, erasing the shadows of the past from the view in front of him, and smiles at his boy. “Oh, please, Jisung won't die if you look away from him for a second.”

“Last time I turned away he fell over the fence into the bushes,” recalls Jaemin, opening his can with a hiss. He didn't really like beer, but the grapefruit soft drink was worth all the money in the world. “I wouldn't be so sure of him.”

"He has his own curator, Jaemini," Mark winks at him and they both smile.

The fact remains that it was Mark who had to look up around his freshmans and give them guidance as a senior. For some reason, it was Jaemin who always answered their messages and walked them from one building to another. However, neither Mark, nor Jaemin won’t gets paid for it, but Jaemin loves helping people anyway.

In fact, he just loved Jisung, but that's another story.

“Do you know who is next to him now?” Mark asks with interest. Now it was Jaemin’s turn to keep his eyes on the couple that continued to enthusiastically discuss something. Jaemin had rarely seen Jisung so involved in a conversation, but he was the only one who should remember Jeno from their high school. Ji is only a year apart from them, and Jeno was a star back then. Mark doesn't expect any response from Jaemin and just continues his speech after a sip of beer. “Lee Jeno. He is a free listener on an engineering course. Plans to enter officially in the next academic year.”

This information makes Jaemin's hair stand up. Immediately after school, Jeno was accepted into the hockey team. The only reason Jaemin can think of why he could leave the team is an injury. Mark does not notice the fear on the boy's face and calmly continues on.

“He dropped by our last session at the coach's request to "teach us how to play for real." What a jerk. Jeno told me that when he was fully aware that I’m the captain.”

Jaemin suppresses a smile because he could imagine it perfectly. It really is his Jeno.

The thing is Jeno doesn’t think of himself with a big head. Jeno just knows his price, and it is high. Mark better learn from his experience for his own comfort, and not look at it through the lens of an arrogant idiot.

“I get it, ok? He is a professional hockey player. I’m happy for him,” Mark continues with a grimace. “But I’d like to have more respect from a person who does not even hide that he plans to steal my place as captain next year.”

Well, this is not his Jeno. Jeno – that Jaemin knew – does not really need recognition, any titles. Only victories and results. But Mark doesn’t get it yet.

“You are afraid of him,” says Jaemin, and this is not a question. Mark rolls his eyes and laughs.

“Who? Me? Nah.”

“Yes, you,” Jaemin smiles gently and leans to Mark, playfully pushing him. “He is a professional hockey player, has been doing it since childhood, and has experience playing in a professional league. You started playing hockey in your first year because you wanted to have an increased scholarship.”

“I worked to become a captain and I got this position for a reason.”

“No one will steal it from you, believe me,” Jaemin reassures him, shaking his head with a laugh. “Well, at least until the end of this semester.”

Mark turns to him and despite the joke, smiles at it, and nods in agreement. His gaze moves to Jaemin's lips and he breaks into an even happier smile.

“Jaemin! Mark!”

In the next second, both get distracted from their imaginary world and pay attention to the joyful Jisung. He is very talkative when drunk, but now the boy is really happy. Indeed, his smile is wider than a river, and his husky low voice has turned into a ringing one.

“I know Mark is already familiar with Jeno, but we found out that you,” Jisung pats Jaemin’s sleeve of his hoodie, “haven't even met him yet!”

“And why should Jaemin meet him?” Mark grunts and hugs Jaemin by his shoulders.

“Well-”

“We were at the same school,” Jaemin quickly silences Jisung’s attempt to say something. If he was really drunk, he might be telling Mark more than Jaemin wanted him to know. “Jeno and I are classmates. And Ji was a grade younger. You already know it.”

“Why did you listen to my whole tirade about him, but didn't say anything?” Mark wonders with sadness in his eyes. “If I had known that you were old friends, I would not have called him a fool.”

“You didn't let me insert a word, I didn't have time,” Jaemin notices and smiles slyly. Then he just shrugs in an attempt to close the topic. He thinks for a second before continuing, because if he doesn't say anything, Mark will keep asking. Beer’s can top couldn’t know exactly what Jaemin has to say, but he runs his finger along it steadily as he thinks. “We aren’t old friends, actually.”

“Oh, wow.”

Jaemin lifts his head so fast that he can hear the crack of his neck in his head. Maybe something else. His imaginary casket, which he branded with several seals and vowed never to open again, never in his life. He won't admit, even at gunpoint, that he looked inside from time to time. At moments when he has to open Jeno's Instagram and look around at how he was doing. And he was doing just fine. Without Jaemin around.

Jeno hands Jisung a glass of water and then, looking at Jaemin, raises the corner of his lips in a smile, but it looks close to the embarrassment that he has tried to hide behind politeness. His eyes are just as dark as Jaemin remembered. His hair is just as long and soft. His voice is as confident as the day he announced out loud that he was choosing a career and moving to another country.

Jeno stares at Jemin in silence for far too long that even Jisung begins to show a rather awkward look on his face, darting his eyes from Jaemin to Mark. The latter decides to intervene between the look Jaemin was holding on Jeno with his can of beer.

“So, for a meeting of classmates?” Mark says and smiles. “Although I did not study with you, Jeno, I will be glad to learn more about Jaem’s and his friends from school!”

Jeno turns his attention to him and laughs, shaking his head, but joins in the toast.

"As Jaemin said, we weren't close friends," he answers, winking at Mark.

“I said that we are not old friends,” suddenly the desire to protect his own memories rises in Jaemin's chest. “This is different.”

“Oh, so you actually were friends at school?” Mark is interested, he himself knocks the toast against Jaemin's can, which has not moved an inch.

“We were classmates,” Jeno and Jaemin say at the same time, turning to Mark. He blinks in shock and his hand on Jaemin's shoulder tightens.

"In parallel classes," Jaemin adds and turns back to Jeno, smiling tightly, but quickly hides it behind his beer. “I don't know much about Jeno.”

"That's right," Jeno grunts again and moves his eyebrows in frustration.

He has no right to react like that, Jaemin understands. He is the reason why they haven't talked in the last few years. Jeno has absolutely no right to be mad at Jaemin for pretending they barely know each other. Because this is what Jaemin would sell his soul to the devil for.

Oh, how he wished his hands didn't know the feel of Jeno's tenderness beneath them. So that his ears would not hear the laughter that Jeno gives out only in moments when he enjoys Jaemin's stories about everyday life. Jaemin would like his eyes not to see a constellation of moles on Jeno’s back. And he would sell everything to erase the memory and knowledge of the feelings that Jeno evoked in him when he’s just looking at him in the stands during matches.

“Anyway,” Mark notes and examines his watch. “You have a train tomorrow morning, so we'd better go. To you or to me?”

It is very clever of Mark to set his own boundaries so bluntly, but clearly. Jeno clenches his jaw so hard that its square and finally notices a hand on Jaemin's shoulder that smoothly descends to his waist, clearly grabbing there in a tight grip.

“Mine,” Jaemin calmly nods and receives a kiss on his nose, which for the first time in a very long does not cause a smile. He feels tired, even though he's been standing in this corner for most of the party, not moving anywhere.

“Wait here, I'll bring our things,” Mark informs and lets the boy go, holding out his hand to Jeno. “I hope you’d like this university.”

Jeno squeezes his hand just as tightly.

"We'll meet at the arena," he informs him, and let's go.

"Can't say I'm really looking forward to it," Mark throws over his shoulder and waves to Jisung.

“I will also take our things,” Jeno turns to the little one, clapping him on the hand, and then informs Jaemin, “Ji is spending the night with me.”

“Cool!” says Jaemin too enthusiastically and immediately clears his throat out of shame.

“I'll take it myself, wait here,” Jisung intervenes and gets a new grip on his hand. Now from Jaemin. Ji wouldn't leave him almost alone with Jeno, would he? He's not such a rat, is he? But the little one only smiles slyly and winks at him, still runs somewhere towards the entrance to the room where the party was held.

Now, although there are many people around, the music is playing from afar and the conversations of others can be heard, Jeno and Jaemin, for the first time in several years, are alone with each other. Jaemin isn't sure how Jeno will react to this, but his own heart wants to jump out of his chest from the nerves and the pain of thoughts he couldn't control.

Then it gets worse because the only thing Jeno says as he looks down at the floor and tightens his fingers around his can until the metal cracks is:

“Sorry.”

Just one word, the only one, raises so much hatred, rage, and anger in Jaemin that he blushes worse than ripe apples in an attempt to control and not scream in Jeno's face how much he can't stand him and is ready to bury him right here, under this floor.

“What are you apologizing for?” instead, he asks discreetly, clenching his fists in the pocket of his hoodie.

“For causing problems with Mark,” Jeno finally looks up, a cold and calm gaze. The same one that Jaemin didn't learn how to read since school. “I didn't mean to, I thought you were just friends…” Jeno nods to his thoughts, adding: “But, probably, that's not all I have to apologize for.”

“What are you doing here, Jeno?” Jaemin tries to abstract from what he just heard. He has no need to listen to the confession of a drunken ex while his boyfriend wanders somewhere nearby.

“New goal,” Jeno simply answers and looks to the side, also running his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. “I would explain more, but we don't have time. I don't want to cause you more problems,” he speaks very quickly and quietly, because of the noise of people Jaemin understands his words with a delay. Is he in a hurry, because there may not be another chance to talk? “If you want to know more, Jisung will tell you how to find me.”

“I have a boyfriend, Jeno.”

"What a pity that it's not me," he says frankly and stares at Jaemin, horrified that he said it so confidently. “I'm sorry. Again.”

“You're drunk.”

“ Yeah, I'll calm myself down by that thought tomorrow, too- J, Mark!” Jeno smiles. “Are we going in the same direction?”

Jisung shakes his head and looks at Jaemin, who is now not only tired but angry and just wants to kill himself so the day’d be over.

“Markie and Jaemin live on campus,” he informs. “Good night, guys!”

“You too!” says Mark and looks at both of them, intertwining his fingers with Jaemin's. He smiles brightly at him, knowing that it often makes Jaemin feel better. But today the panacea does not work. Jaemin tiredly rests his forehead on Mark's shoulder and exhales slowly, releasing his sharp emotions. “Wassup?”

"I hate him," Jaemin whispers.

“Oh, okay,” Mark laughs uncertainly and hugs the boy by his shoulders, as usual. “Let's go to your room and you will go to sleep. Because Na Jaemin that saying he hates someone is something unreal.”

But it's true, Jaemin thinks. He hates him. Jaemin hates himself for the fact that despite all the years, events, and relationships, his first look at Jeno was filled with hope and joy that he is around again.

He hated himself because he knew that tomorrow, as soon as Mark went home, the first thing he would do was text Jisung and ask for Jeno's contact. Hated himself because his rational personality was always lost when it came to Jeno.

"asshole"

"hehehe"

"no, jisung, you really are an asshole"

"you can't do that"

"I knew u d be glad to see him!"

"besides, sooner or later u would meet him anyway"

"I sped up that moment"

"YOU SPEED UP MY CONVERSATION WITH MARK ABOUT HIM"

"Oh"

"mark didn't know about jeno???"

"Of course he didn't know!!!"

"No one here knows about him except you and me!!!"

"whatever"

"do you have his number?"

"hehe, I was right"

Jaemin freezes in front of Jeno's apartment door for a solid three minutes. His hand is already starting to hurt because he doesn't let go of the bell, deciding if he should be here at all. He and Jeno agreed to meet, but Jaemin didn't want Mark to know about it, so any public place was off the list. Calling Jeno over to his place was also a bad option since Mark could come at any moment and find them alone in Jaemin's room.

Their conversation about Jeno was brief the night they met him. Mark only asked what was between them. Jaemin said that Jeno was the most popular boy in school and Jaemin had a crush on him. And, perhaps, Jeno was aware. It wasn't so much a lie. Jaemin had a crush on Jeno, and he knew about it. Just like Jaemin knew that it was mutual. But they were never officially a couple. They just didn't have time, because Jeno made a different decision.

It was it.

Therefore, now Jaemin is in front of the door of Jeno's apartment, which he was renting, having recently moved to the city where he was going to study next year. They didn’t talk over the text very much. Jaemin doesn't like discussing things over text and Jeno doesn't like phones in general. The first thing Jaemin did when he got off the train on Monday morning was drive here. Mark was unaware that he had already returned, as was the rest of the world.

Jaemin's phone suddenly rang in his typical morning alarm clock and he hummed softly, turning it off with the lock button. A second later, Jeno's door opened with a small crack.

“And how long have you been standing here?” he asks instead of a greeting.

The smell of fresh coffee immediately wafts from his room and Jaemin's stomach grumbles demandingly. He only ate his mother's sandwich for breakfast on the train.

“Not much,” he answers sharply.

“I saw you,” Jeno laughs and opens his door wider, inviting Jaemin inside. “It's good that you kept your hand up for so long that it got numb. It will be hard to hit me, now.”

Jaemin examines his right palm, still in the air, and drops it sharply, shaking it to relax.

"I have a good left hit, too," he jokes and walks inside, smiling at Jeno, who laughs at that.

Jaemin throws things directly on the floor, and Jeno casually shows him on slippers and heads to the kitchen, where the coffee machine is just finishing its noisy work. Jaemin wears cat ears on his new shoes, but chooses not to comment so his behavior doesn't look like he wants to be nice. Jaemin is here for one thing only and it is questions and answers. This is what Jeno agreed to, too.

“If I had known that you would come to my place immediately from the train, I would have prepared something last evening. I thought you were going to the dormitory first,” Jeno says, pouring coffee into cups. Then he moves to the stove and it turns out that he also managed to make scrambled eggs with cheese and sausages.

Jaemin's favorite breakfast.

"You shouldn't have done anything," Jaemin says and sits down on a bar stool behind the kitchen island.

Jeno’s apartment is small, but there is nothing left out in it, except for things that are not laid out in boxes. Most of them, already empty, were on the balcony, and it was noticeable that Jeno was gradually getting used to the new square. Several of his trophies from school days and a photo were already hanging on one shelf. Pictures of cats were simply pasted on the wall. And a fresh bouquet of flowers stood on the coffee table in front of the TV, which illuminated Jeno's playlist, softly spilling over the studio with the first sun of the day.

Jaemin snaps out of looking around when a plate of food clatters on the marble in front of him.

“Would you like your coffee hot or should I add ice?” Jeno asks and takes a sip of his own. “I brought it from Europe, so it's worth trying.”

“Hot,” Jaemin silently takes the cutlery in his hands. “So, what brings you here?”

Jeno lets out a surprised laugh and starts eating breakfast, cutting the sausages into bite-sized pieces.

“Straight to the point, hmm?” he says, putting food in his mouth and chewing with a smile of two half-moons instead of eyes. Jaemin raises his eyebrows defiantly. “I quit professional hockey.”

All of Jaemin's confidence disappears immediately after the phrase, as he chokes and begins to cough, digesting what he heard. Jeno couldn't just quit hockey. Jeno slips him a glass of water, and Jaemin quickly overcomes the pain in his throat by drinking down the stuck food.

“Is it a joke?” Jaemin is curious, continuing to take large sips. To his surprise, Jeno just shakes his head, smiling sheepishly and continuing to eat. “Are you got injured?”

Jeno rolls his eyes at this and puts the cutlery down on the table with a thud, giving Jaemin a displeased look.

“I said that I quit hockey,” he says. “It was my own choice. Nothing forced me to do it.”

“But you…” Jaemin blinks quickly, mastering thoughts and the way to say them. “Your whole life it was Lee Jeno the star of hockey. You lived in it. You couldn't just-”

“Quit?” Jeno smiles and nods with understanding why Jaemin thinks so. The latter decides that he should keep the words down because Jeno probably has heard it from everyone who knows him at least a little. “I'm not the Jeno you think of, Jaemin.”

Jaemin simply agrees with this remark with a gaze, because it really looks like this. He was never sure if he really knew Jeno. And now he especially doubts it. He remembers Jeno, but he no longer knows him.

“I'm just trying to understand,” Jaemin also stops eating. His stomach had enough energy to digest this conversation without wanting to throw up on his knees. Coffee is really tasty, too. “What made you quit what you devoted your life to?”

Jeno laughs loudly, throwing his head back, but there is nothing funny about the gesture. He just lets out all the pain he's been harboring since the move to a new town.

“You know, I never explained why to anyone,” he says, calming down. “But I would like to tell you everything, honestly.”

Jaemin blinks his long eyelashes in surprise again, hiding his embarrassment behind a cup of coffee. Just a few words from Jeno where he tries to pretend that Jaemin is someone special to him and his heart does somersaults. What a poor guy. Not to mention the fact that the feeling of his heart beating faster from nerves is also enhanced by self-loathing because Mark doesn't know anything that Jaemin has decided… Why did he come here today?

"I'm listening," Jaemin finally agrees. “I promise not to reveal your secret to anyone.”

Jeno smiles at this more honestly than all the other times before. He makes a long “hm-m-m” sound as he thinks about what to say, and after taking a deep breath, he speaks almost non-stop.

“So, I was stupid,” he says, and it does not sound like an aggregation, but as if he really thinks so. “Arrogant. I was thinking about myself so much that I was detached from reality. And I want to tell you that it really,” Jeno keeps his gaze fixed on Jaemin, “really hurts a lot when you land.”

Jaemin puts his face in his hands and starts massaging his temple. His early woke up finally hits his head and Jaemin even rubs his eyes, still thinking about how to explain to at least someone what has been happening inside him for several years in a row.

“I have achieved a lot at the level of our town. At the level of some local hockey league to be honest. But when I got to the place I dreamed of for so long, I realized that there was nowhere to grow up. I was the best here to become the worst there. While I watched how my friends were promoted to the best teams, I sat in the reserve, forgetting how the ice felt under my feet. I forget what it feels like when the stands are buzzing your name. I was just there. Getting paid for doing almost nothing. And I got to the point that I have prayed for an injury to get back home. I need to have a reason to go home. Because I didn't have the courage to quit by myself.”

"You said you had a five-year contract," Jaemin says when Jeno falls silent for a long time.

“Yes,” he nods. “It turned out that it terminated easily if you did not live up to expectations,”  Jeno smiles sadly and refills his coffee. Jaemin pushes his cup too. “I dreamed so high and didn’t know that I had to stop it and should think about the reality of my dreams. It was necessary... to perceive and hold on to what was really worth the time and effort.”

“Jeno, it's not a mistake that you chose hockey,” Jaemin says, disagreeing with his pessimism. “You got a chance, you took it, and it didn't work out. Move on.”

Jeno howls with laughter at Jaemin's harshness.

“So what am I doing here then, according to you?”

"I came here to find out," Jaemin smiles, tilting his head to the side. “We are not friends, I am not suggesting it, but I am ready to listen if you need it.”

"I don't want to be friends with you," Jeno cuts off. “Now that my dream has been shattered, I can't stop thinking about what would have happened if I hadn't gone then.”

“Stop it, it’s not worth a thought anyway.”

"I can't control my head," Jeno says, swirling the cup in his hand. “I get it, don't worry. You and Mark.”

A thought shoots into Jaemin's head before he realizes he's sounding it out.

“You are not here because of me, are you?” he says, confused.

But luckily, Jeno shakes his head.

“This university is the only one where there is hockey. And they allowed me to be a free listener and enter the first year without exams.”

Jaemin perks up, flashing a smile.

“Then I might be your curator next year.”

Jeno laughs at this and looks at him askance, squinting.

“You sound as if you want it.”

Jaemin waves his hand in denial.

“We probably will have different courses. I study audio systems and sound and I do not recommend it.”

Jeno sends Jaemin his dreamy smile and they freeze, shamelessly staring at each other in silence for several minutes.

“I can try to enter your major if you will really be my supervisor next semester.”

“Jeno.”

“Seriously. Just tell me before this semester is over. I do not mind.”

“You should choose what you like, not what I or anyone else tells you to.”

"I've already chosen once," Jeno’s rolling his eyes again. “I don't know what I want, Jaemin. I thought I would play hockey all my life. And here I am, living in a town where I only know the guy from school, the guy whose heart I broke, and everyone else I know here is people who hate me because they think I'm going to be their new captain.”

“You didn't break my heart.”

“Is that the only thing you’ve heard?” Jeno grimaces in displeasure. “You don't have to pretend that I didn't decide everything for the two of us back then. I didn't even listen to your position. Just dropped you like a loopy puppy.”

Jeno, disappointed in himself, throws the fork he had been holding all this time out of his hand. Jaemin gives him a few seconds to reformat his own feelings and thoughts but still decides to say what he's been thinking about for a long time.

“You did everything right.”

“Jaemin, no-”

“Listen,” he asks, folding his hands on the table in a lock, and taking a deep breath to gain courage. He must say what he did not voice even to himself. And what he will regret later, but the chance is always singular. “If you had listened to me then, I think we would not be here now. Nothing would have worked out for us. Because a long-distance relationship is not something that both of us could afford. And over time, it would fall apart. And we both know it. But now…” Jaemin frowns, deciding if the next words are really worth the existence between them. “Now we have a new chance.”

It took Jeno more time than he expected to process Jaemin's words. Jeno looks at him with his mouth open, slowly blinking his eyes. Then a look out the window helps him come to his senses. But he does not return to Jaemin.

“Did I get right– what did you mean?”

Jaemin purses his lips because he can't confirm it so directly.

"Mark doesn't know I'm here, and he shouldn't know," he reminds. "I don't plan to break up with him just because you're back. I don't know you, and you do not know me. So I won't do anything hasty, because I don't want to lose what I've been building with Mark all this year. However, I can't ignore that… Jeno, I'm not asking you to wait for me to decide, understand me.”

“But then why you said–”

"I just wanted to be honest with you," Jaemin interrupts and gets off the chair. “The coffee is very tasty, thank you.”

Jeno finally returns his gaze, examining the boy. Jaemin shuffles back to the front door in his cat slippers.

“Mark doesn't deserve to be dumped right here and now, because I saw my first love, okay?” says Jaemin frankly, putting on his shoes. Jeno remains in the kitchen, watching his movements. “He is a good person. And you are too. You and I need to try to exist in the same space without "what if" thoughts.”

“I don't want friendship…” Jeno says quietly, just like a child who is not allowed to play on the phone.

“Then stay away from me,” Jaemin informs sternly. 

Jeno stands up and angrily sways close to Jaemin.

“So you wanna say that back then when we knew each other for like two or three months you were ready to date me. You were ready to dump everyone else because of me and– no, Jaemin, listen fucking me this time– right now, you say, you don’t know me enough?”

“Jeno, it’s complicated. I have Mark, and you weren’t there this whole time.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here! I’ve thought it’d be better this way, okay?”

“Ghost me? Throw me away from your life like I was nothing?” Jaemin lost the end of his words with the way it burns inside him all these years.

“I didn’t–”

“Yes, Jeno! You did! It is how I feel it!” Jaemin pinches Jeno’s chest with his fingers right in his heart because it’s where he felt his pain back then.

“So look, I was right. You lived your life, happily, without me. Found a lover,” Jeno spits the last word among his cold tone voice, “You’d not have it if I was right there.”

Jaemin knows he is right. But it’s not justify anything he came through.

“So, yeah, we don’t know each other. At the same time, there’s no one who knows me better than you.” Jeno takes a step back, clenching his fists.

“I know your past, but I don’t know your present.”

Jeno shows his lopsided smile.

“Do you want to change it?”

Jaemin snorts.

“Close the door behind me.”

And he jumps out of the apartment faster than Jeno can say anything.

The semester and the second year end successfully for all of Jaemin's friends and him himself too. In fact, this is one of the main reasons why he agrees to help organize the party. Mark, as the captain of the hockey team, simply could not be a shame of his friends, so he quickly found a house that students would be happy to stain in alcohol, noise, and even certain bodily fluids.

“I can say you’re the one who chose the playlist,” Jisung mutters, approaching Jaemin with a full cup of alcohol. Maybe that little guy had a cute face, but he drank alcohol the most out of all of Jaemin's acquaintances. Clean. Without adding anything. Jaemin can smell cheap whiskey a meter away.

“I'm not going to agree to the opinion of an emo-punk rock fan,” Jaemin jokes, and Jisung just rolls his eyes and takes a sip. But he chokes on it when a cute girl grabs his arm with a cup in it.

“Jisung, am I right?!” she asks very happily and Jisung just nods, glancing at Jaemin. He laughs at him and wipes the remains of alcohol from his clothes. “Do you know where Jeno is?”

“I am not his own secretary.”

“I know, but I really need to talk to him!” continues the girl in a high voice.

“Then you're lucky?” Jisung smiles, pursing his lips, and he manages to push the girl's hand off him. He nods his head in the direction from where the hero of the conversation is heading towards them.

Jeno is wearing his usual look today: a dark denim jacket and black jeans, torn as if after a fight. Jaemin and his style, which includes classic pants with a sports top, just can't survive the look of such atrocity. But it probably speaks of his hatred and a wild desire to suffocate it. When he can't. Because if the hatred disappears then any reason to refuse communication with Jeno will also be expelled. So he can't, he knows, and he will continue to hate Jeno with all his guts.

“Jen, she has a question for you?” Jisung says uncertainty, and stands next to Jaemin, watching the scene in front of him with an interested face. Jaemin pulls out his phone and stares at it, pretending not to be interested.

“Do we know each other?” Jeno asks politely, stretching his smile.

"No, but my friend that you have met on Grindr got into a little incident right before the party," she says, blushing as she tells that to the three of them. She never slows down out of her nerves. “You wanted to meet today at the party, right?”

“Hmm,” Jeno agrees. “He could just write to me, though?”

Jeno casts a timid glance at the boys. Jaemin ignores him, but Jisung flashes a smile, pleased with the new gossip he can share with his friends. That includes Chenle, Mark, and Haechan, so not really much.

“Oh, that's the point,” the girl sighs. “Minho drove into a pole and broke his arm and his phone. He was very embarrassed to ask me, but he wanted you to know that he wasn't trying to ghost you, so-”

"Okay, okay, I understand," Jeno interrupts her. “Tell him I wish him a fast recovery and he should write to me after all this.”

"Huh," Jaemin blurts out, but he pretends to have seen something hopelessly outrageous on the phone.

Jeno takes out the phone and hands it to the girl.

“Leave me his Telegram or something. I will send him a message. He’d read it later.”

“Sure!” she rejoices, and that's how they end the conversation. Jeno leads her with his gaze to the very door of the house.

There aren't many students around yet, but every minute someone comes pouring alcohol into glasses. Speaking of which, Jeno takes a sip of Jisung's drink to wet his throat, but quickly regrets it. Oh, he doesn't know how much Ji has grown, Jaemin realizes.

“It’s horrible– Are you drinking medical alcohol?” Jeno coughs.

“Yeah, but colored one,” Jisung answers and takes his cup from Jeno’s hands. “Do you think they are selling something good for such a price? Whatever, you didn't say that you actively use Grindr?” Jisung smiles slyly, eliciting information. Jeno rolls his eyes and folds his arms across his chest. “Since when?”

“What’s your deal? Do you need help with it?” Jeno smiles.

"Oh, so you're already a pro," Jaemin interjects and hides his phone. He knows his voice is full of bile, but he doesn't hold back. “Funny, considering our last conversation.”

"Oh, hi, Jaemin," Jeno said, mocking a surprised face. “I didn't even notice you here. Surely you wanted me to when you didn't look at me even once while I was here?”

It's Jaemin's time to roll his eyes and he just turns on his heels and goes away from the two boys. Jisung's face gets elongated from this reaction, but Jeno is satisfied and, winking at the younger one, goes after Jaemin. Jaemin decided to go to the up floor of the house, which is not yet occupied by any of the students. It's quiet, and spacious, and Jeno shouldn't have been there. But.

“So why are you running away from me so quickly?” Jeno calls him in the back.

Jaemin stops with a heavy exhale. He already had enough of talking to Jeno, who he had ignored all the weeks since their last meeting.

“You think too much about yourself,” he turns to Jeno and crosses his arms over his chest in an attempt to create a shield. Jeno stops just a hand away from him. “I just didn't expect that you would use apps to find a one-night stand.”

“I use apps to meet new people,” Jeno corrects him and rests his shoulder on the wall, examining Jaemin from head to toe with a satisfied smile. “Whatever is the difference does it make to you? Are you jealous?”

Jaemin chuckles and shakes his head.

“You wish. I’m simply surprised.”

“So then why did you run away?”

"I didn’t–" Jaemin is already tired of the questions so he just throws up his hand. “Listen, it's none of my business. However, I didn't expect that. You said… I get what you tried to say, ok? You still like me. That's why I didn't expect you to move on so soon after our meeting. That's all. I don't blame you. It just blows my mind a little.”

“Yeah… so that is, I am right, and you are jealous,” Jeno smiles with satisfaction.

“No.”

“Huh,” Jeno's jacket crawls with a pleasant "sheesh" along the wall closer to Jaemin. “Do you wanna say that if I meet someone here and you see me with them, then you... will not react in any way?”

"You're such a jackass," Jaemin gets angry, but he doesn't move away from Jeno. “I can't believe that I thought you were different from other boys. I used this app as well. Jeno, let's be honest, it’s not for dating or meeting new people,” Jaemin mocks Jeno at that and Jeno smiles at him, “but for quick sex. And yes, it hurts to think that I believed we might have another chance, and you-”

“And me looking for a rebound, since you're dating Mark?” Jeno interrupts, playfully tilting his head to the side. “Oh, I'm sorry for using the only way I know how to forget you.”

Jaemin falls silent, surveying the boy with a frightened look mixed with shame at Jeno's frankness.

“Rather, not to forget,” Jeno thinks sharply. “More to distract myself. Because, oh, believe me, it's hard to look at you and Mark and not have anything for myself. Nice to know you're jealous, though.”

"I'm not," Jaemin insists, more annoyed this time.

“So then why are you so mad that I'm getting to meet someone there?” Jeno smiles again and takes another step closer. “This is the only way I can forget you,” he says and grabs Jaemin's shoulders, pinning him against the wall with his whole body. One of Jeno's hands is near Jaemin's head, the other is holding the wallpaper somewhere at the level of Jaemin's thigh. This way Jaemin is locked in a cage, and he has no way to escape. He doesn’t want to anyway, but for the sake of his conscience, he should. “Do you want me not to forget? You.”

They are very close that way. Jeno can count Jaemin's eyelashes that reach his eyebrows since his eyes are open wide. He smells like apples and soap. They breathe the same air. And like back then, at school, it blows Jeno’s mind, but now he has better control over himself and his urges to do something stupid, so he doesn't come closer. He still looks at Jaemin's lips anyway.

“Jeno, I’ve chosen Mark,” Jaemin pronounces clearly, resting his hands on Jeno's chest not pushing him away.

"I hope," Jeno whispers, leaning into Jaemin's ear, "you understand that while you're with him, you'll think about me. But if you were with me, you wouldn't even notice him around.”

Jeno has eaten a lot of Jaemin’s patience to this moment, so right after those words he was sent by the force of Jaemin’s blow to the other wall. Jeno just laughs at that.

“You are disgusting,” Jaemin blurts out, wiping his hands on himself as if he has dirt on it.

“I, or your feelings for me?” Jeno asks cheekily and honestly. Jaemin just clenches his jaw in displeasure. “I don't know what game you are playing, but I’ve accepted your rules. You said not to approach you, which I do. But then don't you dare be jealous of what you do to me, too.”

“I’m not-”

“Jealous. Yes, you are,” Jeno disagreed one more time, speaking faster than Jaemin. He stated the fact and it was pointless for Jaemin to convince him otherwise. “As long as you are with Mark, I will do everything not to think about you. As soon as you want to change my position, you know where to find me.”

“I hate you.” Jaemin spits it out of the boiling rage he feels, but he knows he didn’t mean it at all. That makes him more angry at himself.

Jeno smiles again at his last words, nods, and then shrugs.

“We'll see what you’d say later.”

And with these words, he leaves Jaemin behind. According to Jaemin, it closes a certain stage in the lives of both of them.

Jaemin's third year starts with a kiss from Mark on his forehead early in the morning. It's also boys' first night in Mark's new apartment, which he rented with the money he saved up over the summer. On the negative side, his work started at 8 AM. Therefore, Mark moved all his studies to the evening, and Jaemin understood that now every weekday would be hard labor for Mark. Anyway, being in his 4th year of uni it is a great option for job hunting.

Besides, for Jaemin it was nice to sometimes have a place to rest away from the noisy dorm.

“Keys are on the table,” Mark reports. “Don't forget, today is the selection for the hockey team.”

“Do I really have to be there?” Jaemin lazily turns over on his side and looks at Jeno. He blinks quickly and clears his eyes. Mark looks at him disapprovingly, pouting his lips. Drowsiness makes Jaemin crazy.

“Yes, if you want to see how I rile Jeno up,” Mark smiles and moves a mess out of Jaemin's hair.

“Oh, okay.”

Jaemin blinks again, but Mark no longer transforms into Jeno in front of his gaze. He’s going crazy, the fuck.

This summer has been amazing. Even Mark's desire to establish himself in the city so Jaemin had to constantly travel here as if he was returning to study again. The main disadvantage was that he very often caught the eye of Jeno, who also stayed in the city because of the apartment and deals with the university. He was preparing for his freshman year and was still deciding what course he wanted to do. Jaemin learned about this from Jisung, because he had never spoken to Jeno after their last conversation.

It’s strange, even painful, but Jeno accepted Jaemin's choice. He didn't try to get close to him, he didn't show any signs of hostility towards Mark despite the fact that they met periodically on the ice for training.

Several times the three of them had a conversation about Jeno's future, and Mark gave him advice on the courses he should look up to. Although it was clear that Jeno had made up his mind a long time ago, he simply did not want to tell anyone until the moment when he would be accepted.

Meanwhile, Jisung joked that he was a senior to Jeno and that Jeno should respect him as a senior. Jaemin just hoped that Jeno had given up on the idea of entering his major. Because, as Jaemin wanted, he became a curator. So his desire to see Jeno there today was reduced to zero.

“Curator,” Jisung picks up Jaemin's badge and falls on the chair next to him. Jaemin rubs his tired eyes and nods. “Jeno’s curator is Renjun and I feel very sorry about that.”

“Jeno does not need a curator, he knows this university is not like a first-year student,” Jaemin says. “Also, Renjun isn’t that bad. He just doesn’t wanna help new birds too much. Also, did you know I have Chenle in the group?”

“Oh, I saw he changed the university, but I didn't know he came here!” Jisung smiles with frank joy. Chenle and he were friends at school. Maybe even more, but Jaemin was so busy with drama and graduation that he never found out the truth. “We just need to lure Haechan here and then the best representatives of our school will ensemble.”

"Oh, please, Haechan hangs out with us at every party like he's studying here," Jaemin hisses.

“He said technical specialty does not suit him,” the third voice flows smoothly into the conversation. Jeno sits down at the table where Jaemin and Jisung left their coffee. And smiles at them both.

“Did you speak to Haechan?” Jaemin wonders, trying to pretend that he doesn't start to get nervous just from one look at him. Jeno’s look.

Each of their meetings is a swing where they both know how they feel, but neither plans to do anything out of respect for each other. Jaemin saw Jeno with other people, but judging by everything, his feelings were not rebuilt. And Jaemin did not condemn him. Because despite Mark, being precious to Jaemin, he himself could not stop thinking about Jeno. At night before going to sleep. About how it could be if he just wasn't a stupid coward and if he had willpower, and wasn't afraid of a change. Jaemin was so ashamed of his thoughts at first, but now he got used to it and all the mess in his head became the norm for him.

"Sometimes," Jeno smiles, nodding. “He knocked on my dm’s when he saw that I was in town.”

"They had a date," Jisung blurts out and gets a hateful look from Jeno. Jaemin's chair suddenly becomes very hard.

“It wasn’t a date,” Jeno clenches his jaw and checks Jaemin's reaction to the new information. He slides uncomfortably in place but puts on a polite smile. “We are just friends.”

They both remember high school years and how it was obvious that Haechan had a crush on Jeno as well as Jaemin. Sad but true, Jeno was more into Jaemin back then. What Jeno doesn’t know is that Haechan and Jaemin also shared an interest in Mark in their first year in uni, too. It was never a problem between them. These two just like the same type of boys. Just an inside joke now. However, Jaemin can’t even laugh.

“He stays at your place almost every day,” Jisung rolls his eyes and folds his hands on his chest.

“J, it's none of your business,” Jaemin is angry, because he didn't want to know this, and it's clear that Jeno didn't want Jaemin to know either. “You can't just talk about other people's personal lives like that.”

The younger one just grunts with a smug smile and leads his shoulder. Of course, he wouldn't do it to others. However, he always has tried to bump Jeno and Jaemin and aim his Cupid's arrows straight into their asses. Unsuccessfully. Here, even the goddess of love herself will not help, if the reality of life and the value of relationships between people are on the edge of the abyss.

Jaemin has not been at the ice arena of the university for a long time. In the first year, he was engaged in speed skating – where he met Mark – but as soon as physical education ended in the second year, he stopped coming to the kingdom of cold. He didn't even attend Mark's games, because he was not interested in it.

Funny, he had never missed any of Jeno’s games.

This time he was waiting for Mark on the bench and his boyfriend drove up to him as soon as he left the locker room. Jaemin approaches with a smile, leaning on the side. Mark takes off his helmet and kisses him deeply instead of a simple "hello".

“It is for a few hours,” Mark informs. “There is water, I left it for you just in case.”

Jaemin nods and they both return to their places. He watches the team from his VIP seat as they do a quick warm-up. Despite a full gear, he can easily recognize Jeno's figure.

He glides on the ice in a way that some cannot walk on the ground. Just floats around as a ghost among more under-educated kids who are no match for him at all. Ice is a place where Jeno becomes the exact person Jaemin knew back in school. The feeling of déjà vu drips bitterly on his old wounds. It seems to Jaemin that it has all happened already. But here and now he is not for Jeno's pleasure, still– his eyes are fixed only on him. It's organic, natural, because he can't help but look at a masterpiece in its prime. The lump in Jaemin’s throat gets stuck until the very end of the workout.

Then the coach lines everyone up and asks Jeno and Mark to roll forward.

“I think it's no secret for anyone that Jeno is our weapon for the upcoming games,” the man says, slapping Jeno’s uniform. “I think it will be right if Jeno will make decisions together with Mark.”

“But it was always chosen only by the captain and the coach?” Mark says, turning to the coach.

“I am ready to give my right to vote to Jeno,” the man smiles. Jeno hangs his head down, shaking his head disapprovingly.

“Well, that is not fair. I'm the captain, not him. We agreed that this year there will be no change of captain,” Mark says displeased, turning around on his skates in the direction of Jeno. “I understand that he is a professional hockey player, but changes in the hierarchy are not fair to others. How will they listen to me if Jeno has more respect from the coach?”

Jeno starts to laugh at Mark's outrage.

“Then let's change the captain?” he says, also turning to the boy.

Jaemin tenses up and comes closer to the sides.

“What?” Mark sharply pulls off his helmet and his gaze is flooded with despair at the words he heard. “We have already discussed it with you.”

Jeno also pulls off his helmet and a cocky smile plays on his lips as he slyly tilts his head to the side.

“We discussed this when I thought you were worthy of the title of captain and would listen to my opinions. But now I see that you just need to rule people and keep them close to you no matter what.”

Several guys buzzed in surprise at Jeno's response, because it was a very low blow.

"You're not talking about hockey right now," says Mark coldly.

“You’re smart but arrogant.”

Mark closes his eyes to calm himself down and takes noticeable deep breaths as Jeno just grins harder, enjoying the way he's getting the boy off. Was this his plan from the beginning? Kick out Mark so that he would be ashamed in front of his own team.

“What do you suggest?” Mark asks with a cold mind, clearing his thoughts with his breath.

“We could choose the teams, who will win he will get everything the other asks for,” Jeno holds out his palm.

"Bet," Mark agrees and takes his hand. The coach breaks their palms.

The team is divided as in all other games: everyone chooses players in turn. It takes a few minutes, and later the trainer enthusiastically waves the paper scoreboard toward Jaemin.

“Finally, a really interesting game at this arena!” he declares. Jaemin can’t share his enthusiasm.

However, he was right, it really is interesting. Because despite Mark's little experience in hockey, Jeno's talent and his knowledge, the match is not easy for both of them. Either way, both are good strategists and even though their game is short, two halves of 20 minutes each, Jaemin got to remember all the days he has gone to watch Jeno and cheered for him.

All those games in which Jeno dedicated his victories to him, but only they knew about it. Games that made Jaemin never go look at Mark again because his sick brain kept thinking about Jeno and comparing them to each other, even though he didn't want to. It was automatic. And here and now he didn't even have to compare. He’s seen.

With the score 5:4, Jeno's team joyfully flies up to him for a hug on the joys of the first victory with the newcomers in the arena. On the other hand, Mark pulls off his helmet sharply again and throws it on the ice, causing snowflakes to fly around.

“Are you happy now?!” he shouts. “You are the captain! Is this what you wanted?!”

He flies toward Jeno with a hard brake, kicking up the snow around them again. Jeno takes off his helmet and flashes a smile in the boy's direction, shaking his head.

“Well, I’ve wanted to tell you that the game was interesting and you are a very good hockey player,” Jeno teases, putting the helmet under his arm. “I will not be the captain, this place is yours.” Mark moves back and looks at Jeno in disbelief. “I said that the one who wins will get what he wants.”

“So what do you want then?”

Jeno turns his head sharply and looks in Jaemin's direction. Mark follows his gaze and turns green as soon as he realizes who they are both looking at. Jaemin straightens up in surprise.

“He's not something we should play around with,” Mark pulls up to Jeno and says it quietly, just for the two of them. Jeno agrees with him with a nod and turns his gaze to Mark. “Choose something else. Not a person. He will decide for himself.”

Jeno smiles at this as if he knows more than Mark realizes.

“You are right,” he says. “So I will tell you what I want, but later. When the time comes. Now, just remember that if you won't do what I’ll ask you in the future, I'll do anything to make you lose your place in the team.”

Mark huffs with disgust on his face.

“Do you think he will be pleased that you wanted to play him out like a prize?”

“I played for him. You'll understand it too late, Mark. Congratulations, man," Jeno pokes his fist into Mark’s uniform. “And have a nice graduation year.”

Jaemin has been unable to sleep for several days after the game. He always expects at least something from Mark: accusations, suspicions, a break of their relationship. (This makes him feel at ease, but he can’t agree with it openly.) Nothing is happening. Between them, everything is always as it was. Mark doesn't even mention the dialogue between him and Jeno, nor the way Jeno looks at Jaemin at the end. He just pretends as nothing happened.

As always, the first-year celebration ends with a noisy party in the dormitory. The corridors and common living room are crowded with people, some rooms are open and receive guests, while others, like Jaemin's, are closed and with the lights off.

Because he cannot stop thinking and having fun outside with drunk friends will not help him stop the flow of thoughts.

What if he and Jeno could start dating at school? What if Jaemin stopped Jeno the night he told him he got the overseas contract? What if they would not just flirt, kiss, run after each other back then? What if-

An insistent knock on the door jolts Jaemin out of bed.

“Yo, Jaemin!” Haechan sounds furious. “Stop being depressed! You are not even in the last year! Pick up your ass and get out.”

“I'm not in the mood!” Jaemin answers loudly.

“So find it!” Haechan shouts even louder. “Mark is getting drunk here! You'd follow your nightingale, huh?”

This quickly gets Jaemin out of bed and he literally runs out the door.

“Where is he?” he says worriedly, quickly moving his eyes around.

"I don't know," Haechan smiles and before Jaemin can run, he hugs him and carries him into the stream with the people. “Have you talked with him all week after that game?”

Jaemin openly growls at the boy but shakes his head. Haechan studied at another university, however, he knew all the gossip from others, including where Jaemin studied.

“We have, but he doesn't care, I suppose.”

“What about Jeno?”

“What do you mean?”

“Did you talk to him?”

“Of course not! He wanted to make me a prize bet! Haechan!”

They stop at the alcohol table and Haechan hands Jaemin a glass of Coke (and there's definitely something else in there).

"Look, I've become Jeno's best friend these past few months, and believe me, he wasn't planning on playing you. He just wanted to make a little mess in Mark's head, but it turned out that you went crazy,” Haechan smiles. “This was my plan, by the way, but I did not think that it would turn out like this.”

Jaemin slaps his neck for the fact that his villainous idea really got life in reality. Haechan just hisses at him but doesn't add anything else.

“Why are you all trying to ruin our relationship with Mark,” Jaemin grumbles and takes a sip. Yes, there is also a huge dose of vodka. “Everything is fine with us, but you are trying to make it worse with your conversations and plans.”

Haechan tiredly rolls his eyes at Jaemin's whining and lets his hands go when he realizes that the boy isn't going to run away from him to a lonely hell.

“No one is planning anything. Sorry, J and I know what you and Jeno were doing in school. And for many of us it was a tragedy that you never became a couple, Jaemini,” he pokes his cheek. “I know Mark is a cool guy, but the way you look at Jeno every time you run into each other on campus… You are like a puppy. And he is too…”

“Haechan, I love Mark,” Jaemin shakes his head so that the boy stops making up his own world. “I understand that Jeno is your friend, but I have a boyfriend, we are happy, and I don't want to change anything.”

“And do you really not feel anything for Jeno?” Haechan tilts his head to the side with a sly smile. Jaemin rolls his eyes again.

“If it is a question of the fact that you still have an interest in Jeno then go ahead. I don't reserve him for myself,” Jaemin throws up his hand and, oh no, the lie tastes like spoiled milk and fish on his tongue.

“Please, I beg you, I have no interest in him. Ruining our friendship where I can sleep every day without smelling my roommate? For sex with him? I'd rather be his bestie. By the way! Do you know what nickname Jeno got from your classmates?!”

Jaemin shakes his head.

“I am absolutely not interested-”

“The Big-”

“Haechan, I don't want to know!”

“No, listen! It's funny! The Big-”

“Haechan! Shut up!”

A dramatic exhale from Haechan and Jaemin is ready to suffocate him so he can never get air in his lungs again.

“Okay, I have another question.  May I know why did you started dating Mark in the first place, hm?” The boy leans on the table with alcohol, looking seriously at Jaemin for the first time. “You met him at the arena, became friends, and then, oh, you're already dating. How could you get there?”

Jaemin laughs and puts the glass on the table. Why is Haechan trying to convince him of feelings he knows better? Because he feels them. Not Haechan, Mark or Jeno.

“Well, we weren't friends, we went on dates. Then I realized that he is a cool guy. I like how our relationship is developing and was satisfied with his attitude towards me. We have hardly ever fought since we started dating and I feel that I have stability and security with him.”

Haechan stares at Jaemin for a long time with slight disgust on his expression, which he washes down with bitter alcohol while clearing his throat.

“I have the impression that you described the employment contract.”

“Haechan…” Jaemin mutters through his teeth in a dead voice.

“It’s not a joke, dude. If you would say that your head is over hills when he kisses you. Or that some force draws you to him as if you are two magnets. That one look in his eyes on you makes you want to scream– I would believe that this is love. Now I think that Mark is just comfortable, and you are afraid to lose that comfort. It's not even about Jeno now. It’s the fact that if Mark really loves you, then you date him out of pity.”

A small dose of alcohol prevents Jaemin from really thinking about Haechan's lecture. This guy has had 0 successful relationships in his life to take his advice seriously.

“Have you ever felt the love when you would be ready to jump across oceans just to see them?” Haechan keeps going.

Jaemin shakes his head in annoyance.

“Yes, it was in adolescence, and as soon as I grew up, I did not feel it towards anyone else. I think true love is what I have with Mark.”

“Yes, the love where you are afraid to say a word so as not to lose him. Where you’re thinking about another person every day, which makes your knees tremble, but you are afraid that you will be fucked up again and nothing will come of your relationship with him.”

“You’re poking your nose in none of your business.”

“So you want to say that you have no feelings for Jeno?” Haechan rises sharply. "I'm sorry, but it wasn't me who barged into his apartment at the first opportunity and told him unequivocally that you still like him," he says loudly. “You want to say that I'm bad here because I'm trying to help two dumbasses, when you are the one who created misery in the heads of various people, including yourself!”

“Fuck you.”

“And I will gladly enjoy it,” Haechan declares and with his middle finger in the air, he swims away from Jaemin, who is ready to break his head with hatred.

Again, he hates himself. Because no matter what, there was a grain of truth in Haechan's words.

Jaemin calls it “Haechan's curse” because every time he mentions someone, that person meets them the next day. If you think about shit here is it, but Jaemin didn't really want to associate Jeno with something so disgusting. In the desire to save himself from shame, Jaemin simply turns on his heels and pinches in the other direction so as not to meet Jeno face-to-face.

Unsuccessfully. The guy catches up with him in a few tens of seconds and literally pulls him into the first empty audience by the hand and closes the door behind them, leaning on it so that Jaemin understands for sure: until they won’t talk, none of them will leave the room.

“Jeno, I have an important seminar right now.” Jaemin steps forward with a disappointed shake of his head, but Jeno only moves to the side where Jaemin could have left his hand if he'd been allowed to grab the handle. This does not happen so he folds his hands on his chest, breathing hard. “What do you need? Tell faster.”

"You're ignoring me," Jeno says calmly and keeps his intense gaze on the boy. Jaemin just silently shakes his head again, denying his opinion. “No, Jaemin, this is a fact. You've been ignoring me for the last few days at least. Not that we talked much before that, but you didn't run away from me before turning on your heels in the other direction. Well- except that day at the party when we…”

Jaemin has nothing to say about it because Jeno literally just caught him doing it. So this time he shrugs and throws up his hand.

“You played a hockey game trying to bet on me, what else did you expect after that?” he says, wearily leaning on the desk in the front row. He had enough work for today and an exhausting emotional conversation with Jeno wasn't on his to-do list. “Do you think that you can see me as a property, and I should feel grateful to you for this? Because you give your attention to me and only me? Or what?”

Jeno looks at him in dismay but thinks for a few hard seconds before saying anything.

“Damn, you can really believe that I am able to make a bet on you,” he says with a disgusted snort. “Did I tell Mark to do something? Did it affect you? At least something? On what accusation is it all based?”

“How do I know, he didn't tell me what you asked!” Jaemin shouts because he couldn't hide that it was eating him from the inside. Mark didn't tell him anything. They bet on a wish, Jeno won and Mark will have to fulfill his request. But Jaemin did not know what Jeno asked. From the look Jeno gave him at the moment of victory, it was clear what he wanted. “You looked at me, and I just know that it has something to do with me!”

“This was the first game that I have played since the time of our school days where you were present! Of course, I looked at the one to whom I dedicated the victory!” Jeno also shouts, but his breath stops and he closes his mouth with a loud click of his teeth. He quickly tames the frenzy of the moment. It's sad that Jaemin thinks so badly of him, but he can't judge him either. “Every one of my victories was and will be dedicated to you. Whether you are nearby or not. I would never force you to do something you don't want to do. I can't believe you thought of that…”

Jaemin snorts with laughter, shocked at Jeno's audacity and his accusations. They do not know each other and he assesses the situation from the worst side. Not that Jeno would ever disrespect Mark, right? Jaemin had reason to think that he would play badly that time.

“Then, what did you ask Mark? You're not the captain, so you didn't play for that,” Jaemin understands, and Jeno nods. “What you wanted?”

“When the time comes, Mark will not compete with me,” Jeno answers honestly and raises a calm look at Jaemin.

He laughs at his cockiness.

“You still haven't given up on the idea of winning my favor?” Jaemin mocks. But Jeno does not take his reaction seriously. He moves forward sharply and comes next to the boy at arm's length. His gaze is so penetrating that Jaemin's skin rises from the tension between them. Otherwise, he would have instinctively moved away, but this is Jeno and his body only knows how to take a step forward or stay still. Which he does, letting out only a quiet voice from his lungs: “Oh.”

"I would never give up on the idea of you being around if I know I have a chance," Jeno whispers, looking down at Jaemin's nervously parted lips. His own voice shakes with nervousness, but he manages it enough to continue. Because Jaemin's speech was taken away. “I heard you back then. Mark, you chose him and I understand that. I would not jump into the river without knowing what is at the bottom. But… Mark is a phase. And one day you will outgrow it. Both of you.”

A click and Jeno's gaze are back on Jaemin's eyes, which are running from side to side across his face in fear. Because everything Jeno says is what Jaemin thought, but didn't say out loud to anyone. He didn't see a future with Mark. Rather, he had no desire. Mark was a great option while Jaemin was at university. But in the future, he would like to at least be alone.

“How are the guys from Grindr?” Jaemin is suddenly interested in a new topic, squinting, and Jeno grunts. “Were they helpful to forget me?”

“Mmm,” Jeno's twitches as he swallows and licks his lips. “Only those whom I can call "Jae" in the process.”

They stay silent for too long, not noticing their orbits coming closer and Jeno's hand suddenly resting on Jaemin's elbow and now they are within eye contact. Fascinated, Jeno raises his palm up and almost touches Jaemin's cheek with it, who just in time flies out of their joint slumber into reality and pushes Jeno’s hand away with a loud slap to the entire audience. It does a good job of jolting Jeno out of the fog and he jerks away from Jaemin.

"I'm sorry," they both say and before Jaemin can add "it's okay," Jeno leaves the room without closing the door.

Jaemin's pencil rests squarely in the center of his forehead while he's absorbed in thoughts that have nothing to do with the radio technology he's supposed to be working on before the seminar. An important paper, it had to be handed in in just a few days, but he did not complete even half of the laboratory work, being distracted by everything else.

As much as he didn't want to admit it, Jeno had a knack for messing with his head. Now there wasn't a day when Jaemin didn't think about Jeno. He didn't remember what a wonderful, sunny halo their school memories were surrounded by, Jaemin. Except for the days when Jaemin cried into his pillow because Jeno told him that he wasn't ready for a relationship because he wanted to focus on his car– Jaemin –eer even though Jaemin knew at the time that it was the right thing to do. But now he sometimes thinks that perhaps, Jaem, they were foolish to refuse it. They could come up with something. Jaemin could come, and Jeno…

“Jaemin!” Mark shouts at the entire library and it finally snaps the guy out of his thoughts. The people around look at the boys with anger due to the noise they made, and Jaemin blushes in shame, lowering his head. “I am calling you a lot of times at the last minute. Where is your mind stuck?”

Jaemin blinks at nostalgia and what-if plans and then looks at Mark. So. His. Current. Boyfriend. With whom they have been together for more than a year, they are doing well and Jaemin likes him. Loves. Yes, that's the right word.

“The test... I'm afraid I'll screw it up.”

“Oh,” Mark sighs and turns the page with Jaemin's work to himself. “You can pay for answers.”

“I don't need just a grade, but knowledge,” Jaemin shakes his head. “And I... I can't concentrate. Everything distracts me. And it sucks.”

He angrily throws his studies further down the table and closes himself in the palms of his hands out from the world. What a horror to admit that he has a mess in his head because of the boy whom he has ditched several times in a row.

“Do you want to go out of town on the weekend?” Mark runs his fingers along Jaemin's neck, calming him down. It would have worked before. Right now Jaemin is getting goosebumps because of it since he is embarrassed. His boyfriend couldn’t even know what he was thinking about all the time. It’s not fair to Mark. “Only you, me, the village, and the house in the pines.”

Jaemin smiles at his suggestion but shakes his head. The thought of being alone with Mark drives him crazy because he's afraid he'll ruin everything.

“I have a lot of work to do,” Jaemin lies and removes Mark’s hand, but leaves a kiss on it so it doesn't look rude. Mark purses his lips and nods.

The chair next to Mark moves out and the freshman puts her books next to the boy's hand.

“Mark, hello,” she whispers, glancing at Jaemin, but concentrating on who she's talking to. “I was told that you are here. Do you have a moment to help me?”

“Uhm…” Mark looks at Jaemin, and he nods because it doesn't bother him. For the next few minutes, Mark explains some completely obvious topics even to Jaemin, and both boys realize that the girl was just trying to steal Mark's personal time and talk to him.

When she finally leaves, Mark is silent for a few minutes, biting his lip in thought, and Jaemin decides he should calm him down.

“I'm not jealous.”

Mark chuckles and smiles.

“I know. You have never been jealous,” he answers, turning to him with a sad smile. “It's even a pity.”

“Oh?” Jaemin wonders, arching his eyebrows.

Mark shakes his head and closes his books, hurrying to pack up and leave.

“They say that if a person is not jealous, then they have no feelings,” he mutters. Mark doesn't give Jaemin an excuse and continues, raising his hand when he tries to insert a word. “I know that you just trust me so much. But sometimes I would like to…” He looks in the direction of the girl, who continues to look at him from the other side of the library. “To see your reaction, the desire to protect me from others. To own me. She's a crush on me, Jaemin, and you don't care that she can steal me.”

Jaemin laughs at his words, but Mark is not amused.

“I know that you will not fall for any cheap tricks and seductions,” Jaemin purrs, leaning on his arm and brushing his eyelashes.

“Yes,” Mark shakes his head. “Maybe this is the problem? You are not afraid to lose me.”

He leaves Jaemin, ending their conversation there. Usually, Mark kisses him goodbye, but this time Jaemin's cheek is cold from the lack of feelings.

Relationships with Mark were easy because even when they fight no one took a step to reconcile. Both of them pretended that nothing had happened and that no one was hurt, offended, or hurt by what happened. So when at a party a few days later Mark just walks up to Jaemin and starts kissing him passionately in front of everyone else Jaemin knows everything is fine.

He did not like to show his feelings in public, but he never refused Mark, who, on the contrary, liked to involve outsiders. Jaemin could only imagine what the people around him saw: how Mark grabbed his leg that Jaemin used to press against him and embraced it from behind the boy. How his fingers got tangled in Mark's long locks, because of the amount of mousse in them, he had done his hair prettily for tonight's party. They saw Jaemin clutching Mark’s shoulder, trying not to fall, until he was pressed against the wall for support.

And Mark's lips, they were everywhere. On his cheeks, his neck while Jaemin was leaning his head back against the wall, somewhere on his collarbone when Mark pulled his clothes away and left a bite there. A crimson stain fluttered through the transparent shirt.

"I've missed you," Mark says breathlessly as they pull away and lean his forehead against Jaemin's. “Where have you been all these days?”

“Seminars and labs drive me crazy.”

“Do I need to turn into them so that I will drive you crazy?” laughs Mark. Jaemin huffs and shakes his head, pushing the boy away from him. “I'm sorry. Our last conversation… I don't know why I got so angry.”

Mark's anger looks very cute if that's what it was. He didn't even raise his voice. Just disappeared. Jaemin strokes his cheek and laughs at that.

“No, you were right,” he notices. “I really should be more protective when someone is trying to flirt with you. Maybe it's just that I don't see worthy competitors?” Jaemin smiles. “Who am I and where are they?”

“What a narcissistic bitch you are,” Mark grumbles and falls into Jaemin's smile again, kissing him gently and sensually this time.

Jaemin doesn't stop smiling during the kiss. But he has a habit: because of the publicity of the place, he opens his eyes and examines who is around and damns him why he did it this time. Jaemin jerks so violently that Mark immediately flies away from him.

“What happened? Did I hurt you?” he wonders. But Jaemin just shakes his head, blushing like a tomato, at the same time building up anger enough to start a small engine.

Jeno only laughs into his fist at his reaction and turns his head back, listening to what his date for tonight pours on him. They're close enough for everyone to know that Jeno and this girl aren't just acquaintances at a party. Her thigh is almost resting on his leg, and his hand is politely held behind her, but still wrapped around so that no one else gets closer to them.

The spark of hatred in Jaemin's chest could burn down an entire forest, but he wasn't going to look for a hydrant. His body works automatically. As soon as the boy notices that Mark is about to turn and follow his gaze, which Jaemin has impressed so much, he sharply grabs Mark's jaw and pulls him back.

"You're mine," Jaemin concludes his verdict, looking into Mark's deep, twinkling eyes. He can only let out a surprised "oh!" when Jaemin greedily sinks into his lips and kisses him hungrily. Fumingly, like Mark from the beginning, but with a different mood. Jaemin brands him, marks who he belongs to tonight, but its not that lips he really needs.

He opens his eyes again and catches Jeno's eye, who is watching him with a sly smile, but there’s no pain, frustration, or hatred that Jaemin would like to see in return. As soon as Jeno realizes that Jaemin is watching him, he moves toward the girl's ear. His free hand becomes busy: he squeezes her waist and moves her on top of him, stroking her hair with his other hand.

Jaemin doesn't even notice how he mirrors Jeno's actions. He also squeezes Mark's side, also sinks his fingers into his hair. And does not take his eyes off Jeno. As soon as Jeno's hand is on the girl's back, Jaemin does the same, kissing Mark, and pulling him closer. When Jeno's lips descend on the stranger's neck, Jaemin also pulls away and moves there, ripping out a not-quiet moan from the boy's throat.

It pulls Jaemin back to reality and he pushes his boyfriend away, squinting at a confused Mark.

“You–” stutters the boy.

"Not here," Jaemin gasps. “I forgot where we are, sorry.”

Mark takes a deep gulp and shakes his head, finally coming to his senses. He smiles with satisfaction. Jaemin's shame might eat up half of this room, but Mark definitely confuses that emotion with debauchery.

“You have never behaved like that,” he notices. “What came to you?”

Jaemin nervously straightens his hair and takes out his phone. The party has just started, and he is already sick.

“I think I drank too much.”

Lie. He didn't take a sip. As soon as Jaemin was in the house, Mark grabbed him and started kissing him.

"Oh, it's sad then," Mark admits and takes Jaemin's hand. “Do you want to go upstairs?”

Jaemin shakes his head.

“No, I should probably go. I don't feel very well.” His head spins as he gets out of Mark's touch. You can't use people as puppets, and Jaemin had just almost made Mark into one. “I'm sorry that–”

“No, all is good!” Mark smiles. “Let me take you to–”

“No!” Jaemin shouts sharply. “I want to take a walk alone.”

“Oh. Okay, I understand, calm down,” Mark looks at the boy in fear and retreats. “Tell me when you will be at home.”

Jaemin mutters something indecipherable even to himself and hurries to run away. September’s evening air is still warm, but the weather itself is cool and this is a big problem for Jaemin, who did not plan to go home so soon. On the plus side, the cold brings him back to consciousness and he feels terrible guilt for Mark. They need to talk. Jaemin is simply not in a position to continue pretending that nothing happened, while constantly refusing to let Mark touch him and cancel their meetings because of "study". He did start studying more, but that wasn't the only reason.

Studying helped not to think. When Jaemin thought a lot, and not about the boy he should. His brain drew landscapes by itself, and he allowed it because only they soothed and gave him the desire to live.

“Hey!”

Jaemin turns and Jeno quickly follows him, but as soon as Jaemin notices him, he runs after.

“No!” Jaemin waves his hands and turns around, going further. “No, Jeno! Not today! I don't have the energy to talk to you right now! Go away!”

“But I wanted to praise you for the show!” Jeno sneers and catches up with him, grabbing Jaemin’s hand and turning him towards himself. “You followed my instructions so flawlessly! Even I was surprised!”

Jaemin painfully pulls his hand away from Jeno and shoves him in the chest.

“You’re such a jerk!” he shouts. “Nothing like that had happened! Wasn't it disgusting for you to look at me and Mark and ruin our moment?!”

Jeno laughs at him and moves towards Jaemin again shoving his hands into his jacket pockets.

“I was just looking at the one who was staring at me,” he smiles impudently.

Jaemin is shaking from the cold and from something else. He wants to scream, hit Jeno, and blame him because he is the one to blame for the mess in Jaemin's head. He is the culprit of everything that Jaemin regrets. It's all his fault that Jaemin can't breathe, sleep, eat, and study without thinking about Jeno and how close and far he is at the same time. Jaemin cannot simply destroy what he has built for a long time because of his burning desire for what he has already lost once.

Jeno takes off his jacket.

How Jaemin would like to dissolve and disappear. Not to hurt himself, like he's doing now, or Mark, whose heart he's going to break later. Because no matter if he delays the moment, it will come. Crush them both, and their perfect relationship, which will not be shaken if not Jeno enters the picture with his cheeky, self-confident smile that resembles the moon, but warms the sun.

Jeno throws the jacket over Jaemin’s shoulders and he feels the warmth as he relaxes.

"You're shaking," Jeno notices and adjusts the jacket on his shoulders. Jeno’s hands stay there and he squeezes Jaemin's forearm like he just wrapped a huge present.

“I want to hit you so badly,” Jaemin says honestly. His anger is redistributed into tears, but his eyes just slightly get wet.

Jeno huffs, his lips curling into a crooked smile.

“Then do it.”

Jaemin does not need to be allowed twice. He grabs Jeno's chest shirt and they slam into each other, keeping their feet just in time to prevent them from falling. And this moment again they’re breathing the same air, feeling the steam from another's mouth, Jaemin hears the rumbling staccato of the heart under his fist. Jeno's lips are almost under Jaemin's and he closes his eyes, wondering if he's ready to do something he'll regret right after.

"I won't let you," Jeno's voice is low on this phrase. Does he read his mind? Or what? Jeno's arms wrap around Jaemin and he tilts the boy's head to the side, close to his ear. This a repetition of the plot, but this time Jaemin does not mind and surrenders his defense. “You will not kiss me.”

“I-”

"I know what you’ve wanted," Jeno whispers, his fingers slowly tracing a line from Jaemin's ear down his neck, causing goosebumps. Pleasant one this time. Those that Jaemin wants to repeat again and again. “But I won't let you do it. You will regret it and I will lose you. Forever.”

"Jeno..." Jaemin's breath stops as Jeno’s other hand slips into the long hair at the nape of his neck.

“I will kiss you instead. Here,” Jeno's lips leave a kiss on the delicate skin behind Jaemin’s ear. “And here,” he goes down a little lower and kisses Jaemin’s pulse from the side. "Here, too," Jeno's tongue licks the dimple near Jaemin’s shoulder. “And the last one.”

Jeno bites Jaemin’s skin on his neck and Jaemin lets out a long moan because he's so tired of holding back. Hot tears finally leave his eyes and he closes his eyes painfully to keep them away. Jeno wipes them off in the same second, kissing Jaemin again on his cheek.

“Remember that you didn't kiss me, okay?” Jeno says, fooling Jaemin's stupid head because he thinks so too. Jaemin didn't kiss Jeno. He didn't do that. He was just there when Jeno kissed him.

“You need to go back to that girl,” Jaemin says completely calmly and comes to his senses, collecting himself. He needs to give things to the owner. “And I need to go home.”

“She knows where I am and with whom,” Jeno laughs and prevents Jaemin from taking off his jacket. “I was just fooling around with you with her help.”

“You!–”

“Yes, I am. It worked, ain’t it?” Jeno says with a light smile. “So, should I continue to look for a rebound, Jaemin?”

Jaemin looks at him for the first time with the understanding that Jeno was never really looking for it. He was only pretending, and Jaemin wanted him so much for himself that he believed in it, forgetting that he had someone else for himself.

“I will not stop you, if you wish,” Jaemin answers.

“Then, I'll wait for a little bit more,” Jeno smiles.

It's the last warm days of October when Jaemin goes for a walk with Mark. Usually, they rarely spend dates in the fresh air. Even when it was a restaurant or cafe, they chose a table inside and away from people.

But now it was a sin not to walk on the golden leaves in light coats and breathe in the dry air of the soft earth on the bench.

Mark smiles sadly but with relief.

“So, that's all.”

Jaemin purses his lips, but for some reason, he also smiles at the corners and nods silently.

Their journey of one and a half years as a couple is over. Without drama, scandals, tears, and hatred for each other. It's just that they've fallen out of each other's lives so much in the past month that things somehow ended up like this, even though they both didn't understand why it took so long for them to finish. Everything could have ended a long time ago.

Mark poured himself into work, almost not showing up at university, and talking little with their mutual circle of friends. Jaemin focused on his studies and his group of freshmen who were causing more trouble than Mark's group last year. They simply broke up in different directions. It happens.

Jaemin bypasses the memories Jeno left on his body. Mark does not need to know that. He does not deserve to be deceived.

"It's sad," exhales Mark. “Maybe I'd even cry by the time I get home.”

Jaemin laughs at this and messes up Mark’s hairstyle by tossing his hair in different directions.

“We remain friends, I'm not running away from your life,” Jaemin says to which Mark shrugs.

“All will be different now,” he says frankly. “Anymore… I will not be able to find peace in your arms. I have no right to it now. I'm– Just a friend. An acquaintance who used to be something more. And I will not be able to isolate myself from these thoughts. What I once saw as mine no longer belongs to me.”

Jaemin huffs and shakes his head.

“I'm not an old car that you had to sell.”

“I didn't think it would sound like that,” Mark laughs and sighs in sadness. “You can always reach me for help.”

"It's mutual, Markie," Jaemin smiles gently.

Study absorbs Jaemin so deeply into it that for the first time in three years, he closes the semester early. He even manages to hand in the coursework ahead of time and stays for two weeks with a completely free schedule and the absolute absence of at least someone with whom to spend this time. Everyone else is doing their tests, exams, and other projects. Jaemin had none of it.

That's why he does what he usually didn't want to do: he goes to coffee shops in the morning, and in the evening he watches movies and TV series alone. This gives him an understanding of himself and for the first time in a long time, his brain is not thinking. Not about himself, not about others, not about anxieties, worries, and hatred.

“Jaemni!” Jisung persistently shakes out all the termites from Jaemin’s door of his room. “We are going to the bar! There is a band today and discounts on the first 3 cocktails!”

Jaemin opens the door at the end of the sentence.

“And who are “we”?”

Jisung smiles widely, glad that Jaemin doesn't reject him right away this time.

“Me, Chenle, Haechan and Jeno.”

“Oh,” he rounds his lips. “Name of the bar?”

“You have ten minutes to be ready!” Jisung shouts and shoves Jaemin back into his room.

Ten in Jisung's language is twenty. Therefore, Jaemin has time not only to make himself ready to go but also to eat, so that the alcohol from cheap cocktails does not turn his mind on the first sip. There is a soft knock on the door of his room as he grabs his coat, jingling his keys, but instead of calmly going out into the corridor and meeting his friends, a body with a chocolate smell falls on Jaemin and holds him tightly.

“Haechan, you’re going to suffocate me.”

“I don’t care, man, I won't let you go until you forgive me for meddling in your business and trying to convince you of my own opinion.”

“Wow,” Jaemin exhales and notices Jisung's hands behind Haechan's back, who points at Jeno and says with his lips that it is his influence. Jeno just laughs into his fist from the show in front of him. “It happened almost two months ago, and during all this time you never reached me, so why do you think that I will forgive you?”

“I’ve thought you broke up with Mark because of me!” Haechan desperately whines and releases Jaemin from his arms, but continues to hold him, looking madly into his eyes. “I didn't ruin everything that much, did I?”

Jaemin closes his eyes and slowly shakes his head. If he doesn't pretend to be okay now, Haechan won't get off of him all evening.

“I didn't broke up with Mark, he did. And this happened because we both stopped seeing each other. My curatorship, studies, and practices, and Mark has work and hockey. We understand that priorities have changed, and you are not responsible for any of it. The whole world doesn't revolve around your ass, man.”

His last phrase definitely satisfies Haechan, as his hands relax and he wears his signature sly smile.

“But it would be cool if it were so,” he says.

Everything starts with a small gesture. Storm is forming from a gust of wind. The breakthrough is from a crack in the stone. Just one glance can breathe love into someone. Jaemin believes in it too until he meets Jeno. The truth turned out to be different because a deep sense of attachment begins with longing. A desire that grows every day when it is not satisfied as it needs to be.

A strange contrast to Jaemin’s other experiences of falling in love. With Mark, everything was easy and clear, smooth, without sharp ups and downs. They were together, and now they aren’t anymore.

With Jeno– Jaemin wanted to fall through the ground and then fly out of there in his arms. He wanted to squeeze and disappear only so that his thoughts about Jeno got stopped, the electricity on his skin disappear in a beat, and his desire to drink, swallowing a lump in his throat had passed.

“It doesn't look like you're really having fun,” Chenle rolls up to him on someone's skate and doesn't even look where its rolling away. Over the past few weeks, Jaemin has visited absolutely every place that serves alcohol around campus. This bar was the last one on their checklist. Since today is the final day of the exam season, there are so many students everywhere that you can meet more of them in one place only on the day of professional orientation. “Hey, our holidays have started. You will go home, rest and go back to studying. Isn't it cool?”

Jaemin gives Chenle a weary look. Maybe it would be cool if he really wanted to go home.

In contrast, in recent days, he understood more and more that his place was here and now. Because Jeno is staying and Jaemin would like to spend more time with him, catch up on those lost years, and find out who Jeno really is. Jeno from school and Jeno the student are different people. They are both purposeful, active, and intelligent. However, Jeno is now listening to Jaemin and asking his opinion. He does not insist on decisions and smiles so crookedly at other people's jokes that Jaemin wants to kiss him full of adoration, but every time he restrains himself, because they had clear boundaries that none of them crossed during all the trips to bars.

They don't do anything that would make their friends and themselves uncomfortable. Because their personal desires should not interfere with others. It was a rule Jaemin used with Mark and never wanted to break with him. But with Jeno, everything was different.

His heart wasn't beating like that before. His palms were sweating more often. His gaze constantly returned to the familiar fiery lips that extinguished the fire on his skin only once and did not repeat it again after that. Jaemin wasn't ready, and Jeno felt it was still too early without speaking.

Jaemin really wanted to have Jeno as something of his own. He understood that it was selfish. That Jeno wasn't a thing, but his mind just couldn't shake the idea that everyone around him would know that Jeno was his… Who? It doesn’t matter, right? They must know. Jeno is only his. No one else can–

“Jaemin, am I right?” a boy whom he sees for the first time, stops next to him.

“Do we know each other?” Jaemin is surprised by the sudden approach.

“Oh, no, but I know Jeno!” the boy smiles. “I’ve thought, maybe you know where he is?”

“He will be here soon. Who are you?” Jaemin asks politely, leaning his elbow on the bar stool behind him.

“Minho.”

Jaemin's hand flies off the surface and he almost drops his ass off the chair as well, but he gets successfully caught by the familiar hands of Jeno. With a laugh, he helps Jaemin sit back up, but he tenses up so much that his muscles twist into the previous position almost with a creak. Jaemin keeps his startled gaze on Minho, who gives him an equally large but confused one.

“Is everything okay?” Jeno is interested in the scene and turns to the boy next to them. “Minho? How can I help you?”

Minho's face suddenly changes when he looks at Jeno and he immediately smiles cheerfully.

“Oh, I just wanted to thank you for that day!” he says, and Jaemin digs his nails into Jeno's hand after his words, so Jeno suppresses screams in pain, but does not try to save his hand from a grip. “Your energy drink helps me so much!” Jaemin's hand relaxes and Jeno exhales in relief but is still red from the burning sensation on his skin. “If you hadn't shared, I wouldn't have finished my thesis! Seriously, dude!”

Minho taps Jeno on the shoulder like a good old friend, and Jeno laughs at his reaction. Jaemin also gets totally relaxed because Jeno got dudeless. 

“Well, it's just a drink,” he says, shrugging.

“It really really helped me a lot!” Minho denies his politeness and then winks at Jaemin. “Well, I will no longer interfere your date.”

"It's not..." Jeno begins, but Jaemin interrupts him.

“Bye, Minho!”

And waves his hand too cheerfully. So vigorously that Jeno's body next to him shakes actively.

“Is this the same dude from Grindr?” Jaemin asks, continuing to wave at Minho.

"Yeah, but we're just friends," Jeno replies and rubs Jaemin's fingernail-struck hand.

“Oh, really? You have an interesting way of finding friends,” Jaemin jokes. Jeno's face shows that he doesn't know if he's really cool about it, or if he's just playing. So Jaemin anticipates his thoughts and shrugs as he reports. “I know that you haven't had anyone all this time.”

Jeno's eyes widen in shock and he purses his lips as he looks back at Minho's path, where he has already dissolved into the crowd.

“Did you really try to find a rebound or just pretended?” Jaemin got curious. “I know gossips about you. People said that you are the Big Dodge,” he laughs. “You go on dates, meet people, but you don't do anything else. It's always "no" as soon as you go to the next base and–”

“I’ve thought about you every time and I was disgusted that it wasn't you,” Jeno admits with a disappointed sigh, then turns away from Jaemin. “So actually yes, I really have tried. I just failed. Every time.”

It hurts a little more than Jaemin thought it would. But he understands Jeno. If he’d have unrequited feelings, the only chance to vent it is to replace.

“I am glad that you have failed.”

“Oh?”

Jeno turns to him with hope in his eyes. Jaemin smiles and leans in, leaving a chaste kiss on his lips. Short, innocent, but so strong that it lights up all the dim lights in Jaemin's own heart.

“I–”

“Do you really think that your tongue should speak up right now?” Jaemin interrupts him.

Jeno happily howls with laughter and pulls Jaemin's face, covering it with both hands.

God, Jaemin hates physics.

Gravity works very strangely. It allows things to stay on a flat table, but roll it down if things accidentally were snagged away. Also, for some reason, gravity always draws Jaemin closer to Jeno when they are having fun together in the company of friends. Indeed, strange laws of physics. And Jaemin knew them all by heart, could recite them even when he was sleepy, and he passed all the exams with A's. But he could not explain why his body was so ungodly and brazenly attracted to another one.

In fact, he could, but he refused because it would prove what an idiot he had been for the last six months when he rejected what could have been his long ago.

When now, finally, his answer is right here and now – electricity crawls through Jeno's lips to his body and he is ready to set the whole world on fire with the force that continues to tighten his chest in the desire to continue. Jaemin wants to stop time here and now, stay in the moment when Jeno kisses him hungrily, bites his lips, licks his tongue, and squeezes his fingers around his body as if he is afraid to let him go.

It’s not enough for Jaemin. He feels so little of Jeno. And he wants more.

“Now it’s me who kissed you.”

Jeno smiles and kisses Jaemin's cheek.

“What makes you stop?”

And indeed, thinks Jaemin. Nothing can stop him now.

"Jen, what did you ask Mark to do for a bet?"

"he didn't tell? 0_0”

"..No?"

"then he did my wish successfully haha"

“???”

"I told him not to contact you if you break up"

"what"

"jeno"

"he wouldn't contact me anyway yk"

"no, I told him to disappear so you wouldn't see him at all"

"what a rat you are"

"anyone for you, sweetheart"