Chapter Text
- - - oO x x x Oo - - -
Date/Time: May 31, 202X, 2:24 PM
Location: Room A8, Downpour High
It was the end of the year at Downpour High, and the pizza party is slowly but surely beginning to die down. Everyone was ready to leave, and the teacher, Mrs. Moon, was ready to excuse them. She had some final announcements to make.
“Well, first of all, we need to tell you all to behave outside of school. Just because it’s summer doesn’t mean that you can go and pull shit everywhere-” She was cut off by some kid in the crowd.
“BOO, FUCKING BORING!” They were a tall, slender Scavenger named Random Intervals, who was known for being a giant jerk, to both teachers and other students. This kind of behavior had persisted throughout the year, and it seems that Mrs. Moon had had enough. She walked up to him and grabbed him by the scruff of his shirt, her face only inches away from his.
“ALL THE TEACHERS HAVE TOLD ME ABOUT THE FUCKING STUPID SHIT YOU PULL IN EVERY OTHER CLASS! YOU DESTROYED FIVE PEBBLES’ LAPTOP, YOU TRIED TO FIGHT NO SIGNIFICANT HARASSMENT, YOU SMASHED ONE OF SEVEN RED SUN’S INSTRUMENTS OVER ANOTHER KID’S HEAD, YOU USED CHASING WIND’S ART SUPPLIES TO START A BRUSH FIRE, YOU GRAFFITIED ALL OVER THE LOCKER ROOMS, AND TO FINISH IT ALL OFF, YOU FLICKED OFF SLIVER OF STRAW! NOT ONCE, NOT TWICE, BUT THREE TIMES! YOUR INTELLECT IS AS WEAK AS YOUR MUSCLES, YOU DISMISS EVERYTHING WE SAY TO TRY AND HELP YOU! AT THIS POINT, FAILIURE IS YOUR FUCKING DESTINY! YOU ARE LITERALLY MADE OF STUPID!” Moon shrieked like a banshee. She was known for being the only teacher who swore casually, but this was a new level. Random Intervals simply smiled at her and said.
“You have no power over me.” Which seemed to pop another Rarefaction Cell inside Moon’s head as her anger went over the top. She then recited an entire diss track she was probably preparing and rehearsing while the students were taking tests.
“HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THERE’S LITERALLY NO WAY THAT SOME SCRAWNY LITTLE SCAV IS TRYING TO START BEEF WITH ME! SHUT UP BITCH YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING MIROS BIRD STUCK IN A CLOGGED TOILET BOWL, YOU LOOK LIKE AN OFF-BRAND JOJO’S BIZZARE ADVENTURE CHARACTER, EXCEPT THIS ISN’T JOJO’S BIZZARE ADVENTURE, THIS IS YOYO’S COMPLETELY NORMAL JOURNEY! YOU SHOULD JUST DROP OUT BEFORE YOU GET EXPELLED FOR TOOT-TOOTING AT THE LUNCH LADY BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE CLIFFORD THE BIG RED NOOT’S FUCKING FOSSIL!”
Her voice grated against everyone’s ears like an earrape cover of a song. Her expression of an entire year of suppressed anger shook everyone to the bone.
“YOU SEXUALLY IDENTIFY AS AN UNSOLVED RUBIK'S CUBE, YOU MADE AN NFT OUT OF A DROPWIG TWERKING ON A VULTURE GRUB, YOU USE YOUR DISHWASHER AS A SQUIDCOIN MINING RIG, YOU GOT AN EMERGENCY HEART TRANSPLANT WITH A FIVE PEBBSI: TRIPLE AFFIRMATIVE, YOU GOT PUT IN JAIL FOR EATING A BLUEFRUIT OUT OF A FIVE YEAR OLD’S ASSHOLE, YOUR SISTER IS ENGAGED WITH A SPITTER SPIDER RED CENTIPEDE HYBRID NAMED “NO FUCKS TO GIVE”, YOUR PARENTS ARE BOTH BUILT LIKE EXPIRED GOOIEDUCKS, YOU BETTER GET YOUR REGISTERED INTERNET FELON COCOMELON ASS OUT OF HERE BECAUSE YOU’RE NASTY AND NEED A CLEANSE FROM THE FOSTER HOME OF IMAGINARY FRIENDS, YOU’RE LIKE “eXcUsE Me, i oNlY DaTe tEnS” YOU PULL UP TO YOUR GRANDMA’S FUNERAL DRESSED AS A RABID MIROS VULTURE, YOU GONNA BE LIKE “I’m sorry grandma *snip* I wish I could have spent more time with you *snip snip* May you rest in peace” AND TO TOP IT OFF, YOUR SKINNY ASS ARMS COULDN’T DO ANY DAMAGE TO ANYONE!”
She dropped Random Intervals on the floor, his back scraping against the edge of the table as he collapsed on the floor, crying. She turned to go back to her desk, she saw the entire class, sitting there, shocked.
“Oh… You can go now, it’s fine.” Mrs. Moon seemed to be very embarrassed about this, so they just decided to leave without talking. It wasn’t like anyone was going to report this, except for the man himself, maybe.
- - - oO x x x Oo - - -
Date/Time: May 31, 2022, 2:51 PM
Location: Front of the school
“Hey! What took you so long?!” A voice called from the front of the school. Hunter, Artificer, Ruffles and Spearmaster stood in a circle. The two siblings run up to join them.
“Would you believe me if I saw Mrs. Moon roasted the shit out of that one kid?” Survivor said. Everyone immediately knew who he was referring to.
“PICS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!” Ruffles shouted. Survivor chuckled and pulled out his phone, where he was filming the entire thing in secret. Long story short, everyone decided that this was the most hilarious thing they had ever seen in their lives.
“BRO, SHE JUST LOST HER CHILL! ALL OF IT!” Artificer wheezed out.
“DISHWASHER AS A SQUIDCOIN MINING RIG OH MY GOD!” Hunter tried to say in between laughs.
“HE SEXUALLY IDENTIFIES AS AN UNSOLVED RUBIK’S CUBE, I DON’T FUCKING GET IT BUT STILL-” Ruffles screeched before collapsing on the floor.
Survivor chuckled. It was a great start to the summer, but something told him that stuff was only going to get weirder, and weirder.
- - - oO x x x Oo - - -
Date/Time: May 31, 2022, 7:19 PM
Location: The Libeccio
The friend group sat around a table in a restaurant run by Gourmand’s parents. They were here to plan what they were going to do for summer, whether they were going to pull pranks on people or go camping, or make fake IDs to get into a bar, they had no fucking clue.
“So… What are we going to do this summer?” Hunter said, slamming her glass on the table after taking a swig of the random-ass brand soda that was the first thing on the menu.
“Let’s find Random Intervals and tell his parents about everything he’s been pulling at school.” Artificer said, deadpan. Ruffles cocked his head to the side in confusion.
“Why?” He asked. It was a simple question.
“Because it would be fucking funny to watch this kid get belted by his dad. It’s obvious!” Artificer huffed, crossing her arms. Meanwhile, Saint and Spearmaster were socializing.
“How are you even talking? You have no mouth.” Saint asked.
“Oh! I vocalize through my tail. “ Spearmaster made strange blowing noises through his tail.
“I… See.” Saint was both repulsed and amazed by his strange biology that probably didn’t arise through natural means.
Everyone’s socialization was interrupted by Hunter breaking into a coughing fit. Eventually, she hacked up a large, bulbous cyst with a cross on it. The others leaned in closer as it multiplied and grew tentacles, beginning to move. It crawled across the table, feeling around. Everyone was fascinated at this living being that Hunter literally vomited up, except for the woman herself. She picked it up, took a bite out of it, and swallowed the rest of it.
“My own innards, yum” She deadpanned. Everyone looked at her like she had three heads. Ruffles, especially, was appalled.
“WHY DID YOU EAT JEREMY!?!?” Ruffles screamed, crying. Hunter looked at him confusedly.
“You named it?” Hunter was extremely confused.
“HE HAD A LIFE!!!” Ruffles was lying on the floor at this point, crying about the loss of Jeremy. Saint shot an icy glare at Hunter
“You monster, why would you kill Jeremy in cold blood like that?” Saint deadpanned. Hunter was slightly bristled by this comment, but tried to remain calm.
“Bro, the rot cyst you apparently named “Jeremy” was originally part of my fucking SPINAL CORD, get your facts straight!” Hunter responded with equal coldness. The two debated about whether eating a living piece of your body was moral or not, and the others watched.
Meanwhile, Spearmaster was somewhere else, looking at the options he had for some snacks, as he was getting a bit peckish. He decided to get a soda and a plate of cookies, and went back. He came back to the debate, which had heated up significantly. He simply sighed as he pulled a spear out of his tail to prepare to consume the cookies, but when he stabbed one, it did nothing but kick up the 1 centimeter layer of powdered sugar coating it. In surprise, Spearmaster accidentally inhaled a few ounces of it, collapsing onto the floor and beginning to convulse as if he had been electrocuted by a jellyfish.
Gourmand was ready to surprise them by being the one to serve their order, but he came back to Hunter and Saint now screaming at each other about election fraud, Ruffles crying, and Spearmaster sneezing twice per second in an attempt to get all the powdered sugar out of his system, not to mention Survivor and Monk simply staring into space with a dead look in their eyes. He cleared his throat.
“Guys, your orders are ready!” Gourmand declared loudly, enough to halt Hunter and Saint’s screaming match completely.
“YOOOOO, IT’S THE TOP G!” Hunter shouted, pulling out a chair for him to sit. Saint smiled at him before shooting another glare at Hunter. They all sit down and eat their food. It was a wonderful night, and they were all full by the time they got home.
- - - oO x x x Oo - - -
Date/Time: May 32, 202X, 10:02
Location: Survivor and Monk's House
Survivor woke up tired, almost immediately wanting to go back to sleep. He looked at the clock. It was 10 in the morning, and his parents were probably at work now.
“Bro is the Libeccio secret ingredient fucking melatonin? Because I’m tired as all hell…” Survivor muttered to himself, picking up his phone which had started making Discord ping noises moments after he got up.
SplodeyGal: Hello guys
SplodeyGal: I would like to introduce you all to someone
ArtificerMyBeloved<3: Yes? Continue
CaffieneForBlood: Oh?
MeanGreenAscensionMachine: I don’t think that’s how you spell caffeine
Survivor, barely processing what was happening, started typing out the first things that came to mind.
WhiteBoy: sHowers are juST doMeSticAted WaTeRfalls
ֆքɛǟʀʍǟֆȶɛʀ: Are you okay?
CaffieneForBlood: Do you need to go to the ER?
WhiteBoy: YouR mOthEr deEz nUtS
SplodeyGal: Seriously, are you okay?
Whiteboy: Sorry, I was literally just waking up XD
ArtificerMyBeloved<3: Gosh I was worried about you
SplodeyGal: Anyways time for your new friend
[SplodeyGal has added BabyBigMoneyLittleDog]
BabyBigMoneyLittleDog: Hey guys wassup
Ֆքɛǟʀʍǟֆȶɛʀ: HOLY FUCKING SHIT
CaffieneForBlood: UGHHHHHH
Survivor had to blink multiple times and stare at the screen and make sure that he wasn’t just hallucinating the username BabyBigMoneyLittleDog and a profile picture of a guy lying on stacks of money. Monk was also awoken by the Discord pings that Survivor couldn’t bother to turn down and was also physically and mentally suffering from the cringe.
Whiteboy: THAT USERNAME HURTS ME TO MY VERY CORE
SplodeyGal: Hey >:(
BabyBigMoneyLittleDog: Bruh whatever
BabyBigMoneyLittleDog: Anyways I have a giant invitation for yalls
BabyBigMoneyLittleDog: I have a super epic camping trip planned for yalls
BabyBigMoneyLittleDog: It’s gonna be so so epic yalls aren’t gonna believe it
MeanGreenAscensionMachine: STOP SAYING YALLS ITS ANNOYING
BabyBigMoneyLittleDog: Yalls
SplodeyGal: Don’t be mean
BabyBigMoneyLittleDog: Okay who’s coming I gotta prepare stuff
WhiteBoy: We don’t even know you
BabyBigMoneyLittleDog: Yeah
BabyBigMoneyLittleDog: But a friend of Arti is a friend of mine
CaffieneForBlood: ME!!!!!!
MeanGreenAscensionMachine: Well that was quick
MeanGreenAscensionMachine: I guess I’ll come too
Whiteboy: My mom said yes I’ll go
Whiteboy: My sister isn’t coming because she has band rehearsals
Ֆքɛǟʀʍǟֆȶɛʀ: Same
Gourmand: I need to help my parents run the restaurant
ArtificerMyBeloved<3: I just wanna be with Arti <3
CaffieneForBlood: Simp
Ֆքɛǟʀʍǟֆȶɛʀ: Simp
MeanGreenAscensionMachine: Simp
Gourmand: Simp
Whiteboy: Simp
ArtificerMyBeloved<3: GRRRRRRR
BabyBigMoneyLittleDog: Okay I’ve added you to the list
BabyBigMoneyLittleDog: I assume that you are all okay with Arti telling me your addresses
Whiteboy: Yeah Lol
MeanGreenAscensionMachine: Yeah
CaffieneForBlood: I dont mind :)
ArtificerMyBeloved<3: YES
Survivor laid back down. He was looking forward to it, but some part of him said that this might not be the best idea. He sighed.
Only time would tell.