Archive of Our Own

6th of Sun's Dawn, 4E 201

Whiterun

Today Pa told me flat out that I should stop stealing wheat. Yes, I know the farm isn't ours, but what will taking a little bit hurt the Battle-Borns? Sure, Olfrid and him were chums during the Great War. Sure, their family gave us a place to stay and steady work. I know all that already. Sometimes, Jon reminds me during flyting. I know he doesn't mean anything by it, but things with him are still tense. We haven't spoken since I caught him and Olfina by the riverside two weeks ago.

I guess I haven't written here since, either. Ah, well. Clan Battle-Born has been kind to us, but I don't want to feel like a thrall anymore. I want to go out and do my own thing. Agmaer agrees. He's itching to be an adventurer. I'm not that keen. Potions are my thing, though. Arcadia has been teaching me all sorts of neat stuff. While I can go out and collect blisterwort, I need the wheat to make my potions. They really help when someone gets injured. If I'm not in the farm, I'm either at the Cauldron or at the temple. Danica really thinks I can be a good physician. Just the other day, I healed my first fracture! Does Pa see that? No, he doesn't. Unless it's wielding an axe and shield, he won't see anything.

I'm not a fighter! I won't be! I like studying alchemy and applying healing magicks. The closest I'll get to the martial arts is shield-work. I'm still better at it than Agmaer, though he's far better with the axe.

It's unfair how people closest to you only see what they want to see, then get disappointed when you try to be something different. Pa expects me to be a farmer. Well, I expect him to listen to me.

I guess we both expect too much from each other.

Still, it wasn't all doom and gloom. My notebook of potion recipes is coming along well. Arcadia was right–it is easier to find Luna moths by the stables after midnight! Mixing the wings of a Luna moth with nirnroot can make a salve of invisibility! I'm really excited to try that out. I don't know when that'll be–nirnroot is rare and expensive–but one day, I'll get that chance. I'll test it out on Agmaer. I've told him, and he's pretty excited, too. Said it was a dream of his to be invisible.

Ah, Agmaer. Maybe it's because we're twins, but sometimes it feels like he's the only one who still understands me. We're too old to pretend to be Companions out in the plains these days, but I don't think I've spent more time with anyone other than him in all my life. I guess after Ma passed and Pa became quiet, Agmaer and I started talking more and more… it was one way to avoid thinking about Ma. Although… maybe we should go pretend to be Companions tomorrow. It'll be good for us. We'll slay some imaginary falmer and bitch about Pa to each other. Just like old times. I'll ask him tonight when he comes to bed. He's off trying to talk to the Khajiit caravaneers now, like he always does. He's curious about Elsewyr… everywhere, honestly. One day, I think I'll wake up and Agmaer will be nowhere to be seen. He'll have disappeared with one of the caravans travelling to the Rift, take a ship to gods know where… but at least he'll be happy. And I get the feeling he'll be able to make a difference, wherever he goes. He's got a good heart and he likes to help people. I pray to Stendarr every day to lend Agmaer His shield. He'll need it.

I hope one day I'll be able to move away from Whiterun, too. I'll open a shop and heal people with both spell and salve. Spell and Salve. Not a bad name for a shop! I'll have to ask Arcadia tomorrow how she got started.

Anyway… I guess I've ranted enough. The stew is almost done, so I'll take it off the spit and go call Pa to eat. The man's been taking longer and longer walks these days, coming home way past sunset. He doesn't wander far–honestly, the most he goes is out towards the Loreius farm for a chat and a drink–but I still worry. He's not the Captain he once was. Better go fetch him.

May the shield of Stendarr protect him and our family.

7th of Sun's Dawn

Whiterun

Agmaer and I killed two hundred falmer and five hundred draugr earlier today. Usually Jon joins us for these games but he's too busy with his girlfriend these days. Agmaer slew most of them. Slew. What a strange word. Anyway, Agmaer got the most out of it, though it was fun for me, too. I practised my shield stance–guards and all that. For a time, Pa even stood and watched from the farm. He didn't say anything, though. He never does.

Productive day at work, too! I would never take money for it, but Arcadia and Danica both take good care of me. I helped Arcadia make a potion of invisibility today. She didn't let me keep it, obviously, but now I know how to make one! I also made a few potions of healing with ingredients I found myself. These I could keep, and so I took them to Danica. Magicka depletion really makes her irritable, so having these potions to distribute to the sickly soldiers really helps her out. As a reward, I suppose, she showed me how to turn undead. It's good because the spell is simple enough that I can teach Agmaer, too! I'm sure he's got a bee in his bonnet about dungeon delving. And what lives in dungeons? Draugr. That's right. Knowing this spell will help him–that is, if he wants to learn.

Danica also makes sure that I'm practising my wards. She knows I'm good with a shield, but she made sure I knew how to protect myself against other things.

"A shield will stop an axe, but all wood burns to fire," she told me today. "Your wards will absorb magick and save your skin."

That's great and all, but am I really supposed to encounter random fireballs in the middle of a farm? Who's going to come and attack me? It just seems like an useless thing to spend time on. I'm not training to be an Imperial battlemage, so what's the point?

As I was leaving the temple, I saw Olfina Gray-Mane. We used to be good friends. We grew up together. Olfina, Jon, Agmaer, and me. We were thralls to the Battle-Born clan, and Olfina's clan had their fair share of issues with Jon's, but our fathers and Olfina's uncle had all served in the war together. They all told us we couldn't play together, but we did anyway. And I fell in love with her when I was… nine years old, I think. Eleven years later and the sight of her still makes me stop in my tracks and lose my breath.

I don't blame Jon for going ahead and getting together with her. I just wish he hadn't told her how I felt about her. How I still feel about her. She doesn't talk to me anymore. She avoids Agmaer. In the city, she avoids Jon, too. We all thought that family politics had won the day. Turned out it was just… love politics.

She said nothing to me. I said nothing to her. I don't think I'll talk to her again. We just passed each other by like we didn't know each other. After that, I decided to visit Ma. Andurs lets me in every time I go. I used to visit the Hall of the Dead every day after she passed, and I guess he took pity on me. The old priest used to tell me all about the Divines and their place in our lives. If I'm a believer today, it's because of him. He seemed a little scatterbrained today, poor man. Maybe age is finally catching up with him? I hope not.

Still, he let me sit with Ma's urn. I told her all about my frustrations with Pa, with Jon and Olfina. I can bitch to Agmaer but he will tell me to get over it. I don't really need that. I just need someone to listen to me. Ma was always great at that. Though I wish she was still here, I'm glad she can give me this even from the other side.

Note: Andurs said he lost his amulet. Ask Danica if she has a spare, or can get one for him.

It was a good day in the city, so I decided to drop by the Mare. Hulda talked my ear off while I ate. Something about the Jarl's kids being difficult. I guess I'd be difficult, too, if I had to live in Dragonsreach and my father spent more time working than with me. Oh wait, why does that sound familiar?

Emotions getting the best of me again. I don't want to be frustrated with my father. I really don't. I love him. He's done what he can for us. I just wish he'd let us be part of the family he settled down here to create. It's as if Ma was all that mattered. And maybe she was, but still. He could at least try.

But he doesn't. I came home today and he wasn't there. Agmaer, I knew, was trying to get Uthgerd to teach him fighting. At least, he was when I left him at the Mare. And coming home, I find the fire not even lit. Pa was nowhere to be seen. It was evening then, and it's night now. I've made dinner and have been waiting for… two hours now? He's come home later before but he's getting old and can't see so well in the dark anymore. I don't trust him outdoors at night.

Agmaer just walked in. I'll go look with him. I'll bring Pa's shield just in case.

8th of Sun's Dawn

Whiterun

Didn't get a wink of sleep all night, so I'm writing this after dawn. I'm tired. We found our father face down in the grass between our home and Loreius's house. He was snoring. He smelt of drink. Agmaer and I carried him back and he kept muttering about how beautiful she was, and how much he wishes she was still there. I know he misses Ma. We all do. His drinking has gotten worse after her death, too. I understand. I do. But I don't think I can live with this.

Yet, I always forgive him. When we tucked him into bed, he apologised several times. I believe he was clearly out of it. I doubt he'll remember anything if I ask him about it this morning. But… it felt nice to hear an apology. To hear his voice at all.

Ah, I'm supposed to be a Nord. Look at me, getting all emotional first thing in the morning.

Agmaer slept, though. In fact, he's still sleeping. Said Uthgerd worked him hard last night, said that she might turn their training into something more structured. He seemed excited. He's worried about Pa, too, I know, and I guess that's the main reason why he continues to stay.

I wish I could sleep. I can already feel a headache coming. Well, what can you do? It's about time I started work at the farm. I'll ask Danica and Arcadia if they have medicine for the headache later today. Hopefully, it's not too stressful.

Same day, evening

All is well for the most part. My headache is worse. Feels like an army of bards having a party behind my eyes. I cast the healing spells I know on myself. I can feel my stamina replenish, but endurance won't help me win this fight. Arcadia had nothing for a headache, sadly. She gave a somnolent draught, though. Told me to take it if I couldn't sleep. I intend to, right after writing this and finishing dinner.

Went to work. More of the usual. Came back around noon to find Pa up and well. He was out cold all morning while Agmaer and I worked the field. Usually, Pa does most of the work, has lunch, and sleeps from the afternoon to evening. I was a little surprised that he was awake but considering his drunkenness, I guess I should've saved my surprise for what came next.

Agmaer was off doing something or the other, and when I came in Pa was sitting on the edge of his cot, staring down at the hay-covered floor. He looked up as soon as I came in, the curtain of blond hair falling down his face. Raising a hand, he gestured for me to come to him and patted the bed beside him.

This was new. Still, I hadn't said anything to him about last night, so maybe he felt bad? That was what I was thinking, anyway. When I went and sat next to him, he looked at me for a moment and then placed his palm atop my head. It was a small gesture, but he reminded me of a thousand things with that. It was what he used to do to us when we were children and he could fit our heads between his fingers. Now, not so much, but I could still feel the strength in his body. He could hurt me if he wanted to. Instead, he only gave me a pat.

There and then I forgave him for everything. I don't know why, but I did. Then, he started talking.

"I'm sorry, Hanse," said he with a quiver in his voice. I'd never expected to hear weakness in my father's words. I'd seen him handle the farm all by himself. He had held rank in the Imperial army. Weakness didn't come naturally to him. It kind of broke my image of him as being unflappable and immortal. It also broke my heart.

"What for?" I asked.

He sighed and lowered his face. "She was so beautiful. I miss her terribly. Every moment I don't spend with her, I spend wishing I was with her. I want to go to her side every day, Hanse. And I think I cause trouble for you and Agmaer by trying to do that."

Long ago, Andurs had told me that the sun was actually Magnus, the god of magic. He left Mundus by ripping a hole through the sky, and the light we get is actually a window into Aetherius itself. Magnus left a hole that could never be filled, but which allows us to see the light. Ma was the same way. Nobody could take her place. But I'd hoped we could be better than this.

So, I placed my hand upon his shoulder and told him, "Da, you don't have to apologise. I just wish you'd tell us how you feel more because Agmaer and I feel the same way."

A look of utter confusion passed his face, as if he had no idea what I was talking about. This angered me. How much of a macho Nord did he need to be that he couldn't act emotional in front of his own children?

"You don't," he said simply and turned away. "You don't. You can't."

"You were married to her, but she was my mother, too," I answered hotly, squeezing his shoulder a little. "We could have mourned her together, Da. You never gave us the opportunity."

For a long moment, he said nothing. Long enough that I sighed and lowered my hand from his shoulder. Many times I saw him open his mouth and try to form words, but he couldn't. I could tell from the whitening of his knuckles on the furs that he was putting in the effort. He was trying to push himself beyond his comfort zone. And I guess seeing that was enough for me for then.

I patted his hand. "It's all right. We can talk about it together when Agmaer gets home."

To that, again, my father said nothing. He simply looked in my eyes, nodded, got up, and went out. I was still nursing a headache and did not want to return to the brightly lit day outside, so I lay down to rest.

I had thought that he was going to the latrine or something, for I had fallen asleep before he came back. Looking back on it, I should have talked to him more. It was rare for him to open up and be vulnerable. I'd never seen fear in my father's eyes, but I saw it then. Clear as day, I could tell that the man was terrified. Apparently, cutting down Aldmeri spellswords was easier than having a heart to heart conversation with one's children.

I'm going to sleep now. The headache lingers and I wish it would go away. Hopefully, it will be gone by the time I wake up. If not, the farm can tend to itself for a day because I'm not moving.

9th of Sun's Dawn

Whiterun

I asked Danica why she wanted me to get better with wards. Why it was important to her that I be able to turn undead. Her reasoning was simple.

"You wanted to become a Vigilant, didn't you?"

I was fourteen when I told her that. For six years, she remembered what I had wanted to become. I'd forgotten, honestly, but I had always admired Stendarr. I liked Him because of His merciful ways. He taught mortals to forgive because it was only the strong who could. I liked that. Stendarr's ways were a big part of my upbringing, but to become a Vigilant and hunt daedra worshippers? That was more up Agmaer's alley.

"Even if I get really good with wards and turning, the Vigil would never have me, Danica," I told her. I was right. "They use fire and maces and scour dungeons for weird things, dark things. I only know how to heal."

"Healing forms only a small portion of what the school of Restoration has to offer, Hanse. We play with life and death, much like necromancers, and our magicks are equal and opposite in many ways." Here, she fixed me with a look that made me stand straighter. "I don't know if you will become a Vigilant of Stendarr, Hanse, but I know it is why you started to learn from me. I've taught you how to heal, somewhat, but that doesn't mean the other branches of Restoration are useless. It is only the unwise man who doesn't fill his toolbox with diverse tools."

Expectations of a different kind, but not unwelcome. I'd always liked Danica. She was nice and people respected her. I knew she was only pushing me because she saw potential in me. If she believed I could become a Vigilant of Stendarr, that was great. I wouldn't seek them out, obviously, but learning new things couldn't hurt, I guess.

Speaking of learning new things, Arcadia is teaching me poisoncraft. She says I can't create a working antivenom if I do not understand the nature of poisons first. It is unnerving how similar these two things are. For example, we all eat river betty and Abecean longfin. However, you mix the gills of those two fishes with a deathbell, and you suddenly have a poison that can eat away at your vitality and paralyse you. It's honestly frightening that Arcadia knows how to do this. She can take over the world if she wants and I'm fully convinced of this.

But… I guess I'm just dancing around the issue. I've spent the entire day trying not to think about this, but I suppose I must now.

I fell asleep quite early last night. Headache. And I woke up early, too. Well before first light. I found Pa asleep, but Agmaer was nowhere to be seen. I stole out and found him seated on the wooden fence we have around the house. He turned to wave at me.

"Heard you get up," he said as I came up and stood at his side. "How's the head?"

"Doesn't hurt anymore. When did you wake up?"

"Oh, I never slept."

"And how come?"

There was visible tension in his body. Arms crossed, jaw working. Agmaer was upset, and when he hesitated to answer my question, I figured he was tense because of whatever he was not telling me.

"Constipation?" I asked him, attempting to lighten the mood. He scoffed and nudged me with his elbow.

"I wish." He sighed. "When I came home last night, you were asleep and Pa wasn't there, so I went to Loreius farm to get him."

It was my turn to sigh. "Drinking with Vantus again?"

Agmaer didn't reply immediately. He straightened up, and turned towards me just as the sun broke past the horizon. The light of Aetherius chased away the darkness behind Agmaer and he, perhaps instinctively, sucked in a breath.

"I spoke to Vantus. Hanse, Pa hasn't been to Loreius farm in a month."

For a moment, I couldn't focus on anything. I looked back through the doorframe and saw my father sleeping soundly on the cot, wrapped up in his furs. Then I looked at Agmaer, who seemingly had more to say.

I swallowed. "Where–"

"I found him last night exactly where you and I found him the night before."

How do I describe how I felt in that moment? The first thing I did was ask for Stendarr's mercy because I didn't know what was going on. Then I believe I sat down on the wooden floor and stayed there for a while. My head was swimming, jumping from conclusion to conclusion. I think I stopped overthinking only when Agmaer brought me a cup of cool water. I drank some, and splashed the rest on my face and the nape of my neck. Anything to wake me up from… whatever this was.

"I was there where you are now," Agmaer told me and sat down beside me. Without his voice to ground me and his hand on my back to calm me, I might have woken up Pa and demanded answers. "I'm worried, brother. This isn't normal."

I shook my head. "Yesterday, he and I talked. He said… many things. Something about wanting to be with Ma every day. Wait, I wrote it down."

So, I fetched my journal and read out to Agmaer exactly what Pa had said. I think as I was reading out the exchange, I began to doubt my initial understanding. Da had said that I didn't know, that I didn't understand. Perhaps he was right. When I looked up from the page and caught Agmaer's gaze, I could tell that he had come to the same conclusion as me. There are times where I really think we can read each other's mind.

"I don't want to say it out loud," I told him.

Agmaer sighed and closed my journal for me. "He never said it was Ma he was talking about."

"He's getting drunk… and-and… wishing to be with–"

"–someone else. I think so."

"But why?" I rubbed my face. Ma had been dead eight years. Pa had every right to move on. Agmaer and I weren't children. "Why keep it a secret? Why not tell us? Why… why drink until you're unconscious?"

"I don't know," Agmaer said. There was a tired sort of firmness in his tone that made me look at him. He was smiling sadly. "But I intend to find out."

"You don't mean to follow him?"

"I do. Tonight. You and me."

Agmaer's tone was angry. I knew because I felt it too. Us being angry at Da was nothing new, but whatever this new drama was… it was not okay. I didn't know who he was seeing, or what he was doing out at night, but there was a real possibility of him being killed by a sabre cat or wolves. As a former legionnaire, he should know that. I didn't give a damn that he was off canoodling some woman. I was angry that he didn't think about us, his sons. How was he supposed to defend himself if he was face down in the grass? Was General Tulius going to come and save him? Was the Legion going to pick him up and take him home? Was the woman going to tuck him in and make him food?

No. Agmaer and I did all that. We deserved better. I didn't need to think anymore.

"I'm with you," I told Agmaer and he nodded. "Tonight. You'll sleep in during the afternoon and I'll wake you up when he leaves."

"Good. I'll bring his axe. Just in case."

"And I his shield. Just in case."

I really could read Agmaer's mind. His anger had secured him an ally in me, but I could smell his fear just as well. Fear for our father's health, fear for ourselves. We were youths untrained in war. Fighting off a stray wolf or two from the sheep was one thing, but what were to do against a sabre cat at night?

Still, the burden of duty compelled us and we decided to follow through on our promise. Under the cover of night, we would follow our father and find out what he was up to. It is early evening now, and Agmaer is fast asleep. I've done my work for the day and I hear Pa outside, taking care of his toilet. He usually leaves after this, usually, after asking me what's for dinner. Stew tonight, though I don't know if we'll eat.

Stendarr, have mercy on our father, for I have very little in my heart to spare right now.

10th of Sun's Dawn

Whiterun

As I must either go insane or write, I write. Whatever transpired last night feels like a nightmare to me still, though the eastern horizon lightens even as I write this. The sun will soon cause the shadows to flee, but I fear they may nestle in my memories for a long time yet. Agmaer fares no better. He is in the temple now, telling what happened to Danica. I'm sitting outside, under the withered Gildergreen while the mad priest of Talos screams ever on. Some guard draped a blanket over my shoulders… some time ago. I don't remember it happening. It's only been a few moments since I've gathered enough sanity to do anything other than stare into the sky.

I know that I should write the events of last night down with as much accuracy as I can, but my hands tremble when I force myself to remember. But… these notes will come in handy in case of an investigation, so I shall try to note everything down as accurately as I can remember them. Here goes.

The springtime chill hadn't died yet and by the time Agmaer and I had left the house–he with an axe and I with a shield–we could see our breath. Agmaer walked quicker than me, his steps fuelled by purpose. Me, I remained at his heel. As always, I was carrying my satchel of potions with me. I always did, no matter where I went. If I walked too fast, the bottles would clink together and I didn't want that. Not tonight. So I kept a leisurely pace. Not that we needed to go very fast. Pa was up ahead–maybe twenty or so yards.

The thing about Whiterun is that it's mostly flat. This makes it great for farming, but horrible for hiding. There are no hills and forests to advance behind cover. I was afraid that Pa would turn around and catch us following him but he just kept walking. It was almost as if he didn't see or hear anything else. He walked over pebbles, tripped over roots, bumped into picket fences, and just kept walking. Agmaer and I exchanged glances but didn't dare speak. Whatever daze Pa was in, I didn't like it. I had heard from a few guards and injured soldiers at the temple that they couldn't function properly unless inebriated. Was this what it was like? Walking around like a thrall?

Overhead, Secunda was waxing. It was light enough that we could afford to hang back a little more. And we did. We let Pa gain on us a little more as he followed the white river northwards. Dragonsreach rose up to our side and ahead lay the Whitewatch tower. It was all flatlands. If he was going to meet someone, we would have seen them already. But we didn't.

And then Pa stopped right in the middle of the road.

Agmaer and I panicked for a moment and crouched down, almost lying flat on our stomachs to avoid detection. He never looked our way, though. Instead, he spread his arms wide and proclaimed, "Psymia, my love! I'm here! Show yourself, please!"

I looked at Agmaer. Found him looking at me. Our mother's name was Ingilief.

"What the fuck?" Agmaer whispered, about to get up, but I held him down by the shoulder. I was around magick more than he was, and when I saw a shimmer in the air around Pa, I knew something else was afoot.

"You've come, Arn." A voice so sweet that it almost made my ears melt. If I'd swooned over Olfina, then I might have died for the elfmaiden who materialised out of the air in front of my father. She was tall, slightly taller than Pa, and when they embraced, she lowered her face into the crook of his neck. In the moonlight, her golden hair almost glowed like witchfires. It was unnerving how attractive she was from so far away. "Oh, how I've missed your warmth."

I felt my heart ache as soon as she stopped talking in favour of kissing my father's shoulder. I didn't know who she was, but I would have paid a thousand Septims to hear her talk. The sound of her voice was sweeter than the chimes of the temple of Kynareth and I was compelled to share this information with her. I had to go over and talk to her. I had to tell her how I felt.

And so I stood. So did Agmaer. As we got up in unison about thirty yards from Pa, who had his back to us, the sweet flower known as Psymia raised her face from Pa's shoulder. Immediately I felt the flames of passions douse, for a chill as wintry as a Pale blizzard took root in my veins. For what I saw when she raised her face were eyes of ochre flame, glimmering against the night sky like hateful coals. Ivory fangs protruded past her lips, now caked with crimson as her sonorous voice gave way to a shrill hiss. Pa groaned, but that didn't matter. Agmaer was running. Not away, but towards her, axe raised. I followed suit, for it was clear as day now just what has been going on.

A vampire! Pa had fallen victim to a vampire's wiles! Who knew how long she–no, it–had been draining him dry? It's why he was too tired to come home. It's why he could not verbalise who he was talking about, though he wanted to. He had been bewitched! The realisation turned my passion from earlier into rage. I, who had never been in a fight in my life, felt it drive me towards her as my brother and I cried bloody murder while closing the distance.

The vampire turned Pa around. He looked dazed, blood draining out of an open wound from his neck. We were fifteen yards or so away when the vampire, caressing his cheek with one hand and holding him before it like a human shield, pointed at us over his shoulder.

"Protect me, Arn!" it cried with a honeyed pitch, even as its pale face twisted into a hateful snarl. "They're coming to take you away from me!"

Cruel demon. My father lumbered forward, hands raised as if to fight. One glance at his eyes told me that nobody was home, however. Seeing him advance upon us, ready to fight, caused Agmaer to slow down. And taking advantage of this, the vampire disappeared into the night. Invisibility! It was what I had seen moments before.

"Get her!" I said, raising my shield as Pa came closer. "I'll handle him!"

"I would if I could see her!"

And then, the Divines smiled upon us. From our right, a little distance away from where the vampire had been, came the familiar burning sensation of gathering magicka. A spell that requires a charge. I instinctively turned to look, but Agmaer hadn't. By the time I had, though, a spear of solid ice flew at us, hurtled with malintent. Agmaer was just turning towards that direction, being distracted by Pa, but I did not have that luxury.

At that moment, I don't know what came over me. I can scarcely explain it. I stepped in front of Agmaer and raised my free hand, similarly pulling the magicka out of the air and my own body into a shimmering shield of force, a wall between my brother and I and the fell forces of the vampire's magick. I could see the ice spike coming at my face at lightning speed. For a second, I wavered and considered just ducking. But then the air shimmered. The ward bloomed and I thrust my hand out just in time for the ice spike to bounce off.

Agmaer, too, acted on instinct. He took a step forward and, summoning every bit of strength in his body, threw the axe in the direction of the spike. It whistled through the air, cutting through the darkness, before biting into flesh with a wet thud. Immediately the vampire's invisibility fell and I saw perhaps the most grossly gory scene in my life.

The axe had bit into the vampire's face diagonally, splitting it into two distinct hemispheres. I saw it stagger back in the moonlight from the force of the throw… and then reach up and peel it off its face with disdain.

"You will rue the day you crossed me, mortals," she shrieked, throwing Pa's axe down into the grass. "Have your father now, but know that he has already signed his soul to the Lord of Domination!"

I didn't know what to do. Agmaer and I didn't have any weapons, but we didn't get the time to think about that. Pa, with a wheezing groan, crumpled to the ground. I was at his side immediately but Psymia was gone when I glanced over. I didn't know if she would attack us again, but Agmaer put that thought to rest by dropping to his knees by Pa.

"Is he alive?" he asked and that snapped me out of my reverie. I held my fingers under his nose and confirmed that he was still breathing. Then I reached into my satchel. I always carry those potions for a reason, and now they would see use. First, I applied a potion of cure disease to the wound. It would help deal with whatever infection the bite had incurred. Some charred skeever hide and mudcrab chitin. A wonderful thing.

Next, I supported his head in one hand and poured the two healing potions down his throat. Blue mountain flowers mixed with stolen wheat from the Battle-Born farm. Never again would I ever consider stopping my thievery.

I don't know if the potions had any sort of effect, because we didn't stand around to find out. Each of us taking a shoulder, we walked Pa as fast as we could to the gates of Whiterun, where some guards took him off our hands. I've been waiting outside the temple since.

It is morning now. The gates of the temple have opened and Danica is waving at me to go in. I'm not prepared for whatever news awaits me. Merciful Stendarr, give me the strength to carry this weight.

Same day, early evening

A new evening hovers on the horizon but I find myself unready to face it. I'm sitting on a bench in the Hall of the Dead, where Agmaer and I decided it would be best to keep Pa. There was nothing we could do. When Danica called me in, she told me that Pa had been infected with Sanguinnaire Vampiris. Had been for a while.

"The disease can be cured with a potion before three days have passed," she told me firmly, though her face betrayed empathy and hurt. "I'm afraid it's been weeks, boys." Agmaer sat stone-faced in one of the benches while she delivered this news. "I'm afraid you were living with almost a full-blooded vampire for close to a month."

I asked her if anything could be done. She told me that she only knew of two ways: to destroy him with fire, or to inter him into a sarcophagus and place a wardstone upon it so he couldn't escape.

"There is a priest I know in Morthal who has more experience with vampires than I do," she admitted. "I will write him a letter today. But until he gets back to me, I'm afraid my options are limited."

When I nodded to show my understanding, she placed a hand on my shoulder. "I'll leave you two to think about it. It is a difficult decision, Hanse. Take all the time you need."

Except I didn't need time. I went and sat beside Agmaer, who was holding Pa's axe tenderly in his hands. The guards had gone out to investigate the scene after hearing our story and come back with it. They had seen no sign of a vampire anywhere nearby, and neither had the guards from Whitewatch tower, but the footsteps in the ground had verified our story. I was just glad we had gotten Pa's axe back.

"I'm not killing him," I told Agmaer. He looked at me. "He was almost a vampire. He could have attacked us, Agmaer, but he didn't. He worked in the sun, he slept and ate. He was breathing." I sighed deeply and looked over at the still figure lying atop one of Danica's sickbeds. "He recognised us. To the end, he was Pa. I'm going to wait until I hear from this Morthal priest."

"And keep him under lock and key until then? Trapped in a grave?"

I wrung my hands. "If there is a chance I could cure him, I have to take it."

"I know. I just want him to go the Nord way. With dignity and a weapon in hand." His fingers tightened around the haft of the axe. "He was a soldier, damn it! He deserves better than being kept in a box."

"I know. But our options are limited."

"Well, I've decided what I'm going to do." I looked at him, but his gaze was fixed upon the axe. "I'm going to hitch a ride with the Khajiit caravan outside the city."

I had a feeling this was coming. Swallowing the lump forming in my throat, I asked, "And go where?"

"You heard about the Dawnguard?"

"Vampire hunters or something. Right?"

"Yeah. In the old fort near Riften." He sighed and patted my knee. "I'm sorry. But I can't stay here knowing Pa will be… like that in some coffin. And I can't rest without doing… something. I want… I want to kill vampires, Hanse. I want to torch every coven in Skyrim."

"I know." I had the same feeling. "When do you leave?"

"Right now." He squeezed my knee. I nodded. "I can't stay here and watch him get entombed. I'll take the axe, though. And when I meet Psymia again, I'll finish the job with it. For all our sakes."

Despite myself, I smiled. It was the Nord way, after all. Fair compensation, be it in gold or blood, had to be paid. And Agmaer had decided on blood. I put my arm around his shoulders and pulled him into a side-hug. My twin. My brother. We had never been separated in our lives. The death of my mother had only brought us closer. And now, in one fell swoop, I would have no family to come home to.

"Write to me when you get there, all right?" He nodded. "I want to know how you're getting along there."

"I will, Hanse. You too. Send word with the caravans, and I'll be sure to get it." He turned and kissed my temple. "I will miss you, but this is the path I've chosen."

"I wish you could have stayed a few more days. It will be… difficult."

"I know. But Stendarr gives us strength enough to bear it, brother. And you are strong. You protected me from the ice magick."

I waved it off. He stood up. My own twin brother. He looked so grown up now. Spine straightened and face filled with grim purpose.

"I'll leave now before I lose my nerve, Hanse." I nodded. What more could I say? Stop him? No. "I know I'll start having doubts later on, so I have to go now while I can. Before I do, though," he knelt before me, "promise me that you'll take care of yourself."

I chuckled. "You first."

He held out a hand to shake. "An oath, then, among brothers. You take care of yourself, and I'll do the same. It will give us both some peace, knowing that at least."

"Right." Smiling, I took his hand. "I promise, Agmaer. Look out for yourself and train well. Visit vengeance upon these bastards when you get the chance."

"I will." He stood back up, waved, and left the temple. No looking back, no nothing. I hope he didn't see me cry, because I started right after he left. I'm glad I didn't see him cry, either, though I know he did as well.

He's my twin. Of course I know he cried.

But that was in the morning. Since then, I've cried myself out. I also saw Danica and Andurs put Pa to rest. The wardstone will keep him from getting out of his coffin. We were as secretive about it as we could be. Nobody knew who was in the coffin being carried from the temple to the Hall of the Dead. I didn't accompany it. I came afterwards. And I've been here since.

Danica was able to get Andurs a new amulet of Arkay. So, there's that.

As for me? I don't know. I'll stay here for a while. At least a few hours. I want to sit by my father's coffin and see if he comes alive at night. I don't know what I'll do, but Andurs has agreed to keep vigil with me, in case I end up doing something stupid.

Heh. Vigil. Vigilant. Vigilance is the need of the hour, it seems. My brother is off to become a vampire hunter. I don't know what the future holds for me. I don't even know what tomorrow will bring my way. I guess I'll find out.

Stendarr, have mercy upon our souls and give us the strength to bear whatever happens.