Chapter Text
Cater stood in his club room on one of the rare days they were actually practicing and not just sitting around and eating snacks while talking about whatever random subject that came up. Like Kalim’s topic of choice earlier, discussing how apparently grass felt pain and screamed when it was cut. The ginger had taken to writing a few songs, normally he kept it all surface level, never diving too deeply into his own emotions, but lately, his feelings for a certain beautiful blonde actor had been weighing heavily on him. So he’d decided to work through his feelings in lyric form. Hoping his bandmates wouldn’t look at it too seriously.
“Remember this is supposed to be slow, so follow my tempo if you would.” He winked back at Kalim who was seated at his drum set. He was notorious for trying to speed up every song, like a child who’d been given too much caffeine and sugar and then unleashed on an unsuspecting society.
“Sure!” the Asim heir declared with far too much energy and enthusiasm than the song required. “It’s your song, right? We’ll play it how you want!”
Lilia just laughed, “A reasonable request.”
“Awesome.” the ginger brought his fingers up to the side of his face in his trademark grin, before turning his attention to his guitar, making sure it was tuned properly for his run through. Slowly his fingers started moving across the strings of his guitar, a heavy melancholy tune filled the room, as Lilia joined in on his bass, and Kalim added a steady drum beat.
Emerald eyes shut as their owner leaned into the microphone letting his emotions guide him as he sang the lyrics he’d tormented himself over for the last week or so.
I see you standing there,
Sun caught in your hair.
I call your name
Only to have it end the same
You're everything to me
But I'll only ever be...
Lost in the shadow of You
And I can't break free
My heart is lost at sea
I know you'll never feel the same
I only have myself to blame
As he sang his heart out, he felt something rise up in his chest. He stopped singing as a coughing fit overtook him. The music stopped as two concerned sets of eyes landed on him. “Cater!’ Kalim cried out.
The ginger took a deep breath. “Sorry,” he spoke as his eyes watered. “I think something got stuck in my throat.”
“Are you alright?” Lilia asked with concern.
“I will be.” he managed though the feeling was still there. “I’m gonna hit the bathroom and get some water.”
Kalim smiled. “Okay, Lilia I can chill until you get back.”
Cater headed for the door holding up a peace sign as he ducked out and the pair left behind flopped on a set of bean bag chairs in the room, dropping into another one of their odd discussions. Once outside the room, the ginger tried to take a deep breath only to start coughing again. His eyes watered, and he rushed to the bathroom, praying it was empty and he wouldn’t run into anyone.
He pushed his way into the restroom and then into one of the stalls and locked the door. Another coughing fit overtook him, and he didn’t think it would stop, his lungs had started to burn, joined with his watery eyes. And for a moment he thought he might die here, a thought that didn’t scare him as much as it should have. He gasped and wheezed trying to clear his lungs when finally he felt something rise up out of the back of his throat when it was over he was left staring at a cluster of deep purple lily petals laying in his hands.
As his breath returned to him he registered what this meant. He’d remembered learning about it in his health class. The deadly petals that manifested from deep seated feelings of unrequited love whose only options were to have your feelings returned, laughable in Cater’s case given the last 3 years. Submit to a surgery that cut out not only the flowers but all your feelings and memories associated with the source of your love. Or…die.
A slight laugh left the ginger's mouth as he slid to the floor, back against the door to his stall. “Well, the universe really did say fuck you I guess.” he tossed the petals into the toilet in front of him before taking some toilet paper and cleaning himself up. “I mean I’ve always known I wasn’t good enough, you didn’t have to do this to…remind me. I’d already accepted it. Couldn’t just let me cling….” tears started to run down his face.
The core of the problem was Cater wasn’t entirely sure having the surgery would change anything. His memories of Vil were…complicated. But undoubtedly one of the reasons he was still alive. The ginger’s childhood had not been…pleasant. But one of the few things that had gotten him through it was the other’s films. More often than not he found himself sympathizing with Vil’s characters on screen, who had been branded a villain, simply for not fitting into a society that had turned its back on him. The idea that someone out there had the courage to fight back against an unfair world had carried a small hopeless child through many nights he might not have otherwise survived.
To lose those memories meant losing that hope that had sustained him, still sustained him. Cater had never been able to tell Vil what he really meant to him, there was a vulnerability there he’d never let himself expose. Hidden behind a flashy attitude and fake smiles. He knew the actor despised everything fake, but to offer him something real was too painful to think of. Who would want such a pathetic child, clinging to something that didn’t even exist? Never mind that he knew the other didn’t think kindly of his villainous roles. To learn that they were one of the reasons the ginger loved him would never help his case.
So for now, as he pushed himself up, fearful his clubmates might come looking for him, he decided the best thing to do was to hide his condition away like he did everything else, a bright smile, and bubbly personality. Mask firmly back in place as he exited the stall, he looked himself over making sure that he hadn’t accidentally gotten something on his school uniform before he washed his hands.
He reentered their club room, smile as bright as before. “Hey, guys sorry about that. I think my throat was just a little dry. “
“No problem!” Kalim laughed. "I asked Lilia how many marshmallows he thought I could fit in my mouth, and I asked him mini, regular, or jumbo, what do you think?"
“Ah…” he laughed a bit. “Mini is cheating, and Jumbo isn’t as impressive a number. So I’d say…regular” He shrugged. “And I vote 32”
“I need to go get marshmallows for tomorrow and we can all try.” the blond laughed.
Lilia crossed his arms. “This does seem like an important experiment.” he chuckled. “What does the winner get?”
“To eat a lot of marshmallows.” Cater laughed, “Though remind me to pick up some chili powder.”
Kalim’s face lit up a bit before his eyes went wide. “Oh! I should go. I promised Silver I’d meet him tonight. And I gotta get ready.”
Lilia had an amused smile on his face. “Have fun, I’m sure Cater and I can handle clean up.”
“Yep.” the ginger brought his fingers to the side of his face in a V. “Leave it to us singles.” he let out a laugh, but he really was happy for his friend. At least one of them wasn’t a complete loser.
“Thanks!” He jumped up and hugged both of them. “I’ll see you tomorrow and we can try your song again”
“See ya later.” Cater waved him off before he started to pick up some of the discarded wrappers and cans, as Lilia went about moving the furniture back into place.
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Hiding his condition was laughably easy. You had to have people in your life willing to navigate the uncomfortable nature of prying into your business in order to not hide something like this with little effort. Cater was not cursed with such people. A benefit of keeping even those perceived as close to him at arm's length. A mask so firmly in place everyone perceived it as the real him. There was only really one person who even realized the front he put on wasn’t his authentic self, and well, that was at the center of his current problem.
Outwardly the only thing that changed is he’d started to slack off a bit, something he’d chalked up to the approaching end of their 3rd year. Luckily it all played into his normal persona, along with his lack of a confirmed internship. The ginger honestly didn’t see a point right now. Whatever future he might have had, had gone up in smoke. Cater might not even finish his 3rd year depending on the progress of his condition. Which was…. slightly concerning. He’d been coughing up whole flowers for the past couple of weeks.
A letter that had arrived on his birthday from his mother had solidified he was making the right decision by not pursuing surgery. He’d nearly written her back telling her he was already in the process of dying and she’d get her wish soon enough, all because he was just as unloveable as she’d always insisted.
Cater had been tapping into more of his magic to make sure that things he had to get done still did. Work around the dorm and the like. Unfortunately, his clones suffered the same affliction he did, he hadn’t figured out how to create one without it, but in the end, he’d just made more, and when one tired out and poofed he’d just replaced it with another. His magic reserves had at least not been affected by the flowers in his lungs.
Otherwise, he’d started to go through his days mechanically, living just because the hanahaki hadn’t killed him yet. Each morning he woke up and forced himself out of bed (though a few days he hadn’t and just sent more clones in his place) he was almost angry. Why couldn’t this stupid disease just kill him faster?
He headed out, and despite how bad he felt, the ginger never sent a clone to his advanced potions class. It was one of the few he shared with Vil, and even if he knew he didn’t have a chance, he still loved him. His feelings for the blonde were literally killing him. But he couldn’t help it. If he only had a little time left, he’d take what he could get.
That's why he drug himself into the class that morning. Even the large cup of black coffee he’d had for breakfast hadn’t been able to shake the fatigue he was feeling, but he forced a smile on his face as he walked up to his cauldron. Vil was already there, preparing his tools for the day, looking radiant as ever. Every perfectly gold spun thread of hair in its place. Impeccable makeup, sharp eyes Cater wished he could get lost on, and lips he’d only ever be able to guiltily dream of how they tasted. Vil was everything he wanted and more. And despite working in the space next to him, was so far away it caused the burning in his chest to flare up, threatening to expel his secret.
Vil looked over at him, and the ginger pretty sure had a look of disgust on his face. “Cater…” he crossed his arms gazing at him. “You look like you're about to fall asleep standing over your cauldron. Your skin looks pale, your cheek mark is crooked, and your hair is….”
Cater just let out a laugh rubbing the back of his head. “Ah just up late working on a project for the music club is all.” he smiled at him.
“Hmmm.” Lavender eyes studied him for a moment before looking away. “Well you should take better care of yourself, Club activities should not come before your school work or your health and sleep.”
The ginger could feel the tickling of the flower petals at the back of his throat. How pathetic was he that even Vil’s scolding caused feelings to swirl within him? Emerald eyes fell, as he turned and walked over to the supply cabinet as an excuse to get away and expel the petals before they got him caught, quickly shoving his rag back into his pocket. He’d have to clean it out in the bathroom after class.
By the time Cater made it back to his cauldron, Crewel had entered ready to start class. So he just settled on focusing on the project in front of him. He was half afraid if he looked at Vil again he’d start coughing up bouquets. Of all the things to get him to focus on his studies the threat of his crush finding out he was dying because of his feelings was such a weird motivator, but here he was thinly dicing his rose hips into the precise measurement the potion called for.
The ginger was nearly startled as the bell ending their period rang. As he looked down realizing he’d actually brewed the concoction correctly. Emerald eyes flashed up to see Crewel standing there. “Well then Diamond, I had begun to wonder if you were actually going to pass my class this semester. It's good to see you haven’t just been sleeping through my lectures.”
“Ah….” truthfully he wasn’t completely there. “Thank you.” he finally registered.
“Now move along to your next class, I’d hate to get a lecture from Trein for holding you up. Just try to keep up with the work, we only have a little bit of time left.” Crewel cracked his whip, and the ginger didn’t look back as he took off out of the classroom. Completely missing the set of lavender eyes watching him dart out the door.