Chapter Text
Asgard was a realm of eternity and light, the realm from which the Allfather reigned and watched over the Nine. The weather was as constant as the Allfather’s purpose; the sun always shone over the Realm Eternal.
But on this day, the future Allfather darkened the skies and soaked the ground with rain.
“Bring him back.” Thor had pleaded, not for the first time, and Frigga held her son’s hand sadly.
“Would that I could, dearheart.”
“He is my baby brother.” Thor said, as though that were argument to his cause.
Frigga inhaled slowly as she steeled herself and drew upon all her reserves as a queen who’d reigned for centuries. She knelt before her-now only-son and pulled him close. “I know, my love. I know.”
Thor wept and the skies wept with him.
--xx--
Odin had been unsure of what place the infant would hold in his household. He intended to raise the boy as a son, a notion heartily accepted by his wife, but he could not foresee how that would turn out. The babe had shown incredible promise with magic and shifted to an Aesir form upon Odin’s touch. The Allparents of Asgard had longed for a sibling for their son and it seemed the perfect chance of fate when they found Laufey’s discarded son. A spark of peace amidst all the chaos and destruction.
The ready acceptance of their current son cemented matters. Thor had been skeptical of the crying infant at first until he’d held Loki in his arms and been deftly taken in by the boy. The pair were inseparable after that. Thor was loathe to let Loki out of his company and Loki was equally distraught at any absence of his older brother. Loki’s first word was a variant of Thor’s name and Thor had been delighted. The rambunctious prince had learned a gentleness and patience from his time with Loki that pleased their parents well.
Frigga and Odin often found Thor curled up with Loki in his bed when he’d moved from his cradle. Thor would tell his brother animated stories and speak to the boy as though he could understand. Loki, in turn, seemed bright and inquisitive. He began to speak and crawl from a startlingly young age to the further pride and glee of his eager elder brother.
The day came when Frigga chanced upon her sons outside near a little decorative pool where a family of frogs had taken up residence.
“Frogs, Tor!” The toddler exclaimed as he tugged eagerly on Thor’s tunic.
Thor grinned as he half-hugged his brother from his position next to him. “I see them, brother.”
Loki lunged for one and nearly fell into the little pool before Thor snatched him with a surprised noise.
“Loki!” Thor squeezed his brother close and Loki squirmed.
“Bruh-er!” Loki protested and pointed with a mournful expression. “Frogs!”
Frigga watched the two at play and realized just how much Loki had grown in comparison to Thor. The Allparents had attributed his growth in part to his Jotun heritage. Although Loki was destined to be a ‘runt’ by Jotun standards it seemed reasonable to think he might grow quickly for Aesir standards. The trouble came when Thor was nearly the height he’d been when Loki came to them but Loki, only seven in mortal years, was of a height with his older brother.
“He grows too quickly.” Frigga fretted. “Perhaps we should give him an apple.”
The golden apples of Idunn increased the longevity and power of the gods, they helped to slow the aging process and were not generally given fully until the Asgardian in question had neared their prime.
“We know little of how smaller-born giants grow.” Odin noted. “We may yet condemn Loki to being far smaller than his peers if we are hasty.”
“I have an ill feeling.” Frigga said with a worried look.
“A little longer then.” Odin compromised. “And we will see if need calls for intervention.”
Before long, Loki had passed up his brother in height to the latter’s dismay and Loki’s glee.
Thor was the equivalent of ten mortal years and his little brother was several inches taller. Loki seemed older in more than form as well, he had matured quickly though it was often chalked up to Loki’s cleverness.
“What was that, little brother?” Loki teased as he wrapped his arms around Thor from behind in a tight hug meant to pin Thor’s arms at his side.
Thor squirmed in his grasp and was a touch angry as he growled. “Loki!”
The growth had gotten too out of hand to ignore though, not when Loki’s heritage was meant to be kept secret. The Allparents decided to give Loki an apple to slow down his growth.
Loki had been puzzled by the apple and why he was to be given one. They explained that Loki’s birth had been a troubled one and they worried at the rate of his growth. Loki said he did not mind it [he enjoyed teasing his smaller older brother] but Frigga talked him around. She pointed out that at this rate, he would be a man while Thor was still a boy. Loki’s amusement fell at that and he looked concerned. So he ate of the apple and went to join his brother only to collapse shortly after. Loki was sick for two days and vomited up the apple he’d eaten. Thor stayed loyally at Loki’s bedside. He let his larger younger brother curl up against him while Thor stroked his hair and hummed to him.
The end result of a great deal of research, discussion, and testing was that a genetic quirk of Loki’s gave him what was more or less an allergy to Idunn’s apples.
“What does that mean?” Loki asked in a small voice when his parents told him during a time Thor was out of the room.
“...We are not entirely sure, dearheart.” Frigga admitted. The Allparents couldn’t say whether Loki would reach his prime quickly but then stop growing or if he was truly growing at what was essentially a mortal rate. They even spoke to a Jotun who had married into Frigga’s Vanir family but Loki’s condition was unheard of.
Loki’s eyes grew wet with tears. “…Then…I will get older? …Older than Thor?” The question was miserable and half-whispered.
“Thor will always be your elder brother.” Odin said.
“But he will not look so.” Loki’s lip trembled.
The youngest prince of Asgard asked that Thor not be told yet. Loki wasn’t sure how Thor would react and he wasn’t sure how to handle the news himself. He kept aloof from Thor as he tried to process the information which meant that Thor was all the more eager to see his brother. Thor finally barged his way into Loki’s room and demanded an explanation.
Loki started a quarrel out of defensive sorrow and frustration, the brothers began to yell at each other, Loki shoved Thor to the ground and then promptly burst into tears.
Thor was immediately contrite and worried as Loki slid to the floor with slumped shoulders. “Brother! Brother…I am fine…really-”
“-Not that.” Loki half-sobbed and half-sniffled. “I-…Brother.”
The endearment was spoken so wretchedly that it hurt Thor’s heart and he pulled his brother against him in a fierce hug. “Whatever it is, Loki, all will be well. I promise. I will fix it.”
“-You can’t!” Loki wailed before he fell apart on his brother. When he’d calmed slightly he told Thor of his situation in a shaky voice and Thor was stunned.
“Mother and Father will find a way to fix this! You will see!” Thor encouraged and Loki shook his head.
“I am going to be old while you are little still.” Loki whispered with his head on Thor’s shoulder.
“I am not little!” Thor protested automatically before he processed Loki’s words. He had already begun to sniffle by that point. “E-Even if you…g-get older…” his voice shook and Loki’s eyes filled with tears anew. “You will still be my little brother, Loki.” Thor gripped his brother tightly. “I love you, brother.”
“I love you too, brother.” Loki cried.
--
Loki reached the equivalent of sixteen mortal years in no time at all and it put him nearly a foot taller than Thor who was still roughly ten. His condition was made known around Asgard to be an incurable disease that caused him to age rapidly. All of Asgard pitied the second prince and treated him with a mixture of pity and morbid fascination.
Thor was a constant for Loki, he remained ever-faithful and stalwart as Loki’s brother.
“Come on, little brother.” Thor used the additional title more often these days, as if to ensure Loki understood that he still was that even if he didn’t look it. “Let us go outside! We could-”
“-No thank you, brother.” Loki said, politely but somewhat coolly as he kept his attention on his book.
He loved his brother, loved Thor all the more in fact for Thor’s ardent defense and affection. Thor didn’t treat Loki like he was odd or look at him like he was fragile. But sometimes things happened like newcomers mistaking Loki for the elder, or someone whispering about Loki’s ‘disease’, and Thor would get a certain look on his face. A look as though Thor’s heart was being clamped in a vise and a sheen of wetness would enter his eyes. Loki’s condition pained both of the brothers and seeing Thor be heart-sore about it made Loki hurt.
And even though Loki hated himself for it…he couldn’t help but be a little jealous and resentful too. Thor was healthy and young, exactly as he was supposed to be, and he was always praised wherever he went. The one thing he really had on Thor was how clever and mature Loki was seen to be. His tutors praised him for it and foreign visitors remarked upon the fact. Loki was desperate for a sense of normality and to be more than Asgard’s sickly second prince so he leaned into the role. Which meant having to regard Thor as childish compared to himself. Loki protected some measure of himself by holding himself above Thor in that sense.
If he had only known then how much he would regret that later.
“Lo-ki!” Thor pressed as he tugged at his brother’s arm though he could no longer just pull Loki about as he’d used to. “All you do is read, come and play with me, brother-”
Loki shrugged his brother’s arm off and snapped. “-Must you be such a child, Thor?” He regretted the words as soon as he spoke them, as soon as he saw the stricken look on Thor’s face as though Loki had struck him. “…I-”
“-I am older than you!” Thor snarled back, defensive with heat where Loki was cold. “You cannot speak to me that way!”
Loki bristled because it was easier to capitulate to a quarrel than express remorse. The topic touched too closely to his insecurities and frustrations and he so rarely had any outlet for them. “And what will you do about it?” he demanded as he rose to loom over his brother. Thor, for all of his unnatural strength, could no longer beat Loki at sparring. Loki’s older form and style of fighting gave him the advantage. He’d received more training more quickly because of his rapid aging. He knew Thor hated it when Loki used his size advantage and he saw Thor’s expression grow miserable as Loki stood before him.
Thor wasn’t one to back down though and predictably attempted to wrestle Loki anyway. He managed to shove Loki back onto his bed but before long, Loki had managed to get them back on the ground with Thor pinned beneath him. Thor squirmed with his wrists pinned beside his head in Loki’s grasp. “Let go of me, Loki!”
“Do you yield?” Loki demanded.
Thor thrashed violently beneath him but to no avail. “I said let go!”
“When you yield.” Loki insisted as he tightened his grip on his brother’s wrists.
“Get off!” Thor snarled but Loki would not be moved. Frustrated and self-ashamed tears made Thor’s eyes glisten as he stopped his struggle and look away.
The sight put a dread feeling in the pit of Loki’s stomach as his grip loosened.
“I just wanted to spend time with you, Loki.” Thor said lowly with his eyes fixed on a wall.
Loki swallowed hard as remorse filled him and he slowly moved off his brother. Thor remained on his back a few seconds before he rose without looking at Loki. “Brother.”
“I will see you at dinner.” Thor mumbled and Loki reached for his brother’s arm but Thor had already headed for the door and Loki couldn’t bring himself to speak.
None of this was Thor’s fault and Loki knew that. His brother would fix Loki in a heartbeat had he the power to do so. Thor didn’t ask to be the favored prince, the one born right. And Loki knew that Thor loved him every bit as dearly as Loki loved him.
But Thor had everything and Loki had so very little. He couldn’t help his anger at times or the way he wanted to lash out at Thor. Loki wanted to be Thor’s little brother properly again, he truly did, but that wasn’t an option. All the same, he pulled his legs to his chest and buried his face in his arms and grieved again for the life slipping so quickly away from him.
--
Perhaps in part due to seeing Loki’s restless frustration, the Allparents agreed to let Loki take a two-year sojourn of sorts for his sorcery. And for time away from Asgard.
Thor was far from pleased and had moped his way through dinner the night before Loki was to leave. Loki slipped into his brother’s rooms in the evening and found Thor huddled in bed and melancholy.
“What do you want?” Thor mumbled.
Loki couldn’t help but think of how much Thor did seem a child. The younger prince was approaching manhood but Thor was still a faintly chubby-cheeked boy. “Mind if I join you?” he asked softly where once, a properly small Loki would make his way into Thor’s bed readily. Thor always welcomed Loki’s company or offered comfort if Loki had a nightmare or fear.
“Don’t worry, brother.” Thor kissed the crown of Loki’s head as he held the smaller boy close. “I will always protect you.”
Thor shrugged. “If you want to.”
Loki slipped into bed beside Thor and the brothers sat in awkward silence a moment before Loki moved Thor’s arm up and shifted to lay his head against the side of Thor’s chest. He put his other arm over Thor’s waist and held his brother close against his chest. Thor was stiff in Loki’s arms but didn’t pull away. “I will only be gone for two years.” he soothed.
“That is forever for you.” Thor muttered and Loki flinched.
Months had passed since the incident where Loki had pinned Thor. The incident seemed to be forgiven and yet the gap between them seemed to have widened still. “I wish it was not.” Loki whispered. “I never wanted this, brother.” Despite any quarrels between them, Thor was always weak to Loki’s sorrow.
Thor instantly tilted in Loki’s grasp to regard his brother as he cupped Loki’s neck in their gesture of affection and pressed their foreheads together. “Sorry.” he mumbled.
Loki knew apologies were rare from his brother and he hadn’t meant to make Thor feel guilty anyway. He closed his eyes as he let their noses touch and rested his hand on Thor’s arm. “When I come back...we can go somewhere, you and I. What do you think?” he asked softly and felt as though he were speaking to a child which put an uncomfortable twist in his belly.
Thor grinned at that. “You cannot take it back!” he declared.
“I wouldn’t dream of it.” Loki said ‘solemnly’ and he slumped against his brother somewhat as Thor pulled him into a tight embrace. Thor used to see so large but now Loki’s arms fully encircled his older brother as Thor fit against him. He felt a sudden remorse towards his brother for his own increasingly distant behavior. Thor could be annoying but he was still Loki’s brother and he’d done his best to take Loki’s condition in stride. And…at the rate Loki was growing…his life was going to be far shorter than his brother’s. A sudden lump formed in his throat as his eyes stung with tears. None of this was fair and they were the sort of thoughts that came more readily in Thor’s presence because how could Thor not be a reminder of what Loki wasn’t. An unbidden whimper formed in the back of Loki’s throat to his embarrassment and Thor heard it.
“Brother-”
“It is nothing.” Loki said quickly as he tried to pull away but Thor gripped his tunic and ducked to see Loki’s face. Thor caught Loki’s cheek in a warm hand as Loki tried to turn away.
“I will miss you, brother.” Thor told Loki, rather solemnly for the boisterous boy. He wasn’t sure why his little brother was sad and supposed it must be to do with the leaving. Thor didn’t see why Loki was leaving in the first place but there it was. “If anyone is unkind to you, I will challenge them to combat.” The little thunderer declared.
Loki couldn’t help it; he burst out a laugh and Thor’s expression formed a pout.
“I will!” Thor insisted and then blinked when Loki covered Thor’s hand with his own larger one and leaned against Thor’s palm with a light smile. He’d not seen Loki smile like that in some time.
“Thank you, big brother.” Loki offered and saw Thor beam as Loki used the full endearment. He’d not said it in ages, and before that had teased Thor about being the ‘little’ brother. Loki couldn’t help his envy of Thor but neither could he help that he loved Thor in far greater measure. Even if he found it easier to fall back on withdrawing at times. “I will miss you too.” he admitted.
Thor looked like Yule had come early at those words and Loki realized with a jolt how hungry for Loki’s affection his brother apparently was. Guilt settled in him again and he resolved to do better when he returned. Thor tugged Loki into another hug which the latter obliged as Thor pressed a kiss to the crown of his head.
--xx--
The two years passed quickly for Loki as he traveled the realms though most of his time was spent between Vanaheim and Alfheim. Loki studied with masters of magic, perused rare tomes, and collected a number of artifacts he stored in his self-created dimensional pocket. He also experienced a touch of romance in Vanaheim with a young lady named Sigyn. Loki had turned his mind from such pursuits when he realized he was destined to age ahead of his peers by leaps and bounds. But Sigyn won him over and before he knew it he’d grown smitten with her. His affections were unrequited, of course, as Sigyn actually was the age that Loki only looked. She didn’t treat him with the sort of pity that most Asgardians did, but the Vanir lady seemed only to regard him fondly as a child.
But he didn’t feel like a child.
Loki’s body wasn’t the only thing to mature rapidly. He felt his years and then some, heavy with the weight of his abnormal existence and his own bleak future. Loki returned to Asgard richer in magical skill but poorer in mood. He had grown a little further still which made his expected reunion with his brother bittersweet. Two years was nothing for an Asgardian and so while Thor had grown an inch or so and gained a touch more mass, he still looked as a boy while Loki was practically a man.
Thor stood beside his mother as Loki formally greeted their father in the throne room. Loki looked older again, to Thor’s dismay, and less like his little brother. He couldn’t say exactly what was different but there was something in the way that Loki carried himself that was…changed.
Loki, as a prince of Asgard, updated his father on goings on in the different realm before he reported on his studies. Then the formalities were finished and Frigga embraced Loki. A conversation began between the Allparents and Loki before Loki had a chance to greet Thor who had held back.
Thor watched his little brother speak soberly and like an adult. Worse still, he watched as their parents spoke that way back…as if Loki wasn’t Thor’s baby brother and younger than him. The sight put a scraping feeling in his insides and his hands clenched and unclenched restlessly at his sides. He couldn’t stand the sight and he found himself gone from the throne room before he could give it another thought. Thor ran to the palace gardens and climbed the tallest, leafiest tree as he hid without being entirely sure why. He remembered his Loki climbing with him.
“I will help you, brother.” Thor assured Loki who had grown to be almost as tall as he. Loki looked uncertain and he gave his little brother a grin as he ruffled his hair and Loki squawked a protest. Thor let Loki stand on his shoulders and helped him to push up before he climbed up quickly on the other side. He reached and tugged his brother up the rest of the way where Loki had frozen in a sudden fright. Loki clutched at Thor as he looked down and Thor laughed which earned him a glare. “You did well, Loki.” Thor praised and Loki looked dubious before he relaxed. “Now look at the garden.” he said and smiled warmly at the awe that filled Loki’s features at his mother’s garden from on high.
Thor wasn’t sure how long he’d been in the tree by the time night fell. He knew he should get down and shouldn’t have run at all but…
“Thor?”
Thor hadn’t expected the voice and startled as he nearly lost his balance. He helped and fumbled for the branch only to see a green light around him as he was righted. Thor peered down at his brother as he calmed his then racing heart. “I wasn’t going to fall.” he said crossly though it wasn’t really what he wanted to say at all.
Loki had been eager if nervous to greet his brother and Thor’s sudden disappearance had disheartened him. He’d eventually asked Heimdall of his brother’s whereabouts and hadn’t known what to make of Thor’s apparent attempt to hide. Loki was more than a little disappointed that Thor’s first words to him were snarky rather than happy to see him. Perhaps Thor had realized he didn’t especially want to bother with a little brother with Loki’s condition. “I see.” he said quietly. “I will leave you to it then…” he started to turn when Thor’s voice stopped him.
“W-Wait!” Thor exclaimed and Loki paused as he glanced back at his brother. “You…erm…you are home.” he finished lamely.
“Indeed.”
An awkward silence passed between them and Loki was nearly about to attempt to leave again before Thor made an offer. “Do you…want to come up?”
Loki’s interest in climbing a tree was nil but he too remembered happy times spent with his brother doing just that. The other was also one he didn’t want to miss out on. “If I would not be a bother.” he said anyway, just to see what Thor might say. He saw Thor scrunch his face with a deep frown in the moonlight.
“You are my brother. Not a bother.” Thor said and he sounded a touch exasperated. “Even if you are a brat.” he added in a superior tone that was belied by a tentative smirk.
Loki felt a tightness loosen in his chest at Thor’s acceptance and he decided to show off a bit as he teleported onto the branch next to Thor. The latter yelped and Loki steadied him with a ready hand and a smile. “Surprise, brother.”
Thor looked both stunned and faintly awed. “You…you can move with magic?”
“Well, I just did, did I not?” Loki chuckled at his brother’s expression and obvious question. “I learned a good many skills on my travels.” He saw Thor’s expression grow troubled as Thor again seemed more closed off. Loki was used to his brother being blunt and loud, the hesitation didn’t suit him. “Why did you not stay to greet me?” he asked softly, which was perhaps a bit unfair to ask while Thor was up a tree with him but he supposed it needed to be asked.
Thor looked pained at the question before he lowered his head and poked at a loose bit of bark. He took a moment to answer in a mumble. “I do not know.”
Loki clucked his tongue and tilted his head to be more at level with Thor’s ducked face. “You can tell me, brother.”
Thor’s shoulders slumped somewhat at that and he avoided Loki’s gaze as he mumbled again. “You are…different again.” Loki didn’t immediately respond and Thor added. “You speak with our parents…differently.”
Loki felt a punch in the gut at those words as he studied his brother’s hangdog expression. He wasn’t entirely sure what Thor meant beyond the obvious physical changes which Loki could not help. “I…cannot help my age, Thor.” he said quietly. “You know this.”
“I did not mean-” Thor halted and then started again. “You…” his hands clenched above the branch before he abruptly snatched one of Loki’s hands in his own and gripped it tightly. “I just want my brother back.”
Loki knew what Thor meant by the words but he felt a proverbial knife twist in his chest all the same. “…Is it no good if I am like this?” he made himself ask though the words tasted like ash in his mouth. “I can change my shape, if that would help.” The offer too made Loki wither a bit inside but he shifted his form all the same into one that he hoped would please his brother. A child a touch shorter than Thor, slender and short-haired in a tunic to match Thor’s but in Loki’s own colors. Thor had been about to say something but it was lost as he stared agape at Loki.
His brother had been able to hold small animal forms before but that was new. “Loki…” Thor stared at his brother whose hand he still held.
Loki had been far lonelier than he cared to admit, egged on by the experience with Sigyn. He had come to realize that he couldn’t even make the most of the time he did have. Loki was likely going to live only a handful of decades, he wasn’t even a toddler in Asgardian years. Thor was over four hundred years old and still a boy. So while Loki was spoken to in much the fashion that he spoke to others in the truth was undeniable. The best Loki could hope for was the love and understanding of his family as Loki inched nearer to the inevitable. Oh, there was a chance he would stop or slow his aging when he hit his prime but Loki doubted it. He had come to realize, with horror, that he would probably be an old man before long. The thought had driven Loki to despair and when he’d truly accepted it he had bawled wretchedly alone. He carried his fear in his heart and couldn’t bring himself to speak of it and it wasn’t like anyone would truly understand his plight. Certainly not his brother who would no doubt just be upset over the matter.
Even so, Loki wanted to at least have his brother while he still could…if Thor would even allow that. So if he had to swallow his own acidic feelings and wear a child’s shape in mockery of his own condition then…he would.
“You look like you again.” Thor said in awe and Loki barely refrained from a flinch.
Loki found himself subjected to Thor’s curious touch as he ran his hand over Loki’s cheek and through his hair before he was pulled into a fierce hug. He wanted to cry but instead kept a small smile plastered on his lips as he hugged his brother back.
“I did miss you.” Thor offered.
Loki ignored the thickness in his throat as he said back. “And I you.” The childish voice was salt in the wound. The form wasn’t even reflective of his proper age, he ought to still be far younger physically after all. But Thor was contented with Loki being the ‘little brother’.
“Sorry I…left.” Thor added in a bit of a mumble against Loki’s shoulder.
Worry not, Thor. I’d like to run from me too. Loki thought but said lightly. “No matter.”
Thor pulled back enough to press their foreheads together as had been their wont. “I like you this way.” he admitted and Loki’s stomach sank. “But you are never bad, brother.” Thor had gone back around to Loki’s earlier comment. “You are stuck being my baby brother even when you’re old.”
Loki knew Thor meant the words to be a sweet comfort but they made Loki want to weep. He dug his fingers into Thor’s back as his body trembled and he bit his lip.
“Oh-brother-” Thor sounded aghast. “I was only-I did not mean you are a baby-”
Thor misconstrued the reason for Loki’s upset and took it as a childish concern. Loki’s desire to laugh bordered on hysteria. He would be ‘old’ sooner than Thor thought if Loki’s self-prediction was correct and what then? Thor would be a golden-haired youth while Loki was decrepit, older even than their parents. The thought occurring to him while he was in Thor’s arms, in the child’s form to boot, did something to Loki’s self control. A part of him still craved his big brother’s protection and reassurance. The Thor who seemed larger than life as he snuggled a nightmare-spooked Loki into his bed or kissed his wounds better. “I don’t want to be old, big brother.” Loki confessed as his voice broke. “Please…” he more or less pleaded to the universe that had made Loki so poorly. “I do not want this.” he broke down at that as he and Thor straddled the branch and held each other. Thor’s grip was almost painfully tight and Loki welcomed it as he felt Thor’s own wet tears on his shoulder.
Thor repeated a chorus of I love you and I’m sorry and we will fix this into Loki’s neck.
Loki knew at least one of those things was a lie but he pretended for a few blissful seconds that it wasn’t so. That his brother could conquer this nightmare for Loki too. Loki gripped Thor like a lifeline and was grateful for the small mercy of having a brother. He wasn’t sure what he’d have done if he’d grown as he had with no one. “Will you still want me when I’m old?” Loki asked as he let himself be the child he’d been forced to move away from.
Thor practically bawled himself at the question as he gripped the air from Loki’s lungs. “You’re my brother!” he shouted through a sob right next to Loki’s ear and the latter winced. “I want you! I want you…I want you, brother…” his voice cracked. “I don’t want to lose you.”
Loki had never really been sure if Thor understood the implications of Loki’s condition. Thor seemed to latch onto the explanation that Loki might grow quickly then stop growing and give Thor time to catch up. His brother was ever the little optimist. The last bit was the first time Thor gave any indication he understood that Loki could…what? Did Thor understand that Loki could die or did he simply think Loki would just grow older beyond his reach? A chorus of I want you was repeated and Loki soaked the attention in. Loki wasn’t sure if Thor’s words would hold true when Loki was…elderly…but he could latch onto the promise of it and pretend he believed as much. Loki had to cling to his small mercies or he’d go mad. Truth be told, he hadn’t perhaps realized exactly how much he meant to Thor given that their relationship had passed so strangely after Loki had outstripped his older brother. The sunny, confident Thor that wept with Loki in his arms at the possibility of losing Loki was reassuring and touching. “I will stay as long as I can.”
“Swear it.” Thor demanded, muffled into Loki’s shoulder.
Loki supposed that the vow was a way for Thor to seek comfort for himself as much as Loki did with hearing Thor answer his questions positively. “I so swear.”
--
The ‘youngest’ prince of Asgard rarely left the realm after that save for trips out with Thor or their mother. He had a touch of wanderlust in him but the idea of growing older alone and returning to Asgard a stranger to his own family in his twilight years was nauseating. Loki preferred to make the most of the time he had on his realm and with his family. He had tried to find any cure or delay for his condition to no avail and knew his parents had tried the same. Every avenue had been exhausted…or so he had thought.
Ten years had passed from his trip and Loki looked to be about twenty-eight while Thor appeared about twelve then.
Loki had decided to focus on his family so he swallowed down the misery that Thor’s presence could cause and instead tried to keep to the good of Thor’s company. His shape-shifting had caused a fight for a time since Thor wanted Loki to keep to the smaller form and Loki grew increasingly frustrated by the fact to the point of avoiding Thor rather than dealing with the issue. Thor in turn had felt rejected again and lashed out in his hurt and anger. The brothers were petty towards each other for a time and Loki spent more of his days locked up in his room. The sight of Thor at play outside, even alone, caused bitterness to well in Loki.
The stalemate came to an end when an assassin made their way into Asgard. The Allfather was the main target but it was Thor who ended up bitten by a spider whose venom caused a painful paralysis then death. The cause had taken time to diagnose however and the assassin had needed to be found. Loki ended up being the one to diagnose the venom used and mix a cure while Odin was merciless to the assassin who nearly killed his son. Thor was able to be saved but the interim had done a number on Loki. When news of Thor’s collapse had come he’d been instantly worried and raced to the healing wing. Thor looked utterly small and pale in the medical bed with the lines of his veins darkened and his muscles twitching spasmodically. The notion was that Thor had been in a coma at first until a check of his eyes revealed that Thor was awake and frantic. Loki watched his brother’s eyes dart about as faint, gurgling noises came from Thor’s throat.
For the briefest instant, Loki had been almost numb to the sight as a sliver of vindictiveness led him to think for once, Thor is the one to suffer. But the thought was banished nearly as quickly as it had come and the floodgates of Loki’s emotions opened. Thor had been unchanging and exuberant, a pinnacle of Asgardian health and strength. Loki feared his own death deeply but had taken stock of Thor’s lack of changes much as Thor had noted Loki’s constant ones. He was, for the first time, confronted with the possibility of Thor dying. Thor, his older brother for all that he seemed otherwise, could be taken from Loki just like that. The last words he had spoken to Thor were in anger. The thought turned his stomach.
Loki clutched his brother’s hand as the terrified blue eyes met his own. “You will be well soon.” he promised as he squeezed Thor’s hand in both of his own. “Don’t be afraid, brother.” A gurgling whimper rumbled in Thor’s throat and it tore at Loki’s heart. He pressed a kiss to his brother’s fingers. “I won’t lose you.” he said, as much a vow as a declaration. Loki then went a step further as he closed Thor’s eyes and pressed a kiss to his cheek. He let their faces linger together a few seconds as he gave his brother’s hand another squeeze. “I’ll return soon.”
Loki researched with the help of his mother and the head healer. He ultimately found the culprit based on Thor’s symptoms. An ingredient was needed that wasn’t present on Asgard and he raced to the Bifrost Gate room to be transported to Musphelheim. The task was a dangerous one and his parents would surely have objected. Naturally, he gave them no chance to and was gone before they’d realized his intention. Loki shielded himself as he captured one of the blasted spiders whose venom was needed for the cure as well as that of a certain fire-weed. His mother was a skilled witch but potions were Loki’s domain and he mixed it precisely for his brother.
Loki had coaxed the cure down Thor’s throat and soothed his brother all the while. “This will have you better, brother.” he promised. Thor’s pale skin had turned a sweat-slicked red as the venom had begun to burn him from the inside. His body was contorted in pain and Loki waited for the potion to take effect. Loki had accidentally fallen asleep in his chair and awoken when he heard pained moans from his brother. Thor had woken on his own but was doubled over as his body trembled and tears streamed own his face. Loki had hands on his brother in an instant. “Thor?”
“B-Brother…it hurts.” Thor sounded desperate and Loki stroked Thor’s hair.
“I know, brother, I know.” Loki murmured. “It will pass.”
Thor let out a sob and twitched his fingers at Loki’s midsection. “D-Don’t leave.” he pleaded.
“Never.” Loki assured him as he ran his thumb over Thor’s cheek.
Thor sniffled. “I don’t c-care if…” he cut off with a pained noise.
“Shh, do not try to speak-” Loki started but Thor continued stubbornly.
“-You are…b-bigger. Just…stay…you promised…” Thor sounded pitiful as he stared up at Loki with wet eyes.
Loki realized his brother wasn’t only talking about in the moment. He had shouted at Thor for insisting he transform and Thor hadn’t seen the issue with it. Loki had withdrawn and not really explained his position. Thor had drawn a conclusion about that, it seemed, which wasn’t far off. “Alright.” he agreed. “But you must get well.”
Thor sniffled again and Loki felt a rush of warm, protective feelings towards the brother who’d loved Loki no less for his oddity. He had been so terrified at the realization that Thor could die, that Loki might lose his brother and dearest friend. Loki slipped sideways into the cot next to Thor as he rubbed his hand soothingly up and down Thor’s back. He felt Thor’s fingers dig into his coat and press against his stomach.
“I c-could not move.” Thor whispered in reference to his time completely paralyzed. “Coul…d…hear but n-not…speak.”
Loki cupped his hand around the back of Thor’s neck and rubbed comforting circles into it with his thumb. “You were bitten by a spider of Musphelheim. Their venom caused this.” he explained. “I made a potion to cure you.” he saw Thor’s eyes widen faintly at that.
“...How?”
Loki supposed his brother might like a tale so he told Thor what he’d need and what he’d done to get it. He could almost have laughed when Thor said, as sternly as the weakened boy could manage-
“That was…dangerous!”
“Perhaps a little.” Loki conceded and Thor glowered so he tapped his brother’s nose. “You would do the same for me, would you not?”
Thor’s glower faded as he replied wearily but sincerely. “Always, brother.”
Loki ran his fingers through Thor’s hair and felt a sense of foreboding. What would have happened if Loki had not been there to help? Would they have been able to figure out what caused the illness and save Thor in time? …What was Thor going to do without him?
--xx--
The last avenue to help Loki came not long after the whole mess. His parents awaited him in a sitting room and Loki felt his anxiety rise at their expressions. Frigga prefaced the meeting with a hug which did nothing to soothe Loki’s concerns. Loki was seated and Odin began to speak. A tale of Jotunheim and a babe that Laufey left to die but that was instead found by Odin. A babe who was adopted in the house of Odin and who proved unable to eat of Idunn’s apples.
Loki felt the floor fall out from under him and he reeled at the news that he was a frost giant. “Why take me at all?” he whispered, unable to find his voice.
“You were but a babe.” Odin said. “I could not leave you there-”
“-You were knee-deep in giant’s blood. Why take me?” Loki demanded.
“You were a babe.” Odin repeated. “And I had thought perhaps to one day bring a peace with Jotunheim but…those plans no longer matter now.”
“Because I am dying?” Loki spat, tinged with nervous laughter as he buried his face in his hands. He felt Frigga’s hands on his back as she rose and he jerked away with tears in his eyes. “I am the monster parents tell their children of! Why raise me with your son?”
“You are our son.” Frigga said firmly. “No less than Thor.”
“He is four-hundred some years my senior but looks a child while I am yet a man.” Loki said mirthlessly.
“And I love my youngest equally.” Frigga repeated as she put her hand on Loki’s head and was not denied the second time. Loki’s lip quivered and she pulled his head against her stomach as she wrapped one arm around him and cupped her hand on the back of his head.
When Loki had calmed a bit and Frigga pulled away the pair were joined by Odin. Loki looked up at him with a miserable expression and the king of Asgard put his palm to Loki’s face. “You are our son, Loki. The furthest thing from a monster. Never speak so of yourself again.” he said gently.
Loki’s face crumbled as he held his father’s arm. “…What of Thor? Does he…know anything?”
“Not of this.” Odin said.
“Will you tell him?” Loki asked as Odin’s hand moved away.
“Would you like us to?”
“...He will hate me.” Loki said quietly.
“You underestimate your brother.” Frigga said softly. “He loves you wholly. He fears to lose you.”
Her words gave him pause and Loki asked. “Has he…said something of it?”
Frigga seemed to consider her reply before she answered. “He does not understand, not fully, but that you age above him frightens him. He wishes to protect you and does not know how. Thor has cherished you from the moment he first held you, of that you can be sure.”
Loki’s expression fell again. “He should still be able to. I am not even three decades old but am already a man. To tell him of this, on top of all else…why tell me now?”
The point, it seemed, was to try to help Loki by way of the Casket of Ancient Winters. Thor was kept busy with his tutors while the Allparents took Loki to the Vault.
Loki eyed the casket warily before he urged himself forward and took the relic in hand. He gasped as the feeling of his body changed and his skin became blue and lined while his eyes turned blood-red. Loki jerked back from the casket as he stared at his hands in horror. He tried to shield himself from his parents but Frigga took his hands in her own. “Mother, don’t!” Loki snatched them away and looked fearfully to his mother’s hands but they weren’t burnt.
“The frostbite touch is a defensive gesture.” Frigga explained gently. “You will not harm me if you do not wish to.”
The blue had already begun to bleed away from Loki’s skin and he flexed his fingers anxiously. “I don’t wish to be a monster.” he whispered.
“Then it is well that you are not.” Frigga said as she took Loki’s hands again. “You are our precious son.”
“How can you say that?” Loki croaked. “When you have just seen…?”
“I have nothing but that my son shifts forms as always. Talented from the first and I love you all the more for it.”
Loki’s shoulders hunched and Odin let the pair speak, Frigga was better at offering comfort than Odin though he agreed with her words.
The end result was that Loki tried again to wield and manipulate the casket but nothing he did made any change overall to himself. The Allparents had hoped the casket might ‘heal’ whatever in Loki caused the aberrant growth or kept him from being able to eat of Idunn’s apples. Loki was left with uncertainty and as to the decision to tell Thor…he felt either that Thor should never know or that he should be told while Loki still lived. He fretted about the decision for a couple of days before he decided that he didn’t wish to die not knowing if his brother would think him a monster. Loki had to know.
Thor was called to speak with the family and seemed apprehensive. Loki sat away from Thor and the latter gave Loki a puzzled look. The story was explained again with a bit more elaboration for the benefit of Thor being a child. He had looked serious at the mention of Jotunheim and frowned. The mention of a babe left abandoned seemed to trouble Thor and the mention of the babe turning Aesir in appearance surprised him. Odin explained that he had taken the child back to Asgard to raise for his own and Thor froze.
Thor looked from his parents to Loki and then back again. “…No.” he said plainly. “Loki cannot be a frost giant.”
Loki flinched and Odin spoke. “He was born of Jotunheim.”
“Frost giants are monsters!” Thor exclaimed. “That is why you fought them, Father! I will-”
“-Thor.” Odin said sharply and Thor cut off with his shoulders hunched. “Asgard battled Jotunheim to protect Midgard.”
“But…”
“Thor.” Frigga interjected. “You have known Loki his whole life. Does he seem a monster to you?”
Thor looked stricken at the question. “No! He is my brother!” He tried to look at Loki but his little brother’s gaze was fixed on a table. “Loki, they are wrong, aren’t they?”
Loki didn’t think he could feel any worse and with a hopeless, quiet little laugh he let his appearance be that of a frost giant as he looked slowly to his brother. He heard Thor gasp and he dug his fingers into his thighs. “Would that they were.” he said softly.
Thor stared in wide-eyed horror as his little brother wore the face of monsters. He looked to his parents as if for aid but Frigga put a hand on Loki’s shoulder while Odin watched Thor. “But…” he trailed off and Loki restored his Aesir appearance.
“Loki is as he has always been.” Frigga said. “Does that make him any less your brother?”
Thor blinked at the question, still overwhelmed by what he had just been told. Loki rose abruptly with a forced expression of calm. “I will leave you all to speak.” He felt close to losing his composure and couldn’t bear to do so.
“Wh-wait!” Thor stumbled to his feet and moved towards Loki only to hesitate. Loki didn’t miss the hesitation and bit the inside of his cheek.
“Worry not, Thor.” Loki said quietly. “You need not force yourself-”
Thor’s arms went tightly around Loki’s waist as he looked up at Loki with his chin on the latter’s mid-section. His own eyes were wet and worried. “I am not!” he protested. “I-I-do not care if you are from Jotunheim. You are ours now. Laufey is…is a fool to not keep you.” A few tears fell down his cheeks but his expression was suddenly fiery as he said vehemently. “You are of Asgard now. My brother.”
“Oh.” Loki exhaled the word as Thor bashed through Loki’s fears of rejection. He tentatively put his hands to Thor’s shoulders before he loosened Thor’s arms to kneel before him and hug him more on Thor’s level instead. Thor’s grip was over-strong as usual but Loki relished the contact and the acceptance it represented. “You have no doubt?” he asked in a near-whisper.
“Mm-mm.” Thor hummed a negative. “I love you, little brother.”
Loki felt a little less hopeless at that as he clutched his brother close. “Never doubt that I love you too, brother.” he murmured.
--
The Jotun heritage angle seemed necessary to explore further as Loki was willing to do much to try to avoid his apparent fate. He made more trips to the casket though it did him no favors. Thor insisted on accompanying him once when Loki let slip his intentions and Loki had been hesitant but agreed. His brother seemed only fascinated by Loki’s ability to handle the casket and Loki’s newfound ability to summon ice to his hand. Thor spoke no more of slaying giants as he might once have though he didn’t express anything positive about them either. Loki was afraid to press on that account even though he was curious.
The decades passed and Thor grew slowly while Loki aged rapidly. Loki had the benefit of magic and Jotun strength despite his failed longevity, so he was able to take on a few quests here and there. The brothers protected each other fiercely whenever the need arose. Thor, if anything, seemed more attached to Loki after the revelation and Loki was a little more open with his brother. The Allparents had explained, finally and truly, what it seemed Loki was headed to. Thor had burst into another rare bout of full-on tears which started the other three to varying degrees of the same. The family held each other and Thor clung to Loki like a limpet for the rest of the day and much of the next few to follow.
Thor was, after all, still a child and so perhaps that accounted for why he was still able to treat Loki much the same. With steadfast determination he still referred to Loki as his ‘little brother’ and dragged him around whenever Loki would allow it. He took Loki to watch the stars at night and on occasion read stories to Loki as he’d done when Loki was properly younger. The pair shared a bed at times and stayed up late into the night speaking and eating treats.
Loki, for his part, was keenly aware of the passing years but determined to make the most of them. Thor’s easy acceptance and continued love endeared him to Loki further. He humored Thor as best he could even if not all of Thor’s childish inclinations were those that Loki would have chosen himself. Loki did his best to impart wisdom to the impulsive, decidedly reckless little oaf. Loki fashioned them a pair of necklaces that each bore half of a stone imbued with protective charms and the rune ‘brother’ halved on each. Thor had been delighted and relished opportunities to click the stones together and see the completed rune.
Loki used illusions as he grew older to keep himself looking a man but the years took their toll. His speed and strength lessened, he tired more easily, and beneath the glamour his hair had begun to lighten. Loki very pointedly didn’t let Thor see him that way but once the little thunderer slipped into Loki’s room unexpectedly. Instead of a hale and hearty man, he found Loki with whitened hair and a brush of wrinkles on his face. Thor had been mortified and bereft. The pair quarreled about it somehow as Thor accused Loki of hiding it from him but in the end Thor stood on Loki’s bed to be of height enough to pull Loki’s head to his chest. He pressed his cheek on the top of Loki’s head and held his brother, whitened hair and all.
“You are still my little brother.” Thor whispered.
Loki loved him all the more for that.
Thor couldn’t always stay inside though and his boundless energy needed an outlet. Loki watched his brother from his room window sometimes as Thor raced around outside. Times like those caused old feelings of envy to stir but he swallowed them down. Thor had been a good brother to him, the best of brothers, really. Loki couldn’t begrudge Thor his happiness or health, he wanted Thor to live long and well. He only wished he could do the same.
The years passed further until Loki struggled to walk on his own power. He had used a cane for a time but then kept often to a chair as he didn’t wish to be seen hobbling around the palace. Then even the use of a cane became difficult. Loki looked well older than his own father with completely whitened hair and wrinkles, a roughened voice, and frailer form.
Thor would spend hours tucked at Loki’s side as he read to his brother or let Loki read to him. The pair spoke of old adventures or this bit of silliness or that. Sometimes the whole family would sit beside the fire and reminisce or play little games. Loki used his magic to tease and amuse Thor which comforted them both. Thor was, for the most part, attentive in Loki’s presence and quick to make sure he had a drink on hand or his blanket snug around him. He braided Loki’s hair as their mother had taught them and Loki would return the favor on Thor’s shorter hair as best he could with trembling, gnarled fingers.
Then came the day some eighty-years into Loki’s life that he took to bed and wouldn’t rise. Loki felt too weak and weary. The Allparents knew his time was drawing to a close and they had to break it to Thor outside of Loki’s presence as they feared Thor’s upset would be hard on Loki. Thor was inconsolable and Frigga spent over an hour trying to calm her eldest. When Thor finally came to Loki’s side, the latter knew Thor had been told and he beckoned Thor to his side. Thor curled up in bed next to Loki with Loki’s arm around him as Thor rested their heads together and murmured loving words and reassurances. The brothers held hands as they slept in each other’s arms that night.
The next few days seemed to worsen Loki’s condition and he could barely stay awake for any meaningful length of time. Loki wrote out a few letters in a shaky script and spoke with his parents. The Gatekeeper, Heimdall, came to visit and Heimdall bade him a safe journey to Valhalla. He laughed weakly at that and asked if Heimdall truly thought it was where Loki would go. The Gatekeeper’s certainty was a strange comfort.
The house of Odin kept by Loki’s side in his final hours. Thor could not be moved from Loki’s bed and insisted on being right next to him. Loki humored his brother and rested his head on Thor’s shoulder with their hands clasped again. Frigga held his other while Odin sat beside her. The family spoke of happier times.
“Thank you.” Loki murmured near the end. “For bringing me home.”
“Our family would not be complete without you.” Odin offered and Loki’s eyes grew faintly wet.
Thor hummed an agreement and tightened his grip on Loki. “You are the best little brother in all the realms.”
Loki croaked out a laugh and bumped his head to Thor’s lightly. “Little oaf.”
“Little brat.” Thor retorted warmly and their parents smiled.
“I will rest my eyes awhile.” Loki finally said and Thor was made to move from his bed though he kept at his side.
Loki’s last breaths came a couple of hours later. Odin noticed it first and looked to Frigga whose expression fell. Thor realized after that and his expression broke.
“No…no…he is only sleeping. Loki? Brother? Wake up.”
“Thor.” Odin started.
“Brother, please.” Thor shook his brother’s shoulder lightly but Loki didn’t move. “Loki.” Tears began to stream down Thor’s face. “Little brother, wake up.” he whispered and when Frigga pulled him into her arms Thor began to weep.
--xx--
The funeral for the second prince was stately and somber. The skies had been cloudy and rainy for every day since Loki’s passing to match the grief of the little god of thunder. Thor wore both parts of the brother necklace as Loki was set alight in a funerary boat. He watched and felt part of his heart go with his brother, a piece of himself lost with the loss of his best friend and only brother. His little brother. Thor watched and stood with the rain falling over him long after the matter was done and there was nothing left to see. His brother had made him promise to be a good king, to look after their parents and himself. Thor intended to keep his vow and to see his brother again someday in Valhalla, he would make sure of that.
--xx--
Elsewhere, near the base of Yggdrasil, the three Norns of fate awaited the arrival of the prince of Jotunheim and Asgard to offer him a deal.