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“ Did I make you action? ”
“It’s anxious hyung,” Matthew corrected Jiwoong for what felt like the hundredth time, a small smile on his face as he watched Jiwoong’s brows furrow in concentration as he looked down at the Love Killa lyrics in front of him. “ Did I make you anxious? ”
Matthew had wanted the killing part for this performance, it’s true. But as the team had allowed him to give being the leader a try, it was only right that the killing part go to the best-suited member for it.
It also helped that he hadn’t ever seen anyone ask for the killing part in quite the way Jiwoong had; the cold, stoic persona that his resting face projected evaporating under the weight of Jiwoong’s (frankly adorable) personality. He had won the part through his charm and ability and Matthew would do his best as the resident native English speaker to make sure Jiwoong pulled through.
Jiwoong took a deep breath and patted his cheeks firmly with his hands, focusing his concentration.
“ Oh, I’m sorry, did I make… ”
Matthew saw Jiwoong begin to waver and he leaned forward encouragingly.
“ Did I make you anxious? ” He repeated again.
“Did I make you anxious?” Jiwoong echoed, the words still accented but more than acceptable for what the performance needed.
Matthew beamed proudly as Jiwoong’s eyes lit up, his handsome face bursting into a bright, cute smile.
“I did it!” Jiwoong happily exclaimed, pumping his fists in excitement.
“Good job hyung,” Matthew laughed, beginning to clean up the mess of paper around them. “I think that’s a good place to end today’s practice.”
Matthew paused in the midst of his organizing as he felt Jiwoong’s hand lightly pat his knee. He glanced over to see Jiwoong smiling at him warmly, eyes soft.
“Thanks for helping Matthew,” he said. “You’re a really good teacher.” There was no doubting the sincerity in his voice.
Matthew felt heat in the tips of his ears but he just laughed lightly and smiled.
“No problem hyung,” he said, getting to his feet, letting Jiwoong’s hand fall from his knee. “Just doing my part to help make this the best performance we can.”
Matthew then walked away with the smallest, strangest of sensations burrowing within his heart.
꘏
The thrill of absolutely nailing the Love Killa performance followed immediately by the nerve-wracking announcement of the number of points awarded to each member was a cocktail of emotions that left Matthew’s head spinning.
As the four of them nervously sat in front of the other contestants, Matthew couldn’t help but fidget with his fingers as they began to get ready to reveal the scores.
He was sure he’d do fine, that they’d all do fine. They had some of the most popular members in their group and everyone had performed their very best.
That didn’t stop Matthew from being nervous. He was the leader this time around so he felt like the results of their performance would reveal how well he had done as the leader.
It had been really hard. Extremely hard. Matthew had tried to lead firmly and quickly in the direction he saw their performance going but doubt plagued him almost every step of the way. If Jiwoong hadn’t come to talk it out with him after their less than optimal evaluations by the Star Masters, Matthew wasn’t sure if he’d have been able to help pull the group together by the time the day of the performances arrived.
But despite all the missteps, they had made it through and did their very best. Now all that was left was to see the Star Creator’s thoughts on how they all did.
As Matthew’s eyes were glued to the screen, he didn’t see but more felt a leather-clad hand sneak between his own hands to lace their fingers together.
He glanced down to see his and Jiwoong’s hand clasped tightly together, the leather of Jiwoong’s gloves cool against his skin.
Jiwoong already held Gyuvin’s hand on his other side, but as Matthew glanced up, Jiwoong was cheekily smiling at him.
“Did I make you anxious?” Jiwoong asked, leaning a bit closer with a mischievous glint in his eyes.
Matthew let out a small laugh, immediately shaking his head.
“No,” he said with a smile, turning back to look at the screen with more determination than he’d had a moment ago, feeling Jiwoong’s hand tightly squeezing his own, letting him know that whatever the results were, they had done their performance without any regrets.
Not too long after, when it was announced that the Love Killa team would get to have one more chance to perform at MCountdown, Jiwoong’s gloved hands would once again find their way over to Matthew, this time to tightly cup his cheeks in glee and excitement, Matthew’s vision filled with Jiwoong’s proud smile of adoration.
If Jiwoong had asked him if even a small part of him was anxious in that moment, Matthew wasn’t sure what he would have said.
꘏
Say My Name, for being such a cute and fresh song, had really taken a toll on Matthew’s confidence.
The shock he’d felt upon learning about Jiwoong and Hanbin’s decision to have Vocal 1 and 2 switched between him and Seungeon had been so sharp and so out of left field that he’d called it betrayal at first.
It had taken a step back and some time alone to begin to try to come to terms with the decision, but even then it had been hard.
They’d eventually worked through it though as a team, and Jiwoong hadn’t let the sun go down before apologizing and consoling Matthew in his room, the memory of his tight hug and low, gentle voice still able to make Matthew’s cheeks warm weeks later.
Beyond the emotional rollercoaster that the switched parts had caused though, there was also the issue of the Star Creator’s perception of him after Mnet had gone and chopped hours and hours of content into 10-20 minutes.
As the boys gathered for the third and final eliminations, Matthew couldn’t stop the sinking feeling in his stomach when he thought about his rank.
Jiwoong’s presence beside him as they sat and waited for the guest Star Master to arrive helped a little, but Matthew could feel his mind beginning to play out the worst possible scenarios imaginable as he stared blankly in front of him.
What if he dropped out of the top 9? What if he was straight up eliminated? Matthew thought he was going to be sick.
And then, he felt a warm hand reach over to take his own in order to thread their fingers together, a familiar and grounding sensation by this point.
Matthew squeezed his and Jiwoong’s hands together as he glanced over at the other boy, only to see Jiwoong already looking at him with a deceptively blank face as his eyes betrayed an amused glimmer.
“Did I make you anxious?”
Matthew’s eyebrows raised in surprise, an uncontrollable smile at the callback spreading across his face as he laughed, a small “No” escaping his lips without even thinking about it. Jiwoong smiled sheepishly as he squeezed Matthew’s hand tighter, seemingly unfazed by Matthew’s reaction.
Matthew knew that Jiwoong had joked with him to calm him down. By now, the older one would be able to tell when Matthew got nervous and the fact that his first thought was to comfort him by telling a silly joke? Well, that was just the kind of man he was.
And just like magic, before he knew it, the anxiety he’d just been feeling had eased, replaced with a sudden calmness, and at once, a surge of affection.
He held Jiwoong’s hand firmly. Somehow, somewhere along the way, Jiwoong had come to mean so much more to him than just an older friend and fellow trainee.
And no matter what the outcome of this elimination was, he was going to tell Jiwoong exactly what he felt right after it.
꘏
Between the roar of the crowd surrounding them on all sides, Minhyun-sunbaenim’s voice echoing throughout the stadium, and the beating of Matthew’s own heart reverberating in his ears, Matthew couldn’t be sure of anything he heard anymore.
But somehow, he was sure about this.
There, at the top of the long stairs he’d been dreaming of climbing since Boys Planet had begun, were the five other boys that had already been called waiting for him. The first one to reach out his arms was his Jiwoong hyung.
Matthew couldn’t begin to pinpoint when he’d become his Jiwoong. All he knew when he looked up at his handsome, striking face beaming down at him with open arms, was that he was so unbearably happy and grateful that he’d get to keep Jiwoong’s face in his life.
As Jiwoong wrapped him up in his arms, Matthew burying his face in his shoulder, a hot shiver ran down Matthew’s spine as he suddenly felt Jiwoong turn his head, his lips brushing his left ear.
Through all the noise around them, Jiwoong’s voice, tinged with laughter and joy, found its way to him.
“Did I make you anxious?”
Matthew felt a surge of all-consuming affection. He was just so silly. This little joke that had sprung from the beginning of their relationship was suddenly bringing tears as well as laughter in this one heartbeat of a moment.
Matthew’s heart swelled as he pulled back with a laugh, his ears burning as he looked up at Jiwoong, his heart pounding as he saw the tears he felt in his own eyes mirrored within the eyes of the man in front of him.
And for once, Matthew couldn’t respond through the elation and the laughter at having been named as part of the debut group. Having been named as part of the debut group with Jiwoong.
Instead, he pulled Jiwoong back in for another quick hug, body still shaking with laughter, his fingers gripping onto Jiwoong’s jacket as Jiwoong patted him.
It was a promise that lingered between them as Matthew pulled away to receive congratulations from his other team members.
And if Jiwoong whispered the same words against Matthew’s lips in a secluded corner long after the ceremony was over and tears had been spent?
Matthew’s response would be for Jiwoong’s ears alone.