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The tears that fell down his face kept the trail from drying, collecting in a wet spot that continued to grow as his mind continued to whirl like the leaves in a wind storm. He sniffled interrupting the song beating through his dollar store headphones. He knew that soon the sun would get so high in the sky that Tory would start to worry but for now he needed to be sad, he needed to remind his heart why that boy was so dangerous.
Not so long ago he was on constant watch, in constant contact because of a meltdown he’d had; and in that moment he’d promised himself not to let it happen again, but just because he wasn’t self destructing didn’t mean that he didn’t deserve to cry from the frustration and pain, it didn’t mean that when he heard a song that reminded him of that tan boy he didn’t turn it up and soak in the memories of him. But he has to remember that he had to keep moving, he had to remember it all.
The sigh broke through the Taylor Swift song that had just started on his sad boy playlist. He tried to refocus on the feelings, a fine line between euphoria and heart broken pain. He let his eyes flick to the doorway.
“Really?” She was leaning on the door frame door open wide. Her face was annoyed but understanding, and he cracked a pathetic little smile as he wiped the tear that had just formed. She shook her head again before pushing herself off and making the short distance between them. She plucked a headphone from his ear and brought Robby back to reality, back from that fantasy that he so desperately wants to disappear back into. She placed it into her ear and her face scrunched and soured.
“It’s too early for this sad shit!” She huffed as she tossed the earbud back to him. He let out a pained laugh, his heart long exposed to her. He pushed himself up the song quickly becoming too dramatic as he reoriented himself in reality. His room a wreck from the small depression spiral he always seemed to get around this time. He sighed and threw his sheets off as she wondered around his room admiring his collection of memories.
“Come on, I need coffee and you need to get out of here.” She said simply as he got up kicking a pile of clothes into a different pile. Quickly changing his shirt and slipping on a pair of sweatpants. She considered his piles of beanies and tossed him a dark blue one.
He bought that one for me
He slipped it on the comfort from that thought fueling the stupid delusion that would get him to the next point. They walked down the street the playlist now some new lesbian artist Tory had become obsessed with. Robby half listened as he escaped back to the warmth of his mind.
They entered the coffee shop and Tory and the barista flirted as they ordered. Once they got their drinks they continued walking down the crowded streets of the college town. He was half listening to the story she was telling him as he tried to take in the moment.
The slightly chill breeze, the fragrant blooms of flowers, the food drifting and mixing in the oddest way. All of it making his heart heal, the bits of nature that gave his heart hope to continue. He smiled softly as Tory gave up realizing his main character syndrome had kicked in.
Then almost as if it were a movie he caught the sight of a woman with big bouncy hair and heard that unmistakable laugh, and the world froze. It’s weird how moments like that happen because one moment your healing, your heart is putting itself together and you feel safe in the moment then just like that; as though divine intervention and your back, flooding with everything that they bring back.
It was as though he had tunnel vision as she came out of the little boutique, her face just as beautiful, her hair just as big, her aura larger than life itself. Carmen Diaz, the mother of the one and only Miguel Diaz.
He stopped in the middle of the road Tory walking forward a bit before realizing and the people behind him cursing under their breath as they passed around him. It was like a trauma response as his body panicked unable to move, unable to function.
“Robby what’s up?” She asked worry, lacing her words like a lifeline. He unfroze slightly, just enough to clutch her arm and snap his head so they were facing each other. He needed her to understand, needed her to help him, and she did; just not enough for it to be avoided.
“Robby?!” The voice rang out above all others around them and it was as though Tory knew instantly in that moment too. Robby snapped out of it snapping out of his frozen state to pretend to be normal. Bargaining with himself to not freak out.
Of course it wasn’t just her as out the door of that same shop came his father, a stroller in front and a baby strapped to his chest, the usually happily babbling infant was whining as Johnny uselessly attempted to get it to stop. Robby felt his lips turn up in a forced smile pain consealed as best he could.
“Hey Mrs. Diaz” he greeted as she approached quickly swooping him up in a big hug. Robby did his best to go shiver or cry as he patted her on the back.
“Oh Robby you don’t have to call me that, just Carmen is fine!” She said so sweetly. It was sickening how much Miguel was like his mother. That thought brought too many memories to his mind and he tried not to let it show.
“Carmen!” Johnny called as he walked towards then not noticing his son yet, and possibly giving Robby the chance to escape but then the worst thing happened. Out of the store came Sam but she wasn’t alone, because that hand that was pulling her back wasn’t just some boyfriend.
Robby felt his mouth go dry as the world creeped to reveal the man of the hour. He wanted to reach, to grab Tory and run as fast as he could, but it was too late. Because not only did Johnny see his first born but Miguel’s eyes instantly found Robby’s.
The put together look of Miguel with his picture perfect relationship contrasted to much with Robby’s depression chic, that he felt the shame in his soul. He couldn’t read the tan boys expression but he knew his was as bare as they got.
I never got over you, I still love you and think about you everyday and night and the memories kill me
He felt the tears now, the overwhelming feelings becoming too much in that moment specially, but then Tory’s death grip found his arm, the pain bringing reality back in.
So the world came back to speed as he watched Miguel and Sam turn to go further away from him, and though the pain of that stabbed his heart he had more pressing issues than that, namely his father and new half sister.
“Robby are you alright?” Johnny asked as he looked at his son and Robby’s face snapped back into place and he shook his head.
“Sorry it’s just been so long since I’ve seen her that I guess something flew in my eye.” He joked making Carmen smile so wide. She took the baby from Johnny and cradled her in her arms. Then she looked over her shoulder for Miguel and in that moment Tory tugged him back. Robby followed as Carmen said something and he zoned out completely blindly agreeing to whatever it took to get out of the interaction.
All he wanted to do was go home and wrap himself in a blanket and get lost before his heart got out of control again.