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How did this happen to me? Evan couldn’t help but think as he lay in his bed. Lord Voldemort is sending him on a mission to the Ministry of Magic to get the ingredients necessary for multiple dark potions. He had said that He didn’t want any trace that he was alive since he will get caught. There was no way not to. So here Evan sat on a bed in the room that used to hold his childhood obsessions to the teen weirdness up to adulthood at the Rosier Manor, now the walls that used to be full of life are plain and dull. As if no one had ever lived in the room. As if his most treasured and beloved memories and the ones he wished on every deity he could forget never happened. As if none of the histories of his life ever existed.
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Evan had always known Barty and talked to him on a few occasions. Hell, they have been living in the same dorm for 7 years now. But one could never consider them friends. In fact, Barty didn’t have many friends. Only the youngest Black brother could be considered one. They were attached at the hip and no one could argue that they hated each other or anything of the such. That was all until one Slytherin party that both of their lives changed. The memories themselves were blurry at best the one thing that neither party could deny or forget for that matter was how many times they ended up snogging each other senseless. Evan had been for lack of a better word absolutely utterly embarrassed at his drunk self.
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Fever dream high in the quiet of the night
You know that I caught it
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The worst of it was waking up lying ON TOP of him on the couch in the now-trashed Slytherin common room. Now, don’t get Evan wrong he has done this with a lot of different people and never had a problem with it. But this, was Barty Crouch, golden boy Barty Crouch, Barty Crouch the known boy that would string people along and make them fall in love with him and leave him in the dirt Barty Crouch. His past lovers (if you call them that) have spread the word enough but being involved with him in any way is scary when thinking about the heartbreak each they had gone through was no secret. Even to Barty who seemed to not care at all about it.
While this was going through Evan’s head along with even more panic and thoughts he had been slowly getting up but in the process waking up Barty who was already smirking in his direction. Evan froze despite himself at the look and was cursing at himself to just move before Barty could say anything else.
“Hello there Rose, looks like you finally got up,” Barty says and his stupid smirk got bigger somehow his eyes lighting up with mischief. Evan, despite not reacting to what was just said finished getting off Barty and all but ran to his dorm. Yes, he knew that would stop Barty from simply following him since it was his dorm too but he could lock himself in the bathroom or close the curtains with magic so no one but he could open them. Or just to change into some more comfortable clothes while he brews a potion to take away the hangover that was already coming on. Thankfully some force out there was looking out for him and was able to grab some new clothes and locked himself in the bathroom. Evan could hear Barty come in and call his name then sit down somewhere. At least I got myself some spare time. He can’t question me going to get myself to look better.
Evan changed, brushed his teeth, and just generally did everything to make himself feel more human and less dead. After doing all these things Evan felt as though he had done enough self-care that he can face Barty and tell him that it was some weird thing and that it won’t be happening ever again. Though of course little did Evan know the opposite would be happening to him. When Evan opened the door just as he suspected there Barty sat on his bed with a book open half hazardously seeming to not notice that Evan had just left the bathroom finally. Evan’s heart jumped in his chest with the hope that Barty didn’t care and was going to leave him alone after this. Though Evan should know by now the past “lovers” of Barty told him that he wouldn’t let up even if you think he did.
“Evan, it's good to finally see you again. Now let's talk about what happened last night.” Barty said getting up and walking over to Evan. No, please don’t say what I think you are going to say. Because if you do I don’t think I can take it. If I have to admit it right now then, maybe I have liked you for a long time. Maybe I won’t be able to say no to you. Maybe. . .maybe you want this too? No! Think of all the times he has done this with other people. But Evan couldn’t think him out of this. His more daring side was telling him this was it to take the chance and think about it more.
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Bad, bad boy
Shiny toy with a price
You know that I bought it
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That is how this whole disaster started for Evan and Barty. The sneaking around in empty corridors or the random classroom. Going to classes while holding hands in secret. That was the caveat in whatever one calls this was that they will not fall in love. This was just for fun, nothing more nothing less. Evan wanted to make that clear so he wouldn’t be one of the many broken hearts left by the one and only Barty Crouch. Barty had agreed to it immediately. Though that is probably the norm for him. This went on for the rest of their 7th year. For Evan, the memories of them laughing while running from the Quidditch Pitch after Slytherin won the match to have a good kiss where no one else could see. Not to mention when Barty was in the air the looks that he would send Evan were etched into Evan’s brain before he fell asleep.
Then it was the last day of the year. At beginning of this arrangement they had both agreed that this would only go on during the school year Evam couldn’t wouldn’t well more like shouldn’t admit what he was feeling towards Barty. It wasn’t love it was more like the want to not have this end between. He never dared express these things to Barty who never seemed to mind or care for the fact that graduation for both of them was looming over like a dark shadow neither would indulge in talking about. As Evan was packing up his things Barty came over to him.
“What if we, keep doing this during the summer?” He asks after he kisses me. This is the first rule that is breaking. The one about love is already half gone. But he couldn’t say no. Maybe he was closer to breaking the first rule than he thought.
Maybe Evan wasn’t that sure that Barty would come through but one owl later and he was anxiously waiting for him by his window.
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Killing me slow, out the window
I'm always waiting for you to be waiting below
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Once he was in the first thing he did was kiss Evan. He kissed Evan and Evan could not help let his mind imagine that this wasn’t some fling. That he came here because he loved him. That they were both in love with each other and he wouldn’t have to come to the reality that he was just Barty’s newest plaything. That he would be replaced as soon as he got bored with Evan. So at that moment, when Barty pushed Evan to the bed, Evan let himself imagine it.
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Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes
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By the time Barty decides to leave, both with hickeys that the other had left was when Evan couldn’t imagine as easy. He just leaves. No word nothing just gets up and leaves. When Evan realizes that this is hurting him he curses himself. All those months ago he should have said no. He should have ignored it. But he took the one risk that was the dumbest of all. That night when there were tears rolling down his face with the desire to have Barty kiss him gently and say that he can’t wait to see him again, Evan felt his heartbreak. But that did not cure the want. In a way, Evan just wanted it more.
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What doesn't kill me makes me want you more
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The next time they meet up Evan got to believe it more. The way Barty practically jumped to kiss him then softy the next time. They stood there for a moment after they broke away just holding each other in an embrace. Maybe he feels the same. Evan hopefully had thought but the other part of him was telling him something else. Or you know he could just miss the messing around since it is harder to meet up now.
This time it was nice. It felt more loving than anything else. Though Evan couldn’t help but dread the fact that this was nothing. That this is just nothing to Barty. But in the end, Evan could not help but fall into pretending this was something more. It felt new, not like times it was just pleasure but more getting to know each other. Learning and memorizing the tracing all of it was something new. Something that would haunt Evan for the rest of his life.
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And it's new, the shape of your body
It's blue, the feeling I've got
And it's ooh, whoa, oh
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As lovely as it was everything went back to the normalcy that Evan hated. Back to where he couldn’t entertain the idea of them being something more. Just as the last he came and loved Evan then left as if nothing had happened or nothing ever would let alone could happen between the two. At least back in Hogwarts Barty at least pretended to entertain the idea of something happening. Or Evan was just blind to it all? Now though the summer before they went into adulthood fully everything is different.
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It's a cruel summer
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Part of Evan thought that maybe he was addicted to being in this state of feeling like you could build an entire life with this person while they can’t (or won’t) love you back. Like he was addicted to the pain of being in love with someone that isn’t in love with him. He just keeps coming back for what Barty will give him and hurting himself in the process, just to have the high feeling at the moment. Was it worth it? Maybe it was. . . Evan got pulled away from his thoughts since Barty pulled away from kissing his neck to back on the lips. This is fine. If it means I can keep him in my life.
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It's cool, that's what I tell 'em
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In about a month Evan was able to come to terms with how his life was taking. He can keep Barty in his life as a friend once he is sick of him. Now here he sat waiting for him as he comes through the window and is in front of him again.
“Hey,” Barty says husky since he had to fly all the way here then leave his broomstick somewhere where Muggles won’t find it and climb the side of the wall to the Rosier house. His heaving breaths from the strength it took were evident. Evan let his gaze go down Barty’s athletic body from the days of strength training to hang on the broomstick which showed in their arms. Along with the fact that Barty was a beater so it was more so than the average people that play. Then there were his hands, oh, Merlin his hands. Those hands were so strong from using force to get rid of the bludgers. You could see the muscles, or was it the bones or even veins Evan was not sure all he knew was that he adores them.
“Hi,” Evan says back fighting the blush that was trying to make its way onto his face. Barty seeming to not notice (or not care Evan’s brain tells him) just went up to kiss him as they always do. Everything that they do is as usual. The same tenderness and loving way that Evan had grown to expect. Every time felt as though he was the most charsited thing in the world. That they like this was the most beautiful thing to grace the skies. That even the best of poets could never attempt to describe. It was loving, hot, beautiful, and everything that Evan wanted it to be. But by the time Barty would usually not even wish him a goodbye he stayed. Going to the side of the bed that was empty and lay there looking into Evan's eyes in a way he never had before. But then again it was probably the way Evan was pretending it to be.
“I miss when we were just in the same room,” Barty says looking at Evan with a now dazed look in his eyes.
“I do too, we never got to know each other,” Evan says looking at Barty not even realizing what he had said until Barty responded.
“No, we didn’t. Why don’t we do so now then?” Barty says with his finger drawing patterns on Evan's arm that made sense to him and him alone.
“I think that is a good idea,” Evan said, and it was as if a floodgate that was holding back so much was broken. They talked until the sun rose about their respective lives and funny stories about how Barty’s father never felt proud enough of him and how Evan felt as though he had to be the picture-perfect pure-blood son. When Barty left he said goodbye. Probably since it would be weirder to leave from a deep traumatic convocation than to just leave after sex. That was when Evan swore that he would always be friends or at least have Barty in his life. That was rule number 3. But just like the others it would be broken.
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No rules in breakable heaven
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I could get used to this. Evan thought to himself as he and Barty had some tea and talked to each is other. Though that might not be the right thing to call Barty rambling about the extensive history of Quidditch and all the context behind it as Evan nodded along and took in as much information as possible with all this rambling and going everywhere on the timeline in a non ordered fashion. In a way, Evan couldn’t help but think that he was just making this worse for himself but the other was just happy to have him. So maybe this cruelty was the best he could get.
And maybe that is all he is going to need.
Maybe this secret is going to be fine.
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But ooh, whoa, oh
It's a cruel summer
With you
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When Evan came back to his room from the party that was going on since he had turned 18. He wanted to go to bed and forget the pain he was in for the friendship that he was in when all he wanted was some illusion to believe that Barty was actually in love with him too. But at the party, he heard about some girl that he was now seeing, and every lie that he had believed had crumbled before him. On top of that, he had to be ready to get the dark mark soon since he was 18. That was as old as his parents had let him get and not dedicate himself to the Dark Lord. Tears are running down his face but there was Barty standing in front of the window.
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I'm drunk in the back of the car
And I cried like a baby coming home from the bar (oh)
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He looked at him with concern in his eyes and Evan couldn’t help but want to hit him.
“Hey, what's going on mister 18?” Barty asks approaching him like a startled animal and Evan took a step back his back to the door.
“I’m fine, just go away please,” Evan says whipping the tears away from his face. The last thing he need was to see Barty and his stupid face.
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Said, "I'm fine, " but it wasn't true
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“Come on Evan I know that is a lie. Just talk to me, please. We are friends right?” Barty asks trying to reason with Evan but Evan could not think of talking to Barty right now.
“That is the problem!” Evan shouts out despite himself.
“Well then let's fix the problem!”
“No, I can’t keep doing this!”
“Evan just talks to me-”
“Leave.”
“Evan-”
“LEAVE! I can’t keep this relationship like this!”
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I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you
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At that Barty did leave and Evan broke down. The next day Barty came again for what reason Evan was not sure but he could hear him coming back. This is how he got to this place. The garden gate squeaked open. Just from this. He could hear him climb up.
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And I snuck in through the garden gate
Every night that summer just to seal my fate (oh)
And I screamed for whatever it's worth
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This stupidity made him into some lovesick fool that would never get his cure. I love you he thought to himself and couldn’t help the laugh that came out of him at his own stupidity at his situation. So much for being smart he thought. But then again Barty was always better at being smart than me.
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"I love you, " ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?
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Then there was Barty smiling at him with his stupid fluffy brown hair and sparkling eyes. Evans pain. Evans punishment. Evans Achilles Heel.
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He looks up grinning like a devil
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Time
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It's new, the shape of your body
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Goes
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It's blue, the feeling I've got
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By
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And it's ooh, whoa, oh
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Until
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It's a cruel summer
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I
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It's cool, that's what I tell 'em
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Get
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No rules, in breakable heaven
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To
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But ooh, whoa, oh
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This
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It's a cruel summer
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Place.
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With you
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You told him
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I'm drunk in the back of the car
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That I was good enough
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And I cried like a baby coming home from the bar (h)
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For this mission
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Said, "I'm fine, " but it wasn't true
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What gave you this idea? Maybe,
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I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you
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You wanted me dead. You did this to me. So,
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And I snuck in through the garden gate
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Barty
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Every night that summer just to seal my fate (oh)
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Crouch Junior
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And I screamed for whatever it's worth
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You killed me. And I loved you. I guess you hated me. So I am dead but still,
"I love you, " ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?