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“It just feels like there's nobody I can talk to who could even begin to understand.”
“Eddie would.”
“Huh?”
“I know he still feels guilty for going on his last tour. And I know he probably needs someone to talk to about it as well.”
I didn’t even think about him. She thought as Buck continued. “He was saying something about seeing if you wanted to come over for coffee. He knows you only just got back and says there's no pressure, but that he might understand some of what you’re going through.”
“Maybe, we’ll see.”
“You have his number but seriously text and he will answer.”
“Are you sure it's not just for you that he answers?” Maddie teased.
“What? No, he answers everybody’s texts?” Buck says, confusion evident in his voice.
Maddie shakes her head, oh you sweet summer child.
----••----•----
She doesn’t text Eddie until several days later, she’s just dropped Jee off at Chim’s and the guilt of her leaving was hitting her extra hard on the drive home. She pulls over and texts him.
Maddie: Hey Eddie, Buck said I could text you if I wanted to talk, said you would understand. From what he’s said I’m sure he’s probably right. Could we maybe meet for coffee at some point?
Eddie: Absolutely we can. Whenever you want I’m here.
Maddie: Is now OK?
Eddie: Yeah yeah of course, you have my address right?
Maddie: I do, I’ll be there in 10.
----••----•----
Maddie knocks on the door suddenly feeling worse, what if Eddie was just going to tell her her thoughts were right and she's a terrible mom? What if he didn’t actually understand and just wanted a way to get to her.
But instead he opens the door and welcomes her in, he offers her coffee which she accepts, wanting to hold something warm, she misses holding Jee.
----••----•----
They were sitting at Eddie’s kitchen island, both nursing fresh cups of coffee. Eddie’s black and Maddie’s with a splash of creamer and a spoonful of sugar.
She can hear the almost silent but now seemingly deafening whir of the fridge. It seems so loud in the quiet space of Eddie’s kitchen.
He reaches his hand out to cover hers.
“You’re not a bad mom, Maddie.”
Maddie’s face crumples, her facade fading. “I left her Eddie. I don’t think I can ever stop hating myself for that. For letting myself miss all those milestones and firsts.”
“She’s so big now and I missed so much! Her first crawl, her first steps, her first word! I know Chimney videoed as much as he could and I can’t thank him enough for that, but it wasn’t the same seeing my baby girl grow up behind a screen.”
“Hey hey,” he squeezed her hand gently. “I get it, I do, seeing Chris only through choppy video connection was so hard I didn’t know how I’d get through it. Then when I came back it was like I had to get to know two people for the first time again. Myself and my son. I helped create him and at four years old I barely knew him.”
“I just, I know what she liked when she was younger but now I don’t know if she still likes those things and I’m learning about all the new things she likes. I feel so guilty for leaving, and it feels like I won’t be able to look at them without thinking about how I ruined their lives and how much they must blame me.”
“Maddie you were doing what you needed at the time to survive. Chimney doesn’t hate you for it and neither does Jee. You were struggling and sick, they don’t blame you.”
“Yeah but I blame myself and that's enough.” She wiped her face, trying to stave away her inevitable tears.
“It does feel like it doesn’t it.”
Eddie leans back on his stool wiping his face, needing to wipe the tension of their conversation off his face.
“I’m not going to lie Mads I still feel guilty for going back on tour and essentially abandoning my wife and kid and that was years ago.”
“Yeah but you were in the army, it's not the same.”
“It might not be but I was still running. Just like you. I still left my kid, left Shannon. They just had a better idea of where I was.”
“I just- I just feel like I’ve failed her, and Chimney as well. How can he even trust me to be around her, I almost let her drown!”
“Yeah but Maddie you didn’t. You took her to the hospital and got her checked out to make sure that she was ok.”
“I used to wonder how Shannon let me anywhere near Chris when I got back, I wasn’t ready to be a civilian again let alone a father. So I think you’re already in a much better place than I was. You’ve done everything you can to help yourself. Now you just need to, reintegrate.”
“Yeah I know, I am just stuck learning about all the things I’ve missed out on. Chimney can move on, Jee can move on but I can’t because I’m still here trying to catch up. And I know that's my fault, I’m the one who ran away leaving them, both of them behind.”
“That part sucks I know, I remember trying to figure out what Chris liked and then Shannon left and I was all by myself trying to take care of a kid, my kid.” Eddie continues, tone steady.
“You can’t change the past but you can work on how it impacts your future and theirs. Are you going to continue to be stuck in past mistakes and miss out on what's happening now? Or are you going to accept that you can't change what you did but you can move forward and be there for Jee, for Chimney? They both love you more than you know. They both missed you and are both so happy to have you back.”
“Thank you Eddie. I still feel immensely guilty and I don’t think that I’ll ever stop feeling like that but talking really has helped. I don’t know why I’m shocked by that, I’ve talked so much in the past several months, just not to people that I felt understood.”
“I do understand and I’m here if you ever need to talk. I’m really glad you're back.”
“I’m glad to be back, it’s nice getting back in the swing of things, even if it’s not quite the same as before.”
Maddie took a sip of her now lukewarm coffee and stood up. Eddie quietly followed her to the door.
“Thank you for coming Maddie, text me anytime you need to talk.”
“I will. Thank you, see you later.”
She waved to him as she reversed her car out of his driveway.