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Gaon has no current memories of going back to his old apartment. He remembers filling two bags with his clothes, he remembers packing his most dearest potted plants and he remembers Yohan, waiting downstairs in his SUV, looking as out of place as ever. Gaon remembers leaving and never looking back.
But as he stands in the middle of his old bedroom, the bed unmade, dishes in the sink, a strange emotion grows in the pit of his stomach. The place is well lived-in, with two pairs of shoes by the entrance he doesn't quite recognize, but somehow, does. He knows who those shoes belong to, but no familiar faces come to mind.
He takes a step forward and laughter suddenly fills the room, echoing in the distance, but ringing in his ears like a thousand bells. Gaon tilts his head, curious and turns around when the bathroom door opens. His mother walks out, wrapped in nothing but a towel, she looks young, her dark brown hair wet against her bare back.
Gaon looks away, embarrassed, cheeks flushing. A second later his father comes out too, wearing jeans and a haircut Gaon hasn't seen anyone wearing since he was a teenager. They bicker playfully, a soft push and pull that has Gaon smiling.
He doesn't remember ever seeing his parents this happy, this carefree. His father spins his mother around, then hugs her from behind and she laughs, so beautifully Gaon's heart skips a beat.
"Oh." His mother perks up, her eyes on him. "You're home." Her smile is bright, wide, all teeth and gums.
"Mom." Gaon speaks, but no sound comes out.
It's strange, he can feel his mouth moving, his vocal cords trembling with the sound, but his mother doesn't seem to hear him.
"We missed you." She says. She takes a step towards him, then another, slow and measured. "We missed you." She repeats and with every step she takes, the light in her eyes dim, her hair loses its shine, turns into gray tufts of decay. Her skin wrinkles, her lips chap. "This is all your fault." She says, tenderly, her cold hand cradling Gaon's cheeks.
And as she says it, everything behind her burns. Gaon gasps for air, the hand touching his skin now searing hot. Gaon watches as his father burns with everything else.
"All your fault." Her voice fades away and as the flames consume her, Gaon closes his eyes, pressing them tightly together.
He's outside, somewhere different, when he opens them again. The night is cold and a soft breeze dampens his face, his hair.
The setting is familiar, a feeling of dread twisting in his stomach. This is it, this is the night, Gaon knows as he looks down at himself and recognizes the black robe he wore that day. He's alone though, no Yohan, no Jinjoo, no PD-nim.
Gaon hears the click of the gun.
"This is all your fault."
Soohyun's voice whispers in his ear. She appears before him, hair wet and tears running down her cheeks.
"All your fault."
The gunshot booms around him, so loud it makes his head hurt. Soohyun bleeds, her white shirt staining of red, her eyes losing their light.
Gaon runs, reaches out to catch her. His knees hit the ground and he's suddenly in the mansion, sitting on the floor, leaning against the desk in Yohan's studio.
The rain hits the large window with all its might, thunder claps outside, lightning illuminates the room and it's only then that he sees it, the scene that has played in his memories for months, a guilt he hasn't been able to overcome.
"This is all your fault." Yohan says, looking at him with tears in his eyes, face pressed against the wooden floor as a faceless figure pins him down.
"Yohan!" Elijah shouts in the distance. "No! What are you doing?! Yohan!"
Gaon feels breathless. He claws at his shirt, gasping for air.
"This is all your fault." Elijah grits out, eyes red with anger and sadness. "Yohan is dead because of you."
But Yohan is right there, breathing, alive. And yet… and yet.
"This is all your fault."
Gaon's eyes open wide, he inhales deeply and holds it in for a moment. The room is dark, but familiar, no longer cold and humid.
He turns his head to the side and finds Yohan next to him, sleeping, his chest rising and falling with every breath he takes. He looks peaceful, mouth slightly parted open.
Gaon has to remind himself to breathe. He's no longer inside his dream, but in their bedroom, at home, in Switzerland, with Yohan and Elijah. The people he loves. The people who love him back. His family.
The covers feel suddenly heavy. He carefully removes Yohan's hands from where it rests on his forearm and slowly abandons the bed, mindful of how much of a light sleeper Yohan is.
Yohan is awakened by the soft click of a door. He thinks he's dreaming, maybe another nightmare and the fear of opening his eyes invades him; scared of finding his brother's burnt figure pointing out his guilt in the middle of flames and smoke.
Yohan swallows the strange feeling in his chest and reaches out and instead of the solid warmth he's gotten so used to, he touches nothing but cold sheets.
"Gaon?" Yohan mumbles, straining his ear for noises around the room; the bathroom, maybe, but there's nothing. The silence is a little too deafening.
Yohan wraps himself in a robe, shivering as his feet touch the floor. He makes his way downstairs, checking on Elijah firstㅡ his heart calms a little, seeing her safe and sleeping soundly on her bed.
The kitchen lights are on and the kettle is on the stove. A pantry cabinet is half open and three mugs sit on the counter top, empty and cold. It's a weird sensation, something he's not sure he's ever felt beforeㅡ not in this house, at least.
This house that was supposed to be a safe haven, a fresh start for the three of them, a home. Yohan is not naïve to think a simple structure made of brick would be enough to make the ghosts from their past disappear, but he had hoped it could be a start.
The cold breeze guides him to the open french doors in the living room. Yohan spots a figure sitting on one of the lounge chairs, facing the small greenhouse on the farthest part of the yard, a steaming cup of tea on the small table next to him.
Gaon doesn't flinch when Yohan steps outside and takes the other chair. He doesn't turn to look at him either, but the tiniest smile plays on his lips; it doesn't reach his eyes, but it is there and Yohan feels like he can breathe again.
"I filled out a mug for Soohyun." Gaon speaks, softly. "Then one for my mom and one for my dad. I felt stupid."
"It's not stupid." Yohan says back, slowly shaking his head. "Bad dreams?"
"Yeah. Sorry, I woke you." Gaon sighs. "I should talk it out with Dr. Schneider."
"If you're ready." Yohan reaches out for his hand. Gaon's smile brightens a little as Yohan brings his hand up and kisses his knuckles.
They fall into silence. In the distance, they can hear the distinctive noises of the forest expanding beyond their backyard; the rustle of leaves, the whistling of the chilly wind. Gaon closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, tightening his hold around Yohan's hand.
"Was Iㅡ" Gaon begins a moment later, "did you ever consider me a weakness?" He asks, softly, barely hearable.
Yohan blinks, eyes fixed on the grass below his feet. He doesn't respond right away, letting out a small sigh while gathering his thoughts.
"At first, yes." Yohan admits a moment later. Gaon smiles, if only a little. "I used to gravitate around you and I remember thinking it was only because you looked so much like Isaac, that it was my need to keep his memory intact. Then you stuck around, showed me who you were and Iㅡ you were never anything like my brother, physically maybe, but it didn't take me long to realize, it was you, Gaon-ah. Not Isaac, not Sunah's intentions. Just you. So yes, I promised I was never going to lie to you again, you wereㅡ are my weakness and my strength all together."
When Yohan looks up, Gaon is still facing front, but he can clearly see it, tear tracks glistening under the dim yellowy light above their heads.
"Gaon-ahㅡ"
Gaon chuckles, shaking his head as the smile returns. "I'm fine, it's justㅡ sometimes I still feel… trapped, in the past and it's hard to come to terms with the fact that I'm here, with you. That you're not dead and that Elijah doesn't hate me."
"Yeah…" Yohan mumbles, his voice trails off. He knows the feeling, wonders every night if this is real, if the life he's currently living is the one he truly deserves, "I know. It will take time, but we'll get through it. Like always."
"Like always." Gaon repeats softly, squeezing Yohan's hand. He turns to look at him and this time, his smile does reach his eyes.
"Let's go inside. You'll get sick." Yohan stands and tugs on his arm.
Gaon nods, getting up as well and taking the forgotten mug in his free hand. The tea has long grown cold, no longer steaming. He stares at the golden liquid, for a second, he thinks he sees the faces of the people they had to bury in order to be where they are now: his parents, Soohyun, K…
Gaon swallows and looks away, then at Yohan, who patiently waits for him to follow. He blinks away the tears that pool in his eyes.
It might not feel like they truly belong right now. Like full happiness is still too far away from their reach. But it's only been a year and Gaon hopes. He yearns for the day he'll wake up, curled next to Yohan, unhaunted by their ghosts. With his heart beating to a normal pace again.
He hopes that soon. Maybe. Someday.