Chapter Text
Sometimes, Miss Pauling felt like she was more suited as a daycare worker than her litany of job titles, many which included things like "head torture consultant at Mann co."
(Usually it was put in little metaphors or weasel words on her resume. Things like T. Consultant. If anyone asked, the t was for Tea. No sirree, no torture briefcase full of torture implements, and the occasional fuzzy handcuffs here.)
Both Medic and Engineer had gathered for this little experiment in Medic's messy infirmary. Medic's gaze was rapt as her stared into the flickering and glowing ball of energy that made up whatever trouble they were into this time.
"More!"
Medic and Engineer's particular form of mad scientist was a match made in hell. Literally.
"Medic, this probably isn't a good idea," Miss Pauling said in her best Stern Teacher Voice that did fuck all in corraling most of the men.
(Except for Scout. But she was pretty sure it just turned him on.)
"It's all good, Miss Pauling. We got this under control," Engineer drawled.
Medic laughed. "More!"
The door behind them swung open and Scout swaggered in.
"Hey, I stubbed my toe, and it hurts like a bitch, you got some ice or somethin'-- Oh hey, Miss Pauling, what are you doin' here?"
Scout tried to lean in a way he must've thought was 'cool' but just looked like he had to go to the bathroom real bad. His red shirt was stained with either ketchup, blood or both. Considering him, she couldn't tell. He tried to subtly pull his loose shirt tighter over his chest.
He failed both in stealth and actually showing off his muscles.
"Watching a disaster unfold," Miss Pauling said, her voice filled with exhaustion.
Maybe she should just let it blow up. That'd teach them. Then they'd have to rebuild their research.
Sort of like the don't touch the hot stove sometimes had to be learned with burned hands.
Except, she'd probably have to clean this mess up too.
"Huh, I'm more of a mystery Science Theater guy," Scout said.
Like he didn't have nightmares for weeks when Engie put on that showing of some sci-fi flick a ways back.
(It was kind of cute, actually. He'd fought much worse monsters, and he'd gotten nightmares over a cheap monster costume where the zipper could easily be seen. She'd liked the idea of going with him to one of those drive ins. Maybe he'd cling to her and be scared all night.)
"Uh, Pauling? M-Miss Pauling? I ain't no rocket scientist, but is it supposed to look so...explodey?"
She sighed. Medic's entire infirmary was going to be such a mess. Well, more of a mess than usual considering there was blood, bird shit and multiple OSHA violations all over the place around here.
"Knowing Medic and Engineer? Probably," Miss Pauling said.
"Ja!" Medic laughed in his best mad scientist way. "More!"
"Whoo, doggy, that's some atom collidin'. Think it'll create a reverse black hole?"
"We can only hope!"
"You know Miss Pauling like I saw somethin' like this once in a sci-fi comic and--"
"I'm a little busy right now, Scout."
Was it nuclear? Should she even be here? Hell if she knew.
"Yeah, Yeah, like I was sayin' I recognize a bad news device when I see it and--Shit, shit, shit, it's gonna blow!"
Scout grabbed her hand and all but dragged her towards the metal cabinet, full of all kinds of supplies, from gauze to what looked like body parts. They were huddled beneath the The door slammed shut. She hunched down, but a rusty edge of the shelf still dug into her shoulder. In fact, the tight proximity shoved her face against his chest.
Actually, it felt rather nice. Even with body parts and metal jutting into them. He smelled like burgers and sweat. So it was ketchup all over his shirt.
Damn, she could go for a burger. She and Scout should go out for one sometime. Except she never had time off from work, even for lunch.
She'd just have to put it on for later.
Except, now was not the time to think about this. Medic and Engineer were fucking up something, and this seven minutes in heaven was about to turn into seven minutes in hell real quick when the explosion got to them.
Speaking of explosions, a huge explosion rattled the doors and Scout held tighter to her with one arm, and kept the the door closed. Scout held her close as the shockwaves made the metal shudder around them. Just what were Medic and Engineer messing with this time?
She'd have to check that out...later. Once it was safe.
A shame she didn't have time for seven minutes in heaven after all. Because Scout's lips would probably taste like burgers and sligthly nuclear energy drinks, and suddenly she was a little...thirsty. Hungry, even.
After the massive boom, there was nothing but silence. Not debris falling, nothing. Did it blow out her hearing? Hopefully Medic's healing ray gun thing wasn't too damaged, because she just might need it.
"M-Miss Pauling, you okay there?"
"Mostly? I mean, there was that whole...thing."
"Yeah, what the hell was that?"
Okay, she could definitely still hear. But now, there was sure to be a mess to clean up.
"Anyways, we need to check on them. Which means we'll have to...
"Guess it's for the best. I would've had major circulation problems pretty damn quick if not," Scout said.
"Maybe you should ask Medic for help with that," She said dryly.
"He's not the one I want helpin'," Scout said.
Scout pushed open the door and peered out.
Smoke still filled the room. Scout coughed, and started to wave his hand.
Come to think of it, this probably wasn't the best to breathe. Eh, she was exposed to nuclear waste on the daily and Scout outright chugged it down. They'd be fine.
Probably.
The smoke surprisingly didn't dissipate.
"Phew, all clear. It wasn't as bad as I thought. With somebody like Engie and Medic collaboratin', you'd think it'd be downright nuclear. But if it were, I'd have gotten about a dozen more superpowers. I mean, a dozen more than I already got. Because I'm already--"
She took several steps forward.
The room actually wasn't damaged at all. Other than the smoke, which she now saw wasn't even from the machine, but from outside. A single bomb was left hanging outside.
That was...fine, right?
She'd deal with that explosion when she got to it.
Engineer and Medic were completely still.
"Uh...Engineer and Medic aren't moving," Miss Pauling said.
Scout stopped his bragging fest.
"Shit, you're right. I mean, they ain't on the floor and bloody, so it's a good thing, right?"
Engineer and Medic stood statue still. At first, she thought they were playing some kind of prank. Or just, you know, in awe of science. Or maybe they stopped their whatever the hell this experiment was and decided to play Simon Says.
"Yo, earth to Engie! You there, hardhat?" Scout waved his had in front of Engineer's face.
Neither moved.
"Scout, quick. Say: 'Need a dispenser here.' That's sure to elicit a murderous rage in him."
Scout was all too happy to oblige.
"Need a dispenser here!"
And, nothing. Engineer didn't even frown.
"Well, damn. That usually gets him goin'," Scout said.
"Quick, touch Medic's junk," Miss Pauling said.
"You want me to touch his what?"
"His junk. You know, the glass jars."
"Oh! Why didn't you say so?"
She furrowed her brow. "What did you think I wanted you to touch?"
"His... Er, junk."
"Oh, I wouldn't advise that. You'd die immediately."
Heavy would be none too happy to hear that one. The last thing she needed was an angry Russian man hunting Scout down. It was difficult enough keeping Soldier from breaking Scout's limbs as it was. Considering what Heavy had done to Scout when he tried to steal his sandwich, there was no telling the kind of carnage Heavy would unleash if Scout tried to steal his doctor.
"I mean, he ain't the one I'm into, but I'd probably live," Scout said.
Scout looked right at Medic and poked a jar.
"Usually I'd get needles fired at me for this. And hey, do birds stay in air like that?"
Archimedes was stuck in flight. Like a pause button had been hit.
"God...They've gone and fucked something up," Miss Pauling said.
"I mean, it's Engie and Medic. What do you expect?"
Really, what did she expect? An explosion. A mess to clean up.
Not...this.
"I need back up for this," Miss Pauling said.
"I'll help," Scout said.
With what, she didn't know. Miss Pauling didn't even know where to begin with this.
But most of all, she really fucking needed a drink.
*
The thing was, Medic and Engineer weren't the only ones.
As they headed through the base together, everyone else were caught in the middle of an action.
The smoke had come from some bombs Demoman had been juggling. He and Soldier had been tossing explosives out, for fun. Pyro had been watching television, and she didn't know where Sniper was. Somewhere in the desert with his van, probably.
Spy was stuck with a glass of wine at his lips. Saxton Hale was in the middle of a fight with a bear, while Bidwell reached out, his face eternally frozen in shock. Heavy had a book which looked comically small compared to his massive hands.
Even the Administrator stared blankly at the screens, which were now paused at the exact moment when Medic and Engie's fuck up had happened.
And nothing changed that.
"Well, Medic and Engie, you really went and fucked it up," Miss Pauling said.
"Uh-huh, yeah, about that--You know what this means, right?" Scout said.
Scout couldn't keep from smiling.
"We have a massive mess on our hands and Engineer and Medic probably doomed the world to some kind of hell or apocalypse?"
"Maybe, but that's not the point. Say it with me, va-cay-tion!"
He gave her double finger guns. "Yeah! Vacation, baby!"
"Vacation? That's what you got out of all of this?"
"Hey, they hit the pause button." Scout lifted his eyebrows suggestively at that. "That means no jobs, no work, no distraction. We got nothin' but time, baby!"
Her green eyes widened at this. She quickly pushed up her glasses. "...Wait, this means I...technically have time off?"
"Yeah! It ain't like there's a tickin' clock or time bomb. We can do whatever we want and take as long as we can to get this right."
Miss Pauling took a second to take in the possibilities. There would be time for dessert. And breakfast. And actual sleep.
"I could...take a nap. Right now. God, I'm so tired. I want to take thirty naps back to back."
"I'm pretty sure that's called a 'coma,'" Scout said.
"God, I could sure go for a coma right now," she said.
"So, do it. Take a nap, I mean. Not the coma part. You could even sleep in my bed if you want. That is a thing you could do."
"I'd pass out on this couch right there, but it's occupied," Miss Pauling said.
Pyro sat on the couch. A nature documentary had been playing. Even the show was forever paused right as two bucks fought with their horns entagled.
"All right, I will fix all of this...after I take a nap," she said.
"Cool, I'll just...be over here. Maybe get a snack or somethin',' Scout said.
She waved a goodbye because she was too tired to keep up with Scout's chattering right now.
*
Miss Pauling woke up unsure what day or year it was.
She sat up groggily and reached for her glasses. Oof, she should've undone her bun before she passed out. Her neck would be hella stiff, as Scout would say.
Well, he didn't usually say that about necks.
She rubbed at her forehead. Her confusion dissipated. It'd just been too long since she took a nap. She'd forgotten the post-nap panic where she forgot her name, birthday, day, year and everything she did for the past ten years, at least until she woke up a little more.
It wasn't dark, so she must've not slept the entire day away. Unless, she had slept through whole day and now it was another day.
The base was completely silent, all except for some slightly off-key singing. Scout was providing his own beat as he ran circles around the courtyard.
"Hey, it's nooot unusuallll--"
The singing abruptly stopped as he caught sight of her. Scout stopped, and gave her a sudden smile ans salute.
"Heyyy! Mornin', sunshine!"
"It's morning?"
"The fun thing is I have no idea! I think you conked out for like a whole day. I had to keep goin' in to check in and make sure you didn't friggin' die in there. Easy to tell, though. You snore like a moose."
"A moose?"
"Yeah, I watch nature documentaries," Scout said, in a way that he surely meant to be sultry. "And not just for the animal sex, either."
"I've been going on an hour sleep for far too long," she said.
"I mean, it was a sexy kinda moose call," Scout said.
She ignored that comment, for both their sakes.
"Wait, how did you know?"
"No sound here but you and me. I can hear for miiiles."
Oh, right. It was kind of eerie when things got really quiet.
"Turns out that all the tvs are paused too, so I couldn't watch nothin'."
"Did you even sleep?"
"Yeah, eventually I conked out on the couch and fell asleep on Pyro. Because they're frozen in time, they didn't try and set my pants on fire this time."
"Why didn't you go back to your own room?"
"I mean, I said you could have it. Maybe you'd wake up from your power nap and go 'this bed is borin', I'll go find another one. Wow, look at this cool bed with the BONK! covers. I'll sleep there!' But you couldn't if I was takin' up space."
"And everyone is..."
"Exactly where we left 'em. It wasn't just a nightmare, seems like," Scout said.
He rubbed at his chin. "Unless this is just a nightmare within a nightmare. Wonder how many layers it goes down?"
She saw that in a fit of no television, Scout had put festive birthday hats on all the men, and drawn a mustache on others.
Eh, it could be worse, she supposed.
"What are we going to do? The entire world is frozen. All of the workers of Mann co, all of the people I have to kill...actually, this means I can catch up on my backlog."
"You lookin' for suggestions? Because, I've had one which I've been makin' for a while but you ain't got time. Which meant I was hangin' around and buryin' bodies instead."
"The entire world is frozen, and you're suggesting we go...take a break? Wait, actually, some time off sounds fucking fantastic," she said.
"Speaking of fucking, I'm fantastic."
"Uh-huh," she said.
"And the world didn't end because you took a nap, see," Scout said.
"Which apparently lasted about twenty-four hours," Miss Pauling said.
"Or more, maybe. I don't know," Scout said.
"So we could just...temporarily ignore this? And then go get a beer and some chicken wings?" Miss Pauling said.
Scout put his hands in his pockets, and leaned on his heels. "Sounds good to me."
Miss Pauling held one finger up, stern teacher style. "Also, Scout, when we recount this story after we save the world together, and you're doing your thirty hour bragging fest, make sure you edit the timeline of what happened. No naps, no dates. We just saved the world."
"I'll have to remember that, maybe write it down," Scout said.
"You do that. Actually, wait. Maybe only the base was affected. We should go to Teufort and see if everyone else is like this."
He climbed in the truck, and let his hand hang out the window. She took the keys from her pocket and tried to turn on the truck. The engine didn't even make a sound. She tried again, and again. Nothing.
"Ugh, I knew I needed to get this one checked. Let's try another one."
They tried every single vehicle in the base, even ones that'd get them a bullet for the process, like Engineer's vehicles.
She'd even taken a break between them to attempt to shower, with no luck. She'd turn on the knob and nothing would come out.
She finally returned to the parking lot, where Scout kept playing catch with himself and an old ragged baseball.
Miss Pauling leaned her head back against the wall and took a long sigh.
"Showers aren't an option, and neither is driving," she said.
"Yeah, but there's still water around. Bathin' it is," Scout said.
"Not around here, considering we're in the desert. There's not a lot of drinking water, either. And most of the water here is infected with lead poisoning...We'd have to clean up with bottled water. Of course, that means our supplies will dwindle eventually."
She bit on her lower lip. Leaving the base wouldn't just be a joyride but a necessity to survival.
"Plenty of bottled water in town, though, right?" Scout said.
"Probably," she said.
Still, it wasn't limitless. They really needed to keep moving.
"I tried to phone ma, and I don't even hear a dial tone. I hope she's okay," Scout said.
"Well, a few things are possible. Medic and Engie managed to mess up only the tech around here and the phones are blown and she's completely fine...or everyone and everything is like the base and we are literally the only people who aren't affected somehow. We're literally the last man and woman on earth."
"Ooh, I've dreamt about what that would be like," Scout said.
She lifted her eyebrows. "Really, now?"
"Yeah! Just imagine what fun that would be! Oh yeah, and any luck with the car thing?" Scout said.
"Not a bit. They can't all be broken. I mean, they could, knowing how chaotic it is here. But it's pretty suspect to have them all go down the same time as Medic and Engie's massive fuck up. It's probably completely connected."
Scout had headed for snacks between attempts to get a truck working, and held out a bottle of water to her. She gratefully took a drink.
"Thanks."
"Wait, you got this from the fridge, right? Was it running?"
"I guess? It was still cold in there. Food's still good. Didn't taste funky."
"I think maybe machines around here are affected by this--whatever the hell it is. But, you said none of the food spoiled, either. So maybe the flow of time affects food too."
"Maybe the fridge is frozen. Get it?"
That didn't even get a chuckle out of her.
"We'll have to walk to town. At least the heat seems...paused, if that makes any sense. Even without a wind, the temperature isn't as brutal as it usually is."
She supposed they were lucky the temperature didn't plummet.
"No big deal. I run there all the time," Scout said.
"For you, maybe. I don't have massive thighs and legs that go on for days."
"You could ride me."
"You're thinking with your pants right now?"
"How do you think with your pants? Do you like put your pants on your head, like a thinkin' cap? Oh and I was talkin' about a piggyback."
A shocked, then intrigued expression came over Scout's face.
"Oh, wait, y'mean--You thought I was sayin'..."
She gestured towards him. "You offered to let me ride you! What am I supposed to take out of that?"
"I mean, that's on the table. Or chairs. Or floor. Or bed. I'm not picky, b-but that's not what I was sayin'. I was talkin' about you ridin' me, piggyback like. Wait, that does sound kinda suggestive now that I think of it..."
For someone so fast, he sure could be slow on the uptake. Though it was kind of cute.
"You'll get tired eventually.
"Nah, I can go a long time. I got stamina," Scout said.
She cleared her throat. "Good to know, I suppose."
"--You've seen me run. I can run for miles without stoppin'."
"We're talking about running now, are we?"
"Okay, what about this. We find one of those carts, right? I can pull it."
This had accidentally gotten very kinky very fast and Scout didn't even seem to realize the implications of what he kept stumbling into.
"That could work," she said.
The mental picture was...distracting, to say the least.
"Maybe they got one of those in Teufort," Scout said.
"We'll have to check," Scout said.
"Just, I got a question," Scout said.
"I honestly don't know if I could answer it at this rate," she said wearily.
"Okay, okay, you can answer this one though. In fact, you're the only one who can. What exactly are we?"
"Are you going philosophical on me now? I really don't know the meaning of life. That's not my forte. I'm more concerned in death," she said.
Scout's hands moved as he talked. He never could sit still for long.
"Like, back there in that bread, we were talkin' about stuff. Like, goin' out together. Like are we dating-dating? Are we sexy friends, or rivals who smooch, or that weird but sexy enemies to lovers thing Catwoman and Batman got goin' on?"
"Where did you get the idea that we were 'sexy enemies?' We work for the same team," Miss Pauling said.
"I'm just seein' if it's on the table,' Scout said.
"We are sort of a thing. Except I hadn't had a lot of time to actually get to the dating part. Or much time to do anything but work," she said.
"And the body-buryin' together? Was that a sort of thing or just work?" Scout said.
"Because when we were buryin' the bodies together, I really thought I felt somethin'. And I'm not talkin' about maggots, either," Scout said.
"Sort of dating," she said.
"So I was right. You do sort of like me."
"More than sort of," she said.
Scout smiled big at that. "Really? Cool! S-so we got all the time in the world, right?" Scout said.
"We have to get the world back eventually," she said cautiously.
"Key word here is eventually. We could certainly fit in a date while we check on Teufort, right?"
"Actually, that isn't a bad idea," she said.
After all, it wasn't like the Administrator would know, right? She was stuck in time like the rest of them.
(Though Miss Pauling wouldn't put it past her to find out anyways.)
"Although, there's a lot of things we can't do. Like watch a movie together or go on rides..." she said.
"Hey, I know one thing we can definitely do together," Scout said.
"Yes?" (She had a feeling it would end with his shirt being torn off in demonstration.)
Scout grinned big. "Play cards!"
"Wait, why are you looking at me like that? Do you not like cards or somethin'? I mean cards aren't mechanical, right? They should work fine."
Scout never failed to surprise her. He really hadn't gotten suggestive at all.
Maybe she was the one with the dirtier mind in the end.