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Lily sat alone on the Hogwarts Express, in desperate need of some space from her friends’ constant chattering, as the voices in her head were already much too loud. She was so irritated. Irritated at Severus for the path he’d chosen and irritated at Potter for forcing the bitter pill down her throat.
Potter had always been someone who made Lily want to scream. She was used to being perpetually irritated with him, but she was also irritated with herself now. She’d accused him so many times of bullying, making Severus the victim, and duelling outnumbered, but after the incident (as she’d been referring to it), she began to wonder if Severus gave as good as he got. If he had been the instigator. She had always known he could be vindictive, but perhaps she’d always taken his side because Potter rubbed her the wrong way. He drove Lily up the wall with the way he naturally produced perfect spells in their practical sessions, how maddeningly good he was at quidditch (and how everyone fawned over him for it). Even his face irritated Lily – he was just so good looking and he knew it. Charming smiles and roguish winks had slipped him from many a troubled situation. Not that Lily had been admiring his face, she didn’t find James Potter attractive one bit. Not in a million years .
A sharp knock on her door pulled her from her musings.
Speak of the devil.
He didn’t offer his usual smile or grin; his hand didn’t jump to his hair, though it was fisted at his side like he was preventing himself from ruffling his bird’s nest of a head. He looked solemn, and that gave Lily pause . She had a quip ready for flirtatious Potter, annoying Potter, rambunctious Potter, but she had nothing ready for serious Potter. New territory .
“Lily,” he said, instead of the customary ‘ Hey Evans’. He paused and wet his lips. Solemn and nervous; what was the world coming to? “I wanted to talk to you?” his voice wobbled slightly, and Lily noticed it was a bit higher than usual.
Lily quirked an eyebrow, thrown off balance by this new side of him.“What about?”
“About Snape,” Potter said, hanging his head. She’d never seen him so defeated.
Lily opened her mouth to inform him she’d had enough of people talking about it. Enough of Severus harassing every Gryffindor next to the portrait and enough of her friends pitying glances. She didn’t want to hear Potter say I told you so because he had (told her, that is). He’d called Severus a Dark Arts Fanatic for years, and he’d finally been proven right. Lily felt the burning rush of shame prickle her eyes as she struggled to find her words.
But she was too late, because Potter was already talking.
“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry,” he began seriously.
Lily gaped at him.
Potter seemed more unnerved than ever at her silence, his hand finally jumping to his head to ruffle his hair and Lily was suddenly aware of what a subconscious nervous tick the gesture was. Had he been incredibly nervous all those other times too?
And then stop feeling sorry for him, he’s been an ass.
“I’m sorry about the way I behaved. I’m sorry for the part I played in your friendship ending. I’m just extremely, sincerely sorry,” he said emphatically.
Lily felt her annoyance ease as she took in his pleading eyes and sorrowful expression. He’d not given one excuse; it seemed Potter was irritatingly good at apologies too. Her face must not have been as open, because he continued talking, stumbling unsurely.
“You don’t need to forgive me, you can hate me all you want. I just wanted you to know I’m sorry it happened,” he said, swallowing.
“Thank you for the apology,” Lily said, finally finding her words and nodding at him.
He took that as the dismissal it was and left. Lily almost called him back, seeing his shoulders sag in guilt, but she had her own emotions to worry about first.
***
It was on the train that Potter approached her again. The pain of losing her best friend had somewhat healed over the summer and Lily didn’t feel the sharp stab of betrayal anymore when someone spoke his name. But her mind still played back the events from the Black Lake when she saw Potter’s messy hair and tall figure appear in the doorway again.
This time she was sitting with her friends, who seemed surprised to see Potter drop by their compartment. Well, perhaps not surprised to see him, but definitely surprised to see him adorned in a serious expression.
“Hello. Can I have a word in private?” he asked Lily.
Before the apology at the end of the year Lily likely would have denied his request, but she found herself following him out under her friends’ curious gazes.
“What is it this time?” she asked, with a bit more bite than she’d intended.
She winced as she saw Potter visibly flinch at her tone, before straightening his shoulders like he was preparing for battle. “I want to apologise,” he said firmly.
“You’ve already apologised,” she reminded him, consciously adjusting her tone so it was softer. “I accepted it, he would’ve said it at some point. I’ve had the summer to mull it over and I think it’s better that it came out now rather than later .”
“That doesn’t mean you deserved any of it to happen that way,” James argued stubbornly. “And that’s not actually what I wanted to apologise for.”
“Oh,” Lily said in surprise, wracking her brain for other incidents he had caused, but nothing serious sprung to mind.
His hand jumped to his hair again, definitely a nervous tick and Lily watched as he opened his mouth a few times before settling on the right words. “I want to apologise for the way I asked you out last year. It was stupid and thoughtless and I didn’t realise until my mother heard and well…she wasn’t very impressed to say the least …and I need you to know I’m sorry for causing you any embarrassment, or pain, or making you feel harassed –” here James’ voice broke and Lily snapped her head up to see a single tear roll down his cheek. He swiped at it furiously, studiously avoiding her eyes as he inhaled shakily in preparation for what Lily was sure was going to be another phenomenal apology.
“Thank you,” Lily interrupted, feeling her heart expand at his obvious regret. “I understand you’re sorry. I forgive you .”
James looked a bit disbelieving, or he was just in shock, so Lily continued – deciding to voice the part of his apology that hadn’t sat well with her. “I didn’t feel harassed,” Lily clarified, feeling her heart sag in relief alongside his face at her words.
“You didn’t?” James whispered brokenly, staring at her.
“No,” Lily said. “You only asked twice, James, it’s not like you were following me around asking over and over again. I was embarrassed , so thank you for apologising for that, but I didn’t feel harassed .”
‘But I wanted to,” James burst out miserably. “I had such a crush on you and I kept talking to you and mum said–”
“You had a crush on me?” Lily broke in, surprised.
“Why do you think I asked you out?” James asked, looking at her oddly.
“I thought you were just trying to wind me up,” Lily said, shrugging nonchalantly. She didn’t catch James’ hurt expression as he quickly looked at the floor.
“I wasn’t,” he said. “But mum said–”
“Your mum has the right idea,” Lily agreed, interrupting again. “But I didn’t feel harassed, okay? I know what it feels like and that wasn’t it.”
James blew out a breath, looking unsure whether he should argue his point or agree with her. Lily decided to extend him an olive branch. “How about we start fresh. Hi, I’m Lily Evans – I’m a Hogwarts Prefect and I hope to be Head Girl some day.”
“Hi Evans, I’m James Potter,” James responded, after hesitating only for the briefest of moments. “I’m Quidditch Captain this year and nobody in their right mind would ever make me Head Boy.” He extended his hand for her to shake
Lily laughed as their hands linked.. “My friends call me Lily,” she smiled, taking a deep breath. It felt good to forgive .
“My friends call me Prongs,” James said with a bashful smile. “But I can be James to you.”
As he moved to walk down the corridor, obviously intending to rejoin his friends while Lily went back to hers, she called out to him.
“James, wait.”
He turned, taking a few steps towards her.
“Thank you for apologising,” she said. “And I’m sorry for being so mean – the Giant Squid comment was a bit harsh.”
“That’s okay, I deserved it,” James shrugged, but a small smile played on his lips and Lily thought her apology might have cheered him up more than he let on.
***
As the weeks went by, Lily found herself observing James. He’d taken the responsibility of Quidditch Captain quite seriously, leading the team to the first victory of the year which may have justified all the complaints Lily had been privy to about the early hours and physical demands of practice. She’d found him defending a second year Slytherin who was cornered by a group of Ravenclaw upperclassman; she’d seen him kindly demonstrating the levitation charm for a first year Hufflepuff; and she’d even gathered some insight into their infamous pranks when Remus let slip on patrol that it was retaliation for the Ravenclaw bullying.
The truce with James remained and as the months went by, Lily found herself almost friends with James. They weren’t close like she was with her dormmates, but he was still more of a friend than most of her housemates were. They would talk occasionally without arguing, they had helped each other with Transfiguration and Charms, and he’d been exceedingly helpful in sneaking her back to the Common Room one night at the end of the year when she’d been studying late in the library.
An invisibility cloak was really quite handy.
Lily wondered when he’d suddenly become so attractive, or if she was only just noticing it now. Certainly, her peers had noticed for years , so perhaps it was the latter. Perhaps getting to know him had changed her perspective.
***
“Congratulations,” Lily cheered excitedly when James sought her out on their final train ride to Hogwarts. He’d nervously pulled his Head Boy badge out to show her, shifting from foot to foot as he awaited her response.
She could tell he enjoyed her praise, because his cheeks had flushed and his hand leapt up to that bloody mess of hair.
Since when did she want to run her own fingers through it?
“I thought we agreed nobody in their right mind would make me Head Boy,” James joked, but Lily could see the slight frown that gave his doubts away.
“It’s a good thing Dumbledore isn’t then,” Lily said lightly, before following it up with a soft “but really James, you’ll be a great Head Boy.”
“You think so?” he said uncertainly, basking in her reassurance.
“I know so,” Lily said firmly. Because she did.
And he was.
James had a genius map that allowed them to patrol from the comfort of their sofa in the Heads Common Room. He dealt out detentions when necessary and took his half of the workload with enthusiasm.
It was during one of their planning sessions that Lily started to stare at him, taking in his messy hair, his furrowed brow and the rolled up sleeves of his shirt as he concentrated. Had he always had such nice forearms? She felt a rush of emotions well inside her as she suddenly realised she was more than attracted to him. She had feelings.
James must have felt her gaze, because he glanced up, sending a concerned look her way as she gaped at him. “Is everything okay, Lily?” he asked.
No! Lily thought, panicked. Everything was far from okay. Excuses piled in her mind worrying about patrols, concerned about Mary, thinking about career meetings but instead the honest truth slipped out, unfiltered by her brain. “I have feelings for you.”
The announcement sat in the room like an elephant as James’ mouth joined hers in gaping, his eyes widening comically. If Lily hadn’t been so mortified she may have laughed.
“Sorry,” she blurted out, her hands coming to cover her face. “ Shit . Sorry I didn’t mean to say that.”
She felt a warm touch on her wrists and a shiver ran down her spine as her hands were pulled from her face and she opened her eyes to meet a warm hazel gaze. “Do you mean that?” he questioned, staring at her with was that hope?
“Yes, I just didn’t mean to blurt it out,” Lily said, biting her lip in embarrassment as she tried to duck her head.
“I’ve been hoping for a long time you might say something like that,” James whispered, as if afraid speaking too loud would shatter the reality in which they gently existed.
“You have?” Lily said, her head snapping up as her stomach swooped.
“You have no idea,” James laughed, leaning in so his breath dusted her face as she spoke. “Can I kiss you?”
Lily answered him by leaning in to press her lips softly against his. It was a gentle and sweet, full of emotion and the extra little oomph Lily had always read about. Lily had never expected to find love with James Potter, but looking back it all seemed a bit inevitable.