Work Text:
The biting silence of the day had dug its way under Sizhui’s skin.
He had grown accustomed to having fewer disciples join on each nighthunt. It was taken as a sign that his seniors saw him as capable and trusted, but on some hunts, he couldn’t help missing Jingyi’s natural flow of conversation.
Sizhui could only hold a conversation with his own thoughts for so long before he started repeating himself.
The humidity that lingered in the air matched the quiet tension. The zeal Jin Ling first had when volunteered himself to help validate the rumours about lingering ghosts between the sect borders, wasn’t present during their conversations. Not even a trace of it was left when they spoke to village locals.
Jin Ling had spared a few hand gestures or waves when he found useful information, but actual dialogue was sparse. It left Sizhui to wonder why Jin Ling jumped at the chance for a task that hardly concerned his own sect, and only had Sizhui as part of the investigation team.
It wasn’t like they had nothing in common, or never talked alone. Sizhui had listened to Jin Ling’s complaints about delegating work, training new disciples, and more countless times before. Sizhui had mastered the skill of finding the exact words for a response that would make Jin Ling’s head angle back in laughter. A golden shine would wind through his hair, and more energy filled his lungs than most ever saw.
Thoughts of reaching out and feeling the sun that danced on Jin Ling’s cheeks called Sizhui every time. He had imagined how Jin Ling would react. A gasp, a smile, or their hands overlapping. Sizhui had spun the fantasy in his mind so many times, but with how their first nighthunt alone together was going, he had to wonder.
Was the warmth in his chest not replicated?
It was a question Sizhui didn’t want to acknowledge as he watched Jin Ling casually talk with another person that wasn’t him. Someone had to talk to the innkeeper to rent a room, but did he need to lean forward on the counter? Did he need to talk about more than just cost?
Sizhui could feel a bubbling heat encourage his tongue to untangle as he watched Jin Ling hold up two fingers. “Jin Ling,” The unneeded urgency in his own voice took Sizhui off guard. A perfectly timed smile bought him time to compose his volume. “We don’t need two rooms. One with two beds would be just fine.”
Standing back up from his casual lean, Jin Ling spared more words for his argument than he had given Sizhui all day. “I have the money, so why not get two rooms?” Jin Ling answered, choosing to study the wood grain of the counter instead of sparing Sizhui a glance.
Sizhui took a step forward, latching onto their first real exchange of words since they had set off. “From looking at the clouds outside, it will likely rain soon. If people need a place to stay out of the rain, we should leave open rooms if we can.”
There was a familiar strained movement of Jin Ling’s brow as his lips twitched. Muscles moved as he visually considered the idea. Jin Ling’s eyes snapped to Sizhui, lingering for a breath, just long enough for sparks to shoot down Sizhui’s back.
As quickly as Sizhui had the strong eyes on him, they were gone. Guided away as Jin Ling turned back to the counter. Sizhui could only watch the bow trained fingers jump before counting out the payment of two rooms.
Apparently there was no need to hold an argument when the other party refused to answer. Something had changed the grin that would pause on him and the witty remarks that Jin Ling seemed to have no end of.
Whether it was sect leader related stress or determination to finish a job that gave Jin Ling ongoing tunnel vision, Sizhui just wished he could give relief to the pressure. He hoped it was all temporary, and that Jin Ling would open up for him again soon.
Following Jin Ling up the stairs to their reserved rooms gave more weight to Sizhui’s feet. He received a thrown arm to gesture to his own room, and Jin Ling was in motion once more.
“Ling-er-!” Sizhui caught his call too late. It was loud enough for Jin Ling to hear, and jerk his body in place from his sudden stop. Sizhui had no other words to use, but he needed to speak to have Jin Ling turn around. “Ling-er…” He tried again, hoping he’d come up with something more.
As if he was waiting for the more that stubbornly wouldn’t come, Jin Ling turned around. His eyes were firm to the floor, and hands tight into fists at his sides. His brow moved again. It was another soundless fight before his body could agree, and his hands came out in front of him for a bow. “Sleep well, Lan Yuan.”
There was nothing left for Sizhui in that moment beyond his own reciprocated bow. He could watch Jin Ling’s uneasy walk to his own room, and the last flash of the red ribbon in his hair before he was completely out of view. Then there was nothing. Only the dim lantern light in the corridor.
Sizhui was left to his own noticeable breathing, and a room alone.
The few things Sizhui had on his person were unloaded to the table in the center of the room. They were given quiet care as he shed his outer robe. He still had time before he had to sleep, but he wanted to be comfortable, which included closing the open windows in preparation for the due rain.
Recording their findings from memory to paper gave Sizhui a focus. He could give all his attention to perfecting every brush stroke and forget about the one wall separating him from Jin Ling. He didn’t have to think about how Jin Ling would be taking his dinner alone, or how he’d be writing the same to his own reports. Sizhui didn’t need to think about it, but he did.
Early rain tapped along the roof of the inn, acting as a sign for Sizhui to finish detailing the last of their report. His meal sat forgotten, thickening the longer it had been open to the air. Sizhui’s stomach had no space available for more than his worries; which decidedly ate at him instead.
Gradually the rhythm of the rain drowned itself out. Pouring out from the sky it rattled the frame of the old building. The trapped humidity in the room lingered to his skin, coaxing Sizhui’s fingers to find the opening at the front of his robes.
When he wondered if it was too late in the night to request a bath, the sky cracked to life.
Sizhui’s heart jumped with the thunder, feeling it rumble through his chest. His fingers paused, and a breath released him through his nose. He had received his answer by the weather itself. Waiting for the morning when the storm had dispelled the sticky air would be best.
Leaving his reports on the table, Sizhui took a step towards the bed when the next bolt of lightning struck. Each strike was close, but not at a distance for much concern. It wouldn’t be more than a mild inconvenience to sleep through.
The bed creaked as Sizhui adjusted his position. His shoulders shuffled him lower down the bedding, choosing to sleep on top rather than under the coverings which would only add more heat.
A new strike to the ground was a new moment for Sizhui to begin slowing down his breathing. Constant heavy rain was the perfect sound to focus on, engulfing any other noise that wasn’t part of the storm. Strong wails of the wind becoming one with rainfall, almost smothering the knock at his door.
Sizhui sat up in an instance, wondering if he imagined the sound as his loose hair slipped down his shoulders. His feet were quick to the floor when his questions were answered by another sharp succession of knocks. There was desperation in the call.
Fixing the fit of his robes, Sizhui moved towards the door, hearing a new rumble, and a recognizable voice.
“Jin Ling?” Sizhui asked before he slid open the door. “Is everything alright?”
There was no time to take in the pale inner robe that was chaotically folded to Jin Ling’s body, or how every piece of metal normally decorating his hair was missing. There was only enough time for Sizhui to breathe before the next crash of thunder.
The sound shook the building, and Jin Ling collided with Sizhui’s chest.
A dry spot in Sizhui’s mouth grew as hands turned into vice grips on his forearms. “J-Jin Ling?” Sizhui stood frozen while his mind raced. “Are you hurt? Did you trip?”
Jin Ling’s forehead rubbed against the thin white robes as he groaned. “I’m fine.”
Sizhui knew not to believe the poor attempt at reassurance when it burned into his skin. He wanted to ask and point out the obvious, but he also wanted to ask if Jin Ling’s cinnabar dot was still in its place, and why he hadn’t properly dressed to cross the inn’s hallway.
“Do your eyes hurt? Did you eat something bad?” Sizhui spat out what questions his mind could ask, while focusing on where his hands should and shouldn’t go.
Thunder answered him, as did Jin Ling, changing his hold from Sizhui’s arms, to gripping the front of his robes. Grumbles were indiscernible above the unforgiving rainfall, but an angle of Jin Ling’s head allowed the threats to become distinguishable. “Don’t you dare tell anyone.”
Sizhui’s mind instantly clicked into place when another flash snuck through the cracks of the window frame.
“I understand. Let me…” With the restricted movement Sizhui had, he turned them around. One hand managed to free itself to slide the door shut, gradually finding a new resting place in the middle of Jin Ling’s back. Sizhui knew not to acknowledge the jump when his palm was laid flat. He just had to fall into a cycle of calming circles without acknowledging it.
“I-I’ll throw you across Lanling if you say anything. I’ll break your sword arm. I-I’ll-” A hiccup broke through Jin Ling’s string of threats. A breath caught in his throat, and Sizhui could feel the hard swallow against his body.
Sizhui kept his smile to himself, leading the bent other by the gentle push of his hand. “It’s okay. I won’t say anything.” Sizhui’s answer was devoured through more rolling thunder, but he knew he was understood as Jin Ling’s grip loosened. “Come this way.”
Jin Ling’s feet shuffled across the floor, refusing to be lifted. The sound seemed to calm the young sect leader, allowing his back to find a better angle. Long strands of hair were matted to the sides of Jin Ling’s face. They were crooked around his brow, and squished together at the edges of his ears.
“Here, sit.” Sizhui offered, concealing a lick at his lips. A pivot of their odd entanglement led them to the bed in Sizhui’s room. With the bedding still being tucked in, it was the ideal spot to guide Jin Ling down to as another flash slipped through.
Fingers curled into the edges of Sizhui’s slowly parting robe, and Jin Ling showed no signs of budging.
A calmed hush made its way up through Sizhui’s chest, taking on the same gentle volume he had when speaking to the bunnies that scattered along the hills. “It’s alright.” The unending circles moved up Jin Ling’s back. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
As if Sizhui had delivered a physical blow to Jin Ling’s ego, his head snapped up. “I’m not afraid!” Through puffed cheeks, the obvious lie bounced back. Jin Ling could bore holes into Sizhui if his eyes had shovels. Natural reds climbed up Jin Ling’s neck, and thin truths touched his tongue. “I just don’t like to be alone during storms…”
The concept floated through Sizhui’s mind, comparing the raging storm outside to the human form of a tempest Jin Ling normally stuck close to. The question was tucked away from another day, choosing to find something to distract Jin Ling rather than encourage defensive jumps. “Who’s normally with you during storms?” Lists of disciples could be included, but for the same vulnerability that hung on Sizhui’s robe, he knew Jin Ling’s trust wouldn’t extend that far.
Jin Ling’s eyes dropped. “I normally have Fairy.” The admittance came from the side of Jin Ling’s mouth, mumbled for his tongue to trip over.
“And Fairy is-” Sizhui stopped himself before stating what was already clear. Jin Ling out of sect leader manners followed the rules of where he visited, including Cloud Recesses’ no pets rule. Fairy was home, snug in her luxurious bed, far from where Jin Ling was.
A new approach was needed. If Sizhui was going to take the place of a fluffy companion, he couldn’t complain. Between clashes of thunder, it was the most words Jin Ling had exchanged with him that day. It was a strange kind of luck Sizhui would take.
“You know,” Sizhui’s tone turned lighter as he spoke, seeking to change the atmosphere. “I used to be afraid of storms too.” His answer was laced with memories from early years. Finding himself in a similar situation, hiding under Hanguang-Jun’s sleeve.
Jin Ling pulled himself away again, his brow having a more resolute set than earlier. “Used to. I want you to listen to that part again.”
Sizhui couldn’t help the shake of his shoulders with his laugh. “I see, I see…” He chuckled, letting each airy release bounce them together. “Well what I mean to say is that I can understand why you would have a fear of them.”
Jin Ling’s eyes moved to the drying reports Sizhui had left on the table. There was no indication what was running through Jin Ling’s mind. So Sizhui took the lead.
“The light and sound is quite startling.” Sizhui hummed, ensuring his palm kept up its task of soothing touches.
“I’m not afraid of something as juvenile as that.” The sneer from Jin Ling fit the rigidness of his lips, but not the deep well in his eyes. He leaned further into Sizhui’s body, compressing his weight while his legs tucked up.
Sizhui steadied himself through a long exhale from his nose. The muscles around his stomach clenched as he focused on keeping both of them upright. “What part of it terrifies you?” He asked with genuine curiosity. “Is it the danger? The unpredictability? Is it because it’s something out of our control?”
One of the posed reasons seemed to hit the mark. When Jin Ling’s head turned back to press his face firmly into Sizhui’s chest, it wasn’t just caused by the most recent flash of lightning.
Sizhui knew not to press further, not when Jin Ling trembled against him. He felt impossibly small, as if Sizhui could pick him up by one hand. Images of Hanguang-Jun’s rabbits came back to his mind, and Sizhui wished he could cradle Jin Ling like the same scared bunnies.
Parts of his earliest memories, beyond his actual firsts which still continued to trickle in with hazy edges, Sizhui could remember getting caught out in storms. They were never as frequent in the cold mountains of Cloud Recesses, which made their occurrence all the more surprising. One calm overcast day, sharing carrots with a herd of bunnies, quickly turned dark.
The clear picture of rain landing on his nose as he took another bite of the long carrot before tipping it forward for a white rabbit came back to Sizhui. He knew there was something wrong when the herd dispersed, but he didn’t know how quickly the trouble would come. He made it only part way down the hill before the first strike hit, and then he was stuck. The fear locked his knees in place, and that was that.
He would never forget when he was found by Hanguang-Jun, and the relief he felt through the pouring rain. The large hand brushing over his drenched hair was a comfort that would never leave him. It was just what he needed when he was plucked out of the wet grass, and it came so naturally for Sizhui to do the same.
Jin Ling’s hair was even softer than Sizhui first imagined as he touched the back of his head. A brief pause in Jin Ling’s breathing froze Sizhui in place. He knew to wait, and listen for how Jin Ling might react. It only took a moment for a soft whimper to form, and Sizhui followed the cue.
“It’s okay.” Sizhui hushed as he ran his fingers down Jin Ling’s hair. His arm stretched out as his intent to follow until the end of Jin Ling’s long hair was found. “You’re safe with me.” Sizhui moved his other arm to slip over Jin Ling’s waist, and hold him close.
Jin Ling pressed in again, and the decision for Sizhui to recline them down to his bed was made.
“I know…” Jin Ling sighed as his fingers loosened their grip. The tension in his shoulders melted and his eyes closed. “You’re always safe.”
The skin on the back of Sizhui’s neck tingled. The words were breathed so close to his face, they were warm and serene. Sizhui could feel the honesty in them. Jin Ling truly believed what he said. Just the idea of it gave Sizhui enough strength that he could fight off the storm himself.
But the choice to stay inside with Jin Ling was much more inviting.
“I’m sorry…”
Sizhui wondered if his ears had stopped working as the barely audible sound was nearly missed. He chose not to ask Jin Ling to repeat himself, instead he continued to run his fingers through the long dark hair.
“For… you know.” Jin Ling mumbled through a heavy sigh.
The general assumption that Sizhui understood what Jin Ling was referring to was too generous. The quiet apology could be put to a number of possibilities, but once more Sizhui chose to only hum in return. He didn’t need to know details when he was lying comfortably with Jin Ling nestled against his chest.
A trickle of sweat traced the line of his jaw as Jin Ling’s breathing slowed. The sound of the storm had grown more distance, becoming no more than gentle rumbles. “How are you feeling, Ling-er?” Sizhui whispered, pushing the other’s bangs back. “Ling-er?” He watched the usually tense brow hold a peaceful position, and no matter how long he waited, it didn’t move.
Jin Ling had fallen asleep. There was no exact indication when, but it wasn’t used as a sign to stop. Sizhui would eventually sleep, and then he would stop brushing his hand through the soft hair, but he wasn’t quite tired yet. He could bend a few rules and stay up late when it was only the two of them.
Their investigation could wait until the next day, Sizhui didn’t need to think of anything else that night. Nothing else, other than the gentle sounds of Jin Ling’s breathing, and how his head fit perfectly under Sizhui’s chin. Those were the important things, everything else could wait.