Archive of Our Own

Maddox wouldn’t say she had felt gutted when Nini hadn’t shown up to camp this year.

She was merely… a little thrown when EJ had shown up in a car full of seemingly everyone but Nini. But she had brushed it off, reassured herself that Nini would probably show up later because there’s no way EJ only has four friends he’s taking to camp.

But they’ve arrived at the cabins now, and doubt begins to creep in when only the same three girls from EJ’s car are there, but she keeps her smile bright. She has campers behind her as three new campers in front of her. Maybe this is the year she can have a fresh start. Maybe this year she’ll finally make new friends.

And then she looks at her bunk. The usual first-day-of-camp excitement washes over her, but it ebbs and leaves an aching melancholy. She brightens her smile and pushes it away. Not now. Now is not the time to feel anything negative. There are campers to lead and there is a girl standing in front of the only bed she wants to sleep in. There is summer camp to enjoy, and she’s determined to do it, no matter how put off she is.

But she wants her bunk. With all the memories and slight annoyance of having the bathroom light blind her first every time someone used it in the middle of the night. The subtle lesbian flag decorated-racket no one ever took down.

Maddox tells the girl who is standing in front of the bunk that this bunk is where she lost her two front teeth in a pillow fight.

She doesn’t tell her that this bunk was where she and her… where she and Nini spent almost every night last year cuddled under the sheets. Doesn’t tell her that this is where she fell in love with a girl who was too scared to reciprocate.

To her surprise, the girl agrees immediately, grabbing all her stuff off. Maddox dumps all her stuff on it, watching her move her belongings to a new bunk from the corner of her eye. Did I scare her away already?

“So,” she plops down on the bunk with an excited smile, and her cheeks ache a little bit already. It’s an uncomfortable ache right now, but she’s hoping that it’ll grow more natural, hopefully by smiling and laughing all week. “Who’s got secrets?”

When Ricky arrives a day late, Maddox first feels a surge of irritation— this is the guy who wouldn’t tell Nini he loved her back— then her chest twinges with hope. Maybe Nini’s just late this year. Maybe she had something to do and had to miss the first day.

But why didn’t she text me? Maddox sneaks out of bed in the middle of the night, too impatient to wait for the morning, and switches on her phone. She cringes as she scrolls through her messages with Nini, wishing she would’ve never sent so many messages. Even just seeing the myriad of blue bubbles with a few sparse and tiny gray bubbles as she swipes faster and faster makes her wince.

Hell, she wouldn’t even respond to herself if she came off as this clingy and desperate.

Most of the time, Nini responds, but the conversation always dies, never lasts more than several hopeful minutes. Maddox always sent the last text. They hadn’t really texted in… almost half a year.

Maybe Nini finally had enough of you, a voice in her head suggests, just like everyone else. She pushes it away. 

She wouldn’t skip induction night, right? She had played along last year, harmonizing with Maddox as they led the song, reacting to the scary story so that the new campers would too. She would let out a theatrical gasp at every scary part and then turn to meet Maddox’s gaze, her eyes sparkling, and Maddox’s heart would flutter, her smile widening just a little each time. And Nini had always loved it, settling into their tent at night with a sigh and the softest little smile on her face at successfully getting through yet another camp tradition.

But Nini doesn’t show up. Not when they begin moving their sleeping gear outside, not when the sun begins to set. And Maddox, too busy glancing at the camp entrance, slips and lets herself make that mistake of overstepping, of getting too excited, of talking just a little too much.

In her tent that night, with some other counselors and CITs, she tells herself that camp should be fun, that she should be having fun. But she just swallows back tears and doesn’t take her eyes off the empty space in the tent— where Nini would definitely fit (even though last year, she’d probably prefer to crawl into bed with Maddox— until she falls asleep.

Waking up early to tune and warm up before the bugle call (so she doesn’t absolutely butcher it and injure herself) is harder without Nini coaxing her out of bed, without Nini pulling her into the camp practice room with her sheet music where she’d play warm-up scales with the promise of kisses.

And it always worked; it wasn’t like Nini would agree to kissing her in public, so early mornings, hidden away in the private, soundproof practice rooms were the only place they could truly be together.

But this morning, she’s groggy all the way to the practice room. She grabs her trumpet from under her bunk, grabs her phone for the tuner, and drags her feet all the way across camp. When the first note grates out in a croak that sends the tuner’s needle flailing wildly, she automatically smiles, only for it to stiffen and then fade when no one’s there to laugh with her. 

So she just licks her chapped lips, lazily adjusts her embouchure, and tries again until she can sustain a concert B-flat.

Usually, Nini would laugh at the first notes squeaked out of her trumpet and Maddox would roll her eyes, as if exasperated, pout and blink at Nini until she walked over and kissed her.

Her warm-up is half-hearted, eyelids drooping with tiredness as she makes her way through lip slurs and scales and arpeggios, through the wake-up call at half speed and then three-quarters speed because the tonguing at the end is a little tricky when she’s this drowsy.

Her mind wanders as the instrument falls from her lips with a sigh.

She remembers dropping just about anything to agree when Nini had asked her to help her practice her lines and her songs, even if she was just an understudy (it definitely did pay off later). Nini would sidle up to her with a twinkle in her eye and a faint smile twitching at her lips, and Maddox was gone before a word came out of her mouth.

But she always waited for Nini to ask, always waited for the quietly spoken, timid words, often accompanied by a pretty blush at the unspoken implications behind her words.

Then she would agree, with her calmest but most beaming smile, holding back the urge to grab Nini’s hand and sprint all the way to the practice room.

And so Maddox would grab her trumpet to give Nini the starting pitches to her songs (even if she didn’t need them; Nini would always ask and who was she to do anything but oblige?), read all the other lines in her best impression of the characters that always made Nini giggle.

(It was simply the greatest sound in the world, and she would do almost anything to hear it.)

It always started when she pressed her lips together, eyes alight with mirth. And Maddox would take this as a good sign and continue to goof off in her best impression of Harold (which was really just her stereotypical “man” voice, really) until the corners of her lips began to twitch upward. At some point, her smile would become too big to contain and the glimpse of white peeking between her lips would burst into a wide, adoring grin that always made something warm blossom inside her chest, and Maddox would smile back, unable to resist. But she’d keep going, keep reading and switching up her voices until she got a heart-fluttering giggle out of Nini.

Eventually, she would (intentionally) fumble a starting pitch (or a sound effect if they were only going over lines), to which Nini would tip her head ever so slightly and ask her if her lips were dry. Maddox would always nod in response, trying not to seem too excited for what always came next.

Maddox stiffens against the prickling chill that sweeps across her skin at the memory. It stings her heart a little harder than expected, knocks the air out of her lungs for a choking second. Her eyes burn a little bit.

The fingers of her left hand fidget with the valves on her instrument, absentmindedly pushing them up and down, going faster and faster as if it would take her mind off of her. But she finds herself fingering the melodies of last year’s pit music, and she stares numbly as her fingers move as if of their own accord, guided by muscle memory.

God , how she wishes Nini were here now.

She sets down her trumpet and pulls a tube of lip balm from her case, closing her eyes as a chilling wave washes over her. There had been this one particular day…

It’s the day of opening night.

Maddox is arranging her supplies, getting ready for the inevitable chaos that is opening night when the sound of a door slamming open and panicked footsteps reaches her ears.

“Maddie,” Nini gasps out. She looks up. The other girl abruptly comes to a halt before her, breathing hard.

“What’s up, Neens?”

“Okay, so, uh, Emily’s really sick right now. I think she ate something bad, but she can’t stop throwing up.”

“Oh no,” Maddox says, standing up. “Is she okay? Does she, I don’t know, need anything?”

“She’s in bed right now,” Nini says. “But, like, opening night is in, like, four hours!”

“Oh,” she says. “And…”

“And Emily asked me to go on for her.”

Maddox’s eyes widen.

“Yeah,” Nini says. 

“Wow,” she says.

“Help me,” Nini pleads. “How am I supposed to go on for the lead?”

Maddox steps out from behind her table and walks up to Nini. “Hey, look at me. Breathe .”

Nini takes a long breath, exhaling shakily. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

“What have we been doing for the past two weeks? Rehearsing all your lines and songs, right?”

“I guess.”

“And kissing a lot,” Maddox adds, with a grin.

Nini chuckles quietly, tersely, before pulling slightly away to glance behind her. “Yeah.”

Maddox steps forward to close the increased space between them, reaching up to cup Nini’s face. “There’s no one here,” she whispers, when Nini turns her head again, presumably to double-check the room is empty.

“Someone might walk in,” Nini says, but closes her eyes, leans into Maddox’s gentle touch. Maddox sighs quietly.

“Come here, then,” she says, grabbing her trumpet and then pulling Nini out of the barn. Nini extracts her hand from Maddox’s with an apologetic look as they step out into the daylight, and Maddox ignores the pang that strikes her chest as they walk toward the practice rooms, the distance between them gaping and unnatural.

“Your lips dry?” Nini murmurs as she closes the door.

Maddox wants to say no, wants to tell Nini that she doesn’t always need an excuse to kiss her, but she doesn’t know how. So she just hums in acknowledgment and gives Nini a nod. The other girl brightens, rifling through Maddox’s trumpet case for a stick of lip balm.

She’s not even sure if Nini’s trying to fool anyone but herself; she can’t even play trumpet with lip balm and Nini knows this, and yet she applies a generous amount onto herself anyway before carefully capping the tube.

Maddox shivers slightly when Nini steps toward her, so close that she can see her pulse jumping through her chest. She lifts a hand up, lets it brush over Nini’s chin and jaw before sliding up to brush her thumb across the soft skin of her cheek.

Normally, Nini’s breath would catch and then she would give her a semi-uneasy smile at her adoring gaze and look away and then impatiently surge forward to connect their lips.

But this time, Nini’s head tilts into her hand, and she’s gazing at Maddox in a way she’s never seen before. It makes her heart race, to see what undoubtedly her own face must look like reflected on Nini’s.

I love you , her brain says, and it doesn’t even startle her, not at all. But it leaves her warm and buzzing and happy, and maybe this feeling is new, but it feels like home already.

Maddox isn’t sure what’s changed. And maybe it’s nothing to overthink because Nini eventually breaks the moment to close the distance. Their lips touch and butterflies erupt in her gut (as usual), and they kiss and they kiss and they kiss until lip balm is fully slathered on her lips (and the entirety of the lower half of her face).

Nini pulls back first, her nostrils flaring slightly as she fights to keep her heavy breathing contained. Maddox gazes at Nini, wanting her to say something, anything , her breaths shuddering as she drags them in and out, in and out. But Nini just turns away, pulls out a pack of tissues from Maddox’s trumpet case, and it’s suddenly like nothing ever happened.

Maddox grits her teeth through the pang that strikes her heart, a mixture of desire and hurt and frustration.

Flicking her wrist to open up the tissue, Nini turns back to Maddox, and yeah, her heart stutters a little bit when she reaches down to tilt her head up just a little so their eyes meet. Usually, Nini would keep her gaze fixed on her mouth, but today, she meets Maddox’s gaze.

She shivers, and Nini gives her a hesitant smile, and even though her heart is racing, she holds back at the guarded look in Nini’s eyes. Her touch is gentle as she gently lifts her chin, wipes the lip balm off her face until it’s mostly gone.

She watches, unmoving, as Nini lets her hand drop and then folds over the tissue to clean her own face before she discards it in the trash can in the corner of the room.

“Nini,” she says quietly.

“Hmm?” Nini murmurs as she makes her way back over.

I love you , she thinks, but doesn’t say, doesn’t dare to say. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Instead, she asks, “Can I kiss you again?” And even though she expects it, the way Nini blinks, taken aback and a little fearful, makes something unpleasant burn inside of her.

Because God, it’s so confusing. They can kiss when they’re alone and if she never brings it up or uses the word “kiss” because Nini is “not gay” and what they’re doing is just fooling around. 

But it doesn’t feel like fooling around. Not when Nini is climbing into her bed every night and they sleep cuddled up together in the twin-size bunk under the flimsy excuse that she misses her boyfriend, cuddles up close murmuring that the twin bed is too small to sleep with a space between them.

She doesn’t even know how they fell into this habit. She doesn’t even know how they ended up kissing in the first place. But she does remember their first kiss, the day of their first dress rehearsal, all the way back during Nini’s second year, and even if she was just Ensemble, she still needed her makeup done.

And so they were standing quite closely, and Maddox still couldn’t remember how they exactly got into this position, but one second Maddox was staring unabashedly at her freshly painted lips, and the next, Nini was awkwardly crashing their mouths together.

And maybe it was not quite what she expected from a first kiss, but fourteen-year-olds who had never kissed anybody else don’t really know how to kiss, and the initial contact kind of hurt at first, but she didn’t even have time to think about it because Nini was pulling away.

Her heart was thudding so hard in her ears that she was sure that if Nini looked at her chest, it would be visibly pulsating.

“Sorry,” Nini said immediately. “I don’t know what came over me.”

“Okay,” Maddox responded, out of breath, her brain not even working. And then she had mentally slapped herself.

“I’m not… gay,” Nini whispers the last word, then barrels on, and Maddox nodded, trying to slow the racing of her heart by taking slow breaths through her nose. “I have a boyfriend.”

“You have a boyfriend,” Maddox repeated, trying to pretend she was unfazed by the way Nini tiptoes around the word “gay”.

Nini had nodded vigorously. “I… we went to freshman prom together. And,” she swallows. “Yeah.”

Maddox had dipped her head once, pulled out a wipe, and forced away the crushing disappointment slowly sinking like a cold stone in her chest. “Alright. Let me fix your lipstick.”

They had never talked about it again.

And Maddox wants to step away, wants to run from Nini and never look back because she knows she’s probably only going to get her heart broken like she had last year.

To her surprise, Nini nods hesitantly, throat rippling noticeably as she swallows. She’s not the one to initiate it, but Maddox expects that and reaches up to gently take Nini’s face in her hands.

For a second, they stay suspended in that moment, gazing at each other. Maddox waits, waits for Nini to break eye contact first, to look away and then close the gap like she usually does.

But she doesn’t. She releases a shuddering breath and glances down for a second before their eyes meet again. Nini looks a little dazed, and Maddox allows herself a small smile at the potential confirmation that maybe Nini does actually reciprocate her feelings.

She stands up from her chair with a frustrated groan, clenching her fists at the way her heart simultaneously feels like it's going to sing and crumble in her chest. 

But Camp is supposed to be a happy place, a place where she can just let go of anything happening at home with her parents or Jet, and it shouldn’t matter that Nini isn’t here. Maybe she had some good memories with Nini, but she can also have good memories independently of Nini, right?

Maddox shakes herself, jumping up and down a few times as if she can shake it away if she tries hard enough. She picks up her phone, sighing at the last message she had sent Nini in a surge of desperation. There’s no indication that NIni has seen it, but then, Maddox had long ago realized that Nini had probably turned off read receipts for her.

Her alarm goes off in her hand, and she starts. She shakes herself one more time, gives herself time to take one deep breath, and then makes her way outside.

But just in case , she asks Gina where Nini is.

“Maddox, hey,” Gina greets as she bounds up to her. “Or Gadget?”

She shrugs. “Either is fine. But, um, I wanted to ask you…”

Gina tips her head. “Yeah?”

“Why isn’t Nini here?”

Gina brightens. “Oh, you know Nini?”

Maddox nods. “Yeah. She’s been at camp for a few years.”

“She’s actually around here, I think? She went on a road trip to LA for the summer instead of going to camp.”

Maddox feels a twinge in her chest. “So it must be really important to her, huh?”

Gina smiles affectionately as she nods. “Yeah. I think so. The last few months have been… life-changing for her, I think.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah! I don’t know how much you know, but she’s kind of on this whole self-discovery journey. She got the lead in the winter musical and then got accepted to YAC.”

“Ah,” Maddox says. “Yeah, Emily told me they were roommates.”

“Yeah. And then she came back and then wrote this whole song for our performance of Beauty and the Beast , which, by the way, was absolutely incredible . I don’t know if you saw it, but it’s insane how talented that girl is.”

“I did see it,” she says. “She’s really brilliant. Anyone could tell simply by hearing her sing once…”

What she doesn’t say is that when the post had gone viral, she had wanted to scream This is what I’ve been saying , wanted to text Nini again because maybe this time she would be able to fully open herself up, wanted to tell her that she didn’t have hold on to validation from all these boys.

Gina nods enthusiastically letting out a wistful chuckle. “Right? The moment I heard her audition for Gabriella, I knew I had no chance at getting that part.”

Maddox fights to keep a smile constant on her face, even if she begins to feel a twinge of doubt over how Gina gushes over Nini. What if they have something…? But she shakes herself and reminds herself that Gina is one of the only ones who have been nice to her.

“Yeah, anyway. The song went viral, my brother— you know Jamie Porter?” Maddox nods. “Yeah, he liked her song, and now he wants to work with her, and that song and this change in direction of her life kinda made her do some thinking, probably? I haven’t really gotten to look at my phone since we got here, but she was telling me that she got to meet her biological dad, and I’m really happy for her. She really deserves everything the world’s got to offer.”

And Maddox can’t help but think that maybe she can’t compare to Gina with her, who’s also really talented and can sing and dance and act with a famous producer brother— but she pushes that from her mind too.

“Yeah, she really does,” she says softly. She takes a deep breath and meets Gina’s eyes, putting on a smile that isn’t entirely fake. “Thank you.”

Gina looks a little confused. “Yeah, of course. Um, I just wanted to say… I know everyone’s been a little weird-”

“Oh no, I’m used to it. Don’t worry about it,” she interrupts.

Gina sighs. “You shouldn’t be. I know everyone’s really hyperfocused on the fact that Corbin Bleu is here and Ashlyn expected to get a lead role, and it’s just all a mess, so…”

She bounces on her toes, her head bobbing up and down in sort of a nod. “No, I understand. Camp can be really life-changing, you know? It’s easy to get caught up in all of it,” she says.

Maybe a melancholy creeps into her tone or something because Gina frowns a little bit. Maddox straightens up and silently wills the pity to leave Gina’s face.

“You sound like you speak from experience.”

She forces a laugh. “Maybe. Um, thank you so much, Gina, for everything.”

“Yeah, anytime.”

And as she walks away, she thinks to herself that she would understand if they were romantically involved, if Nini liked Gina. And after all, it’s impossible not to love Nini.

Maddox goes to EJ next.

Because the last time they had seen each other, he and Nini were sort of together.

The thought makes something in her chest squeeze.

She remembers opening night last year, how in the morning it had been just her and Nini. And she thought she’d finally gotten somewhere with her, but mere hours later, Nini was looking at EJ all starry-eyed, and maybe he was looking at her the same way and they were dressed as a couple and-

A wave of year-old resentment washes over her as she catches sight of EJ. And he’s her friend, but God , is it easy to make herself hate him for how easily he took Nini from her. 

But she can hardly blame him. After all, all this— this scenario, this whole showmance thing— was honestly right up Nini’s alley, a perfect story in her little hopeless romantic world, and maybe that was why. Maybe Nini did have feelings for her, but was scared, but didn’t think that being with Maddox only in secret would fulfill her little perfect love fantasies. And maybe psychoanalyzing Nini makes her feel better, only if marginally, but it doesn’t change the fact that Nini’s not here now.

“Rocket Man!”

EJ looks up from his binder and his face brightens when he catches sight of her. “Hey, Gadget! What’s up?”

“Nothing much,” she says as nonchalantly as possible. “Was just wondering about Nini. You guys aren’t still together, right?”

He chuckles. “No, no, we’re not still together. I’m with Gina now, actually.” Maddox nods along, but something loosens in her chest. So Nini’s with neither of them. “Nini’s in LA with her moms, didn’t she tell you?”

The question feels like a blow to her chest. Maddox shakes her head, swallowing as if she can shove down the urge to cry again. “I thought she was going to be here,” she just says. “We wanted to be CITs together last year. She didn’t text me.”

In her head, she hears Nini’s bright shout of See you next year! as she climbs into her moms’ car, waving wildly back at her.

She hasn’t really texted me in months , she doesn’t say.

EJ frowns. “I thought you two were, like, really close last year.”

Her eyes burn. She shrugs casually, swallowing hard to force a wave of something like nausea down her throat. You have no idea. “I guess not.”

“Oh. Well, she’s doing this whole self-discovery thing, and honestly, I’m really proud of her.”

“Self-discovery?”

He shrugs. “I don’t really know. You do know she went to YAC, right?” Maddox nods. “Yeah, I guess it was some whole feeling trapped sort of thing.”

“Ah,” she says, giving him a slow nod. “Thanks.”

“Anytime. Hey, you alright, Gadget?”

She flashes him a smile, one that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “Yeah, of course. Thanks, Rocket Man.”

He gives her a thumbs up and his gaze drifts back down to his binder, eyebrows furrowing on his forehead. She purses her lips, watching him mutter to himself for a few seconds before she turns away.

Maddox wanders away from the cabin and into the woods. She picks her way between trees, careful to watch her footing so she doesn’t trip.

A rustle in the trees above her makes her jump, reminds her that she’s not supposed to be here alone. There’s a rule that going beyond the main campground requires traveling with a buddy, but…

God, I can’t stop thinking about her.

She curls her fingers into fists when she sees the trees give way to a clearing, where a lone cabin sits. The nurse’s cabin.

She hadn’t needed to be here since three years ago, since Nini’s first year.

After accidentally hitting the bridge of her nose on her bunk, it had started bleeding. The CIT at the time had asked if anyone wanted to walk her to the nurse’s office.

She still remembers the silence that had met the counselor’s words at first. She had sat there, her nose throbbing, holding up a quickly reddening wad of tissues to her nose.

And then Nini speaks up. “I’ll go!”

And just those two words makes Maddox’s heart soar because maybe she’s finally, successfully made a friend. Nini is new this year, and Maddox had taken the opportunity to take someone her age under her wing, hoping that it would mean finally having someone to hang out with.

The counselor frowns. “Nina, do you know where the nurse’s cabin is?”

“No, but Maddie can show me.”

Maddox can’t really see what’s in front of her very well, with her head ducked down, one hand holding a large ball of tissues to her face, and the other hand pinching the bridge of her nose. But she can feel Nini’s warmth as she walks up to her, can see Nini and her hopeless colorful, layered outfits out of the corner of her eye.

“Alright, then. Stay together. It’s getting dark, and you don’t want to run into anything bad.”

Maddox turns to the girl next to her, suppressing a smile at the way her eyes widen ever so slightly.

“Okay, let’s go,” Maddox says, her voice muffled. Nini nods once, and gently places a hand across her back to steer her to the door.

And at thirteen years old, Maddox is sure of one thing as something in her belly flutters at the guiding touch. That she likes Nini a little more than a friend should.

But it’s okay, because it’s just a crush, and she’ll get over it, right?

(She’s not right, not at all, but she doesn’t know it at the moment.)

They finally make it to the nurse’s office with Maddox’s nasally direction, and Nini’s hand never leaves her shoulder all the way there.

“Oh, no, Maddox, come here,” the nurse says upon catching sight of her, beckoning with a hand. “And who is this?”

“I’m Nini,” the girl says, and Maddox can hear a hesitant smile in her voice.

“Nice to meet you, Nini. Are you new this year?”

Maddox can’t hear Nini respond, but she probably nods, because the nurse hums in acknowledgment. “I hope you’re enjoying it here.”

“I am.”

“Here, let me see,” the nurse says as she walks up to Maddox, gently pulling the tissues away from her nose. She waits for a second and when nothing much happens, she hands Maddox another few tissues.

“Nini, come here. Can you keep this ice pack on Maddox’s face? Just a little under her forehead. The bleeding has mostly stopped, but it’ll help.”

Nini nods vigorously and takes the frozen sponge in a plastic bag.

“Alright, girls. Sit down right here. Let me go write this down.”

Nini hesitantly pulls up a chair next to Maddox, and gives her a little smile.

She blinks as the cold touches her face and closes her eyes when the bag brushes against her eyelashes. It’s freezing, but she can feel the warmth of Nini’s fingers, or maybe she’s imagining them, but it makes her cheeks feel hot.

“Here, let me,” Nini says when Maddox stretches out her fingers, which ache from holding her nose for too long. Before she can protest, Nini’s thumb and pointer finger gently pinch the bridge of her nose, pressing their hands together.

And as much as Maddox would like to keep their hands touching, she shifts the hand holding the tissue lower to cover her mouth just slightly to hide the small smile that twitches on her lips.

“Thank you,” she mumbles, her face definitely red, but if Nini asks, she’ll blame it on the cold ice pack.

“No problem,” Nini says quietly.

The nurse comes back in after a few minutes, and moves their hands away to peer at Nini.

“Looks good. Stay here until the ice pack melts, and then you two can head back. Maddox, come wash your hands.”

They nod in sync, and Maddox tosses the bloodied tissues into the trash can. After washing and drying her hands, she sits back down, and Nini hands her back the sponge.

She takes it back with a wordless smile, feeling it give slightly under her fingers.

They sit in silence, Maddox adjusting the sponge on her nose every minute or so, looking at Nini from the corner of her eye.

“Thank you for coming with me,” she says at last, wincing at how awkwardly it comes out.

“Yeah, no problem,” Nini says. Her legs are swinging in the chair, her hands tucked under her thighs, and Maddox finds it kind of cute.

“Why’d you volunteer to come?”

Nini stills, giving her a weird look. “What do you mean?”

Maddox shrugs. “People usually don’t like me very much.”

“What?” Nini sounds so genuinely shocked that it makes her smile, something warm stirring in her chest.

“As the older kids say when they think I’m not listening, I’m a bit of an acquired taste. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I don’t have many friends.”

Nini is silent for a moment. “Well, I like you.”

Maddox laughs, and she doesn’t bother to try and hide the beaming grin that splits her face. Affection bubbles up inside her, and yeah, maybe this should’ve been the moment she knew. “Thank you.”

It’s silent for a bit more, and at this point, the sponge is fully melted, but Maddox is torn between wanting to stay here in their little bubble and returning to camp.

“Friends?” Nini suddenly asks, and Maddox lowers the sponge from her nose. Nini’s face flushes a pretty pink, and the tip of her shoe scuffs the ground.

“Yeah,” Maddox responds with a grin. “I’d like that.”

And with that, Maddox hands the sponge back, and they leave the cabin, walking side by side.

By now, it’s dark, but the faint glow of the moon above them and the cabin behind them are the only visible sources of light.

She wants to say something to break the weird silence between them, but she’s never been a good conversation starter, even if she can babble on for hours. She glances over at Nini periodically, but the other girl never looks at her, at least not from what she can tell. She swallows constantly, strangely aware that there’s too much saliva in her mouth or that her heartbeat is pulsing a little too quickly in the tips of her fingers that she presses into her thigh to fight the urge to reach her hand out just enough to brush Nini’s

And then something rustles behind them. Maddox doesn’t think much of it at first because, well, they’re in the woods. But it’s followed by a snap of wood, and Maddox’s head whips up to find Nini staring right at her, eyes wide.

“Probably just an animal,” she says, but there’s a slight huffing noise, and they both turn around to find a very recognizable silhouette not too far from them.

“Is that a bear?” Nini whispers, fascinated

“I think so,” Maddox says.

“It’s kind of cute,” Nini says.

“It is,” she agrees, watching it sniff around.

And then it lumbers closer toward them, glancing up just enough to see the glow of its eyes, and Nini squeaks.

Maddox’s heart is suddenly racing, and her breath catches slightly when she finds Nini’s hand in hers.

“Um, what do we do when we see a bear again?”

“I’ve been here for, like, three years, and I’ve never seen a bear. I don’t think anyone’s seen a bear. Except Dewey. Like fifteen years ago. There’s not many bears here. At least when we’re here. I don’t think.”

She’s rambling because she’s nervous and it’s definitely not just because of the bear looking curiously at them.

“Um, let’s just… turn around. And walk slowly away,” Nini says. “I don’t think it’ll hurt us if we don’t look or act like a threat.”

Maddox is glad Nini’s being rational here because her brain is running at a thousand miles per hour and the singular thought whirling around is that she’s holding a pretty girl’s hand.

(Even if she’s probably straight. And she wouldn’t assume, but she had spoken about her friend Ricky multiple times, and Nini probably had a crush on him or something.)

“Alright,” she breathes. “That sounds… smart.”

“I may have read a few wilderness survival thingies before I came. Just in case.”

Maddox laughs. God, she’s adorable. Of course she did. “At least you came prepared.”

And so they turn around and continue up the path, occasionally glancing behind them. Eventually, the light of the camp makes things a little more visible, and Maddox looks at Nini.

Her gaze is fixed on the floor in front of them, her feet scuffling audibly on the dirt.

So she looks away, knowing that Nini can probably see her out of the corner of her eye.

And she’s not even sure who starts it, but as soon as they break into the clearing where their cabins are, they speed up until they’re running back to the Honeycomb, their hands linked the entire time.

They pause at the entrance, both breathless and giggling slightly, and Maddox looks at Nini, whose face practically glows in the light above the door.

She has a sudden urge to kiss her, but she mentally squashes it under her foot, and grins at Nini.

Nini smiles hesitantly back and then opens the door. Everyone is getting ready for bed and more than one person looks at their joined hands, so they let go. And Maddox isn’t really sure who lets go first, but the slightly cold feeling it leaves tells her that she needs to get over Nini as soon as possible.

But as she settles into her bunk that night, she listens to Nini shifting in the bunk above her, her cheeks sore with an unfamiliar, but pleasant ache. She pokes at her cheek and allows her lips to bloom into a full smile as she recalls holding hands with Nini.

That night, Maddox can’t sleep. She listens to the slight creak of the bunk as Gina shifts in the bed above her, and she tries to picture Nini, tries to remember Nini quietly climbing down the ladder to sleep in her bed.

She doesn’t want to miss her, but in the cold, dead silence of night, it’s hard to ignore the yawning hole of loneliness.

To her credit, it does get easier over the course of two weeks, even if certain camp traditions bring back a wave of nostalgia laced with a little bit of hurt, even if she catches Nini’s name in similar-sounding words and it makes her heart tumble.

It’s easy to throw herself into her work as they come closer to the musical, especially with Jet momentarily distracting her from Nini (or the lack of Nini) with more annoying things to think about or Corbin Bleu and Channing driving everyone insane with their insatiable demand for drama.

She’s out building and painting sets for hours at a time every day, helping to put together or buy costumes. And then there’s Color War, and Maddox is pretty sure she’s sort of friends with the other Wildcats now, and even Jet is putting enough effort into these camp traditions to make her happy, and it’s almost silly that Maddox was so thrown off at Nini not being here.

Camp Prom comes quickly, and it’s an exciting and upbeat day, with everyone scrambling to get ready and take pictures.

And even if she’s only really had Nini in the past, she’s got a lot of friends who hype her up today, and it keeps a constant smile on her face, enough so that her cheeks are happily sore by the time the sun begins to set.

The day had been left entirely free so that campers could take their time to prepare for the dance, spending time doing whatever high schoolers usually did to prepare for prom.

Maddox hears cheering coming from the practice rooms, and she pokes her head to see Ricky sitting on the floor with three empty pizza boxes next to him, looking nauseous.

His entire cabin huddled around him, cheering him on, and she just shakes her head and feels a little nauseous herself, smiling to herself as she ducks back out.

Kourtney offers to do her hair, and she declines politely, but as she sits down on her bunk as watches her friend effortlessly help people with their makeup and hair, she grudgingly admits a few things to herself.

One, that the only reason she hasn’t put her hair up at camp is because Nini used to do it. And maybe if she lets Kourtney do it now, it kind of stops being their thing. Even if Nini isn’t here.

And two, that she really wishes Nini were here. While she's doing her best to have fun without Nini, it’s still really, really hard not to think of her and fantasize about dancing with her at Camp Prom, even if it was just like last year.

Last year, Nini and Maddox had been standing outside, looking through the door, as the first slow song had come on, and people had begun to either pair off or leave the center of the dance floor.

“Man, people are actually going to slow dance,” Nini says as she peers inside. “I could never have the guts to just ask someone.”

“Aren’t you glad they stopped forcing people to dance together?” Maddox says in lieu of an actual response. “Before you came, they had this weird, horribly heteronormative tradition where the CITs would drag all the campers in and pair up every girl with a guy and make them dance.”

“Why’d they stop?”

Maddox shrugs. “Drama, probably. Dunno what they expected of a bunch of theater kids.” She swallows, and then says as casually as possible, “Wanna go in?”

“Sure,” Nini says, to her surprise. “I don’t really want to dance with anyone, but like, we can put our arms around each other and, like, sway.”

“Alright,” Maddox says, her heart jumping in her throat. “I’ll dance with you,” she says quietly as Nini leads her in with her hand gently around her wrist.

And maybe she expected too much, because Nini slides one arm around her shoulders, and they sway side to side to A Thousand Years as Nini sings, a slight smile on her face.

She waves over a few other people, and yeah, Maddox should’ve expected this, so she just takes it in stride, singing along under her breath.

And then before she really has time to process it, the dance is over.

Maddox didn’t even get to dance with Nini— really dance with Nini, and now she’s just left staring a little forlornly as they head outside and continue the night with more camp traditions.

And because she’s feeling a little cowardly that night, she doesn’t say anything, just lets it happen with a sigh of resignation. Next year, she tells herself.

Maddox drags a hairbrush through her hair over and over again until it meets no resistance. The strands slip like silk through her fingers, and for a moment she wonders if she can…

She swallows back the inward objects from her stupid sentimental side and separates her hair into two sections. She takes the left in her fingers and twists them into a braid, securing it with a hair tie.

She turns toward the mirror and bites back a huff that is a mixture between a laugh and a shaky sigh. Another reason why she hadn’t tried to do her own hair is because it looks like shit every time.

So she tugs out the rubber band and rakes the comb through her hair until it’s straight again. Good enough.

When she heads over to the barn, she has to stop and stare for a long moment, taking in the decorations, the lights, everything. A wave of nostalgia crashes over her. It’s the same every year, and maybe this year, there’s a slight hint of emptiness where Nini should be, but a small smile still twitches onto her face nevertheless.

Maddox stands at the edge of the room where most people are, unsure of how to approach this. When she was younger, it was always awkward, and she would never actually go to the dance because she didn’t want to dance with the boys, but the girls didn’t really want to dance with her. So she usually would be raiding the boys’ cabins with a few other girls her age who didn’t really like dancing.

But this year, it feels a little juvenile, and Gina, Ashlyn, and Kourtney are at the photo booth and she doesn’t want to interrupt them, and Carlos is dancing with someone she’s never seen before. EJ is staring straight into his binder and Ricky is staring at Gina, not even trying to be subtle.

But Jet is standing by himself as well, and she thinks back to this enthusiasm at Color War, doing that for her , and Maddox suddenly has an idea that might result in public humiliation but also might just work.

So she asks the DJ to stop the music and give her a mic, and then everyone’s looking at her.

Maddox has never really been a fan of the spotlight, hence her comfortable place in the crew, but when Jet jumps in on the other part, she’s reminded of just how much she enjoys singing. And even more, singing with her brother.

Everyone is cheering and dancing, and Maddox is smiling wide like she tends to do at camp, like there’s happiness coursing through her veins, and Jet is harmonizing with her in front of a whole crowd of people, and really, nothing could make right now any better.

Well, almost nothing.

And it’s almost funny, how much of a tunnel-vision, everything-going-quiet, all-the-spotlights-on-her movie moment it is when she steps into her line of vision.

It’s that moment in a movie when every point of light in the room seems to gather at a single point, leaving everything else mere background, when time slows down and all she can hear is the frantic thumping of her heart in her ears.

And Carlos and his friend— more than a friend, maybe?— are bounding toward the stage, so she gratefully lets the mic slip from her hands, and yeah, okay okay okay this is not a drill.

She practically stumbles off the stage, eyes fixed right in front of her, unblinking as if she might disappear if she blinks for too long. It feels like there’s too much air in her chest, but she’s not really sure if she can let it out, suspended in this long moment of breathlessness that’s not too uncharacteristic for the effect she has on her.

And then suddenly, she’s in front of her.

She can vaguely register Jet singing along to Carlos and the other kid, and the only thing that would make it more of a surreal movie moment is if soft piano music were to start playing. At least, that’s the direction she hopes this is going.

Maddox draws in more air, half aware that she probably looks completely dazed at the moment, her mouth parted in a state of shock she’s still overcoming.

“Nini,” she says, or tries to say, but it comes out like a voiceless rush of air, a name she hasn’t said so long it feels barely formed on her tongue.

“Maddox,” Nini says quietly, and her heart stutters at the sound of her own name on the other girl’s lips, for the first time in too long.

And no one says anything else.

There are people dancing around them, but definitely giving them a wide berth as Maddox stands gawking at the first and only girl she’s ever loved.

The past tense feels weird. Loves, still. 

Maybe. 

…Fuck.

She wills Nini to say something because her own thoughts are still scrambling to right themselves, and when she doesn’t, she opens her mouth, not really sure what’s going to pour out.

Nini begins, “I’m sorry. I know I was really- I didn’t- I was-”

“I, um, I missed you,” she says, all in a rush, and then slaps herself mentally.

They both smile at each other sheepishly, unsure of where to go and what to say next.

“We need to talk, don’t we?” Nini breathes.

She nods. “After? Dance with me.”

Maddox is fully prepared for Nini to hesitate, to pull away and glance around, but she doesn’t.

“I feel horribly underdressed,” Nini wrinkles her nose, glancing down at herself.

“You knew there was going to be a 70s-themed prom. I think that’s your problem,” she says, and Nini huffs in faux indignation.

They stand there, unmoving, uncertain.

“You’re beautiful, though,” Maddox says, and Nini’s whole expression seems to soften, and it’s like the ground lurches under her feet when her eyes crinkle with the width of her smile. She’s getting a little bit of déjà vu.

“Thank you,” Nini says shyly.

“Can I have this dance?” Maddox asks half-jokingly, reaching out a hand.

“Yes,” Nini whispers, and as Maddox’s hands curl lightly around the back of her neck, Nini’s hands settle hesitantly on her waist.

“Did you get taller?” she wonders, and Nini gives her a lopsided smile. “This is so not fair!”

And just as their luck will have it, the song ends, a single word left hanging in the air after the music stops.

“Come on,” Maddox mutters. 

“Nope. Not letting this happen. Wait here,” Nini tells her, and pulls away to jog over to the DJ.

She tells her something, and both of them glance at her. She tips her head at Nini, who winks at her. Her cheeks flare with warmth, and holy shit time and distance had not desensitized her to Nini’s potency at all , and the fact that she’s doing this in front of everyone…

Nini runs back, grinning, reaching out for her.

And then the song starts again, the recognizable drum and guitar beat making Nini giggle slightly.

“Let’s try this again,” Nini says, and Maddox doesn’t even realize how hard she’s grinning until she’s no longer able to keep it contained behind her lips.

And it’s Nini who pulls her in first, hands gentle on her waist. It is scorching through her layers of clothes, and it makes something trip and fall in her chest.

“Come closer,” she murmurs, and Maddox shifts forward until they’re almost pressed against each other, letting her head fall onto Nini’s shoulder. They move ever-so-slightly, swaying to the gentle beat of the music.

She glances around, knowing that people are probably watching them, and it makes something melt inside of her that Nini’s not shying away now. She catches her brother’s eye, and he gives her a thumbs up. She grins at him.

Nini hums along to the song, so quietly only Maddox can hear. She had never forgotten how beautiful her voice was, but hearing it so close to her ear now, it makes her shiver.

She lifts her head to look at Nini, who doesn’t take her eyes off her, smiling gently at her when their eyes meet.

When the second verse starts, their dance becomes less of an intimate thing and a little more playful. Nini takes hold of one of her hands and twirls her, mirth sparkling in her eyes as they come back together. She can’t stop a pleased little giggle, and the resulting quirk of Nini’s lips makes warmth flutter within her.

I’ve loved you three summers now, honey, but I want ‘em all, Nini mouths the lyric and gives her a wink that makes something flip inside her.

Oh. Oh my God.

The only thing she could do to express the feelings surging within would be to scream, but that’s not quite appropriate in public, so she just lets a smile explode on her face. Nini has barely been here five minutes, but she feels like her cheek muscles are most definitely going to be aching by the end of the night, pulled to the limit by the sheer width of her smiles.

She searches Nini’s eyes for any sign of uncertainty, of anything that she used to see in Nini’s eyes every time she had kissed her last year, but the serene certainty within them is almost startling.

“For real?” she asks quietly.

Nini nods.

“What changed?”

Nini purses her lips, contemplative, and then just shrugs. “I’ll tell you everything later. Dance with me now.”

She hums with acknowledgment, so giddy she feels like a middle schooler dancing with her crush for the first time. Which is pretty much what’s happening, so… she’ll just allow herself this.

Nini sings along to the song as it jumps into the bridge, and Maddox sings with her.

“I forgot how much I love hearing you sing,” she tells Maddox. “I heard your voice when I walked in and I thought I was dreaming.”

“Am I dreaming?” she says in response. “This is happening, right? This is real.”

“Very much so,” Nini says, suddenly looking nervous. “This is okay, right?”

Maddox hums, wishing she could stay stuck in this blissful moment forever. “More than okay.”

“Good,” Nini sighs.

“Are you? With everyone around and stuff.”

Nini nods. “I… let’s just say I learned some new things over this last year. Accepted some things.”

“I’m proud of you,” she tells Nini.

“Thanks. That means a lot.”

The song draws to a close and they sigh, movements slowing to a stop.

“I’m going to admit that I watched so many tutorials on how to dance, like, all the way here,” Nini says, not moving.

The air still thrums with the weight of the silence that follows the song.

“Paid off,” Nini adds.

Maddox lets her hand drift, brushes her fingers lightly across Nini’s jaw.

She sees the other girl’s jaw clench slightly, her head twitching back ever-so-slightly, as if fighting off a shiver. She lets her gaze drop, from where she’s meeting Nini’s eyes, down to her lips.

“Maddie,” Nini sucks in an audible breath.

She’s biting back a delighted grin at the look in the taller girl’s eyes. Nini may still have a terrifying effect on her, but at least it’s reciprocated.

The lights in the barn flick on, but Maddox pays them no mind. They remain loosely entangled, and Maddox reaches up, brushing her thumb across Nini’s chin, tilts her head up slightly so that they’re closer.

And yeah, maybe it’s not the best time to pull anything because they haven’t really talked yet, but Maddox is finding it really difficult to clear her head and pull away. So she’s equal parts grateful and disgruntled when EJ’s voice startles the both of them apart.

“Yo, Nini, is that you?”

They both jump, and Nini turns in the direction of the voice, eyes lighting up. “EJ! Or- Rocket Man!”

Most of the people are leaving now, chattering with their friends as they head outside, some leaving to their cabins and others ready to continue the traditional prom night activities.

He walks over, still holding his binder in one hand, and sweeps Nini into a hug. Maddox feels a slight twinge of satisfaction when they don’t linger. “We missed you this summer.”

She smiles wistfully. “I know. But I had some things to do and figure out.”

EJ nods. “You’re not coming back, are you?” he says.

Wait, what?

“To East High?” She clarifies, and he nods. “Yeah. It’s been a crazy summer.” Her following sigh feels like she’s releasing the burden of the world off her shoulders.

Oh.

“I can tell,” he says. “You look sorta different. I wouldn’t say older, but… more mature?”

Nini laughs, and even if it’s not directed at her, Maddox still melts at the sound she hasn’t heard in too long. “I know what you mean. Maybe just… life changing, you know? The last two months were really eye-opening for me.”

“I’m glad,” he says, “You had a chance to say hi to everyone else yet?”

Nini shakes her head. “Came straight to, well, make amends with this one.” Her gaze softens when she turns to Maddox. Shoving her hands further down her pockets, she shuffles a bit, meeting Nini’s affectionate look with an involuntary smile.

EJ glances between the two of them now. “So, forgive me if I’m assuming things, but you two were… are?... something…”

Maddox meets Nini’s gaze, and even if she’s expecting it, her heart misses a beat when Nini nods, truly acknowledging that what they had last summer was real.

“Ah,” he says. “I had a feeling.”

Maddox sputters, “Then why did you and her-” She waves her arms incomprehensibly, not really sure how to end that sentence.

He gives her an awkward smile, sheepish. “Well, I didn’t know at the time. And some,” he gestures inarticulately mouth opening and closing as if creating and discarding half-formed words, “other things that I… still need to face,” he says at last.

Maddox wants to press, but there’s a note of finality to his voice as if he isn’t willing to elaborate.

“Let’s clean up,” he adds afterward, and the three of them nod.

“This is what you missed out on as a CIT,” Maddox tells Nini as they go clean up what can be taken down at the moment. “We get to do all the labor and busy work.”

Nini bumps her shoulder gently, and the expression on her face is uncharacteristically soft in a way that makes something flutter in her. “Couldn’t have been that bad if it would’ve been spending more time with you.”

Maddox’s face goes warm and so does her entire body, and she finds herself meeting EJ’s gaze. He’s laughing silently at her as he stacks cups into the punch bowl. Shut up, she mouths, but she’s smiling.

She nudges Nini back, feeling her own expression soften as she meets Nini’s gaze. She wants nothing more than to kiss her right now, but they haven’t talked.

“You two!” EJ calls, already exasperated. ”Gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes later, clean up now!”

Nini jumps away with red in her cheeks, spluttering out something incomprehensible. But she reaches out and lets her fingers catch on her fingers, lingering for a second before she heads over to EJ’s table to help him.

Yeah, and if she has to bite down on an overexcited squeal, so what?

Her cheeks are warm, and she looks up to meet EJ’s eyes. He shakes his head, looking amused.

As they clean up, Maddox and EJ take turns telling Nini what camp was like this year, about newbie induction night and auditions and Color War and the Corbin Bleu Disney Plus documentary, and Nini listens intently, nodding every once in a while with a wistful look in her eyes.

“I wish I could’ve been here,” Nini says as they step out into the warm night air, hands somehow feeling simultaneously dusty and sticky from the cleanup. EJ bids them goodbye with a salute and a firm look at the both of them, and they watch as he bounds off toward his campers.

“But you had… more life-changing things, right?”

Nini nods.

“Tell me about it,” Maddox encourages.

“Okay,” Nini says, taking a deep breath. Nini automatically turns toward the Honeycomb, so Maddox follows. “Um, first of all, sorry for never texting you back. It’s been a crazy year, and I didn’t know what to say or if I was still welcome.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it. It’s alright. It’s okay. All’s well that ends well, right?”

“No,” Nini says with a slight edge of hysteria, wringing her hands together. “It’s not okay. I pulled you into this weird situationship I couldn’t commit to, and then practically ghosted you all year because I was scared. That’s not- that’s not okay. You must’ve felt so abandoned.”

Maddox reaches out and clasps one of Nini’s hands between her own, and they both slow to a stop. “Sometimes,” she admits. “But I know how terrifying it is to come out. Especially to yourself when you don’t know how everyone around you is going to react. 

“I didn’t have a chance to do it on my own terms because Jet accidentally outed me to my parents. And they didn’t really care, which was incredible, but you never know.”

“I literally have two moms though,” Nini says and she blinks quickly, looking away.

Maddox reaches up to curl a finger under Nini’s chin, gently tugging her head closer so she can look back at her. Nini’s breath stutters audibly. “We all have our own battles to face and internalized homophobia is a bitch . I’m glad you could do it on your own terms.”

Nini takes a deep breath and then lets her chin fall out of Maddox’s grasp, hanging limply against her chest before she straightens up again. Something in her chest twinges, but Nini squeezes her hand, gazes up at her through long eyelashes and a sheen of tears, and it smoothes out instantly.

“I guess,” she says quietly. “I guess it took leaving home where nobody knew me. Except Emily. It was some crazy twist of fate or something, but we were roommates at YAC, and then… I don’t know how it happened, but we started talking about camp, and she was talking about having a crush on Val when she was younger.”

Maddox grins. “We all had a crush on Val at some point.”

“Seriously,” Nini says, amusement glimmering in her eyes. “Woah, that’s crazy to admit out loud.”

“I’m proud of you,” Maddox says.

“Thank you,” Nini responds quietly, and her thumb traces the soft skin on the back of Maddox’s hand. “Anyway- I was seized by that crazy surreal feeling when you hear the word gay , y’know? Like when you don’t expect to hear it so you just have this visceral reaction and panic for a second because you don’t know if it’s being used in a good or bad context.” Maddox nods, knowing that feeling all too well. 

“And then I blurted out same , and then was like, completely mortified because I’d never admitted to something like that, and it was completely spontaneous, and I was like holy shit , I just came out on accident, but at that point, I hadn’t even fully come out to myself, and I felt like I was having a heart attack.

“And then Emily goes— get this— she’s like, oh, really? I thought you and Maddox were together.”

Maddox’s heart soars at that because even if this isn’t Nini really entertaining that idea, she’s at least verbally acknowledging it. “Oh,” she says and has to force down that glimmer of satisfaction because Nini’s telling her story.

“Yeah. And then I was internally freaking out then because at that point I was still dating Ricky-”

“Woah, woah, woah, you dated Ricky again?”

Nini nods sheepishly. “I thought I was… I don’t know, saving something. It was safe. I didn’t have all these- all these crazy thoughts about- about you when I was throwing myself at him. And he had this huge, movie-moment confession when we were still coming off the high of being Troy and Gabriella, and it was something I dreamed about my whole life, and so I took him back.”

Maddox squeezes her hand, unable to find words to respond, and Nini squeezes it back.

“And then I think Emily could tell I was freaking out at that point because all I could say was that I had a boyfriend who loved me. And then she looked at me quizzically and said, ‘But do you love him?’”

Maddox raises her eyebrows, and an incredulous laugh falls from her lips. “Damn.” 

Nini laughs, a trembling, soggy huff. “Yeah. And I did. I really did love Ricky, just… never in the way I needed to. I didn’t sleep that night, and this one song I wrote about wanting love that was never enough for me was stuck in my head, and I kept asking myself that question, and I kept telling myself yes , but it just kept popping up in my head. And my brain was like, So why did you write that song? And it was just a mess.”

“That’s a hell of a story, if I have to be honest,” Maddox says. “More fulfilling than a cliche fairy tale ending, I’d think.”

“Oh, definitely,” Nini says. “After his huge I love you confession, I was over the moon. I was like, I’m going to write this story someday and tell my kids and grandkids because it’s insane that it happened. And then Emily saying that was the last straw, and I was pissed at myself that I had this whole romance moment, and I couldn’t feel something real . I went through all five stages of grief, honestly.”

Maddox opens up her arms, and Nini melts into them with a shaky sigh. She holds the other girl tightly as if it’ll make up for lost time, closes her eyes and inhales her breathtakingly familiar scent. Her chest aches. “I’m so proud of you,” Maddox tells her again. “I’m really happy for you.”

Nini smiles, mouth wide, eyes bright and shimmering. “Me too.”

“Hey!” The two of them jump apart, startled, but don’t let go of each other’s hands. It’s Dewey, and they’re momentarily blinded by a bright beam of light that passes over their faces. “Oh hey, Maddox. Nina?”

“Hi.” Nini waves.

“Didn’t think we’d be seeing you this year. Glad to have you here.”

“Thank you,” she says, and tames her smile into something more casually friendly. “Didn’t think I’d be back, either.”

He nods awkwardly. “Anyway, I hope you girls realize it’s really late. Maddox, you should probably be with your campers. I know it’s prom night, but tomorrow’s opening night, and everyone needs to be well-rested.”

She nods. “Alright. We were just heading back. Good night.”

“Goodnight, girls.” The beam of his flashlight turns to the floor, and the counselor leaves, feet scuffing on the pavement.

They walk, hand-in-hand, back to the Honeycomb, where light still filters through the blinds. They stop in front of it in a half-amiable silence, Maddox a little too aware of the air entering and exiting her lungs. Nini’s jaw falls in a yawn, and when she turns her gaze back to Maddox, her eyes glimmer.

“You’re staying here tonight, right?” she says at last. “We have a few open bunks. It’s not- There’s someone above me, but…”

“Yeah, that’s okay,” Nini says with a half-smile. “Let’s go in.”

Maddox reaches out to knock, but her hand stills inches away from the door as a sudden thought occurs to her. “I have to ask,” she says, turning back to Nini with her heart high in her throat. “Is there… is there anyone else?”

Nini’s eyes widen and she shakes her head vigorously. “No.” And then her expression softens and she says, “There’s never been, actually. Not Ricky. Or EJ.”

She finds herself smiling softly, her mouth muscles almost trembling from the exertion in the last half hour. “In case you were wondering, I don’t have… I don’t- there’s no one else either,” she finishes lamely.

“Good,” Nini says, and then turns her head away to glance at Maddox coyly through the corner of her eye.

Maddox refuses to react at the insinuation, but her cheeks and lungs and heart don’t really cooperate. “Okay,” she says dumbly. “Okay.”

Nini laughs and knocks on the door a couple of times, and at the chorus of come in! , she pushes the door open. Maddox inclines her head inside, nodding for Nini to go in first.

“Nini!” Kourtney jumps up from her bunk, narrowly missing the top bunk with her head.

At the sound of her name, Nini melts into a beaming grin and pulls away from Maddox, fingers brushing until the very last moment. She’s partly relieved (because her palms are sweaty), partly disappointed (because she liked holding Nini’s hand for the world to see), and partly giddy (because Nini waited until the last possible second to disconnect their hands in front of everyone).

She wipes her palms discreetly on her pants and then plops down on her bunk, watching as all the girls from East High rush to hug their friend.

“Maddox, get in,” Gina says, waving one hand over, and her idly fond smile bursts into one that makes her face hurt.

“Yeah, you’re one of us now,” Ashlyn adds, and it makes warmth bubble up inside of her. 

Nini is looking at her, eyes wide and soft with adoration, and Maddox would give anything for Nini to look at her like that forever. “I’m so glad you guys got along,” she mumbles as she tugs Maddox in next to her. “My favorite people in the world. I missed you guys so much.”

“We missed you, too,” they say together, breaking out into soft giggles. Maddox presses her head onto Nini’s shoulder, squeezes her waist closer as if to silently echo the sentiment. Their gazes meet, and Nini swallows.

The hug disperses, and Nini is left standing in the middle with her eyes wide with awe, gazing around the cabin, drinking in the familiar sights with the new faces. “I’d never thought I would see you guys here.”

“EJ told us there would be a surprise celebrity, so here we are,” Ashlyn says with a shrug. Gina nods in agreement.

“I never thought I would even be at a theater camp,” Kourtney says.

“And now you’re playing the lead in the first student production of Frozen ,” Nini says. “I’m so proud of you, Kourt.” Nini’s eyes are glistening as she gazes at her friends. She sniffs.

“Aww, what’s up?” Gina says, a hand smoothing over her shoulder. 

Nini’s gaze flickers up to the taller girl, and her posture breaks a little bit, a watery, shaky laugh falling from her lips. “Nothing, nothing. I’m just glad to see you guys tonight. You guys mean the world to me, and I’m so, so grateful to have known you.”

“Nini, that sounds like a goodbye,” Ashlyn ventures.

Nini just wipes her eyes with the back of her hand and straightens up, looking more tired than ever. “I’ll be here tomorrow,” she says softly. “Is there an open bunk I can stay in?”

You can stay in mine , Maddox wants to say, can’t find the courage to force the words out. With me. Like we used to. She doesn’t even know if Nini wants to, with all her school friends here.

Maddox points her to an empty bunk on the opposite side of the cabin, and Nini nods, gaze flickering behind her for a second. She doesn’t get her hopes up.

“Tell us about your summer!” Ashlyn says, just as Nini’s hand flies to her mouth to conceal a yawn.

“I hate to be the responsible counselor,” Maddox butts in, and Nini shoots her a grateful look. “But it’s time to sleep. We got a musical to put on tomorrow.”

Gina whoops softly and pumps her fist. Ashlyn nods in agreement and murmurs a quiet apology, and they disperse to their bunks to change out of their prom attire.

When all of them are in their pajamas and finishing up in the bathroom, Maddox drifts over to Nini’s bunk. Nini stands up a little too abruptly, but Maddox doesn’t want to take a step back because it might come across the wrong way. They’re left standing with an awkward amount of space in them, and Maddox looks down at her hands, tugging at her fingers.

“Uh, I just wanted to say…” she says fumblingly. Come sleep in my bunk? she screams in her head, as if Nini can somehow read her mind because she doesn’t know how to say it out loud. Her face is warm, too warm. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” is all that comes out.

“See you tomorrow,” Nini replies, expression uncertain as they stand there, way too close to each other.

Maddox glances at her bare bunk, where Nini’s jacket is folded neatly at the head. “Do you, uh, need a blanket?”

She shrugs, her gaze flicking behind Maddox almost imperceptibly. “I’m okay. It’s only one night, and it’s warm.”

“Okay,” she says, but her voice doesn’t work. Her face flares hot, and she lurches backward a little bit. Nini sits down. Maddox turns around, and everyone is focused somewhere else, maybe a little awkwardly as if they were watching.

“Wait,” Nini says in a rush, and Maddox whirls backward instantly, hope exploding like fire in her chest.

“Yeah?” Maddox says a little too loudly.

“I just…” Nini licks her lips, bouncing on the balls of her feet. “Goodnight.”

The flame flickers and diminishes.

And then Nini darts forward to kiss her on the cheek a little too suddenly and it catches the corner of her mouth, and Maddox just stands there, red-faced and frustrated in the middle of the cabin as Nini climbs into bed and faces the wall.

So she just heads back to her bunk, throws open the covers, and then pulls the corner tightly under her chin, ignoring the weird looks from everyone else. Dammit.

After a few moments, something clicks, and then they’re plunged into virtually complete darkness. Maddox frowns and strains to see Nini across the room. There is a shuddering sigh, and Maddox nibbles at her bottom lip, contemplating for a second.

And then she vaults herself out of bed, pads carefully across the cabin, and flicks on the bathroom light. The room is bathed yellow for a second and Maddox squints as she is momentarily blinded. She reaches in to close the door until there is a tiny slit that just barely lets light through. She hopes no one else minds.

She returns to her bed and slips back in, glancing over at Nini. She gives her a small smile. Maddox gives her an awkward thumbs up, and then closes her eyes.

But she doesn’t slip easily into sleep like she usually does. She’s warm, and everything feels fine, and the light doesn’t bother her, but she doesn’t drift off. She imagines a blank space in her head, black nothing, and shuts her eyes tightly. She begins to count imaginary sheep.

Around 700 (and a few times losing her place and starting over), her mind wanders. A faint rustling from the opposite side of the cabin tells her someone else is awake. Maybe it’s Nini. But she keeps her eyes shut.

In her mind’s eye, she fantasizes what would happen if she had asked Nini to sleep in her bunk earlier. They would lay face-to-face, only inches apart, legs brushing under the blanket. They would whisper to each other, mouths barely moving, every word hardly a whisper of breath. Maybe Nini would kiss her, trace her fingers carefully across Maddox’s cheek and leave a heated blush in its wake.

And then when they were finally too tired to talk, maybe Maddox would turn over, wriggling until she’s flush against Nini. It would take her a minute of breathing deeply to fight the goofy smile and heat swirling through her body, but eventually she would relax, with Nini’s arm a comfortable weight over her waist.

Maddox reaches out blindly for the phone by her head, and then with a faint sigh of resignation, checks that her alarm is set to vibrate instead of a sound that will wake everyone else up. It’s set to the rhythm of her bugle call, so she tucks it so it’s just next to her pillow, plugged into the charger. It’s two in the morning now.

She turns around, blinks her eyes until the dark rectangle in the shape of her phone screen disappears. Her gaze meets Nini’s.

The other girl shifts in her bed, and without a fitted sheet to soften the mattress, the scrape of her skin against it is quite audible. Maddox sticks a hand out of her blanket and waves.

Nini waves back with a small smile.

Maddox beckons, her hand flapping wildly at the wrist, and hopes that Nini can tell what she’s trying to convey.

Nini’s eyes widen.

Maddox nods. Please , she mouths, and her breath catches embarrassingly.

Nini peers around the cabin for a second and then pushes herself up to a sitting position with her legs dangling from the bunk.

Maddox has to fight the urge to shout with joy. Under her blanket, she curls her hand into a fist and pumps it excitedly as Nini tiptoes over.

“Hi,” Nini exhales, standing beside Maddox bunk. 

She silently hopes that Gina can’t hear them, and she scoots backward, pulling the blanket open. Nini crawls in and Maddox maneuvers the blanket over her shoulder. Her sigh trembles, and Nini’s hand finds hers under the blanket.

“Hey there,” Maddox says quietly, but her smile is evident in her voice.

“Sorry,” Nini whispers. “I didn’t know if you wanted to…” Her eyes fixate on a spot under Maddox’s eyes, and she’s pretty sure it’s her mouth, and she’s not really sure what to do about that.

“I didn’t know how to ask,” Maddox admits, playing with Nini’s fingers. Her fingers brush the hard calluses on the fingertips of her left hand. “Are you okay with… us with your friends around?”

“Of course,” Nini says, and Maddox releases a breath she didn’t realize she was holding in a shaky laugh that permeates through the room. They lay still and listen for a moment, and then Nini sighs and scoots closer, ducking her head to suppress a yawn.

“We can talk more tomorrow,” Maddox decides. “You should sleep. It was probably a long car ride here, even from LA.”

“Mhm,” Nini murmurs in affirmation. “Okay.” Her hand slides up to cup her face gently, and it makes Maddox blush all the way down to her toes. She’s just glad it’s too dark to see. “Can I…?” Her breath is hot on her mouth, and she can almost taste her toothpaste.

“Oh God,” Maddox whispers, half to herself, and Nini’s resulting giggle makes her smile sheepishly. “Yes. Please. Go for it,” she says, breath quivering with the effort to stay quiet.

Nini looks at her for a long moment, her face just barely visible in the amber light emanating from the tiny slit between the bathroom door and the door frame. Then her hand slips up to grasp Maddox’s chin lightly, thumb brushing back and forth just under her lips. Maddox exhales, reveling in the closeness.

Nini cranes her head forward ever so slightly and presses a delicate, chaste kiss to Maddox’s lips. Warmth blooms from her chest all the way to the tips of her toes, and she shivers, chases Nini for another soft kiss that tastes like mint and feels like coming home after a year away.

Nini pulls away after a moment to look at her, hand falling from her face. “I just wanted to say,” she whispers, so quiet Maddox has to lift her ear from the pillow to hear. “I’m… I’m sorry if I ever hurt you with my paranoia or fear. It was unfair to lead you on like that when I wasn’t ready to face myself.”

Maddox sighs, curling her fingers tighter around Nini’s. “Like I said, it’s alright. It’s okay now.”

“How did you feel? Be honest with me.”

“Honestly, I was just willing to do what I could to get any moment with you,” she admits. “It didn’t really hit me until you left camp with EJ that maybe we weren’t going to be a thing.”

Nini squeezes her eyes shut. “God, I was such an asshole. I just thought… we had a showmance, and it felt like magic or maybe we were soulmates, and I just…”

“I took comfort in the fact that it wasn’t real. Or at least I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t. That you and me and something, and you were just scared.”

“Well, you weren’t wrong,” Nini murmurs with a faint smile. “I was such a dick to put you through that.”

Maddox blinks. “It’s so weird hearing you cuss.”

Nini chuckles. “I think that came with letting go of my past I was convinced was perfect. I didn’t want to taint it, and I thought if I could just be the perfect kid… not say the bad words, liked guys like all the girls did… I shouldn’t have gotten you caught in it.”

“Nini,” she breathes, and the girl just smiles ruefully. Her murmured words slur together by the end, eyes drooping with tiredness.

They revel in the near-silence of the cabin then, broken only by the soft chirping of crickets outside.

From somewhere in the room, a mattress groans as someone shifts, and they both stiffen.

Nini turns her head over her shoulder and cranes her neck in the direction of the sound, both of them holding their breaths as they listen for any more movement.

“Let’s go to sleep,” Nini mumbles, and then is broken off by a yawn. “It’s late.”

“M’kay,” Maddox agrees, shifting closer when Nini’s arm drapes over her waist, tugging her closer. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Nini echoes softly.

I love you, she thinks as loudly as she can. Maybe she could say it out loud, but it lodges in her throat, held back by the fear that it might scare Nini away just after she got her back.

So she settles for repeating it in her head over and over again until her whole body is warm with the certainty that she still loves Nini Salzar-Roberts, that she gets to hold the girl she loves as they sleep.

Nini is asleep almost instantly, rolling over onto her stomach with her arm holding her close. Through slowly closing eyes, she watches Nini breathe and holds her own breath to take in the feeling of Nini’s chest rising and falling against her. She blinks in amazement, and now, it truly sinks in that Nini is here , in-person, not just some picture or video on her phone screen.

Maddox wakes up on the opposite side of the bed she fell asleep in, with Nini holding her from behind, her breath just barely ruffling the hair on the back of her head. She comes to with Nini’s soft voice behind her and blinks her eyes open blearily.

She has a vague memory of her alarm going off early in the morning, buzzing incessantly next to her head, and then Nini climbing over her with a quick apology to shut it off.

“Camp can do without their bugle call for one morning,” she had whispered as she launched herself over Maddox to shut off her phone. “Stay in bed with me.”

“Okay,” Maddox had said sleepily, and then that was it.

When her vision focuses, she becomes aware of the fact that her friends are standing in front of their bed, talking to Nini quietly.

“Good morning, sleepyhead,” Nini says softly, and Maddox inhales sharply at the surge of warm fuzziness that surges through her. Nini’s really here and in her bed .

“You shut off my alarm,” she mumbles, burying her head into the pillow.

“You needed the sleep,” Gina jumps in, and she’s suddenly reminded that their friends are here too. “You wake up early every morning to do your counselor stuff and stay up late to clean up after us. You definitely deserve to sleep in once.”

“Yeah,” Nini says, dropping her head onto her shoulder, and Maddox's shoulder begins to get hot as Nini breathes into it.

“I didn’t know you two were… a thing,” Kourtney ventures, and Maddox’s face goes warm. Nini laughs.

Maddox lifts her upper body to turn around, and Nini’s soft noise of protest at the movement morphs into a hum of satisfaction when she lays back down. “Yeah, well, it was kinda complicated.”

“Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have even suspected you were…” Gina begins.

“Gay?” Nini supplies with a grin, and the other girl nods. Maddox blinks at Nini, a little startled by how easily she says it, and Nini’s smile widens in response. “Honestly, same. I even convinced myself with Ricky, but then Maddox here…”

“Oh, same,” Ashlyn says.

Nini raises her eyebrows, and Maddox chuckles, a giddy satisfaction bubbling up in her chest at her reaction. “Okay, Ash, I’m happy for you-”

“No! I mean, no, not like that. She helped me figure out that I had a crush on Val,” Ashlyn amends, and Maddox rolls over and laughs as the crease between Nini’s eyebrows smoothes out.

“Haha,” Maddox says gleefully, unable to suppress a shit-eating grin, reaching over to poke Nini’s cheek. “I appreciate that, but-”

“Okay, you can shut up now,” Nini says with faux annoyance, and yanks the pillow out from under Maddox’s head to push it over her face.

Her body shakes with giggles as she hears Nini— muted through the pillow— genuinely congratulating Ashlyn.

Maddox launches the pillow from her face and tosses it at Nini, who bats it away and pouts.

“Wow,” she says breathlessly, and then bursts into giggles again.

Nini slaps a hand over Maddox’s mouth, so she sticks her tongue out to poke at it. Nini recoils with a yelp of indignation, wiping her hand on the blanket, and Maddox’s abs ache, but she can’t stop laughing.

“Y’all are so cute,” Kourtney says, and when Maddox looks up to see their friends smiling at them. “Honestly, Neens, you look so much happier than when you were with… y’know.”

“Yo!” a voice calls from outside, followed immediately by an incessant tapping at the door. 

“It’s opening night!” another voice sounds. “Get ready for a final dress rehearsal!”

“Speak of the devil,” Ashlyn comments. “Both of them.”

Nini pushes herself into a sitting position, raking her hands through her messy hair to smooth it down a little bit. “Yeah… you guys should definitely get ready. But, Kourt, you were definitely right. Homecoming night? When you said that I changed when I discovered boys? That really stuck with me.”

She smiles fondly. “Glad I could help. And now…” she exhales shakily. “We got a musical to put on.”

They all cheer, wishing each other good luck as they scatter to get ready.

Maddox pushes herself into a sitting position, and Nini chuckles at the few chunks that sit tangled on her head, reaching out to run her fingers through the knots in her hair. Maddox sighs, momentarily overcome by the familiarity of Nini’s fingers against her scalp.

“I know you have to do crew and makeup stuff,” Nini says when Maddox’s hair looks slightly more presentable, scooting to the edge of the bed so that her legs dangle off. “But can I do your hair? If you have time.”

“I would love that,” she says earnestly, unable to suppress a beaming smile. “Only if I get to do your makeup.”

“Okay,” Nini says, pushing herself to her feet. She twists her torso a few times, then throws her arms over her head and arches her back with a long yawn. “Why is it that stretching feels so good when you’re doing it, but feels so horrible after?” She pauses to meet Maddox’s gaze. “What?”

Maddox shakes her head with an affectionate grin and stands up to peck Nini on the cheek. “Nothing. You look cute. I just have to process the fact that you’re here every two minutes.”

She laughs (a sound Maddox can never get enough of), and leans in for a real kiss. It takes all the restraint in every fiber of her body to pull back.

Nini frowns.

“Morning breath,” she explains, then adds quickly, “My mouth probably stinks.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Nini says, a little petulant at having been denied.

“Well, I think my mouth tastes bad.”

“Well, my mouth also tastes bad, so does it really matter?”

Maddox scrunches up her nose in exaggerated disgust and shoves Nini. “That’s gross. I’m gonna go brush my teeth, and you should too.”

“Okay, yeah,” Nini says, “Be fast.” And then she darts over to the bathroom.

Maddox’s cheeks ache wonderfully as she pads to the bathroom at a normal speed. This new Nini is refreshing, and it makes her chest swell with something akin to pride. Nini wants to kiss her in front of everybody. She’s no longer afraid of being seen.

When they both come out of the bathroom, Nini pulls her in for a quick kiss, just a quick peck that makes her sigh in contentment. If this is what it’s going to be like from now on…

Maddox steps back in to kiss her once more when she pulls away, and Nini chuckles and kisses her back in that all-encompassing way only Nini can.

“Hi,” is all she can say when they separate, warm and fuzzy all over.

“Hi there,” Nini says back, and those two simple words make a sappy smile curl at her lips.

“You guys are sickeningly cute,” Kourtney comments, shaking her head, and they both turn toward her. “But in public? Really?”

Nini flushes, and both of them grin sheepishly.

“I haven’t seen her in a year,” Maddox mutters with fake annoyance. “Let me have my moment.”

Nini just giggles and ducks her head into Maddox’s shoulder. She turns her head to kiss her temple. “Come on,” she says. “Let’s get everyone ready.”

Nini just sits on Maddox’s bunk and watches as Maddox flits around to help with makeup and hair and costumes where people need help, swinging her legs idly. Every once in a while, she’ll glance over, and Nini’s expression will soften until Maddox tears her focus back to whoever she’s helping.

When they’re mostly done, Maddox comes over to Nini with her box of supplies. “Can I?”

Nini nods, patting the spot on the bed next to her. Maddox sits down and pulls out a couple of disposable brushes and applicators. Their legs jostle together and Nini bumps her knee with her own, so Maddox kicks her in the shin.

With a huff of faux indignation, Nini shoves her back, and Maddox yelps and drops the eyeliner brush.

“That is your problem,” Nini says decidedly.

Maddox rolls her eyes. “Look over here.”

Nini turns her head, and Maddox reaches out to still it by curling a finger under her chin, thumb brushing just under her lip.

“Stay still,” she warns.

Nini sticks out her tongue. Her eyes drift to Maddox’s mouth, and her lips quirk into a small smirk.

Maddox shifts her left hand to hold Nini’s eyelid steady, her other hand resting lightly on her cheek with the blush in hand.

Nini purses her lips together, but the corners tip upward. “It tickles.” The skin on Maddox’s hand prickles with Nini’s huff of suppressed laughter.

“Okay,” Maddox says under her breath, pulling her hand away before she can mess it up, and Nini giggles before clamping her lips shut. “Stop moving!” Any firmness is lost under the unmistakable smile in her voice, the one that can’t seem to go away ever since Nini got here.

An insuppressible giggle escapes Nini, and then Maddox is also laughing for no reason at all, shaking her head to herself as little uncontrollable bouts of laughter burst free.

“Okay,” Maddox says again, decisively, and then swings a leg over Nini’s lap so she’s sitting on it with her legs on either side, knees bumping up against the frame of the bunk bed.

Nini sucks in her lips to shut herself up, gazing up at Maddox with mirth sparkling in her eyes. From behind her, someone makes fake gagging noises, so Maddox flips them off behind her back.

“You can keep going,” Nini says after a moment, and Maddox shakes herself, realizing she’s been staring.

“Sorry. Okay.”

“What’s up?”

Maddox leans forward to continue drawing on eyeliner delicately. “Nothing. You are…” She finishes one eye and moves onto the other. “...beautiful, and I like looking at you sometimes.”

“Oh,” Nini says, and opens the eye that’s not being worked on. Maddox chews on her lower lip to hold back a dopey grin. A pretty blush creeps into Nini’s face, and the skin warms under Maddox’s fingers.

When they’re finally done (after some barely suppressed giggles and consequently sore abs), Nini gives Maddox a kiss that makes her feel like she’s floating (after some protest that it’ll ruin her lipstick), and then Maddox settles herself back onto the bed, where Nini gently tugs a comb through her hair.

She closes her eyes and revels in the feeling of Nini’s fingers against her scalp, tugging gently at her hair, murmuring soft apologies every time she pulls a little too hard, and she tries not to get overwhelmed with the nostalgia that sweeps through her like a sudden wave as Nini deftly twists her hair into two braids.

Her eyes are a little teary, and Nini peers at her, mouth curving into a soft frown. “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?”

Maddox shakes her head (carefully) and lets out a watery laugh. “Just remembering. I have so many good memories of this place and with you. I literally have not had my hair up since the last time you did it. Other than in sad little ponytails for stupid little bio labs.”

“Aww,” Nini says, and then cranes her neck around to capture Maddox’s lips in a soft kiss, her other hand still holding onto one end of a braid. Maddox sniffs and Nini wipes a thumb over her eyes, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead. “Now I’m gonna cry.”

Nini twists a rubber band around the end of her braid and scrambles to Maddox’s other side to take her face in her hands, turning it to check that everything is in place. “You look beautiful,” she says.

“No, you,” is all Maddox can say. Nini cracks a smile and Maddox leans into her shoulder, biting back more giggles (only because her abs hurt).

When they leave to get ready for the final dress rehearsal, Nini tags along with Maddox as if they’re joined at the hip, and Maddox honestly wouldn’t have it any other way.

Throughout much of the final dress rehearsal and last-minute preparations, Maddox is busy scrambling back and forth, moving and striking sets and props and scrambling to get arriving parents oriented in the audience while Nini stands at the back of the room, observing from the shadows.

Every moment spent away from Nini exacerbates the tug in her chest she can’t ignore, constantly pulling her gaze to the back wall while she tries to stay focused on smiling brightly at the slowly arriving audience members. And every time there is a lull in traffic, she darts over to Nini, for a quick touch, a quick kiss, and that insistent little tug is sated, just for a little bit.

She can’t stop touching her braids, running her fingers over the scalloped edges, the few split ends that stick out and tickle her fingers. Sometimes, she whirls around a little too quickly, and her braids fling over her shoulders instead of a cascade of loose, untied hair, and she suddenly remembers that her hair is braided, that Nini braided it, just like she always did, and it makes her breath catch sharply with delight.

The first act passes by in a blur of restlessly peering out from her spot in the wings while trying to remain hidden, scrambling to strike props and bring in new sets, and her desire to constantly be next to Nini is momentarily overtaken by her desire to beat up Channing for ruining Kourtney’s big moment.

At intermission, the curtains come down, and the cast beams at each other and her, and the pit orchestra crawls back under the stage to stretch out their legs. The air is hazy with a buzzing contentment as the younger kids skip around in excitement, the leads rushing to cheer for Kourtney, who steps off the stage with the brightest smile in the room.

Maddox saunters up to the cast, unable to resist an occasional skip in her step. “Hey, you guys are incredible . Kourtney, that was absolutely insane . Please remember me when you’re famous. And I’m so sorry about Channing- if anyone sees him, punch him for me.”

There’s a chorus of thank you ’s and some nods of frustrated agreement.

“I need to go do set stuff, but we have a bit until Act 2, so get some water, relax, if you have any costume changes, get that done right now, okay? We’re doing amazing!”

They nod at her, identical smiles beaming on their faces, sweat glistening on their foreheads. The joy thrumming through them is almost palpable and that same happiness reverberates through Maddox. There’s nothing like putting on a musical. But among the Wildcats, she can’t help but feel like it wouldn’t be complete without Nini.

Maddox doesn’t even have time to react to the way Gina and Kourtney’s faces light up from where they stand directly across from her, and Ashlyn, Ricky, and EJ’s heads whipping over to follow their gazes before hands slam a little too roughly over her eyes.

“Guess who?” a voice whispers in her ear, and Maddox wasn’t sure she could possibly smile bigger after everything, but she does as she leans back into the body standing behind her.

“Hi,” she says, melting backward into Nini.

From behind her, Nini huffs and stumbles a little bit. Maddox feels a twinge of affection because she knows Nini’s doing that cute pout. “You have to guess.”

“Hmm, I don’t know,” Maddox muses sarcastically. “Is it Emmy?”

The hands fall from her eyes, and she has to blink a few times to clear the white haze from her vision while Nini furrows her brows in faux indignation.

“Oh my gosh, Nini!” She says with the most dramatic surprise she can muster.

“Very funny,” she mutters. “You know, you should totally be an actor. That’s quite convincing.”

Maddox nods, throwing her elbow up to rest on Nini’s shoulder. “I knew it was you, love,” she says, poking Nini’s cheek.

Nini’s responding smile makes everything worth it. A beaming smile of unrestrained joy lights up and then softens all her features, and oh, she would do anything to have Nini look at her like that for every waking moment for the rest of her life. Euphoria rushes through her at the realization that she is the cause, and it doesn’t even matter that she risked embarrassment and now they’re grinning at each other like idiots in front of all their friends.

“Love?”

Maddox gives herself a moment to memorize Nini’s smile before she nods. “Yeah, well, you-” She taps Nini’s nose, and Nini’s face scrunches up adorably. “-love me, so I get to call you that.”

“I do,” Nini says quietly, and it’s then Maddox realizes she’s never actually said it, that she had just assumed after the dance that night. It makes her breath stutter and her heart stumble, and she can imagine how stunned she might look right now. Nini laughs a little breathlessly and then gently tugs her into a chaste kiss.

“I love you, too,” she says, all in a rush, and Nini smiles, soft and sweet and everything.

Maddox feels a slight twinge of guilt when she looks up to realize that Gina and EJ are looking at the floor and decides not to call out Ricky’s gaze lingering longingly on Gina. Ashlyn just looks wistful, smiling faintly at the two of them.

“Really? In front of my salad?” Kourtney complains, covering her eyes dramatically.

They give their friends identical sheepish grins. “Sorry.”

Ricky shakes himself out of his Gina-induced haze and turns his gaze to Nini curiously. “How did y’all meet? I thought you were with EJ last summer?”

Nini winces.

“I’m not mad about it or anything,” Ricky says quickly. “Because of, you know, everything, but…”

Nini shifts, cheeks coloring. Maddox touches Nini’s hand lightly, and she turns her hand upward to let Maddox interlace their fingers. “I think it was always a bit of a thing,” Nini admits. “But last summer, it kinda turned into this on-and-off situationship, so I panicked, and EJ was there, so…” She shrugs. “If it wasn’t clear, I’m gay,” Nini adds. “Ricky, we should probably talk more about this later…”

He nods, offering her a kind smile. Maddox can see Nini’s shoulders relax a little.

“Alright,” Maddox claps her hands together. “We got distracted. Intermission ends in less than ten minutes, so it’s time to get ready. Go Wildcats!”

They echo her chant and cheer, and Maddox doesn’t have time to dwell on the fact that Nini remains silent.

“Gotta go,” she says, pecking Nini on the cheek. “I’ll see you on the other side.”

“See you,” Nini murmurs, pulling her in for a real kiss on the lips.

She sucks her lips into her mouth to hide the goofy grin that threatens to explode across her face as she rushes away, joining the crew members who are mostly finished changing the set for the next scene.

The rest of the musical passes by in a blur, filled with scrambling to grab props in the dark, whisper-shouting praise at Gina and Kourtney as they perfectly execute scene after scene.

By the end, she’s a little sweaty and covered in a fine layer of dust from all sorts of places. The little bits of snow on the floor fill her with a small sense of dread when she envisions sweeping it up, so she mentally decides to force someone else to do it.

Maddox busies herself with organizing all the costumes back onto the shelves as the cast changes out of them, and then with wrapping the jumble of wires that snake across the floor backstage as the crew packs up the lights.

By the time she’s finished, they’re breaking for lunch, and she’s somehow more sweaty and dusty, and they still have the set to take apart and pack up into shipping containers.

It’s late afternoon by the time everything is ready to go, all the last bits of brightly colored tape and fake snow cleaned from the stage.

The cast, who had up to this point been helping the crew fold audience chairs, is milling around outside, calling at each other for pictures.

Maddox pulls out her camera, snapping pictures of individuals and pairs of people, of the beginnings of what looks like a beautiful sunset. 

“Group picture!” Dewey is yelling, and then they’re all clamoring into light-hearted arguments about height as the shorter people are forced to kneel at the front.

“Wait, where’s Ricky?” EJ says suddenly, and Maddox realizes that he’s not in the crowd. “We can’t have a picture without our lead.”

“Nini’s not here either,” Maddox realizes. (Saying her name still makes her heart beat faster.) “I’ll go find them,” she offers, and then darts back into the barn.

“I don’t know, guess it was always more intense with her,” Maddox hears as she pokes her head in a changing room. “And I didn’t realize it then because I was so caught up in dating you and being deeply in denial.” Both Nini and Ricky wave at her.

“Hi,” she says as she slinks in. “I hate to interrupt, but everyone’s gathering by the campfire for s’mores and pictures and stuff.”

Ricky nods. “No problem. Thanks for letting us know.” He walks toward the door, beckoning with his jaw to Nini.

“It was always easier to talk to you when we were friends,” Nini murmurs.

Ricky sighs. “It was. I hated how everything changed when we started dating.”

Maddox feels like she shouldn’t be listening to their conversation, but they make no indication that they’re uncomfortable with her there.

“Is this an agreement that we probably shouldn’t have?” Nini asks hesitantly. 

Ricky chuckles. “Maybe.”

They walk in silence for a little bit, and Maddox sighs at the breeze on her neck. She missed having her hair up.

“I think I understand what you mean by it being more intense with someone else,” Ricky ventures, and Nini turns to him, eyes wide.

“Bowen, are you gay?”

He laughs. “No! I mean, I don’t know? Probably not. Entirely. But there’s always been a difference in our relationship and how it’s always felt with… her.”

Maddox bites down on a sharp laugh, covering her mouth.

Ricky sighs at her not-so-subtle reaction, lips curling into a reluctant smile. “Am I that obvious? Jet’s been beating me up over it.”

She nods. “It’s pretty obvious.”

Nini looks between the two of them. “Do I get to know?”

Maddox jumps in before RIcky can answer. “See if you can guess.”

Nini frowns.

“Come on, it’s not hard. It’s funny.”

“Oh of course, my misery is funny to you.”

“It’s hilarious, actually,” Maddox says with a nod.

Ricky just smiles weakly without a comeback, embarrassed as they finally arrive at the campfire.

“Ricky, finally!” Gina is the first to see them, and then Maddox just watches in amusement as he gapes at her for a second before turning his panicked gaze onto the both of them.

Nini presses her lips together to fight off a grin. “Oh, of course . Off you go!” She shoves Ricky away, and he stumbles forward with a yelp of indignation.

He shuffles his way awkwardly to her looking like a lost little kid, and Nini just sighs with a fond exasperation that only comes with being friends with someone their whole life.

They settle in quickly after group pictures are taken, and Maddox tucks herself into Nini’s side as if they’re attached at the hip. She gazes out over all the campers, the theater kids, the ones she doesn’t recognize, the ones she knows by first and last name. She smiles faintly to herself as one of the younger ones panics as their marshmallow bursts into flames. EJ leans over to blow it out with a carefree laugh, and the kid frowns at the lump of charcoal now sliding down his stick.

From further back, there are people shout-singing camp songs as her guitar is passed around, and Maddox isn’t even close to worried that her guitar is only three feet away from becoming firewood. Nini yells along with them, abandoning years of training good technique in favor of being the loudest. The warm fuzzy feeling swells up inside of her, so big, so full that she can’t contain it on her face. It’s pressure inside her ribcage, the height of an inhale so deep it hurts.

“I love you,” she tells Nini, peering up at her through her eyelashes, cheek squished into her shoulder.

Nini pauses her screaming and looks down at her, and the smile that blossoms across her face is soft and sweet and pretty and if anything, it only exacerbates the bubbling warmth inside of her.

“I love you,” Nini whispers back and kisses her hairline, and Maddox could scream with the sheer depth of feeling right now. Instead, she just looks up at Nini as she joins back in with the rest of the campers, and thinks: I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you . Because saying it once isn’t enough for all the emotions that threaten to leap off her tongue, held back only by her own inability to articulate it. I love you I love you I love you. Because saying it once doesn’t mean the feeling ebbs away into something akin to content satisfaction, but continues burning, bubbling gently in her gut, just begging to come out.

I love you I love you I love you. Because saying it once doesn’t make up for all the lost time Maddox spent hiding away from these feelings and shoving them down to unpack later, all the time that Nini spent running away.

But for now, it’ll do.

The rest of the night feels like a shaken soda can, like everything and everyone is seconds from bursting at the seams.

They’re packing up all the stuff in their cabins, pulling the sheets of their beds and stuffing them back into their bags. Decorations are coming down, and campers are walking around in gloves holding trash bags to pick up trash.

“We’re, like, two minutes away from the family crying session,” Nini observes as Maddox finally zips up her last suitcase after struggling for a good five minutes. 

Maddox pulls all her bags out from under the bunk and stands up, glancing around the cabin. Outside, campers are starting to bring out all their baggage to wait for their parents to pick them up. “Yeah,” she says softly, and releases a long sigh as she thinks back on the last two weeks. 

And then to her horror, her eyes begin to well up. “Wait, noooo!”

Nini laughs and pulls her into a hug, giving her a few firm, half-genuine pats on the back. “Guess you started it this year.”

Maddox shakes her head. “We’re not even outside yet!”

“Wait, Maddox, are you crying ?” Gina asks.

And then Ashlyn is saying, “Wait, don’t cry. I’m gonna cry!”

She lets out a wet laugh, and Nini nods, looking completely amused. “Yup. Just like last year.”

And then suddenly, half of the girls in their cabin are wiping their eyes.

Even Nini’s eyes are a little misty as she observes all of them and then turns back to Maddox. “I take it you all had a good experience this year.”

Maddox nods gingerly. Her eyes are so full of tears that they’re held back only by surface tension and sheer force of will.

They make their way outside lugging their bags, some people almost sobbing and others patting them gently on their shoulders.

“You guys started early,” EJ comments as he looks at their cabin, but a glance over his shoulder reveals that all the guys doing their handshakes and side hugs and shoulder slaps are getting emotional as well.

“I don’t want to go home,” she admits, and then a half-laugh, half-sob bursts out of her along with a few tears, streaking hot and fast down her face. “It was a good two weeks.”

“When you were not sulking and pining over Nini, I presume.”

She rolls her eyes. “She made it in the end.”

“Mhm. And now you guys are going to be disgustingly in love, like, forever,” EJ says, mock disgusted.

“Sorry about Gina,” Maddox grimaces. When word had gotten out that Gina had broken up with him two nights ago, she had not been particularly shocked, but she knew that EJ was probably going to take it hard.

He gives her a mirthless smile. “I’ll survive. And honestly, maybe it’s for the best,” he says, and then pauses with his mouth open. He gives a tiny shake of his head, as if deciding against saying whatever he was going to say. “Maybe it’s time I wander off to… new horizons,” he says a little dramatically. “Find myself. Some soul searching. Like Nini.”

Maddox gives him a side eye, and he rubs his hands together nervously. “Good luck, Elton,” she tells him genuinely, and then stretches up for a hug because he’s almost a whole foot taller than her. It’s almost comical, really. “I think you’ll need it.”

“Yeah,” he breathes a little shakily and then it’s time for him to start wiping his eyes.

“Gotcha,” Maddox says, pointing finger guns at him, and they laugh together through their tears.

“It’s contagious,” EJ groans.

“I’ll see you next year? Maybe?”

“Maybe,” he echoes. “Hey, your girlfriend’s waiting to talk to you. I’m just gonna…” He points his thumbs over his shoulder and then hops away.

Maddox chuckles and turns to see Nini behind her, her eyes soft and tender and she briefly wonders if it’s possible that this is merely a figment of her imagination. “So… my moms are here, and I don’t want to keep them waiting,” she says.

She nods, darting forward to kiss Nini quickly. And then again, and again for a few more until they’re both smiling too hard to really do anything except hold each other’s hands.

“I’ll text you?”

“About that…” Nini says, “I might be moving to LA?”

Something catches in Maddox’s chest. It does a cartwheel in her stomach. “What?”

“Um, long story short, I got a record deal with Jamie Porter? You know, the big producer guy? Who happens to be Gina’s brother? We love nepotism. I’m coming to LA to finish high school.”

“Oh my God.”

“I know,” Nini says, bouncing up and down.

“Oh my God ,” Maddox says, and Nini is jumping, giggling through her hands. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“Well, I kinda wanted it to be a surprise, but then I couldn’t not tell you, so,” she says breathlessly. “We’ll be, like, within driving distance.”

“You could honestly stay at my house while you’re looking for somewhere to stay. Or you could just stay there, like all the time,” Maddox suggests.

“I’m not sure your parents would like that,” Nini says. “But I’ll let my moms know. Oh my gosh, you’ll get to meet them!”

“Oh geez, that sounds scary.”

“I’m sure they want to meet the girl I’ve been in love with for, what, three years?” Nini says, so casually Maddox’s heart takes a second to flip.

“Oh,” she says, grinning.

“Yeah,” Nini says, leaning forward to kiss her on the cheek. “So, I’ll see you in a week or two, actually.”

“That’s crazy,” she breathes.

“That is crazy,” Nini says back. “I’m gonna be within driving distance of my girlfriend, huh?”

“Girlfriend,” Maddox says, half to herself, as if trying out the word in her mouth, turning it around and around to see if it fits. “I like that.”

“I do too,” Nini says.

“Neens!” A loud shout sounds from across the clearing, cutting through the emotional chatter of campers and their parents, and both their heads swivel to the location of Kourtney’s voice. “Your moms are here!”

“I know!” Nini calls back. “One second!” She turns back to Maddox, pursing her lips into a sad smile. “I guess this is goodbye for now.”

“I’ll see you. For real. In-person. In like, two weeks,” Maddox says, and Nini laughs, stepping forward to hug her girlfriend close, swaying from foot to foot.

“One for the road?” Maddox asks, puckering her lips, and Nini nods, kissing her softly on the lips.

She pulls away, feeling a twinge of joy and the urge to do a little happy dance as Nini’s eyes close with a soft smile, savoring that final kiss.

“Bye,” Nini whispers, and then she’s turning away and jogging into the crowd.

She glances back, and Maddox blows her a kiss.

“I’ll text you for real this time!” Nini screams. Maddox huffs out a laugh, an almost-sob that has her eyes welling up again.

“Make sure you do that!” she calls weakly, and her voice definitely does not carry over to the other girl getting farther away. 

“God,” she mutters to herself, swiping away the fresh tears. “I am officially a sappy loser.”

(Not that she has any regrets.)