Chapter Text
The envelope has stamps on it from different states, and faded ink on the front and back. Gunil carefully lifts the adhesive closure with hands that aren't quite steady.
Black ink. Paper with a letterhead from a hotel in Anchorage. His stomach sinks.
Gunil.
You'll know by now, maybe, that I tried to find you up here. It's a big place, but with so few people. I flew out on a charter plane from the city- scariest forty minutes of my life. It was like speeding through the air in a sardine can, and the windows were all frosted over. Nothing to see though anyway, huh? Forest for miles and miles and miles. If I squinted my eyes I could pretend I was flying over the sea at night. Evergreens look black from that altitude. We landed fine. Not going to lie, I was relieved.
It was colder there, so much colder than Anchorage, and I wondered how that could be possible. Maybe the people, few that they are, have some kind of thermal mass? Or could it be the heaters rattling valiantly in every store and restaurant? Maybe (and you'll forgive me for being so sentimental, because I got it from you) it's the loneliness. The remoteness. Knowing nobody is around, that there's no safe haven nearby. I think even then I'd known you were long gone.
A sort of rough-looking guy let me hitch a ride out as far as the road would go. He warned against hiking on my own, but he didn't push too hard, and I figure it's because I'm not the first outsider he's seen out here trying to take the trail.
A woman at the hotel drew a map for me of where you'd be. When I asked how she knew, she said it was always the same. They try to go out where the bus is, she'd said, shaking her head like she disapproved. She didn't ask me why I wanted to find you. She might've guessed.
I made it there okay, in the end, which I'm sure you've figured- how else would I send this out to you? I guessed the address, by the way. I sent it to the college, but I hoped they'd pass it on to you. If you're reading this, it worked. If you aren't, well. This letter will be shoved in a drawer somewhere. That could even be for the best.
I got to the bus in a day and a half. The track is well-worn by other pilgrims, so it was easy, apart from the cold. I watched my breath condense in the air like smoke rising, and couldn't stop imagining the entire forest going up in flames.
Hundreds of people have graffitied their names and epitaphs in this thing. It should be in a museum somewhere. Your name wasn't hard to find, but then, I knew what I was looking for. Your signature looks so... proud. Did you know that, hyung?
I didn't write my name next to yours, even though I wanted to. I can't impose myself upon you even in writing, much less in the flesh. This letter is my last little dig under your skin. I promise.
It's not that I was angry, because I wasn't. Probably never could be, not with you. There was no plan in my head of what I'd do if you were still out here, camped and enjoying the wilderness. Perhaps this entire thing wasn't even about you. Wishful thinking.
If you really are reading this, I ought to wrap it up, or I could sit here writing for hours, and I have no claim over any more of your time. The time I did get, though... you are more precious, more capable, than you'll ever know. You held me like I was something sacred. I only wish I'd shown you the same reverance. Whatever you do, Goo Gunil, just know that I love you. Always have, always will.
-KJ ♡