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He had accepted it long ago.
From the moment he'd woke up with petals on his pillow and the sharp taste of iron and rust on his tongue, he'd known this was it for him.
So when Minghao barges in into his shared apartment with Wonwoo, because of course he had given his spare key to his best friend just as Wonwoo had given his to his boyfriend, with the biggest smile on his face, breathless and unable to stop himself from giggling. Mingyu feels a new vine sprout in his lungs.
An unmistakable and familiar pain. The urge to cough out the petals that were sitting at the entrance of his mouth takes over. He swallows thickly.
It was painful.
You'd think after coughing out petals for almost a decade of your life, the pain would lessen. Sure he had gotten used to it, enough to not as much as wince or move a muscle. But what was painful, was painful.
Minghao crashes into him, wrapping his hands around Mingyu’s waist, still giggling.
And oh he smells so nice. Like a dewy morning in the forests, a walk in the bamboo grove. Jasmine. Fresh and light, and Mingyu wants to drown in it. Still, he can't help but catch the faint but ever present smell of powdery musk and a fruity fabric softener, he knows someone use a lot of. He feels himself frown.
"Ggyu-ah!" Minghao all but chirps at him, looking up at him, face still half buried in his chest.
He looks so adorable in his arms. Mingyu wants to plant a thousand kisses on his face and hug him until their bodies melt into each other.
He does neither.
He doesn't know if he should be thankful Minghao caught him mid breakfast, a mug in one hand and a sandwich in the other, preventing him from acting on the impulse.
He wishes he could start every single day like this. With Minghao in his arms, hugs and giggles and the sound of his name in the shorter man's mouth. Because that would be a life worth living.
"He beat me to it!" he squeals, he hears the pout in his voice as he hugs Mingyu tighter, and Mingyu feels himself smiling against his will. He prays Minghao doesn't hear just how fast and hard his heart was beating, like it was threatening to fall out of his chest.
"Who beat you to what?"
All thirteen years of knowing one another, hugs and kisses and holding hands, sleeping together, always being in each other's spaces, and still Mingyu could not get used to how Minghao felt in his arms. And how he felt with Minghao in his arms. His heart leaps.
Minghao must not have noticed his abnormal heartbeat because he is still giggling as he pulls away, "Look!" He holds up his left hand and Mingyu feels his stomach drop.
All the happy and sunny thoughts and feelings snatched away without a moment's notice. He is pulled back to real life.
He feels hollow. It feels like someone had taken all of his organs out of his body and left him with just his heart— to feel every bit of the pain, his eyes to watch his beloved smile a smile that he was not the cause of, his lungs with the cursed flowers that were still obliviously and innocently beautiful. It was killing him, literally. And it hurt.
It hurt.
His heart clenches again and it hurt.
So much.
Tears start to prick at his eyes and the flowers continue to bloom unaware.
Because on Minghao's hand there was a new ring. Any other person wouldn't have noticed because the younger Chinese always had a new jewelry adorning his fingers or neck or ears.
But Mingyu wasn't any other person.
So notice, he did.
A simple silver band with a trilliant cut sapphire, accented with little diamonds, but still plain in contrast to all the other jewelry, sat on Minghao's fourth finger. But that was Mingyu being biased, because he hated the ring on Minghao's finger.
The dizzying hurt in his heart. The painful thorn in his lungs.The beautifully oblivious flowers. And his ugly feelings for his best friend. All of those seemed to have morphed into a monster in his brain.
He must have been staring into space for a while because he feels Minghao’s hand on his arm, nudging him slightly.
"Mingyu?" He asks softly, his eyes narrowing a little, worry starting to take over his beautiful features. But he was still so beautiful.
He opens his mouth to say something he doesn't know, closes it just as quickly because he doesn't trust himself to speak.
Instead he sets aside the mug and the half eaten sandwich and engulfs Minghao in a tight hug.
He feels Minghao tense himself under his touch for a moment and then relax. He hugs him back, and Mingyu feels his weak heart clench again.
"Why are you the one who's crying?" Minghao asks, sounding a little teary himself.
"I didn't cry even when I said yes to Kookie but now you're crying and I can't help but-" and Mingyu hears Minghao giggle as he feels tears wet his shirt.
Oh Mingyu was crying, sobbing actually.
But for none of the reasons Minghao thought he was.
Mingyu was going to have to watch Minghao marry another man.
Again. It seemed like somebody had tied him to a pole and was using a dull blade to slowly cut his chest open. Like his beating heart was being trashed as he stared aware and alive but no one else could see it. So he continued to pretend he was okay.
"I am so happy for you, my yongpallie" He hated it.
"I knew this was gonna happen the moment you told me you were dating him ‘for real this time’ " He had prayed they would break up everyday since then. Seven years.
"Oh my god, when is the wedding?" He wishes that some gods above would tear them apart before that.
"My Xiaoba! Jungkookie's so going to make you the happiest man ever." No, Mingyu was the one who would make him the happiest.
He chokes on his sobs and flowers and hopes it kills him right there, but it doesn't.
Minghao pats his back as he giggles. It sounded like wedding bells to him, and for the first time since he had known Minghao, he hated the sound of it.
He straightened his back.
"You're gonna have to tell me everything!"
Was he smiling right?
"Every single detail, okay? No missing out anything"
Did his voice sound normal and happy?
"You hear me, Xu Minghao?"
He wasn't frowning, was he?
Minghao was still giggling. The place where Minghao's hand was on his back burned, the good kind because they were touching and the bad kind because he wore the ring on that hand.
He carefully brings his hand to his mouth and traces his lips, trying to make sure he was smiling correctly.
Suddenly the door flings open and the man he wanted to see the least trudges into the room.
"Fiancé!" the newcomer says dramatically, he feels Minghao's warmth leave his back, he already misses it.
"I knew you'd be at Mingyu’s!" he watches as they hold each other. Stab. He watches as Jungkook plants a chaste kiss on Minghao's lips and his cheeks turn a little redder. Stab.He sees unfamiliar rings on both their fingers. Another flower starts to sprout.
He is unable to stop himself from coughing this time. Oh no. Not right now. Not in front of them, please.
He wheezes and coughs into his sleeve. Staggers and bends into half trying and failing to stop himself from coughing. Which he notes, had gotten so much worse in a short time Minghao was here. Even to his own ears, he sounded like a dying old man.
He had coughed a whole flower. He pales, now that was a first. Quickly slipping it under his sleeve he hopes neither of them saw that. Given how unlucky Mingyu has been his whole life, he's thankful when he realizes he had not coughed blood this time, though he could certainly taste it in his mouth.
"Bro, are you okay?" he registers Jungkook's hand patting his back softly, and Minghao enters his field of vision with a glass of water, which he takes and gulps in one go. They both look a little worried, and he wants to beat himself up for making Minghao look like that. This is why you'll never be worthy of him.
He laughs hoping it doesn't sound fake, quickly mumbling a sorry, "Seeing you two being all disgusting in my apartment first thing in the morning is not good for my single ass!" He jokes as he holds Jungkook in a headlock.
He hears Minghao sigh and settle on the couch as the other two joke around. Mingyu risks a quick glance at him and sees him looking at them with so much fondness in his eyes. He hates it.
"Can you believe it? He actually walked out on his fiancé mid-proposal to be here." Jungkook laughs, he has his hand over Minghao's shoulder the other hand holding Minghao's hand in his. Mingyu wishes it were him.
Minghao laughs as he explains how he had to see Mingyu the moment it fully sunk in that he had just gotten engaged to his childhood sweetheart. In that moment, he just wanted to share his joy and happiness to the one person who he knew would be happier than himself. He'd been wrong. Mingyu wasn't half as good as Minghao thought him to be. He was selfish. He was ugly. His feelings were ugly.
"I was going to come back, I swear!" Minghao leans into Jungkook. And Jungkook just laughs and now Mingyu has to pretend to laugh and brush it off too.
Even given the circumstance, his weak weak heart can't help but be pleased that Minghao had walked out on Jungkook to be with Mingyu. That Minghao had, in that moment, prioritized him over Jungkook. Ignoring the reason why he had wanted to see Mingyu in the first place, he lets himself feel a tiny wave of happiness.
*-*-**-**-*-*
On the morning of the wedding where Mingyu was tasked with delivering the best man speech, his bathroom floor was littered with the angriest shade of spider lilies.
On the same evening, Minghao would find his best friend in a pool of blood and flowers; of red tulips, heliotropes, the constant spider lilies and a single azalea. Clumsy as Mingyu was, he cleaned after himself quite well. He had shared Minghao's ick for cleanliness.
But now he wouldn't move, not to clean or to breathe.