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May kakaiba kay Baekhyun.

Kyungsoo squinted his eyes while looking at his friend who is currently busy with his phone, may maliit na ngiti sa labi nito. May iba talaga eh.

Simula nung nakilala niya ito, Baekhyun always looked… reserved. Alalang-alala niya pa na noong unang beses silang nagkita sa may reception habang hinihintay ang psychologist at ang schedule nila for therapy, Baekhyun usually just had this small smile on his face, but it didn't even reach his eyes.

But nung nagkakilala naman sila at nagkaclose, even going as far as pagiging thirdwheel sa kanila ng jowa niyang si Jongin, madalas na niya ito nakikitang ngumiti. Although, of course, it’s most likely because mas okay na now that he’s going through therapy, but Kyungsoo would like to think na kahit papaano, nagkaroon ng contribution ang pagiging mag-kaibigan nila. Baekhyun somehow became close to them and joked around with them. That’s when he knew na palangiti naman ang kaibigan at sobrang masiyahin nito.

But there is just something different with this smile.

Parang… kinikilig?

Napatigil si Baekhyun sa pag-type nang maramdaman ang tingin ng kaibigan. Tinaasan niya ng kilay ang kaibigan. “What? Bakit ganyan ka makatingin?”

Pinanliitan pa rin siya nito ng mata. “Ikaw ba… may jowa na?”

Baekhyun giggled. When he heard that, sigurado na si Kyungsoo. Kinikilig nga.

“Hindi pa naman jowa…” nahihiyang sabi ni Baekhyun. “Ano lang… getting to know, ganon. Ligawan…”

Aasarin na sana siya ni Kyungsoo with matching palo pa, kasi naman, nakuha pa nitong mag-tuck ng buhok sa likod ng tenga niya, parang nagpapabebe pa. But when he saw that Baekhyun was genuinely shy and happy, he didn't have the heart to do such a thing.

Especially since it's rare to see his friend this happy.

Kyungsoo smiled and ruffled Baekhyun's hair. "You look happy. Gaano na katagal?"

"Just recently… mga one month pa lang… going two? Hindi ko masyado nakukwento kasi… I'm trying to, like, test the waters or something, but…" sabi ni Baekhyun. Napatigil ito at napabuntong-hininga. There’s this content look on his face.  "I know it's so recent, pero alam mo 'yun? This one feels nice. It feels… right? He's a great guy, Kyungsoo. Swear. Ang bait-bait niya. Sobrang consistent. Halos lagi ko kausap. Now, I know parang ang liit na bagay ng mga sinasabi ko, pero hindi ko maexplain eh. Basta… ang bait niya, and you know how there are times that you'd feel like someone is just faking it or nagpapakitang-tao lang? Siya, hindi. You can actually feel and see how sincere he is."

For the longest time, alam ni Kyungsoo na hindi interesado si Baekhyun na pumasok sa isang relasyon. Alam na alam ni Kyungsoo na marami itong tinatago, that there’s more to what he’s sharing them. Kahit na ilang buwan na sila mag-kaibigan, hindi pa niya gaano alam ang kwento ng buhay niya, kung bakit siya lumipat dito, and why he’s even going through therapy. Hindi niya ito pinipilit na ipakwento dahil baka hindi kumportable si Baekhyun.

He only knows the gist of it— ayaw na ni Baekhyun na magkagusto at makipag-relasyon sa isang taong close pa sa ex niya.

Noong una, nagtaka pa siya sa sinabi nito, kasi what’s so bad about it? Siya nga, ka-close niya ang ex-husband niya at wala ‘yun problema kay Jongin, but naintindihan niya rin ito nung sinabi ni Baekhyun na hindi naman lahat magiging kumportable with it, especially when it can lead to different misunderstandings that can end up hurting a lot of people. He will never forget how uncomfortable and hurt Baekhyun looked while talking about it, and that was enough for him to know na may pinanggagalingan ito.

‘Yun ang dahilan kung bakit ayaw niya makipag-relasyon and why he’s here now, going through therapy. Alam niyang marami pa itong hindi inoopen up sa kanya, and Kyungsoo can only patiently wait for him to be comfortable enough with him to share all of those troubles.

His therapist would always say that it’s important that he has someone to talk to, and he hopes that he can be like that to Baekhyun o kaya naman ay sana may ganun din si Baekhyun sa buhay niya, because for the longest time, parang may pader na nakaharang kay Baekhyun na sobrang hirap akyatin o sirain.

So to see Baekhyun slowly opening up to someone is a lot. Masaya siya para sa kaibigan niya at deserve niyang sumaya ng ganito.

“You look smitten already,” asar ni Kyungsoo and it’s amusing how Baekhyun’s ears turned red because of it. “Sobrang pogi siguro nyan?”

“Well, I don’t really judge a person by those, but… sobrang pogi—”

Napatigil at napangiti si Baekhyun nang mag-vibrate ulit ang phone niya. Hindi rin tuloy napigilan ni Kyungsoo ang mapatingin sa phone ng kaibigan, only to freeze when he saw the name sa notification nito. Hindi niya alam kung tama ang nakita niya dahil sobrang bilis din itong nawala at naitago ni Baekhyun sa view niya.

Pero kung tama ang nakita niya…

Chanyeol ang pangalan nito.

Chanyeol… na ex-husband niya?

Is it the same Chanyeol that he knows?

Napatingin si Kyungsoo kay Baekhyun, sa ngiti nito na hindi mawala-wala, at naalala ang sinabi nito noon.

“Ayaw ko magkagusto sa mga taong… pumapasok sa isang relasyon na close pa rin sila sa ex nila…”

If it’s the same Chanyeol that he knows, surely… sinabi naman nito sa kanya, diba?

Na close pa rin sila?

Inalam ni Baekhyun ‘yun, right…? After all, ‘yun ang una niyang kailangan malaman sa tuwing susubukan niya na pumasok sa isang relasyon.

“Nandyan na raw siya, Kyungsoo! Una na muna ako ah. I would introduce you to him, pero malapit na schedule mo, diba? Need ko na umalis eh,” paalam ni Baekhyun at tumayo na sa pwesto  niya. “May date pa kami. Hehe."

Still too stunned by his recent discovery, Kyungsoo can only nod and say, “Oo, i-it's okay… ingat ka… enjoy…”

Kumaway lang si Baekhyun at nagmamadaling bumaba ng building. Napahinga nang malalim si Kyungsoo.

And if it’s the same Chanyeol… paano na?

Anong gagawin niya?

He remembers how happy Baekhyun looked while talking about the person that he’s trying to know, kung paano niya ito dinescribe, and if it’s Chanyeol… then tama naman si Baekhyun. Chanyeol’s an amazing guy.

He just hopes that his friendship with him will not ruin all of this.

Dahil wala naman siya kailangan ikatakot. Wala naman nang kahit anong namamagitan sa kanila.

Ni wala nga silang nararamdaman para sa isa’t isa noon pa man.

Iniisip niya, baka naman nagkataon lang.

Still… he can’t help feeling bothered.

Nilabas niya ang phone niya at binuksan ang conversation nila ng dating asawa. Matagal na silang hindi masyado nakakapag-usap, mostly dahil hindi naman masyado nagtetext or reply si Chanyeol kapag hindi niya trip makipag-usap, but of course that’s a different case if he’s dating someone. Kilalang-kilala niya na ito.

Kailangan niya ito matanong tungkol sa nalaman niya.

He can only hope na mag-reply ang kaibigan niya.

Mahirap na… baka maging magulo pa.

Ayaw niyang masaktan si Baekhyun, maski si Chanyeol, dahil pareho lang naman silang deserve ang sumaya.

Sa tuwing nakikita ni Baekhyun si Chanyeol, he can’t help being in awe.

Kahit ngayong kumakain lang naman ito at kinukwento ang nangyari sa araw niya, anyone who will look at Baekhyun will probably have an idea of how interested and enamored he is.

Maski siya, hindi makapaniwala na kahit saglit pa lang naman niya nakikilala ang lalaking ngayon ay nakaupo sa harap niya, ganito na ang epekto nito sa kanya.

Ewan niya ba. There’s just something about him that will make you stare at him, adore him, and genuinely be intrigued at the type of person that he is. Bilib na bilib siya sa kanya, sa kung paanong nagagawa niyang maiparamdam kay Baekhyun na mapagkakatiwalaan siya and that whenever he is with him, there’s nothing to worry about. Chanyeol would always ensure that anything they do is something that they both enjoy and feel comfortable with.

This is a lot for him, considering na hindi naman ganun kadali makuha ang tiwala at atensyon niya. He doesn’t even warm up to people easily, pero parang napakadaling nagawa ni Chanyeol 'yon.

Ganun na kahit nung unang beses niya pa siyang nakilala.

Nagkakilala sila sa isang parke, malapit lang sa kung saan nakatira si Baekhyun. That time, nagpapahangin lang naman si Baekhyun, sinusubukan na magbasa to have some sort of me time and to unwind after being busy for so long. It’s one of the things that he wanted to try—to have a time for himself, ever since lumipat siya dito.

He goes here every weekend, and nung una, nagagawa niya naman. He’d spend an hour or two reading, pero for some reason, lately, hindi niya ito nagagawa dahil sobrang bilis niyang nadidistract at sobrang dami ng gumagalaw kaya nage-end up na inoobserbahan niya lang ang mga tao sa paligid niya. He later on found that interesting, mostly kasi nakakatuwa panoorin ang mga pamilya at mga batang nandun. There's just something interesting about the mundane things.

Because of him observing the people around him, doon niya nakilala si Chanyeol.

Just like him, may hawak din itong libro na parang hindi niya rin nababasa dahil panay tingin lang din ito sa paligid niya.

At madalas pa… nahuhuli siya nitong nakatingin sa kanya. Sa sobrang dalas, nagagawa pa nitong kumaway sa kanya instead of being weirded out dahil nakatingin siya. He tried not looking at him, pero hindi niya mapigilan lalo na at may some sort of pull talaga ang tao sa kanya that it’s hard for Baekhyun to look away. He’s intrigued and so interested to see someone like him.

Ilang weekends din na ganun lang ang nangyayari.

Akala niya hanggang ganun lang—that Chanyeol will just be that guy in the park who always had a friendly smile on his face. Baekhyun looked forward to the weekends just to see that and he was content with it.

Nagbago lang naman ito nang biglang lumapit si Chanyeol sa kanya. He had a book with him at tumabi siya kay Baekhyun and said, “Mind if I read with you?”

Parang natameme si Baekhyun dahil dun. He couldn’t help it. Hindi niya naman kasi inaasahan na lalapit ang lalaking ito sa kanya.

“Ah, sorry…” nahihiya pa nitong sabi at napakamot ng ulo. “I often see you here and mag-isa ka lang nagbabasa. I thought it would be nice na samahan ka. You know, just to make… friends? Plus, you look cute— ah, I mean… shit . Sorry. Don’t mind that. Sorry, that probably made you uncomfortable. Maybe I should stop talking. Ang daldal ko ‘no? Ni hindi pa ako nakakapag-pakilala."

Hindi naman mapigilan ni Baekhyun ang matawa dahil sa lalaki. Strangely, he didn’t feel uncomfortable with his presence. In fact, he appreciates that there’s someone that he can talk to. 

Ever since then, parang naging parte na lang ng mga weekend plans nila na magkita on the same spot either to read together, eat breakfast together, or just… talk.

And the more that they talk, the more na lalo lang siyang nagiging interesado kay Chanyeol. He’s just curious at the type of person that he is. He wants to know him more but he didn't have enough courage to cross the line, kaya grabe na lang din ang tuwa niya nang sinabi ni Chanyeol na gusto siya nito.

Hindi siya masyadong nagulat. Naghinala siya, mostly because Chanyeol wasn’t exactly… discreet . Still, even though may pinapahiwatig ito, he never did anything about it. Takot pa rin naman siya. But that didn’t mean na hindi siya natuwa nang aminin ni Chanyeol ‘yun sa kanya. Kaso kahit gaano pa ang tuwa niya and no matter how much he enjoys Chanyeol’s presence, it doesn’t mean na handa siyang pumasok sa isang relasyon, and he was honest about that kay Chanyeol.

Buong akala niya, by saying that, hindi na magpapatuloy si Chanyeol at mawawala na ang friendship at routine na nabuild nila.

But Chanyeol didn’t leave.

Instead, he just said, “Then I’ll wait for you to be ready. Hindi ako nagmamadali at ayaw ko rin na ma-pressure ka. Don't worry. If you feel like you will never be ready and you tell me that, I'll stop and respect your decision, no hard feelings whatsoever. For now, I hope it's okay for you to let me express what I feel for you. Let's just spend some time together, get to know each other, until you’re already willing to let me in your life and in your heart."

He remembers laughing at how cheesy it sounded, pero it still made him feel warm nonetheless.

That confession was almost two months ago, pero parang ang fresh pa rin sa utak ni Baekhyun ang lahat ng nangyari.

Kahit na ilang buwan na ang nakalipas, he still feels the same warmth whenever he’s with Chanyeol.

He likes being around him, kahit na sobrang mundane lang ng ginagawa nila. He enjoys every second na nakakasama niya ang lalaki. He feels safe and content whenever he’s with him. Parang walang kahit anong bigat sa pakiramdam niya. With Chanyeol, he feels like he can forget all of his worries and all his fears. It’s just Chanyeol, his smile, his loud laugh, and every other story he tells him in his mind.

What he likes the most about him is how honest and genuine he seems to be. He always looks out for Baekhyun, lagi niya siya kinukumusta, inoobserbahan kung kumportable ba siya, and Chanyeol just gives him undivided attention. It’s overwhelming and unfamiliar, not in a bad way.

Ibang-iba ito sa dati niyang relasyon na halos hindi na siya pansinin. Para siyang hangin. Para siyang hindi worthy na tapunan man lang ng tingin kahit isang segundo dahil may mas importante pa sa kanya. 

Gusto niya rin kung paanong hindi siya nito pinipilit na sabihin ang mga bagay na alam niyang hindi pa siya kumportable i-kwento. Even though nasa getting to know slash ligawan stage sila, hindi niya pinagpipilitan na alamin ang buong kwento ni Baekhyun. Chanyeol knows that Baekhyun has some issues, and even if he wants to share all of those, natatakot siyang ma-judge siya ni Chanyeol, kasi kahit na may mga bagay na hindi niya kasalanan, there are things that he knows and acknowledges is his fault. Hirap na hirap siyang patawarin ang sarili niya.  

Sometimes, he feels guilty of holding himself back, but Chanyeol never fails to assure him that he doesn’t have to force himself to tell things that he isn’t ready to share yet.

Ang sabi lang nito, “ Just know that once you’re ready to share all of those, I’m all ears, and I promise that what I feel for you won’t change. ”

Para kay Baekhyun, mahirap paniwalaan ang linyang ‘yon. Hindi siya naniniwalang hindi magbabago ang nararamdaman ni Chanyeol para sa kanya kapag nalaman niya ang kwento niya, but… may kakaibang epekto talaga si Chanyeol sa kanya dahil isang tingin niya lang sa mga mata nito, kung paanong punong-puno ito ng sinseridad at pagmamahal, parang gusto na lang niya maniwala.

Yet no matter how good Chanyeol can make him feel whenever he’s around, so close to making him consider entering another relationship, may pumipigil pa rin sa kanya.

Because of one thing.

When they first had a date, diniretso ni Baekhyun si Chanyeol.

“Have you ever been in a relationship?”

It sounds stupid, especially given na ilang taon na sila and with how good looking Chanyeol is, parang ang labo naman na never pa siya nagkaroon ng kahit anong relasyon. But still, he had to ask to make sure of it. Mahalagang malaman niya ‘yun , dahil kung sakaling may binigay si Chanyeol na sagot na maaaring makaapekto sa interes niya sa kanya, Baekhyun will not hesitate to stop all of this.

Ayaw na niya ng problema.

Ayaw na niyang lumala pa ang sitwasyon niya.

So bahala na kung mukhang ang tanga-tanga ng tanong niya. If it means that they’d save themselves from trouble at hindi magkasakitan, edi maganda, walang masyadong iyakan na mangyayari. If Chanyeol says na never pa siya nagkaroon ng jowa, wala namang problema. After all, posible rin naman na wala pa siyang kahit anong experience when it comes to relationships at this age (nothing bad about it, of course!).

Pero mukhang tama naman ang mga hinala niya dahil tumango si Chanyeol, unfazed with the question. Makakahinga na sana siya nang maluwag kung hindi lang nito dinugtungan ng, “I… I have an ex-husband, actually. Divorced na kami.”

Well… that just made him hesitate from all of this.

Parang sunod-sunod ang alarm sa utak niya. Itigil! Hindi pwede! Stop the car! Isa ‘yang red flag!

But still, he had to ask for more about it. Ayaw niya magpadalos-dalos at biglang tapusin na lang ang potential love life niya with an amazing guy.

“M-May I ask bakit kayo naghiwalay…?” maingat na tanong niya sa lalaki.

Inobserbahan niya ito, if in any way, magpapakita ito ng lungkot, panghihinayang, or any feelings that would make him consider going back to his ex, pero wala. He was just smiling at him, patiently waiting for him to talk or ask something. His eyes never wavered. He didn't even see his smile falter. Hindi niya alam kung sobrang galing na aktor lang ito o sadyang wala lang talaga ito sa kanya.

"Hindi naman namin minahal ang isa't isa. Not as lovers, at least. We never did," pag-explain nito. "We only got married to fulfill the wish of our grandparents. Typical wish stuff that you see in dramas, like a dying wish. We got divorced nung namatay na sila."

Parang naguilty naman bigla si Baekhyun sa narinig niyang rason kung bakit sila nagkahiwalay. "Oh, I'm sorry…"

"It's okay. Matagal na 'yun," sagot ni Chanyeol, shaking his head. "We were against the marriage, anyway. We were glad na nag-hiwalay na kami.  Both of us didn’t want to be in a relationship na pakiramdam lang namin ay sinasayang lang namin oras namin because we weren’t really interested in each other like that. Mas okay pa if gamitin namin oras namin looking for people we’re interested in. The divorce was for the best. We rarely talk now. There's not much to catch up on in the first place, plus busy 'yun sa sarili niyang buhay and he has other issues to attend to."

Hindi naman alam ni Baekhyun kung anong sasabihin niya. It's hard to believe in it, considering his history when it comes to this, and how… traumatized he was because of the idea of still being in contact with a person you ended your relationship with.

"Sorry if hindi ko nasabi agad? Saglit lang tayo nagkakausap sa park, but now that we're getting to know each other, I want you to know that," sabi ni Chanyeol, then may nagbago sa mukha nito , parang kinakabahan. "I-Is that a turn off for you? Being previously married? I hope not…"

Yes, gusto sabihin ni Baekhyun, especially if you still talk to him, but one look at Chanyeol's sad and still hopeful eyes, he couldn't say it.

"N-No…" sagot ni Baekhyun at sinabayan pa ng iling. "I… I was previously married, as well… para lang din sana alam mo…"

He nervously laughed when he said that, as an attempt to show that things are okay, and that the topic is nothing to him, kahit na hindi. Hanggang dun pa lang ang kaya niyang sabihin, pero grabe na ang kaba niya. 

Just the thought that Chanyeol will judge him dahil nalaman niyang kinasal din siya noon, parang masakit na agad.

Paano pa kaya kapag nalaman niya ang totoong kwento?

But the judging looks never came. Chanyeol just had the same soft and fond look in his eyes. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"N-No…" mahinang sagot niya, and it seems unfair not to, and baka siya pa ang red flag sa lalaki with the way he's hiding things, but he just couldn't say it. Ayaw niyang mawala ang mga tingin na 'yan ni Chanyeol. It's terrible, he knows, but he lies a little bit, just to make it seem like he's okay, so he says, "T-There's not much to say about it anyway… matagal na kami hindi nagkakausap. Matagal na siyang tapos. D-Don't worry…"

What he said is ½ true. Totoo naman na hindi na sila nagkakausap at matagal na silang tapos, but there's not much to say ? There's a lot of things to say about it, things that should be opened up before entering a relationship, pero hindi kaya ni Baekhyun out of fear na magbago ang tingin ni Chanyeol sa kanya, na maging katulad din siya ng iba na halos kasuklaman siya sa ginawa niya.

Hindi niya kaya sabihin.

He doesn't want to ruin this.

Chanyeol, being the perfect person that he is, just held his hand, smiled, and said, "Well, that just got added to the list of our similarities, don't you think? Ang dami naman pala natin similarities nyan. It feels like… fate. "

Nakuha pa nitong magbiro and Baekhyun couldn't help laughing at what he said. Alam ni Baekhyun na ginawa 'yun ni Chanyeol to make the atmosphere light. Maybe he didn't do well in concealing it, because even if Chanyeol was joking about it, the way he was squeezing his hand as an attempt to comfort him, says a lot about how observant he is, kung gaano siya kagaling makiramdam.

For that he's thankful.

And yet… even if Chanyeol is close to perfect and always assured him that there's nothing to worry about, always holding his hand to make him feel safe, just like now habang kinukwentuhan lang siya nito, he can't take another step forward in their relationship.

May pumipigil talaga.

It's not just about him not being ready yet, but it's also because of… Chanyeol's previous relationship.

There's something about it, like an inkling, na pumipigil sa kanya. Parang may kailangan pa siya malaman bago pa pasukin ang relasyon na ito and life is just waiting for the right time for it to resurface.

Alam niya, kailangan niyang magtanong pa about it. They never got to talk about it ever again after the first date. Chanyeol also never gave him a reason to ask about it dahil hindi naman ito napapasok sa usapan nila, ni hindi niya nababanggit ang previous relationship niya, nor does he even do things that would make him question about it. 

Alam naman niya, pwede siya magtanong anytime at sasagutin ito ni Chanyeol as honest as he can be, pero inaamin niya, natatakot siya na may malaman pa about it kasi gusto niya talaga si Chanyeol. Paano na lang kung may masabi ito na hindi niya magugustuhan? Something that can be a deal breaker for him?

Parang hindi niya kaya.

Kaya kahit na almost everything about their (potential) relationship feels right, there's still something that feels off that he can't move forward.

"What do you want to do next week pala?" tanong bigla ni Chanyeol which snapped him out of his thoughts.

"Huh?" nag-loading pa saglit ang utak niya, pinoprocess ang tanong niya. "Um… I'll… I'll do groceries next week eh. And just some other things that I have to do at home? I might be busy the whole day.”

"Pwede ka ba samahan?" tanong ni Chanyeol and as always, he looked so hopeful and excited at the idea na makakasama niya si Baekhyun that Baekhyun couldn't help nodding at his suggestion.

Chanyeol's huge smile when he saw him nod was breathtaking. It was always so nice to see Chanyeol happy, lalo na if dahil pa sa kanya.

With Chanyeol always acting like this, gusto niya subukan, pero parang laging may humihila sa kanya, at sinasabing hindi pa pwede.

Sana mali lang siya ng iniisip.

Baekhyun later finds out why something feels… off.

As promised, nagkita ulit sila ni Chanyeol next weekend. Chanyeol looked so excited, kahit ang gagawin lang naman nila ay mag-grocery, but Chanyeol counts that as one of their usual dates. Chanyeol likes to plan things out kaya kahit na ang plano lang naman niya sana ay mag-grocery, may mga iba na silang planong gawin. Baekhyun doesn’t mind naman since being with Chanyeol is fun.

But today was different.

He feels… nervous. Parang nakaka-ilang tingin na siya sa relo niya simula nung nakarating siya. Wala pa rin si Chanyeol, and technically, hindi pa naman siya late, but ewan niya ba kung saan nanggagaling ang kaba na nararamdaman niya. 

Siguro dapat hinayaan na lang niya si Chanyeol na sunduin siya? naisip niya. 

Gusto kasi ni Chanyeol na sunduin siya para sabay na lang silang makapunta (and that they’d get to spend more time kapag ganon), but no matter how pleasant or sweet the idea of having more time with him sounds, Baekhyun insisted na okay lang na ‘wag na kasi mapapalayo lang din siya, since madadaanan naman ‘yung mall bago pa sa tinutuluyan niya.  

Kahit na tumutol pa si Chanyeol, hindi rin niya nagawang malabanan si Baekhyun kaya they ended up agreeing na magkita na lang with promises of spending time together at Baekhyun’s place (kundisyon ni Chanyeol kasi mababawasan daw ang Baekhyun time niya — natawa na lang si Baekhyun dahil sa pauso nitong Baekhyun time , but admittedly, kinilig naman siya doon).

Pero mukhang mali na tumanggi siya sa alok nito?

Paano na lang kung mangyari ‘yung mga nasa palabas? Usually, kapag nakakaramdam ng ganitong klaseng kaba, may masamang nangyayari eh, tipong may maaaksidentw. Jusko. ‘Wag naman sana.

He tries to shake those thoughts away. Tiningnan niya muli ang relo niya, napabuntong-hininga, at saka nilabas naman ang phone niya to check if may call or text na ba si Chanyeol sa kanya, pero wala.

Baekhyun couldn’t help biting his nails, done out of habit when stressed. Hindi talaga siya mapakali. He probably looks weird habang naghihintay siya dito sa may harap ng Fullybooked, pero wala na siyang pakialam. He needed to see Chanyeol now.

Sa sobrang kaba at distracted niya, napatalon siya sa gulat nang bilang may kumalabit sa kanya. Napahawak siya sa may dibdib niya sa sobrang gulat at napatingin sa kung sino ang bigla na lang lumapit sa kanya.

“Jongin,” mahinang sabi niya nang makita ang nobyo ni Kyungsoo. Napahinga muna siya nang malalim bago siya nagsalita muli. “W-What are you doing here…?”

“Bumili ako ng food habang hinihintay si Kyungsoo. May nakalimutan kasi siya bilhin sa supermarket, and just to save time… pinabili na ako food…” sabi nito at saka tinaas ang hawak na paperbag. “Are you okay? Parang hindi ka mapakali. Balisa ka.”

Baekhyun clears his throat and tries his best to act normal. Ayaw naman niyang ma-judge pa siya ng isa niyang kaibigan. It’s just unnecessary worry, anyway, or at least he tries to convince himself that. “Y-yes, I’m okay… may hinihintay lang. Excited, I guess? He he.”

Mukhang effective pa naman pala ang pag-acting niya dahil parang hindi naman ito napansin ng kaibigan. His eyes had this mischievous glint as he said, “Is it your date? Nabanggit ni Kyungsoo na may nanliligaw na raw sa’yo ha. Yie. Hindi na siya third wheel sa amin.”

Tinusok pa nito ang tagiliran niya kaya hindi napigilan ni Baekhyun ang matawa. At least, this is somehow easing his nerves. “Nakwento na pala ni Kyungsoo sa’yo.”

“Of course. Excited nga siya para sa’yo eh,” Jongin said and then giggled, bago ito napapout. “Although, ewan ko dun. Parang worried din, at the same time?”

Baekhyun chuckled. Typical Kyungsoo. “Baka nag-aalala lang since it’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship. You know how he is.”

“That’s what I thought too, but… I don’t know. I think there’s something else? When I asked him anong meron, sabi niya, kapag naconfirm niya na, saka siya magsasabi sa akin and sa’yo. ” 

“Me? What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, honestly. Hinihintay ko rin sabihin niya eh.”

“Baka naman—”

Napatigil sa pagsasalita si Baekhyun nang makita ang mga taong papalapit sa kanila na busy mag-usap. Pakiramdam ni Baekhyun ay tumigil ang pagtibok ng puso niya at ang pag-ikot ng mundo niya.

“I’m going to introduce you to him—” malakas na pagkasabi ng pamilyar na boses nito, pero napatigil din ito sa pagsasalita niya, as if naramdaman ang mga mata ni Baekhyun sa kanya at agad na napatingin sa direksyon niya. Nanlaki ang mata nito and there’s this usual happiness evident in his eyes habang kumakaway sa kanya. “Baekhyun!”

Normally, his gesture and his happiness would’ve made Baekhyun’s heart skip a beat, pero hindi. Hindi ngayon. Nandun ang kaba na pilit niyang binabaliwala kanina. Para na siyang nahihirapan huminga. 

Lalo pang lumala nung napatingin naman si Jongin sa direksyon nito nang marinig ang pagtawag ng pangalan niya. He saw how his eyes widened as well, tuwang-tuwa. “Oh my god! Chanyeol!? Kailan ka pa nandito!? Long time no see!”

Hindi maalis ni Baekhyun ang mata niya sa dalawang taong papalapit sa kanya.

Si Chanyeol at Kyungsoo, magkasama.

He should be happy to see his two friends together. Normally, he would be, kung tipong pinakilala niya si Chanyeol kay Kyungsoo and they immediately got along. It would be nice na close ang mga taong importante sa kanya.

But there’s something about how they were talking a while ago—the familiarity, comfort, and joy—that’s unsettling for him, kahit na saglit lang naman niya ito naobserbahan. 

Alam naman niya na friendly talaga si Chanyeol and that he’s easy to get along with, but with the way that Chanyeol’s enthusiastically talking to Kyungsoo na para bang matagal na silang mag-kaibigan, hindi ito simpleng pagiging friendly lang. No matter how friendly Chanyeol was, hindi naman siya tipo ng taong lalapit na lang bigla sa isang taong hindi niya naman kakilala at ganito kasaya na magkukwento. Not to mention, with the way na Kyungsoo, his friend, na alam niyang hindi naman madaling nagwawarm up sa mga tao, ay tumatango at talagang nakikinig sa sinasabi ni Chanyeol with a small smile on his face, is already a give away na hindi sila nagkakakilala lang ngayong araw.

Maybe he’s overthinking it. He could be overthinking it.

Pero itong utak niya, parang ayaw makisama, dahil bigla niyang naalala kung paanong ang parehong si Chanyeol at Kyungsoo ay nakipaghiwalay rin sa dati nilang asawa. 

It can’t be, right?

Hindi sila dating mag-asawa… diba?

If they were, edi sana nalaman niya. May nagsabi sa kanya agad. 

Habang tahimik na pinapanood na mag-yakapan si Jongin at Chanyeol na halatang sobrang close sa isa’t isa at matagal nang magkakilala, pilit na kimukumbinsi ni Baekhyun ang sarili niya na mali lang siya ng inaakala. 

But when he heard Kyungsoo say, “Oh no…” while looking at him, his eyes widening, mas lalong naging anxious si Baekhyun. “B-Baekhyun…”

Hahakbang sana si Kyungsoo papalapit sa kanya, pero wala pa nga, parang gusto na tumakbo ni Baekhyun papalayo sa kanila. Ito ang kinakatakot ni Kyungsoo.

Nang makita niya si Chanyeol kanina, agad niya siyang tinanong kung may bago ba siyang dinedate ngayon. He wanted to ask immediately kung si Baekhyun ba ‘yon, lalo na at ilang araw na niyang hinihintay ang reply nito sa kanya, but before he can even do that, agad na dumaldal si Chanyeol at sinabi ang lahat ng papuri niya sa taong sinusubukan niyang kilalanin ngayon, and Kyungsoo didn’t have the heart to stop him from talking, not when he looked so excited and in love, kaya hinayaan niya ito magsalita nang magsalita. He was so close to knowing who it was nang saktong makita sila ni Baekhyun.

Tama siya ng iniisip noon.

Si Chanyeol nga… na ex-husband niya… ang nanliligaw kay Baekhyun.

Gusto niya agad makausap si Baekhyun, lalo na nang mapansin niyang namumutla na ito, halatang naintindihan na ang nangyayari at kung ano ang naging relasyon nila ni Chanyeol. He wants to avoid any misunderstandings lalo na at alam niya kung anong ayaw niya sa mga possible na makakarelasyon niya, pero parang bumabalik na agad ang mga pader ni Baekhyun at hindi na magawang makalapit ni Kyungsoo sa kanya.

Parang hindi naman naramdaman ni Chanyeol ang tensyon dahil nakuha pa nitong hawakan ang braso ni Kyungsoo at pinalapit siya kay Baekhyun. Baekhyun couldn't help holding his breath, hinihintay ang susunod na sasabihin ni Chanyeol. Pilit namang tinatanggal ni Kyungsoo ang pagkahawak sa kanya ni Chanyeol. Jusko. Sa lahat naman ng pagkakataon na hindi 'to makakaramdam, ngayon pa!?

"Baekhyun, sorry if I got a little bit late. Nakasalubong ko kasi 'to!" sabi ni Chanyeol at tinuro pa si Kyungsoo. In Baekhyun's eyes, he looked so excited. This kind of look is all too familiar for him . Parang kumikirot ang puso niya habang nakatingin kay Chanyeol. Not you too… "I guess I just wanted you to meet him… since you were asking about him before?"

"Chanyeol…" mahinang pagtawag ni Kyungsoo sa kanya, para sana mag-explain sa kanya at sabihin ang totoo na kilala niya si Baekhyun, pero parang wala itong narinig.

"This is Kyungsoo," sabi ni Chanyeol, obviously clueless sa connection nilang lahat. "Um… he's my ex-husband. We're just friends now."

There it is. Sinabi na ni Chanyeol ang kinatatakutan ni Baekhyun na marinig. 

Baekhyun couldn't help looking at Kyungsoo and feeling… disappointed. Oo, hindi pa naman niya napapakilala si Chanyeol sa kanya noon, kaya posibleng wala siyang alam sa nangyayari, pero alam niya kung anong ayaw niya sa isang tao. At parang lahat ng kinatatakutan niya noon, ang mga insecurity niya, ay bumabalik na lang sa kanya.

Pero paano kung alam niya? Paano kung sinabi ni Chanyeol sa kanya? Tutal… mag-kaibigan pala sila. They're still close, apparently. Very different sa sinabi ni Chanyeol noon na we rarely talk.

He felt… betrayed .

"Then that's Jongin, jowa ni Kyungsoo. It's been a while since I last saw them, and I… I wanted you to meet them since they're my friends."

Napasinghap si Jongin sa narinig, narealize na ang nangyayari. Alam din ni Jongin kung anong ayaw ni Baekhyun, and it's obvious na ngayon niya lang nalaman kung sino si Chanyeol sa buhay ni Kyungsoo. Agad siyang napatingin sa nobyo na nakatingin sa kanya, parang nanghihingi ng tulong, at agad niyang naalala ang sinabi nito sa kanya. Na saka niya lang sasabihin kung anong inaalala niya kung nakumpirma niya na.

Mukhang tungkol dito 'yun.

"Maybe we can hang out with them today?" pag-suggest ni Chanyeol at hindi naman mapigilan ni Kyungsoo na mapakurot na sa kanya, pero wala pa rin epekto. Taena. Hindi niya ba mapansin!? Wala nang kahit anong expression sa mukha ni Baekhyun. "Sabi naman ni Kyungsoo, wala na silang gagawin today? Baka kasi gusto mo sila makilala?"

Hindi makasagot si Baekhyun. Nanginginig na ang kamay niya. He wants to get out of here and never see all of them. Natrigger ang flight or fight niya and he wants to go and run away from all of this.

"I-I don't think that's a good idea…" mahinang sabi ni Jongin kaya napatingin si Chanyeol sa kanya, may kunot sa noo nito. "I think the both of you should talk first."

"Huh?" react ni Chanyeol, clueless as ever. "Bakit—"

Huminga muna nang malalim si Baekhyun bago nagsalita. "I… I forgot something at home. Uuwi na muna ako, Chanyeol."

"Wait, but I thought—"

" No . You should spend some time with them, tutal matagal mo na silang hindi nakikita, diba?" may diin sa pagkasabi nito, and with that, nakaramdam na si Chanyeol. May mali. "Uuwi na ako."

Hindi na niya hinintay pa ang sasabihin nila. Wala siyang pakialam if he acted rude. Ang gusto niya lang ay makaalis na dito. He brisk walks away from them and he doesn't have any plans of stopping. Kahit pa naririnig niya ang pagtawag ni Chanyeol sa kanya, hindi niya ito pinapansin. 

Ayaw niya na siyang makita ulit.

Pero hindi ito nakiayon sa kanya. Agad nakahabol si Chanyeol sa kanya at maingat na hinawakan ang braso niya para pigilan siya sa paglalakad. Pumunta siya sa harap ni Baekhyun, obviously worried.

"Baekhyun, anong problema?" Chanyeol asked with a soft voice. "Let's talk?"

Despite how soft and careful he sounded, hindi pa rin ito enough na pakalmahin si Baekhyun. Paulit-ulit na lang sa utak niya ang nangyari kanina at parang kinakain na siya ng takot at insecurities niya.

"Bitawan mo ako at lumayo ka sa akin," sabi ni Baekhyun, not caring about how harsh it may have sounded, at tinanggal ang pagkahawak ni Chanyeol sa kanya. Baekhyun immediately looked away from him when he saw the pain in his eyes. "I need some time alone. Ayaw muna kitang makita."

Parang hindi naman makagalaw si Chanyeol sa pwesto niya, masyadong nagulat sa sinabi ni Baekhyun. Masyadong nasaktan.

And just like a while ago, hindi na hinintay pa ni Baekhyun ang sunod na sasabihin niya. Naglakad na siya papalayo kay Chanyeol.

He didn't even look back. Iniwan niya lang si Chanyeol doon, naguguluhan at nasasaktan dahil sa mga nangyari.

Napabuntong-hininga si Baekhyun nang makita na naman ang mga messages ni Chanyeol. He still consistently sends him messages kahit na wala siyang natatanggap na reply simula nung araw na iniwan niya lang si Chanyeol sa mall without having an idea of what just happened.

Ni-lock na lang niya ang phone niya, walang plano na mag-reply sa kanya. 

Nasasaktan pa rin siya dahil sa nalaman niya. Alam naman niya, na he should listen to Chanyeol, at hindi rin naman kasalanan ni Chanyeol na hindi niya alam ang kwento ni Baekhyun. 

Pero bumabalik nang bumabalik ang lahat ng insecurities niya, ang lahat ng bagay na pilit niyang binabaon, kasi nakatatak na sa isip niya ang mga nangyari at ang posibilidad na mangyari ang lahat ng 'yun ulit.

Maybe it's a defense mechanism, para lang maiwasan na lang niya na masaktan nang sobra-sobra.

Even though right now, nasasaktan na siya. Ngayon pa lang na hindi niya nakakausap si Chanyeol, masakit na. Syempre, nasanay siyang nakakausap siya lagi, na nakakakwentuhan niya siya tungkol sa araw niya, at dahil halos araw-araw ito, nakasanayan na rin niya. So to cut it all off just like this… mahirap para sa kanya.

Pero ayaw niya nang mas masaktan pa.

Kaya niya 'to ginagawa.

Baekhyun thinks it's for the better, pero nang makita niya ulit si Chanyeol na nakasandal sa may kotse niyang naka-park lang sa harap ng building na tinutuluyan niya, he knows that Chanyeol thinks otherwise.

Hindi pa rin niya siya kayang harapin, katulad nitong mga nakaraang araw kaya tumalikod siya at naghanap na lang muna ng ibang lugar na pwede niyang tambayan. 

Hindi niya tuloy napansin na malungkot siyang pinanood ni Chanyeol na maglakad papalayo sa kanya.

He only finds that out when he receives another set of messages from him.

Mas lalo lang bumigat ang pakiramdam niya dahil sa mga natanggap na message.

Mas lalo lang siyang nahihirapan na iwasan ito.

He sighs, clears his notifications, and walks back to his place with a heavy heart.

Sana kayanin na lang niya na wala na ulit si Chanyeol sa buhay niya.

But as much as he wanted to ignore everything and run away from it, hindi siya hahayaan ng buhay na gawin 'yon.

Nasaktuhan na after ng therapy session ni Baekhyun, nandun si Kyungsoo. Of course he knew what day Baekhyun would be here, so he should've expected it. Halatang-halata na inaabangan siya nito because the moment he steps out of the room, nandun siya, nakaupo at nakatingin na sa kanya.

Ramdam na ramdam ni Kyungsoo na iniiwasan siya ni Baekhyun. Obvious naman with the way that Baekhyun immediately looked away from him nang magkatinginan sila, at dumiretso na agad paalis, ni hindi man lang siya naacknowledge. Kahit isang tango, wala. 

Kyungsoo didn't like it.

Kaya bago pa makalayo si Baekhyun, agad na niya itong pinigilan. Kyungsoo held him by his wrist, and Baekhyun tried to remove his hold, but Kyungsoo didn't let it happen.

Napabuntong-hininga si Baekhyun. Ayaw niya talaga makausap ang kaibigan. Nandun pa rin 'yung feeling that he's been betrayed. "Let me go, Kyungsoo. I have somewhere to go to—"

"No," madiin na sabi ni Kyungsoo. "We have to talk. Hear me out, please."

Ilang araw na bothered si Kyungsoo. He's been trying to reach out to him as well, pero lahat ng messages niya, ignored. Even Jongin couldn't talk to Baekhyun. Kahit nung tinanong niya si Chanyeol, sinabi rin nito na hindi sumasagot si Baekhyun sa kanya and he sounded so… broken. This whole thing is obviously affecting the both of them, all of them, kaya gusto ni Kyungsoo na maging malinaw ang lahat sa kanila.

Ever since the day he found out na si Baekhyun ang kinukwento ni Chanyeol that day sa mall, na ang taong sinasabi ni Chanyeol na the right one for him ay si Baekhyun pala, gustong-gusto niya na magsabi. He feels guilty for not telling any of them, lalo na kay Baekhyun, considering his concerns and hesitations when it comes to relationships, pero hindi naman alam ni Kyungsoo. He only had a hunch, and he needed to confirm it first bago sana siya magsabi sa kanila, but nagkasabay-sabay ang lahat ng 'yon and now they're in this mess.

"Please, Baekhyun?" sabi ni Kyungsoo nang hindi pa rin sumasagot si Baekhyun. "I just want us to talk because I feel like there's something that I should clarify. Just listen to me, and whatever it is that you want to do after this is up to you."

Tinignan ni Baekhyun ang kaibigan, noting how he looked so desperate to just talk to him, ni ayaw siyang bitawan. 

Maybe it's time to stop running away. Maybe his therapist is right about that one.

Baekhyun knows that the more that he tries to evade this, mas lalo siyang maaapektuhan.

Napabuntong-hininga si Baekhyun. "Okay. Let's talk."

Nakahinga nang maluwag si Kyungsoo dahil doon. Finally. "Sa may labas na lang tayo… baka hindi ka kumportable dito."

Wala nang ibang nagawa si Baekhyun kundi ang tumango at sundan ang kaibigan palabas ng building. 

He doesn't know kung anong mangyayari sa usapang ito, but he just hopes that he'll feel better and finally figure out what to do with his conflicting feelings. 

Hindi nila pinapansin ang pagkain sa harap nila, para silang nagpapakiramdaman. Even if Baekhyun wanted to start the conversation and address the issue, hindi niya magawa, too scared of where this conversation will lead them. 

Sobrang bigat lang ng pakiramdam niya.

“Chanyeol misses you… a lot,” pagbasag ni Kyungsoo sa katahimikan. Hindi ito ang inaasahan ni Baekhyun na sasabihin niya. “It’s the first time that I’ve seen him like this.”

Sakto namang umilaw ang phone ni Baekhyun at napatingin siya doon. Si Chanyeol.

Parang nakaramdam siya ng kirot sa puso niya nang makita niya ang message mula kay Chanyeol lalo na nang maalala niya ang sinabi ni Kyungsoo kanina lang. 

Gusto niyang isipin na baka pinaglalaruan lang siya ng dalawang ‘to, na pinaplano nilang ipagsabay ang mga sinasabi nila for it to be the same, para lang paniwalain siya sa lahat ng ‘to bago siya tuluyang saktan, pero… parang niloloko lang din niya sarili niya kung ganun.

Una dahil simula pa lang noong una niyang nakilala si Kyungsoo, even before he got to meet Chanyeol, he’s always been this sincere and helpful person. Hindi siya naghehesitate na sabihin ang gusto niyang sabihin. If there’s anyone in the world that he got to trust after everything that happened to him, si Kyungsoo ‘yun.

Second, he knows in his heart that Chanyeol isn’t someone who can play with other people’s feelings. He’s the most genuine person that he knows, the one that he knows has a kind-hearted soul, na kahit gaano pa katindi ang trust issues niya sa isang tao, Baekhyun never once felt that Chanyeol was putting a show at dinadala lang siya sa mga mabulaklak na salita.  

Pero ang hirap kapag naglalaban ang lahat sa utak niya.

Napabuntong-hininga siya at tinaob niya ang phone niya nang makatanggap na naman ng isa pang message mula kay Chanyeol. Hindi naman ito nakalagpas sa mga mata ni Kyungsoo, and when Baekhyun looked at him, there’s this small smile and a knowing look on his face.

“Si Chanyeol ‘yan no?” tanong nito. Hindi sumagot si Baekhyun sa kanya at napaiwas lang ng tingin. His feelings are… conflicting . Even though he knows that the both of them are the kindest people that he knows, whenever he looks at either of them, he’s reminded of their past… relationship. It’s opening wounds that he thought he already healed from. “Chanyeol’s the nicest person I know. Sobra siya kung magmahal. Halatang-halata ‘yun sa kanya. It’s one of his admirable traits. He’s like… an open book. Nung nakita ko siya after a while, I could see that he’s happy, and it’s all because of… you. Chanyeol really cherishes you, you know?”

Nanatiling tahimik si Baekhyun. Napabuntong-hininga si Kyungsoo. Alam naman niyang hindi magiging madali itong usapan, especially when he knows na may mga bagay na hindi inoopen sa kanya si Baekhyun, and with how affected he was nang malaman niya ang tungkol sa kanila ni Chanyeol, he knows that the wound is too deep, and a simple explanation won’t do. It would take a lot of convincing, of making him see that what he’s saying is true. 

At naiintindihan ‘yun ni Kyungsoo.

Ano pa at pareho silang may mga bagay na dinadala? Mga bagay na hanggang ngayon ay mabigat pa rin para sa kanila?

What Baekhyun went through may not be the same as what he did, but he knows very well how these things that happened in their life can have a huge impact in the way that they live and perceive things.

Kaya hanggang sa kung anong makakaya niya, gagawin ni Kyungsoo ang lahat para hindi ito dalhin ni Baekhyun. Importante para sa kanya si Baekhyun, in the same way that Chanyeol is to him, too. Ayaw niyang dahil dito ay pareho silang mahirapan at masaktan, not when he knows how happy the both of them are with each other.

“That day, when you saw us together… believe me, nakasalubong ko lang siya. Imagine, simpleng pag-kumusta lang ang sinabi ko, pero ang dami niya agad nasabi, and it’s all about you. He can’t stop talking about you, and I’m happy for him. Deserve niya ‘yun, just like how you deserve to be happy as well.”

Napahinga nang malalim si Kyungsoo, as if he’s looking for the right words to say, bago nagpatuloy.

“But I couldn’t be fully happy kasi alam kong you have this rule when it comes to dating someone: They shouldn’t be close to their ex. I know I should’ve told you nung nakita ko pangalan niya sa notifications mo, but I wanted to confirm it first. I tried asking Chanyeol, pero hindi niya ako sinasagot, and—”

“You could’ve asked me nung nakita mo pa lang ang pangalan niya,” hindi mapigilan na sabihin ni Baekhyun.

Napatango si Kyungsoo. After everything that happened, it’s one of the things that he admits na nagkamali siya. “You’re right. I should’ve asked you. I admit, natakot din ako. You just… looked so happy, and it’s not… something that I see everyday, so I didn’t want to cause any panic, or for you to suddenly just… stop and start doubting everything, at ipagkait sa sarili mo ‘yung possibility na sumaya, mahalin, at magmahal, pero… ‘yun pa rin ang nangyari ngayon. I’m sorry, Baekhyun. It’s not my intention, nor Chanyeol’s, to hide this and cause you so much pain.”

Mas lalo niyang nararamdaman ang pagkirot ng puso niya, kahit ano pang pilit niya sa sarili niya na hindi niya dapat nararamdaman 'yon, not when he wants to cut them off his life and run away from them when he knew the truth. Not when he's hurting like this dahil lang sa lahat ng nangyari.

Pero hindi niya kaya.

Nahihirapan siya.

"I'm just wondering… why it escalated this much…" maingat na sabi ni Kyungsoo. “I’m sure nasabi na ni Chanyeol sa’yo na wala naman kami nararamdaman para sa isa’t isa even before we got married. We only did this out of obligation, to fulfill a wish, and none of that is a lie. Our grandparents had this agreement, bago pa kami pinanganak, na dapat kami ipakasal and you know how oldies are. Hindi ‘yan sumisira ng pangako, and even if we didn’t want this to happen, pinagpilitan lang din. We’re just glad na nakapaghiwalay na kami without much problem.  Yes, we’re still friends, but… that’s it. Wala nang iba. I have Jongin now and I love him so much. He knows all about this too, and I know it won’t be easy to convince you or believe what we say, but I mean it, Baekhyun. There’s no other way to explain this kasi ‘yun lang ‘yun eh.”

Napabuntong-hininga si Baekhyun. They’re just saying the same thing. But with what he’s been through, parang ang hirap-hirap paniwalaan. Parang masyado natatak sa utak niya na umuulit lang ulit ang mga nangyari noon. Natatakot siya. He doesn’t want to go through the same thing again. Hindi na niya alam kung mababalik pa ba niya confidence niya, or kung mapapatawad pa ba niya sarili niya kung sakaling mangyari ang lahat ulit.

“I’m really, really hoping that you’d believe me— us— even though I know it may be hard for you . We care so much about you. Paulit-ulit ko ‘tong sasabihin at hindi rin ako magsasawang sabihin ‘to—wala kaming kahit anong intensyon na saktan ka or paikutin,” sabi ni Kyungsoo at napahinga nang malalim. “I won’t force you to immediately believe us. You can give it some thought. I’m just glad that you listened today.”

Baekhyun looked at him in the eye and saw the same wide and sincere eyes that he’s known for so long. Itong taong ‘to ang naging kaibigan niya noong mga panahon na pakiramdam niya, hindi na siya ulit magkakaroon nun. He’s the person who willingly spent some time with him kahit na kakakilala pa lang nila, befriended him, and let him tag along with them nang walang kahit anong reklamo.

Kaso kahit na ganun, kahit gusto niya sabihin ang mga katagang ‘ naniniwala ako’ sa kanya, pinangunugunahan na siya ng utak niya. Nagpapaulit-ulit sa utak niya ang nangyari noon— ang mamuhay na puno ng pagdududa, pagpipilit sa sarili, ang masasakit na salita na binitawan niya, all the insecurities— gusto niya nang burahin ang lahat ng ‘to, ang version niya na ito, and he badly wants to say that he’s better now, pero bumabalik pa rin ito sa utak niya.

“I-I want to…” mahinang sabi ni Baekhyun, but Kyungsoo heard it loud and clear. “I want to believe you, but… it’s just… hard for me… I admit, natatakot din ako…”

“Is it because of what happened to you? The reason why you’re undergoing… therapy?” maingat na tanong ni Kyungsoo, obviously trying to find the right words. Napatango lang si Baekhyun. Kyungsoo put his hand over Baekhyun’s and rubbed small circles on it, which somehow soothed Baekhyun. “I’ve… I’ve always wondered kung saan ba nanggagaling ‘to, kung bakit ayaw mo sa mga taong close sa ex nila, since it’s different in my case, but I really want to understand you and where you’re coming from. If it’s okay… pwede ko bang malaman kung anong nangyari?”

Nanatili lang na nakatingin si Kyungsoo kay Baekhyun, tahimik siyang inoobserbahan. He saw the way he immediately looked away and even tried to remove his hold on him, but Kyungsoo just pat his hand and smiled as a way to comfort him and assure him that he’s there to listen.

Baekhyun wants to say it para magkaintindihan sila, para alam nila kung bakit ganito siya ngayon, pero natatakot siya. 

What if, kapag sinabi niya, mawala na itong kabaitan ni Kyungsoo? Na ang kaninang mata na puro sinseridad at pag-uunawa ay mapapalitan na lang sa isang iglap?

Kapag ba sinabi niya sa kanya ang nangyari, iisipin din ba ni Kyungsoo na mali siya, insecure, at bitter lang siyang tao? Na deserve niya na ganito ang nararanasan niya? Kamumuhian din ba siya? Lalayuan? Kakailanganin na naman ba niya lumipat ng lugar kasi si Kyungsoo na mismo, and maybe later on pati si Chanyeol, ang magpapamukha at magpapaalala sa kanya ng lahat? Paano kung—

His thoughts get interrupted when Kyungsoo squeezes his hand and as if nababasa nito ang iniisip niya, he says, “I’m just going to listen, Baekhyun. There’s no need to worry. I won’t judge you or belittle what you experienced.”

When he looks at Kyungsoo again, nakangiti lang ito as he patiently waits for him to speak. He sighs, tries to muster some courage, and hope that he won’t lose this smile or this friendship kapag sinabi niya sa kanya ang nangyari.

“O-Of course, you know that I’m… divorced…” panimula niya at napayuko, hindi kayang tignan ang magiging reaksyon ng kaibigan. “Pero hindi ko nasabi— masabi— ’yung dahilan kung bakit kami naghiwalay. I’m… scared… ”

Hindi naman nagsalita si Kyungsoo, tahimik lang na nakikinig sa kanya. Baekhyun can feel his eyes on him, and it became harder for him to look at him, mas lalong natatakot at the possibility that he’s being judged now.

“Naghiwalay kami kasi… kasi…” nahihirapan siya sabihin. Sa therapist niya lang ‘to kayang sabihin, and even then, he had a hard time saying it. But when he glanced at Kyungsoo and saw him give him a small nod, he takes a deep breath first and says, “Kasi hindi niya kayang… i-let go ‘yung ex-wife niya… and I couldn’t accept it… you’re probably thinking that I’m ridiculous—”

“No, I’m not,” agad na sabi ni Kyungsoo. “I’m just listening to you. I get what you’re saying—”

“No, y-you don’t get it…” pagputol niya sa sinasabi ni Kyungsoo at agad na napailing. Saka lang siya napatingin sa kaibigan na halatang nagtataka sa sinabi niya. “Hindi ko matanggap ‘yon, and it’s because of that kaya ako nakasakit at nakipaghiwalay sa akin ang asawa ko. Kasalanan ko lahat ng ‘yon. Alam ko, and everyone made sure that I knew that. Lagi ‘yon pinapamukha sa akin, laging pinapaalala, at I don’t think kaya ko pang patawarin ang sarili ko dahil dun.”

“Baekhyun…”

Ayaw na niya sana maalala lahat. Who would even want to remember something that traumatized them, diba? Naginginginig na siya and he’s still scared na magalit din sa kanya si Kyungsoo. He knows he’s wrong, pero he’s had enough of the world being mad at him. Ayaw na niyang maulit ‘yon.

“Baekhyun, breathe, ” sabi ni Kyungsoo at pinisil ulit ang kamay niya. “Don’t force yourself—”

“No, you’re right. You should know why I’m like this…” sabi ni Baekhyun at napahinga nang malalim. “A-Ayaw ko lang na mangyari ulit ‘yung nangyari noon. I don’t want to be that kind of person again. Ayaw kong bumalik sa ganung state.”

“A-Ano bang nangyari…?”

Tinignan niya muli ang kaibigan. Wala siyang nakikitang kahit anong panghuhusga sa mukha nito. He’s just genuinely curious and concerned. Baekhyun briefly wonders if that’s even possible, considering that almost all that knew his story just… got mad at him.

Baka ganun din kapag nalaman niya na ang buong kwento.

Natatakot siya at that possibility, pero alam niya rin, na kailangan malaman ng kaibigan niya ang totoo kaysa na ganitong tinatakbuhan niya lang ang lahat.

They deserve to know.

“I… just got so… mad, ” pagsimula niya sa kwento. “Bago pa kami magpakasal ng ex-husband ko, close na talaga sila ng ex-wife niya. They remained friends after nila magkahiwalay. Honestly, even then, I didn’t like the idea of them still being close, and I told him that, pero sabi niya sa akin, kung hindi ko raw kayang tanggapin na magkaibigan sila ng ex niya, maghiwalay na lang kami… and tanga na kung tanga, pero at that time, mas hindi ko kaya kung maghiwalay kami kaya sige, I tried accepting it. Mahal ko eh. I was hoping that things would get better somehow, someday, because maybe, I was overthinking it. Baka masyado ako nagpapadala sa selos at kung ano-ano na iniisip ko… pero…”

“It didn’t?” mahinang tanong ni Kyungsoo.

Umiling si Baekhyun at binigyan siya ng isang malungkot na ngiti. “They remained close. Closer pa nga ata kahit nung kinasal na kami. I should’ve known… pero tumuloy pa rin ako. Kahit tipong we’re spending time together, isang message lang ng ex-wife niya, he’d stop everything and go to her kasi… kailangan niya raw siya, kaya kailangan niya agad pumunta. Nevermind that we had something planned. It’s like he’d drop everything for his ex-wife. Lumala pa nung nagkasakit ex-wife niya. Halos hindi na siya umuuwi just to be there for her…”

Bumabalik na lang ngayon ang lahat sa utak niya. Alalang-alala niya kung paanong magigising siya na wala sa tabi niya ang dating asawa at matutulog na wala pa rin siya. Aalis siya para sa trabaho na walang tao sa bahay, uuwi na ganun pa rin. Kahit sa messages, napakatipid pa kapag nakikipag-usap. Yes, kinakausap siya nito, kinukumusta, pero para lang siyang obligasyon. Parang napakaabala niya sa oras nila. 

“That went on for weeks. Nagalit ako. Punong-puno ako. So, with a clouded mind, pumunta ako sa ospital, and I couldn’t help it… I couldn’t stop my mouth from talking kahit na nandun kami sa harap niya ex-wife niya. I was so consumed by anger,” pag-kwento niya at napatingala, pinipigilan na tumulo ang luha niya habang inaalala ang mga sinabi niya. “I kept saying how useless he was as a husband, na sana hindi na lang siya nagpakita sa buhay ko, na ‘wag na siya bumalik kung ganito lang din, na magsama na lang sila ng ex niya, and—”

Baekhyun closes his eyes and remembers all the words he said. “Napaka-walang kwenta mong asawa! Sinong asawa ang hindi uuwi sa bahay dahil kailangan siya ng ex niya!? Sinong magpaparamdam sa asawa nila na kailangan nila makipag-kompetensya sa iba para makuha ang atensyon ng asawa nila, ha!? Kailangan ba magkasakit din ako!? Kailangan ko ba magmakaawa para naman bigyan mo ako ng oras mo, para naman umuwi ka sa akin!? Kung ganito lang din, sana hindi na tayo nagpakasal! Magsama kayo nyang magaling mong ex! Kung gusto mo pagbuhulin ko pa kayo, tutal parang ayaw mo na mahiwalay sa kanya! Siguro mas masaya ka talaga sa kanya. Hirap makipaglaban, tangina! Kung may ginagawa lang din kayo sa likod ko, ‘wag na ‘wag ka nang babalik sa bahay at sa buhay ko!" 

He remembers fighting with his ex-husband, screaming to the point na pinipigilan na sila ng mga staff sa ospital, at umiiyak na ang ex-wife nito, pinipilit silang patahimikin at patigilin. Parang wala silang naririnig. Patuloy lang sila sa pagsagutan. That time, wala nang ibang pakialam si Baekhyun kundi ang mailabas ang lahat ng galit at sakit na nararamdaman niya. 

He’s never been that mad and he regrets everything that he said, the way he approached the situation, kasi dahil dun, nagkagulo-gulo na ang lahat. 

“And… well, dahil sa mga sinabi ko, we got divorced, and nalaman ng lahat ang nangyari. Everyone called me a bitter… and insecure person… lahat sila nagalit at lumayo sa akin. Ang sama-sama raw ng ugali ko. Wala akong pinipiling lugar. Ginawa ko pa sa ospital. Napahiya ang lahat at naapektuhan pa ‘yung ex-wife niya sa nangyari. Tinanggap ko lang lahat ng sinabi nila and I was willing to punish myself for the rest of my life, pero ang hirap. Ang hirap-hirap kapag lahat galit sa’yo at iniiwan kang mag-isa. I had to leave… kaya ako nandito ngayon,” sabi niya. “I was hoping that I can somehow continue living here… try to be better and be someone that learned from the past… through therapy, alam ko naman kung saan ako nagkamali, kaya iwas na iwas ako sa ganung sitwasyon, pero hindi ko naman inaakala na ngayong binuksan ko na ulit puso ko, mangyayari ulit ‘to.”

“No, Baekhyun,” agad na sabi ni Kyungsoo, and when Baekhyun looked at him, inaasahan niya na jinujudge siya nito, na baka galit sa kanya, but he looked… frustrated? Hindi sa kanya, but for something else. At the same time, there’s also a hint of sadness in his face.

Why?

Hindi lang talaga mapigilan ni Kyungsoo. Sino ba naman hindi kung halatang sobrang natrauma rin si Baekhyun sa nangyari, na sobrang sinisisi niya ang sarili niya, kahit na hindi naman lahat ay kasalanan niya. 

“This isn’t the same situation. That’s something that I can assure you.”

May diin sa pagkasabi ni Kyungsoo, halatang siguradong-sigurado sa sinasabi. Hindi naman maiwasan ni Baekhyun ang magulat sa naging reaksyon ng kaibigan, kasi… talaga ba? Hindi ito galit sa kanya? Hindi siya nito kinamumuhian? 

“Maybe you were wrong for barging in like that, with the way you approached all of this, but… anyone in your situation would’ve been mad. Kung ako ang nasa sitwasyon mo, magagalit din ako. Why did he make you feel like you’re not someone that he should prioritize as well? Bakit parang ang dali niya isantabi ka? I understand na may sakit ‘yung tao, pero Baekhyun, that doesn’t give him the excuse na baliwalain ka. Asawa ka niya, pero parang hindi man lang siya willing na gampanan ‘yung role na ‘yon sa buhay mo. From what you’re saying, ni hindi siya gumawa ng kahit ano to make you feel included or para i-assure ka na wala naman kahit anong namamagitan sa kanila bukod sa pakikipagkaibigan—wait, don’t tell me… meron?”

Umiling si Baekhyun. “No… they said na wala. Everyone said na wala. Kahit ‘yung babae… tinext niya pa ako para sabihin na walang namamagitan sa kanila, and that he was just being a friend. Nag-sorry pa siya for making me feel that way. I ignored the message, but… yeah, that’s what they said… after that, hindi na makapunta ang ex ko sa kanya kasi sinasabi na umuwi sa amin. 'Yung babae na ang nag-kusa, but it ended up na away lang kami nang away because of what happened."

“Still… mali pa rin. Wala man lang assurance. He didn't even make any effort para kahit papaano maparamdam na mahalaga ang relasyon niyo para sa kanya. Sinabi lang na hiwalayan mo siya kung hindi mo kayang tanggapin ‘yon. So easily. Who does that? Inaway-away ka pa imbis na pag-usapan niyo nang maayos 'yung problema,” inis na sabi ni Kyungsoo, pero huminga siya nang malalim para pakalmahin ang sarili niya. “Hay nako. I swear… hindi ‘yun mangyayari sa inyo ni Chanyeol, if that’s what’s holding you back. This is not history repeating itself, I can tell you that with so much confidence. Close kami, yes, but I won’t demand his time or presence all the time. Why would I even do that? Mas gugustuhin ko pa makasama si Jongin kesa dyan kay Chanyeol. Kailangan kasama ko si Jongin sa bawat parte ng buhay ko, pero si Chanyeol… eh…"

Kyungsoo was trying to make things light, but talaga namang inis na inis si Kyungsoo. It just doesn’t sit right with him na si Baekhyun lang ang sinisisi sa lahat when he was obviously neglected all throughout the relationship. Hindi naman niya dapat ‘yun nararanasan.

“At mas lalong hindi rin gagawin ni Chanyeol ang ginawa niyang ex mo. Hindi ‘yun tipo ng tao na iiwan na lang tao bigla para lang sa ex. No, never, not even for me. Kapag minahal ka ni Chanyeol, one thing’s for sure—ikaw ang uunahin niya and he’d make you feel that, no matter what,” patuloy na pag-assure ni Kyungsoo. “I know it would be hard for you, but you might want to consider telling these things to Chanyeol, too. Mas maaassure ka kung galing sa kanya ang lahat ng ‘to.”

Binigyan lang siya ni Baekhyun ng isang maliit na ngiti. Kyungsoo knows that it won’t be easy. Hindi naman talaga madaling mag-open up, but he can only hope that because of this talk of theirs, magkaroon man lang ng kaunting push si Baekhyun para kausapin na ulit si Chanyeol. He knows very well that Chanyeol will understand Baekhyun’s situation, ni hindi rin siya nito ijujudge based sa nakaraan niya.

“I’m happy that you were able to tell me. I know hindi ‘yun madaling gawin, but at least, I hope na gumaan pakiramdam mo,” sabi ni Kyungsoo.

“It…” pinakiramdaman ni Baekhyun ang sarili at napahinga nang malalim, somehow relieved that the same heaviness wasn’t there, especially nang malaman niya ang reaksyon ng kaibigan. “It did, somehow…”

“Then that’s good to know. Tinatago mo ‘yan for so long, I guess out of fear that I’ll react the same way as others pero… hindi, Baekhyun. Naiintindihan kita. Maybe I wasn’t there to see everything, pero alam ko rin kung ano ang tama at mali base sa nakwento mo,” dagdag pa ni Kyungsoo. “I promise you that it’s not the same case. I hope you believe me. Hindi kita mamadaliin nor will I push this topic further, but I just hope that you’d think about everything that I said. I swear, hindi mangyayari ang kinakatakutan mo. Baka ako pa mismo magalit kay Chanyeol kung malaman kong hindi ka niya piniprioritize. Hindi ko siya titigilan na i-spam. Gusto mo sabay pa natin siyang sugurin. I can be very annoying when I want to be.”

Hindi naman mapigilan ni Baekhyun ang bahagyang matawa, iniisip kung paanong susugod ang kaibigan kay Chanyeol. It’s a funny thought, and he’s glad that they can talk like this.

“But, really, Baekhyun, you should consider telling these to Chanyeol. You know that he’s always willing to listen, lalo na if ikaw pa ‘yon. Gustong-gusto ka nun makilala. Good or bad, he’ll understand.”

Looking back at the way Chanyeol always paid attention to him and patiently waited for him to open up to him, even before all of this happened,  ni hindi niya kayang i-deny ang sinabi ni Kyungsoo. “I-I know…”

Ngumiti si Kyungsoo at saka napatingin sa pagkain na kanina pa nila hindi pinapansin dahil sa pag-uusap nila. “Well, let’s eat? Ayoko na pagpahintayin pa ang pagkain.”

Baekhyun chuckles. “You’re right.”

Thankfully, hindi na ganun kabigat ang atmosphere while they were eating. Baekhyun appreciated that Kyungsoo was just talking about random things, obviously not forcing them to talk about their previous topic. Mukhang tinototoo nito na hindi siya nito mamadaliin at hindi na muna nila pag-uusapan, now that everything has been said. Dahil sa ginagawa nito, mas nacoconvince lang si Baekhyun na si Kyungsoo ay isa sa mga taong alam niyang kaya niya pagkatiwalaan, dahil after niya malaman ang lahat, he’s still here, talking about his day or what he missed, without any signs of him ignoring him after this day.

It’s just their usual way of hanging out.

Baekhyun was already thinking that this day would end nicely. Nakapagbayad na sila at naghahanda na sana umalis, nagtatawanan pa rin dahil kinukwento ni Kyungsoo kung paanong nadulas si Jongin sa may C.R. nila kanina at inimitate pa niya kung paano siya tinatawag-tawag ni Jongin, but things shifted when someone suddenly stood beside their table. Unti-unting nawala ang ngiti niya nang makita niya kung sino iyon.

“ Hamin ,” bulong niya at napaiwas ng tingin nang makita ang ngisi sa labi nito. Saka niya rin nakita ang mga taong kasama niya, ‘ yung mga dati nilang kaibigan, at lalong naging uncomfortable nang makita ang mapanghusga nilang mga tingin at ang mga bulungan nila.

Nagtaka naman si Kyungsoo. “Sino—”

Napatigil sa pagsasalita si Kyungsoo nang umiling si Baekhyun, parang sinasabi na tumahimik na siya, at dahil lang sa ginawa niya, and the way he suddenly lost his smile and became uncomfortable, nagets niya na agad kung sino ito.

Ang ex-husband ni Baekhyun.

Inobserbahan ni Kyungsoo ang lalaki, at in all honesty, wala siyang makitang espesyal sa lalaking ito. He looks… decent. Sorry kung nagmumukha siyang judger, pero sadyang hindi lang siya tipo ng tao na mapapalingon ka. Plus, nakakairita rin makita ang ngisi sa labi niya at halatang minamaliit at hinuhusgahan na si Baekhyun sa tingin pa lang na binibigay nito sa kanya.

“Nandito ka lang pala nagtatago?” sabi ng lalaki, hindi pa rin mawala-wala ang ngisi sa labi. “And, wow, you look like you’re having fun. Alam ba nitong kasama mo kung anong klaseng tao ka?”

“Hamin, ‘wag dito, please…” mahinang sabi ni Baekhyun sa kanya.

But that did not stop the guy. Narinig pa niya ang mahinang pagtawa ng isa sa dati nilang kaibigan, as if in disbelief with what he just said. 

“Anong ‘wag dito? May hiya ka na ngayon? The last time I checked, wala ka namang pakialam kung namamahiya ka ng mga tao in a public place. Kayang-kaya mo nga gawin sa harap ng may sakit, sa ospital, so what’s so wrong about saying all of these here at the restaurant? Don’t tell me… ayaw mong marinig nitong kasama mo ang mga sinasabi ko? Hindi niya ba alam?”

Natahimik si Baekhyun nang marinig ang sinabi nito, and Kyungsoo had a straight face on, silently listening and checking on his friend. 

“He should know. Hey, sir, alam mo ba na ang kapal ng mukha ng kasama mo na ‘yan?” sabi ni Hamin kay Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo just raised an eyebrow at him, pinipigilan ang sarili na sagutin siya. “Nagkakatuwaan kayo ngayon kahit hindi naman niya deserve. Ang kapal lang. How can he even laugh and think that he has the right to be happy, eh siya ang dahilan kung bakit wala na si Ara ngayon? Dahil sa ginawa niya? Ang hina-hina na nung tao, tapos magca-cause ka pa ng sobrang stress? Paano mo nagagawang tumawa at makipag-kaibigan kung kani-kanino?”

Napayuko lang si Baekhyun at tinanggap ang lahat ng sinasabi nito. Napahinga naman nang malalim si Kyungsoo, pilit na pinapakalma ang sarili kahit hindi niya gusto ang naririnig. They can already feel other people’s eyes on them, halatang nagtataka sa nangyayari at sa pinag-uusapan. Mas dumadami na rin ang nagbubulungan. Kyungsoo looks at the other people behind this guy Baekhyun called Hamin, at nakangisi lang sila, talagang nagpapaka-kunsintidor. 

“Dahil sa’yo, araw-araw akong binabangungot tungkol sa nangyari. Paulit-ulit na lang sa utak ko ang lahat, mapa-gising man o tulog. Wala ka bang konsensya!? While all of us are grieving at nabubuhay na galit na galit sa’yo, ikaw, nandito ka, may gana pang magsimula ng panibagong buhay, magpakasaya, at makipag-kaibigan, na parang wala kang ginawang kasalanan. Nagsisisi talaga akong nakilala kita at pinakasalan kita. Sana hindi ka sumaya kahit kailan. I hope you never move on. I hope your friend leaves you. Hayop ka—”

“Hindi ka pa ba tapos? Nakakarindi ka na eh,” hindi na mapigilang sabihin ni Kyungsoo. Nagulat si Baekhyun, maski si Hamin at ang dati nilang kaibigan, hindi inaasahan ang sinabi niya. “Sorry if what I’m about to say won’t make you feel better, pero wala akong plano na iwanan si Baekhyun and end our friendship. Maski ang iba naming kaibigan, unfortunately for you, hindi rin nila gagawin ‘yon.”

Hinawakan ni Baekhyun ang kamay niya at nakita niya pa itong umiiling, pinapatigil siya sa pagsasalita, pero hindi niya iyon sinunod. He can’t just sit there habang kung ano-ano ang sinasabi kay Baekhyun. Halata kay Baekhyun na plano niya lang tanggapin ang lahat, at si Kyungsoo, ayaw niya ‘yon, kaya siya na ang makikipag-away para sa kaibigan.

“You don’t have any idea what kind of person Baekhyun is—”

Pinutol na naman ni Kyungsoo ang sinasabi nito. “Alam ko naman lahat ng sinasabi mo. I also know what his faults are, pero alam ko rin kung anong klase kang asawa. Don't act all high and righteous when you're nothing like that."

“Excuse me!? Sinisiraan lang niya ako sa’yo. Maayos ako—”

“No, tell me, sinabi mo ba kay Baekhyun na makipaghiwalay na lang siya sa’yo kung hindi niya matatanggap ang friendship niyo ng ex-wife mo?” natahimik ang lalaki nang marinig ang sinabi ni Kyungsoo which just confirmed na totoo naman ang sinasabi ni Baekhyun. “Oh, so tama? Hindi ka sinisiraan lang, ‘no? So tama rin kung sasabihin ko na may kwenta ka as a friend of your ex-wife , pero wala kang kwentang asawa.”

“Aba—”

“Alam mo, kung hindi mo naman pala kaya gawing priority ang asawa mo, bakit nagpakasal pa kayo? Sinabi naman ng asawa mo na hindi siya kumportable sa friendship niyo nung ex-wife mo, pero imbis na i-assure mo siya, sinabihan mo pa na mag-hiwalay na lang kayo,” hindi na nakasagot ang lalaki, halatang nabigla. “Palibhasa kasi, alam mong hindi ka niya kayang hiwalayan kaya ka ganyan. Must be nice to have a fallback, no? Pakiramdam mo nyan ang pogi-pogi mo na. Hindi ka mabitawan ng kaibigan ko kaya tinetake advantage mo lang ‘yon.”

Talagang tuloy-tuloy lang si Kyungsoo sa sinasabi. Kahit ano pang pagpigil ang gawin ni Baekhyun, talagang hindi ito tumitigil. Inis na inis talaga. 

“Kung lagi mo lang din pipiliin ang ibang tao over your own husband, hindi mo deserve ng relasyon. Ever. Walang kahit na sinong tao ang deserve na makarelasyon ka,” madiin na pagkasabi niya, walang pakialam sa kung paanong ang sama ng tingin ng lalaking ‘to sa kanya. “And your ex-wife, Ara, diba? Tama ba ang rinig ko? Bless her soul. Sana patahimikin niyo na siya, hindi ‘yung panay daldal kayo dito tungkol sa kung sino ang may kasalanan o sinisisi niyo na parang si Baekhyun pa ang nag-alaga sa kanya. Siya ba ‘yung nandun sa ospital? Siya ba ang doctor? Siya ba ang nag-aalaga? Diba, hindi? Kayo ‘yon. May nightmares ka? Edi—”

“Kyungsoo!” pagtawag ni Baekhyun sa kaibigan, his last attempt to stop him from what he’s saying, lalo na at baka magbitaw ito ng salitang maaari niyang pagsisihan. Alam na alam niya ang pakiramdam na ‘yon. Napatingin siya sa mga tao sa paligid nila at nakaramdam ng hiya nang makitang pinag-uusapan na sila. Hinatak niya ang kaibigan niya patayo. Ayaw na niya ng gulo. “Tara na. Kumalma ka na. Hamin, I’m sorry… aalis na kami…”

Hindi na nila hinintay pa na sumagot ang lalaking talagang nagulat sa mga sinabi ni Kyungsoo. Nagmumumble pa si Kyungsoo, halatang gusto pa rin makipag-away, kahit na hinahayaan niyang hatakin siya ni Baekhyun paalis ng restaurant.

Once they were out, napabuntong-hininga si Baekhyun at saka humarap sa kaibigan. “Hindi mo na dapat ginawa ‘yon.”

“Tapos hahayaan ko sila na tapak-tapakan ka nang ganon? No fucking way. Kung ayaw mong makipag-away, ako ang gagawa nun para sa’yo,” sagot ni Kyungsoo, halatang inis na inis pa rin. “Kung kaya niya mamahiya ng tao sa restaurant na ‘yon, pwes kaya ko rin. ”

“Still, what you did and said were not very nice. Hinayaan mo na lang dapat. Pasok sa isang tenga, labas sa kabila na lang ang ginagawa ko.”

Umiiling si Kyungsoo, still mumbling things about how he doesn’t deserve those, at how marami pa siyang gustong sabihin. Napabuntong-hininga na lang si Baekhyun. 

This wasn't how he expected this day to end.

“Stop mumbling na. Hayaan mo na, Kyungsoo. This isn’t worth your energy. Hindi mo kailangan gawin ang mga ‘to. Kaya ko ang sarili ko. ”

“Pinagtanggol lang naman kita, like what any friend would’ve done.”

Baekhyun’s heart softens when he hears that. Siguro dahil hindi siya sanay na may gumagawa nito para sa kanya. For so long, he’s been on his own. Hinahayaan niya lang ang lahat na sabihin kung anong gusto nila at lahat ng paninisi na ginagawa nila, thinking that he deserves all those words, kaya nakakapabinago sa pakiramdam na may ganitong nagtatanggol sa kanya.

Seeing how Kyungsoo was willing to protect him and be there for him just made him feel that his friend was really serious and genuine about not leaving him. Mas lalo lang nitong napapatunayan na mapagkakatiwalaan siya, and for that, he’s grateful.

He admits that it feels nice to have someone protecting him, but still… hindi niya pa rin nagustuhan ang sinabi ng kaibigan. 

So even if he wanted to say thank you to his friend, hindi niya magawa. Ayaw naman niya i-tolerate 'yon at isipin na kung magpapasalamat siya, tama lang ang ginawa niya, when that's not the case.

Still, he wants to express his gratitude in some way, so he says, “Kumalma ka na. Tara na lang doon sa may cafe. Ililibre na lang kita kung ‘yun ang magpapakalma sa’yo.”

Agad naman nawala ang kunot sa noo ng kaibigan niya. Napalitan ito ng isang malaking ngiti. “Seryoso ba!? Tara agad!”

Hindi naman mapigilan na matawa ni Baekhyun dahil sa reaksyon nito. Nauna pa nga si Kyungsoo na maglakad, talagang g na g malibre at makakain pa.

“Basta, Baekhyun, kung gusto mo ng magsasalita at makikipag-away para sa’yo, sabihan mo ako. Ako na ‘to.”

Lalo lang natawa si Baekhyun sa narinig. “No, I won’t need it.”

But he appreciates the thought, gusto niyang sabihin, pero hindi niya magawa, hindi pa rin talaga sanay. Still, he’s grateful na nandyan si Kyungsoo para sa kanya. He can only express this gratitude of his by treating him. Sana na lang ay ramdam ‘yon ng kaibigan.

“Baekhyun,” seryosong pagtawag ni Kyungsoo at humarap sa kanya. Nagtaka pa siya sa sudden change sa expression niya. “Seryosong nakakagalit ang ginawa nila, and I would do what I did again, kahit ayaw mo, if it means that I get to stand up for you.”

Hindi naman alam ni Baekhyun kung anong isasagot niya sa sinabi ng kaibigan, pero katulad kanina… he’s really glad that he has someone like Kyungsoo in his life.

Masaya siya na hindi nawala at kailan man mawawala ang pagkakaibigan nila. 

Napatunayan niya ‘yon nang hindi pa rin nagpapakita ng kahit anong sign si Kyungsoo na aalis siya after what he knew. He’s still the same.

“Promise me… na kakausapin mo si Chanyeol,” dagdag pa ni Kyungsoo. “Mas… mas matindi pa ‘yun sa akin. You’d really know that he cares for you a lot. So I hope you give him a chance and let him enter your life.”

Ngumiti si Baekhyun at napatango. After this talk and after niya makita kung paano tinake ni Kyungsoo ang nalaman niya, kahit papaano ay nagkaroon siya ng lakas ng loob na sabihin kay Chanyeol ang totoo.

Sana lang ay totoo ang sinabi ni Kyungsoo—na maiintindihan siya ni Chanyeol. 

Kasi kung hindi… baka hindi niya kayanin ang sakit, kahit ano pang pilit at pangungumbinsi na gawin niya sa sarili niya na okay lang at deserve niya ‘yon.

Sa ngayon, panghahawakan niya na lang muna ang ideya na makikinig si Chanyeol sa kanya at kahit na malaman niya ang lahat, hindi siya mawawala, kasi kung hindi niya panghahawakan ito, baka unti-unti lang mawala ang lakas ng loob niya.

Deserve din ni Chanyeol na malaman kung sino siya at kung ano ang kwento niya.

Papikit-pikit si Chanyeol na naglakad papunta sa may pintuan. Kanina pa may kumakatok and even if he wanted to ignore it, hindi niya rin magawa dahil mukhang wala itong plano na tumigil. 

Sana lang ay importante ito.

Kakagising niya lang at hindi pa sapat ang tulog niya. Masyado kasi siyang late nakatulog, too worried about Baekhyun kahit na sinabi naman ni Kyungsoo na nagkita na sila kahapon at okay lang si Baekhyun at willing na siyang makipag-usap sa kanya. He was relieved to know that, pero still, hindi niya pa rin naman maiwasan ang mag-alala. 

Ang tagal na nilang hindi nakakapag-usap.

He’s been consistently sending him messages, at araw-araw,  humihiling siyang makatanggap ng reply from him. Hindi niya pinipilit at naiintindihan naman niyang kailangan ni Baekhyun ng space after what he found out, pero hindi niya rin naman ikakaila na sabik na sabik na siyang makita, makausap, at makasama ulit si Baekhyun.

Kaya nang pagkabukas niya ng pintuan at nakita niya si Baekhyun, parang hindi siya makagalaw. Iniisip niya kung nananaginip ba siya, tipong sa kakaisip niya sa lalaki, nagpakita na lang siya. 

But when Baekhyun smiled and gave him a small wave, he just knew na siya nga itong nasa harap niya.

Nung sinabi ni Kyungsoo na willing na makipag-usap si Baekhyun sa kanya, hindi naman niya inaasahan na the next day talaga sila magkakausap.

He’s so relieved and happy to see him here. Sa sobrang saya niya, kahit walang gawin at sabihin si Baekhyun, okay na siya, basta nasa tabi niya lang ito at masisigurado niyang okay siya. 

‘Yun lang ang mahalaga sa kanya.

Baekhyun, on the other hand, tried his best not to look so nervous. Pagkatapos kasi nilang mag-usap ni Kyungsoo kahapon, tinatak na ni Baekhyun sa isip niya na kailangan niyang makausap si Chanyeol. 

And he wanted to do it immediately. Habang may lakas ng loob pa siya. 

Still, hindi pa rin niya maiwasan ang kabahan. Ilang minuto rin siyang tumitig sa harap ng pintuan ni Chanyeol, unsure of what to do, at mas lalong kinabahan nang ang tagal bago nito buksan ang pintuan.

He was already overthinking it—na kesyo wala si Chanyeol, wrong timing, or baka ayaw na talaga siya nitong makita at makausap pa.

But when Chanyeol opened the door and he looked so cute with bed hair at halatang kakagising lang, hindi naman napigilan ni Baekhyun ang mapangiti.

Namiss niya itong makita.

And he admits that Chanyeol can still make him feel the same things after a while. 

Bago pa makapagsalita si Baekhyun, agad na siyang hinatak papasok ni Chanyeol. Mahigpit, pero hindi masakit, ang pagkahawak nito sa kanya, halatang ayaw siyang pakawalan. Baekhyun just let him be led sa kung saan man, tinititigan lang si Chanyeol na seryoso ang mukha.

Pinaupo ni Chanyeol si Baekhyun sa may couch, and for a few seconds, walang nagsasalita sa kanila. Nakatingin lang sila sa mata ng isa’t isa, taking in each other’s presence. Pareho sila nakakaramdam ng matinding pagkasabik after nilang hindi magkita for a while. 

Baekhyun couldn’t speak, like in a trance, even more so nang hinawakan ni Chanyeol ang pisngi niya with that same small and soft smile on his face. “It’s still early. Have you eaten breakfast?”

Hindi naman ‘yun inaasahan ni Baekhyun. Akala niya, they’ll immediately talk about the problem, pero ito si Chanyeol, tinatanong siya kung kumain na ba siya. Ni walang bahid ng pagkainis sa mukha niya after what he did and for waking him up this early.

Wala na lang siya ibang nagawa kundi ang umiling dahil dumiretso lang din talaga siya dito first thing in the morning after niya pag-isipan ang lahat ng gusto niyang sabihin sa kanya.

“Okay, I’ll cook something,” Chanyeol said and ruffled his hair. “You look like you didn’t sleep. Nakapagpahinga ka ba kahapon?”

I should be the one asking you that, isip ni Baekhyun, noting how Chanyeol had bags under his eyes, halatang hindi rin maayos na nakatulog.

“S-Shouldn’t we… talk first?” nag-aalangan na tanong ni Baekhyun. “I… I came here because I want us to talk about what happened.”

Hindi lang talaga maiwasan ni Chanyeol ang mag-alala. Even though Baekhyun looks good (as always) and looks fine, hindi rin naman nawawala kay Chanyeol ‘yung urge to take care of him, lalo na nang mapansin niyang parang kulang ito sa pahinga at malaman niyang hindi pa pala ito kumakain. Talagang dumiretso siya dito ngayong umaga.

“We can talk later. You should eat first, ha? Wait—”

“N-No…” sabi ni Baekhyun, kinakabahan. “W-We should talk first… baka mawalan na ako ng lakas ng loob…”

Nakuha pang bahagyang tumawa ni Baekhyun, obviously trying to lighten up the mood, pero nahalata pa rin naman ni Chanyeol ang kaba nito. Ayaw naman niyang ganito ang pakiramdam ni Baekhyun around him. He wants him to be safe and comfortable, so he smiles, and says, “Okay. We’ll talk. Wait here.”

Nagtataka naman siyang pinanood ni Baekhyun na saglit umalis ng living room. Nagmamadali si Chanyeol na mag-ayos kahit papaano, just to make himself look presentable, at kumuha ng snacks na maaaring maibigay kay Baekhyun for the meantime.

Agad din siyang nakabalik sa kung nasaan si Baekhyun at ngumiti lang nang makita ang gulat na itsura nito, probably dahil hindi inaasahan na may dala pa rin siyang food. Wala eh, hindi niya talaga mapigilan.

“Here. At least have some snacks,” sabi niya at umupo sa tabi niya. Pinaglagyan pa niya ito ng juice sa baso.

Napatitig lang si Baekhyun sa kanya, pinapanood kung paano siya nito asikasuhin, at iniisip kung deserve niya ba talaga ito?

After what he did?

After niyang umiwas sa kanya?

“What’s your relationship with Kyungsoo?” hindi mapigilan na itanong ni Baekhyun, kahit na alam naman na niya ang isasagot nito. He wanted to start with this topic. 

Napatigil naman si Chanyeol sa pag-asikaso sa kanya at saka napatingin sa kanya, still with that small smile on his face, parang hindi pa nagulat. He still had that same look on his face, unfazed and patient, when he first said that he got divorced at kinuwento niya kay Baekhyun ang nangyari.

“He's my ex-husband. Now, just a friend,” sagot niya. “There’s nothing going on between us. We were only married on paper. We only got married kasi ‘yun hiling ng grandparents namin because they made a promise. Never namin nagustuhan ang isa’t isa.”

Unlike other people who would probably get tired hearing the same question over and over again, napansin ni Baekhyun na parang hindi pinamukha ni Chanyeol na paulit-ulit na ang tanong niya, nor did he even look annoyed or tired for saying the same thing. These little things, like the way Chanyeol can be so patient with him, is something that he’s grateful for. 

Not once did Chanyeol look away from him. Gusto talaga patunayan ni Chanyeol na nagsasabi siya ng totoo. Hindi niya alam kung paano, kasi right now, he’s being as sincere and truthful as he is, but Chanyeol is also aware na hindi magiging madali para kay Baekhyun na basta na lang magtiwala.

At wala siyang pakialam kahit ilang beses niya pa ito ulit-ulitin. If this is the way that he’ll be able to assure Baekhyun, he’d do it any time, just as long as Baekhyun would feel that he’s someone that he can trust, and that what he’s saying is true.

“I’m sorry,” bulong ni Baekhyun at napaiwas ng tingin kay Chanyeol. “I’m sorry if… paulit-ulit ako.”

“There’s no need to say sorry,” mahinang sagot ni Chanyeol, and when he glanced at him again, nandun pa rin ang ngiti nito, as if he really didn’t mind. “I would gladly answer any question that you have, especially if it’s something that can make you feel better, so just ask. I won’t mind, even if nasabi ko na siya noon, or kahit paulit-ulit pa ‘yan. I’d rather have you talking and asking me the same question over and over again instead of you getting drowned in your thoughts and bad memories. So, talk to me, okay? Ask me, and I would do anything to assure you and make you feel better.”

Para namang gusto maiyak ni Baekhyun nang marinig ang sinabi nito. For so long, pakiramdam niya, lahat ng tao, galit na galit sa kanya. Para siyang tinalikuran ng buong mundo, and Baekhyun was left there alone to pay for the things that he did with no chances of redemption. 

Pero ito si Chanyeol, nagpapakita ng kabaitan at nagpapakita ng ngiting para lang sa kanya  na akala niya ay hindi na niya kahit kailan pa matatanggap muli.

Sa mga ganitong pagkakataon talaga nawawala ang mga pagdududa niya. Gusto niya na lang paniwalaan at panghawakan ang lahat ng ito habang tahimik na umaasa na maging tama at makabubuti  ang lahat ng ito para sa kanya.

He silently wishes that this is truly something that he deserves, that whatever this is is not something that will prove him na nangyayari lang ulit ang nangyari noon.

“I… I know that you'd do all of those… that you'd listen to me and tell me the truth whenever I ask," mahinang sabi niya. "I'm sorry that it's just hard for me to do that… especially after ko malaman 'yung sa inyo ni Kyungsoo. I'm sorry if… lumala ng ganito… at umiwas pa ako…"

Agad namang umiling si Chanyeol, hinaplos ang pisngi niya, at pinunasan ang luhang biglang tumulo mula sa mata ni Baekhyun. Saka lang niya narealize na naiyak pala siya dahil sa pagka-overwhelm sa nararamdaman. 

"It's fine—"

"It's not," pagputol niya sa sasabihin ni Chanyeol. He gently removes Chanyeol's hold on him. "I… I should've told you nung una pa lang, but I didn't know how. Natatakot ako. Natatakot ako sa magiging reaksyon mo. Natatakot ako sa kung anong malalaman ko mula sa'yo, and… and natatakot ako na baka mawala ka sa akin kapag nalaman mo ang nakaraan ko, na mawala 'to—"

"No, you're not going to lose me or what we have," agad na sabi ni Chanyeol. "Remember what I told you before? Sabi ko, once you’re ready to share all of your worries, I'm going to listen to you, my feelings won’t change, and I'm still going to be here after—"

"You don't know that! How can you be so sure?" frustrated na sabi ni Baekhyun. "Hindi mo pa nga alam ang kwento ko!"

Hindi nagsalita si Chanyeol, opting for Baekhyun to let it all out, kasi alam niyang kailangan na kailangan ni Baekhyun na gawin 'yon bilang isang tao na kinimkim ang lahat ng ito. He simply looked at him and rubbed small circles on his hand to comfort him, na parang hindi rin napapansin ng lalaki dahil masyado itong consumed ng emosyon at ng mga iniisip niya.

"I'm nothing like you, Chanyeol. You're this loving and understanding person, ni hindi ka nagagalit sa akin after what I did. You're just so good, so kind-hearted. It's like you're so sure of this no matter what at ang laki-laki ng tiwala mo sa akin— sa atin, " napahinga nang malalim si Baekhyun at tinuro ang sarili niya. "While me? I'm a fucking mess. Lahat nagalit sa akin because of what I did. I can't even forgive myself. I can't make myself forget, so even if now, you're being the best person ever, there's a part of me na hindi 'yun kayang tanggapin. Hindi ko kaya ibigay ang buong tiwala ko sa'yo, sa atin, and it will be fucking tiring to deal with that, I know, but I look at you, and expect the same things to happen again and for me to do the same things again, because it's not easy for me to be optimistic when all of this happened before, and—"

"Baekhyun," pagtawag ni Chanyeol at pinisil ang kamay niya. "It's okay. Breathe, please."

He follows what Chanyeol said and takes a deep breath. Sinundan niya ang paghinga nito at hindi naalis ang mga mata nito sa kanya. Chanyeol just had that small and understanding smile on his face, and Baekhyun couldn't help wondering, why is he always so calm and patient?

He's always like this.

Ibang-iba talaga siya sa lahat. Ibang-iba siya sa kanya.

Baekhyun searches Chanyeol’s eyes, to see if there’s anything that would make him doubt the man and see na baka jinujudge naman pala talaga siya nito, but when he doesn’t, he helplessly caresses Chanyeol’s cheek and asks, “Will you really still feel the same once you find out the truth?”

Chanyeol leans on the touch. “Yes.”

Tinitigan niya ulit si Chanyeol and Baekhyun honestly can’t wrap his head around how Chanyeol can still have that fond and loving look on his face as he looks at him, kahit na he’s showing how much of a mess he was. 

Does he really deserve a love like this?

He couldn’t take it. Masyadong nakakaoverwhelm ang mga tingin ni Chanyeol. Nakakalungkot isipin kung sakaling magbago ito kapag naikwento na ni Baekhyun ang lahat.

Pero nang matapos niyang i-kwento kay Chanyeol ang parehong kwinento na sinabi niya kay Kyungsoo, walang kahit anong panghuhusga sa mukha nito. Frustrated, yes, but because of how he was treated back then.

Instead of any judgment or any signs of leaving from Chanyeol, ang natanggap ni Baekhyun ay isang mahigpit na yakap at isang halik sa bumbunan. 

“I promise that the same thing won’t happen to us. You don’t have to worry about that. Palagi ko ipaparamdam sa’yo kung gaano ka kahalaga sa akin. You’re not someone that I’ll put aside for someone else. Why would I, when in the first place, ikaw ang gusto kong makasama? Baka mas mainis pa ako kung may iistorbo sa oras nating dalawa,” bulong ni Chanyeol.

Dahan-dahang humiwalay si Chanyeol sa yakap nila bago hinawakan muli ang pisngi ni Baekhyun at tinignan siya sa mata. Baekhyun can see Chanyeol’s unshed tears and he has this urge to wipe those tears away. 

“I don’t think you have any idea of how in love I am with you. I would drop everything for you, and not for anyone else. Ikaw lang, Baekhyun. Ikaw lang may ganitong epekto sa akin, at alam ko sa sarili kong wala nang ibang makakapag-paramdam ng ganito sa akin.”

Baekhyun can feel all of Chanyeol’s love,  and Baekhyun wants to believe in all of this, that this will all last, pero nandun pa rin ang takot na nararamdaman na niya noon pa. 

Hindi ito madaling mawawala, pero sana, unti-unti, mawala ito sa kanya, at dumating ang araw na masasabi niyang deserve niya rin ang makaramdam at makaranas ng ganitong klaseng pagmamahal.

“Napakadamot!”

Naiiritang bumalik si Kyungsoo sa inuupuan niya kanina, sa may tabi lang ni Baekhyun na tahimik lang silang pinapanood sa may sala. Hindi pa nga napigilan ni Baekhyun ang bahagyang matawa nang makitang pinalo ni Chanyeol ang kamay ni Kyungsoo nung triny nito mag-slice ng cake na binake nila kanina.

Nasa condo kasi sila nila Chanyeol ngayon. Biglaang lang sila napabisita ni Jongin since on the way, at nagkataon na nandito rin si Baekhyun. Sa condo kasi siya ni Chanyeol natulog kagabi. Not intentionally naman, pero nanood kasi sila ng series at sa kalagitnaan non, nakatulog siya.

Kaya ito sila ngayon, magkakasama.

“Pinaalis pa ako eh mas may silbi naman ako sa kusina kaysa kay Jongin,” patuloy na pagbulong ni Kyungsoo.

Naiinis pa rin kasi napaalis siya agad porket gusto niya lang tikman ‘yung cake, pero then again, hindi naman niya magawang mainis kasi ang rason ni Chanyeol, si Baekhyun unang titikim kasi para sa kanya ‘yan. Biglaan lang kayo dumating dito. Okay, fine. Wala siyang laban don.

He’s just glad na okay na ang dalawang kaibigan niya ngayon.

Tinignan ni Kyungsoo ang kaibigan na tahimik lang sa tabi niya at napataas ng kilay. Parang hindi niya pa ulit ‘to nachichika. “How are you?”

Nabigla naman si Baekhyun, hindi inaasahan na bigla na lang siyang kakausapin ng kaibigan. “Hm?”

“How are you?” pag-ulit ni Kyungsoo sa tanong niya. “Kumusta ka? Kayo ni Chanyeol?”

“Ah, well…” nakaramdam naman ng hiya si Baekhyun. Naramdaman niya rin ang pag-init ng pisngi niya, iniisip pa lang kung paanong hindi kumpleto ang araw niya kung walang bakas ni Chanyeol doon. He’s just always… there. “Good… happy… I never expected that I'd have someone like him in my life. He makes me so content and safe.”

Napangiti si Kyungsoo nang marinig ‘yon. Things are going well then. “That’s good to hear. You both deserve that.”

“Although, um… sorry…” nahihiyang napatingin si Baekhyun kay Kyungsoo na napakunot ang noo, nagtataka kung bakit nag-sorry ang kaibigan. “I guess… I’m still not used to you being close to him, or this whole idea of being close to one’s ex. Whenever I see Jongin so close to Chanyeol, napapaisip ako paano niya nagawa ‘yon, but… ano… don’t worry. I think I’m slowly opening up to that idea… uh, sorry…”

Hindi naman inaasahan ni Kyungsoo na magiging direct si Baekhyun sa kung anong nararamdaman niya. It’s a big step from what he used to do. Sobrang laking bagay na nagagawa nang mag-open up ni Baekhyun sa kanila tungkol sa nararamdaman niya.

“Hey, that’s fine. Ilang linggo pa lang ang nakakalipas since that happened. No one’s expecting for you to change overnight,” sabi ni Kyungsoo at nagbigay ng maliit na ngiti. Paloko niya pa itong siniko. “But, you know, I’m glad that you’re opening up to me at nasasabi mo na mga ‘to.”

“Ah, hehe… it’s part of the things that I’m trying to get used to…”

Sa totoo lang, ever since they talked at pinakita niyang willing siyang ipagtanggol si Baekhyun, sigurado siyang Kyungsoo's one of the people that would willingly listen to him and someone that he can trust. Hindi pa rin naman ito madali, pero at least may progress siya. Even his therapist would be happy to hear this. 

Plus, Chanyeol’s been so much help in trying to make him express himself. Parang hindi rin naman niya kaya magtago sa kanya kasi isang tingin pa lang ni Chanyeol, alam niyang naiintindihan na siya nito. And Chanyeol has his way of making him say all the things that he want, kasi may pagkakataon na nag-uumapaw ang nararamdaman niya for Chanyeol that he just couldn’t help voicing his thoughts and feelings out.

So far, it’s been nice. Liberating, in a way, and he thinks this is something that he can get used to.

“What are you talking about?” tanong ni Jongin na kakagaling lang din sa may kusina at agad na tumabi sa nobyo. 

Agad namang nanliwanag si Baekhyun nang makita si Chanyeol na nakasunod lang din kay Jongin, may hawak na platito. Nandun ang cake na kanina pa niya pinaghahandaan.

“Nagsusumbong ako kasi ang damot-damot ni Chanyeol,” pagpaparinig ni Kyungsoo, sinasadya pang lakasan ang boses para marinig talaga ni Chanyeol.

Pero itong si Chanyeol, nag-inarte lang na parang walang narinig. Umupo lang siya agad sa tabi ni Baekhyun at nilagay ang binake na cake sa may harap niya. 

“Strawberry cake just for you,” mahinang sabi niya kay Baekhyun, pressing himself closer sa kanya. Personal space who talaga. “Diba, sabi mo kagabi, gusto mo?”

Mahinang natawa si Baekhyun. “Well, yeah, pero mostly kasi nakita ko lang naman sa pinapanood natin. Sabi ko lang naman mukhang masarap. I didn’t expect that you’d remember it at magbebake ka pa.”

Chanyeol had a smug look on his face. “Sabihin na lang natin na gusto ko ipakita ang baking skills ko. So, try it.”

Baekhyun just rolled his eyes at saka tinikman ito. Chanyeol was looking at him expectantly, parang hinihintay pa ang masasabi niya about the food, so he gave him a thumbs up, at sumubo pa ulit to show that it’s really delicious.

Napangiti naman si Chanyeol dahil dun at saka pinanood pa si Baekhyun kumain. Natatawa namang tinakpan ni Baekhyun ang mukha niya, naconscious kasi nakatingin lang talaga siya. “‘Wag mo akong panoorin kumain!”

“Pwede ba papisil lang ng pisngi mo? Ang cute mo kasi kapag kumakain. Ang saya mo tignan.”

Lalo lang namang natawa si Baekhyun dahil sa sinabi nito. Napaubo si Jongin, nabigla sa narinig mula sa kaibigan, at si Kyungsoo naman, hinahagod ang likod nito at sinabi pa, “May ibang tao pa dito, alam niyo?”

“Mga istorbo kayo,” sabi ni Chanyeol at umirap pa. “Kita niyong may bebe time tapos nagtatagal pa kayo dito. Makiramdam naman kayo.”

Pinigilan ni Baekhyun ang matawa, pero hindi rin siya naging successful doon dahil sabay na nagbato ng tissue si Kyungsoo at Jongin kay Chanyeol. 

Not once in his life did he ever expect na posibleng mangyari ang lahat ng ‘to after ng lahat ng nangyari yet here they were, having fun, and Baekhyun admits, it’s nice to not worry about the possibility of things from the past happening again.

Sana ay magpatuloy na.

Baekhyun can now say that things are the same and at the same time, better, if that even makes sense.

The same in a way that Chanyeol treats him after they talked. Ganun pa rin ito—still the same caring, attentive, and consistent person that he is. He’s still the type of person that would give him his undivided attention, make sure na nakakausap niya kahit saglit sa isang araw no matter how busy they may be, plans things ahead, makes him feel safe and comfortable, and just… go out of his way para makasama si Baekhyun. Hindi pa rin ito nagbabago, and that’s what he’s grateful for the most.

Really, how can you not be when someone like Chanyeol, who never fails to remind you of what it’s like to be loved, is in your life? Baekhyun knows he doesn’t have a good past, but he’s happy that he gets to experience a love like this because of Chanyeol.

Kaya hindi naging mahirap para kay Baekhyun na masabi sa sarili niya na mahal niya talaga si Chanyeol.

Things are better now that he gets to focus on the good things in life. He feels better on most days.

But on some days, he admits that the fear comes back.

Katulad ngayon.

Chanyeol suddenly wanted to go to an amusement park, and syempre, ang una niyang niyaya ay si Baekhyun. Wala namang kaso kay Baekhyun ‘yon, especially when he saw how excited Chanyeol was at the idea of it. Kaya ito sila ngayon, kahit sobrang haba ng pila sa mga rides, tinitiis na lang nila basta matry nila ang lahat. Simula opening pa nga lang ay nandito na sila at malakas ang loob nilang unahin pa ang extreme rides. 

Si Chanyeol, bilang g na g, kahit hindi naman first time sa Enchanted Kingdom, ay bumili pa rin ng mga souvenir. Pati si Baekhyun, dinamay niya pa, at hindi pa nito nakalimutan na kumuha ng litrato nila. Chanyeol likes to take photos of plenty of things, mostly the view, silang dalawa, o minsan ay si Baekhyun lang.

Ganun halos ang takbo ng araw nila. Chanyeol says it’s because he wants to document things. Sentimental na tao rin kasi kaya hinayaan na lang niya kahit ilang stolen pa na picture ang kinuha niya. Syempre, ayaw naman magpatalo ni Baekhyun kaya kahit siya, pasimple rin namang pinipicture-an si Chanyeol, pero nahuhuli pa rin siya nito at lagi lang nagwawacky na tinatawanan na lang ni Baekhyun. Wala pa itong matinong picture sa phone niya unless si Baekhyun ang kasama.

Akala niya ganun na lang, but then, Chanyeol suddenly asks, “Wait. Can you take a picture of me here? I like this view. I’ll take a picture of you after then tayo magkasama.”

Hindi pa nakakasagot si Baekhyun ay inabot na ni Chanyeol ang phone niya sa kanya. Natawa na lang siya dahil sobrang excited talaga ni Chanyeol. Hinintay niya makapwesto si Chanyeol, pero mukhang naghihintay din ito na mawala ang mga taong panay daan sa likod niya. Nakangiti niya lang pinapanood itong makahanap ng tamang pwesto habang tinatapat ang camera sa kanya na kanina pa pinipindot-pindot ni Baekhyun para lang mas mukhang candid.

Saglit siyang napatigil sa pagpindot nang makita niya ang bagong message na nag-notify sa phone ni Chanyeol.

From Kyungsoo.

Hindi niya nabasa ang buo, pero nakita niya ang simula nito: Chanyeol, pwede ka ba ngayon? Pwede ba pumunta ka dito? I need help—

Hanggang dun lang ang nabasa niya. Sakto rin kasi na bigla siyang tinawag ni Chanyeol, mukhang nakahanap na ng pwesto niya. He tried his best to smile, take a picture of him, and pretend that he wasn’t bothered with the message, pero in his head, iniisip niya na kung mangyayari ba ngayon ang nangyari noon.

Before, kapag nakakatanggap ng text si Hamin mula kay Ara, kahit in the middle of a date pa, aalis ito agad at iiwan lang si Baekhyun basta-basta. Ni hindi man lang siya nito tatanungin kung gusto niya ba sumama. Basta na lang siya nitong iiwan.

He knows Chanyeol won’t do the same thing, pero hindi niya pa rin mapigilan isipin, this time kaya, aalis na lang din ito bigla? Gagawin niya rin ba ang ginawa ng ex niya noon?

“Let me see!” tuwang-tuwa na sabi ni Chanyeol at lumapit sa kanya para tignan ang kuha ni Baekhyun.

Still with a smile on his face, binalik niya ang phone ni Chanyeol at saka kinakabahang sinabi, “M-May text ka ata… baka urgent…”

“Hm?” nagtataka namang reaksyon ni Chanyeol at napakunot pa ang noo habang tinitignan ang message sa phone niya. When Chanyeol read the message, ang naisip niya lang agad ay… akala ko naman kung ano. “Ah…”

Pinanood lang ni Baekhyun ang magiging reaksyon ni Chanyeol, if he’ll be alarmed, bigla na itong mag-aaya na umalis, or he’ll excuse himself. Anything that would imply they will have to cut this date short. Don’t get him wrong. Of course, if it’s something urgent, maiintindihan naman ni Baekhyun, but he wonders if Chanyeol will choose to go alone or with him if the time comes.

But Chanyeol did none of those.

Nagulat si Baekhyun nang binulsa lang ni Chanyeol ang phone niya at bumalik sa pagkahawak sa kamay niya.

“Tara na!” sabi ni Chanyeol, still with the same energy. “May dala kang extra na damit ha? Dun na tayo sa mababasa.”

“Wait… hindi mo ba kailangan umalis?” tanong ni Baekhyun, ni hindi na nasagot ang tanong ni Chanyeol. Of course, concerned din naman siya sa friend niya. Baka kung ano na nangyari. “Was the message not urgent?”

Napailing naman si Chanyeol. “Si Kyungsoo lang ‘yun. It’s not really urgent. Kaya naman siyang asikasuhin ni Jongin. Naiinip lang ‘yun kasi wala pa siya.”

“A-Are you sure?”

“Of course, tsaka ang layo-layo ko doon. We’re literally in EK right now. Why would I go there para ayusin computer niya, eh may laptop din naman siya? That over EK? Ano siya, sinuswerte?” natatawang sabi ni Chanyeol at saka hinatak na siya papunta sa may Rio Grande. “Kaya tara na! I’m soooo ready for this!”

Hindi na nagawa pang mag-react ni Baekhyun dahil sa pagtakbo ni Chanyeol. Kinailangan niya pa makisabay sa malalaking hakbang nito. Agad na nawala ang lahat ng worry na narararamdaman niya nang makitang Chanyeol was still as excited as he was, still talking about the ride, how excited he was, and at the same time, tinitignan ang gamit niya kung sapat ba ang mga dala niya for himself and para kay Baekhyun.

For the rest of the day, madalas na nakabulsa lang ang phone ni Chanyeol. Talagang nilalabas niya lang ito kapag may gusto siyang picture-an katulad lang ng ginagawa niya pagkarating pa lang nila dito, and after that, binabalik lang nito ulit ang phone sa bulsa niya, hahawakan ang kamay ni Baekhyun, at ibibigay ang lahat ng atensyon sa kanya.

When he noticed those, naooverwhelm na naman siya. Nag-uumapaw na naman ang nararamdaman niya para kay Chanyeol. Really, paano nagagawa ni Chanyeol na tanggalin ang lahat ng inaalala niya without so much effort?

Hinding-hindi siya magsasawa na magpasalamat na may isang Chanyeol sa buhay niya. 

Baekhyun swears that this day would be a fun day for Chanyeol no matter what. Gagawin niya ang lahat para hindi mawala ang ngiti at excitement ni Chanyeol.

He’s going to make sure that this day will end nicely for the both of them.

For some reason, sa tuwing iniisip ni Baekhyun na maganda matatapos ang araw nila, may ginagawa ang buhay to prove him otherwise.

They were about to go home dahil magsasara na ang EK. Hinihintay lang ni Baekhyun si Chanyeol na matapos mag-CR. Tahimik lang siya sa may labas ng building, pinapanood ang mga taong dumadaan sa harap niya. 

He was just smiling while observing everyone who obviously had a good day like him, pero unti-unti itong nawala nang pagkalingon niya, nakita niya ang ex niya, mag-isa at may hawak na phone, mukhang may kausap sa kabilang linya. Just the sight of him is already making Baekhyun panic at parang gusto niya na lang bumalik sa may CR, pero bago niya pa magawa ‘yon, naglalakad na papalapit si Hamin sa kanya. Parang bigla siyang hindi makagalaw ngayon.

“Alone?” tanong ng lalaki at nandun na naman ang ngisi nito sa labi niya. “I knew it. Iniwan ka nung kaibigan mo nung nalaman niya ang totoo tungkol sa’yo no? Let me guess, that day, your so-called friend was just acting nice that time. Kakasabi mo lang siguro sa kanya nung totoo.”

Kahit kinakabahan, this time, sinubukan niyang ipagtanggol ang sarili niya. “Y-Yes, kakasabi ko lang nun, but he didn’t leave me. And I’m not… I’m not alone right now.”

“Oh, please. Who would want to be with you—”

“Who are you?” 

Parang nakahinga naman nang maluwag si Baekhyun nang makita niya si Chanyeol. Agad namang hinawakan ni Chanyeol ang kamay niya, nag-aalala. Nakita niya pa lang na parang nakayuko si Baekhyun kanina habang kausap ang lalaking ‘to, obviously uncomfortable, naalarma na siya. 

“Is he bothering you?” tanong ni Chanyeol sa kanya.

Pero bago pa makasagot si Baekhyun, Hamin scoffed and said, “Tignan mo nga naman. May bago ka pang nauto? Nagkakaboyfriend pa ang katulad mo? Alam na ba nyan tunay mong ugali?”

Agad napasimangot si Chanyeol nang marinig iyon. Hindi na kailangan pa ipakilala ni Baekhyun kung sino ito. With the way he’s speaking, alam niya na agad.

Ito ang ex-husband ni Baekhyun.

Hamin.

Pangalan pa lang, nakakainis na.

Now that he has a face and voice to associate with it, mas lalo lang din siyang nainis.

“Pre, mag-ingat ka dyan kay Baekhyun. Baka siya pa makasira ng buhay mo. A tip lang from me. Dati niya akong asawa, and… well, I’m just trying to warn you.”

Parang okay sapakin mukha nito ah, naisip ni Chanyeol, but of course, kahit gaano pa kagusto gawin 'yon ni Chanyeol, he just chose to give him a smirk. "I don't really need a tip from someone like you. I think you're the one who needs a tip, so here's one: Move on and mind your own business instead of pointing fingers dahil wala ka lang ibang masisi. I understand that life is easier kapag may ibang pwedeng masisi sa mga pagkukulang mo, but hey, you might want to evaluate your own life, decisions, and actions, pre. " 

Tinapik pa niya ang braso nito, na parang kaibigan na nagbigay lang talaga ng payo at cinomfort siya, kahit na kabaliktaran ito. Ni hindi nawawala ang ngisi niya na mas lalo pang nahahalata ngayong natameme ang lalaki nang marinig ang sinabi niya. 

Ni hindi na hinayaan pa ni Chanyeol na sumagot ang lalaki. Ayaw na rin naman niya magtagal doon dahil mas lalo lang siyang nabibwisit. Naglakad na lang sila papalayo sa kanya habang hawak pa rin ang kamay ni Baekhyun. 

Hinayaan lang siya ni Baekhyun na dalhin siya palabas ng amusement park. Nanatili lang itong tahimik sa tabi niya, and Chanyeol kept glancing at him, worried dahil baka naapektuhan ito ng sobra after makita ang ex niya. Of course, naiintindihan naman ni Chanyeol, after all, it's someone who traumatized him, kaya as much as possible, gusto niya iparamdam na nandito lang siya para kay Baekhyun.

"Are you okay?" tanong ni Chanyeol bago pa sila makapasok sa kotse niya.

Nakaharap lang si Baekhyun sa kanya with an unreadable expression, and really, hindi niya talaga maiwasan na mag-alala lalo na kapag nasa ganitong sitwasyon si Baekhyun. He's getting better naman na on opening up, pero syempre, may mga bagay pa rin na hindi agad nasasabi si Baekhyun sa kanya out of fear na mainis siya or maging burden lang kahit na anong assure pa ni Chanyeol na hindi naman ganun.

Kaya nang ngumiti si Baekhyun sa kanya, and he sees that it's a genuine smile, and not something that he just forces himself to show, nakahinga nang maluwag si Chanyeol.

"I'm okay. Thank you, Chanyeol. So much ," sabi ni Baekhyun at bigla na lang siyang niyakap. Ni hindi pa nga 'yon napoprocess ni Chanyeol, humiwalay na si Baekhyun sa kanya at hinawakan naman ang pisngi niya, and he notices how Baekhyun's eyes were glistening. "I love you, Chanyeol. Sobra. You have no idea. I'm so thankful that I have you in my life."

Baekhyun's full of surprises today kasi bago pa siya makasagot sa sinabi nito, for him to express his love for him too, ay bigla na lang ito nag-iwan ng halik sa labi niya, bago siya nag-iwan ng napakaraming halik sa mukha niya, giggling while doing so.

Hindi lang talaga mapigilan ni Baekhyun after siya ipagtanggol ni Chanyeol. Oo, nakakatakot si Chanyeol dahil bihira lang naman ito maging cold sa isang tao, pero ramdam na ramdam ni Baekhyun ang pagpigil ni Chanyeol na mas magalit pa. Yet, even so, nagawa pa rin siya nitong ipagtanggol sa ex niya, and he likes the feeling of it. Sobrang tuwa niya at thankful niya na hindi na lang niya napigilan na sabihin kay Chanyeol ang nararamdaman niya at iparamdam ito sa kanya. 

Parang gusto na lang maiyak ni Chanyeol, masyadong nag-uumapaw ang nararamdaman niya para sa lalaking ito. This time, it's him who closes the gap between them to leave a kiss on his beloved's lips.

What a way to end a good day.

Agad na napakapa si Baekhyun sa may tabi niya nang magising siya. Saka lang siya napadilat nnag marealize niyang wala na sa tabi niya si Chanyeol at maingay sa labas ng kwarto nito.

Mukhang may bisita si Chanyeol.

Baekhyun quietly gets up from the bed at tinupi ang mga kumot bago lumabas ng kwarto. Doon niya narealize kung sino ang may-ari ng mga boses sa labas ng kwarto.

Kay Chanyeol at Kyungsoo.

Gone were the worries that he usually feels kapag magkasama ang dalawa. He's long moved on from that. 

Matagal na nilang napatunayan na hindi mangyayari ang nangyari noon sa kanila, and that they won't leave him after everything.

Hindi naman napigilan ni Baekhyun ang matawa nang marinig ang usapan nila. 

"Ikaw, nabibwisit na ako sa'yo. Masyado mong pinagdadamot si Baekhyun. Hindi na namin siya nakakasama ni Jongin. Alam ba ni Baekhyun na ganyan ka kadamot, ha? Sinosolo mo na lang siya. Malala ka na."

"Ayaw ko ng may nakikihati sa atensyon ng boyfriend ko ," sagot ni Chanyeol at napailing na lang si Baekhyun, too used with Chanyeol being like that and their usual bickering. "Tignan mo ngayon, nagpapatagal ka pa dito. Humahanap ka lang ng paraan para makasama si Baekhyun. Pwes, umalis ka na kasi pagod si Baekhyun, unless gusto mo pa malaman kung anong ginawa namin kagabi—"

Baekhyun takes that as his cue para magpakita na sa kanila bago pa magbigay ng TMI itong boyfriend niya. 

Agad naman naramdaman ni Chanyeol ang presensya niya at napatingin sa kanya, ngiting-ngiti pa, akala mo eh walang isshare na kung ano kanina. "Good morning!"

"Baekhyun, sigurado ka na ba dito kay Chanyeol? Seryoso na nga?" palokong tanong ni Kyungsoo nang makita ang kaibigan. Natawa naman si Baekhyun dahil sa tanong nito kasi halatang inaasar lang ng kaibigan ang nobyo niya. "Pwede ka pa makipag-break. Ano? G?"

Bago pa makasagot si Baekhyun at masakyan ang trip ng kaibigan, humawak na agad si Chanyeol sa braso niya, nilalayo siya kay Kyungsoo. "Don't listen to him. Inggit lang 'yan. Isa siyang bad spirit. Go away, bad spirit. Iniistorbo mo ang munting bahay namin."

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes. "So fucking dramatic."

Natawa na lang si Baekhyun, sanay na sanay na dito. "It's good to see you, Kyungsoo. Breakfast?"

"It's good to see you too, pero pass muna sa breakfast. Dinaan ko lang dito 'yung pinabibigay ni Jongin. Nagmamadali na kanina kaya hindi niya naabot kay Chanyeol. I have to go now though," paalam ni Kyungsoo. "Next time na lang tayo mag-hang out. Preferably, wala sana 'yung isa dyan. Message mo ako anong araw ka free."

"Never siya free. Nakuha ko na lahat ng time niya," palokong sabi ni Chanyeol at inirapan lang siya ni Kyungsoo bago kumaway kay Baekhyun at lumabas na ng unit ni Chanyeol. Napapout naman si Chanyeol at napatingin kay Baekhyun. "Sabihan mo ako kapag may lakad kayo ha."

Baekhyun snorts. "So clingy."

"Hindi naman ako sasama! I'm glad nga that you spend some time with your friends. Just let me know, okay?" sabi ni Chanyeol. Napatango lang si Baekhyun. Nag-iwan naman ng halik si Chanyeol sa bumbunan nito, just because he wants to. "Why are you up already? Ang aga pa."

"Wala ka na sa tabi ko eh… tsaka maingay kanina…"

"Ay, hala, sorry. Balik na tayo ulit."

Napapout si Baekhyun. "Hindi na ako inaantok."

"But we can still cuddle," sabi naman ni Chanyeol at kumindat pa.

Syempre, hindi naman 'yon matanggihan ni Baekhyun, not when he also likes the idea of it. 

Pagkahiga pa lang nila, agad na yumakap si Chanyeol sa kanya at pinaulanan ng halik ang mukha niya which just made Baekhyun giggle.

"Now that's a good morning," bulong ni Baekhyun.

"You're right," sagot ni Chanyeol at humalik pa ulit sa pisngi niya. "I like doing this every morning. Your place or mine, I don't care, just as long as nagagawa ko ito pagkagising ko."

Lately kasi, napapadalas na matutulog sila na magkatabi, either sa unit man ni Baekhyun or kay Chanyeol. At sa tuwing gagawin nila 'yon, sabay na rin silang papasok sa trabaho which gives them more time to spend with each other.

So far, things have been great between the two of them.

He honestly never expected that they would reach this far, but here they were, still together after all. May sarili nang routine. Halos madalas na nagkakasama. Patuloy na nakikilala ang isa't isa.

And he's so glad that he gets to experience all of these with Chanyeol, the person who made him realize that he still deserves to be loved, protected, and be a part of a person's life despite his past.

Pwede pa rin naman pala.

May tatanggap pa rin naman pala kay Baekhyun kahit na hindi kagandahan ang nakaraan niya.

"I'm so glad that I met you," hindi napigilan ni Baekhyun na sabihin. Chanyeol looks at him with the same fond look and warm smile that he always loved to see. "I never expected that I could still be this open to someone after everything that happened. Akala ko, I'll live the rest of my life fearing that the person that I'm with will judge me for my past. I thought that I won't ever have the chance to love like this again, but you came into my life and proved me wrong. Araw-araw akong nagpapasalamat na parte ka ng buhay ko. I love you, Chanyeol."

"I love you, too," sagot ni Chanyeol at nag-iwan ng halik sa noo niya. "You deserve to be loved and to be happy. I love you, Baekhyun. I would never get tired of saying that and making you feel how much I love you. I'm so thankful that I have you in my life, too."

For so long, Baekhyun believed that he won't ever have the chance to be happy again, and that he deserved that after everything that he did, but even if life can be harsh sometimes, kaya pa rin naman pala nitong bumawi at patunayan na may igaganda pa rin naman pala ang buhay.

Maybe it took them a while to reach this far.

Maybe it took a lot of convincing.

Maybe they had too many things to doubt.

But if it means that at the end of this long journey full of maybes is a love like this then it's all worth it.