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“—it’s not just for babies. It’s okay and very normal to cry, Miri. Important even.” Kazuki put the apron away and sat at the table to eat with his family. Miri was upset. Not about the little red mark on her head from getting a ball accidentally shot against it, but because a boy from elephant class had called her a crybaby.
“Important?” Miri stopped dragging her spoon through her food and looked up.
“Yes, crying helps your body deal with bad feelings and it makes pain go away faster. So when you are sad or hurt, you feel a little bit better after crying. And then you can deal better with what has happened.”
Miri munched on some rice frowning. “But you only cry when you’re happy.”
Kazuki laughed. “No, I cry when I’m sad too. And I cry happy tears when smiling just isn’t enough.”
He gave Miri a grin. She looked pondering for a bit, then scrunched up her nose. “But it’s icky.” After eating another spoonful, she turned to Rei. “Do you cry, papa Rei?”
Rei stared at his food. “No.” With a frown, he looked at her eyes. “But you know I’m weird.”
“Rei—“ Kazuki wanted to intervene, but Miri already chattered on, “Hmph, I think Kenji is weird. After Miss Anna gave me the cool pack, she told him to apologize to me. But he kept saying it wasn’t him but the ball! And then he—”
Just like that the topic of crying was forgotten.
At least that was what Kazuki had thought until hours later he was woken up in the middle of the night. There had been a noise. It didn’t feel like he’d woken up from a dream, he was convinced there had been something like a thud.
He checked Miri’s room first, she was alright and sleeping soundly. A quick peek inside Rei’s room showed that he had to be sleeping in the bathtub like most nights. Kazuki went downstairs. There seemed nothing amiss in the living room and kitchen. Silently he opened the door to the bathroom. It was dark, but there was the very quiet noise of fast and irregular breathing.
“Rei?” he called softly to announce his presence, then he turned on the lights. Kazuki slid the door to the washing area open. Fear shot through him when he saw that Rei was kneeling before the bathtub, hunched over, unstable arms holding up his upper body. His breathing became quieter. Kazuki couldn’t see his face with his head hanging low and all the hair in front of it.
Without delay, Kazuki knelt down in front of him. “Rei, what’s wrong?” He touched Rei’s forehead to brush the bangs out of the way, but he flinched violently. Kazuki immediately pulled his hand away. “Rei?”
There were nearly soundless hiccups – Rei wasn’t breathing right, Kazuki’s fear turned into panic. “Rei, can you breathe? I need you to breathe with me…” He touched Rei’s shoulders despite another wince. Kazuki needed him more upright, he needed to see what was going on. Something like this has never happened before. Did he need to call an ambulance? Official medical records were always a security issue for them, but Kazuki could deal with anything as long as Rei would be alright. The explosion flashed through his mind – back then, the nearing sirens had been in vain, but this just had to be remediable.
He pushed Rei upright. Rei looked anywhere but at him, his cheeks and eyes were wet and he took two abrupt but deep breaths. At once Kazuki realized that the hiccups had been frantically held back sobs. Now, one big, relieved sob raked through Kazuki’s own body, before he breathed it out slowly. “Oh thank… You’re crying. I’m sorry for overreacting, I thought you were suffocating.”
When Rei had said earlier that he didn’t cry, Kazuki hadn’t doubted it. Kazuki had seen Rei at what had probably been his absolute lowest point in his life – and not once had he seen him cry. Rei had been horribly apathetic, empty, instead of it. Kazuki didn't know many details about Rei’s past, but he suspected that crying had to be one of the first things that were trained out of an assassin.
Rei looked at Kazuki with shock, then down. He sobbed as quietly as possible, but he didn’t hold it back anymore. “Sorry.” he faintly croaked.
With his hands on the shoulders, Kazuki could feel Rei shaking with his sobs. „Don’t be. Did… What’s wrong?“
Rei made no move to get rid of his touch, but the hair fell over his face again. “I don’t know. I woke up and… can’t stop.”
So, nothing physically wrong, nothing else that happened today. Kazuki’s heart clenched. He knew what Rei’s sadness looked like, but seeing him cry – Kazuki couldn’t discern all the things it made him feel right away. His first instinct was to hug. Carefully he pulled Rei closer, so that he could easily move away if he didn’t want to.
Rei seemed to want to. He leaned forward by himself and pressed his face against Kazuki’s shoulder. After a short moment Rei clutched the front of Kazuki’s t-shirt with both hands. In response Kazuki slid his hands from Rei’s shoulders to his back to give him a real hug.
They stayed like that for a long time. Sometimes Rei’s sobs got louder and then immediately quieter again. Kazuki pressed his face into Rei’s hair and mumbled, “It’s okay. Just let it out.”
Now there was no struggling with the volume anymore, Rei just cried freely. It still wasn’t as loud as other people would wail and sniffle, but it was louder than Rei would usually talk or… do anything really.
Kazuki softly rubbed his back. More time passed. Rei wasn’t done but he’d calmed down considerably. The black bathroom tiles were hard and cold. Kazuki only wore boxer shorts and slowly his legs started to complain. “Come on, let’s go to the living room.”
Kazuki would make some tea. He wasn’t going to go back to sleep anytime soon and he doubted Rei would either. After standing up, he helped Rei, because his movements seemed a bit sluggish. In the bright bathroom light Kazuki immediately noticed that Rei’s light grey sweatpants had dark spots on the knees. He leaned down to pull up a pant leg. The skin was scraped and bloody. Rei must have stumbled out of the tub. Kazuki’s heart clenched again. That could only mean that Rei had been really out of it. Kazuki looked up at Rei who avoided eye contact. “Are you hurt anywhere else?”
Rei shook his head. Kazuki got up and touched Rei’s shoulder. “I’ll fix you up. Go sit on the couch? I’ll be there in a minute, okay?”
Nodding once, Rei did what he asked. Kazuki grabbed some things from the first-aid kit, tissues, and a water bottle from the kitchen.
Rei sat on the couch with his knees drawn up and his bent head hiding under the hood of his zip hoodie. He’d taken the bloody sweatpants off, now Kazuki could see that the other knee was just as wounded. He pressed the water bottle into Rei’s hand. Rei took it and did nothing else. Kazuki didn’t like it. Rei had stopped crying and was really quiet and unmoving. “Drink something, please?”
The water was supposed to help against the headache that Rei probably had, but now it helped Kazuki to get a look at his face. Red, wet and with a runny nose. Also blank and withdrawn. Rei being dead still and only drinking when prompted – there was a sinking feeling in Kazuki’s stomach – this reminded him way too much of old times. Kazuki gave Rei the tissues next. Again nothing happened. “Rei?”
He blew his nose, rubbed his eyes and stuffed the used tissues into the pocket of his hoodie. With a heavy heart, Kazuki grabbed the stuff to disinfect the knees and sat next to him on the edge of the couch.
Rei’s pain tolerance was high, so he didn’t react at all to Kazuki probing and disinfecting the first knee. “You said you woke up crying. Did you have a nightmare?
Rei didn’t answer, but Kazuki hadn’t expected him to. Done with the first leg, he moved on to the other. “If you ever want to talk about it, I’ll listen, okay?”
Again no answer. Rei had never taken him up on that offer before, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t still standing. After the second knee was disinfected, too, Kazuki dressed the wounds. It didn’t need to stay on for too long. In a while the scrapes would be fine on their own.
When Kazuki turned to get up to put the medical clutter away, Rei suddenly grabbed his shirt. Kazuki looked at him. Rei neither looked back nor had he changed his curled up position, but the hand tugged softly. Kazuki dropped the medical tape on the table and really sat down on the couch, facing Rei. He held out his arms. Rei moved into the hug and pressed his face against Kazuki’s collarbone. A few heartbeats later he started to cry again.
Kazuki hated hearing it, but at the same time it was so much better than the lifeless silence. He started to rub small circles across Rei’s back. There wasn’t really anything helpful to say.
They sat like that for a long time. Rei gradually calmed down again. The moment Kazuki loosened his hug a bit, Rei wrapped his arms around him tight. Kazuki tightened his hold again. If Rei didn’t want him to let go, he wouldn’t. Putting his chin on Rei’s head, Kazuki tried to remember if Rei has ever touched him this firmly outside of work. He came up blank.
Rei stopped crying altogether. The feeling of him breathing steadily under Kazuki’s hands, soothed all his worries from earlier. Rei still didn’t let go, so Kazuki didn’t, either.
They’ve been sitting so long in the same position that it became uncomfortable. Without thinking too much about it, Kazuki decided they should lie down. He leaned back and to the side until Rei was lying with his back to the backrest. Kazuki hoped it felt safe and not confining.
Their bare legs were touching and suddenly Kazuki realized how intimate this was. Ever since Kazuki had moved in, they’ve had many intimate moments that had blurred right from the start what exactly they were to each other. It went hand in hand with forcing Rei to eat or wash, or with cleaning up his cluttered flat. Or with stitching each other up after getting hurt on a job. Or with raising a daughter together.
But physically this was the most intimate they’ve ever been. Maybe there was some hope that they would eventually become something more and something more defined. This was definitely not the appropriate moment to think about this, though, so Kazuki shoved his musings away. He had never expected anything from Rei. That nowadays he was showing more and more emotions in front of Kazuki and Miri was so huge already.
Rei moved his head a bit. Yet his voice still sounded muffled with how he pressed his face against Kazuki’s chest. “I’m sorry.”
“There is nothing you need to apologize for.”
Rei isn’t moving much, but he still seemed restless. “I made you worry.”
“You know I get worried way too fast.” Kazuki didn’t think that this was something that would ever change again.
He thought their conversation was over, but after a while Rei said quietly, “I don’t know why… It was a good day. There was no reason…” He trailed off.
There were probably a thousand reasons, Kazuki thought. He pressed his face in Rei’s hair. “There’s also no reason to hold it in.”
Rei didn’t answer, but Kazuki could feel his back tense up. After a few moments his hair tickled against Kazuki’s chin as he moved his head a bit again, mumbling, “Thank you. Miri’s right, though, it’s icky.”
Kazuki snorted. “Anytime.” Rei relaxed again and Kazuki didn’t feel like moving anytime soon.
He hadn’t noticed that he’d fallen asleep, but when Kazuki woke up again, there was morning light in the living room. Miri was climbing over his hip and pressing herself between him and Rei with her back to Kazuki. While they were making room for her, their eyes met but Rei looked away fast. He had a soft expression on his face that Kazuki found very endearing.
Miri wriggled happily between them and pressed her face into Rei’s neck. “Why are you both sleeping on the couch?”
Kazuki carefully combed his fingers through Miri’s bedhead. “Too tired to go upstairs.”
Miri could relate to that, so her curiosity was satisfied. She seemed to be going back to sleep. Kazuki laid his arm over her and around Rei again and looked at his sleepy family. Rei glanced at him, then buried his face into Miri’s hair, closing his eyes. Their legs and feet were still nestled together. Kazuki smiled and tried to doze some more, too.
Soon his alarm upstairs would go off and remind them to get Miri ready for daycare. But until then he’d cherish this moment a little bit longer.