Work Text:
Subject: RE: University Scholarship Application
Dear MYOUI MINA,
Thank you for your interest in applying for our university’s scholarship.
After careful consideration, we regret to inform you that your application is unsuccessful.
We wish-
That was about as far as Mina got before hot tears blurred her vision. One tear, followed by another, streaked down her unmoving cheek, the computer screen being the only source of illumination rendering Mina’s creeping despair visible to the room. She couldn’t find it in herself to sigh, scream or sob. In fact, she couldn’t find any reaction at all, the only thing grounding her to reality being the sinking feeling in her heart. She wants to mourn now, get down and dirty with the whole emotional shtick, heart leaning on the precipice of a pit of sorrow. Yet, the strings of rationality held its leash hard over her neck, creating an immovable wall between her and the pit.
It felt like constipation.
-
‘Do you want to talk about it?’
Sana had come over, it was inevitable. She was lovely as usual, wrapping up Mina in a firm hug, soft sympathetic smile and all, controlling her usually radiant energy as per what the situation called for. It was brief, and she let go to give Mina the space she needed when she was upset. It was perfect, textbook even, of How to Comfort Mina 101, but Mina guesses today was different when her grief felt no closer to dissipation.
‘Not really.’ Mina couldn’t even spare a glance, gaze staunchly set upon the floor.
‘Did you cry?’ Sana probed. She knew the poor girl had trouble expressing herself, especially her negative emotions, brought up on the idea that good girls don’t cry.
‘Not really.’
Sana scooted over to where Mina huddled into herself on the sofa, placing a gentle hand on her elbow to tug. ‘Bed?’
‘I don’t know.’ Mina mumbled, shrugging off the hand and looking in the other direction.
Sana wouldn’t lie, that hurt . She knew Mina didn’t mean it, and at least she had a lead.
‘What don’t you know?’
Mina chanced peering back up at Sana, upturned eyebrows and warm honey brown eyes reflecting her tired, bloodshot irises; in the affection of her gaze the key to her dam.
‘I don’t know what’s the point. I worked really hard on it. And I want to cry. But I physically can’t, because my brain is wired to the fucking idea of; What right do I have? When I already have so much to be grateful for.’ Mina muttered into her own arms.
Hell, Sana knows how much Mina worked on that scholarship. She had spent countless hours poring through newspapers to get ahead of current affairs. Mina’s computer hadn’t been shut down for weeks now because she wanted to keep all her many tabs open. There was a 20-page long google doc where thought processes were fleshed out, anticipating all possible interview questions and her comprehensive answers to all of them. Mina had even, uncharacteristically , bounded into her arms just a couple of weeks ago simply over one of the interviewer’s comments that she did well.
Yet, somehow, it still wasn’t enough.
‘I feel angry. I don’t know. Myself? Them? I want to scream; I want to break .’
Mina could feel her chest boiling now, and she couldn’t help her hand coming up to pound her head, seeking some sort of release. It physically pained Sana to see and hear, and she gripped Mina’s wrist to stop her.
‘Baby, I’m not really sure what to say right now, so I won’t. But I would like to be here to hold you, if you’ll let me?’ Sana said as she met Mina’s pained gaze.
‘Okay.’
-
It was 3am, but neither Mina nor sleep could find each other. At least, with her back pressed against Sana’s front while a protective arm lay across her waist, Mina found her tears flowing freely, bringing release and relief. She could move on tomorrow.